Forgiveness in a couple: exercises and tips

Forgiveness in a couple is a thorny issue to deal with, especially in relation to timing. Keep in mind that forgiveness will not happen magically; it tends to grow as negative patterns ease, along with grudges and resentment. It is a long process in which both partners need to commit.

I would also like to remind you that there is a way out of negativity and bitterness: mistakes or failures can be forgiven, and you can continue with a strong relationship in the face of adversity. How? Here are some valuable exercises and advice.

A word of caution before you begin. These exercises are for couples who feel safe with each other. If there is violence, threats, intimidation, or control, or if one of you is afraid of the other, please do not try them on your own: safety and individual help come first. The same applies if an affair is still going on or if hidden betrayals keep coming to light; a trained professional should guide that process.

Exercises for forgiveness in a couple

If your spouse has made a mistake, or several, getting to the point of forgiveness will be a team effort. The process of forgiveness in couples is not simple, but it is possible, so I will give you these exercises:

Exercise #1: Talk sessions

Couples need to agree to communicate and to commit to the forgiveness process. To do this, I recommend that they choose a time and place where they feel comfortable. They need to turn off their cell phones or any electronic equipment that may distract them. Distractions also include children and pets, who need to be taken care of before this moment. The couple needs privacy.

When you open these talk sessions, keep in mind that venting all your frustrations at once is counterproductive. Divide the talks into different sessions with a common theme.

You both have to agree on that topic, and each one should express himself or herself in his or her own way. Agree beforehand on how long you will talk, and take a break if either of you feels overwhelmed; you can resume later. Maintain eye contact.

Exercise #2: Listen, do not interrupt

When a couple talks, it is necessary not to interrupt the person who has the floor at that moment. Perhaps one partner tends to assume that he or she is always right, so it is essential to let the other defend his or her point of view.

You have to listen to your husband or wife with an open mind and adopt an attitude of support and companionship, where you are there to listen to each other’s feelings.

However, if those feelings get the best of you, stay calm and keep your thoughts calm. One of the most important pieces of advice I have for you is to try to look at everything as fairly as you can.

Exercise #3: Practice clarity

One factor that many couples lack is the ability to speak up. They do not practice clear enough communication, so when something is uncomfortable or you do not feel you are getting what is fair, you need to talk about it, no matter how obvious it may sound or seem.

Husbands and wives are both children of God, and each one brings a different history, personality, and way of seeing things. Seek to understand how your spouse thinks and feels instead of assuming that he or she thinks like you.

Honesty, together with kindness, cannot be lacking in a healthy marriage.

Exercise #4: Forgiving small mistakes

Forgiveness in couples should be practiced daily because, even if you do not notice it at the moment, you may have done something small that hurt your partner. Today it seems insignificant, but when the negative actions accumulate, it could seriously deteriorate this bond.

When you feel hurt by something your partner did, tell him or her gently and soon, without accusations or sarcasm, speaking about how you felt. The same applies to you. When we commit offenses, we should express our regret out loud. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand how important this situation was to you. Please forgive me,” can go a long way.

It depends on the seriousness of the offense, of course, and forgiveness may not be given instantly, but this is a demonstration of goodwill. Be patient if your partner is not yet ready to forgive you.

Exercise #5: Forgive when ready

There is no point in rushing forgiveness in couples if it is not sincere. It will backfire, so when you are ready to forgive, do it. State your intentions out loud and with all your heart. The word has power, so use it.

Once you feel able to grant forgiveness, it is time to move on. Reflect together on what happened and on what needs to change, and change the behaviors that hurt. Where one person chose to betray or harm the other, that responsibility belongs to that person alone. Gratitude and affection should remain more present than ever.

How to maintain forgiveness in a couple

When you have been able to grant forgiveness in a couple, the work is not over, because forgiveness is not the end of the process. You need to keep forgiving and show that forgiveness was a step toward a better relationship.

It is an arduous task, and there may be relapses, but you will find gains in the small details. Here are some tips:

Your dates are sacred

Despite work, children, and other responsibilities, married couples need time for themselves.

I advise having at least one weekend date, just for the two of you, where you can talk and connect more deeply about your life as a married couple. Both wife and husband need to feel important in a marriage.

If work separates the two of you, use calls to stay connected.

Many couples come to my office drained after long work days, without having shared enough during the day. In that case, a call during a break does not take much time, but it can make a big change.

Talk more in bed. Going to bed early as a couple might be more beneficial than you think. If you do this, you will most likely have time to spare before you fall asleep, and in those minutes the sweetest and most intimate conversations often take place.

Final words about forgiveness in a couple

Forgiveness in a couple is constant work and a daily learning process. But I sincerely believe that the first step toward good results is to entrust ourselves to God. With His guidance and blessing, we will be on the right path.

If you want to learn more about how forgiveness influences our lives, I invite you to read my other articles as well.

What is one small act of kindness or repair you could offer your spouse this week?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

What can you do to correct your children’s bad behavior?

From the day we are born, we have many needs. In order for us to become emotionally and psychologically healthy adults, these needs must be met. From a very early age, we need to feel that our parents love us, that they are giving us a secure attachment to them, that they pay attention to us, and that we are important in their lives. But, sometimes, children are not given the attention necessary for healthy emotional and physical growth and this has both short- and long-term consequences.

When our children feel the need to get our attention because they feel it is lacking, they may move through four goals of misbehavior, which Rudolf Dreikurs described: attention, power, revenge, and finally, showing inadequacy. In Kevin Leman’s reading, each goal reflects growing discouragement. The last two are worrying and call for professional help; the positive part is that most everyday misbehavior comes from the first two, so consistent discipline can correct it.

However, first consider what discipline is. Real discipline focuses on the bad behavior itself, not the children. The focus should be on presenting consequences for those behaviors.

Regarding this matter, Dr. Kevin Leman’s book “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours” presents what he calls reality discipline. The principles below follow that approach and may be helpful.

These principles are:

Realize that your goal is to have healthy authority over your children

The authority you have over your children must be healthy, patient, and educational. I am not talking about selfish, vengeful, and controlling behavior. Our children are our mirrors, so good examples lead to good human beings. Try to let God guide you in times when your own negative feelings dominate you.

Hold your children accountable for their actions

Show your children that they are responsible for their actions and show them that you have respect for them. Never do something for your child that he/she can do for himself/herself. That homework he/she does not want to do is HIS/HER responsibility, not YOURS. That punishment or time out he/she earned in school for disrespecting a teacher is HIS/HER responsibility, not YOURS.

Be attentive to the teaching moments

Spontaneous teaching moments are always there and will change depending on the child’s age. If, for example, your child does not come down to eat when you ask him/her to do so, and he/she tries to do it one hour later, mention to him/her that lunchtime is over, and that he/she needs to wait a little longer until snack time.

