What is sexual addiction and how to recognize it?

Addictions are invisible enemies that can destroy everything in their way: marriages, families, jobs, and the legacy of an entire life in a matter of months. And even though we often associate addiction with substances such as alcohol or drugs, or with gambling, compulsive sexual behavior can also be deeply damaging.

I have seen many homes deeply hurt by sexual addiction, which puts the couple at emotional, spiritual and physical risk. Not only are the principles of a sacred union such as marriage in danger, but it also exposes the other partner to several sexual illnesses.

In an over-sexualized world, it is getting more and more difficult to find the boundaries between what is adequate and what is not. The line that has been drawn by our God to practice sex as an encounter of deep love and trust has been blurred over the years.

Estimates of how common compulsive sexual behavior is vary widely between studies, and professionals still debate how to define and name it. So, how can you recognize when sexual behavior has become compulsive and is causing harm? I want to talk to you about this next.

What is sexual addiction?

As I mentioned before, addictions come in many forms. But why or what are they specifically? The easiest way to explain what addictions are is that they are pathological attractions to a place, thing, or even a person.

These addictions are actually unconscious attempts to find something that is outside of us. Something we believe we need so that we can feel complete. This is why if you ask any addict why he/she abuses drugs, he/she will tell you that they do it to feel relaxed, to escape from reality, to forget, etc.

Addictions have many contributing factors, including family history, genetics, upbringing and life experiences.

However, change is possible for many people, and help is available. Nobody is meant to live in suffering, and facing this is a challenge that does not have to be faced alone.

Understanding the sexual addiction cycle

One way to understand how an addiction advances little by little is to look at the stages of a cycle. These are the stages:

First stage: Use

The first stage in an addiction is when someone starts to abuse a substance or behavior. A person with an alcohol problem may abuse alcohol; a person with compulsive sexual behavior, sex. Family members may notice this behavior, but the person may not, and may insist that the worrying is exaggerated.

Second stage: Payment

For the second stage, addicts obtains a type of reward from the consumption or practice of the addiction, whether it is a relaxing feeling, euphoria, peace, or excitement.

Third stage: Negative consequences

No matter how good an addiction might make you feel, that pleasure is momentary and will last only a short period of time, since, one it is over, negative consequences follow. Denial is one of the most powerful mechanisms in addiction. According to them, there are no bad consequences for their bodies or souls.

Justifying and minimizing their acts might also be mechanisms that appear, since for an addict, his/her addiction is just a means to obtain something, or he/she believes that they can control it.

Fourth stage: Negative feelings

Shame, guilt, fear, and anger are some of the most common feelings I have seen in people I have worked with in this fourth stage. They can appear in conscious and unconscious ways, but regardless, the person suffers, and if he/she does not get help from his/her loved ones, he/she will repeat the cycle over and over again.

The sexual addiction nightmare

Sexual addiction consists of the compulsion to practice sexual acts, whether alone or with someone else. There are many ways in which sexual addiction can manifest, one more harmful than the other.

For example, there are people who are addicted to masturbating compulsively, or who watch pornography regardless of the time or the place. People who have compulsive sex with prostitutes or multiple unknown partners also suffer from sexual addiction.

I do not have to elaborate on how these behaviors can destroy a marriage. But, what I do have to elaborate on is how this specific addiction can silently contaminate an individual for years.

As a husband or wife, it might take months before you notice that your partner is addicted to pornography because, usually, part of the addiction consists of hiding it from everyone else.

How to recognize the signs of sexual addiction

Sexual compulsive behaviors are a risk for the addict and his/her surroundings. They could show signs such as the following, which are not a diagnosis on their own:

  • Inability to stop the behavior, and provide excuses for it
  • Won’t settle for a monogamous sexual life or conventional sex
  • Tendency to sexualize other people and situations that are not sexual
  • Spend a large amount of money pursuing and continuing the activity
  • Feelings of excessive euphoria when in contact with the stimulus
  • The need to elevate the danger or severity of the sexual behavior

Unconscious needs that drive sexual addiction

In my professional experience, behind an addiction there is often a personal story. Some people who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior have a history of painful or traumatic experiences in childhood or adolescence; for them, sex can become a way of trying to feel in control.

The feeling of helplessness in these cases can be very strong. This does not mean that survivors of sexual abuse become promiscuous or develop compulsive sexual behavior: many do not. For some survivors, sexual behavior can become tangled with a need to feel in control, and trauma-informed therapy can help.

Compulsive sexual behavior is often tied to unmet emotional needs, and these differ from person to person. A professional can help you understand yours.

Where to find help

The power addicts think they get through sex is fake and ephemeral. Fake, because sex is not a tool to subjugate and show the courage or strength a person has. Ephemeral, because in the same way it is gotten easily, it will also easily lead to remorse and guilt.

Faith can be a source of strength and hope on the path to healing, and it works best alongside professional care, not in place of it. Help can include therapy, support groups and, when needed, a medical evaluation. If you are a partner affected by this, you also deserve support and a health checkup. What is one step you could take this week to ask for help?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Do you know what anger means and how we can manifest it?

Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity. It varies from minor irritation to intense rage. Like other emotions, it goes alongside psychological and biological changes.

When you experience anger, your heart rate and blood pressure can rise, and stress hormones such as adrenaline are released.

Many people justify their expression of this feeling by saying that Jesus got angry at the religious leaders of his day, and even he said offensive words. This belief is sometimes used to justify mistreating other people.

God and Anger

This is an emotion that God put in our bodies. It allows us to react against injustice, sin, and things that are wrong. Paul says, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV). This means that there is a limit where anger becomes sin.

Every expression of anger should stay within the concept of Agape love. For this we ask the Holy Spirit to help us, and we can also learn practical skills and, when needed, seek professional help; prayer and counseling are not opposed.

Some people who get angry easily have what is called low tolerance for frustration. It means that they feel they should not be subjected to frustration, irritability, or drawbacks. They cannot take things calmly, and they get angry, especially if the situation seems somewhat unfair. For example, when other people correct them because of a small mistake.

What makes these people behave this way?

