I have lost count of the number of parents who have called me concerned about their children’s erratic behavior. For that reason, we will look at what Emotional Intelligence is and why it matters for our children.
From little ones who are aggressive with their schoolmates, to withdrawn children who have a hard time relating to others. As their parent, you will feel it is your responsibility to help them overcome these issues, so you may be tempted to look for someone to blame or for punishments to correct them.
Even so, have you ever wondered if your child is capable of handling their own emotions? The complexity of human relationships begins very early in life, therefore, difficulties with emotional intelligence can make it harder for a child to manage their emotions.
Emotional intelligence is as important as other types of intelligence because it helps you know yourself and others as you grow up. By encouraging it in children, we can support their learning, help them resolve conflicts more easily, and encourage personal and social well-being.
If you feel that you invest a lot of effort into making your child do their homework, get good grades, or behave the way you want them to, keep in mind that proper development is not only focused on academic intelligence. It’s time for me to teach you what emotional intelligence is. Let’s start.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is a set of skills for the correct management of emotions, for example, motivation, empathy, enthusiasm, and self-control. These skills begin to develop early and can be learned throughout life. That is why both adults and children are able to develop them.
This concept was first used by the American psychologists Peter Salovey & John Mayer in 1990. It became widely known through the 1995 book of the same title by Daniel Goleman.
Unlike what you may believe, emotional intelligence does not mean having no emotional reaction. On the contrary, it is about what you do with your reactions.
That is why an emotionally intelligent person will have the following characteristics:
- They have a deep knowledge of their emotions: Those who develop emotional intelligence can analyze their emotions and interpret them. They just don’t just feel them.
- These people do not repress their feelings: They show sincerity and authenticity regarding their feelings. Besides, they can also express their feelings clearly.
- They show a balance in their emotions: It’s all about balance, and how they are able to identify the bad and the good. They tend to look for helpful solutions.
Considering all the above, it is logical to want our children to have this kind of intelligence. However, first it is fundamental that, as parents, we are able to educate ourselves and follow the path that has been established by our God.
What are emotions?
In a technical way, emotions are physiological reactions that we have to adapt to the environment we are in. In other words, our brain has the great capacity to modify our cognition to use behaviors that allow us to survive depending on the situation. Basically, emotions are adaptive functions.
At the same time, this function has physiological components (an involuntary reaction, such as accelerated breathing), cognitive components (a subjective experience), and behavioral components (the change of behavior, such as movements or facial gestures).
According to Paul Ekman, there are six basic or primary emotions:
- Fear: Associated with nervousness, restlessness, and anxiety.
- Anger: Associated with hostility, indignation, and rage.
- Joy: Associated with pleasure, amusement, and ecstasy.
- Surprise: Associated with discovery, expectation, and dynamism.
- Disgust: Associated with disgust or rejection.
- Sadness: Associated with isolation or decreased energy.
Why is emotional intelligence important?
If your child is, for example, not good at math, but instead of asking for your help, he or she screams and gets frustrated easily, you will understand the importance of emotional intelligence. Children who have it are able to solve problems by managing their emotions wisely.
Emotional intelligence is harder to measure than IQ, and no single test tells you whether your child “has” it. But its role in child development is important. A child who is emotionally intelligent will be able to respond well to the surrounding environment. Likewise, he/she will be able to establish better relationships with other children and adults.
I feel that encouraging emotional intelligence is especially valuable for children who have difficulty concentrating or learning, as it can support their learning and development.
As a parent, you need to put yourself in your child’s position at every difficult moment. So just imagine that you have learning and attention difficulties, you can’t solve tasks that are easy for your other classmates. Children with these kinds of complications often feel embarrassed and intimidated by learning. But by stimulating their emotional intelligence, you can prepare them for new challenges.
Keep in mind that some children with attention or learning difficulties, such as ADHD, may find it harder to develop social skills and to read situations accurately. If you are concerned about your child’s attention, learning or behavior, a pediatrician or a child mental health professional can evaluate it; working on emotional intelligence does not replace that evaluation.
If your child fits this description, or you identify with what I have said here, do not feel like there is no solution. It is quite the opposite, actually. Emotional intelligence can be strengthened at any age, in each child’s own way.
What is one feeling your child showed this week, and how could you help them put a name to it?
If your child talks about wanting to die or to hurt themselves, seek help right away; you can call or text 988 at any time.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Salovey, P. and Mayer, J. D. (1990), emotional intelligence; Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.
- Ekman’s six basic emotions, as summarized in the Psicoactiva article linked in the text.
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