It is a matter of attitude Part 1

by with No Comment Emotional IntelligenceSelf-awareness

We have often heard the phrase “it is a matter of attitude.” But, do we truly know what it means? Let’s start by defining what attitude is.

It is the effect a set of beliefs and values that are relatively stable over time have on the disposition or tendency to act in a certain way. It is a determining factor when it comes to taking an action and the type of emotion the activity generates, or the way of interacting when facing a situation or stimulus.

Development of attitude

An individual’s attitude is developed and depends on their environment. It can also depend on inherited or biological patterns, and the negative or positive reinforcement the person receives when facing certain stimuli.

Thus, the approach we take to situations will depend on the experiences we have lived and the internal and external factors that lead us to perceive that situation in a certain way. Therefore, how we act in a situation will depend on the attitude we decide to have when facing it.

The results and perspectives we get are a reflection of the actions we take that are motivated by the attitudes we manifest amid adversity or “good fortune.”

Sometimes the way we see life and how we face it makes the difference between happiness or sadness, between satisfaction or frustration. Sometimes, what happens to us or, at least, the way we perceive it, is a matter of attitude.

Perception and attitude

Many people have adopted a very pessimistic perception throughout their lives. And they do not find a way to overcome events that affect them. In this way, they avoid taking responsibility when facing life.

These people, generally, put all the responsibility regarding their “disgrace” outside their orbit of action. This is called an external locus of control. It is always the other person who is responsible for any negative situation in his/her life. Phrases like “you are the one to blame for all my problems” are common among these people.

The other group is the one who sees life with more optimism. They know the circumstances life brings them are challenges for them to grow. Therefore, they live with less stress. They tend to appear happier and smile more. They are the ones who know that life is not threatening itself, but what makes it “good” or “bad” is a matter of attitude.

For that reason, they have the freedom to choose how to face it. That is where the phrase “it is all about attitude” applies. We decide how to face events and situations. The results will depend on the approach we have and the attitude we take.

Joseph attitude

Very little is said about Joseph. Every sermon that is preached around this December holiday season is about Mary, the baby Jesus, the wise men, and the shepherds. But Joseph’s attitude in this whole plot of Jesus’ birth is interesting.

He was getting ready for his wedding with his fiancée Mary, coordinating the guests, the pastor who would marry them, and the place of the reception. Joseph was very busy when he saw Mary coming to him, crying, without knowing what to say.

After he asked her to tell him what was going on, she answered him: “I am pregnant, I am going to have a baby.” The first thing that came to Joseph’s mind was, “That baby is not mine, whose is it?”

How would you react to news like that? Maybe you would have cursed Mary, or regretted the day you met her. But Joseph did not. He had a different attitude. He was a just man, a man of integrity, and faithful to God. Likewise, he did not judge or draw his conclusions on the matter. But he simply decided to protect Mary because he loved her. And the best thing he could do was to separate from her without anyone noticing it.

And when he was ready to carry out his plan, the angel of the Lord approached him and explained everything that was happening with Mary. There, Joseph understood the purpose God had for him, for his life. The attitude he decided to take in the face of this situation made the difference. Yes, the difference between fleeing and having an important role in the history of the world, raising the Savior, who came to live in his very own home.

Your attitude when facing challenges

What is your attitude when facing challenges in your life? Do you have faith like Joseph? He did not doubt the angel of Jehovah’s message and had an important role in the history of the world. Are there any situations in your life that could have been different if you’d had a different attitude when facing them?

Do you think the attitude you have when facing situations influences how they turn out? Share your opinion and your experiences with us in the comments section and tell us your point of view. God bless you.

Developing Emotional Maturity in your life

by with 3 Comments Emotional Intelligence
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Today, let’s talk about emotional maturity. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23). When connected to God’s Spirit, we can grow in a fruit that produces emotional maturity.

In one way or another, your emotional maturity will ultimately lie in your ability to be fully dependent on God’s Spirit to provide you with wisdom and to give you the will to act according to His faithfulness, not our moodiness.

