What do I do if my child is looking at pornography?

Marta is a mother who called me some time ago. There was anguish and despair in her voice. Between sobs I could hear: “I am a failure as a mother,” “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” “My son is addicted to pornography and it’s my fault.” After reassuring her and asking her to explain what was happening, she was able to tell me about her experience.

Her son is 13 years old. He has been receiving online classes via Zoom at home throughout the pandemic. The mother was initially able to stay with him at home to supervise him, but after two months of isolation, she had to return to work while her son stayed home taking his classes online.

Clues for the mother whose child was looking pornography

At first, the teenager commented that he was very happy to receive the online classes. However, it seems that as time passed, and he realized the complexity of his situation: not being able to play with his friends and feeling that online classes were boring. He began to reject the Zoom classes, to the point that he preferred to stay in bed for most of the morning.

But, things took another turn when her son shared his situation with a classmate, and was waiting for the activity that kept him from being bored — seeing a man and a woman having sex. Pornography.

Immediately, the boy began to visit web pages with pornographic content. Thus, while he had Zoom open in one window on his computer, in the other, he was watching pornography.

Marta realized what was happening when one day when she couldn’t go to work and entered her son’s room without warning. She watched what he was doing in horror as she listened to the teacher giving the class. Furious and outraged, she turned off the computer and began beating the teenager for it.

Her son, who was also confused and ashamed, did nothing but say he would not do it anymore, as the mother took her anger and frustration out on him. One day after this incident, Marta called me and said, “I am a failure as a mother,” and she proceeded to tell me her story, and questioned whether she acted correctly.

Statistics about children and pornography

In 2015, C.S Mott Children’s Hospital said that cybersecurity ranks fourth among the most worrisome issues for children today. According to TopTenReviews.com, the average age of the first exposure to pornography is 11 years old.

Also, according to LDSLiving.com, 79 percent of young people who were intentionally exposed to pornography were exposed from their homes. As we can see, these statistics are alarming.

So this issue is an epidemic that we need to talk about more often. Sooner or later, other parents will face a situation similar to Marta’s story. The question is: What should a parent do if his / her child is looking at pornography?

When Their Children are looking Pornography

Many parents make the following mistakes when they realize that their sons or daughters have been exposed to pornographic content:

Using shame as punishment

A large majority of parents believe that shaming their children for watching pornographic material is a good way to get them to change their behavior. But studies prove the opposite. Children who are embarrassed may eventually come to see themselves as bad people, rather than good people who made wrong decisions. This shame even leads children to hide their behavior instead of getting the help they need in this situation.

Taking away the children’s access to technology

While we believe that setting limits and punishments is very important in raising minors, it is imperative to also understand that we need to be sensitive to modern online culture, the one our children were born into. Taking away all access to technology can result in isolation. Therefore, this solution can become a problem because the opposite of addiction is being disconnected from your environment.

Seeing yourself as a failure

In my therapy sessions, I meet parents who base their identity on their perceived success as parents. They view their children’s negative behavior as a reflection of their ability as mother or father figures. But the truth is that your children’s negative actions not define you are as a parent.

Making assumptions

The first thing Marta, the mother in today’s story, did was assume the worst about her son. She said: “My son is addicted to pornography, he is going to become a sexual predator. He will be a failure in life.”

These negative reactions don’t help your son or daughter understand the consequences of their negative decision. What they will do is distance him/her from you, and close the door of communication.

If your son / daughter believes they cannot talk to you about their struggles in life, who do you think is going to educate them about their sexuality? Sadly. Friends and the internet will take the place that a father should occupy.

What can a parent do if their child watches pornography?

Rather than pulling out her hair and feeling like a failure, Marta should handle the situation with grace and truth. What does this mean? Instead of losing control and exploding with anger, she can control herself and invite her son to pray.

I know you are thinking that the last thing you want to do is invite your child to pray when you want to scream at them and beat them up. But when you invite your child to pray with you and to talk about it, you are inviting them to have a dialogue about a topic that is embarrassing for both the parents and children.

Communication is key

As long as you keep the lines of communication open with your child, there is hope of influencing their life to help them make better decisions. What should you talk about? Ask your child open-ended questions, such as: How long have you been looking at pornography? How do you feel about it? What do you think should be the punishment for this negative choice?

Present the truth with love

Explain to your child with love that pornography literally alters our brain, desensitizes, and affects the personality. Sex was created by God, and it is a good and positive thing. But pornography misrepresents God’s truth about man’s sexuality. The decisions we make create direction. We cannot erase images with pornographic content that we store from our minds. Your decisions affect your destiny.

Help your child understand that he / she is not the problem: The problem is pornography. Viewing pornography as the problem and not your child will allow you to handle the situation more efficiently. Since the problem is pornography and not your child, you must seek a solution to the problem together.

Actions to avoid pornography

Encourage them to think of ways to stay safe. Solutions may include:

Avoid using keywords that lead to these types of images.
Update security levels on devices.
Keep devices in public places.
Avoid friends, relatives, and neighbors who view pornography.
Have regular conversations about what your son or daughter watches.

Remember how God treats you as a parent when you make a mistake. God treats you with grace, love, and compassion. When he met the adulterous woman, he did not shame her, but stood by her side, pouring out grace. That is the call that God makes of us as parents.

Treat your children the same way He treats us. God is committed to helping you save your child. You are not alone in this task. If you follow God’s plan, He will help you educate your child for eternity.

If you need help in this area, do not hesitate to contact me at 4076180212. Similarly, if you have any comments or questions on this topic, you can write them in the comments section below.

