Blog | Page 11 of 19

4 negative styles of communication in marriage

Banco de madera bajo un árbol frente a un paisaje al atardecer

Lack of communication in marriage: “You never pay attention. You always do what you want. You do not respect the budget we have agreed upon. I do not understand why you bought that TV for the room. We do not need it, that expense is not in the budget. You are useless. You are a fool and inconsiderate. I am tired of you always doing whatever you want and not consulting with me.”

“Oh, my love, forgive me. I will not do it again. You know that I love you and I live for you. Do not be angry with me. I will do whatever you tell me to do. In fact, if you want, I will go to the store tomorrow and return the TV, as long as you are okay and do not get mad at me. It makes me sad to see you like that.”

“You are always telling me that you are not going to do it again, and you end up doing it anyway. Could it be that you do not understand your behavior? How long do I have to put up with these packages of yours?”

Communication in marriage is key

Communication is key in all relationships, but especially in marriages. Couples research has long pointed to communication as one of the keys to a healthy marriage. Efficient communication is not something innate in human beings, but something that is developed over the years. Several factors influence how you communicate. Besides, it is affected by the way you were raised, the emotional dynamics you experienced in your family, your attachment style, and the emotional experiences you have lived. These factors can determine whether you have positive communication or negative communication.

Virginia Satir, one of the pioneers of family therapy, emphasized the importance of communication in the family as a way to develop healthy relationships. Families that are not healthy and do not nurture themselves are families in which communication is indirect, vague, dishonest, incomplete, and unclear. In Satir’s view, this kind of communication is tied to low self-esteem and to maladaptive responses, especially when the couple is experiencing high levels of stress. For Satir, a healthy marriage is built on clear, complete, and consistent communication, in which there are clear roles to lead family processes.

Virginia Satir presents four styles of dysfunctional communication that often appear in marriages when they are under stress. These are: The Accuser, the Appeaser, The Super Reasoner, and the Irrelevant. On the other hand, she advocates the development of a functional style or form of communication.

The Accuser in the communication in marriage

The Accusing style is the one used by the wife at the beginning of this article. All that wife does is spout accusations of what he did or did not do. Behind this style there are often feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability, hidden by trying to control the other person and by expressing disagreement over his actions. The accusing style is continually looking for flaws, criticizing, and name-calling. It is as if the accuser does not feel good unless they are making the other family member feel inferior. This style presents the accuser as superior. Name-calling, insults, and contempt are not just a communication style. If you are afraid of your partner’s reactions, feel controlled, or have been threatened or hurt, that is not a communication problem to be solved with better phrasing: it is a safety concern, and the resources at the end of this article can help.

The Appeaser

Thus, the husband in the story is using the appeasing style. This husband hides his feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability by trying to appease, please, and satisfy his wife’s demands. Often he does this not because he is actually sorry, but because it is a strategy he developed, without realizing it, to get through stressful times in his relationships.

In this style, the person apologizes so that he/she pleases the other person at the cost of their own emotional needs. Deep down, in this style, the person tries to avoid rejection and seeks acceptance through approval.

Super Reasoner

With this style, the person uses the rationalization defense mechanism when she/he tries to anesthetize herself/himself and disconnects from her/his true feelings. Her/his communication exists on an intellectual or rational level, preventing the emotions from interfering with the process.

Likewise, this style of negative communication always seeks to be correct, seeks perfection, and runs away from spontaneity. People who use this style externalize their experiences and repress their feelings about the problem they are facing in their relationship.

Irrelevant

On the other hand, someone who uses this style handles stressful moments in relationships by pretending that he/she is not there. Behind this style there may be a feeling of not being loved by the family or of not belonging. This person will do everything in his/her power to refocus the communication.

She/he will do it towards something else, something unrelated to the stressful situation she/he experiences and to her/his own feelings. Someone using this style will make irrelevant comments. Comments that have nothing to do with what is being said or asked when communicating.

A good style of communication in marriage

Therefore, as you can see, the communication style you use has a powerful impact on your relationships. Especially on your marital and family relationships. Besides, your communication style will determine the level of acceptance and success you will have in building healthy relationships.

In the next post, I will talk about the functional style and about how you can improve your communication if you recognize yourself in one of the styles above.

Which of these styles do you recognize in yourself, in the way you speak when you are under stress?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

3 ways to prevent child abuse

Cometa de colores volando en un cielo azul sobre un prado

Stories of child abuse can be found everywhere. Many children wait to tell, or never tell, sometimes because someone has told them to keep it secret.

Child abuse and neglect happen in every community, and in every kind of family and institution. According to the CDC, about 90% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone known and trusted by the child or the child’s family, and many children wait to report it or never report it. What concerns me the most is that sometimes an abuser tries to use the church as a haven to continue the abuse. Abuse is found in churches too.

In this post, I would like to talk to parents about three little-known ways to help prevent child abuse. Our children will not know about child abuse unless they are taught. For this reason, parents need to make home a safe place for their children. Parents must create an atmosphere of trust and security where they can talk openly about difficult, but age-appropriate topics. After creating an atmosphere at home where the child feels safe and secure, you can teach your children to say NO to inappropriate touching, bad secrets, and strangers.

Say NO to inappropriate touching

Parents can teach their children the following: “my body is mine.” Our children need to know from an early age which parts of their body are private, and that they can say NO and tell a trusted adult when someone tries to touch them. Be age-appropriate: explain that a doctor or nurse may examine them with a parent present, and that parents may help a young child with bathing. Teach your child to report any touching that feels uncomfortable or wrong, even if it is by a family member, teacher, coach, pastor, or church official.

