Chapter 7 begins: “From the first moment Ian and Cary came to my office, they lamented their unhappiness.” The author’s next move: “Now, I was going to invite them to intentionally and consciously LAMENT (L), because lamenting has very positive effects on regulating our emotions.”
What lament is
The chapter separates lament from ordinary sadness: “biblical lament is much deeper than this. It is not just an expression of deep emotion; it is an expression to a specific person, God.” It adds that “Lamentation, then, is about release, about letting painful emotions flow.”
It also says that “To lament is to accept that the experience we are going through is beyond the resources we have at our disposal.” And it names a shift in how we see ourselves: “we are not the problem. The problem is the problem.”
Naming the need under the feeling
The chapter borrows from Schema Therapy five basic emotional needs: to feel secure; to be autonomous, feel competent and have a sense of identity; the freedom to express our needs and emotions; to act spontaneously and play; and to have realistic limits. It then pairs feelings with needs: “If you are angry, is it protection against an offense?” “If you are sad, is it contact or comfort?” “If you are scared, is it safety, escape, or relief?”
The book places this step in prayer. It says: “To lament is to bring our negative emotions and misfortunes to the cross.”
Exchanging one emotion for another
The chapter draws on Greenberg’s principle that “a maladaptive emotion state can be transformed most effectively when it is replaced with another stronger or more adaptive emotion.”
In the session the chapter reproduces, Cary says to Ian: “Ian, I can’t remember the last time you held me and kissed me. I need you to make me feel safe in your arms.” Ian says: “I long for her to affirm me and see my value as her husband and respect me.”
A corrective emotional experience
The chapter says the concept “was coined by Franz Gabriel Alexander and Thomas Morton French in 1946” and rests on the idea “that one can reconstruct that traumatic memory that produces negative emotions through a corrective emotional experience with another person.”
It then describes a moment between the couple: “Something happens when one human being becomes vulnerable to another.” Cary tells Ian: “I know you are wounded too. We are both bleeding from wounds we have carried all our lives.”
Before you try any exercise: if you are hurt, threatened, controlled or afraid of your partner, skip the shared exercises. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788), and use a safe device your partner cannot see. In immediate danger, call 911.
Questions and a journal
The exercise asks: “What do I need? What is the unmet emotional need that produces a negative emotion?” and “When do I feel valuable, confident, competent, and more integrated?” It also says: “Make yourself vulnerable with that person who has earned the privilege of hearing your story.”
The chapter adapts an “Immanuel Journal,” a form of prayerful writing with five prompts: “I can see you…”, “I can hear you…”, “I understand how big this is for you”, “I am happy to be with you and I see your weakness with tenderness…”, and “I can do something about what you’re going through…”. Its last step: “Read your interaction with God out loud to someone you trust.”
A caution about the journal: it is prayerful writing, not treatment. If writing it stirs up overwhelming distress or painful memories, stop and talk with a licensed professional. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988. Do not read it to, or share it with, anyone who has hurt or threatened you.
Keep reading
Chapter 8 turns to the brain: “What is neuroplasticity? This is the brain’s ability to change and adapt throughout our lives.” In HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. each chapter gives a description of a problem, some key concepts to understand it, and practical solutions.
Dr. Efrain Duany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT-S) and the author of HEAL. LOVE. CONNECT. (Amor Seguro).
This article is education, not therapy, and results vary. It describes the book’s methods and does not promise any outcome. If you feel your relationship needs support, seek out a licensed therapist.
Keep reading
Mental healthMental Health Medication: A Tool, Not a Failure
Mental health medication can be one tool within a plan of care. Seeking it out is not a failure. It is a responsible…
Emotional IntelligenceWarning Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence
Dating and marriage violence is a reality. Courtship is a stage in the relationship in which people get to know the…
Mental healthHow to identify emotional abuse
Fear, shame, and uncertainty: all those words describe the feelings of someone who suffers or has suffered emotional…