The person with self-control works on his/her emotions with a rational mind, that is, he/she knows that thoughts control what he/she feels. In order to be happy, it is necessary to pay better attention to our needs and to master the mental habits that can lead us to having more positive thoughts.

It means that a sad person or a person with fear is immersed in a spiral of emotions he/she cannot control, preventing him/her from focusing and thinking clearly.

How to develop Emotional Maturity

It is obvious that emotional maturity does not just arise from thin air. It requires work, will, effort, and the desire to look within. Likewise, it is not just having your head in its place, but also your heart. Being a mature person gives you a certain sense of serenity and stability over time.

Not everyone has the same level of emotional maturity. Everyone has their own rhythm. There are people close to their 40s who still do not assume responsibilities. They are unable to engage in their own daily lives, and you see them developing childish behaviors.

Emotional immaturity

Behind emotional immaturity, there may be some hidden brain failures. Perhaps it is not just about being a capricious person, but one whose maturity is still in the developmental process.

The brain continues to develop after childhood and adolescence. It is not fully mature until we are in our 30s, and it does not even reach its fullness until we are 40 years old. It is worth asking, what are the features of emotional maturity in an adult person? Am I an emotionally mature person, so to speak?

Emotional maturity

Now, “emotional maturity” is a term used on people who have high emotional intelligence and have learned to self-regulate. Take this opportunity to introduce a new idea into your mind: Emotional maturity begins when you can accept people and things as they really are. Self-control leads to a better understanding of our emotions and those of others.

When a person gets along with others, it fits what they feel, and they respond according to the circumstances.

Maturity is the concept that defines a person who can empathize with others, analyze a situation in an impartial way, and control his/her emotions in order to achieve his/her purposes satisfactorily. The goal is to put into practice the principles of empathy when people are in a situation of conflict or discomfort with another person.

The main characteristic of emotional maturity

The main characteristic in a mature person is maintaining mental serenity, and for that, you must accept that life has emotional ups and downs, bad ones and lesser bad ones, good ones and better ones. Accept, judge less, and be more curious. Life changes constantly.

Create original stories, humorous ones. Keep in mind that what you say more about you than about the other person. All this involves the attitude that a mature person possesses.

Do you want to know if you are in the process of developing emotional maturity? Ask yourself: do I make firm decisions? Do I have emotional independence? Start to see your process of emotional maturity progressively. Step by step, you can move towards emotional independence and interdependence when you work with others.

Read the book “Learning to Love” and discover how to acquire emotional maturity in your life.

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Learning to Love -Key for happiness

by with One Comment Emotional IntelligenceSelf-awareness
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] I thought I knew how to love, and I won’t have to worry about learning to love. I was married to my beautiful wife, Zoraida. And was ready to make her happy for the rest of her life. So, I was confident that being raised in an Adventist home was more than enough to make me a good husband.

However, when the honeymoon ended, I began to see all my wife’s imperfections and suddenly began to mistreat her in ways I thought I never would. The good behaviors I wanted to practice with my wife, I did not do, and the bad behaviors I never thought I would show, I did. I had the same problem that Paul describes in Romans 7:19, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”

Be able of learning to love

What was the problem? The answer we usually have for this issue is that we are sinners and that we have a sinful nature. This is correct, but it is not an excuse I could use to justify my negative behavior. Another answer is that we do not know how to love. But how could I say that I did not know how to love if I had been in love for almost my entire life?

It is a different thing to say that you are in love than to say that you know how to love. I am talking about Agape love, the divine love that is sacrificial and unconditional. The love, described in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13, is not governed by emotion but by a principle.

Why the need of learning to love

So, why didn’t I know how to love? I did not know how to love because the way I showed love was connected to my lack of emotional growth. My biological growth was not proportional to my emotional growth. In other words, I could have been 50 years old, but I was still behaving like an infant emotionally.