Say NO to bad secrets

Explain to your child that there are good and bad secrets. The good secrets come from things that you love and wish to receive, such as gifts, surprises, etc. The bad secrets are the unpleasant ones. If someone touches your body in secret, or asks you to hide something that makes you feel uncomfortable, it is a bad secret and needs to be told to a trusted adult. As a parent, you need to keep the line of communication open with your children, so they can come to you with difficult subjects, such as abuse.

Say NO to strangers

Even though most children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, it is still wise to teach your child about safety with people they do not know. Just as important, teach your child that adults who respect them will respect their “no.”

These three pieces of advice can help children speak up, but they cannot guarantee protection: keeping children safe is the responsibility of adults, and abuse is never a child’s fault. Keep in mind that there are other forms of abuse, such as being exposed to sexual acts or sexually explicit materials not intended for minors, as well as indecent exposure. Encourage your child to talk to designated safe adults any time they feel unsafe.

If your child tells you about abuse

Stay calm. Tell your child that it is not their fault and that you are glad they told you. Do not question them repeatedly and do not try to investigate on your own; repeated questioning can make things harder for the child and for the investigation. Make sure the child is safe and report what you know. In Florida, anyone who suspects child abuse can call the Florida Abuse Hotline at 1-800-962-2873, and you do not need proof, only reasonable suspicion. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. Then get professional help for the child right away.

The first thing to do for a child who has been abused is to make sure the child is safe and to report the abuse; then get professional help right away. Psalm 127:3 describes children as a heritage from the Lord. We are responsible before the Lord for our children. Let’s protect them by providing a safe place at home where they can feel secure, and by being the kind of adults who listen.

Let’s teach them that they can say NO to inappropriate touching, bad secrets, and unsafe situations, and that they can always tell us.

What is one thing you can do this week so your child knows, with no doubt, that they can tell you anything? May God bless you and your family.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

Sources

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, About Child Sexual Abuse (cdc.gov/child-abuse-neglect/about/about-child-sexual-abuse.html), opened 2026-10-24.
Florida Department of Children and Families, Abuse Hotline (myflfamilies.com/services/abuse/abuse-hotline).

Show empathy and service in your ministry

Sendero entre árboles con la luz del sol atravesando el bosque

Besides practicing self-awareness and the ministry of presence by listening attentively to others to minister to them, regardless of our broken identity, we can show empathy. In other words, we can put ourselves in their position and at their service. If you apply these two aspects, you will be able to reach a level of empathy and service that will reflect Jesus’ love and ministry.

People around you will be able to know Him through you as a pastor and will be able to find in Him the refuge they need. How can you accomplish this? Below, you will find two recommendations that will help you in your ministry.

I feel what you feel

When you give the gift of your presence to those who suffer, you are practicing empathy. You feel what they feel, you put yourself in their shoes, and you give them a friendly space, where they can feel free to come and go, be as near and far as they need to be, rest and play, talk and be silent, eat and fast without being criticized and judged.

The paradox is that practicing empathy requires the creation of a space, where people who are hurting can find their human pain. The ministry of presence through empathy removes the delusion that you are superior to the one who is right next to you and that you have the power to heal it.

Your presence can be healing through empathy because it can ease loneliness and pain, and it invites them to acknowledge their loneliness on a level where it can be shared with others who suffer like them.

Pastors try to relieve pain

Pastors are not doctors, whose main job is to treat illness. Rather than rushing to take the pain away, they stay with people in it, so that it can be shared. When people turn to pastors with their problems, they can only hope for their pain to be understood and felt in a way that they no longer have to run away from it but can accept it as an expression of their humanity.

When a wife suffers the loss of her husband, we are not asked to comfort her by telling her that God knows what is doing. We are called to stay with her in her loss, as fellow human beings who share the same fragile human condition. When we acknowledge our pain and humanity, we discover that we are not alone, and we can begin to see our hope in Jesus.

I want to serve you

When you practice the ministry of presence, you are saying to those who suffer, “I want to serve you.” You become Jesus’ hands, feet, and eyes. He was there to serve, and to provide help and compassion for those in need. You do not need to do great things to allow yourself to be used by Jesus.

Your presence is the best gift

Your presence is the best gift you can give when someone has a broken identity. Certainly, the gift of your presence allows people with mental illnesses to feel safe and welcome. This is where you provide a safe space, without prejudice or anxiety, that leads to community. In this space, grace abounds. Grace is acceptance without prejudice. Presence is not a substitute for treatment: when someone shows signs of depression, talks about suicide, or is being abused, walk with them toward professional care and, if there is immediate danger, call 988 or 911.

The pastors who extend the ministry of presence can also receive grace in this symbiotic relationship. Grace nurtures relationships and unites open and vulnerable people. This may be a new concept for some of us. However, putting judgment aside is to welcome people with grace. This is where the gospel of Christ comes to life and transforms lives.

Imagination is key to empathy

Can you imagine if today you got up and started giving your presence to care for the wounds that a broken identity produces?

Can you imagine the impact you would have on your family if you gave them your presence? They may stop seeing you as a hypocritical person who is one way outside on the street, and another inside at home.

Can you imagine what would happen if you gave your presence and made yourself vulnerable by accepting the reality that you have as many wounds as those who are around you?

Can you imagine the change that would happen in your life if you stopped projecting your limitations onto other people and looked at yourself and accepted the wounds you have?

The perfect pastor doesn’t exist

God is not looking for a perfect pastor, without problems, wounds, and traumas. God wants you to be a pastor who recognizes his limitations, his wounds, and sets his mind on healing and helping others heal their wounds. That includes seeking professional care for yourself when your own wounds weigh on you; asking for help is not a weakness. Your presence is more powerful than you imagine.

