Do not fall into the trap of a false identity

Today, identity is a topic that is found everywhere. So, the lack of knowledge about identity and the identity crisis that many people experience lead them to fall into the trap of a false identity. They can pretend to be something that they are not. Satan wants you to pretend to be what you are not. He knows that your identity in Christ will make you someone he cannot defeat. And that is why he tries his best to make you develop a false identity.

Three temptations that Satan offered Jesus and the false identity

In the book “The Emotionally Healthy Leader,” author Peter Scazzero talks about the three temptations that Satan offered Jesus after He was baptized and while He was on his 40 days of fasting. These are the same three temptations or false identities we experience today, and they can lead us to experience an identity crisis.

1. I am what I do (Achievements)

In Luke 4:1-4 Satan told Jesus to turn stones into bread so that he could prove He was God’s son. Those who minister from a broken identity find their identity in what they do.

They find their identity and dignity at work, in what they accomplish, and in how they perform. “Our culture will ask you: What goals have you achieved in life? How has your usefulness been proved? What is your job? Many consider themselves as valuable if they have achieved significant success in family, work, school, church, and relationships.”

For example, the pastor who does not have a well-defined identity and thinks that his pastoral identity is defined by his performance will question his identity. Specialty, when he does not reach the number of parishioners attending on Saturdays. Or even the number of people he believes he needs to have to be a successful pastor.

Or, if he does not reach the number of tithes or baptisms, or the administrative position in the conference he has been longing for so long, he will question his identity because, for him, it is focused on his performance and not on the call that God has given him.

 2. I am what I have (Possessions)

In Luke 4:5-8, Satan told Jesus that he would give Him all he showed to Him if He worshiped him. “I am what I possess” is part of the predominance of personal identity. We define ourselves by what we possess, whether they are things we own or the earthly things with which we fill our lives.

“Marketing specialists now spend more than fifteen billion dollars per year seducing children and teenagers into believing that they must have certain toys, clothes, iPods, etc. Their own identity depends on it. As adults, we measure ourselves through comparisons” (Peter Scazzero). I am a good pastor if I have a big church, I am a good pastor if I work in the conference offices because I got to the place where I wanted to be. I am a good pastor if I have a doctorate if I have a good car, and a good house if my children have gotten a good university degree.

3. I am what others think I am (Popularity)

In Luke 4:9-13, Satan told Jesus to jump off the pinnacle of the temple, inviting Him to define His pastoral ministry based on His popularity. When we get carried away by popularity, we let other people’s opinions define who we are. Our self-image is elevated with a compliment and is devastated by criticism. These are primary markers that the world, influenced by Satan, uses to measure success.

Hence, why humanity uses these same things to define itself and its self-esteem. This does not mean that what we do, what we minister, or what our testimony is to others is not important. But, in the center of our being, these things are not part of the identity God has given us.

Many of us give more value to what others think rather than what Jesus thinks of us. We live with a broken identity. We are characterized by fear, manipulation, possessiveness, self-promotion, and self-destruction.

Maybe, we remain trapped in a pretend life out of an unhealthy concern for what other people think. We define our identity based on the “likes” or followers we have on social networks. We define the success of our worship service based on the number of people who are watching our programs online. In other words, if you believe that if you are popular in church and are followed by many people, then you are a good pastor.

What do you think about this issue? What other ways can we fall into the trap of trying to lead with a false identity? Share your experience with us.

What is identity? – Ministering with a broken identity

Let’s see an identity problem example. On August 31, 2004, at 5:00 A.M., a Burger King employee in Richmond Hill, Georgia, found Kyle unconscious, naked, and lying on the ground behind a restaurant dumpster. Kyle’s skull had several injuries from being punched. He was taken to St. Joseph’s/Candler Hospital’s Emergency Room in Savannah. He did not have any identification with him, and he was admitted to the hospital as “Burger King Doe.” Kyle was diagnosed with severe amnesia.

He did not remember anything about him. Eventually, he remembered his name, it was Benjamin. But he did not remember anything else. He did not remember his social security number, or anything regarding his family, background, or job. His entire life was erased in the blink of an eye. There was no report of a stolen car, and hotels in the area had no recordings in which he could be seen. Two weeks later, he was transferred to the Memorial Health University Medical Center.

A case of an identity problem

This case was known throughout the country and was featured on several television programs, in hopes that someone would know who he was. The FBI intervened without any luck. Dr. Phil dedicated an entire TV episode to him and also launched a private investigation to find out who this man was, but it did not provide any information.

Only a nurse who had taken care of him at some point would be able to identify him. She took him to her home and began to help him. Kyle could not work nor receive social welfare because he did not have any type of identification. Several requests were made to the state so that he could get a new social security number, but it was all in vain. For many years, he was homeless.

In 2015, a forensic genealogist started to gather clues regarding Kyle’s family and located several relatives in the Carolinas. He was the descendant of a man who lived in the 19th century named Braham Lovely Powell. In September 2015, it was announced that Kyle’s relatives had been found and that his name was William Burgess Powell, born on August 29, 1948.

What if is this happened to you

Now imagine if this happened to you, that your whole identity was erased, that one Saturday you went to church to minister, something dramatic happened, and you lost all knowledge of who you are, an identity crisis in which you lose your, your present, and what your future will be. Imagine going through this for nine years. This is exactly what Satan wants to do with us.

He wants to distort our identity, to break it. Satan cannot destroy God, but how does he attack and destroy what God has created? He attacks God’s creatures’ identity since if he distorts it, he will destroy the essence of who they are, especially when we talk about pastoral identity.

We are living in unprecedented times. The pandemic has changed our history, it has influenced our identity as people, Christians, To of clarity jeopardizes both pastors and their congregations. Currently, pastors are shepherding on what we call a broken identity.

In this series of posts dedicated to the pastoral ministry, I want to address the concept of identity, the impact stress has on it, and, at the end of this article, we will talk about how to lead with a broken identity.