Neuroscience generally divides the mind into two dimensions: the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. The conscious mind is the one in charge of our short-term memory — everything we have in the present. The subconscious mind is the one in control of our involuntary actions, automatic thoughts, emotions, dreams, intuition, and impulses.

The important thing about these concepts is that, according to the psychological literature, the subconscious mind is the one that directs our life. 90 percent of all the decisions we make every day come from our subconscious minds.

A life script

Our subconscious mind performs certain actions before we can think about them consciously, thereby impacting our free will. These “little voices” are nothing but mere thoughts that emerge automatically in our minds. They are part of an internal life script that tells us where to go and what to do. This script determines the way we interpret the world and our basic way of being.

Unconsciously, we have been developing a life script since our childhood. We were influenced by our attachment figures, especially our parents or the people closest to us, and now we are almost obliged to represent these individuals in our life. This explains why I was behaving in ways that were hurting my wife’s feelings. My life was guided by the life script I had received from my parents.

What a life script is?

A life script is the mental programming that affects our lives. It gives us the language we want to use and the actions we are going to develop. It is not easy to be aware of the life script that we follow, but seeking to answer complicated questions about our existence makes the difference between conforming to the flow of “what there is” and truly following the path of a healthy heart.

Today, we all live life scripts influenced by someone from our past. That is the number one reason why we need to learn how to love. We are reliving the same emotional dynamic we had in our families, and if our parents were not teaching us how to love, we are probably going to find it difficult to show love for others.

Everyone lives love in a limited way until they learn how to transform their lives, and the fact that someone does not love may be due to a lack of knowledge about love. If we want to learn about cars, we will undoubtedly do it through a diligent study of cars. If we want to be chefs, surely, we will learn the culinary arts, and maybe even try to take some cooking classes.

How do we learn to love?

Nevertheless, it seems less obvious to us that if we want to give and receive love, we should devote at least some time, like the mechanic or the chef, to studying and learning to love. No mechanic or cook would ever believe that the mere fact of just wanting to obtain knowledge in these fields would make them experts. The same goes for love. It is necessary to learn how to love and be loved. How are we learning to love?

1. we need to practice self-awareness

We cannot change what we do not know. We need to find, with the help of the Holy Spirit, the imperfections we have in our lives that keep us away from God and others. In my case, if I wanted to learn how to love Zoraida, I needed to make myself aware that I was not managing my anger correctly.

I needed to understand the memories or experiences that I had in my subconscious mind that was preventing me from expressing my anger in a godly way. The first two chapters of the book “Learning to Love” present this issue and provide practical exercises to help readers make sense of their past and change their present behavior.

2. We need to increase our emotional intelligence

How do we grow in this area? By reflecting on our emotions and labeling them. Practice empathizing with yourself and others. Know your stressors. Be resilient. Practice responding rather than reacting. Increasing our emotional intelligence is a lifetime process, so do not give up.

3.  We need to renew our minds

The transformation of our minds is the work of the Holy Spirit. In the end, the most important task we have is to learn how to love God and others. The Apostle Paul said:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

We want to challenge our families and communities to learn how to love and be loved. We will conduct seminars in churches, schools, and many other institutions. And we also provide resources for every person who wants to learn how to love. Be part of this movement, #learningtolove. Visit our section where we provide more information about Learning to Love.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Emotional Intelligence Is Not Something Natural

by with No Comment Emotional Intelligence

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His name said, Amable (Kind, in Spanish), but he did not honor it because he has lack of emotional intelligence. Who would imagine that this young enthusiast for life, happy and vibrant, and such a good person that he once was, would become a hermit?
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He went from being a good friend, neighbor, and member of his family, to being a bitter, hermit. He had been through difficult times in his life, but he had also received many blessings and could not see them, for his isolation had only brought with it severe emotional blindness.

Amable had isolated himself from all that he once loved, his closure in himself had caused the feelings and emotions of others to become irrelevant. Due to his rough and unconsidered treatment of others, people who appreciated him and his loved ones were gradually moving away from him.