There are several factors. One of them might have a genetic or physiological origin. There is evidence that differences in temperament appear early, so some children are more irritable and sensitive than others. Another factor might be linked to the way they are taught to deal with anger.

Fury is often considered something negative. Many of us have been taught that it is fine to express anxiety, depression, and other emotions, but it is not fine to express anger. As a result, we do not learn how to deal with it and channel it constructively.

The family we grew up in can also shape how we learn to handle anger. Some people grew up in homes where emotions were not talked about, but this is not true for everyone who gets angry easily.

Anger styles

One part of learning how to control anger, and also part of the lessons a professional might teach you, is based on managing different types of anger. Not everyone expresses their anger the same way. Also, there is no need to feel fear or guilt because of being angry. Anger is a normal reaction in life.

But the way we express anger is what can make of it something dangerous, both for the couple or for ourselves.

A person can express more than one type of irritation, depending on the situation. There are four basic ways in which we show anger. Let´see.

Aggressive:

This is the type of aggressiveness that is visible and externalized. It is not intended to be hidden. Many people yell and scream and “vent” when they are angry. They explode, lashing out against others, either verbally or physically. This can provide a satisfactory relief for them in the short term, but it can have devastating consequences in the long term for them and their relationships. Venting is usually not a good way to handle anger; it is better to cool down first and then speak.

“Stupid #@$%!”

“I am right; all the other people are wrong, and they deserve to pay!”

Passive-aggressive:

With this type of fury, aggressiveness is shown, but not violently. Rather, it’s a well-disguised way, for example, with indirect actions or sabotage.

The rage is locked inside the person. It causes harm inside him/her as they pretend that everything is fine. Some people consider anger something scary or unacceptable. They avoid recognizing or expressing feelings of anger and, instead, convince themselves that they are not angry. The problem this coping mechanism presents is that people do not set their feelings free or express them, which can lead to building resentment and unhappiness.

They say, “it is fine” when it is not or when they want to say “no.” These are passive-aggressive behaviors. They express negative emotions indirectly instead of manifesting them openly. Passive-aggressive people are sneaky when it comes to their anger. They say one thing but do a different thing. They do not show that they are angry, but they get even.

Avoidant anger:

Some people find it difficult to deal with this feeling, so they do everything they can to avoid it. They bottle anger up. They try to hide inside their “caves” every time they feel angry or when people around them are mad. Often, they say things like:

  • “I cannot deal with this right now.”
  • “Let’s talk about something else and let’s get along.”
  • “I cannot say anything because it would cause a fight.”
  • “It is not that bad.”
  • “Nothing is going to change.”

Assertive:

Now, anger is properly managed and communicated if necessary. It is what each individual should do when dealing with anger.

It is important to know the types of anger since by doing so, we can be aware of the way we act and how we can take actions that will allow us to handle it in a better way so that we do not hurt ourselves and the people around us.

Do you identify with one of the types? Do you feel that one of them defines the way you act? How could you improve the way you react when you feel angry?

If your anger has led you to hurt someone, if someone in your home is afraid of you, or if you feel you cannot stop even when you try, you need specialized professional help; the ideas in this article are not a substitute for it. If you are the one who is afraid, your safety comes first.

Take a moment to reflect on your answers and talk them over with someone you trust. God bless you!

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • American Psychological Association, “Control anger before it controls you” (apa.org/topics/anger/control), general background on anger.
  • Scripture: NIV (Ephesians 4:26), via BibleGateway.

Can we be thankful and pray to God in the midst of difficulties?

Thanksgiving is a special date to pray to God. It is also a date in which we can reflect on all the aspects concerning our lives, both good and bad, to learn from them, and thank God for the things our hearts feel happy and grateful for.

Why pray to God

It is easy to be happy and grateful in good circumstances, for example, when:

  • everything goes well in our lives,
  • we manage our daily life without any mishaps,
  • we move forward in our jobs,
  • our family is healthy,
  • we feel we have been blessed
  • and nothing compromises our well-being.

With this in mind, I ask you, has it happened to you that you get out of the house on a sunny and beautiful day, breathing fresh air, and thank God for His wonderful creation?

Have you felt fully satisfied, grateful for having everything go well? But how have you felt on other days when the sky was gray and rainy?

Gratitude and pain in difficult seasons

How do we feel when things do not go the way we planned? What happens inside us when we lose a job, when the doctor gives us a serious diagnosis, when we lose a loved one, or when we have a child who is struggling with drugs?

The Bible invites us to gratitude: “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV). That is a hard verse. Gratitude does not come naturally in the middle of pain, and it is not a feeling we can order ourselves to have. Adversity absorbs us, and it is human to feel sad, angry or overwhelmed.

Gratitude and honest lament

Scripture also makes room for honest pain. The Psalms bring sorrow and hard questions to God: “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1, NIV). Sadness and tears are not a lack of faith. Gratitude and honest pain can sit side by side, and gratitude does not have to be forced in the middle of a loss.

If you notice that heaviness, hopelessness or despair stays with you for days, that is not a spiritual failure. It is a sign that you deserve support, from people you trust and from a professional.

God is King, and He is near

One way to hold on in hard times is to remember who God is. “For God is the King of all the earth; sing to him a psalm of praise” (Psalm 47:7, NIV). God is above all the problems that may exist in the universe. You can tell Him, in your own words: “God, I do not understand what is happening, all I see is darkness, but I turn to You.” Praying that way is honest, and God can receive it.

Pray to God, He is not the perpetrator of the negative things

We need to understand something. God is not the perpetrator of the negative things that happen in your life. He is not the originator of the death and pain you might be experiencing right now. God loves us and wants our well-being. You must understand the context of the world in which you live.

What is the origin of the suffering

You live in a world marked by sin. Our first parents had the opportunity to live eternally happy, but they decided to eat the forbidden fruit God had instructed them not to eat. God had told them that they would die the day they ate it. We know the rest of the story.

Adam and Eve disobeyed, and sin entered this world and, with it, death. Today we receive the results.

The effects of the sin

The problems that overwhelm us today come from three sources.

  • The first of these sources is the sin of a world that is mortally wounded.
  • The second one, the sinful actions of people who are close to us, around us. Those actions have an author, and that person is responsible for them.
  • Thirdly, sin that exists in us, that leads us to make mistakes and sinful acts.