What does identity mean?

To understand what I mean by “pastors ministering with a broken identity,” we need to understand what identity is and how it works.

In its simplest form, we could say that “identity” is the way people see themselves in several contexts. It is from this concept that people have of themselves that they act, react, and behave.

Identity theorist psychologists Peter Burke and Jan Stets define identity through that set of meanings that define what a person is when he/she plays a particular role in society when he/she is a member of a particular group or claims to have particular characteristics that identify him/her as a unique person.[2]

God has given us an identity in Christ, one to which we can continue giving shape day by day on our journey to heaven. If in the process of identity formation, we ignore what God says about who we are, then we can expect to experience existential confusion and crisis.

Origin of our identity

Immediately after our birth, we receive an identity. The formation of that, however, is a long process. It is influenced by many factors, as we will see in this post. It is interesting to see that when Jesus was approximately thirty years old, the Father mentioned His identity at His baptism, just before entering His pastoral ministry. In the same way, identity in Christ must precede and support our call to go to Christ.

It is in this sense that Satan challenges each one of us, the same way he did with our Lord, leading to an identity crisis. The first attacks of the devil against Jesus were directed at His identity: “If you are the Son of God.” Once we accept the false identity that Satan wants to impose on us, our performance in the ministry will be clouded, and we will develop a broken pastoral identity.

Your life script influences your identity. Your life script was written in the first five years of your existence. It is influenced by the mandates, orders, emotional dynamics, and the psychosocial environment in which you grew up.

Your life script is the foundation of who you are as a person and defines your identity.

Levels of identity

Your identity can be conscious or unconscious. However, the truth is that it has a very strong influence on your behavior. Your behavior, your emotions, and reactions come from the sense of identity you may have. Since they are part of the life script you have stored in your unconscious. Identity is developed on three levels.

  • Firstly, pastors have a personal identity. It is centered on who we are in Christ, as children of God and stewards of His kingdom.
  • Second, pastors have role identities related to their jobs or responsibilities. That is a pastoral identity which is defined by the word of God. But it can be under the influence of the pastor’s life script. That is the context in which he develops his life, and his culture.
  • Third, the pastor has a social identity that is developed around the people close to him.

If we look at it from this perspective, we can say that a pastor has multiple identities. But there is one that is the foundation of the other identities he may have. That is the one that he receives in Jesus. He is a human being created by God, redeemed, and a citizen of His kingdom.

 

[1] M. Craig Barnes, The Pastor as Minor Poet: Texts and Subtexts in the Ministerial Life (Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans, 2009), 4.

[2] 2 Peter J. Burke and Jan E. Stets, Identity Theory (New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2009),

 

Mental Health Implications of COVID-19

As we enter the second year of the COVID-19 pandemic, mental health implications of coronavirus have evolved as a significant concern. The coronavirus outbreak has affected a significant number of people worldwide, halting everyday life as we knew it.

Day-to-day life was already stressful before the pandemic. However, new challenges during COVID-19 have taken a heavy toll on mental health and overall well-being for many people.

The pandemic has challenged us with severe lifestyle changes, interrupting our routines. In addition to everyday struggles, people now worry about getting sick or losing their job They also worry about going through financial hardship, and losing social connections.

The new social distancing rules, the necessity of wearing face masks, and lockdowns are enormous challenges for most people. For many people, the fear of dying or losing loved ones is just overwhelming. These challenges need to be addressed to prevent psychological consequences of the greatest health crisis in history.

Speaking about the mental health impact of COVID-19, mental health experts predict an increase in the following mental illnesses shortly:

Anxiety and Depression

From remote working and virtual homeschooling to coping with sickness and death due to the virus, COVID-19 challenges have contributed to increased mental health concerns, triggering mental health conditions, or aggravating existing ones in millions of people worldwide.

A rise in anxiety and depression symptoms is expected in a crisis like this. When we feel threatened, the amygdala in our brain activates the cognitive-emotional-physiological reaction known as the “flight or fight” response to help us adapt to stress.

Therefore, it is natural to experience anxiety in a crisis. However, excessive or continuous worry and fear can destabilize your resilience, harming your health and quality of life.

Mental health professionals are concerned that the incidence of anxiety, depression, and self-harming behaviors will increase significantly in the pandemic’s aftermath.

According to a recent study, the frequency of negative moods among children and their families increased significantly during the lockdown. Social isolation missed social development opportunities, childcare burdens, unemployment, income loss, and illnesses caused a decline in children’s and parent’s mental health.

For many people, uncertainty is one of the biggest COVID-19 challenges. A combination of uncertainty and responsibility can have a profound effect on one’s mental health, triggering or exacerbating symptoms of anxiety, depression, mood disorders, and other psychological concerns.

Burnout Syndrome

Apart from health care workers, who are beyond burned out, the state of complete exhaustion affects many people these days. Burnout is described as a state of exhaustion caused by excessive or chronic stress. It occurs due to emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion over a more extended period, and it differs from feeling stressed out now and then.

Burnout causes you to constantly feel exhausted without relief from it, triggering other health problems, reducing your motivation and productivity, and impairing your relationships.

Signs of burnout

Some common signs of burnout involve:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Mood swings
  • Self-esteem issues
  • Self-doubt
  • Feeling helpless and hopeless
  • Disturbed sleep
  • Social withdrawal
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Weakened immune system

Loneliness

Social distancing, quarantine, and lockdowns lead to isolation and loneliness, affecting people of all ages. Most frontline workers have stayed separated from their loved ones for weeks or even months.

The inability to travel has kept us separated from our families – many of us have not seen our parents, children, or spouses for a long time. Young people have missed out on social interaction opportunities, as school lessons, camps, proms, and sports events were canceled. This leads to loneliness and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Also, there is growing evidence that loneliness and isolation are linked to an increased risk of physical illness.