God sends you so that regardless of your perhaps broken identity, your presence can bring hope to those who are suffering just like you are.

People need to find that refuge and peace that only God can give. They need to know God’s love, to feel that support and comfort that as God’s ministers we can give them.

It is not easy to face the changes of the current world without Jesus’ guidance in our lives. His ministry was one of love, perfect and sublime. We as pastors can learn how to face our changes and our own broken identities so that we can give others the support they desperately need in this troubled world.

Do you know any other way through which we can deal with a broken identity? Do you feel that these recommendations are difficult to apply? Please, share your experience with us in the comments section. God bless you.

Self-awareness and your ministry

We have read how carrying out a ministry has become a challenge for pastors today. Let’s see how to show self-awareness in your ministry. Social networks, conflicts, and their effects on a social, psychological, and emotional level, among others, have left pastors facing unprecedented challenges, both in their inner world and the world of those they minister. The question then is, how do you minister with a broken identity? How can you help others when you, as a pastor, are facing your own struggles in life? How can you give others the support they need that you feel you cannot give? I will show you how you can do it.

Practice self-awareness

This is an indispensable discipline. There can be no change in your life without self-knowledge. This requires seeing ourselves clearlclearly, being aware of our thoughts, and our emotions, being aware of how our pain leads us to see ourselves and others in dysfunctional ways, and how that impacts us.

Saint Augustine prayed that he might know himself, so that he could know God (Soliloquies, II.1).

Your healing and freedom begin with self-awareness

We cannot change something we are not aware of. Once we bring it into the light, we can begin to choose.

Let me explain the idea: the mind has two dimensions. Three, according to Freud, but I will only talk about the two most important of them, the conscious and the unconscious. The conscious is what I have in my mind at the moment, the short-term memory. In the unconscious, I store all the positive and negative experiences, traumas, sad memories, and long-term memory. But, they are not on a conscious level.

Most interesting of all is that a large part of what we feel and do each day is shaped by things we are not aware of in the moment. I can be driven by the mindsets, life scripts, and core beliefs that I developed throughout my life and stored in my unconscious.

Why you need to practice self-awareness

That is why we end up doing the things we do not want to do, as many times we are directed by the interpretations that we have unconsciously given to the experiences we have had in our lives. If those experiences have not been processed properly, they have the potential to lead us to repeat patterns of thoughts and behaviors that will influence our future positively or negatively.

But there is more to it. You need to practice self-awareness because family patterns, healthy and unhealthy, are often passed from one generation to the next, and, today, you are not just the result of your decisions, but also the result of the influence those previous generations had on you. That does not mean your future is fixed: when you understand where your patterns come from, you can choose which ones to keep and which ones to change.

Self-knowledge comes with vulnerability

You cannot achieve self-knowledge if you do not make yourself vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable refers to a psychological state in which we are aware of an emotional wound that we feel we cannot overcome. Vulnerability is the step you take toward uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

While Adam and Eve hid their shame behind fig leaves, they did not experience healing. The change in the lives of our first parents began when they acknowledged the pain in their histories and made themselves vulnerable, coming out of hiding to make themselves vulnerable and receive help. How can you achieve this? Be brave and ask for what you need. You have to be willing to expose your feelings. Be transparent with yourself and with those around you. Accept yourself the way you are. Accept the things that make you human. If your problem is preventing you from functioning in your home or ministry, maybe it is time to seek professional help.

How can I practice self-awareness?

By keeping an emotional journal. An emotional journal is a therapeutic tool that allows you to talk to yourself and discover the areas in your life that need to be processed. Another thing you can do is sit down with someone you trust and ask him/her to tell you the things he/she thinks you should grow in your life. And you must tell him/her that you will not get upset, that you will accept everything he/she tells you. People who are next to you know things about you that you do not know about yourself, and you need their help to discover them.

Prepare a genogram of your family. This will also help.

Everything mentioned above will help you care for your emotional wounds and will thus be able to restore your identity.

Practice the ministry of presence

The best gift you can give to those who suffer and are around you is your presence. That was the ministry Jesus carried. He was with those who suffered, with the sinners, the miserable, and those who were mourning. His presence was more effective than any miracle He could have performed. Jesus’ presence brought security, hope, and refuge.

When you allow those who suffer to experience your presence, you are telling them these three things:

I listen to you actively

Listening is an art that is developed. Some people pay for therapy, seeking someone to listen to them. When you practice the ministry of presence and listen to the person suffering, you are setting aside a space in your time, mind, and physical space to say to that person, “I am present before your pain.”

But this is often a difficult task because we are so absorbed in our pain and the demands of our ministry that we think we do not have time for anything else, and we simply drift with the currents of discouragement and exhaustion. This causes us to lose sight of our identity and, as a result, the people who are by our side looking for a helping hand suffer in silence, as they do not want to be intrusive and invade our private space.

Why listen actively

When we listen actively, we withdraw and get away from what is important to us, giving others the gift of our presence. We create the space for others to be themselves and to come to us on their terms.

Think about what it takes to listen well:

For the other person to open up and speak, I must step back and make room for them.

This stepping back is an intense act of self-knowledge. The space that I offer the person who is hurting with my presence allows him/her to grow.

Do you think these techniques are easily applicable? Do you think that they are challenging for you? Or even do you feel that your ministry could be carried out regardless of your broken identity if you follow these recommendations? Please, share your opinion in the comments section of this post, so we can enrich our experience together. God bless you.

Sources

Augustine of Hippo, Soliloquies, Book II, chapter 1 (Bibliothek der Kirchenväter, bkv.unifr.ch).