We are surrounded by sin and under its influence. God has the last word against sin in this world. He tells us: there is pain, death, and misery, but one day I will give you eternal life.

When someone has hurt you

If someone has hurt you, violated your rights, or abused you sexually, physically or emotionally, what happened was wrong, it was not your fault, and it is not God’s will for you to stay in harm’s way. Your safety comes first. Telling a trusted person and asking for professional help are acts of courage. Over time, many people find that God accompanies them in their healing.

Joseph’s story shows a God who was present in his suffering. It does not mean that every painful event happens in order to teach us something. Pain is not a gift, and healing from it usually takes time and support.

When loss comes

You may have lost your job, received a serious or terminal diagnosis, or lost someone you love. You may feel that problems overwhelm you, that you have no rest, that you cannot take it anymore. God is above everything and does not leave you, even when you cannot feel Him. Deep grief is a natural response to deep loss. You do not have to face it alone: lean on people you trust and, when it feels too heavy, on a professional.

Pray to God, He loves us

The Bible says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV). This verse does not say that what hurt you was good. It speaks of a God who keeps working with us in the middle of what hurts. You do not have to understand everything that has happened in order to trust that God cares for you. You can bring Him your pain exactly as it is.

God accompanies us

Perhaps we look at the circumstances that surround us and feel that we have stood still forever, stuck in a painful place. We feel that the more we cry out to God, the more adverse circumstances seem to pile up. God is a light in the midst of a dark world, a refuge in our difficulties. In hard seasons, many people find that small acts of gratitude help them keep going. Gratitude is a gift, not a duty, and it can sit beside grief and tears. Reaching out for help is part of caring for yourself.

Who could you reach out to this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

How to forgive when you cannot forget?

The complexity of romantic relationships, and how they are affected by different life events, is quite extensive. Much more so if we get into the subject of how to forgive when you cannot forget.

A grudge or resentment is something we have all experienced at one time or another, but when the person to whom this burden is being directed is someone close, the consequences will be greater. A father, a mother, a child or sibling, and of course, our romantic partners.

Even so, you have to consider a great truth of life, one that I am going to reveal to you at this moment, and that is that you do not have to forget to forgive. Forgiveness is often a matter of remembering with less pain, setting down the weight of resentment and moving on, at your own pace.

God has taught us over and over again the value of forgiveness, its importance in this world, and how capable we are of doing His will. So, it is up to you to find the best tools for this purpose.

The keys for how to forgive

In my consultations, it is painful to see how some marriages consider that forgiveness a one-time event. Forgiveness is a process. In the same way that a wound takes time to heal, the emotional wound produced by the wrongdoing also takes time to heal. For this reason, after you decide to extend the gift of forgiveness, you will find yourself remembering the painful experience.

If your spouse decides to forgive you today for forgetting the wedding anniversary, it does not mean that tomorrow everything will be solved with a “sorry.” The same thing happens with bigger mistakes, so if you as a couple and as individuals have decided to provide the gift of forgiveness to your spouse, it is important to be patient through this healing process.

Hiding feelings, disguising resentment, and consistently being paranoid is not healthy for anyone. The pain may not go away instantly, but it can be worked through. The process will depend on the seriousness of the offense. If you are committed to forgiving a difficult spouse, a book that I recommend reading is Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham’s From Anger to Intimacy, which talks more in depth about forgiveness in marriage.

I would also like to give you some tips on how to forgive a difficult spouse in a wise and emotionally healthy way:

Combating the retaliatory attitude

As children, we learn to retaliate against what we don’t like. For example, if your playmate hits you, you hit back. If they said something bad to you, you do the same, or you may have done something worse. This is a behavior that we probably continue to repeat as adults, but in a more disguised way. Why?

Because we believe that by responding in the same way, we will hurt the other person as much as they hurt us. So, it shouldn’t “hurt as much,” right?

When we commit ourselves before God to another person, we form a very intimate bond, one capable of revealing weaknesses never said in public. So therein lies a very sensitive piece of information. The husband knows how to hurt the wife, and vice versa, leading to serious retaliation in marriages.

God has always known this, and that is why He warns that retaliation is forbidden (Romans 12:17-19). “Retaliation” will feel good immediately, of course, but at what cost? Our Lord knows the harm of retaliation and how it can destroy human life. Don’t fall for it.

Recognize that you can only change yourself

You are not responsible or capable of changing your spouse’s behavior, so keep this in mind. When hope for fighting for a marriage vanishes on one side, the relationship will decline.

But it is never too late for hope to revive. So when, for example, a spouse speaks discouraging words or is not expressive enough with his or her emotions, you can talk to him or her. In the first instances, they may not understand, so be patient; but if talking leads to threats, fear or being controlled, your safety comes first.

Two people who were married in love do not stop being in love because they got married. Often the problem is a lack of communication or of encouragement, and much of this can be worked on. By speaking up, expressing yourself and committing, change becomes possible.

You can work on yourself with passion and devotion, accepting God’s grace in your heart. It is a task for both of you.

Love your spouse unconditionally

When we marry, we place no conditions or invisible rules on love and commitment. Jesus teaches us that love for a spouse is unconditional, just as God loves us.

Sometimes it is necessary to take the first step. Did Jesus wait for the spectators to repent as He hung on the cross? No, He asked His Father to forgive them because they did not have the capacity to understand what they were doing. You are capable of showing this attitude to those you love. Unconditional love does not mean putting up with abuse. Forgiving is not the same as reconciling: if you are being hurt, controlled or threatened, you do not have to stay in contact or in danger in order to forgive.

Responding to God instead of reacting to your spouse

If you find it hard to forgive, that does not mean your faith is weak; many people need time, prayer and support.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give, but if time passes, and you continue to harbor heavy feelings, bring it to God in prayer and also consider talking with a counselor or pastor you trust.

What might God be inviting you to let go of today?

How to forgive and therapeutic change

What happens when you can’t forgive no matter how hard you try? Avoidance, defensiveness or low mood can show that the hurt is still unresolved, and they deserve care. Structured forgiveness programs such as the REACH Forgiveness model have been studied, including Christian-adapted versions; the evidence for specific groups is still limited, and such programs are not a replacement for treatment.