Parents worldwide are concerned about the increase in their children’s screen time. In the past year, children and adolescents have been engaging with technology more than ever.

Studies show that the false impression of connection that we get from technology and social media aggravates feelings of isolation and loneliness. The pandemic added fuel to the flames of alienation that our society has already absorbed.

Eating Disorders

Mental health experts say that specific mental illnesses such as eating disorders, social anxiety, or addictions thrive in isolation. People who struggled with addiction and eating disorders before the pandemic are struggling even more.

Spending more time in an environment that triggers unhealthy behaviors and being unable to get support, many people have sunken deeper into mental illnesses and substance abuse.

Eating disorders are about much more than food. These severe mental health conditions require evidence-based treatment and can worsen in times of increased anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns commonly related to eating disorders.

How to Cope with the COVID-19 Pandemic

Resilience to stress is crucial to finding a breather from the pandemic. How you manage stress in times of crisis can affect your mental and physical health, work productivity, relationships, and well-being in general.

Make Self-Care Your Priority

Self-care strategies such as getting enough sleep, mindful meditation, nutritious meals, regular physical activity, and safely spending time outdoors can help you manage coronavirus anxiety and improve your overall health.

Also, spending time with your loved ones and pets can have therapeutic benefits and help you manage anxiety and depression symptoms. Research shows that connecting with nature has uplifting effects because it can help you relax and let go of negative emotions and thoughts.

Regular physical activity is known to promote a variety of changes in the brain. Exercise has the power to stimulate the release of dopamine and endorphins, neurotransmitters also known as hormones of happiness. An increase of these neurotransmitters in your blood causes effects similar to what antidepressant medications do, revitalizing your spirits and making you feel good.

Consider Reaching Out to a Professional

If you feel that you are not equipped to manage stress, anxiety, and other mental health concerns on your own, seek help from a mental health professional. Counseling and psychotherapy can be a safe environment to address the issues you face and develop effective coping strategies.

Build an intimate relationship with God

The most important step you must take to cope with this pandemic and its effects on your daily life is to build an intimate and strong relationship with God. There is no stronger foundation than His very own being. There is no greater shelter than being surrounded by His loving arms. But can you cultivate an intimate relationship with God?

  • First, recognize Him as your Creator and Savior.
  • Secondly, try to spend some quality time with Him. You can do it through reading the Bible, praying, meditating about His word, and telling Him about our anxieties, worries, and problems.

The closer we get to God, the more sheltered we are going to feel. Remember what Philippians 4:6-7 says:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

This is the resource we have always had in times of crises, anguish, and uncertainty. In Psalm 94:19, we can see how David felt when he turned to God: “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” God can help you navigate these turbulent times. God bless you.

Resources

https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/living-with-loneliness-as-covid-19-pandemic-rages-on/

https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/covid-19

https://www.revistapcna.com/sites/default/files/008_0.pdf

https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/01/12/covid-mental-health-how-cope-emotional-exhaustion-and-burnout/4134289001/

https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00295-3

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

Self-compassion in the opposition of self-judgment

Self-judgment is the opposite of self-compassion because with self-compassion, according to Dr. Kristin Neff, a widely recognized world-leading expert on self-compassion, we “Give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

According to Dr. Neff, compassion, as opposed to mere pity, means realizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of our human experience. But to understand compassion, first, kindness needs to be considered. Compassion alludes to kindness.

To err is human. Jesus was a man, a man who lived here on earth, breathed our air, and felt our pain. He embraced all the attributes of God, and he had compassion for his people.

We are moved to speak of a Savior who suffered for the world, giving his life for us because he was moved to compassion. His gift of salvation moves us lovingly to live and act compassionately.

Why self-compassion is so difficult

However, when we find ourselves in situations that cause us anger or stress and cause us to lose control over our words or actions, it is possible to react without thinking. Unfortunately, a quick reaction can lead to mistakes. Looking to justify our lack of control or weakness, we quickly judge others or others and/or and/or blame ourselves or others.

We can all experience distressing moments at any time, and we can end up not only suffering a lot, but criticizing others and/or ourselves even more harshly.

Self-compassion can help us

However, the good news is that self-compassion can help us and others in many ways. First, to practice self-compassion, you have to be kind to yourself. Acting kindly and understandingly toward yourself means having the confidence to say to yourself, “It’s okay that I made a mistake, but I know I did my best and I won’t judge myself harshly for it.”

Intentionally find ways to be kind to yourself. When you feel like you’ve failed, seek the warmth and support of your inner voice. Most likely, you need to invite the presence of the Holy Spirit. Start a short sentence focusing on using affirmative words.

Other common ways to be kind to yourself include spending time with yourself. Now and then, spend some time doing something that brings health and joy, such as hobbies.

Hobbies give people a chance to decompress and relax. Hobbies allow us to free ourselves from stress while remaining mentally productive. According to the Mayo Clinic, having hobbies promotes better health and can reduce the risk of high blood pressure.

Be careful to provide the same care and kindness that you would give to others and extend it to yourself. Whenever you run into frustrations, failures, and … fill in the blank, forgive yourself first.

How to show self-compassion

When we fail, we judge ourselves quickly. Self-judgment is the opposite of self-compassion. Self-compassion, remember, begins with kindness to yourself. As Christians, when we fail and make mistakes, God forgives us. Likewise, God calls us to forgive others and to treat others as we would treat ourselves. How are you treating yourself? How are you treating others? Are these in agreement? Are you treating yourself and others with compassion and kindness?

To forgive yourself, mental health counselors recommend that their clients focus on acknowledging their present emotions. They also encourage clients to acknowledge the mistake and then rephrase it out loud as a learning experience. One element to keep in mind is understanding self-criticism and replacing it with objective self-recognition.

Another aspect of self-compassion is applying it to ourselves as if we are our good friends. The common consensus states that it is good to have friends, especially those who encourage you, do not blame you, and restore you.

