It is a matter of attitude part II

Let’s continue with the story of Mary’s husband Joseph and the attitude. We can see how his faith in God helped him trust the angel’s message when he was told that the baby Mary was expecting came from the Holy Spirit’s work. The attitude Joseph took when facing this news determined his role in raising Jesus Christ.

Lesson 1 of Joseph’s attitude

If we analyze Joseph’s attitude before such a divine proposition, we can learn three lessons for ourselves. First, Joseph was willing to accept God’s will regardless of the consequences. He could have said, what are my family members, neighbors, church brothers and sisters, and friends going to say when they see that Mary is pregnant? Are there no other couples in Nazareth? Why did you choose us?

What would have happened if Joseph had said, “I do not want to be part of that plan”? I do not know, but what I do know is that Joseph was a man of God, and he accepted God’s will in his life. Are you willing to accept God’s will in your life? What is it that God is asking you to do that you think makes no sense? What attitude do you have towards what God’s will is? I hope that you can say, like Joseph, “Lord, whatever You ask of me, that I will do.”

Lesson 2 of Joseph’s attitude

The second lesson we need to learn is to take care of other people. Joseph is mentioned only a few times in the Bible. He is not the center of the story. He has one mission, to take care of Mary and baby Jesus. Likewise, he could have said, “Mary and I are not engaged yet, why do I have to marry her?”, “I am not the father of that child, why do I have to take care of a child who is not my own son?” Joseph had a positive attitude and decided to fulfill his mission of taking care of Mary and baby Jesus.

When God calls on us to care for those in need who are around us, how do we react? Maybe we say, “I do not have time.” When was the last time you called a loved one because you were worried about him or her? Maybe you called your parents who are in a nursing home because you do not have time to take care of them. Joseph put all his plans aside and fulfilled the mission that Heaven had entrusted to him. Jesus said, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matt. 25:40).

Lesson 3 of Joseph’s attitude

The third lesson is that we have to learn to give up everything for Jesus. Joseph gave everything to Jesus. He did not know that he would have to move to another country in order to save him. He did not know that he would have to be away from his family and the town where he was born in to help the child and Mary.

Furthermore, he never imagined the time it would take to care for the baby Jesus and Mary. But he gave up everything because he loved God and believed in the mission that Heaven had entrusted to him.

What about us and our attitude?

Are we willing to give everything up for Jesus? What is it that God is asking you to give him, and you do not want to do because you fear losing control? Maybe God is asking you to give Him your finances, your heart, your talents, or a cherished sin?

Whatever God is asking of you, give it to Him because the reward God will give you will be greater than what He is asking of you. If you give Him your life, He will give you Eternal Life. Think, if you give Him your finances, He will give you streets of gold. If you give Him your heart, He will give you a new one. It is worth giving everything to Jesus.

Wasn’t that what God did for us? He gave it all for love. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Nowadays, we have Christmas because God gave EVERYTHING for us.

Joseph learned about giving everything to Jesus very early in his life. Have we learned to give everything to Jesus? God allow that while you search for gifts and buy them, you think about Joseph’s attitude toward Jesus and decide to give Jesus the gift of gifts, your heart.

It is a matter of attitude Part 1

We have often heard the phrase “it is a matter of attitude.” But, do we truly know what it means? Let’s start by defining what attitude is.

It is the effect a set of beliefs and values that are relatively stable over time have on the disposition or tendency to act in a certain way. It is a determining factor when it comes to taking an action and the type of emotion the activity generates, or the way of interacting when facing a situation or stimulus.

Development of attitude

An individual’s attitude is developed and depends on their environment. It can also depend on inherited or biological patterns, and the negative or positive reinforcement the person receives when facing certain stimuli.

Thus, the approach we take to situations will depend on the experiences we have lived and the internal and external factors that lead us to perceive that situation in a certain way. Therefore, how we act in a situation will depend on the attitude we decide to have when facing it.

The results and perspectives we get are a reflection of the actions we take that are motivated by the attitudes we manifest amid adversity or “good fortune.”

Sometimes the way we see life and how we face it makes the difference between happiness or sadness, between satisfaction or frustration. Sometimes, what happens to us or, at least, the way we perceive it, is a matter of attitude.

Perception and attitude

Many people have adopted a very pessimistic perception throughout their lives. And they do not find a way to overcome events that affect them. In this way, they avoid taking responsibility when facing life.

These people, generally, put all the responsibility regarding their “disgrace” outside their orbit of action. This is called an external locus of control. It is always the other person who is responsible for any negative situation in his/her life. Phrases like “you are the one to blame for all my problems” are common among these people.

The other group is the one who sees life with more optimism. They know the circumstances life brings them are challenges for them to grow. Therefore, they live with less stress. They tend to appear happier and smile more. They are the ones who know that life is not threatening itself, but what makes it “good” or “bad” is a matter of attitude.