In therapy, we work gradually on the fear and pain behind the resentment. When this work is rushed, the feelings can return as painful memories, thoughts and emotions.

Therefore, in these cases, professional guidance adapted to each person’s experience can help.

Final words

Forgiving is a process that can take time. It is a sign of virtue and perseverance, a sign that God’s grace is at work in us.

What is one small step toward letting go of resentment that you could take this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

Forgiveness and its meaning in the Bible

We talk about forgiveness every day. But do you know what forgiveness really means? I have noticed that many of my patients do not look at forgiveness with the same criteria, hence my approach.

We all learn according to the education we have, the people we know, and the emotional intelligence we have developed. So when they explain to me how they are not able to forgive, most of the time the problem is that their definition of forgiveness is not the one they need.

It is impossible to practice something we do not know, so I would like us to learn together what forgiveness means and the myths that surround it.

What is forgiveness?

According to the Royal Spanish Academy, to forgive is the action of remitting an offense, debt, or fault. The Greek word “Aphiemi,” translated as forgiveness, implies letting go or releasing. Similarly, another Greek word used for forgiveness, “Charizomai,” carries the idea of forgiving graciously, as a free gift.

To exempt or release someone from a contracted obligation is another way of looking at it. Forgiveness is also seen as a gift or an act of kindness given to another person, which at the same time is good for the one who gives it.

Keep in mind that forgiving is first a decision, an act of will, in which you choose to release the debt and not to take revenge. Forgiving does not erase responsibility: the person who caused the harm remains responsible for what he or she did. The feelings often follow later, at their own pace.

For my part, I invite you to see forgiveness not only as a gift to the other person but also as a benefit to you, because those of us who are able to forgive are often the ones who benefit the most.

Forgiveness is more than a feeling

It is a liberating action, but one that can still feel conflicting. It is not petty to feel afraid of giving relief to the one who hurt you. Thinking of forgiveness as a gift to someone else while believing that this person does not deserve it, and even wanting them to suffer for their mistakes, are thoughts that make us human. They are common. They are also heavy and exhausting.

However, not forgiving rarely punishes the other person. More often it keeps the wound open in us.

You may think that not forgiving is a way to take care of your wounds, to proclaim that the suffering still exists, and to validate your own feelings. If the person is not able to admit or understand how they hurt you, it is natural to conclude that they do not deserve your forgiveness.

Nevertheless, holding on to resentment can keep hurting you.

What is not forgiveness?

Some teachers describe forgiveness through four commitments: not to dwell on the incident, not to use it as a weapon against the other person, not to spread it as gossip, and not to let it control your present. These commitments do not mean that you must stay silent about your pain. You can, and often should, work through what happened with a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend.

Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process that happens with time, which is different from the act of forgiving, an active process.

So when God says that he “remembers your sins no more” (Isaiah 43:25, NIV), we understand that he chooses not to hold our sins against us. We are called to follow his example, even though we are not God and our wounds may leave memories that remain. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing what was done: you only forgive what was truly wrong.

The consequences of not forgiving

When it is hard to forgive, you may feel that you are in the right, and it can become important to keep justifying your version of the truth and to claim some sort of recompense for the unfair treatment you received.

If you do not grant forgiveness, it can feel like confirming that the other person is the one who is wrong, and like validating your pain.

I have seen over and over again a thought process in which forgiving someone seems to mean that you are “okay” with what they did, leading to thoughts like, “Are my feelings no longer relevant?” “Will everything be forgotten?” “Is it over?”

Forgiveness is not the same as saying that your suffering is meaningless, or that your pain has disappeared. Nor is it the same as saying that you have returned to being the person you were before. Forgiveness is an act of liberation that we all need, first, for ourselves.

What does the Bible say about forgiving?

The Bible gives us many lessons about forgiveness and how to apply it in our daily lives, the main one being that forgiveness is the spiritual deliverance we need in order to move forward.

For example, Romans 8:1 says there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (NIV), which points to the release of sinners from God’s just penalty and the dismissal of the charges against us. Also, Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) says: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The forgiveness God shows us is the model for the forgiveness we are invited to show others.

Scripture presents God’s forgiveness as generous, and it calls us to forgive again and again. Rather than a source of weakness, forgiveness is often a source of healing and strength. Strength does not lie in denial or in pretending to be above pain, but in accepting who we are, how we feel, and acting in the best possible way to live by the counsel of our Lord.

Remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, and it is not granted primarily because the person involved deserves it. Instead, look at forgiveness as a deliberate act of love, mercy, and grace.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You can forgive someone and still keep your distance, set limits, or end a relationship, especially when there has been abuse, violence, or repeated betrayal. Forgiving never requires you to stay in danger or to pretend that you are safe. If you are being hurt, your safety comes first, and asking for help is not a lack of faith.

5 Myths about forgiving

Resentment and bitterness can grow when forgiveness is misunderstood or put off. I understand that not knowing what forgiveness entails, and the good it can do, could lead you away from it. With this in mind, I would like to tell you about five very common myths about forgiveness, which you need to know are just that, myths.

1. It equals forgetting:

If you think that forgiveness is the same as forgetting what happened, you are mistaken. As we have already read, it does not mean that what was done will be erased. Forgetting on command is simply not possible.

2. It implies that the pain is gone:

Nor does forgiving mean that your feelings are not there. You are not a robot; you have emotions that are valuable and that deserve respect. Forgiving is a step toward healing.

3. If you forgive, you have given up the search for justice:

Desiring justice is not wrong. By forgiving, you are not saying that the wrong did not matter. You can forgive and still seek appropriate accountability, and you can entrust final justice to God.

4. It is an invitation to be hurt again:

This is one of the most problematic myths. Forgiving is not the same as trusting again. Trust is rebuilt only through changed behavior over time, and in some situations it should not be rebuilt at all. Forgiveness is not an act of submission or weakness; it is the opposite.

5. If you forgive once, it’s done:

The process of forgiveness takes more than a few minutes and more than one stage. Only you can say where you are in the process, and it will not be a short one.