Let reality be the teacher

Reality is a strict teacher. It teaches through the natural consequences of what children do, and sometimes we, as parents, want to protect our children from those consequences because we fear they will get hurt. Whenever it is safe, let them experience the consequences that fit their age, including “small things” like not tidying up their room or not washing the dishes after eating. Consequences should never put a child at risk, never mean going hungry or losing your affection, and never include physical punishment or humiliation.

Use actions, not just words, and stick to them:

Children copy what you do, so you have to start being an example for them. Actions speak louder than words, and maintaining action will lead your child to positive behavior.

Choose your battles carefully

All children are different, some of them will be more prone to certain affinities, while others are attracted to other things. So, as a parent, do not focus your attention on dealing with small things, focus on those bigger changes. What is more important, the color of the shoes that your child wants to wear or what will he/she spends his/her free time on?

Remember that relationships come before rules

We live in a world full of rules, but before those is the relationship you have with your child. Your children are your priority in life, and their well-being is all that matters when disciplining them.

One last thought

Take time to forgive because before you realize it, your child will turn 18, and you will not be able to reach him/her the same way you could when he/she was a child.

Therefore, my final advice is that you value these precious moments, that you always seek God’s guidance, get closer to your children, respect them, and make their decision-making power to count. But do it by preserving and imposing healthy limits that prepare him/her to live his/her life on his/her own in the not-too-distant future.

These recommendations can help us shape emotionally and psychologically balanced children and build an emotional bond full of love and understanding. Children need real discipline that builds a good foundation for their growth process. They also need guides and helps them follow the path to being balanced and happy adults.

These adults will form healthy and loving bonds with their own children, since this is what they learned in their own homes. God wants us to build happy and loving homes.

Is it possible to apply these principles? Do you think applying them will be difficult? Do you think that putting them into practice could improve your children’s behavior and your relationship with them? Share your opinions with us in the comments section of this post so we can enrich our experiences as parents. God bless you.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

Why does my child misbehave when he/she wants my attention?

Previously, we talked about the importance of love and attachment in parenting. The enormous influence that these aspects have on the child will help them when they become adults with interpersonal relationships and even their perception of reality. There are many studies that support and prove the importance of both love and attachment.

Going deeper on this point, Murray Bowen’s family systems theory shows us that the family functions as an emotional unit, where what happens to one member affects the others. And attachment research, which began with John Bowlby, suggests that when children do not receive enough consistent attention and responsiveness from their parents, they are more likely to develop an insecure attachment style.

But I do love my children unconditionally!

Parental love is inexhaustible, that is how God wanted it and that is how it is. However, love does not imply or guarantee that you will be a good mother or father. I see this all the time In my talks with my patients, fathers and mothers who would give their lives for their children, but still have children who feel they are not receiving enough attention.

Why is this happening to you? You may need to dig into your own past to understand the reason for your unconscious behaviors. The emotional dynamics that you experienced with your parents tend to be the ones you repeat with your children, often without noticing. If your parents always gave you attention, love, and care, it is most likely that in a natural and unconscious way, that is what you are giving to your children.
On the contrary, if you were a boy or a girl who did not experience that, then, how can you give something that you do not know? In that case, it may be hard for you to know how to provide a stable emotional connection. If you do not get help regarding this matter, you may repeat the story. The good news is that this cycle can be broken.

Exploring your memories

Our past influences our present, especially unresolved issues. Regarding this matter, I recommend the book “Parenting From the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell. Through this book, you will be able to understand how your own childhood has made you who you are today.

Since most of our responses are related to our memory, our brains are able to respond to experiences by altering the connections between neurons, as well as the brain structure that creates memories, which shapes our identity. In fact, memory is how the brain responds to experiences and creates new brain connections. These brain connections will be either implicit or explicit.

Implicit memory generates responses to behaviors, emotions, and perceptions. These are non-verbal memories that will be there throughout our entire life. This also involves non-verbal models. For example, if a baby is comforted by his mother when he is distressed, he, while growing up, will associate comfort with his mother. This is why the mother is considered a figure of well-being and security. When experiences occur repeatedly, they will be embedded in our lives. The most amazing thing about implicit memory is that the person does not feel that he/she is remembering something when using it. He/she will not even be aware of it.

So, when you experience a certain behavior towards your children that you cannot explain, you need to explore your memories and make connections. Emotions, beliefs, perceptions, all of these may be getting in your way without you even realizing it.

Authoritarian parents vs. permissive parents

Do you feel the need to be overly demanding with your children with regards to their studies or hobbies? If so, what were your parents’ demands like when you were a child?
Another situation, do you think that physical punishment is the right way to correct your children’s misbehavior? How did your parents reprimand you? Physical punishment is not a recommended way to correct a child’s behavior, and it can harm both the child and your relationship.
We are capable of breaking the cycle of this type of behavior. But first we need to find a balance between giving and not giving. There are two opposite types of parenting that are not appropriate, controlling parents and permissive parents.
Each parent may lean toward one style or the other, and the two parents often lean in opposite directions. Both authoritarian and permissive parents are more alike than you might think. These parents choose for their children when they should be teaching their children how to choose according to their age.

The 4 strategies our children use to get attention

Children are able to analyze and develop games in relation to the way you respond to their actions. After all, you are their biggest role model, so children will be making notes in their heads on how to get what they want, whenever they want.

They also know how to use the perks or advantages and how to push buttons whenever is needed. That is why, as a parent, you cannot lose the advantage you have and you need to get the most out of it. Children react according to the social environment they grow up in. Regardless of the type of environment, they will adapt to it.

Turning to the teachings of Alfred Adler, his student, Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, organized the four goals children have when they manifest bad behaviors. For each objective, a series of misbehavior are shown. In Kevin Leman’s reading, the goals can be seen as steps of growing discouragement: when a child’s need is not met at one level, the child may try the next. A child’s goal can also change with the circumstances, so use them as clues to what the child needs, not as labels.

Attention

Every child wants his/her parents’ attention. But the problem with this kind of attention is that it needs to be gained, no matter how. Their mantra is: “I only count when others notice me and serve me.”
How do you detect children who just desperately want your attention? Simple. Those are the children who do not let their mother talk on the phone and demand her time, or the girls clinging to their parents’ legs, not letting them focus on something else.

They are also the children who are constantly in trouble at school for mischief, over and over again. They know it, but for them, continuing with this type of behavior is inevitable. Furthermore, they may stop for a few moments, but then they will come back even with more strength. If you are a permissive parent, you will most likely ask for more time, so you can finish your phone call. If you are authoritarian, you will scold him/her due to his/her misbehavior.

Power

If your child cannot get your attention, he/she will try to do it through power. His motto this time will be: “I only count when I dominate and control, when others do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it.”
How do these little ones act when seeking power? They are the children who throw tantrums, refusing to obey their parents. They are the children who yell offensive words at their parents, or tell them that they are not their “bosses.”