For that reason, they have the freedom to choose how to face it. That is where the phrase “it is all about attitude” applies. We decide how to face events and situations. The results will depend on the approach we have and the attitude we take.

Joseph attitude

Very little is said about Joseph. Every sermon that is preached around this December holiday season is about Mary, the baby Jesus, the wise men, and the shepherds. But Joseph’s attitude in this whole plot of Jesus’ birth is interesting.

He was getting ready for his wedding with his fiancée Mary, coordinating the guests, the pastor who would marry them, and the place of the reception. Joseph was very busy when he saw Mary coming to him, crying, without knowing what to say.

After he asked her to tell him what was going on, she answered him: “I am pregnant, I am going to have a baby.” The first thing that came to Joseph’s mind was, “That baby is not mine, whose is it?”

How would you react to news like that? Maybe you would have cursed Mary, or regretted the day you met her. But Joseph did not. He had a different attitude. He was a just man, a man of integrity, and faithful to God. Likewise, he did not judge or draw his conclusions on the matter. But he simply decided to protect Mary because he loved her. And the best thing he could do was to separate from her without anyone noticing it.

And when he was ready to carry out his plan, the angel of the Lord approached him and explained everything that was happening with Mary. There, Joseph understood the purpose God had for him, for his life. The attitude he decided to take in the face of this situation made the difference. Yes, the difference between fleeing and having an important role in the history of the world, raising the Savior, who came to live in his very own home.

Your attitude when facing challenges

What is your attitude when facing challenges in your life? Do you have faith like Joseph? He did not doubt the angel of Jehovah’s message and had an important role in the history of the world. Are there any situations in your life that could have been different if you’d had a different attitude when facing them?

Do you think the attitude you have when facing situations influences how they turn out? Share your opinion and your experiences with us in the comments section and tell us your point of view. God bless you.

When boundaries are broken, what to do?

There is no balance without boundaries. There cannot be physical, relational, or emotional health if there are no boundaries. When boundaries or limits are erased, there is chaos. The entire universe created by God is directed by limits He has set.

What are boundaries? They are lines, both real and imaginary, that mark property, the end of a surface or body, or maybe the separation between two subjects. Limits are that point that has not or must not be exceeded.

Creation began with setting boundaries

The Earth was without form and void, and the first thing God did was to set boundaries and limits. Chaos on Earth ended when God started establishing them. He created light in order to set a limit between light and darkness. Each day created by God had a limit.

That is why the Bible says: “and it was the afternoon and morning of the first day” (Genesis 1:13-15). Clear boundaries to maintain order in everything that was created. God also established a limit between the Sabbath and the rest of the days of the week. Sabbath was declared a day for worshiping and rest from all the work (Genesis 2:3).

But, I want to deepen in the limit God established between Himself and His creatures, Adam and Eve. This is reflected in the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God told Adam: “the day you eat from that tree, you will die” (Genesis 2:16-17).

In other words, Adam and Eve had access to all the trees in the garden except one. That tree was a limit between God and His creatures. Why did God have to establish that limit between Himself and His creatures? Would it not have been easier for His creatures to just have access to all the trees in the garden?

Boundaries between God as a creator and His creatures

God set a clear limit between Himself as a creator and His creatures, which is why He had the right to set something aside for Himself through which men will show respect for the limit established by God between Him and His creatures. If God had not set that clear limit, humankind would have believed they owned all that was created and that they were at the same level as their Creator. This is why God set a limit, to differentiate the dominance of His property and what belonged to His creatures.

As we mentioned at the beginning of this post, there cannot be healthy relationships without clear boundaries or limits. And, there is great truth in the human relationship dimension and the relationship between men and God’s dimension.

When boundaries are broken

When limits are violated, whether it is in the outside world, as happened in the relationship between Adam, Eve, and God, or the inner world due to the lack of control of our desires (eating the forbidden fruit), chaos erupts.

Chaos came to Adam and God’s relationship when Adam crossed the limit of the forbidden tree and committed sin. Violating the established limit produced a separation between God and humankind. Adam could no longer talk to God the same way he did before, face to face. The consequences of this violation included death, since the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).

But, that limit was also produced in a psychological dimension. The lack of self-control to avoid eating the forbidden fruit led them to begin a life of debauchery and internal chaos. We are still experiencing the problems the first couple experienced back then today.

Lessons about boundaries

What can we learn from this? That God has created us so that we know where we end and where others begin, and so that we can clearly understand what our responsibilities are. We must respect what God has set aside for Himself. We must take responsibility for our souls with fear because God created us, and we will be held accountable one day for what belongs to us.

Proverbs 4:23 says that “above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life.” In other words, we are stewards of our lives because they are within the limit of autonomy and individuality we all have. That is why God gave us free will. God cannot cross the limit He, Himself, has established, in the same way, that Adam and Eve could not cross the limit God had established with the forbidden tree.