A cross-sectional study of 271,053 adults, published in early 2017 by Michigan State University, revealed that valuing friendships was related to better health and well-being throughout life. It is good to have good friends who build you up and with whom you share joy. Likewise, it is important to be good friends with ourselves.

Even more, however, is being good friends of our Jesus, “I have called you friends,” Jesus said (John 15:15). He who understands how wonderfully we were made (Psalm 139: 14). Jesus was sensitive to the needs of all people. Let us also be sensitive to our needs and the needs of others. He practiced self-compassion. By being compassionate towards yourself, you will increase your chances of becoming even more compassionate towards others.

Test your level of self-compassion here!

By Kate-J.Life
M.Ed., MHFA

Source: Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

Family resilience before the crisis

The most important structure in our society, and even maybe in the universe, is the family. Let’s see the importance about the family resilience before the crisis. The concept of marriage and family is not a human invention, but a divine one. God created a prototype of what He was. He is a God manifested in three persons: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

When God said, “let us make man in our image, according to our likeness” (Genesis 1: 26,27), He was creating an image of what He Himself was, through the marriage of Adam and Eve, that is, a God who lives in community. In this sense, God is also a family unit. The Kingdom of God is made up of families. When He decided to create this world, He started with a family.

The family is the main cell of a society. It is the foundation of the values, beliefs, and virtues of its members. Its walls become a shelter of hope for the people in it. It is that place where you can face the greatest crises in life because that is why it built, to protect and safeguard its members.

Family resilience

What makes one family rise above in the face of suffering and adversity, while others remain stuck in the same place without moving forward in a crisis? The answer is a positivist concept in psychology: resilience. Resilience’s definition could not be simpler, said Boris Cyrulnik, who coined this concept. He said that resilience was starting a new development after trauma. Others have said that it is the ability to overcome painful and traumatic situations, coming out of them stronger.

This concept does not only attribute to individual models of facing adversity, but can also be contextualized in families and communities. Family resilience can define as the processes of reorganizing meanings and behaviors, and overcoming and adapting that take place in the family.

It also allows the family system to recover in times of crisis, just like the one we are currently living through with COVID-19. Resilience cushions the stress, reduces the risk of dysfunction, and supports optimal adaptation. It implies more than just handling stressful conditions, it implies the potential for transformation and personal and relational growth that can be forged by adversity.

In addition, it is marked by what happens not only after the traumatic event, but before it has happened. Several studies show that people with a childhood marked by abandonment, in which they could not develop emotional intelligence or learn how to regulate their emotions, are more likely to succumb to a crisis compared to people who had parents who allowed them to develop a secure attachment.

These people usually deal with a small neurological malformation that prevents them from controlling their emotions, and they collapse when facing a serious life event, such as losing their job due to the coronavirus, marital problems, or a similar crisis.

Seven Resilient Family Practices

Resilience is not innate. People do not learn when the crisis arrives. It is an attitude that must be learned from childhood, since the first months of human life are crucial to controlling emotions in adulthood. In other words, the family structure is the forger of resilience in its members

1. They trust in God

Resilient families trust God. They know that their future is in God’s hands and that no matter what it may hold, there is a happy world beyond. Their eyes are always fixed on that world where there will be no more crying or pain.

2. They are optimistic

They are optimistic because they believe in God’s power. It does not matter what crisis comes to the family, there will always be a glorious morning at dawn. Optimism helps overcome difficulties. They grow in the possibilities, but they also accept the things that cannot be changed.

3. They are flexible

Furthermore, they are flexible enough to understand the crisis they are living through and adapt to adverse circumstances. They change in order to face new challenges. Likewise, they build a new sense of normality as they reorganize themselves in the face of adversity. They are firm, but at the same time flexible while employing authoritative leadership.

4. Connectivity

They maintain connectivity in the middle of a crisis. Not only that, but they value mutual support, collaboration, and commitment. The individual needs, differences, and limits of each family member are respected. And when the crisis produces emotional wounds, the family seeks new ways to heal and restore relationships.

5. Open emotional expression

They promote sharing a variety of feelings (joy, happiness, sadness, anger). There is mutual empathy and great tolerance to each individual’s differences. They take responsibility for their own emotions and behaviors, and avoid judging others.

6. They see crises as opportunities

Nothing happens in life without God allowing it to happen. The ways in which the family interprets adversity determines the emotions they experience. Adversity can be seen as a calamity or an opportunity to grow in life. One decision leads to death and the other one to hope.

7. Solving problems in a collaborative way

They work together in order to solve their problems. They brainstorm, invent, and seize opportunities to grow in the face of adversity. Furthermore, they focus on clear goals, prepare to succeed, and learn from failure.

The banana tree is very resilient, even when it seems so weak. No fire or typhoon can kill it. Even if its body is cut into a thousand pieces, it can still survive. The only way to stop it from growing back is pulling it out completely. God has created the family with this ability to be resilient even in the most difficult trials because no trials will come upon us that we cannot bear.

The value of the family resilience

While we recognize the value of the family in the face of crisis, we also honor the value a mother has when helping the family in the midst of crises. It is the mother who begins preparing the small child so that he/she can be resilient before the crisis, and who helps her children develop emotional intelligence. She is the one who makes the difference in the family.

The mother’s role is decisive in the resilience of the children, and, together with the father’s work, they will have in their hands the formation of future adults who will know how to face the changes of life in a conscious and effective way, and who will overcome any crisis that befalls them, together, without separation, without family ruptures.

Each home taking God’s hand will build resilient people from the teachings at an early age. Society will count on adults whose emotional intelligence is well-developed. Those whose psychological and emotional stability will allow them to establish mature, healthy, and beneficial interpersonal relationships. These will guide them to having their own resilient families in the future. We can conclude then that resilience is the key to having a healthy, prosperous, and balanced society. Everything comes from the family and home.