The thing with these children is that repressing them will only stimulate their desire to have more power. If you tell them not to do something, they will do it only because they want to win at any cost. Anything you do will increase their response. Angry responses are very common when facing these attitudes, but they are not helpful either.

Revenge

If, as a parent, you do not respond the way they want you to respond to their need for power, their mantra will be: “I only count if I can hurt others the way they have hurt me.”
They already know that they have no real power, so they try to get their revenge with negative behaviors.

This goal is more common in preteens and teenagers, who take “rebelliousness” to another level. They are the children who create fake accounts on social networks to hurt other people, or the son who stole and crashed his father’s car because he felt the car was more important to the father than his own son. This goal is characterized by wanting to hurt others. A child or teen who says that he/she wants to hurt or kill himself/herself must always be taken seriously: such words are never just a way to get attention or to manipulate. Ask calmly and directly, and get help right away by calling or texting 988, or calling 911 if there is immediate danger.

If you are a permissive parent, you will either feel like a victim or extremely guilty, while authoritarian parents will want to show their own power or revenge, continuing the cycle, and the only way to stop it is for parents to do something that favors the healing process.

Assumed inadequacy

When you continue to feed your child’s thirst for revenge, he/she will get tired. At this point, he/she will realize that what he/she does will not be enough to get your attention, and he/she will have already internalized how “stupid or useless” he/she is.

Furthermore, he/she will understand that he/she does not belong anywhere, or that there is no purpose in his/her life. Their mantra will be: “I am not good. Nobody believes that I have any value. I cannot do anything right, so why bother doing anything? I give up.” This goal is a sign of deep discouragement. A child or teen who seems to have given up, withdraws, or says that life has no purpose may be depressed or in danger and needs a professional evaluation, not more pressure.

These can be children or teens who withdraw, avoid being with others, and stop trying. Parents often do not know what to do and may end up giving up, and the bond between them weakens. This does not have to be the end of the story: with professional help and a patient, consistent presence, relationships can be repaired.

These four aspects should be of interest to us as parents. It is not easy to analyze our memories, to delve into experiences, but if we do, we will start on the right foot our way to healing our relationship with our children, and we will be heading towards the possibility of enjoying happiness in our family bonds. That is the plan that God has for us as families, that we enjoy love and happiness with those around us.
Were you aware of these four goals that children use to get the attention they crave so much? Have you ever felt their effect on your relationship with your children? I invite you to share your experience and your opinions with us in the comments section of our post. God bless you.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

What is the root of your child’s misbehavior?

Everything has a beginning, so it is no surprise that children’s misbehavior has one too. Often disguised as “mischief” or “tantrums,” the little ones begin to show poor behaviors or act in undesirable ways, upsetting and frustrating their parents and caregivers.

Parents continually tell me about their offspring’s aggressive behaviors when seeking professional help, desperately trying to find magic solutions or simple answers to stop the snowball that has been growing. But honestly, there is no single, easy answer.

So, if you find your two-year-old daughter sticking her fingers into the electrical outlets or your five-year-old son throws his toys when he does not want to go to kindergarten, or the school calls because your ten-year-old boy is bullying other students, this will not be the end of it.

Challenging behavior often appears early, and many children need consistent, warm guidance from the adults around them to learn better ways of getting their needs met. Some behaviors fade as children grow, while others continue or get worse without support, so it helps to pay attention early.

It is time to take action as parents. However, to act, it is essential to know the root of the problem. So, I hope I can help you understand how you could be wasting valuable time that could be used to help your children become good men and women in the future.

Why is your child misbehaving?

Everything has a consequence in life, please keep this in mind. A toddler who puts her fingers in an electrical outlet is usually exploring, and she needs supervision and a safe environment rather than a label. A child who refuses to go to class or who causes problems at school may be struggling with something that deserves a closer look, such as anxiety, a learning difficulty or bullying.

You must understand that these are behaviors that must be stopped before they escalate in severity, but it takes us to the same dilemma — why do children behave like this? Are they unaware? Do they do it unintentionally? Perhaps my answer will surprise you, but, children are more intelligent than you think.

The root of the problem

To understand what I mean, we need to delve into the term purposive behavior, or intentional behavior. According to psychiatrist Alfred Adler, all social behavior will lead to a specific purpose. He believed that people do not act randomly, human behavior does not exist without a reason that explains it. It is a chain of actions that will work so that certain objectives can be achieved.

While individuals may not be aware of the link between goals and behaviors, the link is still there, it still exists, and it affects their behavior.

With all this in mind, the initial question remains: why do children behave this way? One common reason behind a child’s behavior is the wish to get our attention, although children may also be seeking a sense of control, reacting to hurt, or feeling discouraged, and behavior can also have medical, developmental or emotional causes. To see how the wish for attention works, consider the following approach: you perform an action and the action fulfills a purpose, would you not repeat the action? Of course, you would, over and over again until it stops generating results. This logical sequence is the same one child follows, even at a young age.

Why do our children seek our attention?

When a child comes out of his/her mother’s womb, he/she will do so yearning to feel loved and accepted. And for this, he/she will need attention. Attention from caregivers is a basic need of children: research on attachment shows that children grow best when they feel secure with a caring adult.

A child’s first bond with a caregiver is a source of love, security and learning, and infants depend on their caregivers to survive.

Children need attention

Every little piece of attention is absorbed by babies in those months, they practically become sponges. And, later, they will copy the behaviors that were demonstrated. At this stage, children are shapeable by:

  • good examples,
  • the love has given to them and,
  • above all, the positive attention that is given to them,
  • as well as the education.

Likewise, we must understand that we were created to experience social connections. So, when a mother or father does not pay attention to their children, they will need and seek it at all costs.

This is because they are experiencing a lack of acceptance, understanding, and love. Although at first sight, they act as though they are repelled by displays of affection. Or our presence, they will always be grateful for it within themselves.

Remember that everything created by God is interconnected. We were created in His image and likeness, and we are designed to live in a community. As it is in a community w can create transcendental bonds, allowing us to live a more stable and peaceful life.

The importance of the attention

It is extremely important to know the emotional and psychological basis that comprises the foundation of the individuals in our society. The experiences we live at an early age will determine our perception of reality as adults. And therefore our actions in each situation or challenge that we face throughout our lives. God wants us to be happy adults. It has always been His plan that we have interpersonal relationships that fill us with happiness. He wants us to have a full and happy relationship with Him.

If your child’s behavior includes hurting others or themselves, started suddenly, or is getting worse despite your efforts, talk with your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional. Yelling and physical punishment tend to make behavior worse and can harm a child; calm, consistent limits together with warmth work better. If you ever feel you might hurt your child, take a break and ask for help right away.