This means that limits and boundaries protect both subjects involved. In the human case, it is our highest responsibility to answer for our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, talents, thoughts, desires, and love. What am I trying to say? If I am experiencing anger, it is my problem and not someone else’s, because my emotions are inside the limiting circle of who I am as a human being.

Therefore, I must take full responsibility and solve the problem the way the Bible stipulates in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry, but do not sin.” If my behavior is out of place, it is my responsibility to address that problem and to control that maladaptive behavior, as stated in 2 Peter 1:6. One day, I will have to be held accountable before God for everything that is within the limits that concern me as a human being.

Principles about the need of boundaries

What principles can we extract from the limits established by God when He placed the tree of knowledge of good and evil?

  • Limits: the need to live within the limits God Himself has set and enforce them, and the consequences they have on others. God placed the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16-17).
  • Truth: the ability to tell the truth and be honest clears up many boundary issues. God said that Adam would die if he violated the limit. You can see that the serpent said that they “would not die” (the lie). Today, the human race dies as a result of Adam’s disobedience and because of crossing the limit.
  • Respect: we must not only impose and live our limits, we must learn how to respect the limits and freedom of others.
  • Sow and Reap: our choices and behaviors have real consequences and results, and we must enforce them and allow them to discipline others. Today we are reaping what our first parents sowed.
  • Activity: limits are an active way of life. To be someone with good limits, we must give up the passive position in life and relationships.

In my next post, we will talk about how to apply all of these principles to family relationships.

Let me ask you, what limits are you violating that may be leading you to experience chaos in your life. What do you think you should do? What advice would you give to people who are reading this post?

How to break the dysfunctional cycle

Many of Jesus’ dysfunctional family members received restoration and were released from the chains that bound them to their past. What was the secret of men like Abraham, Jacob, and David?

The secret was the following:

  1. To recognize the dysfunctional traits, the family carries

It is good to look at our families with objective eyes, acknowledging the positive and negative aspects. We will probably find that our family has traits of dysfunction in some aspects. By recognizing those traits, we can focus on working to improve them, and eventually overcome them to be happy individuals in functional families.

  1. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you

Paul says that we often do not know how to pray the way we should (Rom. 8:26). But, the Holy Spirit prays in us and through us, and intercedes for us. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit uses temporary help in the form of a human counselor, who can help us see what the real problem is.

Other times, the Spirit can do it through the Word of God or through an incident that makes us realize what our real difficulty is. James reminds us that sometimes we do not receive what we ask for because we pray to get what we should not get (James 4:3). You may need to seek a counselor, a pastor, or a friend’s help. Then, together, you can ask the Holy Spirit to show you what your real need is.

Henry Ford and Charlie Steinmetz’s story

Do you remember Henry Ford and Charlie Steinmetz’s story? Steinmetz was a very short man. He was also ugly and deformed, but he had privileged knowledge in the field of electricity, knowledge very few had. He built big generators for Henry Ford at his first factory in Dearborn, Michigan. One day, the generators malfunctioned, and the factory had to stop.

They brought other mechanics, but there was no way to start the generators. They were losing a lot of money. Then, Ford called Steinmetz. This genius arrived and spend hours fixing the generators. He then flipped the switch and got the great Ford factory up and running again.

A few days later, Henry Ford received a bill Steinmetz sent him for a total amount of $10,000. Although Ford was a wealthy man, he sent the bill back to Steinmetz with a note: “Charlie, isn’t that a little too big for having manipulated the engines for a couple of hours?” Steinmetz sent the bill back to Ford, but this time it said: “For handling things in the engines: $100, for knowing what to touch: $9,900, Total: $10,000”. Henry Ford paid the bill.

The Holy Spirit knows what needs to be manipulated. We do not know what to ask the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we do not receive because we do not know what to ask.

  1. Tell your story

Telling our stories is a powerful act if we want to heal our emotional traumas. This act is the basis of recovery in therapeutic groups, individual therapy, and counseling. When we tell our story, we talk about what is important, significant, confusing, conflicting, and painful in our lives.

We take risks, we interact, and we discover, but mainly, we listen to other people’s stories, and we realize we are not the only ones. But, the most powerful thing about sharing ours is that we hear our own story, and it turns out differently than what we had imagined.

When you tell your story, you are rewriting the family script your parents implanted in you. But, this time, those dysfunctional behaviors are replaced by functional ones. Those emotions that you did not express before because you were afraid of being mistreated or misunderstood are now expressed freely to resolve emotional traumas.

Not everyone deserves to hear your story. It is best to sit and talk with a Christian professional counselor. If you do not know any counselors, then talk to someone you trust, to whom you can tell your problem, and who will empathize with you. And, even if it is not easy for you, you can write your story and read it to yourself.

