Main causes for Infidelity in Marriage

Infidelity is one of the most difficult situations a couple can face. And, if not addressed in a healthy way, it can leave deep wounds in the relationship. Now, what does infidelity imply? and why does it happen?

Everyone may have their own beliefs about this topic. However, I want to share with you the most common causes why infidelity takes place in relationships.

What does infidelity involve and why does it happen?

Generally, the affectionate and/or sentimental union of one of the spouses with a third party has been considered infidelity in marriage. And, in this experience there may or may not be sexual involvement.

For infidelity, there are many possible implications and causes. Well, each individual has his/her own concept of loyalty, fidelity and expectations of a relationship.

So, based on these beliefs, a person can normalize and justify certain actions because he does not consider them infidelity. Each relationship is unique and there are different “motivations” behind an infidelity.

Causes of infidelity

Below, I share the causes commonly expressed by couples and that I have addressed in therapy:

Dissatisfaction with yourself or your partner

Dissatisfaction directs people to want “more” and to look outside for what they don’t get within their relationship. What you are looking for outside can be physical or emotional pleasure motivated by a need for attention, recognition, companionship, different experiences, among others. Dissatisfaction does not make a person unfaithful; what the person does with it is their own choice.

Social pressure

Infidelity in marriage sometimes arises as a desire to be fashionable or to accept the incessant invitation of close people. Even when attracted to media advertising and social events that, currently, normalize deception and infidelity.

Desire for revenge

It occurs when the one who has been deceived or hurt in some way decides to take revenge or hurt the spouse by being unfaithful. This reason is not often admitted, though it is described in some couples.

Feeling of personal insecurity

It can occur if the person does not feel good about himself and is perceived as unattractive, less intelligent, among others. Infidelity serves as a form of personal reaffirmation and generates the satisfaction of being able to conquer someone else.

Pattern of emotional instability

Some people who have lived through childhood trauma or abuse, or who are struggling with anxiety, depression or an addiction, may be more vulnerable to looking for an escape from emotional pain in risky ways. This is not true of most people with these experiences, and none of them is an excuse: the choice to be unfaithful remains the responsibility of the person who makes it.

Confusion

Many times, spouses often feel confused, especially after several years of relationship. They feel that “the flame went out” and the desire for their partner decreased. This is a natural process of relationships that is confused with the decay of love and can end in infidelity.

Conviction

Some people do not believe in monogamous relationships, so having a partner does not limit them to having encounters or relationships with third parties.

Factors that can sit behind infidelity

What’s behind personal dissatisfaction, a desire for reaffirmation, personal insecurity, confusion, and the other common causes of infidelity? These factors often overlap, and no single cause explains every case.

Selfishness

In many cases, infidelity involves putting one’s own needs ahead of the well-being of the partner. Unfaithful partners often take into account only their pleasure or need ignoring the pleasure or well-being of their partner.

For example; “I feel dissatisfied, he/she doesn’t fulfill my needs, I need to feel safe, I want something new, I think it’s not so bad.” Each of these expressions satisfies the “I” and justifies infidelity.

The worst part is that, often society feeds these ideas and encourages this kind of “self-love”. In fact, it has been easier to promote “open relationships” than a commitment to address dissatisfaction by improving other aspects of the relationship. Instead, God tells us that love “is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV).

Ignorance

Not knowing oneself or one’s partner well can be one factor behind infidelity. For example; Do you know how to identify your concepts about loyalty and faithfulness? Do you know how your partner interprets them? What are your expectations in the relationship? What satisfies them?

When a couple has clear answers to questions like these they will know to what extent there will be a loyal commitment between them. For each one will know what he can receive and what he must give.

Many men and women do not know what they need or what they expect from the relationship, much less how to communicate it honestly. Hence the lack of strength to face temptation, the need to look for that “something more” that, it is believed, may be in another person.

Understanding why infidelity happens is not the same as excusing it. The person who chooses to be unfaithful is responsible for that choice, and the betrayed partner is not to blame. Finding out about an affair can bring intense pain, anger and despair. If you are having thoughts of ending your life, do not wait: call or text 988. If your partner talks about hurting themselves, call 988 with them, or 911 if there is immediate danger. If you feel unsafe because of your partner’s reaction, put your safety first and talk with a professional. Because infidelity can carry health risks, ask a doctor about testing.

Infidelity without personal filters

As I have said, talking about the implications and causes of infidelity in marriage is subject to personal interpretations. But, subjectivities aside, I invite you to understand the term considering what fidelity implies.

The word fidelity derives from the Latin fidelitas which refers to:

  • The quality of loyalty. That is, the firm and constant practice of respect for the commitment and delivery of well-being to the couple.
  • The practice of truth to sustain trust and security.

Does your concept of fidelity relate to this definition? The important thing is that you can channel your beliefs and decisions in a more comprehensive and healthy way.

What would it take for you and your partner to talk honestly about what fidelity means to each of you?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

7 Secrets of Entrepreneurial Mothers

Are you a mother who wants to start a business? Well, I know some secrets of mom entrepreneurs that can help you to start your business project.

It is common knowledge that being a daughter, wife, mother, neighbor and entrepreneur can be overwhelming. However, many women have managed to overcome and, moreover, show that motherhood was not an obstacle to achieve their goals.

If you are a mother and you are thinking of becoming an entrepreneur, let me tell you these secrets that will be useful for your growth.

Secrets of entrepreneurial mothers that you should know

I have selected 7 secrets of entrepreneurial moms that can guide your entrepreneurship without putting your loved ones on the back burner. They will also help you deal with the feelings of guilt that a mother who decides to become an entrepreneur tends to experience. Below, pay attention to each one of these secrets.

1.   Validate and consolidate your own requirements

In this topic of “women’s liberation” there are still many matters to conquer, but each woman must conquer herself first. It is important that she recognizes that her individual needs are just as important as those of her partner and children.

