Eight Patterns That Can Pull Couples Back Into Old Dynamics

The last chapter of the book moves from the therapy room to a practical guide: how a couple might start a couples’ study group at their church.

Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises below. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In immediate danger, call 911.

A guide to starting a couples’ study group

The chapter gives the couple a short guide. Identify the need in your community or church. Develop a study plan. “Get the approval and support of your church or community leaders.” Promote the group. And “Facilitate the meetings with love, patience, and understanding.” Ian and Cary also stressed the need “to create a safe and trusting environment for the study group.”

Eight patterns to watch for

The chapter says Ian and Cary “had identified a number of behaviors to prevent a relapse into old dynamics.” In the book’s account, these are the eight.

  1. Emotional ghosts. “dragging around old wounds and unresolved emotional problems only served to sow discord and resentment.”
  2. Denial of neuroplasticity. “thinking they ‘can’t change’ only served to stagnate their emotional growth.”
  3. Disconnection from reality. “ignoring problems and pretending everything was fine when it was not.”
  4. Lack of introspection. “if they did not self-analyze, it would be difficult to grow emotionally.”
  5. Emotions on autopilot. “pausing, reflecting, and understanding what they felt before acting could prevent impulsive and harmful responses.”
  6. Resistance to empathy. “not making an effort to understand their partner’s emotions could create an emotional rift.”
  7. Fear of vulnerability. “avoiding vulnerability only limited the emotional connection in their relationship.”
  8. A “me versus you” mentality. “seeing their partner as an adversary did not help their relationship.” This pattern assumes both partners are safe. If your partner is hurting, threatening or controlling you, it does not apply to you, and the safety note above comes first.

The chapter’s closing words

The book ends with an invitation to couples in a hard season: “Seek help. You don’t have to do this alone.” It names where to look: “you can seek support in therapy, in counseling, from those who can offer you the tools and perspective you need.”

Keep reading

This is the last chapter of the book. Each chapter of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

Get the book

This article is education, not therapy. Results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Seven Principles from Chapter 9: Practices for Couples to Try

Chapter 9 opens with a small accident. Ian prepared a romantic dinner at home, and when he opened a bottle of non-alcoholic wine it spurted and stained Cary’s white blouse. Ian panicked. Cary “simply laughed and said, ‘Look on the bright side, now you have an excuse to take me shopping!'” Then she hugged him, “telling him that little mishaps like these did not define their love and that the most important thing was that they were together.”

Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises below. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In immediate danger, call 911.

From there the chapter lays out seven principles. Here they are in its words, each with one practice it describes.

1. “Embrace the superpower of divine love!”

“Let God’s love and grace heal old wounds and build a secure bond.” The practice: “As a homework exercise, we asked Ian and Cary to spend time in prayer together each day.”

2. “Be an open book”

“Speak honestly, without fear of being sent back to the shelf.” The practices: use statements that begin with “I” instead of “you,” set aside “thirty minutes a day to talk to each other without distractions, such as phones or television,” and try the mirror technique. One partner speaks and the other repeats it back. If Ian says, “I’m feeling really anxious about my job right now,” Cary replies, “It sounds like you’re feeling worried and stressed about your job. Is that correct?”

3. “Love agenda”

“Just as we schedule work meetings, it is important to plan regular times to enjoy together.” The chapter’s list of ideas includes a movie night at home, cooking together, morning or evening walks, reading aloud, a do-it-yourself project, board games, a paint night, gardening and planning a trip. It calls the love agenda “a conscious decision to prioritize love and connection in the midst of day-to-day demands.”

4. “Be the captain of your emotional ship”

“Take responsibility for your emotions and reactions, without blaming or criticizing.” The chapter’s example: instead of “You make me feel ignored when you focus so much on your work,” Cary learned to say, “I feel ignored when we don’t spend enough quality time together.” It also describes a stopping technique, “taking a moment to pause when they feel overwhelmed by an emotion,” and says “I need some support now,” rather than “You’re never there for me.”

5. Become the best “emotional translator”

“Show empathy and understanding for your partner’s experiences and feelings.” The chapter says: “Each time one of them made an effort to understand and validate the other’s feelings, their emotional connection strengthened.” One practice is the empathy letter: “You each write a letter to each other from your partner’s perspective.”