I ask you then, did you know these concepts? Do you consider that experiences you lived throughout your childhood have determined your actions in the present? God bless you.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

The healing process for domestic violence victims

The healing process for domestic violence victims is complex and painful. Like any other process of this nature, it takes time. Many times, the person who comes to me seeking help does not yet understand that part of the process consists of unlearning the lies that the abuser has sown, lies that keep a person tied and defenseless. This is not accomplished overnight. It takes perseverance and time.

The first thing we do is assess the level of safety the person has. Is the person or his/her children in danger from the abuser? Is the person in danger of hurting himself/herself because of the hopelessness he/she experiences? Many times, the emotional abuse these victims have experienced is so damaging that they succumb to severe depression.

Safety comes first

Before any stage of healing, safety comes first. If you are afraid of your partner, if you or your children have been hurt or threatened, or if the situation is getting worse, this is a safety matter and not something you have to fix or endure alone. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. The hotlines at the end of this article are free and confidential.

If you still live with the person who is hurting you, please do not try to confront, correct, or threaten him or her. That can make the danger greater. Instead, a domestic violence advocate or a professional can help you build a written safety plan. A plan like that can include telling at least one person you trust, keeping a small bag and important papers in a safe place outside the home, agreeing on a code word with someone who can call for help, varying your routines when possible, thinking about whether your phone or computer could be monitored, and knowing where you could go tonight if you had to leave. Leaving is often the most dangerous time, so it is better to plan it with an advocate before it happens.

The stages below describe the emotional process of recovery. They do not replace a safety plan.

The six stages of recovery

After this initial evaluation is completed, we begin to walk the person through the stages of the healing process. In this post, I will talk about the six stages that Shannon Thomas describes in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse (2016). This is the author’s clinical model, not the result of controlled research, and each person moves through it at his or her own pace, often going back and forth between stages.

Despair Stage

This stage’s name describes the experience the person who begins this process lives. The victim is confused and in despair. He/she wonders what he/she has done to deserve to be treated that way. “What do I have to do to make this relationship work? In which way do I have to improve? Why, if I am not such a bad person?” Questions that show the doubts the person has about himself/herself. Why is it so difficult for these people to understand what the real problem is?

It is because these survivors, who are hurting and hating themselves, are so busy wondering why they are failures that they ignore the source of the real problem and how they can get out of it. They continually believe they are the problem. They are hurt, broken, and do not consider themselves to be enough. They will have a hard time identifying the abuse they receive as the problem in their relationship. Let me say it clearly: abuse is never deserved, and it is never the victim’s fault.

What happens in this stage

Victims, at this stage, say “I can no longer fight this problem. It is too much for me.” It is an expression of despair. Many times, to get to this point and begin the healing journey, it is necessary to reach the extreme in which we give up and say that we can no longer fight, and that is when we seek external, professional, and spiritual help, which will allow us to get out of our despair. If that despair includes thoughts of ending your life, please do not wait: call or text 988.

Even though the victim is at this point, he/she is not always ready to leave the relationship, or does not believe that he/she is strong enough to make firm decisions. As therapists, we tell these patients that this is okay. This is all part of the process. If you or your children are in danger, safety comes first, and leaving safely may be necessary. Otherwise, the Despair Stage is not the time to make drastic changes, but it is the time to start taking small steps toward emotional healing.

Education Stage

One of the biggest problems with domestic violence is that psychological abuse is exceptionally insidious, and therefore misunderstood. This is one of the tactics abusers often use. They isolate their victims from reality and from those around them as a way of exercising control over them. This is why the Education stage is important. Unless the victims can describe what has happened to them, they will not be able to begin the healing process. Victims need to be able to recognize these forms of abuse when they occur.

Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a term popularized by the psychotherapist Susan Forward. It refers to a type of manipulation that uses fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control another person.

Minimization

In the face of the victim’s achievements, whether they are professional or personal, the abuser will not praise the victim’s qualities. He/she will not recognize what the victim has accomplished.

The abuser will not do it abruptly, but subtly, using phrases such as: “That is fine for you” and “You are very lucky, now do not ruin it with nonsense and miss the opportunity.”

Control

This is one of the most detectable signs of this often invisible type of abuse. He/she will try to know where the victim is, who is with him/her, and what he/she is doing at all times.

The abuser will know the victim’s schedule, he/she will appear unexpectedly and more frequently wherever the victim is in a given moment, whether in the victim’s spare time or at work, using the excuse of “I wanted to surprise you.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting normally occurs very gradually in a relationship. An abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. However, over time, these abusive patterns continue, and the victim may feel confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed.

Also, he/she may lose all sense of what is happening. Then, he/she begins to depend on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a situation from which it is very difficult to escape.

Awakening Stage

After the person has discovered the manipulation system the abuser used to lead him/her to submission and abuse, he/she enters the Awakening stage. In this stage, a new awareness of the reality that has been lived is experienced, but despair is also experienced once more.

The combination of awareness and despair is because they feel empowered by the facts they discovered in the previous stage, but, on the other hand, they still cry because they miss the abuser. Do not judge them. Only someone who has been through a similar experience understands the damaging effects of psychological abuse.

The abuser has been a part of the victim’s life. The bonds that bind them are close and the victim longs to believe the abuser can change. I have seen how many victims look for excuses to justify the abuser’s behavior.

Common excuses to justify the abuser’s behavior

They say things like: “he/she was abused when he/she was a child,” “he/she has a personality disorder,” “God has put me in his/her way to help him/her,” “If I leave him/her, who is going to help him/her?” “I have to let myself be used by God.”

Although all of this may sound altruistic, the reality is something different. These thoughts are the product of how difficult it is to face the truth about what our loved ones are and mean to us. Your faith never asks you to remain in danger.

On the other hand, these victims also feel a certain peace. It happens because, in the second stage, they understood that they are not crazy as their abusers told them. I have seen these people remain in deep silence, meditating on the new reality that they are beginning to live and on what it could be tomorrow.

At this stage, victims who are deep in domestic violence need a lot of emotional support from family members and church members. Churches need to provide the place of safety that these people need, a shelter, a place where they are listened to, believed, and accepted unconditionally.

It is at this stage that victims of domestic violence begin to imagine a reality in which healing and restoration are possible.

Boundaries Stage

Healing needs clear boundaries. Therefore, the next stage in the healing process is learning to set them. But how do we set boundaries with a person of whom we are afraid or who is controlling? It is here, at this stage, that many victims give up and quit dreaming of their liberation. Learning to set boundaries in any relationship is a challenge since we often do not know where to start or how to do it.

No map or manual can guide us in this stage because each case has its peculiarities. That is why we recommend that professional help and a domestic violence advocate be involved to navigate this stage, especially when fear or danger is present.