Final words

The act of forgiving can bring peace to our spirit and our mind. I invite you to continue reading my articles on how to forgive and how to understand the process.

Is there a hurt you have been carrying that you are ready to look at, at your own pace and in a safe place?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

How to teach our children emotional intelligence

As a parent, you will not be able to encourage emotional intelligence in your children without first understanding it in detail, and understanding your role as a guide. That is why I want us to go deeper into what makes up emotional intelligence. We should also know what kind of behavior is appropriate for this task.

What are the components of emotional intelligence?

Talking about emotional intelligence without looking into the work of Daniel Goleman would be a mistake, so it is worth understanding his work. According to Goleman, emotional intelligence can be understood as a type of intelligence that goes beyond the rational or logical.

It is composed of five elements that work together to help us resolve conflicts. These components are:

Emotional Self-Awareness

Emotional self-awareness refers to the ability to understand one’s own emotions and moods. It consists of an intellectual process in which we can relate what we feel to what we express and to what others experience.

It is through self-awareness that we can analyze how our actions affect others and understand that the emotions we feel can change the world around us.

Emotional Self-Regulation

Emotional self-regulation is the ability to manage impulses and emotions with assertiveness. It helps us avoid being carried away by our first reactions, so that we can choose how to act. Self-regulation does not mean hiding or suppressing what we feel; it means choosing how we act on it.

Difficulty managing emotions can make life harder, because it can lead to conflict and to a poor self-image. People who have developed self-regulation are better able to adapt to their environment and do not let emotions overflow. Thinking before speaking is a good way to summarize emotional self-regulation.

Motivation

The third component of emotional intelligence is motivation, which is a psychological process made up of our ability to direct our emotional states toward a specific goal in a positive and energetic way. It helps us face setbacks with vigor.

Motivation helps us stay on track in our lives, be persistent, and avoid distractions. When motivation is low, fatigue and boredom can set in. If a lack of energy or interest, or a low mood, lasts for weeks in a child or an adult, it deserves attention from a professional.

Empathy

Empathy is a very valuable quality in the world we live in. I think this because of how blind we can sometimes be to the feelings of others, and how distant we feel from our neighbor, when it should be the opposite.

Empathy contributes to emotional intelligence as the ability to put ourselves in the place of others, allowing us to interpret and understand their feelings.

Using it, we can be more open-minded and we can also be of more help in complicated moments when we do not know how to act.

Social Skills

The last of the elements is social skills, a series of abilities that allow us to relate better to the people around us. They are recognized as key to professional and personal development.

Without social skills, it is hard to communicate effectively or to know the needs of our environment. That is what we are made for, to live in community and togetherness, just as God teaches us through His word. People who are still developing these skills may feel nervous when interacting with others, for example.

Here we come back to the importance of this topic for children. They are constantly being pushed to socialize at school from a very young age, and a child who finds it difficult to work in a team may have a harder time adapting to the educational system.

The first school to teach emotional intelligence is at home

Do you want your children to have high emotional intelligence? My main advice is that everything starts at home. It is not the first time I have said it, but this is the reality that I need to emphasize again and again. Children learn a great deal by watching their parents. Therefore, it is important for them to see how emotional intelligence works at home.

God has placed the greatest task of creation in the hands of mothers and fathers: conceiving life and guiding it along the right path, giving immeasurable love, as He Himself gives us in His infinite mercy as our creator.

So have you evaluated whether you are a good example of emotional intelligence for your children? If you notice that this is an area where you want to grow, that is a good place to begin. Emotional intelligence can be practiced and strengthened at any age, and your own effort to grow will teach your children more than any lecture.

Children tend to learn how to handle emotions by watching how the adults around them handle theirs. You are an important model for your child, although not the only influence, so this is a team effort. It depends not only on the little ones, but also on the adults in the house.

What kind of parent are you?

The relationship between parents and children is a beautiful bond. It must be strengthened and enriched day by day. However, we agree that it will not be easy to keep it stable all the time, because of its complexity. This is especially true during the developmental years, a fundamental stage for solidifying this sacred bond. The path of emotional growth is full of responsibility and requires constant self-education.

One way to do this is to identify the type of parent you are. For this task, the American psychologist John Gottman has described four parenting styles in how parents respond to their children’s emotions:

  • Dismissing parents. They tend to ignore, belittle, or ridicule their children’s negative emotions.
  • Disapproving parents. They criticize and reprimand the expression of negative emotions and may impose punishments. Negative feelings abound in the home.
  • Laissez-faire parents. They accept the child’s emotions, but they do not guide behavior or set limits.
  • “Emotion Coaching” parents. This is the ideal. These parents identify their children’s feelings, encourage them to talk about them, and try to find a solution together.

You have the power to be your child’s emotional coach. For that, it helps to develop skills such as:

  • knowing how to identify the child’s emotions,
  • taking advantage of opportunities to teach them,
  • listening to them with empathy, and
  • validating their feelings.

It is also important to help children put words to what they feel, to set limits on behavior (all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are), and to look together for accessible solutions.

Which of these four styles do you recognize most in yourself, and what one small change could make you a better emotional coach this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • Goleman, D. Work on emotional intelligence (summary of the five components: Psicología Online).
  • Gottman Institute, The four parenting styles. See also Gottman, J., with DeClaire, J., Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

Why Emotional Intelligence is important for children?

I have lost count of the number of parents who have called me concerned about their children’s erratic behavior. For that reason, we will look at what Emotional Intelligence is and why it matters for our children.

From little ones who are aggressive with their schoolmates, to withdrawn children who have a hard time relating to others. As their parent, you will feel it is your responsibility to help them overcome these issues, so you may be tempted to look for someone to blame or for punishments to correct them.

Even so, have you ever wondered if your child is capable of handling their own emotions? The complexity of human relationships begins very early in life, therefore, difficulties with emotional intelligence can make it harder for a child to manage their emotions.

Emotional intelligence is as important as other types of intelligence because it helps you know yourself and others as you grow up. By encouraging it in children, we can support their learning, help them resolve conflicts more easily, and encourage personal and social well-being.