6. “Let’s clean out the grudge closet”

“Practice forgiveness and say goodbye to resentment and bitterness.” The chapter says: “Grudges and bitterness can act as barriers that prevent us from connecting with others on a deeper level.” As homework, Ian and Cary wrote letters of forgiveness. “They did not have to deliver the letters.”

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiving someone does not mean going back to a relationship in which you are being harmed, and it does not mean the harm was acceptable.

7. “Share your spiritual journey”

“Seek support and resources from your spiritual network to strengthen your love bond.” The chapter suggests a “Bible study group for couples, community service around the church, and Christian couples’ retreats,” and seeking “spiritual mentors within their community.”

Church groups and retreats are not the place to work through abuse. If there is violence, threats, control or fear in your relationship, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) or a licensed professional instead.

Keep reading

Chapter 10 is the book’s last chapter. In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

Get the book

This article is education, not therapy. Results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Can Old Patterns Change? Neuroplasticity, Prayer and Gratitude

Chapter 8 defines neuroplasticity as “the brain’s ability to change and adapt throughout our lives.” In simple terms, it adds, it is “the brain’s ability to reorganize itself and form new neural connections in response to experience and learning.”

Why old habits are hard to leave

The chapter explains why couples repeat the same mistakes, in everyday language rather than technical detail: “The brain will always try to take the path that offers the least resistance.” It credits neuroscientist Donald Hebb (1949) with the principle that neurons activated together become connected, and draws this from it: “if a network of neurons is activated often, it will get stronger every day.” The reverse also holds, in its words: a network that is not used often is replaced by another one that is. This is the book’s plain-language picture of the brain. It is not a timetable for change, and it is not a promise that change will be quick or automatic.

Where faith and professional help meet

The chapter is written from a Christian view, and it is direct about the limits of prayer alone. Using a heart as its picture: “God has the power to heal that sick heart. But, when the situation of that heart is very complex, the intervention of a cardiologist is needed to act in the process.” Then it applies the picture to the mind: “God can renew and heal your mind, but when the damage from trauma is so severe that professional help is needed, God intervenes to use a mental health professional in the process of emotional healing.”

Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises below. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In immediate danger, call 911.

Four practices in the chapter

Slow breathing. The chapter teaches 4-7-8 breathing: “Breathe in for a count of 4 seconds.” “Hold your breath for a count of 7 seconds.” “Breathe out through your mouth for a count of 8 seconds.” If you feel dizzy or more anxious, stop and go back to your normal breathing.

Spiritual meditation. The book suggests reading a Bible passage aloud, such as 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, and choosing a key word or phrase to return to. It describes the aim like this: “it is about being aware of the thoughts that arise and redirecting them to something more constructive and positive.”

Creative visualization. The chapter defines it as “the practice of imagining positive and constructive mental images, rather than the negative and destructive images that often naturally come to mind.” In one exercise you picture a garden with a fountain, drop each negative emotion into the water and watch it vanish, then picture receiving a positive emotion “as a gift from God.”

A gratitude journal as a couple. The idea was that “each night, before bedtime, they would write down together three things they are grateful for about each other.” The chapter suggests doing it “for twenty-one days in a row” and then noticing how you feel.

If any exercise stirs up distress, stop and talk it over with a licensed therapist. If you live with OCD or compulsive rituals, do not turn breathing, meditation or visualization into a ritual to repeat until it feels “right”; talk with a licensed professional first.

Keep reading

Chapter 9 gives the book’s seven principles: “In this chapter I will share seven principles that Ian and Cary began to live by in their healing process.” In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

Get the book

This article is education, not therapy. Results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Lament and Transform: The Next Steps in Working With Painful Emotions

Chapter 7 begins: “From the first moment Ian and Cary came to my office, they lamented their unhappiness.” The author’s next move: “Now, I was going to invite them to intentionally and consciously LAMENT (L), because lamenting has very positive effects on regulating our emotions.”

What lament is

The chapter separates lament from ordinary sadness: “biblical lament is much deeper than this. It is not just an expression of deep emotion; it is an expression to a specific person, God.” It adds that “Lamentation, then, is about release, about letting painful emotions flow.”