Can I ask you all of my ignorant questions?

Can I ask you all of my ignorant questions? Honestly? Most people’s answer to this particular question is no. What would be your most immediate response to this question?

Psychologists agree that when people ask other people “ignorant” questions, most people feel uneasy and are often upset when asked.

So, what questions can be classified as ignorant questions?

Why ask an ignorant question?

For some, an ignorant question is when a person believes the question has already been answered, so why bother asking it?

It is scientifically proven that we learn about life by asking questions. Some common questions people ask about life are, for example:

• How do people see me?
• What / to whom did I do good today?
• Am I true to my values?

More importantly, answers to the most complicated life questions are resolved on our own.

Ask life questions

When faced with life questions, we pull from our life experiences to formulate the best possible answers. So living life is a great way to become a life expert. Over time, the compilation of our lived experiences shapes who we are in one way or another.

This is not yet evident when children are just beginning to go through life. For this reason, they love asking all kinds of questions. For example, through questions, children learn cause and effect relationships.

When thinking critically about storytelling, identifying cause and effect relationships within the story helps young readers focus their understanding of the story. The story’s focus is on what happens in the story and how it happened. What and how are two important elements of understanding. As an educator, it is important to develop a good understanding among young readers. Good understanding helps readers determine what is important, what and is a fact.

Going back to the types of questions, while some people will agree and others will disagree with the definition of an ignorant question, the most affirmative common denominator is the what and why questions.

Nonetheless, there are misinformed questions or poorly formulated questions. Poorly formulated questions can be dangerous. Misinformed questions typically contain incorrect assumptions. For this reason, it is important to understand the what and the why of questions to avoid making incorrect assumptions.

Sadly, most incorrect assumptions lead to negative reactions. Negative reactions invite conflict and misunderstandings. The good news is that we can avoid conflict and misunderstandings by avoiding negative assumptions.

Avoid making negative or incorrect assumptions

To avoid making negative or incorrect assumptions, we must clarify our communication. Most people make assumptions, but unfortunately, these assumptions tend to be negative.

Patience allows a person’s ideas to be fully communicated. And yes, an individual’s ideas are important but not more important than anyone else’s, and these ideas sometimes take time to be fully expressed and understood. A key takeaway here is always clarifying the assumptions about the sender and receiver parts of the message.

A receiver can do this by listening carefully, taking notes, or rephrasing what is being said by restating the message using their own words. By doing this, a listener can communicate to a speaker that they care about what is being said.

It is also recommended to avoid interrupting the speaker. If one must interrupt, one can gently indicate a pause to reflect on all that has been said.

Be a good listener

Overall, based on the Harvard Review, good listening skills help workers avoid conflict and misunderstandings by clarifying potentially incorrect assumptions. We benefit when we communicate well with each other.

Another issue with incorrect assumptions is inadvertently reacting to a perceived situation that may not accurately reflect what is happening due to hasty assumptions and judgments about the other person’s behavior.

Good listening skills improve human relationships and are an important tool for clarifying assumptions. Good listening skills help us develop the confidence necessary to lead and inspire a team, or to learn from others.

A word of caution. Although good listening skills allow the senders and receivers of messages to receive and interpret and process messages accurately, it is important to remember that this mainly comes from being willing to listen to others.

Here is the best example. There were Adam and Eve, who could eat fruits from all the trees except one. Yes, there were many trees in the garden. But God said that Adam and Eve could eat fruit from all but one tree. Then Adam and Eve ate the fruit and hid from God. Sometime later, God joined them and pretended not to know where and how they were. Adam and Eve felt vulnerable and were naked.

In these passages, God asked Adam, “Adam, where are you?” Theologically, this is a topic of a long conversation. Yet, Bible scholars agree that when God asks, “Adam, where are you?” the LORD intended to bring Adam to a place of responsibility. Accountability makes us better communicators and also encourages us to communicate expectations effectively. We benefit from being accountable for how we communicate.

Research about asking this kind of questions

Research has found that good listening skills promote positive workplaces. Organizations and decision-makers agree that good listening skills facilitate communication with the people they lead. Good listening skills increase employee confidence and reduce conflicts in the workplace.

In short, regardless of how we feel about or define an ignorant question, by asking a question, we communicate a need or desire to learn. A key takeaway is having the willingness to listen, to honor the question, and, more importantly, to honor the need or desire to learn.

A question is an open invitation to relate to others and build others. By answering others, we build ourselves.

By Kate-J.Life
M.Ed., MHF

How to make peace with your past II

In our last post, we talked about how our past can affect us and how our mind processes it, affecting not only in the way we perceive things, but also our physical health.

The daily rush that we are used to doing not let us realize that many things we are feeling are actually linked to things we are dragging along from our past, triggering emotions and stress in the present.

We also talked about why we should let go of the past. It is the best thing to do if we want to have a healthy body and a healthy mind. But, how can we start making peace with our past to eventually let it go and have the inner peace we are longing for? Here are seven steps that can help you accomplish it:

  1. Self-acceptance and self-compassion

You are not your trauma, and your trauma does not define you. Wherever you are in your healing process, accept that that is where you are for now, and be gentle and patient with yourself as you progress. Treat yourself as you would treat a small child, having compassion for the most vulnerable part of yourself, and what you have been through. Practice treating yourself with loving kindness and the respect you deserve.

  1. Practice forgiveness

While holding onto anger can serve to protect us from the pain that lies beneath it, eventually, it ends up hurting us and holding us back from being free and living the life we deserve. If you are holding onto self-blame, guilt, or shame, forgive yourself for being human and vulnerable – it is not your fault. If someone has hurt or betrayed you, forgiving them does not mean you have to condone their actions or accept their behavior, it is deciding that they no longer have power over you or your future.

  1. Seek support

Isolating and withdrawing are common after a traumatic event, but it is important to stay connected to people and seek out someone safe who can support you and help you feel less alone. Speak to your family doctor about services available in your community, or seek the support of a therapist, pastor, or a support group, either in person or online.