Lack of emotional intelligence

One of the problems that Amable had was a lack of emotional intelligence. It can define as the ability of a person to manage, understand, select, and work on their emotions, and the emotions of others.

The problem with emotional intelligence is that it is something that is not innate in us. We are not born emotionally intelligent. Why? Because we are all born into a world contaminated by sin. And the product of the sinful state we carry inside of us and the sinful actions of the people around us.

We have been exposed to traumatic, very negative experiences that have led us to experience emotions that we have not been able to handle. However, our chronological growth is not determinedly connected to our emotional growth. I can be an adult chronologically but a child emotionally.

Emotional children

For example, emotional children interpret disagreements as personal offenses. They feel easily injured, they complain, they retract, they manipulate, they seek revenge. Besides, they are sarcastic when they do not get what they want. And they have great difficulty talking calmly about their needs and the things they want in a kind and mature way.

Emotional adolescents

Emotional adolescents tend to always be on the defensive. They are threatened and alarmed by criticism, they treat conflicts badly, they usually blame, appease, go with a third person, frown, or ignore the issue altogether.

Emotional adults

Emotional adults are deeply attuned to their emotional world. They can enter into the feelings, needs, and concerns of others without losing themselves. They can ask for what they need, want, or prefer, in a clear, direct, and honest way. Not only that, but they recognize, control, and take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings.

Likewise, they can, even under pressure, affirm their personal beliefs and values ​​without being aggressive. They respect others without having to change them. Amable, the man in the story. It was an emotional child.

How do you get emotional intelligence?

So, the question you should be asking yourself is this: how do you grow emotionally? Our spiritual growth must connect to our emotional growth. The Bible says that “our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit” 1 Cor. 6: 19-20; that “we have the mind of Christ” 1 Cor. 2:16.

The Holy Spirit is the one who produces in us spiritual and emotional growth. As Ephesians 4:13 says: Until he is a man of full maturity, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ. The word maturity means complete, whole, perfect, well-developed, and adult.

Read the book Learning to Love and learn how to grow emotionally.

Lets know the relation between self-knowledge and attachments

by with No Comment Emotional IntelligenceSelf-awareness
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Sometimes the little things we cling to don’t allow us to see ourselves as we are, which are our attachments. This human condition leads us to create Attachments. Without realizing it, we become attached to people, children, ideas, routines, and plans that separate us from God’s heart because we are attached to passing things.

Self-knowledge and attachments

Self-knowledge implies the opportunity of describing ourselves in the most real and objective way possible in the essential aspects of our being: our attachments. The process of self-knowledge must be linked to the conscious, intentional plane so that we do not fall into an idealization of who we are. On the other hand, it also happens that we meet people who know their partners, their children, and their parents more than they know themselves. The lack of personal knowledge is extended to every area of our life.

Self-knowledge is a tool to address self-esteem issues, personal growth, and self-realization. When it comes to the desire to achieve important things in life, the lack of self-knowledge hinders the process of future generations, which can present in several ways. An example of this fact is when a father clings to the idea that his son must inherit his selfish ideals, and this heritage separates the son from his self-realization.

How do you start knowing yourself?

Take time for self-knowledge exercises. A very powerful one is emotional writing. Writing a diary for weeks and months can lead to a deep understanding of the direction you are leading your life in. Writing a diary is a way to make the inner self emerge. This act provides the dialogue between the ideal personal image and the one you have at the moment. It is a quiet activity through which you can focus and write what you are not ready to express out loud.

Some questions to be answered when writing the diary and can be helpful when performing introspection are: Who am I? What do I love? And, what would I say to my future “me”?

Growing up as a person is a lifelong process. If your thoughts about the future are dark, negative, or limiting, be aware that you can change them. How? By giving an important meaning to your life experiences. Just because you have lived traumatizing experiences does not mean you must stay anchored to them.

Life does not give you what you want, but what you need to move forward. That is why it is recommended to create a lifeline with experiences and learning. Experience teaches us that we do not always take the appropriate path. And that we can find ourselves in a situation where we feel far from our essence. This leads us to live on autopilot, distanced from our dreams, our aspirations, and our needs.

