How to forgive when you cannot forget?

The complexity of romantic relationships, and how they are affected by different life events, is quite extensive. Much more so if we get into the subject of how to forgive when you cannot forget.

A grudge or resentment is something we have all experienced at one time or another, but when the person to whom this burden is being directed is someone close, the consequences will be greater. A father, a mother, a child or sibling, and of course, our romantic partners.

Even so, you have to consider a great truth of life, one that I am going to reveal to you at this moment, and that is that you do not have to forget to forgive. Forgiveness is often just remembering without hurting, getting rid of negative burdens and moving on.

God has taught us over and over again the value of forgiveness, its importance in this world, and how capable we are of doing His will. So, it is up to you to find the best tools for this purpose.

The keys for how to forgive

In my consultations, it is painful to see how some marriages consider that forgiveness a one-time event. Forgiveness is a process. In the same way that a wound takes time to heal, the emotional wound produced by the wrongdoing also takes time to heal. For this reason, after you decide to extend the gift of forgiveness, you will find yourself remembering the painful experience.

If your spouse decides to forgive you today for forgetting the wedding anniversary, it does not mean that tomorrow everything will be solved with a “sorry.” The same thing happens with bigger mistakes, so if you as a couple and as individuals have decided to provide the gift of forgiveness to your spouse, it is important to be patient through this healing process.

Hiding feelings, disguising resentment, and consistently being paranoid is not healthy for anyone. The pain may not go away instantly, but it can be worked through. The process will depend on the seriousness of the offense. If you are committed to forgiving a difficult spouse, a book that I recommend reading is Dr. Gary and Ted Cunningham’s From Anger to Intimacy., which talks more in depth about the digressions that marriages face in relation to forgiveness.

I would also like to give you some tips on how to forgive a difficult spouse in a wise and emotionally healthy way:

Combating the retaliatory attitude

As children, we learn to retaliate against what we don’t like. For example, if your playmate hits you, you hit back. If they said something bad to you, you do the same, or you may have done something worse. This is a behavior that we probably continue to repeat as adults, but in a more disguised way. Why?

Because we believe that by responding in the same way, we will hurt the other person as much as they hurt us. So, it shouldn’t “hurt as much,” right?

When we commit ourselves before God to another person, we form a very intimate bond, one capable of revealing weaknesses never said in public. So therein lies a very sensitive piece of information. The husband knows how to hurt the wife, and vice versa, leading to serious retaliation in marriages.

God has always known this, and that is why He warns that retaliation is forbidden. “Retaliation” will feel good immediately, of course, but at what cost? Our Lord knows the harm of retaliation and how it can destroy human life. Don’t fall for it.

Recognize that you can only change yourself

You are not responsible or capable of changing your spouse’s behavior, so keep this in mind. When hope for fighting for a marriage vanishes on one side, the relationship will decline.

But it is never too late for hope to revive. So when, for example, a spouse speaks discouraging words or is not expressive enough with his or her emotions, you need to talk to him or her. In the first instances, they may not understand, but you must insist until you see the results.

Two people who were married in love do not stop being in love because they got married. It is right to blame the lack of communication or the lack of capacity to cheer up. All of this can be solved. By speaking up, expressing yourself and committing, the road to change is possible.

You can work on yourself with passion and devotion, accepting God’s grace in your heart. It is a task for both of you.

Love your spouse unconditionally

When we marry, we place no conditions or invisible rules on love and commitment. Jesus teaches us that love for a spouse is unconditional, just as God loves us.

Sometimes it is necessary to take the first step. Did Jesus wait for the spectators to repent as He hung on the cross? No, He asked His Father to forgive them because they did not have the capacity to understand what they were doing. You are capable of showing this attitude to those you love.

Responding to God instead of reacting to your spouse

If you are not able to forgive, you should question your relationship with God.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give, but if time passes, and you continue to harbor negative feelings, only the Lord can help you lighten your burdens.

Are you really listening to Him?