  1. Express your feelings

Your feelings are valid and important. When you commit to doing the work of feeling and processing your feelings, you will begin to release the trauma from your body and mind. Working with a licensed therapist is one of the most effective ways to do this, and they can provide access to evidence-based treatments including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), to re-frame problematic thoughts and thought patterns, Eye-Movement and Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, where memories are processed without needing to relive the traumatic experience, and Somatic Experiencing, a body-based therapy to help release trauma held in the body.

  1. Journal

You have the power to re-write your story and determine where you go from here. Documenting your healing journey can help you process thoughts and feelings and also deepen your therapeutic work.

  1. Self-care

Taking good care of your physical health will support your mental and emotional health. Begin by eating healthy and nutritious food, getting plenty of rest, and making time for exercise. Trauma is stored in the body, so it is important to get regular exercise to help restore balance, and at the same time, vigorous exercise where the heart rate is elevated for even 20 minutes a day will help decrease anxiety and lift your mood and overall feeling of well-being.

Mindful breathing, also known as conscious breathing, can help keep you anchored in the present moment, bringing your attention back into your body when the mind wanders into the past or projects into the future.

Positive self-talk and affirmations are beneficial, too. Remind yourself that by overcoming the challenges of the past, you can face whatever life brings your way. You are stronger than you think, and having survived the past, you can now take control of the future.

  1. Have an intimate relationship with God

When we take God’s hand and walk with Him, we become more and more aware of the good and bad things we have done in our lives, we understand what we have learned, we start living and appreciating the present and let go of the past. When we have an intimate relationship with God, we ask Him for His forgiveness, and He sees our true hearts and our true intentions, if we are being honest when asking for His forgiveness. So, when we receive His forgiveness, we start forgiving ourselves and forgiving those who have harmed us.

This way, our wounds can start healing, and our present becomes a new opportunity for us to start over and think about our future.

They are very powerful tools for us to use if we want to start letting go of the past and start healing from the inside. Our well-being is important, so we have to start taking care of our present so that we can enjoy it, and, in order to succeed, we need to star making peace with our past.

Do you know any other way to start making peace with our past? Have these steps helped you? Leave your answers in the comments section. God bless you.

References

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

How to Make Peace with Your Past

:Let’s talk about a subject that is very important in human life: How to make peace with your past.  When handled properly, it can be overcome, but when handled the wrong way, it can jeopardize relationships to the point of ending them and hurting people. We are talking about our past.

Why to make peace with your past

We all have had experiences that have marked us for good or for bad. Furthermore, we have good memories printed on our minds, moments, people, and places, but we all have bad memories too. They could even be traumatic ones.

Some people go through experiences we cannot even imagine, who have had difficult lives and need to process these experiences to overcome them and have a happy life. But, first, let’s see how our mind works in these scenarios.

How does your mind process traumatic experiences?

When an event overwhelms our ability to cope, either physically, mentally, or emotionally, we experience trauma, which can leave us feeling unsafe, helpless, and struggling with disturbing memories, emotions, and anxiety.

Trauma changes the way we perceive and experience the world and can have a lasting effect on the brain, affecting the behavior of people who did not previously have a mental health condition or even a predisposition to mental health issues.[1] For trauma survivors, after a disturbing or distressing event is over, the brain continues to react to the original stressor, keeping them in a constant state of hypervigilance. It is as if the mind is a soldier prepared for battle, on high alert, ready to face an enemy even though the war is over.

The symptoms of trauma

This scenario brings many symptoms that are not easy to handle. We might notice them, or we might not. The truth is that they can be there without us having the ability to relate them to what we are feeling inside, what we have in our minds, and the experiences we have dealt with. The symptoms of trauma can include:

  • intrusive thoughts,
  • anger,
  • irritability,
  • anxiety, and depression,
  • guilt or shame,
  • isolation or withdrawal from others,
  • dissociation,
  • feeling sadness or hopelessness,
  • and feeling disconnected or numb,
  • among others.

Other symptoms can reflect physically in our bodies due to what we feel in our minds. They may be immunological reactions, digestive symptoms, skin conditions, and others.

Psychological trauma causes the brain to activate mental alarm systems and defenses to protect itself from the perceived threat. The emotional response center of the brain, the amygdala, connects to the sympathetic nervous system. It is responsible for our fight, flight, or freeze response.

When the amygdala activates in response to trauma, it prepares us to escape or confront the threat or attack. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulating attention, awareness, and reasoning, is impeded by a trauma response, leading to difficulty paying attention and making decisions. Also, it impacts the hippocampus, the part of the brain associated with memory and learning, often leading to problems in those areas.

Why you should make peace with your past

Being in a constant state of fear, hypervigilance, or hyperarousal consumes a great deal of energy and focus, which can lead to mental and physical exhaustion, and potentially manifests itself as physical health issues.

Carrying trauma can impact our ability to trust others, and therefore our ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, including preventing us from fulfilling intimate relationships. While we live in the past, our memories will continue to drive behaviors that sabotage our life and hold back our freedom and the life we deserve.

However, the good news is that the brain can be re-wired to effectively heal from trauma. This malleability of the brain is called neuroplasticity. Thus, it is the ability to grow and create new healthy pathways and replace the maladaptive patterns keeping the mind in a trauma response. With the right treatment and support, you can:

  • heal your past,
  • take back control of your life,
  • and learn to feel safe mentally, physically, and emotionally.

When you make peace with your past

When you heal from past trauma, your relationships will improve, first with yourself as you restore trust and build self-confidence, and also with the people you care about. You will feel more inspired and engaged in life, ultimately living life with greater creativity, joy, meaning, and purpose.