To become an entrepreneur, you need to be clear about what goals you want to achieve, what areas you would like to explore and what you dream of in your heart. Likewise, you need to visualize your business. If you are already clear, consider:

  • What do you need to achieve it?
  • What is the first step you need to take?
  • Do you deserve to achieve what you dream of?
  • Are you willing to achieve it?

Exercising yourself in this way will strengthen you to work in harmony with the need to lovingly care for your home. The mother who validates, consolidates and satisfies her needs has already started towards her first success: the personal success of self-love.

2.   Investing in growth.

Another of the secrets of entrepreneurial mothers is that they invest what is necessary in their growth. Mothers who have decided to explore the work field invest time and money in:

  • Academic background.
  • Useful tools and resources for your job or business.
  • Personal care and attention.
  • Planning and organizational time.

This has been a difficult step for many of the women I have accompanied. They always tend to prioritize their children’s needs to the exclusion of their own. You will need to commit to yourself!

3.   Planning, organizing and separating moments

Planning, problem solving and decision making are skills that anyone can strengthen with practice.

For the entrepreneurial mother, it is important to organize herself and manage to harmonize the responsibilities of each role. At the beginning it will not be easy, especially if you start from home. However, the secret lies in the following practices:

  • Give the necessary attention to each activity and responsibility, whether individual, family or social.
  • Establish schedules and priorities among the different roles.
  • Schedule commitments and learn as a family to respect each member’s individual and shared activities.
  • Learn to be flexible in planning, especially if children are young or require specific attention.

4.   Exercise patience

Being patient is vital for any entrepreneurship, but for a mother who is an entrepreneur it is even more so. Therefore, it is important to enjoy the small advances and not to be in a hurry to achieve the goals. Especially when starting the project or during the difficult days with the children, the partner or the environment.

Accepting that there will be hard days, that there are limitations and that chaos is not eternal is one of the secrets of entrepreneurial mothers to be patient.

5.   Spend time alone

If there is one resource that mothers really value and have very little of, it is time. Therefore, applying the secret I mentioned before (see #3) is essential to avoid stressful situations that make you less productive in your tasks.

Also, being alone to rest, do physical activity, read, listen to music and/or socialize is time well invested in your schedule. However, I want to emphasize moments for meditation and reflection.

Some research suggests that meditation may help with concentration and well-being.

6.    Build a support network

This is one of the secrets of entrepreneurial mothers that has great relevance. Recognizing that we need the help of others makes it clear that there are certain limitations and that we are not alone in addressing them.

Support can be provided by family members, other women, partners, friends, institutions, collaborators, among others. The need to seek support is palpable even in recognized organizations such as UN Women to strengthen the mission.

Women who set out for success find in God their main support, strength and sustenance (Philippians 4:13: “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” NIV). Moreover, they recognize that He is the one who has provided them with gifts and talents and, therefore, they pray and read the Bible seeking His guidance. If exhaustion, sadness or worry stay for weeks, tell your doctor or a counselor: asking for help is part of caring for your family.

7.   Entrepreneurship with meaning and purpose

The last of the entrepreneurial mother secrets I share has its basis in 1 Corinthians 13.1-3. In this passage we find that the fullness of what we do is to be found in:

  • Enjoying the satisfaction of transcending and developing in community.
  • Putting at the service of others the abilities and talents received from God.
  • Loving through honest and committed service.

Human beings were created in the image and likeness of God, so the spirit of love and service is inherent to their need for fulfillment. Therefore, beyond being a dreamed desire, a successful business is one that has a positive meaning and purpose for everyone.

In fact, when what we do has a purpose, we are more likely to put more effort and provide better service. Consequently, we will have satisfied and happy clients and family members who will continue to support our work.

What is one dream you have been postponing, and what small step could you take toward it this month?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Character Traits of Resilient Children

Are the characteristics of resilient children different from those of other children? In some ways, yes, though every child is different. But we will not focus on comparisons; we will focus on the positive traits of children raised under the precepts of resilience. I will show you some of the competencies and behaviors that distinguish them and make them stand out in any context.

God tells us in the Scriptures “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9, NIV). Children can grow in courage and steadfastness, and this shows in the characteristics I will describe below. Resilience is not a fixed trait: it is built over time, mostly through caring, stable relationships, so a child who does not show every trait below is not failing.

These are the main characteristics of resilient children

The characteristics of resilient children describe their ability to use internal and external resources to cope with adverse conditions, overcome them and become stronger. I will tell you a little about the ones you will be able to recognize most easily:

  • They solve problems skillfully

First of all, a resilient child has developed a special ability to handle and solve different kinds of problems. When faced with an obstacle, they calm down, calm their thoughts and emotions and act without losing their cool. They think carefully, choosing the solution that seems best for them.

If they do not get it right, they do not let themselves be overcome by negativity. They reflect again on the problem and make, once more, what they consider to be the best decision. This ability makes them confront any adverse situation with a healthy and positive attitude. Moreover, they are prepared to assimilate and manage change.

  • They practice emotional intelligence

They are children who have learned to recognize, accept, name, and express their emotions. This allows them to have greater emotional control, especially when it comes to negative emotions such as anger or panic.

A resilient child or adolescent is not afraid of his or her emotions because they have been raised in a context of acceptance and respect. They are aware of them, they know emotions are a part of themselves and that they can learn to manage them.

  • They are empathetic

When you raise a resilient child, you are helping them to develop empathy; not only towards other people but towards any living being. They are able to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and understand, from their heart, the motivation behind a smile, a cry, a tear.

This is essential in a world where ” egoism ” and the inability to feel the needs of others are often prevalent.

  • Have positive self-esteem

Some parents ask me if self-esteem can turn into pride or arrogance. Yes, it can, but resilient children are aware of their capabilities. Our role as parents, in these cases, is to remind them that humility is a virtue and that they should not allow their self-esteem to end up running over others.

In addition, they learn not to let themselves get carried away by the arrogance of believing that a problem is too easy when it is not. Trial and error are the best teachers for a resilient child.