Believe! You can rewrite your life story

As pastors, we sometimes see the necessity that you try to rewrite your life story. We face a reality that is not easy to approach, a reality that has become more complex, with unprecedented technological and social components that add more pressure, more scenarios, and more ideologies. All these elements, relatively new, represent challenges for the pastor. Challenges that defy him to minister under of his own struggles to survive in these adverse times.

Why to rewrite your life story

The question in the midst of a crisis is “How do I survive? Get up? How do I fulfill the call that God has made to us? How do I rescue my family and help my church when I am as broken as they are?” We all have history, a sad one. We are all wounded. Furthermore, we all have emotional, physical, or spiritual wounds.

I like the question that Henri Nouwen asks in his book The Wounded Healer. The main question is not How can we hide our wounds for the fear of being ashamed? But How can we put our wounds at the service of others?

My parishioners cannot know my story of pain and shame because I am going to lose influence on them. My conference leaders cannot know that I have mental health problems, that I am depressed, anxious, and have panic attacks. I have to hide my history, my injuries.”

Rewrite your life story – A new concept

Today, I challenge that concept and want to present something revolutionary. I can rewrite my history of shame. My history of wounds, trauma, exhaustion, and mental health problems does not need to be hidden. My history does not have to continue to be a history of shame. Jesus died on the cross so that the factor that caused me shame can be used by God as a source of healing for those around me.

Jesus is the healer of human wounds sent by God: by his wounds, we are healed. His suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory, the rejection he suffered brought a community of love and grace. As followers of Jesus, we can also allow our wounds to be a source of healing for others.

The same way the Father sent Jesus with a mission that through His wounds, others could receive healing, Jesus sends us, as John 20:21 says, so that through our wounds, others can come out of the shame produced by their histories, their wounds, and may achieve healing.

A lengend with a teaching lesson

I found an old legend in the Talmud that can help us understand this concept:

Rabbi Yoshua ben Levi met the prophet Elijah while he was standing at the entrance to Rabbi Simeron ben Yohai’s cave. . . He asked Elijah, “When will the Messiah come?” Elijah replied, “Go and ask him yourself.” “Where is He?, “Sitting at the gates of the city.” “How am I going to recognize Him?” “He is sitting among the poor, covered in wounds.

The poor who are next to him untie all their wounds at the same time and then bandage them again. But He unties them one by one and bandages them one by one again, saying: ‘Perhaps someone needs me, and if it happens so, I must always be ready not to be late not even for one minute to help others to bandage their wounds.”

The Messiah, the old legend tells us, is sitting among the poor, bandaging wounds one at a time, always ready for the moment when He can be called to serve. The same happen to us.

God has sent us to work on our wounds first, with a broken identity, and to then help others bandage their wounds.

What is the process for bandaging my wounds and getting ready to help others bandage theirs? I ask because you cannot help others heal their wounds if you have not worked on your personal wounds first.

Rediscover your identity

First, it is necessary to rediscover your identity because, as a result of the trauma and exhaustion we have experienced, it is likely that our vision of who we really are and what we have been created for has been clouded. Perhaps your wounds and your broken identity do not let you see the wounds of those around you. Therefore, you need to rediscover your identity and ask yourself, “What is my reason for existence?” The answer to this existential question defines the course of your life.

Your identity is not in what you do, what you possess, or your popularity. Those are broken false identities that Satan wants you to assimilate. Your identity is in who you are, not in what you do. You are a human being, created in the image of God to receive and give love. That is your identity. It is that simple. It is not complex. Your identity must be based on the love that God feels for you.

When you understand this reality, you are completely free. Free from the pressure of having to prove that you are good and have something to offer in order to be accepted by the leaders of the conference or your church, free from the pressure of proving that you have something of value according to others, free from the pressure of wanting to impress in order to be accepted by others. You are free to live in the love of God.

When you understand your personal identity, you will understand your professional and social identities too. The Bible uses different images to describe your professional identity. You are a shepherd of sheep, you are a priest, a prophet, a minister of the Most High. What greater responsibility is there than that?

How do you rediscover your identity?

You need to slow down your life and focus on connecting to Jesus, the source of life and power. You need to develop a structure in your life where the most important thing for you is to live connected to God. In order to achieve this, we need to set clear limits so that the church and the pressures of life do not occupy the space that belongs to God in our lives. Something more practical is to take time to rest and be in solitude.

I am not talking about the spiritual rest on Saturday, that day is the one when we work the most. I am talking about choosing another day of the week to rest and recharge your emotional, physical, and spiritual batteries. It is the structure established by God. He worked six days and then he rested. He gave us the day to work and the night to rest. But we believe that the more we work, the more we achieve. If you are still immersed in that trap of Satan, your identity is revolving around your achievements and popularity.

Do you want to know what you can do in order to minister even if you have broken identity? Do you want to know the ways you can give others the support, care, compassion, understanding, and comfort God has put in your hands to provide through your ministry, in such a way that you can mirror Christ’s character and ministry? I invite you to read our next posts to learn what you can do to minister regardless of your broken identity. God bless you.

If you need professional help, you can call us at (407) 559-7093 or write to Efrain.duany@floridaconference.com

How can you lead with a broken pastoral identity?

It is important to preserve a pastoral identity. Amid a crisis, how do we survive? Get up? How do we fulfill the call that God has made to us? How do I rescue my family and help my church when I am as broken as they are?

We all have history, a sad one, we are all wounded. We have emotional, physical, or spiritual wounds.

I like the question that Henri Nouwen raises in his book The Wounded Healer. The main question is not how we can hide our wounds for fear of being ashamed, but how we can put our woundedness at the service of others.