The absurd part of the attachments

Other things that illustrate an absurd part of attachments are all those daily inclinations that become imperfections without us even realizing it. They take us away from loving others, such as when we stick to little things. Sometimes, it is as silly as a preferred object like a pen that writes perfectly, or a new car. We are unable to tolerate seeing it deteriorating. And we even complain about people who have the misfortune of sharing it.

And finally, the most painful attachment, without a doubt, is mourning due to the loss of a loved one. When the “someone” who is already gone can keep us angry, even with God. Why be angry with God? He is the Lord of the universe. When we go through a similar situation of pain and anguish, we must trust in God. We must believe that everything that happens in our life is in perfect harmony with his plan for us. It is a necessary conviction to elevate our spirit and reach self-knowledge.

So, if we want to see each other clearly, we need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide us to the whole truth. Including the deepest truths about ourselves, which are hidden in our subconscious. Otherwise, we will not be able to see ourselves with greater enlightenment.

Now, take advantage of this reading and introduce a new idea to your mind. This idea can help you understand a little more about the subject: our imperfections separate our hearts from God’s love. What are the imperfections that keep you clinging to them daily and do not allow you to know yourself?

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5 Things You Should Do To Regulate Your Emotions

by with 2 Comments Emotional Intelligence
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Many of us may remember the fight between Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield in 1993. This fight made history because Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Holyfield’s ear. This emotional reactivity cost Mike Tyson $3 million of his $30 million purse, and his boxing license. What happened to Tyson that forced him to bite Holyfield’s ear? The experts argue that Mike Tyson had an amygdala hijacking. This term was coined in 1996 by Daniel Coleman in his book “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ”
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The amygdala is the brain’s alarm center. It is the organ that controls and regulates our emotions. The amygdala keeps a record of all the emotive experiences you had in the past, and every time that it perceives that you are in danger, it sends an alarm signal of fight or flight. You know that you have been hijacked by your amygdala when these three things happen to you: emotional reaction, sudden onset, and when in hindsight, you realize it was inappropriate.
At some point or another, we have all experienced an amygdala hijacking. The opposite of an amygdala hijacking is what we have been learning in my latest posts: emotional intelligence.

Regulate Your Emotions

Emotions are responsible for organizing the attachment behavioral system that orients and motivates responses, and communicates our needs and longings to others. The Christian view of emotions is that they are often a faithful reflection of what people believe and value. Emotions are part of the created image of God.

Emotions represent the reality of people’s faith, and God has promised in the Bible that those who believe in Him will receive a new heart (mind), as stated in Jeremiah 31:3. The goal of a faithful Christian is to conform his/her emotions to the truth, and to have the mind of Christ.

Having the mind of Christ means having the emotions of Christ. Romans 12:1-2 speaks of renewing the mind. This renewing of the mind implies, among other things, a regulation of the emotions to avoid an amygdala hijacking.

How do we learn to regulate our emotions? In this post, I will teach you five things you should do in order to regulate your emotions effectively and develop emotional intelligence.

Teach an amygdala to dance

First, as we have learned in our latest post, we need to practice self-awareness, especially in five key different areas. The following is a five-step program to regulate your emotions and develop Emotional Intelligence. This is an adaptation of Mark Goulston’s formula to teach an amygdala to dance.

  1. Trigger Awareness: Pause immediately after something upsetting has occurred and write down: “What has just happened that is upsetting me?________________________________.”
  2. Emotional Awareness: Attach a word to what you are  feeling emotionally, and say to yourself or write down: “I am feeling angry, anxious, frustrated, afraid, scared, upset, overwhelmed.” and how intensely (mild, moderate, very).
  3. Awareness of the consequences: Think of what would happen if you acted upon that impulse and write down: “If I act on that impulse, the immediate consequence will be____________________, the consequence tomorrow will be_______________ and the consequence one week henceforth will be___________________________.”
  4. Reality Check Awareness: Think about whether there is another explanation for what happened to you. Remember that how you interpret your event/situation will influence your emotional response. Write down: “An alternate possible explanation for what just upset me is________________.”
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  5. Solution Awareness: Pause and think of a different solution you might try besides your original impulse. Ask, “What would Jesus do in my situation?” and write down: “A better way to respond to this would be___________.”