When it comes to setting boundaries, Thomas talks about two types of contact: Detached Contact and No Contact. The decision is made person by person, and safety decides it first. If the person’s life is in danger, if the relationship has reached a level the person feels is unbearable, or if the children are in danger, safety comes before anything else.

No contact at all

In those situations, No Contact may be needed. It should be planned with a domestic violence advocate or a professional, including a safe place to go, such as a shelter or trusted friends or family.

It is when the victim decides to leave that the danger is often highest. It occurs because the abuser cannot accept that the person who was under his/her control is leaving. That is why a written safety plan should be in place before the person leaves.

Detached contact

Detached Contact is mostly determined by the environment in which the victim lives. For a person who still lives with the abuser, it can mean keeping conversations brief and calm. Do not try to confront or correct the abuser, because this can raise the danger; build a written safety plan first with a domestic violence advocate or a professional.

All of this can be accomplished by taking small steps. The idea is to find ways to keep the abuser from crossing the emotional limits that have caused so much damage and pain in the past. Detached Contact is about staying emotionally steady, not about provoking or confronting the person who has hurt you.

Restoration Stage

After the victim has passed the stages of Despair, Education, Awakening, and Boundaries, he/she may be ready for Restoration. You might be asking yourself, restoration of what? Restoration of your material things, life moments, financial stability, physical and mental health, or anything that you have lost as a victim of domestic violence.

How does a victim know that he/she has reached this stage? When he/she feels the need to have a hobby in his/her free time, an activity that has nothing to do with the educational process that he/she has been experiencing. This is the moment when the victim decides to live again and to bring hope to his/her life.

Maintenance Stage

This is the final stage, the stage in which the survivor looks back to the previous stages and continues to deepen his/her healing and restoration. In this stage, the person also learns to identify healthy relationships and to recognize warning signs of abuse sooner. Maintenance is when a survivor lives his/her recovery life fully, with growing confidence and skills to stay safe.

A key component in this stage is recognizing that you have grown and changed. It is important to see yourself in the new you. When we do not acknowledge that, uncertainty and the feeling that we do not deserve good things can lead us to keep away from kind people. Our internal dialogue and self-esteem influence the types of people we allow or reject in our lives.

Throughout this process, I want you to know that God cares deeply when He sees you being hurt. The abuse is never your fault, and you do not have to face it alone. I believe He can walk with you as you take each step toward safety and healing, at your own pace, and He often does it through people: an advocate, a counselor, a friend, a church that listens. I am not telling you that this is easy, but I believe healing is possible.

What is one small, safe step you could take this week, and who is one person you could trust with it?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse (2016): the six-stage model described above is the author’s clinical model.
  • Susan Forward: the term “emotional blackmail” and the fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) description.
  • Hotline information: National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) and Florida Department of Children and Families Abuse Hotline (myflfamilies.com).

Warning Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence

Dating and marriage violence is a reality. Courtship is a stage in the relationship in which people get to know the other person and meet their families and friends. It is supposed to be a time full of good moments. However, it is also when some people start to show certain signs of dating and marriage violence that need to be recognized early, before a person is drawn into control and manipulation.

Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence

From subtle to the most obvious signs of dating and marriage violence, these are some of the signs that a courtship is unsafe1:

Insecure and possessive attitudes

A woman or a man who is stuck in an unhealthy courtship will be constantly watched by his/her counterpart. The initial excuses may sound somewhat consistent, such as the need to protect the other person or ward off bad influences, perhaps showing concern for the partner’s safety. However, the rationale behind each of these excuses will be lost as time passes.

The blame will always fall on a single party

A relationship comprises two people who share the same burden of duties and rights. The key to maintaining healthy relationships is sharing responsibilities when something goes wrong. But for an abuser, disputes or bad times are never his/her fault, it is always someone else’s.

Pressuring their partner to do certain things

Manipulation and pressure to show “love” is what leads many victims to submit to situations they do not want. This is why they are in a vulnerable state, a state where they do not know how or if they will be able to say “no.” For example, going to certain places, meeting certain people, or even being pushed to do things that go against their own values. Everything is about control, control the victim will give without realizing it in order to see their partner happy.

Mocking and humiliating situations

We are usually vulnerable to what others say or the opinion that others have about us. That is why when a person goes to a social gathering with someone he/she appreciates, that person should take the other person’s side if there is an awkward moment.

But abusers do the opposite because they never miss an opportunity to humiliate someone or to let others know implicitly that their partner is irresponsible, imprudent, or not smart. While in a courtship relationship, all these offenses may be disguised with passive-aggressive words, not spoken in a direct or explicitly violent way.

Sometimes they are “harmless” expressions or comments when they are not, and they need to be named early. When the person explains that he/she is hurt by the abuser’s attitude, the abuser will minimize the situation. The abuser will not take the victim’s pain into consideration because he/she thinks that the victim caused the situation and is overreacting.

How to recognize signs of dating and marriage violence

Emotional violence within married couples can create a deep sense of suffocation for the affected person, since the commitment of marriage can make it harder to face the harmful side of the other person.

By joining two lives, a man and a woman create a bond. It is thought and intended to be for the rest of their lives. Despite this, when emotional violence occurs, questions arise that should not be denied:

  • Is pain love?
  • Do I deserve to go through this?
  • Don’t I deserve happiness?

It is essential to understand that marriage is meant to be a loving bond, a commitment, and a space to grow. When one of the parties does not want to admit that there is a problem and does not make an effort to change, it is that person who is failing, not the person who is being hurt. When there is control, humiliation, threats, or violence, the person who is being hurt is not responsible for fixing the abuse, and trying harder will not stop it. Safety comes first.

Marriage violence

Violence within marriage is often hidden. There is no longer just an emotional bond, there is also a legal one. If there are children, many more factors are involved. Each child is unique and each child may react differently to witnessing this kind of violence.

Children internalize everything they see around them. They may not immediately understand what they are feeling, but they keep it inside their memory and heart. The following are signs of violence within marriage relationships:

  • Irritability when facing any situation: Hostility and frustration exercised by the aggressor due to unjustified situations. Disguising the behavior or showing restraint is no longer as necessary as it was during courtship.
  • Intense verbal abuse: Loud insults, provocations, and trampling their partner’s feelings. All of this will happen in marriages where emotional violence occurs.
  • Manipulating children: When children enter the picture, everything gets a lot worse. Why? Because some abusers turn children into tools to pressure the partner and make them take sides. Some abusers use custody disputes or legal threats to keep control after a separation. If you are planning a separation, a domestic violence advocate or an attorney experienced in domestic violence can help you plan for your safety and for your children.

Signs of higher danger

Violence can be emotional, physical, or sexual, and it can get worse over time. Take these signs very seriously:

  • Threats to kill you or to kill themselves.
  • Claims that you belong to them, or obsessive watching, following, or monitoring, including after a separation.
  • Having or showing weapons.
  • Violence that is becoming more frequent or more severe, or any choking.