How to avoid financial infidelity

Let’s see some examples of financial infidelity. Santiago and Mary are the typical couple who fight tirelessly to achieve the American Dream. Santiago works in the banking industry and Mary works as a high school teacher. They have been married for more than 10 years. But even though they have steady jobs, they have serious financial problems. These problems have grown over the years. Now they find themselves on the verge of separation because trust and respect have been lost.

Mary alleges that Santiago never shows her the status of their finances. And he always tells her that there is no more money left. Santiago controls what spends and what does not spend at home. He gives Mary a monthly amount of money for her personal expenses. But, other than that, Mary does not have access to more money. She feels that her husband is hiding the family’s financial status from her.

However, Santiago confessed in therapy that he has a money issue. He spends the money buying unnecessary electronics without telling his wife, and justifies it by saying that he needs them to be able to work. But the most serious problem is that Santiago, secretly, sends money to his relatives in his home country so that they can build a house. Mary never knew about this expense. Santiago said he does not know how his wife will react to this and that he feels obliged to help his family. So, he came seeking professional help, so he can tell his wife what he has been doing for years.

Financial infidelity is very common

This is a typical problem in many marriages today, financial infidelity. This consists of spending money, owning credit cards or loans, having secret accounts or money deposits, borrowing money, or incurring debt without the spouse or partner knowing it. Financial infidelity in a relationship can include any financial decision made by one of the spouses that may affect, overload, strain, or delay the financial planning in the relationship, as we see in Mary and Santiago’s case.

The most serious problem with this situation is that it results in a loss of intimacy and trust in the relationship. The rate of financial infidelity has been increasing over the years, as a study in 2005 showed that 30 percent of respondents had lied about financial information and 25 percent had withheld information, while a 2008 study showed that half of the people who completed the survey had committed some kind of financial infidelity.

Why does financial infidelity happen?

Many people blame this growing crisis of financial infidelity on the rise of social media for setting unrealistic lifestyle expectations. According to a recent study by the Nonfiction Research Company, 28 percent of 18-24-year-olds admit to posting photos. These photos on Instagram make them look like they have more money than they actually have.

While some people rely on photos prepared cleverly to keep up with the Joneses. Others may actually be immersed in debts or go bankrupt in order to maintain an image or to keep their pride afloat.

This type of expenditure, called compulsive spending, tends to manifest itself in a person’s 40s. And, even though not everyone is a compulsive spender, most Americans are in debt. Even if it has not affected their quality of life yet. According to data from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, total debt balances have increased in recent years for every US age group.

How harmful is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity has the potential to be as damaging to the health and longevity of the relationship as sexual infidelity. It is because conflicts over money are also a main reason for divorce. Given the role that finances play in the health of relationships, consumers benefit from being aware of financial infidelity and its consequences.

How to prevent financial infidelity

Be transparent about household finances. There is no magic formula. It is not easy to overcome the fear, guilt, and anxiety that goes with being completely transparent about your expenses. A key to developing this habit is to impose a rule on yourself: frequent and open communication, without exception. Especially if only one member of the family retains control over the household finances.

Develop an action plan

Research suggests that the best way to avoid surprises is to establish a well-defined plan and stick to it. Couples who pay their bills in a less structured way are more likely than those who had a more established budget. They plan to keep a financial secret from their partner. It is important to establish a family budget. It must consider not only regular expenses like mortgage or rent and utilities, but also long-term goals and emergencies.

Have only one bank account

Some financial experts suggest keeping only one shared account. But others recommend each spouse keep a separate account for the little things they want for themselves. I believe that a single shared account will prevent financial infidelity. If there is a fund in the budget meant for one half of the couple. Then that specific amount can be placed in a personal account.

If you are experiencing financial infidelity in your life, maybe it is time to seek professional help. Do not let finances destroy your relationship. Find the courage to confront your problem and heal your relationship.

Infertility and loss: What can the couple do?

It had been Mary’s dream to be a mother. She never considered the infertility for her. For her, being a woman was about having the opportunity to procreate and build a family with several children. Now, married to Peter, it was time to make every woman’s innate desire come true. But months after the wedding, nothing had happened. Then, after six months, they increased sexual intimacy, trying to have greater opportunities to conceive, but nothing happened.

Then, after a year, Mary and Peter began to wonder what was happening. Where was the problem? They went to their family doctor, who referred them to a specialist. After several tests, the beautiful couple, “You will not be able to have children through natural means.”

The emotional pain that overwhelmed Mary and Peter was indescribable. They both felt low self-esteem and had feelings of inferiority, low self-confidence, and low self-love. Besides, they felt ashamed and incomplete. They felt they were not enough. They even began to question their ability to parent and maintain their relationship. It was at this point that they decided to seek professional help.

Infertility is a real thing that causes a lot of pain

In the United States, 15 percent of couples will have fertility problems (UCLA Health, 2020). The World Health Organization (WHO, 1993) presents infertility as the inability to conceive after a year of regular unprotected sexual relations. As Mary and Peter’s story reveals, when a couple of experiences this, they feel in shock, frustrated, and there are extensive psychological effects.

The shock comes from being in a situation the couple never imagined. In addition, this shock is the result of false beliefs rooted in our culture that say that “procreation is a voluntary process,” that any person can achieve just by having frequent coital interactions. So, when this fails, the couple tends to question their identity and both members of the couple feel inferior as a man and a woman.