Today, I challenge you to ask the Holy Spirit to help you regulate your emotions so you can reflect the mind of Christ. It is not easy to have self-control, especially when someone has done something that upsets you. However, with Christ you can do anything because He gives you the power to regulate your emotions (Phil. 4:13).

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Self-Awareness -An Ingredient in Your Spiritual Journey

by with One Comment Emotional Intelligence

Self awareness

 

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Let’s see a case where Self-Awareness is key. Nasrudin — the protagonist of many Middle Eastern, Greek, and Russian folktales — was approaching the door of his house one night when he suddenly realized he had lost his key. He tried to look around for it, but the night was so dark he could hardly see the ground. So he got down on his hands and knees and examined the ground where he was standing. Nevertheless, it was still too dark to see anything.

Moving back toward a streetlamp, he again got down and began a meticulous examination of the area. A friend came by and, noticing him, asked what he was doing. Nasrudin replied, “I lost my key, and I am looking for it.” So the friend too got down on his hands and knees and began to search. After a while, the friend asked, “Do you remember where you might have lost the key?” “Certainly,” answered Nasrudin, “I lost it in my house.” “Then why are you looking for it out here?” “Because,” answered Nasrudin, “the light is so much better here.”

We are all considerably more like Nasrudin than we like to acknowledge. We search for a solution to the problem that we have, but we tend to look for it outside ourselves, where it seems easier to search. Nevertheless, the key is inside, in the dark. ​

Developing emotional intelligence

In this post, I would like to begin to talk about the process of developing emotional intelligence with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. You could try to gain emotional intelligence on your own with self-control. However, only your Maker can help you achieve the mind of Christ. Any other transformation in your life that you try to make separated from God is in vain because our heart (mind) is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jer. 17:9

The first step in emotional intelligence is self-awareness. In my experience as a pastor and a therapist, I have noticed that sincere people have focused on knowing God and tended to ignore knowing themselves. The consequence is what brings people to call me asking for spiritual guidance and professional help. I have seen grievous marriages betrayed, families destroyed, ministries shipwrecked, and endless numbers of people damaged.

Leaving the self out of your spiritual journey is not living the reality of your life. For example, living a spiritual life while failing to know ourselves deeply may produce an external form of piety, such as one of the Pharisees, but we know that this only leaves a gap between appearance in front of our church and the reality of our life.

This incongruence in our life produces what psychologists call cognitive dissociation. That is, trying to live a life not according to the reality of your beliefs. San Agustin says, “How could you get to know God when you are so far from yourself? And he prayed, Lord, help me to know myself, so I could get to know you.”

What is self-awareness ?

It is to see ourselves clearly, aware of our thoughts, emotions, motives, and patterns. In addition, it is understanding how hurt has led us to view ourselves and others in maladaptive ways. You may be asking yourself, why do I have to focus on my inner life instead of focusing only on God and His power?

If we don’t know ourselves, we can’t know God either. We will not be able to understand others nor empathize with them. Also, we cannot change something that we are not aware of. If we don’t know ourselves, we will not be able to invite the Holy Spirit into our story to operate His transformational power.

The Holy Spirit never forces himself into our story because we have free will. Without self-awareness, we are doomed to failure because there is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowledge of the self and no deep knowing of the self without a deep knowing of God. For this reason, John Calvin wrote, “nearly the whole of sacred doctrine consists in these two parts: knowledge of God and ourselves.”

If this is your experience today, don’t allow the devil to distract you with guilt. The Holy Spirit is calling you to a deeply personal encounter with God and yourself. Open your heart and pray with me: Search me [thoroughly], Oh God, and know my heart (mind); test me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in an everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24 (AMP). This is the beginning of your transformation.