This is the opposite of everything we have been taught in the seminary. We have been trained to hide our wounds, which brings us shame. And we have been encouraged to present ourselves as infallible beings who are above the pain of those we serve. We say, “my family cannot know I suffer because I have to be strong for them. My parishioners cannot know my story of pain and shame because I am going to lose influence on them. My conference leaders cannot know that I have mental health problems, that I am depressed, anxious, and have panic attacks. I have to hide my history, my injuries.”

A new concept to keep a pastoral identity

Today, I challenge that concept and present something revolutionary. I can rewrite my history of shame. My history of wounds, trauma, exhaustion and mental health problems does not need to be hidden. My history does not have to continue to be a history of shame. Jesus died on the cross so that what has caused me shame can be used by God as a source of healing for those around me.

Jesus is the healer of human wounds sent by God: “by his wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5). His suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation was brought to glory. The rejection he suffered brought a community of love and grace. As followers of Jesus, we can also allow our wounds to be a source of healing for others.

The same way the Father sent Jesus with a mission that through His wounds, others can receive healing, Jesus sends us, as John 20:21 says, so that through our wounds, others can come out of the shame produced by their histories, their wounds, and may achieve healing.

A teaching from an old legend

Nouwen retells an old legend from the Talmud (Sanhedrin 98a) that can help us understand this concept. In my own words:

Rabbi Joshua ben Levi once asked the prophet Elijah when the Messiah would come. Elijah told him to go and ask the Messiah himself, and explained where to find Him: sitting among the poor at the gates of the city, covered in wounds.

There is one difference. The poor around Him unwrap all their bandages at once and then wrap them again, but the Messiah unwraps and rewraps one wound at a time. He thinks that perhaps someone will need Him, and He must be ready so that He is never late to help another person bandage their wounds.

The Messiah, the old legend tells us, is sitting among the poor, bandaging their wounds one at a time, always ready for the moment when He can be called to serve. The same happens with us.

God has sent us to work on our wounds first, with a broken identity, and then to help others bandage their wounds.

What is the process to bandage my wounds and be ready to help others bandage theirs? I ask because you cannot help others heal their wounds if you have not worked on your wounds first.

Rediscover your pastoral identity

First, it is necessary to rediscover your identity because, as a result of the trauma and exhaustion brought on by difficult seasons, it is likely that our vision of who we are and what we have created has been clouded. Perhaps your wounds and your broken identity do not let you see the wounds of those around you. Therefore, you need to rediscover your identity and ask yourself, “What is my reason for existence?” The answer to this existential question defines the course of your life.

Your pastoral identity is not in what you do, what you possess, or your popularity. Those are broken false identities that Satan wants you to assimilate. Your pastoral identity is in who you are, not in what you do. You are a human being, created in the image of God to receive and give love. That is your pastoral identity. It is that simple. It is not complex. Your identity must be based on the love that God feels for you.

When you understand this reality, you are completely free. Free from the pressure of having to prove that you are good and have something to offer in order to be accepted by the leaders of the conference or your church, free from the pressure of proving that you have something of value according to others, free from the pressure of wanting to impress to be accepted by others. You are free to live in the love of God.

When you understand your identity, you will understand your professional and social identities too. Keep in mind, that the Bible uses different images to describe your professional identity: You are a shepherd of sheep, you are a priest, a prophet, a minister of the Highest. What greater responsibility is there than that?

How do you rediscover your pastoral identity?

You just need to slow down your life and focus on connecting to Jesus, the source of life and power. You need to develop a structure in your life, where the most important thing for you is to live connected to God. To achieve this, we need to set clear limits so that the church and the pressures of life do not occupy the space that belongs to God in our lives. A more practical solution is to take time to rest and be in solitude.

I am not talking about the spiritual rest on Saturday because that day is the one when we work the most. I am talking about choosing another day of the week to rest and recharge your emotional, physical, and spiritual batteries. It is the structure established by God. He worked six days and then he rested. He gave us a day to work and a night to rest. But we believe that the more we work, the more we achieve. If you are still immersed in that trap of Satan, your identity revolves around your achievements and popularity.

Rest is not a reward for those who have finished everything. It is a way of remembering whom we belong to. When you step back, even for a few hours, you give Jesus room to remind you that you are loved before you have accomplished anything. From that place of rest, your wounds no longer have to be hidden. They can become a gentle doorway through which others find hope. You do not have to carry the ministry alone, and you do not have to carry your pain alone either. If the weight feels too heavy, please reach out to a trusted friend or a professional. May God bless you as you rediscover who you are in Him.

The impact of stress on our identity

The World Health Organization (2025) reports that one in five people (22%) who have experienced war or conflict in the previous 10 years has depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia.

Pastors are experiencing a great amount of stress and exhaustion, and some of them are even leaving the ministry. Pastoral identity is part of the problem.

What we know about stress in pastors

The struggle to clarify one’s identity creates stress that has very real consequences for the pastors’ health and the churches they serve. Many pastors describe long hours, constant availability, conflict and loneliness as burdens of ministry. In January 2026, Barna reported that 24% of senior Protestant pastors in the United States had seriously considered leaving full-time ministry in the past year. That is lower than the roughly two in five Barna found in 2022, but Barna also notes that a meaningful minority of leaders still feel close to the edge.
According to the Mayo Clinic, job burnout is a type of stress linked to work. It includes being worn out physically or emotionally, and it may also involve feeling useless, powerless and empty.

Burnout, a special type of work-related stress

This burnout occurs when the results you get do not meet your expectations for an extended period of time. If you think burnout is a sign of weakness, think again. The symptoms of fatigue, being overwhelmed, insomnia, irritability, anxiety, sadness, and depression are simply the fire alarms. They activate in your body to tell you to turn them off before you burn. To understand this problem, it is necessary to understand how stress works.

Stress is the body’s way of dealing with events that change or threaten to change the world around us.