If you feel that you invest a lot of effort into making your child do their homework, get good grades, or behave the way you want them to, keep in mind that proper development is not only focused on academic intelligence. It’s time for me to teach you what emotional intelligence is. Let’s start.

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills for the correct management of emotions, for example, motivation, empathy, enthusiasm, and self-control. These skills begin to develop early and can be learned throughout life. That is why both adults and children are able to develop them.

This concept was first used by the American psychologists Peter Salovey & John Mayer in 1990. It became widely known through the 1995 book of the same title by Daniel Goleman.

Unlike what you may believe, emotional intelligence does not mean having no emotional reaction. On the contrary, it is about what you do with your reactions.

That is why an emotionally intelligent person will have the following characteristics:

  • They have a deep knowledge of their emotions: Those who develop emotional intelligence can analyze their emotions and interpret them. They just don’t just feel them.
  • These people do not repress their feelings: They show sincerity and authenticity regarding their feelings. Besides, they can also express their feelings clearly.
  • They show a balance in their emotions: It’s all about balance, and how they are able to identify the bad and the good. They tend to look for helpful solutions.

Considering all the above, it is logical to want our children to have this kind of intelligence. However, first it is fundamental that, as parents, we are able to educate ourselves and follow the path that has been established by our God.

What are emotions?

In a technical way, emotions are physiological reactions that we have to adapt to the environment we are in. In other words, our brain has the great capacity to modify our cognition to use behaviors that allow us to survive depending on the situation. Basically, emotions are adaptive functions.

At the same time, this function has physiological components (an involuntary reaction, such as accelerated breathing), cognitive components (a subjective experience), and behavioral components (the change of behavior, such as movements or facial gestures).

According to Paul Ekman, there are six basic or primary emotions:

  1. Fear: Associated with nervousness, restlessness, and anxiety.
  2. Anger: Associated with hostility, indignation, and rage.
  3. Joy: Associated with pleasure, amusement, and ecstasy.
  4. Surprise: Associated with discovery, expectation, and dynamism.
  5. Disgust: Associated with disgust or rejection.
  6. Sadness: Associated with isolation or decreased energy.

Why is emotional intelligence important?

If your child is, for example, not good at math, but instead of asking for your help, he or she screams and gets frustrated easily, you will understand the importance of emotional intelligence. Children who have it are able to solve problems by managing their emotions wisely.

Emotional intelligence is harder to measure than IQ, and no single test tells you whether your child “has” it. But its role in child development is important. A child who is emotionally intelligent will be able to respond well to the surrounding environment. Likewise, he/she will be able to establish better relationships with other children and adults.

I feel that encouraging emotional intelligence is especially valuable for children who have difficulty concentrating or learning, as it can support their learning and development.

As a parent, you need to put yourself in your child’s position at every difficult moment. So just imagine that you have learning and attention difficulties, you can’t solve tasks that are easy for your other classmates. Children with these kinds of complications often feel embarrassed and intimidated by learning. But by stimulating their emotional intelligence, you can prepare them for new challenges.

Keep in mind that some children with attention or learning difficulties, such as ADHD, may find it harder to develop social skills and to read situations accurately. If you are concerned about your child’s attention, learning or behavior, a pediatrician or a child mental health professional can evaluate it; working on emotional intelligence does not replace that evaluation.

If your child fits this description, or you identify with what I have said here, do not feel like there is no solution. It is quite the opposite, actually. Emotional intelligence can be strengthened at any age, in each child’s own way.

What is one feeling your child showed this week, and how could you help them put a name to it?

If your child talks about wanting to die or to hurt themselves, seek help right away; you can call or text 988 at any time.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • Salovey, P. and Mayer, J. D. (1990), emotional intelligence; Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.
  • Ekman’s six basic emotions, as summarized in the Psicoactiva article linked in the text.

How to recover from an emotional crisis

It is not easy to go through an emotional crisis. Understanding, love and God are a good summary of what can help hearts and minds heal after trauma. But people will also need support, and sometimes professional care.

If you have lived through a tragic event, you should know that the strength to get up is in you. And if you have seen someone you love to suffer because of it, the strength to guide them is also in you. So, I want to guide you to healing and also teach you how to guide.

How to recover from an emotional crisis

Recovery from an emotional crisis is possible for many people, though it takes time and the path is different for each person. Here are some tips to help you heal:

Minimize exposure to memories

If you are a survivor of a natural disaster or an accident, the media may report on that case. Likewise, social media has become a space to distribute this kind of information, so in the first days consider limiting how much of it you watch, so you don’t relive those memories again and again.

Limiting repeated exposure to news and images can help in the early days. But avoiding every reminder for a long time can keep the distress going, so if reminders still overwhelm you after several weeks, a professional can help you approach them gradually.

Accept your feelings

You’re very like experiencing emotions that you thought you would never experience due to traumatic stress. So, try to accept all those feelings, and understand that they are normal. It is normal to feel anger, guilt, or shock.

No one has the right to judge you for the feelings you have. On the contrary, it is healthy to surround yourself with people who want to offer you unconditional support. Keep in mind that God will always be by your side, and you can talk to him for encouragement.

Start challenging your powerlessness:

To overcome, you will have to face it, so start taking positive actions that will allow you to overcome all that fear, powerlessness, and hopelessness you may feel. It may sound simple, but believe me when I tell you it will make a difference.

Some people help people who have gone through similar situations as a way to heal and gain peace of mind. Others volunteer for those in need during traumatic events. Opening that door may be scary, but once you open it, you will realize how much good it can do you.

Exercise

Exercise. It’s not a joke, it’s advice! When suffering from the kind of stress generated by these events, one way to escape is to start exercising. Physical activity can help burn off tension and release endorphins.

Many people find that their mood and body feel better. Your nervous system needs to be stimulated and by doing activities like walking, running, swimming, or playing a sport, you will be doing just that. If your doctor agrees that exercise is safe for you, you can focus on the physical activity you do, every step, every kick, and feel more in touch with your body than ever before.

Reach out to others

People were made to live in community; that was God’s intention. That is why, in difficult times, distancing ourselves from those who care for us is not advisable. Rather, you should do the opposite and unite with those who care for us.