Infertility produces frustration, partly because the couple has to change the life plan they had outlined. For Mary and Peter, their life project was parenthood at a young age, so they could dedicate the best years of their own lives to their children. They saw parenthood as a culmination of their personal development, having children when reaching personal and professional maturity.

All of this produces great emotional pain as a loss is experienced. All losses bring sadness, anguish, pain, and often trauma. These adverse circumstances force the couple to rethink their life plan and make important decisions regarding that plan: to keep trying with their means, to decide not to have children, to try assisted reproduction, or to adopt or foster a child.

How a couple experiences infertility

When a couple with infertility problems comes seeking marital therapy, we help them process this experience by approaching it as a grieving process. Syme described infertility as a loss from an emotional and psychological point of view. The couple experiences this loss in different phases:

The first phase, when the pregnancy does not occur when it supposes to.
The second one when infertility treatment cycles begin and are unsuccessful, and finally, when an eventual pregnancy culminates in a miscarriage.

These stages of grief do not necessarily occur in order, and each person might experience them in different ways. In the Paralysis stage, the individual acts “like a zombie” or like being “in a trance,” very distant from others. There is denial, the person cannot believe what happened is real and he/she says to himself/herself, “someone made a mistake.” There may be physical manifestations, such as periods of depression, loss of appetite, and poor concentration.

Yearning stage

In the yearning stage, the individual has a great need to fulfill the desire to be a parent, so, when it does not happen, it becomes more fervent every day. Everything reinforces when the person exposes to promotional materials or items for newborns. Close friends and family do not help at this stage because they tend to ask the couple if they are doing things right. They tend to not consider the pain experienced by those with infertility.

Second stage

The longest stage is Disorganization and Despair. This stage characterizes by feeling guilty. We have seen how many patients think their infertility is a punishment. One given from God for sins committed when they were young. They feel a lack of control, anxiety, loneliness, grief, hopelessness, and couples withdraw from their friends because of the stigmas surrounding infertility.

The Reorganization stage is the one in which the individual accepts and reorganizes his/her personal life. In this stage, he all considers a new Life Project. This period can take years, or sadly, for many people, it never happens because they give up accepting their fate. Many people experience such deep emotional damage that they think no one can help them and that there is nothing anyone can do to alleviate their suffering.

You may wonder what can I do if I’m going through the same thing as Mary and Peter. What can I do to help someone in a situation like the one we discussed? Remember, if at a given time you need professional help, do not hesitate. Call 407-618-0212, or write to us at efrain.duany@floridaconference.com

4 negative styles of communication in marriage

Lack of communication in marriage: “You never pay attention. You always do what you want. You do not respect the budget we have agreed upon. I do not understand why you bought that TV for the room. We do not need it, that expense is not in the budget. You are useless. You are a fool and inconsiderate. I am tired of you always doing whatever you want and not consulting with me.”

“Oh, my love, forgive me. I will not do it again. You know that I love you and I live for you. Do not be angry with me. I will do whatever you tell me to do. In fact, if you want, I will go to the store tomorrow and return the TV, as long as you are okay and do not get mad at me. It makes me sad to see you like that.”

“You are always telling me that you are not going to do it again, and you end up doing it anyway. Could it be that you do not understand your behavior? How long do I have to put up with these packages of yours?”

Communication in marriage is key

Communication is key in all relationships, but especially in marriages. Many studies confirm that a marriage’s success is in communication. Efficient communication is not something innate in human beings, but something that is developed over the years. Several factors influence how you communicate. Besides, it is affected by the way you were raised, the emotional dynamics you experienced in your family, your attachment style, and the emotional experiences you have lived. These factors can determine whether you have positive communication or negative communication.

Virginia Satir, one of the pioneers of family therapy, emphasized the importance of communication in the family as a way to develop healthy relationships. Families that are not healthy and do not nurture themselves are families in which communication is indirect, vague, dishonest, incomplete, and unclear. This negative communication leads to low self-esteem, which results in maladaptive responses, especially when the couple is experiencing high levels of stress. For Satir, a healthy marriage is built on clear, complete, and consistent communication, in which there are clear roles to lead family processes.

Virginia Satir presents four styles of dysfunctional communication that often appear in marriages when they are under stress. These are: The Accuser, the Appeaser, The Super Reasoner, and the Irrelevant. On the other hand, she advocates the development of a functional style or form of communication.

The Accuser in the communication in marriage

The Accusing style is the one used by the wife at the beginning of this article. All that wife does is spout accusations of what he did or did not do. She hides her feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability by trying to control her husband, expressing her disagreement over his actions. The accusing style is continually looking for flaws, criticizing, and name-calling. It is as if the accuser does not feel good unless they are making the other family member feel inferior. This style presents the accuser as superior.

The Appeaser

Thus, the husband in the story is using the appeasing style. This husband hides his feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability by trying to appease, please, and satisfy his wife’s demands. He does this not because he is actually sorry, but because it is the strategy he has unconsciously developed in order to survive stressful times in his relationships.

In this style, the person apologizes so that he/she pleases the other person at the cost of their own emotional needs. Deep down, in this style, the person tries to avoid rejection and seeks acceptance through approval.

Super Reasoner

With this style, the person uses the rationalization defense mechanism when she/he tries to anesthetize herself/himself and disconnects from her/his true feelings. Her/his communication exists on an intellectual or rational level, preventing the emotions from interfering with the process.

Likewise, this style of negative communication always seeks to be correct, seeks perfection, and runs away from spontaneity. People who use this style externalize their experiences and repress their feelings about the problem they are facing in their relationship.