Robert M. Sapolsky, in his book “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” explains stress in terms of balance: a stressor is anything in the outside world that disturbs the body’s balance, and the stress response is what the body does to restore it[1].

Sapolsky uses the example of a zebra on the African plains. If the zebra thinks it hears, sees, or smells a lion, a stress response is triggered, sending it into fight or flight mode.

The first thing the zebra’s body does is mobilize the bodily functions it needs in order to survive. This happens when the hypothalamus in the brain sends chemicals through the body to respond to the stressor, and hormones are released into the bloodstream.

Blood pressure increases so that if the zebra has to run, the body is ready. The body’s energy reserves are opened, so the zebra can keep running. At the same time, there is an “additional storage inhibition” of new energy. In other words, the body stops doing anything that uses a lot of energy so that all energy is available to escape.

The same process takes place when a pastor feels stress

This may be due to having a lot of work, conflicts with a leader, a situation that he does not know how to handle, or a broken family relationship. But the interesting thing about all this is that the pastor’s brain makes no distinction between the false factors that produce stress or the real ones, like the lions that will eat the zebra.

People can feel stress by two types of lions: external and internal. External stressors are things that are out of the person’s control. These include: a new job, health problems, pain, tense relationships, uncertainty about the future, a person harassing or attacking them, or even, of course, real lions. It can also include another person’s stress because humans, like zebras, pick up on and react to the stress of others.

Internal stressors, on the other hand, come from within the person’s thoughts or actions. These could include destructive personality traits, undisciplined thoughts and concerns, suspicions, unhealthy eating and exercise habits, the inability to say “no,” a need to make other people like you, or perfectionism.

Stress and exhaustion

If stress is hyper-attention and a response to stressors in a person’s life, then exhaustion is the opposite effect. Exhaustion is when the body and mind can no longer respond to stressors. A person’s emotions and stress responses turns off. Exhaustion is often described in the literature because of its differences compared to stress.

Researcher Anne Jackson compares both in several ways. If stress is being overly committed, then exhaustion is disconnection.

Stress affects physical energy, while exhaustion affects motivation and drive.[2]

Stress produces a loss of fuel and energy, while exhaustion produces a loss of ideals and hope.

It is this exhaustion that leads the pastor to develop an identity crisis. In this crisis, his identity breaks and his heart wounds until he loses all of his strength. It is this exhaustion that leads you to an existential void and to wonder if it is worth it to keep fighting or to throw in the towel.

Furthermore, it is this exhaustion that leads you to disconnect emotionally from your wife or children and eventually lose them. It leads you to use pornography, to commit adultery, and it leads you to lack of motivation and loss of interest. Physical exhaustion produces an identity crisis in the pastor, resulting in a broken identity.

Symptoms of a broken identity

If you suffer from a broken identity, you might:

Feel distracted and unmotivated
Experience a feeling of disorientation and lack of direction.
Develop a negative perspective of yourself, the world, and your future.
Feel anguish over not knowing what your vital purpose is.
Have a general feeling of dissatisfaction, regardless of how things are going in your life.
Find it difficult to make decisions because you do not know what you really want.
Feel instability or emotional exhaustion, as though you do not know what you want.
Fear the future because you cannot see it clearly.
Feel unable to face changes that are occurring in your life.

If you have these symptoms, it is time for you to stop for a bit and perhaps seek professional help.

[1] Robert M. Sapolsky, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress- Related Diseases, and Coping (New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2004).

[2] Anne Jackson, Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2009), 95.

Sources

World Health Organization. (2025, May 6). Mental health in emergencies. WHO. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-in-emergencies
Barna Group. (2026, January 27). Pastors quitting ministry: New Barna data shows a shift. https://www.barna.com/trends/pastors-quitting-ministry-barna-data/
Mayo Clinic. Job burnout: How to spot it and take action (syndicated copy of the Mayo Clinic article).
Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. St. Martin’s Griffin. Jackson, A. (2009). Mad Church Disease. Zondervan.

Do not fall into the trap of a false identity

Cuaderno abierto con un lápiz sobre una mesa de madera

Today, identity is a topic found everywhere. The lack of clarity about identity, and the identity crisis that many people experience, can lead them to fall into the trap of a false identity: they pretend to be something that they are not. Satan wants you to pretend to be what you are not. He knows that your identity in Christ will make you someone he cannot defeat, and that is why he tries his best to make you develop a false identity.

Three temptations that Satan offered Jesus and the false identity

Pastor and author Peter Scazzero, in his writing on emotionally healthy leadership, reflects on the three temptations that Satan offered Jesus after He was baptized, during His 40 days of fasting (Luke 4:1-13). These are the same three temptations, or false identities, that we experience today, and they can lead us into an identity crisis.

1. I am what I do (Achievements)

In Luke 4:1-4, Satan told Jesus to turn stones into bread so that He could prove He was God’s Son. Those who minister from a broken identity find their identity in what they do.

They find their identity and dignity at work, in what they accomplish, and in how they perform. Our culture asks us what goals we have achieved in life, how useful we have proved to be, and what our job is. Many people consider themselves valuable only if they have achieved significant success in family, work, school, church, and relationships.

For example, the pastor who does not have a well-defined identity and thinks that his pastoral identity is defined by his performance will question his identity, especially when he does not reach the number of members attending on Saturdays, or the number of people he believes he needs to have to be a successful pastor.

Or, if he does not reach the number of tithes or baptisms, or the administrative position in the conference that he has longed for so long, he will question his identity because, for him, it is focused on his performance and not on the call that God has given him.