A traumatic event can work to bring us closer to those from whom we have distanced ourselves for one reason or another. Simply talking face to face with someone who cares can help you feel calmer.

If you are afraid to talk to those people about the event, you don’t have to talk about it specifically. You can seek solace in talks that help you feel connected, or chats that are “normal.”

Six essential tools to overcome the crisis

To conclude, I would like to give you 6 very useful tools  to help you get through a crisis. They come from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills for tolerating distress; they can help you through a hard moment, but they are not a treatment for trauma:

#1 TIPP

Use the TIPP tool when you are close to an emotional breakdown. The name is an acronym for Temperature, Intense exercise, paced breathing, and Paired muscle relaxation.

Start by changing your body temperature, for example by splashing cool water on your face (ask your doctor first if you have a medical condition). Intense exercise can also release tension; do it only if it is safe for you. Next is to control your breathing to decrease the emotional pain, and then relax your muscles, and let them rest.

#2 ACCEPTS

Similar to the previous tool, this is used to tolerate negative emotions until you have to face them.

You can use it by doing a healthy activity that keeps you away from negative emotions. Also doing something kind for someone else just for the joy it causes is part of this, which can help put your life in perspective.

If you feel distressed, you can invoke an opposite emotion to it. Other activities that follow in this tool include stepping away from problems for a while and shifting your attention to other thoughts.

#3 IMPROVE

This tool is perfect when you have no control over something but have to tolerate it. It uses imagination and meaning. In the first part, you must imagine yourself successfully dealing with the problem, and in the second one, you must find the meaning in the situations that hurt you.

Next is prayer. That’s right, prayer will serve to surrender your problems and allow you to tolerate the situation. You need to relax and let go of the past and the future. You should also encourage yourself with affirmative and positive phrases.

#4 LIST OF PROS AND CONS

If you want to make sensible decisions in difficult times, this tool will be useful. You just need to make a list of the positive and negative points of all the options you have.

When you finish, compare the options available to you. With this type of list, you will be able to control impulses.

#5 SELF-SOOTHE

The tool helps diminish the power of negative emotions. It advises you to focus on your senses to clear yourself of negative feelings.

Use your sight to focus on something, the colors on a wall, the pictures on an album. Use your ears to listen to birdsong or the flow of water.

The same will happen with your senses of taste, touch, and smell. Look for elements that are pleasant to you and put you in a good mood. Enjoy them. As a bonus, movement is included as a sixth sense. Move your body by dancing or walking.

#6 RADICAL ACCEPTANCE:

And if you will have to live an unpleasant situation that will not change, this tool is recommended. It serves to accept reality and move on. Radical acceptance does not mean approving of what happened or staying in a harmful situation.

In short, it will serve to get you to understand that even though the available options do not please you, you will have to choose one and adapt. Feeling distress when you do this is common, but accepting what you cannot change can reduce the fight against reality and the urge to act on impulse.

If distressing reactions to a traumatic event last more than a month, or make it hard to work, sleep or relate to others, talk with a health professional; help is available.

Who is one person you trust that you could call or sit with this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder”: nimh.nih.gov.
  • Simpson, B. (2018). “6 Essential Skills Therapists Recommend to Help You Thrive in an Emotional Crisis,” Resources to Recover (link in the text).

How to deal with emotional crises in few steps

Emotional crises, the situations that put heavy pressure on us, affect our whole self. That is why I don’t recommend that you let it go unnoticed when you feel you can’t get through something easily. Keep in mind that the more serious the event, the greater its effect on you is likely to be.

Emotional reactions during emotional crises

Emotional crises will awaken many reactions that are impossible to ignore. These reactions usually include physical, cognitive, and interpersonal aspects.

A breakup is not the same as the death of your partner, a vehicle accident in which there were only material losses is not the same as one in which there were serious injuries.

Emotional

Emotions will be the protagonists in crises. It is also in these moments when we will sincerely understand how powerful they are and how they define us. When you go through a crisis, you will experience emotional reactions. They can include shock and an overwhelming feeling in which you may not believe what just happened to you.

Reactions can also include emotions such as anger or irritability for having witnessed the event. Pain is a natural part of the experience, and so is the guilt many people feel for not having been able to do more. These emotions can be present throughout the recovery process, and after very serious events they may return on the anniversaries.

Cognitive

With the cognitive aspect, you experience feelings such as confusion, indecision, lack of memory, and trouble concentrating. Memories of the event may also come with an increased heart rate or sweating.

Depending on the type of event that triggered this emotional crisis, these reactions can be milder or more intense.

Physical

Our emotions are connected to our body. This is something I always emphasize to my patients. Everything is connected, and that is why we have physical reactions during emotional crises.

Physical reactions can include tension, headaches, or fatigue/tiredness. Body aches and pains are not uncommon, nor are considerable changes in both sleep and eating habits.

Interpersonal

Regarding interpersonal reactions, there could be reactions like distrust, withdrawal, conflict, sensitivity, or feeling rejected. Depending on the age of the person, he/she could develop problems at school or at work.

What to do after a crisis

Recovering your emotional balance and rebuilding your life after a traumatic event does not happen quickly. But it is true that taking certain attitudes will be of great help when dealing with the issue.

Basic tips

Here are some basic tips on how to act after a crisis that may help you:

  • There is no right or wrong way to feel. No one can tell you how to feel about a traumatic event. Humans do not all react to trauma the same way.
  • Feelings cannot be ignored. Hiding your feelings for a long time can make recovery harder. Waiting a little before you talk about what happened can be natural, but try not to avoid your emotions indefinitely: feelings that are never dealt with can become more intense. Talk with someone you trust, at your own pace.
  • Don’t obsessively relive the event. You do not need to force yourself to go over the event again and again. Replaying it over and over can leave you overwhelmed and make it hard to think clearly. If the memories feel out of your control, it can help to take breaks with an activity you find calming or rewarding, such as reading or cooking. Distraction is a way to rest, not a way to avoid the pain forever: if the memories keep coming back and you cannot stop them, ask a professional for help.
  • Get back into your routine. Routines are comfortable and comforting. So getting back into them will help you feel a little better. Events like these may be so big that they force you to change your schedule at school or work. But you can still find a routine to apply to meals or bedtime.
  • You do not have to make important decisions at this stage: Do not put pressure on yourself by making important decisions at work, at home, or in your family. Making these types of decisions while you are in distress can add more stress. When you can, wait until you are able to think clearly.