It also says that “To lament is to accept that the experience we are going through is beyond the resources we have at our disposal.” And it names a shift in how we see ourselves: “we are not the problem. The problem is the problem.”

Naming the need under the feeling

The chapter borrows from Schema Therapy five basic emotional needs: to feel secure; to be autonomous, feel competent and have a sense of identity; the freedom to express our needs and emotions; to act spontaneously and play; and to have realistic limits. It then pairs feelings with needs: “If you are angry, is it protection against an offense?” “If you are sad, is it contact or comfort?” “If you are scared, is it safety, escape, or relief?”

The book places this step in prayer. It says: “To lament is to bring our negative emotions and misfortunes to the cross.”

Exchanging one emotion for another

The chapter draws on Greenberg’s principle that “a maladaptive emotion state can be transformed most effectively when it is replaced with another stronger or more adaptive emotion.”

In the session the chapter reproduces, Cary says to Ian: “Ian, I can’t remember the last time you held me and kissed me. I need you to make me feel safe in your arms.” Ian says: “I long for her to affirm me and see my value as her husband and respect me.”

A corrective emotional experience

The chapter says the concept “was coined by Franz Gabriel Alexander and Thomas Morton French in 1946” and rests on the idea “that one can reconstruct that traumatic memory that produces negative emotions through a corrective emotional experience with another person.”

It then describes a moment between the couple: “Something happens when one human being becomes vulnerable to another.” Cary tells Ian: “I know you are wounded too. We are both bleeding from wounds we have carried all our lives.”

Before you try any exercise: if you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788), and use a safe device your partner cannot see. In immediate danger, call 911.

Questions and a journal

The exercise asks: “What do I need? What is the unmet emotional need that produces a negative emotion?” and “When do I feel valuable, confident, competent, and more integrated?” It also says: “Make yourself vulnerable with that person who has earned the privilege of hearing your story.”

The chapter adapts an “Immanuel Journal,” a form of prayerful writing with five prompts: “I can see you…”, “I can hear you…”, “I understand how big this is for you”, “I am happy to be with you and I see your weakness with tenderness…”, and “I can do something about what you’re going through…”. Its last step: “Read your interaction with God out loud to someone you trust.”

A caution about the journal: it is prayerful writing, not treatment. If writing it stirs up overwhelming distress or painful memories, stop and talk with a licensed professional. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988. Do not read it to, or share it with, anyone who has hurt or threatened you.

Keep reading

Chapter 8 turns to the brain: “What is neuroplasticity? This is the brain’s ability to change and adapt throughout our lives.” In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Get the book

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. It describes the book’s methods and does not promise any outcome. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Recognize, Express, Analyze: The First Three Steps of Listening to Your Emotional Alarms

The chapter opens the day after an argument. Cary told the therapist what she had felt when she saw Ian pull away: “I was afraid of feeling alone and rejected. This produces a very deep and dark void in my heart.”

She then turned to Ian and said: “Ian, yesterday I was afraid of losing you. I tried to pursue you in an effort to feel more secure in our relationship.” Ian answered: “I didn’t know she was trying to get close to me. It’s hard for me to identify when people want to get close to me because I’m afraid of being rejected.”

The chapter’s comment: “Feeling our emotions and being vulnerable with the people we trust is a sign of true strength, not weakness, as it is often portrayed.”

A method with a name

The author says: “I have created an acronym with the letters REALTE to help you listen to your emotional alarms.” The letters stand for Recognize, Express, Analyze, Lament, Transform, and a Corrective Emotional Experience. This chapter covers the first three.

Before you try any exercise: if you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788), and use a safe device your partner cannot see. In immediate danger, call 911.

1. Recognize

The chapter compares unnoticed emotions to smoke alarms whose batteries have run out: “we get so used to hearing it and putting off replacing the battery that we stop being aware that we need to pay attention to it.” It quotes Greenberg: “you have to feel it to heal it.”

For Ian this was “a monumental task.” The chapter lists habits that get in the way of saying what we feel, such as “Accusing instead of saying how we feel” and “the habit of using adverbs such as ‘always’ or ‘never.'”