Irrelevant

On the other hand, someone who uses this style handles stressful moments in relationships by pretending that he/she is not there. The person who uses this style feels that she/he is not loved by the family and has no sense of belonging. This person will do everything in his/her power to refocus the communication.

She/he will do it towards something else, something unrelated to the stressful situation she/he experiences and to her/his own feelings. Someone using this style will make irrelevant comments. Comments that have nothing to do with what is being said or asked when communicating.

A good style of communication in marriage

Therefore, as you can see, the communication style you use has a powerful impact on your relationships. Especially on your marital and family relationships. Besides, your communication style will determine the level of acceptance and success you will have in building healthy relationships.

In the next post, I will talk about the functional style. We also talk about how you can improve your communication style if you are using one of the dysfunctional ones mentioned in this post.

3 ways to prevent child abuse

Stories of child abuse can be seen everywhere. Someone told me that her mom left her with a neighbor and despite her begging not to be left there, her mom did anyway and she was sexually abused by her neighbor. The neighbor told her he would kill her if she told her mother. She spent 10 years living with that trauma until one day, she decided to share her secret with her mom. Sadly, as she said it with tears in her eyes, her mom didn’t show any remorse at all. Her abuser died three months after she was raped.

Stories like this one are found everywhere. The US has one of the worst records among industrialized nations, losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect. A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds. However, what concerns me the most is that sometimes the abuser tries to use the church as a haven to continue with this depraved behavior. Abuse is found in churches too.

In this post, I would like to talk to parents about three little-known ways to prevent child abuse. Our children will not know about child abuse unless they are taught. For this reason, parents need to make home a safe place for their children. Parents must create an atmosphere of trust and security where they can talk openly about difficult, but age-appropriate topics. After creating an atmosphere at home where the child feels safe and secure, you need to teach your children to say NO to inappropriate touching, bad secrets, and strangers.

Say NO to inappropriate touching

Parents need to teach their children the following: “my body is mine and no one should touch it without my permission”. Our children need to know from an early age which parts of their body are private and the importance of saying NO when someone tries to touch them. Teach your child to report any touching that feels uncomfortable or wrong, even if it is by a family member, teacher, coach, pastor, or church official.

Say NO to bad secrets

Explain to your child that there are good and bad secrets. The good secrets come from things that you love and wish to receive, such as gifts, surprises, etc. The bad secrets are the unpleasant ones. If someone touches your body in secret, without your authorization, it is a bad secret and needs to be reported immediately. Child abuse data show that the majority of children keep their abuse a secret. As a parent, you need to keep the line of communication open with your children. So they can come to you with difficult subjects, such as abuse.

Say NO to strangers

Even though the vast majority of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, you still need to teach your child not to talk or have any contact with strangers. The devil is looking for an opportunity to destroy our children.

These three pieces of advice could help your child stay away from abuse. But keep in mind that there are other forms of abuse, such as being exposed to sexual acts or sexually explicit materials not intended for minors, as well as indecent exposure. Encourage your child to talk to designated safe adults any time they feel unsafe.

Get the child professional help right away

The best thing you can do for a child who has been abused is to get professional help right away. Psalm 127:3 says that children are a heritage from the Lord. We are responsible before the Lord for our children. Let’s protect them from the evil one by providing a safe place at home where they could feel secure.

Let’s teach them to say NO to inappropriate touching, bad secrets, and strangers. If you have any questions about this topic, feel free to write to me.

May God bless you. And remember: A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22).

Show empathy and service in your ministry

Besides practicing self-awareness and the ministry of presence by listening attentively to others to minister to them, regardless of our broken identity, We can show empathy. In other words, we can put ourselves in their position and at their service. If you apply these two aspects, you will be able to reach a level of empathy and service that will reflect Jesus’ love and ministry.

People around you will be able to know Him through you as a pastor and will be able to find in Him the refuge they need. How can you accomplish this? Below, you will find two recommendations that will help you in your ministry.

I feel what you feel

When you give the gift of your presence to those who suffer, you are practicing empathy. You feel what they feel, you put yourself in their shoes, and you give them a friendly space, where they can feel free to come and go, be as near and far as they need to be, rest and play, talk and be silent, eat and fast without being criticized and judged.

The paradox is that practicing empathy requires the creation of a space, where people who are hurting can find their human pain. The ministry of presence through empathy removes the delusion that you are superior to the one who is right next to you and that you have the power to heal it.

Your presence is healing through empathy because it not only removes loneliness and pain from others, it invites them to acknowledge their loneliness on a level where it can be shared with others who suffer like them.

Pastors try to relieve pain

Pastors are not doctors, whose main job is to relieve pain. Rather, they deepen the pain to a level where it can be shared. When people turn to pastors with their problems, they can only hope for their pain to be understood and felt in a way that they no longer have to run away from it but can accept it as an expression of their humanity.

When a wife suffers the loss of her husband, we are not asked to comfort her by telling her that God knows what is doing. We are challenged to help her realize that her husband’s death reveals his human condition, the same human condition that the pastor has and that others share with her. When we acknowledge our pain and humanity, we begin to heal because we see our hope in Jesus, and this brings a new vision.

I want to serve you

When you practice the ministry of presence, you are saying to those who suffer, “I want to serve you.” You become Jesus’ hands, feet, and eyes. He was there to serve, and to provide help and compassion for those in need. You do not need to do great things to allow yourself to be used by Jesus.

Your presence is the best gift

Your presence is the best gift you can give when someone has a broken identity. Certainly, the gift of your presence allows people with mental illnesses to feel safe and welcome. This is where you provide a safe space, without prejudice or anxiety, that leads to community. In this space, grace abounds. Grace is acceptance without prejudice.