If you see these signs, if you are in immediate danger, call 911. Leaving is often the most dangerous time, so please make a written safety plan with a domestic violence advocate or a professional before you leave, and tell at least one person you trust. You do not need to be sure that it is “bad enough” to call the hotline below.

Which of these signs have you been explaining away, and who is one person you could talk to this week? I invite you to share this article if it can help someone you love. If you are experiencing violence in your relationship, do not hesitate to seek help.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

If you suspect child abuse

Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • (1) Secretaría de Seguridad Pública (Mexico), Guía del Taller: Prevención de la Violencia en el Noviazgo (August 2012), gentediversa.org.mx. Source of the list of unsafe-dating signs.
  • Higher-danger signs: threats of homicide or suicide, ownership claims, obsessiveness, and weapons are standard impending-violence indicators in domestic violence safety planning.

How to identify emotional abuse

Fear, shame, and uncertainty: all those words describe the feelings of someone who suffers or has suffered emotional abuse. Those who have been through traumatic experiences because of a partner or ex-partner often keep silent about their past and do not express their fears, for fear of being judged and not understood.

We live in a society that is so disconnected from its emotions, and so far from educational resources about emotional abuse, that a victim often does not even know they are being abused.

In my experience, abusers are also able to say that they love their partners, to pay attention to them, and to be helpful at certain moments of the relationship. But abusers can use these acts to subdue and confuse the victim.

An abuser will not resort to physical violence every day, but could commit other forms of abuse such as offending, manipulation, and threats. All of these damage the victim’s mental health. Recovery is possible, but it requires the necessary help. How do you identify a victim? How can you help a partner or a loved one who is a victim? To get these answers, it is necessary to delve into the subject.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that uses verbal and mental means to control, isolate, degrade, and devalue a person. Emotional abuse can occur in countless situations and contexts. The first image that comes to mind is likely a romantic relationship, but abuse can also take the form of workplace bullying and cyberbullying, among others.

In these cases, physical violence is not necessary to hurt a person. Emotional abuse is used to manipulate him/her, to invade his/her personal space, and the abuser turns to insults to show his/her intentions. The effects often do not end when the relationship ends. Many survivors carry fear and a habit of keeping “secrets” for a long time, which can make it harder to trust and open up in a new relationship, though this can change with support.

How does emotional abuse begin?

There is no specific time when emotional abuse starts. It can appear suddenly. This is why it causes surprise, and why people often believe it is a temporary stage the relationship is going through.

It is common for abusers to act normally at first. Some abusers invest a considerable amount of effort into being a “perfect” person, behaving especially loving or caring.

Offering a lot of praise, or asking to see the other person all the time, is often part of the pattern. The idea is to create the feeling that they are two against the world. But eventually, the abuse appears as the relationship is established, making leaving or breaking off the relationship more complicated.

Once the idea that they are only two people in the world is implanted, the victim, who will have been isolated from his/her family and friends, will be left without resources or other objective perspectives on his/her life.

Examples of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is subtle in its beginning. No one is attracted to being abused. So, hidden signs and a feeling of discomfort can mark the beginning of a dangerous situation. Some examples of emotional abuse are:

Privacy fading

An abuser will want to be with their victim all the time, round-the-clock. The contact has to be frequent and will escalate from being harmless, such as seeing each other constantly, to demands to know phone, email, and social network passwords. The abuser will give excuses based on trust. And the victim will give in for fear of jeopardizing the relationship or to avoid more conflicts and show that he/she has nothing to hide.

Extreme jealousy

Jealousy in a couple is normal behavior to some extent. However, when jealousy is constant, unjustified, and generates conflicts, it is a problem and a warning sign. People are supposed to feel loved and be happy in relationships, not unhappy.

Isolation from family and friends

Abusers separate victims from the people who care about them, the same people who could see what is happening because they are not the victims.

Control

The abuser’s need for power is rarely satisfied because he/she will always need more of it. Control may start with suggesting not going to a certain place or not doing a certain activity, but it can escalate until he/she controls the finances and how the money is spent. It can also go to the extreme of preventing the person from working or going to doctor’s appointments. Deciding what to wear or what to eat for another person are other behaviors that show a need for control.

Verbal humiliation

Words have power, and just as they are capable of uplifting the spirit and showing appreciation for the surrounding beauty, they are also capable of doing the exact opposite, destroying it. Insults about being useless, or relating to intelligence, ability, physical appearance, and other characteristics will hurt, and scar the victims’ minds.

Threats

Threats are an unpleasant extreme, and they make it harder to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Some abusers threaten to hurt themselves if the person leaves. Others threaten to kill their partner or to take their own life. A threat to kill, or to die by suicide, must always be taken seriously. If there is immediate danger, call 911. If your partner talks about hurting themselves, call or text 988 with them, or call 911 if the danger is immediate. If you are being threatened, a domestic violence advocate can help you plan for your safety. You are not responsible for another person’s threats or choices, and you do not have to carry them alone.

The negative effects of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse does not only cause short-term damage while it is happening. It can touch the mind deeply, and it can affect how a person trusts in future relationships.

Manipulation and control

Some people who abuse show a pattern of control and contempt that is often called “narcissistic abuse”. This is a popular term, not a diagnosis. Abusive behavior alone does not mean a person has narcissistic personality disorder; only a professional assessment of that person can tell. What matters most for you is what happens in your relationship: the pattern of control, humiliation, and fear, and what it is doing to you.

Many survivors describe an intense attachment to the person who hurt them, often called a trauma bond. Even after they get away, they may feel, to some extent, that part of who they really were has been taken from them. Many survivors find that, with support, they can rebuild trust and a sense of self. To accomplish this, it helps to acknowledge what happened and to be open with people you trust and with a professional.

Recognizing emotional abuse and getting support

Emotional abuse is never the victim’s fault. If you are afraid of your partner, or if there are threats, you can contact the hotlines listed below. In summary, an emotionally abused person may experience feelings of:

  • self-blame,
  • regret,
  • loneliness, and
  • abandonment in the short term.

These feelings are common reactions to being mistreated. They do not mean that you did something wrong. In the long term, some survivors fear getting into another harmful relationship or find it hard to trust, which can make love feel risky. Healing is possible with support. And this applies not only to loving another person, but to loving yourself and seeing yourself as a person with the ability to move on.

Do you know someone who may be living this, or is some of this your own story, and who is one safe person you could talk to this week? Please do not share health or personal details in the comments; use the options below instead.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
  • If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

What do I do if my child is looking at pornography?

Marta is a mother who called me some time ago. There was anguish and despair in her voice. Between sobs I could hear: “I am a failure as a mother,” “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” “My son is addicted to pornography and it’s my fault.” After reassuring her and asking her to explain what was happening, she was able to tell me about her experience.