  • They show a good sense of humor

This is a very common trait in resilient children. They are very pleasant to deal with and have a healthy sense of humor. They can face even the most difficult moments with a smile or a joking remark that takes the tension out of the moment.

This is not because they do not take the situation seriously or underestimate the seriousness of a problem; this attitude stems from their emotional control. It may also be nourished by their faith and trust in God, which can lead them to try to cheer up (even if only a little) people who are going through a bad time.

  • They know their creative potential

Having the freedom to solve problems, make decisions, and think increases their creative potential. This ability is not restricted to the imagination; it includes generating creative and original solutions to complex situations. A difficult circumstance in the hands of a resilient child can be transformed into something beautiful and useful.

  • They are optimistic

I am not talking about delusional optimism, but about optimism focused on reality and on the chances of success in the face of a setback. In general, their understanding of the world and of life is positive, because they know their resources and capabilities.

Other unique features

What I have just listed are perhaps the most outstanding qualities of resilient children. But there are many that you may have already noticed in your child, look for them in this list:

  • They are perceptive and knowledgeable about human nature.
  • They are tenacious and persevering. Do you think your child is stubborn? Take a closer look, what do you see now?
  • These children are organized and autonomous.
  • They are systematic, but not inflexible.
  • They are not controlling.
  • These children are not trapped by guilt.
  • They tolerate uncertainty fairly well.

If these qualities seem familiar to you and you think your child has them, look for ways to maximize them. Don’t forget that “A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23, NIV). This is the right time to give your child the tools of resilience and strengthen the ones they already have.

Resilient children for an adult world

Sometimes, when we leave childhood and adolescence behind, we tend to forget what we were; we refuse to remember that being a child in an adult world is not as easy as it seems. We love our children, we care for them, we provide them with everything materially necessary, but what tools do we put in their hands for life?

Let us reflect a little; let us raise our eyes to God and ask ourselves, are we educating them to face adversity? Because they will experience adversity, whether we want them to or not: a change of country, the death of a parent, economic bankruptcy. These are events that happen when we least expect them.

A study of 31 children aged 9 to 12 from single-parent families in La Paz, Bolivia, found resilience at different levels (about 29% high, 39% medium and 32% low), a reminder that resilience varies from child to child and can be supported. It was a small descriptive study and cannot be generalized.

Which of these strengths have you already seen in your child, and how could you encourage it this week?

If your child’s worry, sadness or behavior is persistent or interferes with school or family life, or if your child talks about wanting to die or to hurt themselves, seek professional help right away; you can call or text 988 at any time.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • Quisbert Gómez, M. M. (2014). Capacidad resiliente en niños y niñas de 9 a 12 años que pertenecen a familias monoparentales. Revista de Investigación Psicológica, 11 (link in the text).
  • Scripture: NIV (Joshua 1:9; Proverbs 15:23), via BibleGateway.

What is bullying and how to know if a child is being bullied?

What is bullying? For anyone responsible for a child, it is important to know what bullying is and to recognize its signs. This problem affects thousands of young people worldwide; unfortunately, many parents do not realize that their children are subject to this hostile behavior.

My experience as a therapist has taught me that the role of parents in bullying situations is essential. That is why I invite you to join me in this article and to reflect, in the name of God, on this delicate subject.

What is bullying?

What is bullying? Persistent and abusive behavior by one or more children toward another that can cause physical or emotional harm to a child or adolescent. It may be group or individual aggression that exposes the victim to sustained public humiliation and ridicule.

Bullying is never the fault of the child who suffers it. Children who are bullied often have psychological consequences that can remain after the physical ones have disappeared.

Characteristics of bullying

Although bullying is a complex phenomenon, it has a few outstanding characteristics:

  • It is intentional. The aggressor has every intention of assaulting their victim.
  • Bullying is consistent. The acts of harassment are sustained; they have been performed over and over again, repetitively and consistently.
  • It is carried out among peers. It is usually carried out by young people of the same age as the victim: schoolmates, teammates, neighbors, and even siblings or cousins.
  • Bullying has different manifestations. Abuse can be verbal (insults, threats, name-calling); sexual (touching the victim or making fun of his or her sexual orientation); physical (hitting, pushing); social (isolation, spreading rumors); cyberbullying (harassment by telephone or social networks).
  • Targets peers who seem to have less power. Children who bully often target peers who seem to have less power or fewer friends. Children with a disability, children who are different from the group, and those who belong to minority groups are at higher risk of being targeted. Being targeted is never the child’s fault.
  • Empathy is often limited. A child who bullies may not recognize, or may choose to ignore, how the other child feels. This is a pattern of behavior that can change with adult guidance, not a fixed trait of the child.
  • Some adults see bullying as a passing phase. However, it can create a lasting pattern of dominance and submission, and its effects can continue into adult life.

How do you know if a child is suffering from bullying?

What is bullying and how to know if a child is being bullied? Changes in a bullied child’s behavior may not be noticeable if you are not paying attention. An attentive parent may notice the signs below. None of them proves by itself that a child is being bullied, because they can have other causes, so ask your child gently and, if you are worried, consult a professional:

  1. Has decreased school performance

In my conversations with parents, I often tell them that this is one of the most obvious signs that something is wrong. When a child begins to drop grades and performance in school, there is an urgent need to investigate what is happening.

  1. Presents anxiety problems

Anxiety usually manifests itself in situations such as lack of sleep, nightmares, irritability and loss of appetite. There are other more physical signs such as generalized malaise, breathing problems and exhaustion. It can also manifest itself in quick mood swings.

  1. Does not want to go to school

School is the child’s and adolescent’s personal space. It is the place to meet with classmates and share common activities and interests. Therefore, if a child is recurrently absent from school or expresses fear of attending, something negative is happening there.

  1. Is always on the defensive

They may be alert and defensive all the time. Also feel guilty about anything in their environment; or assume that someone is blaming them, even if it is not true.

  1. Suffer extreme emotional reactions

They may burst into tears, have episodes of anger or panic in irrelevant situations. I suggest you dig deeper and look for the real cause of these seemingly exaggerated outbursts.