How to forgive and therapeutic change

What happens when you can’t forgive no matter how hard you try and keep stalling? Signs of this are avoidant, defensive, and depressive behaviors, all of which indicate that forgiveness is missing in the relationship. This is confirmed by the study “The efficacy of the Christian-adapted reach forgiveness intervention with African American Christian women.”

At the therapeutic level, this fear needs to be eliminated, but when the process is not adequate, the neural pathways created by the conditioning will only serve to reduce that fear. That fear will eventually return in the form of negative memories, thoughts, and feelings.

Therefore, in these cases, guidance and therapies customized to the particular experiences will be needed.

Final words

To forgive every day is a sign of virtue and overcoming, a sign that God’s grace is in us. That is why I would like you to share your experiences or opinions about this article, so that I may be able to help you.

Forgiveness and its meaning in the Bible

We talk about forgiveness every day. But do you know what forgiveness really means? I have noticed that many of my patients do not look at forgiveness with the same criteria, hence my approach.

We all learn according to the education we have, the people we know, and the emotional intelligence we have developed. So when they explain to me how they are not able to forgive, most of the time, the problem is that their definition of forgiveness is wrong.

It is impossible to practice something that we do not know, hence I would like for us to learn more about what forgiveness means and the myths that surround it together.

What is forgiveness?

According to the Royal Spanish Academy, to forgive is the action of remitting an offense, debt, or fault, while the Greek word “Aphiemi” translated as forgiveness implies letting go or to release. Similarly, another Greek word used for forgiveness, Charizomai, means to give free and unconditional forgiveness.

To exempt or release from contracted obligations is a way of analyzing it further. Also, forgiveness is seen as a kind of gift or an act of kindness to be given to another person, which at the same time is positive for the giver.

Keep in mind that the action of forgiving is not a feeling, it is an act of will, a decision where you choose not to talk or think about the negative aspects you experienced. By giving it, you will be exempting the guilty party from responsibility.

For my part, I recommend that the action of forgiving be seen more as an added benefit to the person to whom it will be granted because the truth is that those of us who are able to forgive are the ones who benefit the most.

Forgiveness is more than a feeling

It is a liberating action, but one that is still conflicting. It is not petty to feel afraid to give relief to the one who hurt you. Thinking of forgiveness as a gift to someone else, while believing that this person does not deserve it, and actually wanting them to suffer for their mistakes, are all thoughts that make us human. They are common. They are also heavy and exhausting.

However, if you think that not forgiving is a form of punishment for that person, I must make it clear to you that you are wrong.

You may think that not forgiving is a way to take care of our own wounds, to proclaim that the suffering still exists, and to validate your own feelings. If the person is not able to admit or understand how they hurt you, it is natural for you to conclude that they do not deserve your forgiveness.

Nevertheless, the only thing you are doing by holding on to forgiveness is slowly hurting yourself.

What is not forgiveness?

In order to forgive, we need to go through with four promises, which are: not to think about the incident, not to relive it, not to talk about it, and not to allow it to damage your present.

You may think I am talking about forgetting, when in reality, I am not. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process that needs time, which is different from the act of forgiving, an active process.

So, when God says, “and I will remember your sin no more (Isa 43:25),” He is implying that He is not able to forget our faults, but in forgiving us, He chooses not to mention or take these into account. We must follow his example. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing others. It is the opposite.

The consequences of not forgiving

When you are not able to forgive, you will believe that you are in your right. It is more important for you to continue justifying your version of the truth and claiming some sort of recompense for the unfair treatment you received.

If you don’t grant your forgiveness, it will mean that the other person is the one who is wrong. It is an act of confirming and validating your pain.

I can’t help but mention how I have seen over and over again a thought process that by forgiving someone, you are “okay” in the present with what they did, leading to thoughts like, “Are my feelings no longer relevant?” “Will all be forgotten?” “Is it over?”

Forgiveness is not the same as saying that your suffering is meaningless, or that your pain has disappeared. Nor is it the same as saying that you have returned to being the same person you were before. Forgiveness is an act of liberation that we all need, first, for ourselves.

What does the Bible say about forgiving?

