We talk about forgiveness every day. But do you know what forgiveness really means? I have noticed that many of my patients do not look at forgiveness with the same criteria, hence my approach.
We all learn according to the education we have, the people we know, and the emotional intelligence we have developed. So when they explain to me how they are not able to forgive, most of the time the problem is that their definition of forgiveness is not the one they need.
It is impossible to practice something we do not know, so I would like us to learn together what forgiveness means and the myths that surround it.
What is forgiveness?
According to the Royal Spanish Academy, to forgive is the action of remitting an offense, debt, or fault. The Greek word “Aphiemi,” translated as forgiveness, implies letting go or releasing. Similarly, another Greek word used for forgiveness, “Charizomai,” carries the idea of forgiving graciously, as a free gift.
To exempt or release someone from a contracted obligation is another way of looking at it. Forgiveness is also seen as a gift or an act of kindness given to another person, which at the same time is good for the one who gives it.
Keep in mind that forgiving is first a decision, an act of will, in which you choose to release the debt and not to take revenge. Forgiving does not erase responsibility: the person who caused the harm remains responsible for what he or she did. The feelings often follow later, at their own pace.
For my part, I invite you to see forgiveness not only as a gift to the other person but also as a benefit to you, because those of us who are able to forgive are often the ones who benefit the most.
Forgiveness is more than a feeling
It is a liberating action, but one that can still feel conflicting. It is not petty to feel afraid of giving relief to the one who hurt you. Thinking of forgiveness as a gift to someone else while believing that this person does not deserve it, and even wanting them to suffer for their mistakes, are thoughts that make us human. They are common. They are also heavy and exhausting.
However, not forgiving rarely punishes the other person. More often it keeps the wound open in us.
You may think that not forgiving is a way to take care of your wounds, to proclaim that the suffering still exists, and to validate your own feelings. If the person is not able to admit or understand how they hurt you, it is natural to conclude that they do not deserve your forgiveness.
Nevertheless, holding on to resentment can keep hurting you.
What is not forgiveness?
Some teachers describe forgiveness through four commitments: not to dwell on the incident, not to use it as a weapon against the other person, not to spread it as gossip, and not to let it control your present. These commitments do not mean that you must stay silent about your pain. You can, and often should, work through what happened with a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend.
Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process that happens with time, which is different from the act of forgiving, an active process.
So when God says that he “remembers your sins no more” (Isaiah 43:25, NIV), we understand that he chooses not to hold our sins against us. We are called to follow his example, even though we are not God and our wounds may leave memories that remain. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing what was done: you only forgive what was truly wrong.
The consequences of not forgiving
When it is hard to forgive, you may feel that you are in the right, and it can become important to keep justifying your version of the truth and to claim some sort of recompense for the unfair treatment you received.
If you do not grant forgiveness, it can feel like confirming that the other person is the one who is wrong, and like validating your pain.
I have seen over and over again a thought process in which forgiving someone seems to mean that you are “okay” with what they did, leading to thoughts like, “Are my feelings no longer relevant?” “Will everything be forgotten?” “Is it over?”
Forgiveness is not the same as saying that your suffering is meaningless, or that your pain has disappeared. Nor is it the same as saying that you have returned to being the person you were before. Forgiveness is an act of liberation that we all need, first, for ourselves.
What does the Bible say about forgiving?
The Bible gives us many lessons about forgiveness and how to apply it in our daily lives, the main one being that forgiveness is the spiritual deliverance we need in order to move forward.
For example, Romans 8:1 says there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (NIV), which points to the release of sinners from God’s just penalty and the dismissal of the charges against us. Also, Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) says: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The forgiveness God shows us is the model for the forgiveness we are invited to show others.
Scripture presents God’s forgiveness as generous, and it calls us to forgive again and again. Rather than a source of weakness, forgiveness is often a source of healing and strength. Strength does not lie in denial or in pretending to be above pain, but in accepting who we are, how we feel, and acting in the best possible way to live by the counsel of our Lord.
Remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, and it is not granted primarily because the person involved deserves it. Instead, look at forgiveness as a deliberate act of love, mercy, and grace.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You can forgive someone and still keep your distance, set limits, or end a relationship, especially when there has been abuse, violence, or repeated betrayal. Forgiving never requires you to stay in danger or to pretend that you are safe. If you are being hurt, your safety comes first, and asking for help is not a lack of faith.
5 Myths about forgiving
Resentment and bitterness can grow when forgiveness is misunderstood or put off. I understand that not knowing what forgiveness entails, and the good it can do, could lead you away from it. With this in mind, I would like to tell you about five very common myths about forgiveness, which you need to know are just that, myths.
1. It equals forgetting:
If you think that forgiveness is the same as forgetting what happened, you are mistaken. As we have already read, it does not mean that what was done will be erased. Forgetting on command is simply not possible.
2. It implies that the pain is gone:
Nor does forgiving mean that your feelings are not there. You are not a robot; you have emotions that are valuable and that deserve respect. Forgiving is a step toward healing.
3. If you forgive, you have given up the search for justice:
Desiring justice is not wrong. By forgiving, you are not saying that the wrong did not matter. You can forgive and still seek appropriate accountability, and you can entrust final justice to God.
4. It is an invitation to be hurt again:
This is one of the most problematic myths. Forgiving is not the same as trusting again. Trust is rebuilt only through changed behavior over time, and in some situations it should not be rebuilt at all. Forgiveness is not an act of submission or weakness; it is the opposite.
5. If you forgive once, it’s done:
The process of forgiveness takes more than a few minutes and more than one stage. Only you can say where you are in the process, and it will not be a short one.
Final words
The act of forgiving can bring peace to our spirit and our mind. I invite you to continue reading my articles on how to forgive and how to understand the process.
Is there a hurt you have been carrying that you are ready to look at, at your own pace and in a safe place?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Real Academia Española, Diccionario de la lengua española, “perdonar.”
- Psychology Today, What is forgiveness and how do you do it?
- GotQuestions.org, What is forgiveness?
- Acts 29, Forgiveness: what it is, what it is not
- Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV).
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