To feel an emotion, the chapter says, start by accepting it: “You cannot control what you do not accept.” Then listen to the body, with questions such as “How does this emotion make me feel?” and “Where in my body do I feel it?”

2. Express

“Labeling the feeling is an important step in regulating your emotions.” And: “When you name the emotion, you begin to take control of it.” Expression can happen “verbally in conversation, in writing (e.g., a diary), or in motion.” Therapeutic writing, the chapter adds, “gives you the ability to unite your cognitive side with your emotional side.”

3. Analyze

“It is important to ANALYZE (A) whether the emotion is primary or secondary.” The chapter’s example: “it was easier for Cary to retreat into anger and attack her husband, who avoided her, than to accept the feeling of abandonment she was experiencing.” For Ian, “when his wife attacked him, he withdrew and showed feelings of indifference and coldness, when in fact his deepest need was to feel loved and accepted by his wife.”

The book offers questions it attributes to Greenberg: “Is this what I really feel deep down?” “Is this the most central or primary feeling?” “Do I feel anything else that comes before this?” And to check whether a feeling is healthy: “Is this feeling a response to other past experiences, rather than primarily a response to what is happening now?” and “Is there a pattern of recurring feelings of discomfort?”

Keep reading

Chapter 7 covers the rest of the steps, beginning with lament. In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Get the book

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. It describes the book’s methods and does not promise any outcome. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Your Emotions Are Alarms: What Cary’s “I’m Married and I’m Lonely” Teaches

In one therapy session, Cary said through tears: “I’m married and I’m lonely. I have a husband who sleeps next to me, but I wake up feeling lonely.” A little later: “I sleep with someone and I’m lonely.”

What the session shows

Asked what she noticed in her body, Cary answered: “It’s a feeling in my chest, as if I want to explode. And in my stomach, some tension. And then I feel like my heart starts to race.”

In the same session Ian said: “I’m afraid to open my heart because I think I will be hurt.”

The chapter’s reading is that Cary “hides behind an emotion of sadness (secondary emotion) to hide her primary emotion,” the anger of feeling lonely and abandoned. From this the author draws a picture: “I see emotions as alarms that show us that something is going on.”

What an alarm is

“Alarms show us that something important is happening that we should pay attention to.” The chapter tells of a church fire-alarm system that went off many times, always falsely, though “the discomfort and worry were always overwhelming.” Then: “Pain is no different than an alarm.” And: “God is the Creator of our emotions, they are not the result of sin.” Feeling an alarm is not the failure. What deserves attention, and what we bring to God and to the people we love, is what we do with it: our words and our actions. The chapter describes the emotions as “internal alarms.”

Two routes through the brain

The amygdala, the chapter says, “acts as a kind of bodyguard that is continuously alert and scans every experience looking for any sign of danger.” The first route is the short, fast one, which the book calls pre-cognitive. The author tells of a dog that chased him on an early-morning walk, and how fear set off survival actions before he had time to think. The second route is longer, “the path of cognition,” and the chapter says: “This is the process we need to activate to respond instead of just reacting to adverse situations that produce insecurity in our lives.”

Four kinds of alarms

Primary adaptive emotions are “a direct reaction of the amygdala that is usually consistent with the immediate situation.” Primary maladaptive emotions are primary responses that have become dysfunctional, often learned in childhood. Secondary emotions follow a primary one: “Secondary reactive emotions follow a primary response.” This “reaction to the reaction” obscures or transforms the original emotion; for example, Cary “often turns her hurt into anger.”

What the alarms tell you

“They identify problems for you to solve.” “They are a sign of communication in intimate relationships.” And: “When you don’t pay attention to what you feel and what you need, your relationship begins to deteriorate.”

Before you try any exercise: if you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788), and use a safe device your partner cannot see. In immediate danger, call 911.

A practice for the week

The exercise at the end of the chapter says: “Three times a day, write down the last emotion you felt and describe your experience.” The questions include: what name you give the emotion, whether your body felt anything, which thoughts came, what produced it, and “What information is your emotion providing you with?”