The Bible gives us hundreds of lessons about forgiveness and how to apply it in our daily lives, the main one being that forgiveness is shown as the spiritual deliverance necessary to continue.

For example, in Romans 8:1, it is said that the forgiveness we have in Christ implies the release of sinners from God’s just penalty and the complete dismissal of all charges against us. Also, in Ephesians 4:32, it is explained that the forgiveness God shows us for our sins is the same forgiveness we should show to others.

As the Holy Scriptures tell us, forgiveness is inexhaustible. Besides, rather than a source of weakness, it is a source of healing and power. Power and strength do not lie in denial or in pretending to be superior to pain, but rather in accepting who we are, how we feel, and acting in the best possible way to live by the counsel of our Lord.

Remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, and is not granted primarily because the person involved deserves it. Instead, look at forgiveness as a deliberate act of love, mercy, and grace.

5 Myths about forgiving

Resentment, bitterness, and even despair all come from living in a state of denial of forgiveness. But I understand how not understanding what it entails and the good it will do could lead you away from it. With this in mind, I would like to tell you about five very famous myths about forgiveness, and that you need to know that they are just that, myths.

1. Equals forgetting:

If you think that forgiveness is the same as forgetting the acts, you are wrong. As we have already read, it does not mean that what was done will be erased. Forgiving and forgetting is even seen as psychologically impossible.

2. It implies that the pain is gone:

Nor does forgive mean that your feelings are not there. You are not a robot, you have emotions that are valuable and that we should all respect. Forgiving is a step towards healing.

3. If you are forgiving, you have already surrendered in the search for justice:

Desiring justice is not a bad thing. So by forgiving, you are not admitting that you do not want it to happen. God’s timing is perfect, so sooner or later, He will make it happen.

4. It is an invitation to be hurt again:

This is one of the most problematic myths, because no, forgiveness is not an act of submission or weakness; it is the opposite.

5. If you forgive once, it’s done:

The process of forgiveness takes more than a few minutes, and more than one stage. Only you can decide which stage is the right one, and it will not be a short one.

Final words

The act of forgiving enhances our spirit and our mind. I invite you to continue reading my articles on how to forgive and how to understand the process. Would you like to tell me about your case? I will be glad to answer any questions you may have about this.

Forgiveness in a couple: exercises and tips

Forgiveness in a couple is a thorny issue to deal with, especially in relation to timing. Keep in mind that, for example, forgiveness will not happen magically, but only when the negative patterns cease, along with grudges and resentment. It is a long process and one in which both parties need to compromise.

I would also like to remind you that there is a way out of negativity and bitterness. That mistakes or failures can be forgiven and you can continue with a strong relationship in the face of adversity. How? Here are some valuable exercises and advice.

 Exercises for forgiveness in a couple

If your spouse has made a mistake, or several, getting to the point of forgiveness will be a team effort. The process of forgiveness in couples is not simple, but it is possible, so I will give you these exercises:

Exercise #1: Talk sessions

Couples need to agree to communicate and to commit to the forgiveness process. To do this, I recommend that they choose a time and place where they feel comfortable. They need to turn off their cell phones or any electronic equipment that may distract them. Distractions also include children and pets. They need to be taken care of before this moment. The couple needs privacy.

When you open these talk sessions, I suggest that you keep in mind that venting all your frustrations at once is counterproductive. Divide the talks into different sessions with a common theme.

You both have to agree on that topic, and each one should express himself/herself in the way he/she wants. There are no time limits for this kind of meeting, and you should maintain eye contact.

Exercise #2: Listen, do not interrupt

When a couple talks, it is necessary to not interrupt the person who has the right to speak at that moment. Maybe the couple’s problem is that one partner always assumes they are right, so it is essential to let him or her defend his or her points of view.

You have to listen to your husband or wife with an open mind and adopt an attitude of support and  companionship, where they are there to listen to each other’s feelings.

However, if those feelings get the best of you, you need to stay calm and keep your thoughts calm. One of the most important pieces of advice I have for you is to look at everything objectively.

