Chapter 9 opens with a small accident. Ian prepared a romantic dinner at home, and when he opened a bottle of non-alcoholic wine it spurted and stained Cary’s white blouse. Ian panicked. Cary “simply laughed and said, ‘Look on the bright side, now you have an excuse to take me shopping!'” Then she hugged him, “telling him that little mishaps like these did not define their love and that the most important thing was that they were together.”
Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises below. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In immediate danger, call 911.
From there the chapter lays out seven principles. Here they are in its words, each with one practice it describes.
1. “Embrace the superpower of divine love!”
“Let God’s love and grace heal old wounds and build a secure bond.” The practice: “As a homework exercise, we asked Ian and Cary to spend time in prayer together each day.”
2. “Be an open book”
“Speak honestly, without fear of being sent back to the shelf.” The practices: use statements that begin with “I” instead of “you,” set aside “thirty minutes a day to talk to each other without distractions, such as phones or television,” and try the mirror technique. One partner speaks and the other repeats it back. If Ian says, “I’m feeling really anxious about my job right now,” Cary replies, “It sounds like you’re feeling worried and stressed about your job. Is that correct?”
3. “Love agenda”
“Just as we schedule work meetings, it is important to plan regular times to enjoy together.” The chapter’s list of ideas includes a movie night at home, cooking together, morning or evening walks, reading aloud, a do-it-yourself project, board games, a paint night, gardening and planning a trip. It calls the love agenda “a conscious decision to prioritize love and connection in the midst of day-to-day demands.”
4. “Be the captain of your emotional ship”
“Take responsibility for your emotions and reactions, without blaming or criticizing.” The chapter’s example: instead of “You make me feel ignored when you focus so much on your work,” Cary learned to say, “I feel ignored when we don’t spend enough quality time together.” It also describes a stopping technique, “taking a moment to pause when they feel overwhelmed by an emotion,” and says “I need some support now,” rather than “You’re never there for me.”
5. Become the best “emotional translator”
“Show empathy and understanding for your partner’s experiences and feelings.” The chapter says: “Each time one of them made an effort to understand and validate the other’s feelings, their emotional connection strengthened.” One practice is the empathy letter: “You each write a letter to each other from your partner’s perspective.”
6. “Let’s clean out the grudge closet”
“Practice forgiveness and say goodbye to resentment and bitterness.” The chapter says: “Grudges and bitterness can act as barriers that prevent us from connecting with others on a deeper level.” As homework, Ian and Cary wrote letters of forgiveness. “They did not have to deliver the letters.”
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiving someone does not mean going back to a relationship in which you are being harmed, and it does not mean the harm was acceptable.
7. “Share your spiritual journey”
“Seek support and resources from your spiritual network to strengthen your love bond.” The chapter suggests a “Bible study group for couples, community service around the church, and Christian couples’ retreats,” and seeking “spiritual mentors within their community.”
Church groups and retreats are not the place to work through abuse. If there is violence, threats, control or fear in your relationship, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) or a licensed professional instead.
Keep reading
Chapter 10 is the book’s last chapter. In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.
Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).
This article is education, not therapy. Results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.
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