The pastors who extend the ministry of presence can also receive grace in this symbiotic relationship. Grace nurtures relationships and unites open and vulnerable people. This may be a new concept for some of us. However, putting judgment aside is to welcome people with grace. This is where the gospel of Christ comes to life and transforms lives.

Imagination is key to empathy

Can you imagine if today you got up and started giving your presence to care for the wounds that a broken identity produces?

Can you imagine the impact you would have on your family if you gave them your presence? They will stop seeing you as a hypocritical person who is one way outside on the street, and another inside at home.

Can you imagine what would happen if you gave your presence and made yourself vulnerable by accepting the reality that you have as many wounds as those who are around you?

Can you imagine the change that would happen in your life if you stopped projecting your limitations onto other people and looked at yourself and accepted the wounds you have?

The perfect pastor doesn’t exist

God is not looking for a perfect pastor, without problems, wounds, and traumas. God wants you to be a pastor who recognizes his limitations, his wounds, and sets his mind on healing and helping others heal their wounds. Your presence is more powerful than you imagine.

God sends you so that regardless of your perhaps broken identity, your presence can bring hope to those who are suffering just like you are.

People need to find that refuge and peace that only God can give. They need to know God’s love, to feel that support and comfort that as God’s ministers we can give them.

It is not easy to face the changes of the current world without Jesus’ guidance in our lives. His ministry was one of love, perfect and sublime. We as pastors can learn how to face our changes and our own broken identities so that we can give others the support they desperately need in this troubled world.

Do you know any other way through which we can deal with a broken identity? Do you feel that these recommendations are difficult to apply? Please, share your experience with us in the comments section. God bless you.

If you need professional help, you can call us at 407 618 0222 or write to us at Efrain.duany@floridaconference.com

Self-awareness and your ministry

We have read how carrying out a ministry has become a challenge for pastors today. Let’s see how to show self-awareness in your ministry. Social networks, conflicts, the COVID-19 crisis, and the effects it has produced on a social, psychological, and emotional level, among others, have left pastors facing unprecedented challenges, both in their inner world and the world of those they minister. The question then is, how do you minister with a broken identity? How can you help others when you, as a pastor, are facing your own struggles in life? How can you give others the support they need that you feel you cannot give? I will show you how you can do it.

Practice self-awareness

This is an indispensable discipline. There can be no change in your life without self-knowledge. This requires seeing ourselves clearlclearly, being aware of our thoughts, and our emotions, being aware of how our pain leads us to see ourselves and others in dysfunctional ways, and how that impacts us.

Saint Augustine said: How can you get closer to God when you are so far from yourself? And he prayed, “Lord, let me know myself so that I can know you.”

Your healing and freedom begin with self-awareness

Carl Jung said the following: “When you make the unconscious conscious, you can choose.” We cannot change something we are not aware of.

Let me explain the idea: the mind has two dimensions. Three, according to Freud, but I will only talk about the two most important of them, the conscious and the unconscious. The conscious is what I have in my mind at the moment, the short-term memory. In the unconscious, I store all the positive and negative experiences, traumas, sad memories, and long-term memory. But, they are not on a conscious level.

Most interesting of all is that 95 percent of my daily decisions come from my unconscious. My unconscious directs my life, not my conscious. I am being driven by the mindsets, life scripts, and core beliefs that I have developed throughout my life and stored in my unconscious.

Why you need to practice self-awareness

That is why we end up doing the things we do not want to do, as many times we are directed by the interpretations that we have unconsciously given to the experiences we have had in our lives. If those experiences have not been processed properly, they have the potential to lead us to repeat patterns of thoughts and behaviors that will influence our future positively or negatively.

But there is more to it. You need to practice self-awareness because your emotional stability is at the mercy of your ancestors, according to William Matta. Your ancestors’ emotional dynamics and maladaptive or positive behaviors are transmitted from generation to generation, and, today, you are not just the result of your decisions, but also the result of the influence those previous generations had on you. Your ending was written at your beginning. If you do not want your future to be determined by your ancestors, you need to rewrite your history. Only then can you write the last chapter of your life.

Self-knowledge comes with vulnerability

You cannot achieve self-knowledge if you do not make yourself vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable refers to a psychological state in which we are aware of an emotional wound that we feel we cannot overcome. Vulnerability is the step you take toward uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

While Adam and Eve hid their shame behind fig leaves, they did not experience healing. The change in the lives of our first parents began when they acknowledged the pain in their histories and made themselves vulnerable, coming out of hiding to make themselves vulnerable and receive help. How can you achieve this? Be brave and ask for what you need. You have to be willing to expose your feelings. Be transparent with yourself and with those around you. Accept yourself the way you are. Accept the things that make you human. If your problem is preventing you from functioning in your home or ministry, maybe it is time to seek professional help.

How can I practice self-awareness?

By keeping an emotional journal. An emotional journal is a therapeutic tool that allows you to talk to yourself and discover the areas in your life that need to be processed. Another thing you can do is sit down with someone you trust and ask him/her to tell you the things he/she thinks you should grow in your life. And you must tell him/her that you will not get upset, that you will accept everything he/she tells you. People who are next to you know things about you that you do not know about yourself, and you need their help to discover them.

Prepare a genogram of your family. This will also help.

Everything mentioned above will help you care for your emotional wounds and will thus be able to restore your identity.