How to help children cope with emotional crises

Children need our protection, and you should know that some children react immediately in a crisis, while others take much longer. Also, the signs of emotional distress are closely related to the child’s age. The same goes for the child’s previous experiences and how he or she deals with stress.

One way to know how your child will act in such a situation is how you act. That’s right, children try to imitate adults at times like these, so showing them security and calmness will give them better support.

As a parent or older figure, you need to convey reassurance and confidence. One recommendation I consistently make is to talk to children about what is happening. Understand that the age of the child will influence the amount of information you give them and how you give it to them. Simpler is better.

Later, as the event passes, it will be time to address all of their behaviors and help them cope with the consequences of what they have experienced. If the child asks questions, answer them honestly and in simple words. I think it is a good idea to encourage them to talk about their fears and any doubts they may have.

If a child’s distress lasts for weeks, or if you notice that your child cannot sleep, refuses to go to school, or talks about not wanting to live or about hurting themselves, talk right away with your child’s pediatrician or a child mental health professional.

What helps you feel safe and supported when life is shaken? Which of these steps could you try this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

Everything you need to know about emotional crisis

We all have a different way of facing difficult situations in life. However, here is when an emotional crisis can appear. But if I have learned anything in my years of practice, it is that emotions can mark your path for better or worse. They are an essential part of our life, but understanding them is not an easy task.

Dealing with the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job or even a relationship, is not easy. This is why these situations are the ones that commonly lead to an emotional crisis.

Even though God guides us every day and is our protection and strength, I know that it is also difficult to face life after such events. Pain can frustrate us, weaken us, and make it hard to see the help that our Lord offers us. It is not your fault if you cannot see a way out right now: pain can cloud anyone’s view, and you may not yet have the resources to face these transitions on your own. Help exists, and asking for it is not a lack of faith.

That is why I want to show you how you can face adversity with more understanding and support.

Emotional crisis: what are they, types, and stages

I would like you to keep in mind that to overcome adversity, you need to identify what adversity looks like and what causes it. Therefore, consider the following points:

What is a crisis?

A crisis is a transitory state that will affect your emotional and behavioral perception, impairing your ability to make decisions. In other words, it is a difficult situation that you will have to go through, and it will disturb your emotions. It may be that the event effects only you or on a larger scale, affecting an entire family, community, or even country.

Tragedies come with many faces. It could be the sudden death of someone you care about, or, it could be a car accident, or a hurricane. As I said, each person will respond differently, and it is that response that will outline the recovery process.

The curious thing about emotional crises is that while they are a danger for some people, for others, they are an opportunity. For example, an opportunity is when amid pain, the family unites to overcome it and becomes greater than it is. It also becomes an opportunity when solutions are sought together.

However, unfortunately, some see crises as a danger because:

  • they are paralyzed by fear,
  • their self-confidence is drained,
  • and they wait for others to solve the problem for them.

I have seen thousands of reactions to crises in my therapy sessions. There are those who even use them to reflect on life. There are also those who give up, those who look for a new purpose, those who get sick, those who take years to heal, and even those who heal quickly.

Certainly, there is no standard recovery time for crises, but if you feel stuck, if weeks go by and you cannot function at work, at home, or in your relationships, or if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, it is time to seek professional help.

Types of Emotional Crisis

Most people have gone through or will go through an emotional crisis in their lives. Great challenges will be imposed on us in one way or another. These events often appear unexpectedly and can be confusing.

However, keep in mind that emotional crises cannot be categorized into types, but we can categorize the transitions that cause them. They can be ordered in two forms: the crises from external conditions, and the crises from internal conditions.

By external conditions, we mean crises caused by an event that is unrelated to you, for example, natural catastrophes, terrorist acts, accidents, illnesses, deceased or missing relatives. Similarly, layoffs, discrimination, and harassment are part of that list.

On the other hand, internal conditions are crises that do not depend on facts as such but subjective feelings. They have the meaning that you give them.

Such are the cases of existential crises, vocational crises, identity crises, or couple crises. There are hundreds of other forms, such as developmental crises (childhood, adolescence, old age), and spiritual crises.

The 4 stages of a crisis:

In a crisis, you will generally have to deal with four stages. These stages are the following:

  • Paralysis. The first stage of an emotional crisis usually begins with a sense of bewilderment and a feeling of not being able to reason or act. What happens in the instant is processed.
  • Uncertainty. Events that trigger emotional crises are not everyday occurrences. That is why the most common reaction is having a deep feeling of uncertainty invade you. No matter how many ideas come into your head, you will be pondering them all.
  • Intrusion. Intrusion is where you will finally accept the painful feelings, and live through and remember the tragic images. Having frequent thoughts of that event will be normal at this stage. It is a time that takes longer for certain people.
  • Elaboration and solution. In these moments, the pain is expressed in true thoughts. Although some can do it naturally, there will be those who need psychological support. In the stage of overcoming the pain, one begins to unburden oneself and reach a conclusion about what has been experienced.

The grieving process in a crisis

Curiously, understanding the origin of the Spanish word “duelo” (grief) will help to better understand what it consists of. This word comes from the Latin “dolus,” meaning pain or combat between two. The Spanish Society for Palliative Care (SECPAL) defines grief as a process of adaptation that makes it possible to restore the personal and family balance broken by the death of a loved one.

On the other hand, according to Kaplan’s Treatise on Psychiatry, a normal mourning process usually consists of three stages. They are not completely linear, as it is possible to regress to one of these.

The first of these is the phase of shock and denial. In this phase, denial and bewilderment will be the predominant feelings exhibited. The second phase is that of acute distress and isolation, consisting of a mixture of suffering, anger, and difficulty resting.

Finally, there is the phase of reorganization. Here, the loss finally assimilates in all its meaning, however much it may have cost. This phase is the one that will mark the beginning of restarting life, going back to the previous roles, and starting from scratch.

Which of these stages are you living through right now, and who could walk with you through it?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

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