Exercise #3: Practice clarity

One factor that many couples lack is the ability to speak up. They do not practice clear enough communication, so when something is uncomfortable or you don’t feel you are getting what is fair, you need to talk about it, no matter how obvious it may sound or seem.

Men and women are children of God, but at the same time, our minds work very differently. As a man, you must understand this. As a woman, you must also understand this.

Sincerity cannot be lacking in a successful marriage.

Exercise #4: Forgiving small mistakes

Forgiveness in couples should be practiced daily because even if you don’t notice it at the moment, you may have done something small that hurt your partner. Today it seems insignificant, but when the negative actions accumulate, it could seriously deteriorate this bond.

Every time you feel that your partner committed an offense, point it out to him or her. The same applies to you. When we commit offenses, we should express our regret out loud. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand how important this situation was to you. Please forgive me,” can work wonders.

It depends on the seriousness of the offense, of course, and forgiveness may not be given instantly, but it is a demonstration of goodwill. Be patient if your partner is not yet ready to forgive you.

Exercise #5: Forgive when ready

There is no point in rushing forgiveness in couples if it is not sincere. It will backfire, so when you are ready to forgive, do it. State your intentions out loud, and with your heart in your hand. The word has power, so use it.

Once you feel able to grant forgiveness, it’s time to move on. Analyze where you both failed as a couple, and change the offending behaviors. Gratitude and affection should remain more present than ever.

How to maintain forgiveness in a couple

When you have been able to grant forgiveness in a couple, the work is not over. This is because forgiveness is not the end of the process. You need to keep forgiving and demonstrate that forgiveness was a step towards a better relationship.

It is an arduous task, and there may be relapses, but you will find gains in the small details. Here are some tips:

Your dates are sacred

Despite work, children, and other responsibilities, married couples need time for themselves.

I advise having at least one weekend date, just for yourselves, where you can talk and connect more deeply about your life as a married couple. Both wife and husband need to feel important in a marriage.

If work separates the two of you, use calls as a method of communication.

Many couples come to my office drained after long work days. Those that do not share enough in the day. In that case, a call during a break does not take much time, but it will make a big change.

Talk more in bed

Going to bed early as a couple might be more beneficial than you think. If you do this, you will most likely have plenty of time to spare before you can fall asleep. In those minutes, the sweetest and most intimate chats take place.

Final words about forgiveness in a couple

Forgiveness in a couple is constant work and a daily learning process. But I sincerely believe that the first step for good results is to entrust ourselves with God. With His guidance and blessing, we will be on the right path.

If you want to learn more about how forgiveness influences our lives, I invite you to read my other articles as well. Do you have doubts or questions? Let me know them, too.

Foundations of a healthy marriage

Do you know how a house is structured? Do you know the process for building a house? A house is made of several parts, each is important and has a specific role. Did you know that a marriage is built the same way as a house? Let’s see how to build a healthy marriage.

Foundations of a healthy marriage

A house requires three things: a foundation, walls, and ceiling. The house we are currently living in was built recently. We followed every step of its construction. The foundations, the walls, and the ceiling, everything were done in order, according to the architect’s design. Not following the architect’s plan is certain to lead to failure.

My wife loves decorating the house. She has plants all over the house, as well as mirrors, paintings, figurines, and furniture. But none of that is of any use if the house does not have a solid foundation, walls that resist storms, and a roof that protects everyone inside from inclement weather. Every aspect of the construction has an order and a purpose.

It’s the same in a marriage, which must have a good foundation, a good basis. It must have walls that protect it, and a ceiling. Everything must follow an order. Many people get married and believe that making love all day is enough and everything else in the marriage will work out just fine.

I have met men who have told me, “If my wife cooks well, that is enough for me.” Others say, “If she has a nice body, that is all I need.” This is like saying, “if my house has nice decorations, that is enough,” or, “if it has the right furniture, that is enough.” It is pointless to have decorations, furniture, flowers, or expensive items if the house does not have a good foundation and has not been built correctly. When the storms arrive, everything will collapse.