Practice the ministry of presence

The best gift you can give to those who suffer and are around you is your presence, said Thich Nhat Hanh. That was the ministry Jesus carried. He was with those who suffered, with the sinners, the miserable, and those who were mourning. His presence was more effective than any miracle He could have performed. Jesus’ presence brought security, hope, and refuge.

When you allow those who suffer to experience your presence, you are telling them these three things:

I listen to you actively

Listening is an art that is developed. Some people pay for therapy, seeking someone to listen to them. When you practice the ministry of presence and listen to the person suffering, you are setting aside a space in your time, mind, and physical space to say to that person, “I am present before your pain.”

But this is often a difficult task because we are so absorbed in our pain and the demands of our ministry that we think we do not have time for anything else, and we simply drift with the currents of discouragement and exhaustion. This causes us to lose sight of our identity and, as a result, the people who are by our side looking for a helping hand suffer in silence, as they do not want to be intrusive and invade our private space.

Why listen actively

When we listen actively, we withdraw and get away from what is important to us, giving others the gift of our presence. We create the space for others to be themselves and to come to us on their terms.

James Hillman, director of studies at the C. G. Jung Institute in Zurich, wrote this about counseling:

“For the other person to open up and speak, the counselor needs to reach that person. I must withdraw to make room for the other. . .”

This withdrawal, rather than meeting the other, is an intense act of self-knowledge. The space that I offer the person who is hurting with my presence allows him/her to grow.

Do you think these techniques are easily applicable? Do you think that they are challenging for you? Or even do you feel that your ministry could be carried out regardless of your broken identity if you follow these recommendations? Please, share your opinion in the comments section of this post, so we can enrich our experience together. God bless you.

If you need professional help, you can call us at 407 618 0222 or write to us at Efrain.duany@floridaconference.com

Believe! You can rewrite your life story

As pastors, we sometimes see the necessity that you try to rewrite your life story. We face a reality that is not easy to approach, a reality that has become more complex, with unprecedented technological and social components that add more pressure, more scenarios, and more ideologies. All these elements, relatively new, represent challenges for the pastor. Challenges that defy him to minister under of his own struggles to survive in these adverse times.

Why to rewrite your life story

The question in the midst of a crisis like the one we are facing is “How do I survive? Get up? How do I fulfill the call that God has made to us? How do I rescue my family and help my church when I am as broken as they are?” We all have history, a sad one. We are all wounded. Furthermore, we all have emotional, physical, or spiritual wounds.

I like the question that Henri Nouwen asks in his book The Wounded Healer. The main question is not How can we hide our wounds for the fear of being ashamed? But How can we put our wounds at the service of others?

My parishioners cannot know my story of pain and shame because I am going to lose influence on them. My conference leaders cannot know that I have mental health problems, that I am depressed, anxious, and have panic attacks. I have to hide my history, my injuries.”

Rewrite your life story – A new concept

Today, I challenge that concept and want to present something revolutionary. I can rewrite my history of shame. My history of wounds, trauma, exhaustion, and mental health problems does not need to be hidden. My history does not have to continue to be a history of shame. Jesus died on the cross so that the factor that caused me shame can be used by God as a source of healing for those around me.

Jesus is the healer of human wounds sent by God: by his wounds, we are healed. His suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory, the rejection he suffered brought a community of love and grace. As followers of Jesus, we can also allow our wounds to be a source of healing for others.

The same way the Father sent Jesus with a mission that through His wounds, others could receive healing, Jesus sends us, as John 20:21 says, so that through our wounds, others can come out of the shame produced by their histories, their wounds, and may achieve healing.

A lengend with a teaching lesson

I found an old legend in the Talmud that can help us understand this concept:

Rabbi Yoshua ben Levi met the prophet Elijah while he was standing at the entrance to Rabbi Simeron ben Yohai’s cave. . . He asked Elijah, “When will the Messiah come?” Elijah replied, “Go and ask him yourself.” “Where is He?, “Sitting at the gates of the city.” “How am I going to recognize Him?” “He is sitting among the poor, covered in wounds.

The poor who are next to him untie all their wounds at the same time and then bandage them again. But He unties them one by one and bandages them one by one again, saying: ‘Perhaps someone needs me, and if it happens so, I must always be ready not to be late not even for one minute to help others to bandage their wounds.”

The Messiah, the old legend tells us, is sitting among the poor, bandaging wounds one at a time, always ready for the moment when He can be called to serve. The same happen to us.

God has sent us to work on our wounds first, with a broken identity, and to then help others bandage their wounds.

What is the process for bandaging my wounds and getting ready to help others bandage theirs? I ask because you cannot help others heal their wounds if you have not worked on your personal wounds first.

Rediscover your identity

First, it is necessary to rediscover your identity because, as a result of the trauma and exhaustion experienced by the COVID-19 pandemic, it is likely that our vision of who we really are and what we have been created for has been clouded. Perhaps your wounds and your broken identity do not let you see the wounds of those around you. Therefore, you need to rediscover your identity and ask yourself, “What is my reason for existence?” The answer to this existential question defines the course of your life.

Your identity is not in what you do, what you possess, or your popularity. Those are broken false identities that Satan wants you to assimilate. Your identity is in who you are, not in what you do. You are a human being, created in the image of God to receive and give love. That is your identity. It is that simple. It is not complex. Your identity must be based on the love that God feels for you.

When you understand this reality, you are completely free. Free from the pressure of having to prove that you are good and have something to offer in order to be accepted by the leaders of the conference or your church, free from the pressure of proving that you have something of value according to others, free from the pressure of wanting to impress in order to be accepted by others. You are free to live in the love of God.