  1. Is afraid of being alone

A victim of sustained harassment may be afraid of being alone; going out alone to the supermarket, going for a bike ride or playing in the park may be situations in which he or she is likely to encounter the aggressors. The fear may be such that he or she does not want to be alone even at home.

  1. Behaves aggressively at home

Irritability and aggressive behavior can be a result of the harassment a child suffers, although they can also have other causes. The child is overwhelmed and may explode in an environment where he/she feels it is safe to let out all the accumulated anger and resentment.

  1. Isolates or locks themselves in their room

The victim of bullying may show a tendency to isolate themselves, not only from their family, but also from their friends. It is normal for a teenager to spend time in their room and jealously guard their space, but excessive isolation and apathy can be a sign of bullying.

Take it seriously if your child talks about wanting to die, about hurting themselves or about not wanting to be here, or if you find signs of self-harm. Stay calm, listen, and get help right away: call or text 988, or call 911 if there is immediate danger. Bullying is one of many factors that can weigh on a young person; it does not by itself explain thoughts of suicide. If bullying includes physical violence, threats or sexual touching, contact the school and, if a child may be being abused, the Florida Abuse Hotline (number below); if there is immediate danger, call 911.

What can parents do in these cases?

Now you know the answer to the question: what is bullying? But what can you do in these cases? Specialists agree that bullying is a serious problem that must be tackled from all angles. In some cases, when the bullying situation disappears, children return to their normal life; in others, they require psychological and/or psychiatric support. Regarding home care, some actions that I can recommend for you are:

  • Establish a two-way communication channel with your child.
  • Show them that they can trust you.
  • Gently ask your child what is happening, and ask the school to look into the situation and the seriousness of the problem.
  • Contact teachers and school officials.
  • Do not confront the other child or his or her family on your own. Work with the school, keep a written record of what happens (dates, messages, screenshots), and ask a therapist how your child can stay safe and speak up.
  • If your child feels very affected get professional help. This support is highly recommended in any case.

Your faith can be a source of strength for you and your child. Help your child look for safety and justice through trusted adults and the school, not through revenge: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult” (1 Peter 3:9, NIV). Act firmly, but without hatred.

What is one small step you could take this week to let your child know they can always talk to you?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Suicide in Children and Adolescents: Warning Signs and How to Help

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If someone you love is talking about suicide, call 988 with them, or call 911 if there is immediate danger. You do not have to handle it alone, and you do not have to have the right words first.

Few subjects are harder for a parent, a grandparent or a pastor than the thought that a child or a teenager might want to die. I write about it carefully, because I know some readers are carrying this fear right now. If that is you, take a breath. There are concrete things you can do, and help exists.

What suicidal thinking is, and what it is not

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) says suicidal behavior is complex and has no single cause. The World Health Organization (WHO) says the same: many social, cultural, biological, psychological and environmental factors shape it. No one event, and no one person, explains it. That means it is not the fault of one parent, one family or one hard season, and it is not a sign that a young person is weak or that their faith is small.

Suicide is not inevitable, and it is not a solution. Pain that feels permanent often changes with support and care. The NIMH puts it this way: suicide “is complicated and tragic, but it is often preventable.”

Based on my work with families, I can add this: children and teenagers are sensitive to changes in routine, to loss, and to the sense of not being heard. These things do not cause suicide on their own. But when a young person feels alone with a heavy weight, it matters that someone notices.

Warning signs listed by the NIMH and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) include:

  • Talking about wanting to die, feeling hopeless, trapped, or a burden to others.
  • Pulling away from friends and activities, or saying goodbye, or giving away things that matter to them.
  • Big changes in mood, sleep or eating; more anger, anxiety or agitation than usual; more alcohol or drug use.

The NIMH asks you to seek help as soon as possible, especially if the behavior is new or has increased recently. In a child, these signs may come out as irritability or anger rather than sadness. A sudden calm after a long stretch of distress is not always improvement: ask gently, because sometimes it means the person has made a decision. When in doubt, ask for help. You do not need to be certain.

How to talk with someone you are worried about

The 988 Lifeline describes five steps for helping someone: ask, be there, help keep them safe, help them connect, and follow up. Here is how I would put them in plain words for a parent or caregiver.

  • Ask directly and calmly. Choose a private moment and say what you have noticed: “You have seemed very down lately, and I’m worried. Are you thinking about suicide?” Be direct. Do not argue, lecture or react with panic.
  • Listen and stay. Let them speak without rushing to fix it or to correct how they feel. Do not promise that everything will be fine; offer hope that other paths exist, and that you will walk with them.
  • Do not keep it secret. If a young person tells you about thoughts of suicide, or a plan, you cannot hold it alone. Do not agree to secrecy. Call or text 988 with them, and call 911 if there is immediate danger.
  • Help keep them safe. In general, reduce access to anything the person could use to hurt themselves, and ask the 988 counselor or a professional what that means in your home. Do not leave a young person in acute crisis alone.
  • Connect and follow up. Help them reach a doctor or a licensed mental health professional, and check in again in the days and weeks after. One conversation is a beginning, not the end.

Please do not blame yourself, and do not blame the young person. If you find yourself asking “what did I do wrong?”, I understand the question. A better one is “what is the next good step?” The next good step is almost always to ask, listen, and connect them to help.

A written safety plan

A person who has had thoughts of self-harm can write a safety plan together with a professional (the Stanley-Brown model). It is a short page, in the person’s own words, to use in the hardest hour. It is not a promise or a contract: it is a sequence of steps, in this order:

  1. My warning signs: the thoughts, images, moods or situations that tell me a crisis may be starting.
  2. What I can do on my own to calm down: walk, breathe slowly, pray quietly, listen to music.
  3. People and places that distract me, without having to tell them what is happening.
  4. People I can ask for help, with their phone numbers.
  5. Professionals and services: my doctor or therapist, 988, and the nearest emergency room.
  6. Making my environment safer: who keeps what, and until when. For example, a trusted person keeps the firearms or medications, with an agreed date.