Have you experienced any traumatic situations in your life? Do you identify with some of these symptoms? Did know that the way we process our experiences can have an impact on the way our brain and bodywork? Then, share your answers with us in the comments section. So we can all enrich our experiences when dealing with these issues. God bless you.

[1] American Psychological Association, https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2007/05/brain-function

There is no intimacy without vulnerability

Let’s continue with the previous post. Intimacy is the basis for us to know God and our neighbor, which also includes our spouse. But it is difficult to put into practice if we have not learned to have intimacy in our families.

Sadly, history tells us that Adam and Eve disobeyed and sinned by breaking their close relationship. Sin is the number one enemy of intimacy. The first four commandments deal with going against intimacy with God. And the other six are about going against intimacy with our neighbor.

Intimacy and vulnerability between God and mankind

When the intimate relationship that existed between God and mankind was broken as a result of disobedience, the intimate relationship between men and their neighbors was also broken.

Gen. 3:7 says: “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.”

The expression “the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked” speaks of the powerful effect of guilt. This is the emotion that is felt when we have failed God, our neighbor, or ourselves. When we violate God’s trust or our neighbor’s, guilt is experienced.

“Their eyes were opened” refers not to the physical transformation, but the knowledge of good and bad. It means that they recognized that they had sinned, and the result of their discovery was experiencing guilt and shame. This feeling of guilt led them to understand that they were naked before God and their neighbor.

Emotions that influence our intimacy

Guilt is a primary emotion. The primary emotional responses are a direct reaction from the amygdala, consistent with the immediate situation, helping Adam and Eve give the appropriate response to the situation. If guilt is not dealt with properly, it leads the person to feel shame. This is exactly what happened. The last part of verse 7 says that they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings because they were ashamed of their nakedness. Shame is enemy number one of intimacy.

The maladaptive or secondary emotions are also direct reactions to situations, but they no longer help the person deal with the situation that provoked them constructively. Rather, they interfere with effective functioning.

Secondary reactive emotions follow a primary response. In the secondary emotions, Adam and Eve reacted against the initial primary adaptive emotion (guilt), and it was replaced with a secondary emotion, shame. This “reaction to reaction” darkens or transforms the original emotion (guilt) and leads to actions that, again, are not entirely appropriate for the situation.

Before sin, it was natural for them to be naked before God and their neighbor, but guilt showed that they had broken God’s trust and their neighbor’s, and they felt ashamed. They now had something to be ashamed of, something to hide. They could no longer afford to be transparent because being so would lead to judgment.

Shame and vulnerability

What is shame? It is the intense, painful feeling or experience that comes from believing that you are inferior and therefore not worthy of being loved and belonging. Shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of having failed and not being capable enough as a human being. It feels like you are bleeding inside.

That is why our insecurities push us to put on some clothes, to cover ourselves so that we are not known and rejected, just as Adam and Eve did. We want to avoid being hurt. We try to keep things as quiet as possible, so we do not share anything that someone could question about us. Many of us have covered ourselves with emotional clothes.

Emotional clothes that prevent intimacy

Does all this sound familiar to you? Many times, we feel the same way Adam and Eve did, ashamed of what we have done, for having broken our intimate relationships, either with God or with others.

Sometimes it happens that our spouses have no idea who we are. Our thoughts, desires, frustrations, and feelings are all buried under protective layers because we have not established an intimate relationship. We have been hurt, and we hurt others. We have been victims of abuse, and we abuse others. Sadly, many people respond by adding another layer of isolation and hiding from their spouses, children, friends, and church members and that is why intimacy does not exist nowadays.

Three reactions to shame

Dr. Linda Hartling talks about three reactions to shame. There is the group we just have mentioned, the ones who leave, hide, or retreat. The other group are those who move toward other people, but not to be intimate, but to appease and please. These are the ones who become addicted to pleasing others but do not get intimate.

The last group moves against others by trying to gain power over others by being aggressive and using shame to combat shame. These are the ones who have problems with anger management, who are aggressive, who use any means they can to produce shame in those around them, to calm the emotional pain they feel from their past.

The pain that is felt due to rejection and shame, the pain that leads us to hide and avoid intimacy at all costs, is very deep.

In 2011, a study sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health found that when it comes to the brain, physical pain and the intense experience of social rejection hurt equally. Advances in neuroscience have confirmed that emotions can turn into wounds and cause pain. This is the pain that leads many to react the way they do.

Shame is an enemy of intimacy

You cannot experience shame and intimacy at the same time. The deepest wound carried by a person driven by shame is the inability to establish intimate relationships.

Do you understand now why when God approaches Adam and Eve to talk to them, they run and hide? There is no intimacy when your shame leads you to hide your true identity.

Do you understand why it seems difficult for you to be intimate with God? Your family’s shame, mistakes, tragedies, trauma, abuse, and generational shame has led you to distance yourself from God. Or maybe all of this has led you to seek God but not in the right way, or perhaps your shame has led you to rebel against God, blaming Him for the sad things that have happened to you.

Do you understand why it is hard for you to be intimate with your children? It is because you live hidden behind fig leaves to cover your shame. You hide behind the trees using perfectionism, the victim mentality that leads you to mistreat your children by demanding they live a holy life, a life that you have not been able to live.

Vulnerabitity with your children

How can you be intimate with your children when your shame leads you to live a false life? How can you experience true intimacy with your spouse when you hide the truth of your past from him/her, and the only time you want to be intimate is when you want to have sex? God did not create sex just to satisfy a glandular desire. You cannot be intimate as long as your true is hidden behind emotional clothes.

The lack of intimacy developed in our families is why this society is building men and women with anxious, ambivalent, and avoidant attachments. These people with insecurity problems find it difficult to develop intimacy with others.

A couple that is emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically intimate does not get divorced because true intimacy is the antidote to divorce.

The secret to regaining intimacy

In Genesis 3:9-13, God is looking for Adam and Eve. They were afraid and hid because they were naked. What would have happened if they had not come out from hiding? If we analyze it, Adam and Eve made themselves vulnerable before God, they showed their nakedness and told Him what had happened.