When you understand your personal identity, you will understand your professional and social identities too. The Bible uses different images to describe your professional identity. You are a shepherd of sheep, you are a priest, a prophet, a minister of the Most High. What greater responsibility is there than that?

How do you rediscover your identity?

You need to slow down your life and focus on connecting to Jesus, the source of life and power. You need to develop a structure in your life where the most important thing for you is to live connected to God. In order to achieve this, we need to set clear limits so that the church and the pressures of life do not occupy the space that belongs to God in our lives. Something more practical is to take time to rest and be in solitude.

I am not talking about the spiritual rest on Saturday, that day is the one when we work the most. I am talking about choosing another day of the week to rest and recharge your emotional, physical, and spiritual batteries. It is the structure established by God. He worked six days and then he rested. He gave us the day to work and the night to rest. But we believe that the more we work, the more we achieve. If you are still immersed in that trap of Satan, your identity is revolving around your achievements and popularity.

Do you want to know what you can do in order to minister even if you have broken identity? Do you want to know the ways you can give others the support, care, compassion, understanding, and comfort God has put in your hands to provide through your ministry, in such a way that you can mirror Christ’s character and ministry? I invite you to read our next posts to learn what you can do to minister regardless of your broken identity. God bless you.

If you need professional help, you can call us at 407 618 0222 or write to Efrain.duany@floridaconference.com

How can you lead with a broken pastoral identity?

It is important to preserve a pastoral identity. Amid a crisis like the one we are currently facing, how do we survive? Get up? How do we fulfill the call that God has made to us? How do I rescue my family and help my church when I am as broken as they are?

We all have history, a sad one, we are all wounded. We have emotional, physical, or spiritual wounds.

I like the question that Henri Nouwen asks in his book “The Wounded Healer.” The main question is not “How can we hide our wounds for the fear of being ashamed?” But “How can we put our wounds at the service of others?”

This is the opposite of everything we have been taught in the seminary. We have been trained to hide our wounds, which brings us shame. And we have been encouraged to present ourselves as infallible beings who are above the pain of those we serve. We say, “my family cannot know I suffer because I have to be strong for them. My parishioners cannot know my story of pain and shame because I am going to lose influence on them. My conference leaders cannot know that I have mental health problems, that I am depressed, anxious, and have panic attacks. I have to hide my history, my injuries.”

A new concept to keep a pastoral identity

Today, I challenge that concept and present something revolutionary. I can rewrite my history of shame. My history of wounds, trauma, exhaustion and mental health problems does not need to be hidden. My history does not have to continue to be a history of shame. Jesus died on the cross so that what has caused me shame can be used by God as a source of healing for those around me.

Jesus is the healer of human wounds sent by God: by his wounds, we are healed. His suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation was brought to glory. The rejection he suffered brought a community of love and grace. As followers of Jesus, we can also allow our wounds to be a source of healing for others.

The same way the Father sent Jesus with a mission that through His wounds, others can receive healing, Jesus sends us, as John 20:21 says, so that through our wounds, others can come out of the shame produced by their histories, their wounds, and may achieve healing.

A teaching from an old legend

I found an old legend in the Talmud that can help us understand this concept:

Rabbi Yoshua ben Levi met the prophet Elijah while he was standing at the entrance to Rabbi Simeon ben Yohai’s cave. . . He asked Elijah, “When will the Messiah come?” Elijah replied, “Go and ask him yourself.” “Where is He?” “Sitting at the gates of the city.” “How am I going to recognize Him?” “He is sitting among the poor, covered in wounds.

The poor who are next to him untie all their wounds at the same time and then bandage them again. But He unties them one by one and bandages them one by one again, saying, ‘Perhaps someone needs me, and if it happens so, I must always be ready not to be late not even for one minute to help others to bandage their wounds.”

The Messiah, the old legend tells us, is sitting among the poor, bandaging their wounds one at a time, always ready for the moment when He can be called to serve. The same happens with us.

God has sent us to work on our wounds first, with a broken identity, and then to help others bandage their wounds.

What is the process to bandage my wounds and be ready to help others bandage theirs? I ask because you cannot help others heal their wounds if you have not worked on your wounds first.

Rediscover your pastoral identity

First, it is necessary to rediscover your identity because, as a result of the trauma and exhaustion brought on by the COVID-19 crisis, it is likely that our vision of who we are and what we have created has been clouded. Perhaps your wounds and your broken identity do not let you see the wounds of those around you. Therefore, you need to rediscover your identity and ask yourself, “What is my reason for existence?” The answer to this existential question defines the course of your life.

Your pastoral identity is not in what you do, what you possess, or your popularity. Those are broken false identities that Satan wants you to assimilate. Your pastoral identity is in who you are, not in what you do. You are a human being, created in the image of God to receive and give love. That is your pastoral identity. It is that simple. It is not complex. Your identity must be based on the love that God feels for you.

When you understand this reality, you are completely free. Free from the pressure of having to prove that you are good and have something to offer in order to be accepted by the leaders of the conference or your church, free from the pressure of proving that you have something of value according to others, free from the pressure of wanting to impress to be accepted by others. You are free to live in the love of God.

When you understand your identity, you will understand your professional and social identities too. Keep in mind, that the Bible uses different images to describe your professional identity: You are a shepherd of sheep, you are a priest, a prophet, a minister of the Highest. What greater responsibility is there than that?

How do you rediscover your pastoral identity?