At the end, one sentence is written: “The most important thing to me, worth living for, is…”. If someone has trouble filling in step 2 or step 4, they should tell their professional: it is not a failure, it is valuable information for caring for them better.

If you have lost someone to suicide

People who lose a loved one this way also need care. It is common to search again and again for “the reason”, to feel guilt that covers everything, to feel ashamed and keep quiet, or to feel anger at the person who died. All of that can live alongside love. Suicide almost never has a single cause: you do not have to find the one reason or carry all the guilt. Do not go through it alone: look for a support group for survivors or a grief professional. If you yourself are thinking about hurting yourself or about being reunited with that person, call or text 988 today.

What faith communities can and cannot do

A church, a youth group or a family of faith can offer something precious: people who know a young person’s name, who notice when they stop coming, and who treat them as someone of worth. Scripture says “God is love.” (1 John 4:8, NIV) And: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:14, NIV) Love shown in presence is real protection for a young person’s heart.

This is my reading as a pastor: love is a way of showing up, not a replacement for care. Prayer matters, and I encourage it. But prayer and faith alone are not a treatment, and I would never tell a family that they are enough by themselves. Faith and professional care belong together. A young person who is thinking about suicide needs both a community that welcomes them and a trained professional who can assess and treat what they are going through.

A faith community can also do harm without meaning to: by treating these thoughts as a spiritual failure, by staying silent, or by telling someone to just pray harder. Let us do better. Let us speak about it openly, with gentleness, and know who to call.

When a family has lost someone to suicide, the community’s task is to stay close, without blame and without asking for details. Grief like this needs time and company.

Who is one young person in your life that you could check in on this week, and what would you say to them?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. (n.d.). Frequently asked questions. 988lifeline.org. https://988lifeline.org/faq/
  • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. (n.d.). Help someone else. 988lifeline.org. https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/
  • National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Warning signs of suicide. NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide
  • National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Suicide prevention. NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention
  • World Health Organization. (2026, August 28). Suicide. WHO. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/suicide
  • American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (n.d.). Risk factors and warning signs. AFSP. https://afsp.org/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/
  • Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE). (n.d.). Recommendations for reporting on suicide. https://www.save.org/media/media-recommendations/
  • New International Version. (2011). 1 John 4:8; Colossians 3:14. BibleGateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+4%3A8%2C+Colossians+3%3A14&version=NIV

Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used with permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Six Strategies to prevent bullying at school

Learning about bullying is something that must be assumed by society worldwide. Especially, because it affects so many children in every country.

UNESCO’s 2019 report Behind the Numbers found that nearly 1 in 3 students worldwide had been bullied at school at least once in the month before the survey. In the United States, the CDC reports that about 1 in 5 high school students were bullied on school property in the past year.

The good news is that you and I are part of this and can contribute with good practices at home and at school.

Bullying can be prevented by giving it global visibility

It is possible to avoid bullying or school harassment by understanding that it is a reality and must be made visible.

Bullying often goes unseen, because children do not always tell an adult. That is why adults need to watch, ask and listen.
Organizations such as UNESCO treat school violence and bullying as a worldwide concern.

What can we do in our homes and schools?

Home and school are the main places where bullying takes place. Moreover, these are the main environments for the formation of the behavior of our children. Let us briefly share 6 fundamental strategies or actions to prevent bullying.

1.   Understand the definition of bullying

The CDC defines bullying as unwanted aggressive behavior by another young person or group of young people that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated, or highly likely to be repeated.

Lack of clarity makes bullying go unnoticed. Expressions such as “it’s kid stuff”, “it’s no big deal,” or “I don’t think it’s bullying” are triggers. These can normalize the bully’s attitude or silence the victim. I have often recorded this in my consultations.

2.   Do not ignore irregular situations

A common mistake is to believe that it will disappear soon and that children can solve it on their own. To prevent bullying, it is important to know how to assess the situation. The following questions can help you:

  • Have there been previous conflicts?
  • Does the child feel that there is no equality of power?
  • Does the child fear that it will happen again?
  • Have those involved been meeting? (especially among adolescents)
  • Find out the background of those involved Are any of them supported by a gang or have they been assaulted before?
  • Does he/she prefer to isolate him/herself?

3.   Talk about bullying, take action and report it

Before speaking, listen attentively and with a commitment to the needs of each individual; understand their interests, possible fears, beliefs, or what they see as a challenge.

Lean on activities that encourage working together as well as altruism and empathy.

4.   Do your research and stay informed

Look for reliable information from organizations such as UNICEF and StopBullying.gov (U.S. government) to help you prevent bullying or school harassment.

Learn about the support work done by organizations such as Bullying Without Borders and other related NGOs.

5.   Strengthen weak points

We can prevent bullying by knowing the weakness of the enemy. It is the misperception of themselves and the feeling of worthlessness present in each person involved. Let’s see briefly:

  • The bully seeks to be recognized and/or reproduce the aggression he/she suffers or suffered.
  • The bullied, is often someone who feels insecure, isolated or has low self-esteem.
  • Permissive or silent witnesses remain insecure in the face of others’ pain.

These are my observations as a therapist. Each person involved suffers and is a victim; they also reveal, from their place, their lack of love, security, empathy, self-esteem and protection.

As a therapist, I can assure you that no child learns to love, be safe and empathetic by reading a book. We need to love our little ones committedly and let them know that they are important.

6.   Lean on the love that drives away fear

As we have just mentioned, any situation in which abuse is exercised or permitted is related to a lack of attention and self-esteem. To prevent bullying, our children need to feel loved.

Children who know they are loved will not need to attack or seek the attention they already have; they know they will be protected if they tell what is happening to them; they will know how to love and empathize and will not support abuse. However, in order to love your children, parents need to feel loved as well.

