Chapter 8 defines neuroplasticity as “the brain’s ability to change and adapt throughout our lives.” In simple terms, it adds, it is “the brain’s ability to reorganize itself and form new neural connections in response to experience and learning.”
Why old habits are hard to leave
The chapter explains why couples repeat the same mistakes, in everyday language rather than technical detail: “The brain will always try to take the path that offers the least resistance.” It credits neuroscientist Donald Hebb (1949) with the principle that neurons activated together become connected, and draws this from it: “if a network of neurons is activated often, it will get stronger every day.” The reverse also holds, in its words: a network that is not used often is replaced by another one that is. This is the book’s plain-language picture of the brain. It is not a timetable for change, and it is not a promise that change will be quick or automatic.
Where faith and professional help meet
The chapter is written from a Christian view, and it is direct about the limits of prayer alone. Using a heart as its picture: “God has the power to heal that sick heart. But, when the situation of that heart is very complex, the intervention of a cardiologist is needed to act in the process.” Then it applies the picture to the mind: “God can renew and heal your mind, but when the damage from trauma is so severe that professional help is needed, God intervenes to use a mental health professional in the process of emotional healing.”
Safety first. If you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises below. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). Use a safe device, one your partner cannot see or check. In immediate danger, call 911.
Four practices in the chapter
Slow breathing. The chapter teaches 4-7-8 breathing: “Breathe in for a count of 4 seconds.” “Hold your breath for a count of 7 seconds.” “Breathe out through your mouth for a count of 8 seconds.” If you feel dizzy or more anxious, stop and go back to your normal breathing.
Spiritual meditation. The book suggests reading a Bible passage aloud, such as 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, and choosing a key word or phrase to return to. It describes the aim like this: “it is about being aware of the thoughts that arise and redirecting them to something more constructive and positive.”
Creative visualization. The chapter defines it as “the practice of imagining positive and constructive mental images, rather than the negative and destructive images that often naturally come to mind.” In one exercise you picture a garden with a fountain, drop each negative emotion into the water and watch it vanish, then picture receiving a positive emotion “as a gift from God.”
A gratitude journal as a couple. The idea was that “each night, before bedtime, they would write down together three things they are grateful for about each other.” The chapter suggests doing it “for twenty-one days in a row” and then noticing how you feel.
If any exercise stirs up distress, stop and talk it over with a licensed therapist. If you live with OCD or compulsive rituals, do not turn breathing, meditation or visualization into a ritual to repeat until it feels “right”; talk with a licensed professional first.
Keep reading
Chapter 9 gives the book’s seven principles: “In this chapter I will share seven principles that Ian and Cary began to live by in their healing process.” In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.
Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).
This article is education, not therapy. Results vary. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.
Keep reading
Emotional IntelligenceAnxiety in the Middle of the Storm
There are seasons when your heart beats faster and you can't say why. You sleep badly, your mind circles, and the…
Spiritual growthBe a Champion (3 lessons to win in life)
No one wants to be a loser in life. We all want to win. We want to be a champion. As I was getting ready to talk to…
MarriageThere is no intimacy without vulnerability
Intimacy is the basis for us to be able to know God and our neighbors, which also includes our spouses. But it is…