2. I am what I have (Possessions)

In Luke 4:5-8, Satan told Jesus that he would give Him everything he showed Him if He worshiped him. “I am what I possess” is part of the dominant idea of personal identity today. We define ourselves by what we possess, whether things we own or the earthly things with which we fill our lives.

Advertising works hard to convince even children and teenagers that their identity depends on certain toys, clothes, or devices, and as adults we keep measuring ourselves by comparison. I am a good pastor if I have a big church. I am a good pastor if I work in the conference offices because I got to the place where I wanted to be. I am a good pastor if I have a doctorate, a good car, and a good house, and if my children have gotten a good university degree.

3. I am what others think I am (Popularity)

In Luke 4:9-13, Satan told Jesus to jump off the pinnacle of the temple, inviting Him to let popularity define His ministry. When we get carried away by popularity, we let other people’s opinions define who we are. Our self-image is elevated by a compliment and devastated by criticism. These are primary markers that the world, influenced by Satan, uses to measure success.

Hence humanity uses these same things to define itself and its self-esteem. This does not mean that what we do, what we minister, or what our testimony is to others is not important. But at the center of our being, these things are not part of the identity God has given us.

Many of us give more value to what others think than to what Jesus thinks of us. Living with a broken identity can show up as fear, manipulation, possessiveness, self-promotion, and self-destruction.

Maybe we remain trapped in a pretend life out of an unhealthy concern for what other people think. We define our identity based on the “likes” or followers we have on social networks. We define the success of our worship service based on the number of people watching our programs online. In other words, we believe that if we are popular in church and followed by many people, then we are a good pastor.

If the pressure to prove yourself leaves you anxious or exhausted, it is wise to talk with someone you trust, and also with a counselor. Faith and professional care can work together.

In which of these three areas, what you do, what you have, or what others think, do you feel the strongest pull to define who you are?

What is identity? – Ministering with a broken identity

Let’s see an identity problem example. On August 31, 2004, at 5:00 A.M., a Burger King employee in Richmond Hill, Georgia, found Kyle unconscious, naked, and lying on the ground behind a restaurant dumpster. Kyle’s skull had several injuries from being punched. He was taken to St. Joseph’s/Candler Hospital’s Emergency Room in Savannah. He did not have any identification with him, and he was admitted to the hospital as “Burger King Doe.” Kyle was diagnosed with severe amnesia.

He did not remember anything about him. Eventually, he recalled a first name, Benjaman, and he came to be known as Benjaman Kyle. But he did not remember anything else. He did not remember his social security number, or anything regarding his family, background, or job. His entire life was erased in the blink of an eye. There was no report of a stolen car, and hotels in the area had no recordings in which he could be seen. Two weeks later, he was transferred to the Memorial Health University Medical Center.

A case of an identity problem

This case was known throughout the country and was featured on several television programs, in hopes that someone would know who he was. Even the FBI was asked to help, without any luck. Dr. Phil dedicated an entire TV episode to him and also launched a private investigation to find out who this man was, but it did not provide any information.

Years later, a nurse who met him in a care center took an interest in his story and began to help him. Kyle could not work nor receive social welfare because he did not have any type of identification. Several requests were made to the state so that he could get a new social security number, but it was all in vain. For many years, he was homeless.

In 2015, a team of genetic genealogists used his DNA to trace his family tree and located relatives. In September 2015, he announced that his identity had been established; his birth name, William Burgess Powell, became public later, and he was born on August 29, 1948.

What if this happened to you

Now imagine if this happened to you, that your whole identity was erased, that one Saturday you went to church to minister, something dramatic happened, and you lost all knowledge of who you are, an identity crisis in which you lose your past, your present, and what your future will be. Imagine going through this for eleven years. This is exactly what Satan wants to do with us.

He wants to distort our identity, to break it. Satan cannot destroy God, but how does he attack and destroy what God has created? He attacks God’s creatures’ identity since if he distorts it, he will destroy the essence of who they are, especially when we talk about pastoral identity.

Many pastors are experiencing an identity crisis. They are not clear on who they are or what their functions require. This lack of clarity jeopardizes both pastors and their congregations. Currently, pastors are shepherding on what we call a broken identity.

In this series of posts dedicated to the pastoral ministry, I want to address the concept of identity, the impact stress has on it, and, at the end of this article, we will talk about how to lead with a broken identity.

What does identity mean?

To understand what I mean by “pastors ministering with a broken identity,” we need to understand what identity is and how it works.

In its simplest form, we could say that “identity” is the way people see themselves in several contexts. It is from this concept that people have of themselves that they act, react, and behave.

Identity theorist psychologists Peter Burke and Jan Stets define identity through that set of meanings that define what a person is when he/she plays a particular role in society when he/she is a member of a particular group or claims to have particular characteristics that identify him/her as a unique person.[1]

God has given us an identity in Christ, one to which we can continue giving shape day by day on our journey to heaven. If in the process of identity formation, we ignore what God says about who we are, then we can expect to experience existential confusion and crisis.

Origin of our identity

Immediately after our birth, we receive an identity. The formation of that, however, is a long process. It is influenced by many factors, as we will see in this post. It is interesting to see that when Jesus was approximately thirty years old, the Father mentioned His identity at His baptism, just before entering His pastoral ministry. In the same way, identity in Christ must precede and support our call to go to Christ.

It is in this sense that Satan challenges each one of us, the same way he did with our Lord, leading to an identity crisis. The first attacks of the devil against Jesus were directed at His identity: “If you are the Son of God.” Once we accept the false identity that Satan wants to impose on us, our performance in the ministry will be clouded, and we will develop a broken pastoral identity.

Your life script influences your identity. Your life script begins to be written in your earliest years. It is influenced by the mandates, orders, emotional dynamics, and the psychosocial environment in which you grew up.