The good news is that above any affective deficiency you may have had, the love of God prevails and renews (1 Juan 4.8, 16,18). The Presence of God makes us close and attentive to ourselves and to others.

You have my full support to transcend the difficulty. The gifts that God has given me are at your service. You can contact me at this number (407) 559-7093.

Sources

  • UNESCO. (2019). Behind the numbers: Ending school violence and bullying. Reported in United Nations News. (2019, January 22). https://news.un.org/en/story/2019/01/1031052
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, October 28). About bullying. https://www.cdc.gov/youth-violence/about/about-bullying.html

Common Problems in Marriage: Money – How to Prevent Your Finances from Being a Problem?

Research following 4,574 U.S. couples found that disagreements about money predicted divorce more strongly than other common marital disagreements1, which makes it a problem in marriage worth addressing early and often.

The strain that managing finances causes on both partners in a marriage is remarkable.  Since they are two different people with different financial habits, they will have to become a team. Even Christian marriages can be affected by differences of opinion on how to manage money.

One spouse may be a spender while the other one is a saver. This is typically the case.  Whether it is due to the concept that each one has about money; the education each one of them received at home, or their expectations about the future, these two perspectives must come together; in order to achieve better communication and reduce arguments about money.

Let’s review some ideas about how to reach an understanding about money in marriage.

The Importance of a Financially Equitable Marriage

Living with your spouse and sharing the burdens in your marriage is a relief from daily stress.  Money problems in the family can be tenacious and unpleasant.

In some cases, one spouse may have to leave a well-paying job to stay home to care for the children or another family member. Oftentimes, the working spouse will take over finances and make all the decisions by him/herself. Unequal control of money can also strain trust and safety in a marriage. If money is being used to control or frighten you, that is a safety issue: call 911 if you are in danger, or call or text 988 if you are in crisis.

Decision-making within your marriage should be equitable, because a marriage that is financially equal will be a safe space for both men and women. A space where both parties are cautious about where the power resides in the relationship. The source of household income (jobs, inheritances) and spending styles (how much and how it is spent) are topics to discuss before marriage. It is unlikely to find a partner who has the same exact ideas as you do about money.

When you first enter a marriage, you may not be fully aware of your spouse’s preferences just yet, including their spending habits.

If you feel that your spouse has a different stance regarding finances, do not avoid addressing it. The first step in creating a successful financial plan between spouses is for both to begin to see each other as a partnership.

Ways to prevent money from ruining your relationship

In my experience, some of the most common topics in marriage counseling are parenting and sexuality. But no one seems to want to talk about a topic that is of great importance, money. Dealing with this issue turns out to be an uncomfortable topic for many couples.

I have recognized such a big aversion toward this topic that the patterns of dysfunction around finances can become like those of sexual intimacy. Pleasure and pain can be defined through money.  A study published in the scientific journal PLOS ONE2, based on 10,236 online survey responses, found that how fair people felt shared expenses were predicted their relationship satisfaction more strongly than how fair they felt the housework was.

Both parties must be able to know how much the other partner earns. Then, how do you prevent money from being a problem in your relationship?

Understand your partner’s mindset about money

Before you get married you need to understand your partner’s mindset about money. As uncomfortable as the subject may be, you should talk about pending debts, loans, sources of income, investments, and other financial obligations you have. If you are already married, and you and your partner are hiding information of this nature, bring it to light.

Having nothing to hide, it will be simpler to see the full picture of your financial situation and the perception your partner has about money. But this will not stop certain problems from happening. Why? Would you be surprised if I told you that many arguments between husbands and wives that seem to be over money, are not really about that?

It is rather a clash of tempers. You may be upset that your spouse spends too much money, but what infuriates you is not that you cannot afford those expenses, it is that you are afraid you will not be able to pay your bills in the future. In this case I would ask: “Were your parents frugal or compulsive spenders? Did they have a limited budget?” Answer those questions to learn more about yourself and your partner.

You need to have the same financial expectations and priorities

You cannot expect that both partners’ incomes and jobs will be the same as they were when you first got married. Life goes on and circumstances change.

You need to sit down, even once a year, to discuss what your expectations and financial priorities are: talk about what responsibilities or measures you can take to be on the same page so that both of you can feel comfortable with handling money.

If you want to work together so you can pay off a debt or save more, or to start thinking about your retirement, it helps to have the same goals.

Give yourselves a mutual break

Although marital finances is a topic that should be constantly pursued, I understand that talking to your spouse about each of the purchases you make can feel restrictive. Especially, when you will have to “defend” a purchase that your partner finds unnecessary or does not approve. It is the perfect recipe for disaster.

A simple solution is to have separate budgets to spend on discretionary items of your choice. Take it as “money to have fun”; an amount that will be agreed considering the possibilities of both of you and that each one may spend at your own discretion as long as you respect the budget established for this section. This can help take some of the pressure off your relationship.

Increase your knowledge about money

Finally, it will be useful if both of you learn more about how to manage your finances. You can take a course, read books about investing, or watch videos.  Bob Lotich’s Managing Money God’s Way is, for example, a good read to guide our Christian finances.

God gives us money, and it is our duty to be the best stewards we can be so that we can take care of our homes.

Do you need to know more about the subject? I invite you to contact us at (407) 559-7093.

Sources

  1. Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61, 615-628. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/facpub/4526
  2. Gillespie, B. J., Peterson, G., & Lever, J. (2019). Gendered perceptions of fairness in housework and shared expenses: Implications for relationship satisfaction and sex frequency. PLoS ONE, 14(3), e0214204. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0214204

Common problems in marriage: Communication – Learn the skills to Better Communicate with your Spouse

Marriages that can resolve misunderstandings quickly and are not afraid to talk about any issues will enjoy much better communication. When having good communication, the hearts of the couple are strengthened, and respect and understanding will abide.

It is the intention of our Lord that our marriages be full of trust and good values. If we have trust in marriage, there will be love and a strong connection; one in which the commitment between husband and wife cannot be broken.

Still, healthy communication in marriage has its own challenges, which must be overcome.