A woman came to me at the end of a sermon to tell me her story. I was happy to listen to her intently. In the end, she told me, “After telling my story, I feel that Jesus is carrying the burden that I have carried for over 60 years.”

  1. Forgive

Forgiveness is a determining factor for happiness and emotional stability. When we do not forgive others, we carry resentment, hate, and wounds that will last a lifetime, even if we decide to ignore them. The Bible teaches us that we must forgive in the same way that God forgives us.

In dysfunctional families, the lack of forgiveness often gives room for wounds that undermine interpersonal relationships and destroy the family structure.

5. Surrender to God’s grace

If we read Mephibosheth’s story in 2 Samuel 4, we can see that he was King Saul’s grandson and Jonathan’s son. His life was marked by his grandfather’s mistakes, misfortune, and, events that inflicted physical and emotional wounds on him.

But, despite these adversities, Mephibosheth managed to obtain the mercy he needed to move forward in the eyes of God and David. And he was able to leave the traumas of his past behind for a new life, a new future.

There are many stories in the Bible, like Mephibosheth’s, which were part of Jesus’ genealogy. Dysfunctional homes and families, from which, in the future, the Savior of the world would emerge. And, today, I understand why Luke and Matthew presented Jesus’ genealogy and mentioned the dysfunctional families he had in his family tree.

They say: that God’s love for His creatures is so great that He sent His son so that he could be born in the middle of dysfunctional families. With the mission of carrying the traumas, pain, insomnia, wounds and, dysfunctional behaviors of the human family on his own body and nail them to the cross.

A dear friend who is reading these lines today,

I invite you to follow these steps that will help you break the family patterns that have marked your life and undermined your own family and interpersonal relationships.

God can transform your story into a blessing and well-being. Seek Him first and decide to transform your life, your home, and your dysfunctional family into functionality and happiness.

Characteristics of dysfunctional families

 

Let’s continue on the dysfunctional families topic. It is a broad issue that affects numerous homes today, and to which we must pay attention, as the family is the foundation from which human beings perceive reality and the world around us.

Let’s also analyze the following story: a boy was the son of a middle-class man who worked for the government. His father demanded absolute obedience from his children, and the family suffered due to his uncontrollable anger. When this boy was three years old, he witnessed how his father brutally beat his mother because she replied to him.

A story of dysfunctional families

When the boy was 4 years old, his father began to abuse him physically, practically daily. He remembers getting 30 lashes on his back when he was 6 years old. When his father needed him, he would whistle for him to come, just as people do when they call a dog. When he was 11 years old, his father almost beat him to death when he tried to run away from home.

Before this child was born, three of his siblings had died of diphtheria, all before the age of three and all with a difference of a month. His mother, fearing she’d lose another son, kept her distance from this son and did not develop an attachment with him. His father, always drunk, complained a lot about how Jews and minorities were causing all the problems in the world. The boy grew up hating his father, but could not find a safe way to vent his emotions.

The beginning of the problem

He began to mistreat other children, play violent war games, and give hate speeches focused on Jews and other minorities. This boy grew up and became a hateful man, who never got married or had a family of his own with whom he could share his emotions. Instead, he found a large audience to whom he was able to express his feelings of hate. He got to subdue an entire race with his hate and anger. That little boy grew up to be Adolf Hitler (Miller, 1983).

As parents, we often ignore the influence our dysfunctional patterns have on future generations. If you are honest, you will remember that when some of these things happened to you when you were a child, you made a vow never to treat your children that same way. And now, sadly, you find yourself in stressful situations, repeating the same words and behaviors of your parents towards your children.

Characteristics of a dysfunctional family

There is no such thing as a dysfunctional family. However, if you see that your family has some characteristics and traits listed below, your family is likely dysfunctional in some areas.

 Disappointment and denial

They deny their problems, thus problems are never solved. They also deny freedom to their members.

Forming rigid and static roles

Roles are created due to the need for the family system. Children give up their own needs to meet the needs of others.

Breaking boundaries

The members of a dysfunctional family have permeable boundaries. The boundaries are not respected and are mutually invaded.

Needs sacrificed

Members of a dysfunctional family cannot meet their needs. Individual needs are set aside to meet the needs of the family. There is almost always a certain amount of anger and depression in the members of a dysfunctional family. Individual needs are sacrificed to satisfy the requirements of the family.

Conflicting and Confluent Communication

They use open conflict or confluence (they agree not to disagree) as a communication style. Very rarely do they manage to make real contact.

 Irrevocability of the rules and control

in dysfunctional families, rules are set, and they do not change.

We must control our feelings and behaviors at all times. This is the most important defense mechanism.

Perfectionism

We have to do everything right. The fear of not fulfilling what others expect of us is the main motivation. Family members spend their lives focused on their image.

Blaming

When things do not go as planned, we blame ourselves or others. This keeps the balance in the dysfunctional family when controlling does not work.