The Book of Matthew describes Jesus speaking about two builders: the one who built on rock and the one who built on sand.

What is building on the sand when it comes to marriage?

It is saying “I love you” on the wedding night and not repeating it ever again. In my office, I see many patients who come to me with complaints about husbands who do not tell them they love them and that they do not receive hugs from them.

  • Building a marriage on sand can also happen when, for example, a woman is willing to cook very good meals, but she does not want to be intimate with her husband. Intimacy is important in marriage.
  • Building a marriage on sand is when you drive a nice car for the year, but there is no money to pay for it. Financial problems are one cause of marital conflicts.
  • Marriage is also built on the sand when people want to be married, but they do not share quality time.
  • A marriage is built on the sand when there are no limits and there is room for other people, such as a mother-in-law or others, to interfere in the relationship.
  • It is also built on the sand when there is no time for God in the marriage. When people begin to have problems, during a hurricane, everything will collapse without God.

In the next posts, we will be talking about how to build a marriage on the firm rock that is Jesus Christ. But, to be able to build effectively on the rock, we must be clear about how to structure our marriage in such a way that it lasts and withstands all the changes that will come.

We will start by understanding the foundation that marriage must be built on to make it a happy, healthy, and blessed marriage.

The foundation of a healthy marriage

A marriage is built the same way a good foundation is laid when building a house. The foundation we lay to build our marriage will determine how strong it will be when all the life changes come. If it is a strong foundation, built on Jesus, our Rock, the marriage will be steady on the Rock no matter what problems come, or what storms hit.

On the contrary, if the foundations are anchored to banalities, appearances, deceptions, or lack of intimacy, storms will come and hit the weak foundations and the marriage will collapse in the face of change.

What foundation must every marriage have?

The answer is God. Yes, the foundation of every marriage is God! Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain (Psalm 127: 1). God instituted marriage, and He wants to be the center of it.

God said, “let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” What does this mean? That man was created in the image of God. Marriage is God’s invention and must show the relational image of God, a triune God manifested in three persons.

Since we are God’s creation, in his image and likeness, when building the marriage, we must put into practice the conception of love that comes from God, in which intimacy (not only sexual intimacy), understanding, respect, acceptance, harmony, and working together constitute the pillars of the foundations on which the rest of the structure of the house will lie.

And when we understand this great truth, we might ask ourselves, how do I build my marriage on that foundation that God provides? The answer is found in the truths and advice that God has left in his Word.

Spend time alone with God

the couple should have time to be alone with God. The couple takes time to pray together and stays together. This must be a priority in every Christian home. Pray as a married couple and family.

Follow God’s will

A couple who has God as the foundation of the relationship makes the decision to let God’s will define their lives. If God instituted marriage, don’t you think He knows which decisions are best to make in a marriage? How many relationships today are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt because they left God’s will aside to satisfy their desires and whims?

This was exactly what happened with Adam and Eve. They put God’s will aside to satisfy what seemed right before their eyes. That is why every couple must take the time to seek God’s will through the Holy Scriptures.

Forgiveness

A couple that has God as the foundation in their relationship forgives in the same way that God forgives us. One of the main teachings we can find in the Bible is that we must forgive, just as God forgives us. Forgiveness in marriage is one of the strongest foundations a relationship can have.

To err is human, but forgiving comes from God. He taught us that we must forgive. With forgiveness, wounds will heal, problems and conflicts will be resolved, and an opportunity will be given to correct mistakes. And, this way, the marriage will remain anchored to the rock, no matter how strong the storm that hits.

A healthy marriage

Everything said above will be supported by love as a strong basis, which will be the main material for not only the foundation of marriage but the entire structure. Unconditional love for God as your creator and unconditional love for your partner.

Have you stopped to think about the foundations of your marriage? Do those foundations reflect the relational image of God? Are those foundations strong, or are they weak foundations? Have you been beaten and weakened by life experiences?

Is there any other foundation you think could be of great importance? Share your answers with us in the comment section. This way we can enrich our experience together. God bless you.