It is my goal that you understand that anyone can improve the quality of communication with their spouse.

How do I improve the quality of my communication with my partner?

Nurturing good communication is a task that needs commitment and effort. It especially requires many small actions and words, but it is a challenge that will be worth taking in the long run.

I want to give you some recommendations for this purpose:

Stay focused on the present

It is tempting to bring up conflicts from the past that are related to what is happening in the present. It might feel like it is necessary to express those thoughts, but it is not the most appropriate thing to do. Doing so will only cloud the situation and block you from finding a solution.

Therefore, when you find yourself having an argument, do not resort to issues of the past that created wounds. You must focus on the present, what you feel now. Try to understand the situation and find a viable solution. The present is what you can work on together.

Listen to each other attentively

Usually there are those who believe that they are listening to their partners whenever they are having arguments, but they do not really listen, because they are focusing on having a clever rebuttal for their counterpart. That is not listening.

For communication to be efficient, both partners must be active listeners. Therefore, as hard as it may seem, you need to really listen to what your spouse is telling you. You should not interrupt what he/she has to say.

Put yourselves in the other person’s shoes

A marriage needs to have mutual understanding. It’s good to be empathetic and to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand why he/she acts a certain way.

You should consider the other person’s perspective. When both parties feel that the other is listening attentively, you will feel and communicate better.

Take accountability for your actions

Taking accountability for one’s actions is a sign of personal strength. Effective communication requires acknowledging and accepting when one is wrong.

When both partners share the blame in a situation it softens the other person’s attitude. Then you may reach a solution that meets both party’s needs.

If you have a hard time resolving conflicts with respect, you can resort to couple’s therapy. These are designed to improve communication with your spouse.  It may also help in resolving any other conflicts that you consider to be affecting your relationship.

The Value of a Christian Marriage is good Communication:

As Christians, our marriages must have empathy, and respect for our partner. We must be able to communicate with honest emotions, kindness, and, above all, respecting our faith.

The Bible is full of marriage advice that can be applied in your own marriage, with the sole intention of improving and strengthening it. The Holy Scriptures are an excellent source of support for improving communication and its quality. Here are some biblical principles we can apply to have good communication.

Treat others the way you would like to be treated

One of the most powerful principles within every marriage is portrayed in the words of Matthew 7:12, where we read, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

What is your response when someone yells at you or scolds you endlessly? Some may answer that they respond in  the same way.  But expressing anger or wanting to hurt the other person are not sensible ways to act.

Treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. So, if you want your partner to listen to you while you talk or want him/her to help you with household chores, you need to do the same for him/her.

Prioritize prayer within your marriage

Keeping prayer at the heart of marriage is also one of the teachings we can find in the Bible. In 1 Thessalonians 5:17 we are told to “pray continually”.  Faith is an axis in Christian families and a necessary component in marriages.

When a couple prays, they bring their problems before God, and many couples find that prayer gives them calm and perspective as they look for answers. God knows your feelings, sorrows, and your heart. Prayer does not replace honest conversation or, when needed, professional help.

Practice forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”.

A couple will not be able to communicate well if both parties are angry or resentful. Keeping anger within both of you is counterproductive. Forgiveness is a gift you can offer for everyday offenses, though it never means accepting abuse or staying in danger. If you feel like hurting him/her or like venting your resentment, stop. It is best to talk to your partner with honesty and solve problems as soon as they arise.

What is one thing you could say to your spouse this week that you would want to hear yourself?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Common Problems in Marriage: Intimacy – How to Keep the Spark Alive?

Do you want to know how you can have more intimacy to keep the spark alive in your marriage? Long-term relationships, such as marriage, generate very close bonds that require attention and effort all the time.  With this, I do not mean that they take a lot of work, but they definitely do not work automatically.

It is necessary for the parties involved to devote some time to intimacy to relive that feeling they had in the beginning.

Avoiding the problem while you are scrolling through your social networks or pretending to sleep, will not fix this situation. In fact, you will only make it worse.  It is extremely important that you know that with proper communication, effort and understanding, you can redirect your relationship to the right path.

Do not miss this article with all the information you need to know about how to keep the spark alive in your marriage. You will also find more interesting facts here. Let’s take a look!

Is it possible to keep the spark alive after years of marriage?

The reality is that keeping the spark alive is an ongoing task because it is necessary, so we don’t fall back into that feeling of monotony and lack of intimacy. However, it is entirely possible to keep it alive if you are aware that there is a problem, and you want to improve the situation for the sake of the relationship.

On the other hand, without a doubt, sex is something that can help keep the intimacy in a couple. It is well known that intimacy has different stages of evolution over the years.

Over the years, the surprises of being with the spouse decrease, and the arrival of children can also be a factor that reduces intimacy. With daily activities and chores, childcare, work and more, there is practically no room left for intimacy between spouses. And, this can be harmful in the long run, and can even cause separations.

Keeping the spark alive and intimacy are necessary tasks for both spouses, which are not impossible to achieve. Without a doubt, they certainly require effort, but results are very satisfying for both parties involved.

What obstacles may get in the way?

It is also important to consider other factors. For example, work, family problems, or financial concerns can also drain your energy significantly. This can drive a wedge between partners.

Another difficulty that often arises is that feeling of inequality that appears in some marriages. That feeling of imbalance of power between partners. To solve this problem properly, it is essential to communicate and understand each other through empathy. Another positive approach is to share how your day went with each other. This will help the other person have a better understanding of how you’re feeling.

It should also be a common goal for both partners to become each other’s confidant. Confiding in your spouse can help you feel safe and loved and will improve your desire to do things together.

How can I improve intimacy with my partner and keep the spark alive?

As we have already mentioned in this article, skills such as communication, understanding, attention and empathy are fundamental tools. Next, I will mention some tips to keep the spark alive in your marriage and solve the difficulties you may have. Let’s take a look!

Express your desires

To express what truly motivates you and leads you to have intimacy, you need to identify it first. Know yourself, explore and discover new things that motivate you to have intimacy and then share them with your partner.