Her son is 13 years old. He does much of his schoolwork on a computer at home. At first Marta was able to stay close and supervise him, but when she had to return to work, he was left alone at home with the computer for long stretches.

Clues for the mother whose child was looking pornography

At first, the teenager commented that he was very happy to do his schoolwork from home. However, as time passed he began to feel cut off from his friends and bored with his schoolwork. He began to reject his lessons, to the point that he preferred to stay in bed for most of the morning.

But, things took another turn when her son shared his situation with a classmate, and was waiting for the activity that kept him from being bored — seeing a man and a woman having sex. Pornography.

Immediately, the boy began to visit web pages with pornographic content. Thus, while he had his schoolwork open in one window on his computer, in the other, he was watching pornography.

Marta realized what was happening when one day when she couldn’t go to work and entered her son’s room without warning. She watched what he was doing in horror while his lesson was still open on the screen. Furious and outraged, she turned off the computer and began beating the teenager for it.

Her son, who was also confused and ashamed, did nothing but say he would not do it anymore, as the mother took her anger and frustration out on him. One day after this incident, Marta called me and said, “I am a failure as a mother,” and she proceeded to tell me her story, and questioned whether she acted correctly.

Statistics about children and pornography

A national survey by Common Sense Media (survey fielded in September 2022, report published in January 2023) asked 1,358 teens ages 13 to 17 in the United States about online pornography. Most of them (73%) said they had seen it, 15% said they first saw it at age 10 or younger, and the average age they reported for first exposure was 12. Many said they had come across it accidentally (58%), so a child can see it without looking for it. Because the teens described their own experience, these numbers show that the exposure is common, not an exact count.

This is not a rare problem, and it does not mean a family has failed.

This is a subject we need to talk about more often. Sooner or later, other parents will face a situation similar to Marta’s story. The question is: What should a parent do if his / her child is looking at pornography?

When Their Children are looking Pornography

Many parents make the following mistakes when they realize that their sons or daughters have been exposed to pornographic content:

Using shame as punishment

A large majority of parents believe that shaming their children for watching pornographic material is a good way to get them to change their behavior. But shame tends to do the opposite. Children who are embarrassed may eventually come to see themselves as bad people, rather than good people who made wrong decisions. This shame even leads children to hide their behavior instead of getting the help they need in this situation.

Taking away the children’s access to technology

While we believe that setting limits and punishments is very important in raising minors, it is imperative to also understand that we need to be sensitive to modern online culture, the one our children were born into. Taking away all access to technology can result in isolation. Therefore, this solution can become a problem because the opposite of addiction is being disconnected from your environment.

Seeing yourself as a failure

In my therapy sessions, I meet parents who base their identity on their perceived success as parents. They view their children’s negative behavior as a reflection of their ability as mother or father figures. But the truth is that your children’s negative actions not define you are as a parent.

Making assumptions

The first thing Marta, the mother in today’s story, did was assume the worst about her son. She said: “My son is addicted to pornography, he is going to become a sexual predator. He will be a failure in life.”

These negative reactions don’t help your son or daughter understand the consequences of their negative decision. What they will do is distance him/her from you, and close the door of communication.

If your son / daughter believes they cannot talk to you about their struggles in life, who do you think is going to educate them about their sexuality? Sadly. Friends and the internet will take the place that a father should occupy.

What can a parent do if their child watches pornography?

Rather than pulling out her hair and feeling like a failure, Marta should handle the situation with grace and truth. What does this mean? Instead of losing control and exploding with anger, she can control herself and invite her son to pray.

I know you are thinking that the last thing you want to do is invite your child to pray when you want to scream at them and beat them up. But when you invite your child to pray with you and to talk about it, you are inviting them to have a dialogue about a topic that is embarrassing for both the parents and children.

Communication is key

As long as you keep the lines of communication open with your child, there is hope of influencing their life to help them make better decisions. What should you talk about? Ask your child open-ended questions, such as: How long have you been looking at pornography? How do you feel about it? What do you think should be the punishment for this negative choice?

Present the truth with love

Explain to your child with love that pornography gives a distorted picture of people and of sex, and that what we repeatedly look at can shape how we see others. Sex was created by God, and it is a good and positive thing. But pornography misrepresents God’s truth about man’s sexuality. The decisions we make create direction. We cannot erase images with pornographic content that we store from our minds. Your decisions affect your destiny.

Help your child understand that he / she is not the problem: The problem is pornography. Viewing pornography as the problem and not your child will allow you to handle the situation more efficiently. Since the problem is pornography and not your child, you must seek a solution to the problem together.

Actions to avoid pornography

Encourage them to think of ways to stay safe. Solutions may include:

  • Avoid using keywords that lead to these types of images.
  • Update security levels on devices.
  • Keep devices in public places.
  • Avoid friends, relatives, and neighbors who view pornography.
  • Have regular conversations about what your son or daughter watches.

Remember how God treats you as a parent when you make a mistake. God treats you with grace, love, and compassion. When he met the adulterous woman, he did not shame her, but stood by her side, pouring out grace. That is the call that God makes of us as parents.

Treat your children the same way He treats us. God is committed to helping you save your child. You are not alone in this task. If you follow God’s plan, He will help you educate your child for eternity.

What is one gentle question you could ask your child this week to keep the conversation open?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • Common Sense Media. (2023). Teens and Pornography. Survey of 1,358 U.S. teens ages 13 to 17, September 2022. commonsensemedia.org/research/teens-and-pornography

How to avoid financial infidelity

Let’s see some examples of financial infidelity. Santiago and Mary are the typical couple who fight tirelessly to achieve the American Dream. Santiago works in the banking industry and Mary works as a high school teacher. They have been married for more than 10 years. But even though they have steady jobs, they have serious financial problems. These problems have grown over the years. Now they find themselves on the verge of separation because trust and respect have been lost.

Mary alleges that Santiago never shows her the status of their finances. And he always tells her that there is no more money left. Santiago controls what spends and what does not spend at home. He gives Mary a monthly amount of money for her personal expenses. But, other than that, Mary does not have access to more money. She feels that her husband is hiding the family’s financial status from her.

However, Santiago confessed in therapy that he has a money issue. He spends the money buying unnecessary electronics without telling his wife, and justifies it by saying that he needs them to be able to work. But the most serious problem is that Santiago, secretly, sends money to his relatives in his home country so that they can build a house. Mary never knew about this expense. Santiago said he does not know how his wife will react to this and that he feels obliged to help his family. So, he came seeking professional help, so he can tell his wife what he has been doing for years.