Therefore, the first element of the formula is to be vulnerable. But there is a false concept: I cannot take the risk of revealing my deepest feelings. If I let others know what I am, I might be rejected. This false concept stops many, preventing them from becoming vulnerable and thus achieving intimacy.

What the word vulnerability means?

Have you ever wondered what the word vulnerability means? The word vulnerability comes from the Latin vulnerable, which means to hurt. Being vulnerable means being open to attack, exposed, and powerless.

Vulnerability in a relationship requires the courage to love, but openly, to be honest regarding your feelings and doubts. It also involves the willingness to risk exposing the truth about a painful past and some emotional difficulty. Vulnerability is being open to pain, but it also opens the door for the blessing of intimacy.

To you

A dear friend who is reading these lines.

I challenge you today to take your mask off and have the courage to be imperfect and to love yourself. Have the courage to let go of what you believe you should be, so you can become what you are. And how can you do it? By being authentic and asking for Heavenly help, and, if necessary, professional help. Besides, if you accept negative emotions, you will be on your way to true intimacy with God and others.

Have you ever experienced the benefit of allowing vulnerability in your life, in your interpersonal relationships? What effect or changes did it make in your life? Share your answers with us in the comments section. God bless you.

What you need to know about intimacy

Today, intimacy is not fully understood. There are misconceptions about intimacy, and that is why I want to write about this topic. For example, many say that: 1) Intimacy is sexual participation with another person. 2) Intimacy is always expressed physically. 3) Marriage will naturally produce intimacy. 4) Intimacy can only be found in relationships with people of the opposite sex. 5) Intimacy is a feeling of closeness. 6) Once you develop intimacy, you will always have it.

Studies of the intimacy

Having these misconceptions about intimacy has led us to experience serious relationship problems in all dimensions. Divorce rates tell us that the lack of intimate relationships is why they have increased in the last 20 years.

Studies on the Attachment Theory in children have shown that the lack of parental attachment/intimacy with children affects the way these children develop romantic relationships (Bowlby, 1980; Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Other studies argue that the influence of these traumatic attachment experiences in childhood affects the neurobiological system that regulates social and emotional behavior (Reite & Boccia, 1994).

What is intimacy?

What does the word intimacy mean? This word derives from the Latin intimus, which means “the deepest part of us.” It is a close relationship between two people who feel safe enough to share their deepest feelings.

An intimate relationship is a gift from God. We were created to be intimate with God. God lives in intimacy with the Deity. Genesis 1:26-28 says that God created us in His image, His relational image. We were created to have an I-YOU relationship with God and our neighbor, in which intimacy is the key to the relationship, where there can be reciprocity, giving, and receiving love.

We were created so that we could live in an intimate relationship with our neighbors. Gen. 2:18 says that Adam was alone. God knows everything. God wanted to highlight the importance of intimacy, and that is why He presents man in solitude, unable to fulfill the function for which he was created.

The man needed to have another being similar to him so that he could emulate the intimate relationship he would have with the Creator. Therefore, God brought Eve to him and Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This is a person with whom I can have full intimacy.”

The Sabbath

Notice the following: the two institutions God established at the moment of the Creation were made to express the highest type of intimacy. God instituted the Sabbath so that human beings could express themselves in the highest form, the intimacy with God. God instituted marriage so that humankind could also express itself in the highest form, the intimacy with the neighbor (spouse) by becoming one flesh.

If we consider the institution of the Sabbath from the perspective of the Jewish people, the Sabbath was instituted so that humans could rest in God and procreate. This reflects the essence of mankind: created to live in intimacy with God and the neighbor.

The marriage

In the marriage sermon, God gave to Adam and Eve, the order: “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and they shall be one flesh.”

God calls for leaving the intimate relationship that the couple had in their families. So that they could join their spouse and begin to experience intimacy in the new family unit. That is why, the level of intimacy you have with your spouse will be closely linked to the level of intimacy you learned in your childhood home.

Genesis 2:25 says that “they were naked and were not ashamed.” What does God want to highlight through the biblical author in this chapter? This is the most graphic kind of marital intimacy: two different people, equal in value, with a deeply emotional, spiritual, and, physical relationship, in total transparency, without fear of being known. This is the kind of openness, acceptance, trust, and excitement I refer to when I use the word intimacy.

Types of intimacy

It is obvious that it is about physical nakedness, but he is implying spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and recreational nakedness that manifests itself in the domains of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy

You must feel free to express your feelings, without fear of being judged or rejected. A very important part of achieving this connection is self-knowledge, since the better we know how we feel and why. The easier it will be for us to explain it to our spouses and to understand situations that disturb our peace.

Intellectual intimacy

Your partner hears all your ideas (even the craziest ones). Is it easy for the two of you to stay up all night talking about several topics? That is: what we share and listen to enriches each other. This concept is super important. It has a lot to do with the admiration we feel towards the other person.

Recreational intimacy

It involves everything from going to the park to reading a book together, or sharing any activity that you enjoy doing together and are passionate about. So, some couples have hobbies in common, which is very beneficial to counteract the routine that may lead some relationships to fail.

Sexual intimacy

Kisses, caresses, massages… dare to experiment in your sexual intimacy, to get to know each other and share your likes. A passionate weekend getaway. The ideas have no limits.

Now we know the different types of intimacy that exist. We also know how important they are to a close and deep relationship with our spouse. By overcoming shame and becoming vulnerable to the other, we will achieve intimacy. It applies both in our relationship with God and in our relationship with others.

Do you want to know how we can deal with shame? How can we repair that intimate relationship that has been broken or that we have not built yet? Do you want to feel the joy of being able to establish an intimate relationship with God and with your neighbor? If your answer is yes, then, I invite you to read our next post. So you can see that there is hope amidst the shame. God bless you.