Family members cannot speak

This rule forbids the free expression of any feeling, need, or desire. No one talks about loneliness or problems.

There cannot be any mistakes

Making mistakes implies vulnerability. This is not allowed. Family members have to cover up any error at all costs to avoid criticism.

There are other deeper characteristics, but the ones mentioned in the previous paragraphs we can observe easily in the daily life of many families, even those with Christian beliefs. The way parents raise their children will determine what kind of family future generations will have since they will repeat the learned patterns and will apply them to their family relationships.

The challenges of a dysfunctional family

It is not easy to be part of a dysfunctional family. The communication and interaction channels affect by the disrupted dynamics that take place. It does not matter what religion, culture, ethnicity, or social status family members comes from, dysfunction can be the foundation of any family.

  • Do these characteristics and rules of dysfunctional families seem familiar to you?
  • Do you think your family could be going through this?
  • Is it difficult to talk about important and deep issues in your family?
  • Do you feel that you cannot express yourself or be who you are?

If so, let me tell you that you are not alone in this. In our society, it is more and more common to see these family traits. But, remember, it is possible to transform family dysfunction into functionality.

I invite you to read our next post, in which we will continue talking about dysfunctional families. So, you can learn what can do to overcome this “family script.”

God bless you.

How do we react to emotional trauma?

The situations we lived in our childhood leave a mark on us for better or for worse. These marks last for a lifetime. They are called emotional trauma. If our parents or relatives have hurt us emotionally, or if we belong to a dysfunctional family; it will be up to us to take advantage of these experiences. You can use them as motivation to make changes in our lives to avoid continuing the behavior patterns we saw in our homes.

Emotional trauma

When we look back at our past, and our childhood, we can discover and recognize interpersonal situations that directly influenced who we are today.

According to Horney, basic anxiety (and therefore neurosis itself) could be the result of a variety of critical interpersonal situations we experienced at an early age, including:

“… direct or indirect domination, indifference, erratic behavior, lack of respect for the child’s individual needs, contemptuous attitude, excess or lack of admiration, lack of reliable affection, having to take sides in parental disagreements, too much or too little responsibility, overprotection, isolation, injustice, discrimination, broken promises, a hostile environment, and so on…” (Horney, 1945).

Three broad categories of neurotic needs of an emotional trauma

Throughout her work, Horney describes 10 neurotic needs that can be classified into three broad categories:

  1. Needs that move us towards others

These neurotic needs to make individuals seek affirmation and acceptance from those around them. They could be categorized as dependents, since they constantly and disproportionately seek other people’s approval and affection.

  1. Needs that move us away from others

Its main characteristic is what is called neurotic detachment. These individuals are often cold, indifferent, and distant. They could be categorized as schizoids. According to Horney herself, “they have an intimate need to put an emotional distance between themselves and others.”

  1. Needs that move us against others

These neurotic needs give room for hostility, antisocial behavior, and the need to control other people. They are individuals often described as difficult, dominant, or toxic.

How to use the neurotic needs

People who have well adapted use all three categories in a balanced way, shifting focus according to several internal and external factors. But for people who grew up in a dysfunctional home, they did not feel safe expressing their true emotions towards the people who were inflicting injuries. So, they defend themselves by expressing their anger against people they considered weaker than them.

The other alternative was to self-diminish and view themselves as a worthless person and worthy of the punishment received. Many times this was the action that their parents supported, telling them that it was all for their good (Miller, 1993).

Gestalt therapy talks about the defense mechanism of retroflection, in which the retroflecter does to himself/herself what he/she would like to do to others. The retroflecter is his/her own worst enemy. Instead of expressing emotions and feelings to promote change, he/she directs everything towards himself/herself, doing to himself/herself what they would do to other people. The person directs his/her energy the wrong way, becoming the object of action instead of the environment.

If this is your case, the truth is that you did not have someone who could understand how you felt or who could help you validate your emotions. You felt like a stranger in a strange land. As a result, you repressed your emotions, and your wounds remained unhealed until you reached adulthood.

Intergenerational transmission of emotional trauma

When you reached adulthood, you tried to heal those wounds. You do it by seeking to finally establish a relationship with someone who could understand you and help you heal those wounds. But, the process is not something done consciously and. Besides, you cannot control the other person the way you would like, you ended up not receiving emotional healing.

If all this effort you made to receive healing did not work, maybe because you gave up and tried to resolve these emotional traumas by focusing them on your children. Or by focusing on people who you perceive as weaker than you and easy to control. And now, you feel that you can do to them what other people did to you.

You need to be aware of your emotional trauma

But you do not feel guilty because you are not aware of the trauma you have in your mind. Possibly you treat your children the same way people treated you, thinking that everything is fine. As the adage goes: you cannot fix something until you know how it got broken.