Financial infidelity is very common

This is a typical problem in many marriages today, financial infidelity. This consists of spending money, owning credit cards or loans, having secret accounts or money deposits, borrowing money, or incurring debt without the spouse or partner knowing it. Financial infidelity in a relationship can include any financial decision made by one of the spouses that may affect, overload, strain, or delay the financial planning in the relationship, as we see in Mary and Santiago’s case.

The most serious problem with this situation is that it results in a loss of intimacy and trust in the relationship. In a 2021 Harris Poll survey for the National Endowment for Financial Education, 43 percent of U.S. adults who had ever combined finances with a partner said they had committed at least one financial deception, such as hiding a purchase or an account or misstating debt.

Why does financial infidelity happen?

In my experience, social media can add pressure to look like you have more than you do.

While some people rely on photos prepared cleverly to keep up with the Joneses. Others may actually be immersed in debts or go bankrupt in order to maintain an image or to keep their pride afloat.

Not everyone who hides money is a compulsive spender. Many families carry some debt, and hiding it adds secrecy on top of stress.

How harmful is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity can seriously damage trust in a relationship. Research on 4,574 U.S. couples (Dew et al., 2012) found that disagreements about money predicted divorce more strongly than other common marital disagreements. Given the role that finances play in the health of relationships, consumers benefit from being aware of financial infidelity and its consequences.

How to prevent financial infidelity

Be transparent about household finances. There is no magic formula. It is not easy to overcome the fear, guilt, and anxiety that goes with being completely transparent about your expenses. A key to developing this habit is to impose a rule on yourself: frequent and open communication, without exception. Especially if only one member of the family retains control over the household finances.

Develop an action plan

In my experience, the best way to avoid surprises is to establish a well-defined plan and stick to it. It is important to establish a family budget. It must consider not only regular expenses like mortgage or rent and utilities, but also long-term goals and emergencies.

Have only one bank account

Some financial experts suggest keeping only one shared account. But others recommend each spouse keep a separate account for the little things they want for themselves. I believe that a single shared account will prevent financial infidelity. If there is a fund in the budget meant for one half of the couple. Then that specific amount can be placed in a personal account.

If you are experiencing financial infidelity in your life, maybe it is time to seek professional help. Do not let finances destroy your relationship. Find the courage to confront your problem and heal your relationship.

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources

  • National Endowment for Financial Education. (2021, November). 2 in 5 Americans admit to financial infidelity against their partner (The Harris Poll survey, June 28-30, 2021). https://www.nefe.org/news/2021/11/2-in-5-americans-admit-to-financial-infidelity-against-their-partner.aspx
  • Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61, 615-628. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/facpub/4526

Infertility and loss: What can the couple do?

It had been Mary’s dream to be a mother. She had never imagined that infertility could affect her. She had always pictured herself building a family with several children. Now, married to Peter, it was time to make that dream come true. But months after the wedding, nothing had happened. Then, after six months, they increased sexual intimacy, trying to have greater opportunities to conceive, but nothing happened.

Then, after a year, Mary and Peter began to wonder what was happening. Where was the problem? They went to their family doctor, who referred them to a specialist. After several tests, the specialist told the couple, “You will not be able to have children through natural means.”

The emotional pain that overwhelmed Mary and Peter was indescribable. They both felt low self-esteem and had feelings of inferiority, low self-confidence, and low self-love. Besides, they felt ashamed and incomplete. They felt they were not enough. They even began to question their ability to parent and maintain their relationship. It was at this point that they decided to seek professional help.

Infertility is a real thing that causes a lot of pain

Infertility is common. The World Health Organization (WHO) defines it as the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse, and it estimates that about one in six people of reproductive age worldwide experience infertility in their lifetime. As Mary and Peter’s story reveals, when a couple experiences this, they feel in shock, frustrated, and there are extensive psychological effects.

The shock comes from being in a situation the couple never imagined. In addition, this shock is the result of false beliefs rooted in our culture that say that “procreation is a voluntary process,” that any person can achieve just by having frequent coital interactions. So, when this fails, the couple tends to question their identity and both members of the couple feel inferior as a man and a woman.

Infertility produces frustration, partly because the couple has to change the life plan they had outlined. For Mary and Peter, their life project was parenthood at a young age, so they could dedicate the best years of their own lives to their children. They saw parenthood as a culmination of their personal development, having children when reaching personal and professional maturity.

All of this produces great emotional pain as a loss is experienced. All losses bring sadness, anguish, pain, and sometimes trauma. These adverse circumstances force the couple to rethink their life plan and make important decisions regarding that plan: to keep trying with their means, to decide not to have children, to try assisted reproduction, or to adopt or foster a child.

How a couple experiences infertility

When a couple with infertility problems comes seeking marital therapy, we help them process this experience by approaching it as a grieving process. Infertility can be understood as a loss from an emotional and psychological point of view. The couple experiences this loss in different phases:

  • The first phase, when the pregnancy does not occur when it is supposed to.
  • The second one when infertility treatment cycles begin and are unsuccessful, and finally, when an eventual pregnancy culminates in a miscarriage.

These stages of grief do not necessarily occur in order, and each person might experience them in different ways. In the Paralysis stage, the individual acts “like a zombie” or like being “in a trance,” very distant from others. There is denial, the person cannot believe what happened is real and he/she says to himself/herself, “someone made a mistake.” There may be physical manifestations, such as periods of depression, loss of appetite, and poor concentration.

Yearning stage

In the yearning stage, the individual has a great need to fulfill the desire to be a parent, so, when it does not happen, it becomes more fervent every day. Everything reinforces when the person exposes to promotional materials or items for newborns. Close friends and family do not help at this stage because they tend to ask the couple if they are doing things right. They tend to not consider the pain experienced by those with infertility.

Second stage

The longest stage is Disorganization and Despair. This stage is characterized by feeling guilty. Many people think their infertility is a punishment, one sent by God for sins committed when they were young. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment, and you are not to blame for it. If you carry this guilt, share it with a counselor or a pastor you trust. People in this stage feel a lack of control, anxiety, loneliness, grief, and hopelessness, and couples withdraw from their friends because of the stigmas surrounding infertility.

The Reorganization stage is the one in which the individual accepts and reorganizes his/her personal life. In this stage, he/she considers a new Life Project. This period can take years, or sadly, for many people, it never happens because they give up accepting their fate. Many people experience such deep emotional damage that they think no one can help them and that there is nothing anyone can do to alleviate their suffering. But help does exist: talking with a counselor, your doctor, and people you trust can lighten the load.

You may wonder what can I do if I’m going through the same thing as Mary and Peter. What can I do to help someone in a situation like the one we discussed? Some first steps can help: grieve the loss together instead of alone, talk with your medical team about your options, and decide together, without pressure, what you want to do next, whether that means continuing to try, assisted reproduction, adoption or foster care, or living without children.

What is the hardest part of this loss for you, and who can walk through it with you?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

Sources