Keep reading

Chapter 6 opens its plan with: “In this chapter, we will learn how to pay attention to and act on the emotional alarms sounding in our hearts.” In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Get the book

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. It describes the book’s methods and does not promise any outcome. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Made for Connection: What Early Love, and Its Absence, Can Leave Behind

Chapter 4 starts from faith. It says “we will discover that God created us to live emotionally connected to other people, how he created an organ to manage those connections, and, lastly, we will talk about the negative effects of a lack of love.”

Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (24/7, free, confidential). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In danger, call 911.

Created to live connected

The chapter points to 1 John 4:8 (NIV), “God is love,” and reads the creation account in Genesis 1:26-27 this way: “God created human beings to reflect His image, especially His relational image: A God who lives in community and who is love.” From that it concludes: “you, my dear reader, were created to live in a secure emotional connection with God and your fellow man.”

The brain, built for bonds

The chapter says the brain “helps us to have loving relationships with God and with our fellow human beings.” It adds: “Neuroscience shows us that the physical structures of the brain that process our relational experiences depend on certain relational experiences with primary caregivers in order to grow and develop in a healthy way.”

One picture it uses: “We have a neural Wi-Fi.”

When the connection breaks

“The word trauma is derived from the Greek word for wound.” The chapter describes attachment trauma as “that overwhelming sense of feeling alone in the midst of an unbearable emotional state.” It names two forms. One is neglect, which it calls “omission trauma,” when parents are present but do not devote time to meeting a child’s emotional needs. The other is “commission trauma,” physical, mental or sexual abuse.

Counting childhood adversity

The chapter describes the CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study: members “completed confidential surveys about their childhood experiences and current health status and behaviors.” The study looked at ten experiences, among them physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional neglect, physical neglect, a mentally ill, depressed or suicidal person at home, and witnessing domestic violence against the mother. The book cites Felitti and colleagues, American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 1998.

The chapter’s takeaway: “Being exposed to frequent periods of toxic stress can dramatically alter how children’s brains develop.”

A note on how to read this

These are patterns the chapter describes, not a verdict on any person or family.

This chapter touches abuse and neglect. If you are thinking of harming yourself, call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish; to text in Spanish, send “AYUDA”). If a child may be in danger, the Florida Abuse Hotline is 1-800-962-2873, 24/7; you can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. If there is violence in your home or immediate danger, call 911. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

Keep reading

Chapter 5 moves from where insecurity comes from to how the body signals it. In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Get the book

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

Where We Learn to Love: Family History and Attachment in Ian and Cary’s Story

Chapter 3 begins: “In this chapter I invite you to draw back the veil and discover what lies behind Ian and Cary’s story. Often you cannot know the present without first understanding the past.”

A map of three generations

To study the couple’s past, the chapter uses the genogram, a tool that “looks at the influence of the last three generations on the couple’s present and analyzes the emotional dynamics, maladaptive behaviors, and tendencies that shaped the couple’s reality.”

The book applies it to Ian’s and Cary’s family histories. It says the emotional dynamics people live in their families are carried into their relationships.

“You can’t heal from what you don’t know”

“Your family teaches you how to relate to other people in life,” the chapter says, and “The emotional dynamics we experience in our families are the same emotional dynamics we bring to our marriages.” The chapter’s line: “You can’t heal from what you don’t know.”

Attachment theory in plain words

The chapter presents attachment as part of human life “from cradle to grave,” and credits John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Secure attachment, it says, “depends on two factors: (1) the ability to predict that parents will respond to their needs and (2) their ability to trust that their parents will consistently respond to their needs.” Children with secure attachment use their parents as a “safe base” for exploring and as a “safe haven” in times of stress or danger.

The chapter lists five conditions for a child to develop secure attachment. The child feels safe. The child feels recognized. The child feels comfort, calm and tranquility. The child feels valued. The child feels supported to explore.

Three insecure styles, and one pairing

When parents are not present in a child’s life, the chapter says, the child develops an insecure style: anxious-preoccupied, anxious-avoidant, or disorganized or fearful. The book describes Cary’s as anxious-preoccupied, where a child “is unable to cope with the caregiver’s absences and as a result, constantly seeks reassurance.” It describes Ian’s as anxious-avoidant: “For years, his strategy was to avoid any emotional connection to avoid being hurt.”