If this is your case, possibly while you do not acknowledge or understand the harmful effects of what your parents or relatives did to you during childhood. You will destine to repeat the same cruel acts you learned from them. You will do it without perceiving them as such.

Instead, you will try to defend or justify your behavior. You will do it in the same way your parents did. So, they claimed they were necessary for you to grow and be like them. This is how traumas that produce dysfunction in our families transmit from generation to generation.

Do you know any other defense mechanisms for victims of dysfunctional parenting? Share it with us in the comments section, so we can help others identify other manifestations of emotional wounds. God bless you.

How do emotional traumas develop in families?

Families are living on a battlefield. The situations in our society have made it this way. How do emotional traumas develop in families?

Statistics about emotional traumas

Many professionals dedicate their time to studying this phenomenon. Among these professionals is Doctor Joyce Brothers, who presents some terrifying statistics (1984):

  • 8 million women are being frequently abused in their own homes. They are victims of men who had promised to love them.
  • About 3.4 – 4 million children are being physically abused by their parents.
  • The writer Susan Forward says that there are more than 10 million Americans who have participated in incest, and come from different economic, cultural, racial, educational, and religious backgrounds.
  • It estimates that by the age of 18, about 45 – 60% of children in this country have been victims of sexual abuse (DeMause, 1991).

What is a dysfunctional family?

Thus, a dysfunctional family is one in which conflicts, misbehavior, and, often, abuse by family members, happen regularly, which leads to other family members accommodating such actions. Healthy families also go through crises, but after the crisis, they go back to functioning normally.

To understand the process through which a family’s emotional dynamics transmit from one generation to the next one, we need to understand the systemic concept of the “intergenerational transmission process.”

It is the transmission of values, facts, secrets, stories, emotional dynamics, and dysfunctional behaviors from one generation to the next. When these aspects transmit in a non-elaborated or non-processed way, they go from one generation to another in the same way, affecting the family’s mental health and healthy balance.

Today, we will talk about the influence that the intergenerational transmission process has on the foundation of functional or dysfunctional families, o their characteristics. We also see how it causes emotional traumas and how the dysfunctional cycle in the family can be broken.

How do emotional traumas develop in a family?

Some families have dysfunctional behavioral patterns that go from one generation to the next. These patterns can be alcoholism, consuming drugs, emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, mental illnesses, and an autocratic parenting style.

Let me tell you the story about a man named Pedro. His life story is a sad one. I met him when I was living in Philadelphia. His wife, a church member, called me one day. She desperately said to me: “Please, Pastor, do something for my husband. He is addicted to heroin.” When he had no money to buy drugs, he would sell whatever he found in their house he could buy drugs.

One day, I saw him in an abandoned house buying drugs. He told me his story. His father was an alcoholic, so he introduced Pedro to that world when he was still very young. And, from that moment on, that teenager’s life of no control began. He went from drinking to consuming marijuana. Then, from marijuana to cocaine, and then to heroin. This is the story of a young man who grew up in a dysfunctional home and got lost inside the addiction maze.

Emotional traumas are common in dysfunctional families

The toxic effects of dysfunctional families cannot measure. Children are the most affected in this type of family. All of these maladaptive behaviors take away the possibility of having a happy childhood. They also avoid the parent’s need to become functional adults in the future. Behavioral patterns become a “family script.”

There are several clinical studies that it proved that small emotional wounds produce daily and the lack of attachment with our parents can produce traumas that last a long time. These emotional traumas were produced every time:

  • they were not taken seriously
  • when someone mocked them or made fun of them,
  • when they do not allow expressing what they felt.
  • Specialty, when they do not treat like people who have their own will.

Self-esteem and emotional traumas

And many wounds that were inflicted when they were told:

  • to go away,
  • get lost,
  • close your mouth,
  • get out,
  • do not act like that…
  • or do not be such a…

All of these experiences were emotional traumas that inflicted wounds on their self-esteem. Even if it was the scenario in your home and family. Or even if today it is the scenario you have in the family you have built. Well, I have good news for you.

Even so, the deepest traits of our personality affected by adverse situations can transform. Yes, with the desire to change and improve as human beings and to be the best version of ourselves in Jesus Christ.

  • Maybe this is something you already know, maybe you identify with Pedro’s story because you grew up in a dysfunctional home, a dysfunctional family.
  • Maybe you have not realized that those emotional wounds that have not healed yet are affecting your life and your own family’s dynamics, the family you have built.
  • Or, maybe you see yourself repeating those same words to your children, the words that hurt you when you were a child, and that your parents said when they disapproved of you.

Do you want to know more about this topic? Then, I want to invite you to read our next posts, in which we will continue studying the main effects and characteristics of dysfunctional families so that you can overcome these difficulties. God bless you.

Developing Emotional Maturity in your life

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Today, let’s talk about emotional maturity. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23). When connected to God’s Spirit, we can grow in a fruit that produces emotional maturity.

