Addictions are invisible enemies that can destroy everything in their way: marriages, families, jobs, and the legacy of an entire life in a matter of months. And even though we often associate addiction with substances such as alcohol or drugs, or with gambling, compulsive sexual behavior can also be deeply damaging.
I have seen many homes deeply hurt by sexual addiction, which puts the couple at emotional, spiritual and physical risk. Not only are the principles of a sacred union such as marriage in danger, but it also exposes the other partner to several sexual illnesses.
In an over-sexualized world, it is getting more and more difficult to find the boundaries between what is adequate and what is not. The line that has been drawn by our God to practice sex as an encounter of deep love and trust has been blurred over the years.
Estimates of how common compulsive sexual behavior is vary widely between studies, and professionals still debate how to define and name it. So, how can you recognize when sexual behavior has become compulsive and is causing harm? I want to talk to you about this next.
What is sexual addiction?
As I mentioned before, addictions come in many forms. But why or what are they specifically? The easiest way to explain what addictions are is that they are pathological attractions to a place, thing, or even a person.
These addictions are actually unconscious attempts to find something that is outside of us. Something we believe we need so that we can feel complete. This is why if you ask any addict why he/she abuses drugs, he/she will tell you that they do it to feel relaxed, to escape from reality, to forget, etc.
Addictions have many contributing factors, including family history, genetics, upbringing and life experiences.
However, change is possible for many people, and help is available. Nobody is meant to live in suffering, and facing this is a challenge that does not have to be faced alone.
Understanding the sexual addiction cycle
One way to understand how an addiction advances little by little is to look at the stages of a cycle. These are the stages:
First stage: Use
The first stage in an addiction is when someone starts to abuse a substance or behavior. A person with an alcohol problem may abuse alcohol; a person with compulsive sexual behavior, sex. Family members may notice this behavior, but the person may not, and may insist that the worrying is exaggerated.
Second stage: Payment
For the second stage, addicts obtains a type of reward from the consumption or practice of the addiction, whether it is a relaxing feeling, euphoria, peace, or excitement.
Third stage: Negative consequences
No matter how good an addiction might make you feel, that pleasure is momentary and will last only a short period of time, since, one it is over, negative consequences follow. Denial is one of the most powerful mechanisms in addiction. According to them, there are no bad consequences for their bodies or souls.
Justifying and minimizing their acts might also be mechanisms that appear, since for an addict, his/her addiction is just a means to obtain something, or he/she believes that they can control it.
Fourth stage: Negative feelings
Shame, guilt, fear, and anger are some of the most common feelings I have seen in people I have worked with in this fourth stage. They can appear in conscious and unconscious ways, but regardless, the person suffers, and if he/she does not get help from his/her loved ones, he/she will repeat the cycle over and over again.
The sexual addiction nightmare
Sexual addiction consists of the compulsion to practice sexual acts, whether alone or with someone else. There are many ways in which sexual addiction can manifest, one more harmful than the other.
For example, there are people who are addicted to masturbating compulsively, or who watch pornography regardless of the time or the place. People who have compulsive sex with prostitutes or multiple unknown partners also suffer from sexual addiction.
I do not have to elaborate on how these behaviors can destroy a marriage. But, what I do have to elaborate on is how this specific addiction can silently contaminate an individual for years.
As a husband or wife, it might take months before you notice that your partner is addicted to pornography because, usually, part of the addiction consists of hiding it from everyone else.
How to recognize the signs of sexual addiction
Sexual compulsive behaviors are a risk for the addict and his/her surroundings. They could show signs such as the following, which are not a diagnosis on their own:
- Inability to stop the behavior, and provide excuses for it
- Won’t settle for a monogamous sexual life or conventional sex
- Tendency to sexualize other people and situations that are not sexual
- Spend a large amount of money pursuing and continuing the activity
- Feelings of excessive euphoria when in contact with the stimulus
- The need to elevate the danger or severity of the sexual behavior
Unconscious needs that drive sexual addiction
In my professional experience, behind an addiction there is often a personal story. Some people who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior have a history of painful or traumatic experiences in childhood or adolescence; for them, sex can become a way of trying to feel in control.
The feeling of helplessness in these cases can be very strong. This does not mean that survivors of sexual abuse become promiscuous or develop compulsive sexual behavior: many do not. For some survivors, sexual behavior can become tangled with a need to feel in control, and trauma-informed therapy can help.
Compulsive sexual behavior is often tied to unmet emotional needs, and these differ from person to person. A professional can help you understand yours.
Where to find help
The power addicts think they get through sex is fake and ephemeral. Fake, because sex is not a tool to subjugate and show the courage or strength a person has. Ephemeral, because in the same way it is gotten easily, it will also easily lead to remorse and guilt.
Faith can be a source of strength and hope on the path to healing, and it works best alongside professional care, not in place of it. Help can include therapy, support groups and, when needed, a medical evaluation. If you are a partner affected by this, you also deserve support and a health checkup. What is one step you could take this week to ask for help?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If you suspect child abuse
Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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