In the disorganized style, “the child is in a paradox without a solution: the child can neither approach, nor avoid or escape from the attachment figure that hurts him or her.”

Of the pairing Ian and Cary formed, the book says: “the anxious partner feels abandoned while the avoidant partner shows rejection of his or her partner’s dependency needs.”

Two questions, and a timeline

Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (24/7, free, confidential). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In danger, call 911.

The chapter asks: “Do you know your attachment style? Do you understand why you relate the way you do to your partner?” It then offers a 12-statement attachment test, with the reminder: “There are no right or wrong answers. Please answer honestly.” A second exercise asks you to mark, on a timeline from birth to your twenties, when you first felt a difficult feeling, and then to “Put aside your pen or pencil and take a deep breath.”

The attachment test is informal. It is a way to start thinking, not a diagnosis, and attachment can change over time.

If looking back stirs up painful memories, or if your childhood included abuse or neglect, you do not have to go through them alone. A licensed therapist can help. Skip any exercise that feels like too much.

Keep reading

Chapter 4 turns to what comes before the family: why people were made for connection in the first place. In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Get the book

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

When the Romance Fades: How Disillusionment Becomes the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

Ian and Cary “never imagined that the romance and passion that once united them would be undermined by one of love’s bitter enemies: disillusionment.” Chapter 2 of the book follows what that looks like inside a marriage. Both of them, in a “sinister silence that we could feel in my office,” asked: “How did we get to this point?”

Two ways of being disillusioned

Cary said: “When I met Ian, I thought he was the man God had sent me to make me feel safe and loved.” Instead she found herself “in an uncertain place of confusion and insecurities.”

Ian’s disillusionment had “another nuance.” He said: “I feel like someone is pulling me up by my feet to bury me and take away my courage. I want to go far away so I won’t get hurt.”

Where it starts

The book, citing Larson, says most marriages go through at least three stages: romantic love; disillusionment and distraction; and dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment. When Ian and Cary decided to seek help, they were already in the second stage, and “were experiencing what is known as ’emotional detachment’.”

Citing Sue Johnson, the book names three things a secure bond needs: accessibility, receptivity and commitment. “Emotional accessibility means that your partner is or is not emotionally present.” And “Responsiveness means that when you approach your partner, he or she responds by looking at you, listening to you, making you feel loved.” Work, the children’s school and other activities, the chapter adds, can lead a couple into emotional distancing.

The pursue-withdraw cycle

In this cycle, “one pursues their partner for lack of emotional connection, while the other distances themselves for fear of being hurt or humiliated.”

Cary was the pursuer. She felt emotionally abandoned, and when her attachment needs went unmet, “she reacted by panicking and criticizing, hoping that Ian would become more responsive and emotionally available.” Under her anger, the chapter names fear of rejection, abandonment and worthlessness.

Ian was the one who withdraws. In most conflicts he decided to simply “give up.” The chapter reads his coldness as covering fear of inadequacy, failure and shame.

The chapter sums up the cycle this way: “Ian protects himself by keeping his distance and avoiding Cary’s anger, while she remains vigilant for any sign of Ian’s rejection.” It also names three other cycles: withdraw-withdraw, attack-attack and paralysis-withdraw.

“More of the same”

Ian and Cary’s responses became their enemy: “Their solution to the problem becomes, at the same time, the problem that keeps them stuck.” The book illustrates this with a story from Eugene Peterson about a man pushing harder on a mower nut that turned the other way. In the couple’s case, “The more Cary repeated the negative behavior of pursuing, the more Ian withdrew.”

The chapter’s explanation is that “This attachment system is like the thermostat or alarm of the relationship.”

A different enemy

“Your partner is not your enemy. Your enemy is the destructive cycle that you may be using as a strategy to deal with the emotional insecurity you are experiencing.”

This does not apply when you are being harmed. If your partner hurts, threatens or controls you, your safety comes first.

Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (24/7, free, confidential). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In danger, call 911.

The chapter ends with an exercise to do with your partner. It starts with prompts such as: “When my partner and I don’t get along, we often…”, “My partner often reacts to my…” and “When my partner reacts this way, I often feel…”

Keep reading

Chapter 3 goes back to where the cycle was learned. In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.

Get the book

Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).

