Do you know ways to move forward on the path to emotional maturity in adults? I am going to share some of them in this article.
Have you ever seen a foal, or a calf being born? If you have not seen it in person, maybe you have seen it on the Discovery Channel. It usually takes place in an open field or a stable. The mother does not need emotional maturity. She does not have to go to the hospital so that her baby can be born in the hands of a doctor. She does not have an operating table when she gives birth, nobody helps her, and she manages to give birth just through her instincts.
Almost immediately, when the creature is born, it struggles to stand on all fours. Its legs shake, but it manages to continue. No one teaches it how to walk, and it does not have to wait a whole year to learn how to do it. It just happens minutes after being born. No one teaches it where it must go to get food or how to survive, either. It all happens by instinct.
Emotional maturity in adults
When we were born, it was all very different. How I would have liked to run right after being born! How I would have liked to have known how to defend myself without depending on my mother! Or how I would have liked to have learned how to relate to others without my parents’ help! None of this happened the way it does for many animals. But animals do not have what we have, a mind. The human brain contains billions of neurons and an extraordinary capacity to learn.
But there is a problem. The use of a child’s mind will depend on his or her development. The child needs to learn throughout life how to use the mind and how to develop it. Through the influence of parents and school, that child will grow to use the most important organ of the human body powerfully. Each time a child learns something new, the brain builds new connections.
Our actions, whether good or bad, begin in the mind. It is with the mind that we think, choose, feel, and worship God.
Emotional maturity in adults is reflected in managing emotions
One of the main functions of the mind is managing emotions. Emotions are reactions to the different experiences we have in life. Just as the mind develops and grows, we must learn how to manage our emotions so that emotional maturity can be reached.
The problem is that emotional maturity does not always correspond to chronological age (chronological age is a way to measure the time a person has lived). Imagine a man who is 52 years old: that is his chronological age. His emotional age may not be at the same level. He could be 52 years old and still react like an emotional child, because chronological and emotional age do not always go together. And if an adult has not grown emotionally, he may be emotionally unhealthy.
The emotionally unhealthy adult
I like how Peter Scazzero develops this concept in his book The Emotionally Healthy Leader. He asks, what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of an emotionally unhealthy adult?
- An emotional and spiritual deficit that has an impact on all aspects of his or her life. Those deficits are mainly shown through a generalized lack of sensitivity.
- Emotionally unhealthy adults are involved in more activities than their spiritual, physical, and emotional reserves combined can support. They give more than they receive.
Characteristics of an emotionally unhealthy adult
It is said that an adult is emotionally unhealthy when he or she:
- Has low levels of self-awareness
- Does not pay attention to the emotions his or her body might be sending
- Does not pay attention to his or her family
- Is unable to read his or her emotional world and those of others
- Gives priority to work, studies, tasks, etc., rather than marriage and singleness
- Does not have a vision of his or her marriage or singleness as the greatest gift he or she has
- Makes decisions without thinking about their impact on his or her marriage or singleness
- Is chronically overextended, always occupied in God’s service or serving others, and neglects his or her relationship with them
- Lives without boundaries
- Lacks rhythm between work and rest
These are patterns that all of us show at times. They are not labels for people and they are not a diagnosis. If you recognize yourself in some of them, take it as an invitation to grow, not as a verdict.
Emotional maturity in adults
Emotional maturity is not something that comes automatically through the years, and it is not something you learn only in school. It begins to be learned in our own homes, from our earliest years. The emotional patterns you live with are often the same ones that have run in your family for generations.
You may find yourself at a level of emotional maturity similar to your parents’, because they were the first role models you had for expressing your emotions. That does not mean you are stuck there. With awareness, practice, and support, people can learn to go beyond the patterns they inherited.
EMOTIONAL BABIES
Scazzero describes adults whose level of emotional maturity is very low as “emotional babies.” They have the following characteristics:
- They seek others who can take care of them
- They find it very difficult to enter other people’s world
- They are driven by the need for gratification
- They use others as objects to meet their own needs
EMOTIONAL CHILDREN
Adults whose level of emotional maturity is low are called “emotional children.” They have the following characteristics:
- Their true emotional maturity level shows quickly under pressure, disappointment, and trouble
- They interpret disagreements as personal offenses. They feel hurt very easily
- They complain, withdraw, manipulate, take revenge, and are sarcastic when they do not get what they want
- They find it very difficult to talk calmly, kindly, and maturely about their needs and the things they desire
EMOTIONAL TEENAGERS
There are also adults whose level of emotional maturity is medium, and they are called “emotional teenagers.” They have the following characteristics:
- They tend to be defensive
- They keep score of what they have given so that later they can get something in return
- They deal poorly with conflicts, generally blaming others, appeasing, going to a third person, frowning, or ignoring the topic completely
- They are mostly concerned about themselves
- They find it difficult to truly listen to the pain, disappointment, or needs of those around them
- They are critical and judgmental
EMOTIONAL ADULTS
When people reach a high level of emotional maturity in adults, they are called “emotional adults.” Their characteristics are:
- They can ask for what they need, want, or prefer in a clear, direct, and honest way
- They acknowledge, manage, and take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings
- They can, even under pressure, affirm their own beliefs and values without becoming hostile
- They respect others without trying to change them
- They give people room for mistakes and recognize that they themselves are not perfect
- They appreciate people just the way they are, and not for what they receive in exchange
- They evaluate their limits, strengths, and weaknesses with precision and are able to discuss them freely with others
- They are satisfied and happy when they receive what they want
- They are deeply in harmony with their emotional world and are able to enter other people’s feelings, needs, and concerns without losing themselves
- They can solve a conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider other people’s perspectives
So far, I have shown that our emotional maturity in adults is not tied to our chronological age, and that it is closely connected to our spiritual growth.
Spiritual and emotional maturity in adults
I was unaware of this reality for many years. I thought that my emotional maturity had nothing to do with my spiritual maturity, and that I could grow spiritually without having to consider my emotions. Furthermore, I also thought that emotions were merely a part of the human body and that there was nothing we could do to learn how to express them correctly.
When I started to develop as a church leader, I remember that I tried to stay connected with God, to build my intimacy with Him. But, when it came to expressing my emotions and relating to others, I had serious problems. I expected people to have the same level of commitment I had. If people did not fulfill their commitments, they had to listen to my reprimand. I put them on my blacklist and disconnected from them. I almost got an ulcer from living this way, until God showed me how wrong I had been throughout my whole life.
Certainly, we cannot walk through life as emotional babies or teenagers who are upset about everything that happens around them or about other people’s actions. We must grow in our emotional maturity, which will also lead us toward spiritual maturity with the help of the Holy Spirit. As we grow toward the maturity of an “emotional adult,” we are better able to build relationships based on respect, consideration, and empathy for others.
Let’s work for emotional maturity in adults
I invite you today to take the initiative to walk the path to emotional and spiritual maturity. Decide to see others through the eyes of love, respect, thoughtfulness, and empathy. But do not forget to see yourself through those same eyes because we tend to neglect our inner world. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you keep growing emotionally and spiritually. Read God’s Word and you will find many life lessons that will enrich your inner world. Some patterns we learned in childhood are hard to change alone, and a counselor or pastor can walk with you.
Which one of these patterns would you like to start changing this week, and who can support you?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader.
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