Focus on intimacy

While you have already acknowledged that there is an intimacy-related problem, the solution lies in the desire and effort to leave that problem behind. Pay attention and take the initiative at times to kindle the spark in your marriage.

Date your spouse

Having a free night every now and then can be very helpful in these cases. You can take advantage of that time with your partner by going out to have dinner together or by going to places that you both enjoy, thus, keeping the spark alive in the best possible way.

Look your best

It is true that, as the relationship grows, the sensual side of it is affected. But, you should know that this is not an obstacle that prevents you from surprising your partner again, if you want to do so. Looking good and feeling good about ourselves is something we all notice.

Redefine Intimacy

If you think that when talking about sexuality in a marriage, the only option is intercourse, then you should know that you have many new worlds to discover. Hugs, massages, caresses, redefining what can be done in this type of situation will open new paths.

Intimacy only works when both people freely agree: no one should feel pressured, and a “no” deserves respect. If a lack of desire, pain or another physical difficulty lasts, talk with your doctor or a qualified counselor; many causes can be treated.

As you can see, there is a number of things you can do to keep the spark alive in your marriage. You just have to take your first steps and start paying attention to the details so that everything falls back into place.

Feeling truly alive in a marriage is vital for its success. So, without a doubt, it is worth dedicating time for intimacy.

Spark and intimacy

Now you know more ways and tools to keep the spark alive and improve intimacy in your relationship. Remember that communication and understanding between both parties will be vital to reach an agreement and solve any hiccups.

If you have more questions on this topic, you are welcome to ask.

What is one small way you could invite closeness with your spouse this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

3 Tips for Single Mothers: Caring for Yourself and Your Children

Nowadays, single-parent families are becoming more common. Therefore, a few practical tips for single mothers can help you feel more confident while raising your children. Regardless of whether it was a decision, a loss or a breakup, being a mother and not having constant support in this demanding task is always difficult.

There are many challenges on this path that you will have to learn to overcome. So, I want to teach you some very useful tips to help you face being a single mother in the best way possible. In this way, you will feel more prepared and more confident in yourself.

List of Tips for Single Mothers: Everything You Need to Know

There are tips for single mothers that are important and remarkable when applied. It seems that when you become a single mother, everything is against you: time, people, and responsibilities.

Nevertheless, you should know from the start that this task is worth every second of your life. Despite the perception many people have of single mothers being incomplete, you must be clear about who you are and what you do.

Only in this way can you be the mother your children need and the extremely important figure in the life of your little one. One of the tips for single mothers that should be emphasized the most is the mental strength to keep moving forward regardless of the headwind.

This may mean starting on the right foot. These are the first steps toward a better future full of success. But, that’s not all. I will teach additional tips that will help you with the beautiful and very important work of raising your children.

1.   Go through and overcome any kind of prejudice

It seems unrealistic at first glance, but prejudices are more present than you think in many people’s minds. Although it is hard to believe, society tends to mistakenly label a single mother as incomplete.

Sometimes they will even dedicate themselves to overshadowing your victories, letting you know that you do not have a male figure as support. This undoubtedly has no firm basis, nor is there any kind of argument beyond prejudice.

Of the tips for single mothers that can benefit you the most, the first is simply to go through and overcome any type of prejudice they want to present to you. Despite not having a male or father figure, your effort, love, and dedication will always be very important in your child’s life.

Being a single mother is not an impossible task and you can do a loving, capable job, and it is fine to ask for help along the way. Forget about those who do not contribute anything and only criticize or judge.

2.   Don’t compare yourself to other people or women

This is something that happens more often than you might be aware of and will always be a negative thing for you. Comparing yourself to other mothers who are single or who have a partner won’t get you anywhere.

It’s about your life, the well-being of your son or daughter, and everything you can do to offer them the best quality of life possible. Everyone has their world and it is managed in their our time.

There is no point in comparing yourself because everything happens at the moment it must happen. Tips for single mothers must include a high level of focus on how you perceive your reality and how you take care of any challenges that come your way. So, you must value every step you take and everything you do to be a good mother.

3.   Make time for yourself and build a support network

This is one of the most complicated tasks that you will have to face as a single mother since free time is extremely scarce. However, you should do your best to have your own time and enjoy your company.

Going out to eat, watching a movie with friends, and having fun all count as important tasks in a mother’s life. Applying these tips for single mothers can make a big difference in how you feel in your day-to-day life and performance.

Success is not a matter of one day to the next, it is a path of perseverance and even discipline. Having your own time and enjoyment can help you rest, think more clearly and keep going.

This doesn’t make you an irresponsible, immature mother or anything like that. Everyone deserves to enjoy their lives. Remember, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV), and this important task (motherhood) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or can’t take time for yourself.

Surround yourself with a good support network, family and friends you can reach out to you when you need it. If you manage to open a space in your agenda and apply this advice, you may notice a difference in how you feel day to day.

God will always be your shelter and strength, your prompt help in all the problems you may have. You just have to trust and depend on Him at all times. Trusting God and asking people for help are not opposites.

Single Mothers: One Step at a Time

Now that you know these tips for single mothers, all that remains is putting them into practice. Take it one step at a time. Asking for support is part of being a strong parent, not a sign of weakness, and you can be a good example for your son or daughter.

Children are a blessing from God and motherhood is something memorable for all women. We are talking about the miracle of life! Feel confident in yourself and face the challenges that come your way, even on the days when fear shows up.

That way you can see yourself in the mirror in a few years and be aware of how important you have been in the life of another person. In this case, your child.

Which of these three tips could you start with this week, and who could support you in it?

If the load feels too heavy, or if sadness or exhaustion do not lift, reach out for support: caring for yourself is caring for your children. If you ever think of hurting yourself, call or text 988.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • ScienceDaily (2017), report on a study of single mothers by choice presented at the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (link in the text).
  • Scripture: NIV (Ecclesiastes 3:1), via BibleGateway.