This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.

How to Raise Happy Children: 9 Tips

Continuing with the posts about our children, I am going to tell you how to raise happy children. These are tips that, together or separately depending on the case, can help your children thrive.

Set Realistic Expectations

To raise happy children, set realistic goals. By this I mean do not expect your two-year-old to learn to read at that age, unless your child has a special gift and reads early.

Set realistic rules, ones you know can be followed and that suit their age.

Set Rules and Limits

Keep these steps in mind when you set rules and limits for your children without making them feel you are putting them in chains:

When setting norms, rules or limits, mothers, fathers and caregivers should use clear, simple and specific language that children can understand, and a firm but calm tone of voice. For example, it is not enough to say “behave”; it is better to give clear instructions: “In this house we talk calmly and don’t yell,” “Pick up your toys when you finish playing,” “Put dirty clothes in this basket,” “Hold my hand when we cross the street,” and so on. It is best to avoid nagging and lectures, which only make children lose focus and get angry. Children need to know specifically what to do and what not to do.

Give Love and Affection

To raise happy children, this almost goes without saying, but I have seen that at times we forget to give love and affection, and it is so simple to do.

Loving physical contact is part of development and emotional communication. Hugs and caresses, besides giving and receiving tenderness, help children feel calm, safe and joyful.

We are used to listening to what interests us, and our children have interests and topics that differ from ours. In many cases, we know almost nothing about their favorite show or video game. Listening to them with interest shows them that they matter.

Children need to play, and they do not like to be alone all the time. Make room in your daily life for play, and dive into it the way children do.

Set Schedules and Routines

There should be a time for everything: a time to brush their teeth, eat, do homework, and so on. Also keep special dates in mind, such as birthdays and Christmas, which help a child reaffirm belonging to the family.

Encourage Creativity

To raise happy children, a great gesture is to encourage creativity.

All extracurricular activities can be good for children; some directly build creative thinking, such as:

  • Extracurricular classes for children
  • Performing arts such as theater, music or dance
  • Painting, sculpture or drawing
  • Video game creation courses
  • Summer courses

Encourage Exploration and Learning

Another of the tips I usually give to the people I meet with is that children are like little sponges that need to be stimulated, and for that you must help them.

One way to make exploration easier is to offer options, activities, plans and ideas, but without forcing them. They benefit when we share our passion with them, always keeping in mind that they have their own nature, their own tastes and interests.

So do not limit your child’s possibilities to your preferences. Rather than impose, accompany and guide.

The experience of discovery has a central element: surprise, the excitement that arises when we dare to push the limits of what we know and expect.

As your child grows, they will realize that their tastes are different from their parents’. It is a moment for them to develop autonomy and learn to make their own decisions.

Accompany them in the process and inspire them to explore. If you limit them, they may hold themselves back or distrust themselves.

Praise Constructively

To raise happy children, praise cannot be missing, but keep these tips in mind to do it constructively.

Observe and describe: instead of saying “What a pretty painting!” or “You did a great job!”, say: “What a cloud you drew!” or “I see you paid close attention to the colors of the flowers”; “I saw you were tired and you kept trying hard in the game anyway”; “You passed the ball to Pedro, it was a really good game.” This way you describe what they did and recognize their work.

Be realistic: do not say “Good job!” when it isn’t. Children quickly notice when you are not telling them the truth.

Praise the process, not just the person: instead of “You’re so smart!”, say: “I see you worked really hard on this! Are you proud of it?”

Be specific: instead of “Good job!”, say things like “I see you understand addition really well!”

Respond right away: praise is more effective when it comes soon. There should not be too much time between what the child does and our reaction.

Give Opportunities to Make Decisions

Help your child practice making decisions. Offer options to choose from, so that your child feels more confident.

Build Good Communication

I recommend that you enjoy time with your child and talk together, always being their mother or father, but also someone they can trust. Remember also that as a parent you need your own space, to enjoy yourself and to go out when you can.

That is why it is healthy for parents to spend time with their friends, go for walks, meditate, exercise, and so on.

If you want to know how to raise happy children and need other tips, you can ask for professional help; the contact options are below.

Which of these gestures could you practice this week so that your child feels seen and loved?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.