In one way or another, your emotional maturity will ultimately lie in your ability to be fully dependent on God’s Spirit to provide you with wisdom and to give you the will to act according to His faithfulness, not our moodiness.

The person with self-control works on his/her emotions with a rational mind, that is, he/she knows that thoughts control what he/she feels. In order to be happy, it is necessary to pay better attention to our needs and to master the mental habits that can lead us to having more positive thoughts.

It means that a sad person or a person with fear is immersed in a spiral of emotions he/she cannot control, preventing him/her from focusing and thinking clearly.

How to develop Emotional Maturity

It is obvious that emotional maturity does not just arise from thin air. It requires work, will, effort, and the desire to look within. Likewise, it is not just having your head in its place, but also your heart. Being a mature person gives you a certain sense of serenity and stability over time.

Not everyone has the same level of emotional maturity. Everyone has their own rhythm. There are people close to their 40s who still do not assume responsibilities. They are unable to engage in their own daily lives, and you see them developing childish behaviors.

Emotional immaturity

Behind emotional immaturity, there may be some hidden brain failures. Perhaps it is not just about being a capricious person, but one whose maturity is still in the developmental process.

The brain continues to develop after childhood and adolescence. It is not fully mature until we are in our 30s, and it does not even reach its fullness until we are 40 years old. It is worth asking, what are the features of emotional maturity in an adult person? Am I an emotionally mature person, so to speak?

Emotional maturity

Now, “emotional maturity” is a term used on people who have high emotional intelligence and have learned to self-regulate. Take this opportunity to introduce a new idea into your mind: Emotional maturity begins when you can accept people and things as they really are. Self-control leads to a better understanding of our emotions and those of others.

When a person gets along with others, it fits what they feel, and they respond according to the circumstances.

Maturity is the concept that defines a person who can empathize with others, analyze a situation in an impartial way, and control his/her emotions in order to achieve his/her purposes satisfactorily. The goal is to put into practice the principles of empathy when people are in a situation of conflict or discomfort with another person.

The main characteristic of emotional maturity

The main characteristic in a mature person is maintaining mental serenity, and for that, you must accept that life has emotional ups and downs, bad ones and lesser bad ones, good ones and better ones. Accept, judge less, and be more curious. Life changes constantly.

Create original stories, humorous ones. Keep in mind that what you say more about you than about the other person. All this involves the attitude that a mature person possesses.

Do you want to know if you are in the process of developing emotional maturity? Ask yourself: do I make firm decisions? Do I have emotional independence? Start to see your process of emotional maturity progressively. Step by step, you can move towards emotional independence and interdependence when you work with others.

Read the book “Learning to Love” and discover how to acquire emotional maturity in your life.

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Learning to Love -Key for happiness

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] I thought I knew how to love, and I won’t have to worry about learning to love. I was married to my beautiful wife, Zoraida. And was ready to make her happy for the rest of her life. So, I was confident that being raised in an Adventist home was more than enough to make me a good husband.

However, when the honeymoon ended, I began to see all my wife’s imperfections and suddenly began to mistreat her in ways I thought I never would. The good behaviors I wanted to practice with my wife, I did not do, and the bad behaviors I never thought I would show, I did. I had the same problem that Paul describes in Romans 7:19, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”

Be able of learning to love

What was the problem? The answer we usually have for this issue is that we are sinners and that we have a sinful nature. This is correct, but it is not an excuse I could use to justify my negative behavior. Another answer is that we do not know how to love. But how could I say that I did not know how to love if I had been in love for almost my entire life?

It is a different thing to say that you are in love than to say that you know how to love. I am talking about Agape love, the divine love that is sacrificial and unconditional. The love, described in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13, is not governed by emotion but by a principle.

Why the need of learning to love

So, why didn’t I know how to love? I did not know how to love because the way I showed love was connected to my lack of emotional growth. My biological growth was not proportional to my emotional growth. In other words, I could have been 50 years old, but I was still behaving like an infant emotionally.

Neuroscience generally divides the mind into two dimensions: the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. The conscious mind is the one in charge of our short-term memory — everything we have in the present. The subconscious mind is the one in control of our involuntary actions, automatic thoughts, emotions, dreams, intuition, and impulses.

The important thing about these concepts is that, according to the psychological literature, the subconscious mind is the one that directs our life. 90 percent of all the decisions we make every day come from our subconscious minds.

A life script

Our subconscious mind performs certain actions before we can think about them consciously, thereby impacting our free will. These “little voices” are nothing but mere thoughts that emerge automatically in our minds. They are part of an internal life script that tells us where to go and what to do. This script determines the way we interpret the world and our basic way of being.

Unconsciously, we have been developing a life script since our childhood. We were influenced by our attachment figures, especially our parents or the people closest to us, and now we are almost obliged to represent these individuals in our life. This explains why I was behaving in ways that were hurting my wife’s feelings. My life was guided by the life script I had received from my parents.