You just need to slow down your life and focus on connecting to Jesus, the source of life and power. You need to develop a structure in your life, where the most important thing for you is to live connected to God. To achieve this, we need to set clear limits so that the church and the pressures of life do not occupy the space that belongs to God in our lives. A more practical solution is to take time to rest and be in solitude.

I am not talking about the spiritual rest on Saturday because that day is the one when we work the most. I am talking about choosing another day of the week to rest and recharge your emotional, physical, and spiritual batteries. It is the structure established by God. He worked six days and then he rested. He gave us a day to work and a night to rest. But we believe that the more we work, the more we achieve. If you are still immersed in that trap of Satan, your identity revolves around your achievements and popularity.

The impact of stress on our identity

In 2019, the World Health Organization reported that one in five people experiencing conflict or crisis will have depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. It is very likely that these statistics increase throughout the COVID-19 crisis.

Pastors are experiencing a great amount of stress and exhaustion, and some of them are even leaving the ministry. Pastoral identity is part of the problem.

What statistics show about the stress in pastors

The struggle to clarify one’s identity creates stress that has very real consequences for the pastors’ health and the churches they serve. For example:

75% of pastors report being “extremely stressed” or “very stressed” (1)
90% of them work between 55 and 75 hours per week (2)
90% feel fatigued and exhausted every week (1)
70% say they are underpaid (2)
40% report having a serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month (1)
91% have experienced some kind of burnout in their ministry and 18% say they are “fried right now” (7)

According to the Mayo Clinic, job burnout is a special type of work-related stress, a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that also involves a sense of reduced achievement and loss of personal identity.

Burnout, a special type of work-related stress

This burnout occurs when the results you get do not meet your expectations for an extended period of time. If you think burnout is a sign of weakness, think again. The symptoms of fatigue, being overwhelmed, insomnia, irritability, anxiety, sadness, and depression are simply the fire alarms. They activate in your body to tell you to turn them off before you burn. To understand this problem, it is necessary to understand how stress works.

Stress is the body’s way of dealing with events that change or threaten to change the world around us.

Robert M. Sapolsky, in his book “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” describes it like this: “A stressor is anything in the outside world that hits and affects homeostatic balance, and the response to that stress is what the body does in order to restore homeostasis”[1].

Sapolsky uses the example of a zebra on the African plains. If the zebra thinks it hears, sees, or smells a lion, a stress response is triggered, sending it into fight or flight mode.

The first thing the zebra’s body does is mobilize the bodily functions it needs in order to survive. This happens when the hypothalamus in the brain sends chemicals through the body to respond to the stressor, and hormones are released into the bloodstream.

Blood pressure increases so that if the zebra has to run, the body is ready. The body’s energy reserves are opened, so the zebra can keep running. At the same time, there is an “additional storage inhibition” of new energy. In other words, the body stops doing anything that uses a lot of energy so that all energy is available to escape.

The same process takes place when a pastor feels stress

This may be due to having a lot of work, conflicts with a leader, a situation that he does not know how to handle, or a broken family relationship. But the interesting thing about all this is that the pastor’s brain makes no distinction between the false factors that produce stress or the real ones, like the lions that will eat the zebra.

People can feel stress by two types of lions: external and internal. External stressors are things that are out of the person’s control. These include: a new job, health problems, pain, tense relationships, uncertainty about the future, a person harassing or attacking them, or even, of course, real lions. It can also include another person’s stress because humans, like zebras, pick up on and react to the stress of others.

Internal stressors, on the other hand, come from within the person’s thoughts or actions. These could include destructive personality traits, undisciplined thoughts and concerns, suspicions, unhealthy eating and exercise habits, the inability to say “no,” a need to make other people like you, or perfectionism.

Stress and exhaustion

If stress is hyper-attention and a response to stressors in a person’s life, then exhaustion is the opposite effect. Exhaustion is when the body and mind can no longer respond to stressors. A person’s emotions and stress responses turns off. Exhaustion is often described in the literature because of its differences compared to stress.

Researcher Anne Jackson compares both in several ways. If stress is being overly committed, then exhaustion is disconnection.

Stress affects physical energy, while exhaustion affects motivation and drive.[2]

Stress produces a loss of fuel and energy, while exhaustion produces a loss of ideals and hope.

It is this exhaustion that leads the pastor to develop an identity crisis. In this crisis, his identity breaks and his heart wounds until he loses all of his strength. It is this exhaustion that leads you to an existential void and to wonder if it is worth it to keep fighting or to throw in the towel.

Furthermore, it is this exhaustion that leads you to disconnect emotionally from your wife or children and eventually lose them. It leads you to use pornography, to commit adultery, and it leads you to lack of motivation and loss of interest. Physical exhaustion produces an identity crisis in the pastor, resulting in a broken identity.

Symptoms of a broken identity

If you suffer from a broken identity, you might:

Feel distracted and unmotivated
Experience a feeling of disorientation and lack of direction.
Develop a negative perspective of yourself, the world, and your future.
Feel anguish over not knowing what your vital purpose is.
Have a general feeling of dissatisfaction, regardless of how things are going in your life.
Find it difficult to make decisions because you do not know what you really want.
Feel instability or emotional exhaustion, as though you do not know what you want.
Fear the future because you cannot see it clearly.
Feel unable to face changes that are occurring in your life.

If you have these symptoms, it is time for you to stop for a bit and perhaps seek professional help. If you need to talk to a professional in these areas, you can call 407 618 0212

[1] Robert M. Sapolsky, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress- Related Diseases, and Coping (New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2004), 6. Italics in original.

[2] Anne Jackson, Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2009), 95.