Your life script is the foundation of who you are as a person and defines your identity.

Levels of identity

Your identity can be conscious or unconscious. However, the truth is that it has a very strong influence on your behavior. Your behavior, your emotions, and reactions come from the sense of identity you may have. Since they are part of the life script you have stored in your unconscious. Identity is developed on three levels.

Firstly, pastors have a personal identity. It is centered on who we are in Christ, as children of God and stewards of His kingdom.
Second, pastors have role identities related to their jobs or responsibilities. That is a pastoral identity which is defined by the word of God. But it can be under the influence of the pastor’s life script. That is the context in which he develops his life, and his culture.
Third, the pastor has a social identity that is developed around the people close to him.

If we look at it from this perspective, we can say that a pastor has multiple identities. But there is one that is the foundation of the other identities he may have. That is the one that he receives in Jesus. He is a human being created by God, redeemed, and a citizen of His kingdom.

[1] Peter J. Burke and Jan E. Stets, Identity Theory (New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2009).

Further reading on pastoral identity: M. Craig Barnes, The Pastor as Minor Poet: Texts and Subtexts in the Ministerial Life (Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans, 2009).

Mental Health in Times of Crisis: What Long Stress Does and How to Care for Yourself

Stress that lasts a few days is one thing. Stress that stretches over months, with no clear end, is another. It wears on the mind, the body, and the spirit, and many of us have lived through seasons like that, whether from illness, financial strain, a family crisis, or a world that feels uncertain.

In this article I want to explain, in plain words, what a long period of stress can do to mental health, and what you can do about it. I will also share what the Bible offers, without ever telling you that struggling means your faith is weak.

What long stress does to the body and mind

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) explains that when stress or anxiety persists and begins to interfere with your life, “You could experience problems with sleeping, or with your immune, digestive, cardiovascular, and reproductive systems.” It can also raise the risk of anxiety disorders or depression.

The World Health Organization (WHO) says that people who are exposed to adverse circumstances are at higher risk of developing a mental health condition. It also names factors that protect: positive social interactions and strong community ties.

My view as a pastor, not a diagnosis: some worry is natural when life is uncertain. But when fear or sadness will not lift, or when it keeps you from sleeping, working, or enjoying people, it deserves care.

Anxiety and depression

Feeling anxious in a crisis is a human reaction, not a spiritual defect. Anxiety and depression can show up together or separately, and either one can make ordinary days feel heavy. Both are treatable health conditions, and you do not have to carry them in silence.

Burnout

The WHO describes burn-out as a syndrome that results from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It names three dimensions: feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion, increased mental distance from one’s job or feelings of negativism or cynicism about it, and reduced professional efficacy.

The WHO uses the term for the work setting, but many caregivers, parents and volunteers describe a similar exhaustion. In my view, if you feel constantly drained, irritable, or hopeless and rest does not seem to help, take it seriously and talk to someone.

Loneliness

Being cut off from the people we love hurts. The WHO reported in June 2025 that 1 in 6 people worldwide is affected by loneliness, and that lonely people are twice as likely to become depressed. Staying connected, even in small ways, is part of caring for your mental health.

A pastoral observation, not from a study: screens can help us stay in touch, but they are not always a substitute for a face, a voice, or a hug. Use them to connect, not to hide.

Eating disorders

The NIMH says: “Eating disorders are serious illnesses marked by severe disturbances in a person’s eating behaviors.” It also says they “can be treated successfully,” and that seeking help early matters. In my view, stress and isolation can make these struggles harder, so if you or someone you love is having difficulty with food or body image, please do not wait for it to pass on its own.

How to care for yourself

These are first steps, not a replacement for professional care. The NIMH suggests simple habits: “Just 30 minutes of walking every day can boost your mood and improve your health.” Eat regular meals and stay hydrated. Keep a sleep schedule. Remind yourself daily of things you are grateful for. Reach out to friends or family who can offer emotional support.

My own suggestions as a pastor: step outside when you can, pray slowly, and spend time with people who bring you peace.

When to ask a professional for help

The NIMH advises seeking professional help if you are experiencing severe or distressing symptoms that have lasted 2 weeks or more, such as losing interest in things you usually enjoy or having trouble sleeping. A good first step is to talk with your primary care provider.

Counseling and psychotherapy offer a safe place to understand what you are facing and to build coping skills. Asking for help is not weakness. It is caring for the life God entrusted to you.

Drawing near to God

For me, the most important step is to draw near to God. Recognize him as your Creator and Savior, set aside time to read the Bible, pray, and tell him your worries. Paul writes: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7, NIV)

This is not a command to feel nothing. It is an invitation to bring everything to him. David also knew the weight of worry: “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalm 94:19, NIV) Praying and getting professional help are not opposites; they can go together.

What is one small thing you could do this week to care for your mind and your heart?

Sources

National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). I’m so stressed out! Fact sheet. NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/so-stressed-out-fact-sheet
National Institute of Mental Health. (2026, April). Caring for your mental health. NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
National Institute of Mental Health. (2024, December). Eating disorders. NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/eating-disorders
World Health Organization. (2026, September 11). Mental health. WHO. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-strengthening-our-response
World Health Organization. (2019, May 28). Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases. WHO. https://www.who.int/news/item/28-05-2019-burn-out-an-occupational-phenomenon-international-classification-of-diseases
World Health Organization. (2025, June 30). Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death. WHO. https://www.who.int/news/item/30-06-2025-social-connection-linked-to-improved-heath-and-reduced-risk-of-early-death
New International Version. (2011). Philippians 4:6-7. BibleGateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+4%3A6-7&version=NIV
New International Version. (2011). Psalm 94:19. BibleGateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+94%3A19&version=NIV