What a life script is?

A life script is the mental programming that affects our lives. It gives us the language we want to use and the actions we are going to develop. It is not easy to be aware of the life script that we follow, but seeking to answer complicated questions about our existence makes the difference between conforming to the flow of “what there is” and truly following the path of a healthy heart.

Today, we all live life scripts influenced by someone from our past. That is the number one reason why we need to learn how to love. We are reliving the same emotional dynamic we had in our families, and if our parents were not teaching us how to love, we are probably going to find it difficult to show love for others.

Everyone lives love in a limited way until they learn how to transform their lives, and the fact that someone does not love may be due to a lack of knowledge about love. If we want to learn about cars, we will undoubtedly do it through a diligent study of cars. If we want to be chefs, surely, we will learn the culinary arts, and maybe even try to take some cooking classes.

How do we learn to love?

Nevertheless, it seems less obvious to us that if we want to give and receive love, we should devote at least some time, like the mechanic or the chef, to studying and learning to love. No mechanic or cook would ever believe that the mere fact of just wanting to obtain knowledge in these fields would make them experts. The same goes for love. It is necessary to learn how to love and be loved. How are we learning to love?

1. we need to practice self-awareness

We cannot change what we do not know. We need to find, with the help of the Holy Spirit, the imperfections we have in our lives that keep us away from God and others. In my case, if I wanted to learn how to love Zoraida, I needed to make myself aware that I was not managing my anger correctly.

I needed to understand the memories or experiences that I had in my subconscious mind that was preventing me from expressing my anger in a godly way. The first two chapters of the book “Learning to Love” present this issue and provide practical exercises to help readers make sense of their past and change their present behavior.

2. We need to increase our emotional intelligence

How do we grow in this area? By reflecting on our emotions and labeling them. Practice empathizing with yourself and others. Know your stressors. Be resilient. Practice responding rather than reacting. Increasing our emotional intelligence is a lifetime process, so do not give up.

3.  We need to renew our minds

The transformation of our minds is the work of the Holy Spirit. In the end, the most important task we have is to learn how to love God and others. The Apostle Paul said:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

We want to challenge our families and communities to learn how to love and be loved. We will conduct seminars in churches, schools, and many other institutions. And we also provide resources for every person who wants to learn how to love. Be part of this movement, #learningtolove. Visit our section where we provide more information about Learning to Love.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

An appeal for a better parent-child relationship

In this blog post, I would like to talk about the importance of the parent-child relationship. And I want to study this concept by analyzing the creation of Adam and Eve.

When God created Adam and Eve, he intended that they should live in intimacy with Him and with each other. When the unborn baby is inside his/her mother’s womb, the baby begins to develop a bond or connection with her. This bond prepares him/her for the parent-child attachment later in life. This relationship represented the affiliation and interaction of the parent with the unborn baby. And also, the parents’ desire to welcome him/her.

Parent-child relationship since pregnancy

After pregnancy, the baby moves from his/her mother’s womb, where all his/her needs met automatically, to a world where the newborn has to depend on fallible humans to survive. At this moment, the child begins to form an attachment behavioral system that will guide him/her when relating to others and surviving in a sinful world.

For the infant to learn how to interact with the new environment, he or she needs to develop biologically and cognitively. Whereas many mammals are physically able to defend themselves or run away from a threat right after being born, God created humans in a way that requires them to be dependent for years before they develop the capacity to adapt to the world and live in it. Infants need to depend on a caregiver to defend them in the face of many threats.

Parent-child relationship and intimacy with God

This fact shows the importance of intimacy with God. The Creator intentionally created human beings to live in a community as reciprocating selves. A reciprocating self exemplifies an I-Thou relationship based on the Christian concept of the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit).

Just as God lives in a community with the other members of the Godhead, human beings are supposed to relate with other-selves. Adam and Eve were created to represent the relational image of God. It was a relationship of intimacy, but at the same time, one of differentiation.

Analyzing the process that human beings follow to establish relationships, it seems that first, the child needs to develop an attachment behavioral system with his/her parents, which will teach him/her how to reciprocate love with another self. Later, as an adult, he or she may form a romantic relationship that may lead to matrimony.

The profound message of this concept is that before the child can be an “I,” he or she needs to be a “we.” He or she needs to form an I-Thou relationship with another human self before being an “I.” The importance of this process of attachment formation should not be underestimated.

The importance of life

Bowlby argued that the attachment of a child to his/her parents is very influential in determining the quality of the child’s future relationships. For this reason, parents need to value the importance of their influence and develop a healthier relationship with their children.

The future of our communities lies in the type of relationship we build with our little ones. These little ones will live tomorrow through the same emotional dynamics they have experienced in their family during childhood. I think we could do better in this area. What is your opinion? Share it with us in the comments section. God bless you.