Self-Awareness -When I Don’t Like What I See Inside of Me

by with 4 Comments Emotional IntelligenceSelf-awareness

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A young woman came to my practice and told me she was afraid because she was sure God was mad at her. Her self-awareness accused her. She had an abortion a long time ago and was sexually involved with multiple partners in her life. At that time, she was thinking that God was preoccupied with her sins and shortcomings, and she felt that God was seeing her with anger and reproach. Was she right? ​

I am also thinking about a young man who came to me seeking professional help. He could no longer believe that God takes a personal interest in his life. He said he had suffered so much that he could not conceive God having any interest in him. Furthermore, he also said he never experienced the caring hand of God, and if God loves someone, for sure, it was not him. Was he right? Both cases show the lack of understanding of who God could be in our lives.

Begin practicing self-awareness

In this post, I want to show you how to begin practicing self-awareness, which must be anchored in an understanding of God’s love. Genuine self-awareness begins with an understanding of God’s love in your life. This love needs to become the foundation of your identity.

Searching for your inner world without the love of God is like walking in complete darkness without light. I look into my inner being and try to comprehend my vulnerabilities, failures, and sinful actions. Then, what I see inside of me is detrimental and depressive. I see the roots of a shameful mentality crying, “you are not good enough, you are a failure, and death is your destiny.”

God’s love and self-awareness

For this reason, self-awareness must begin from the perspective that your identity must be engraved in God’s love, and the false self you have lived in the past does not matter. God continues to care for you with everlasting love.

Until we dare to believe that nothing can separate us from God’s love, nothing that we could do, or fail to do, will make God change His love for us (Romans 8:31-38). We will not practice genuine self-awareness because we will be afraid of what we will find. And in addition, we will remain in kindergarten in the school of Christian spiritual transformation.

Meeting God in the vulnerability of my sins and shame is strengthening. That is why I know that whatever I find unopened in my inner rooms will not stop God from saying, “This is my son, whom I love with all my heart.”

I remember when I was a child, I was scared of darkness. If I had to go to a dark room alone, I would rather die than enter that room. However, my dad was accessible to me. Every time I called him, he was available to enter a dark room and found the switch to turn on the lights.

Your heavenly Father is next to you. And he wants to assure you that He loves you and longs to go inside your innermost dark rooms as you begin to know yourself and transform your life.

Reflect on your knowing of God’s love

I challenge you today to not go alone to search your inner dark rooms. What you find could be very depressing and scary. Invite God to come with you as you practice self-awareness. Reflect on your knowing of God’s love by asking these questions:

  • To what extent does this knowing build the foundation of who you are as a person?
  • In what ways do you experience divine love?
  • And how do you know it to be true even when you are not experiencing it?

If by any chance you do not like your answers, tell God how much you long to know His perfect love for you. Pray that God will lead you to someone with whom you can share this desire. Someone with the spiritual maturity to journey with you as you seek to know God’s love.

Today, you are embarking on a transformation journey. And anchoring it in the love of God will help you believe that “nothing is impossible for those who believe”. (Mark 9:23). When you do not like what you see inside yourself, remember that God loves you and accepts you as you are. God bless you.

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You Cannot Change What You are not Aware of

by with One Comment Emotional Intelligence
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Self discovery[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_empty_space height=”25px”][ultimate_heading main_heading=”You Cannot Change What You are not Aware of.”][/ultimate_heading][vc_empty_space height=”25px”][vc_column_text]

Let’s see an example that shows that you cannot change what you are not aware of. Joe DiMaggio was a baseball player for the New York Yankees. He was a real hero. Joe was considered one of the best baseball players of the twentieth century.

Every time he entered a public place, such as a restaurant or event, the crowd exploded into applause for his achievements and performances. Year after year, news reporters praised his extraordinary talent.

Joe married one of the most prominent women in Hollywood, Marilyn Monroe. She was a beautiful and talented woman, and this was another precious pearl in his crown. However, after Joe’s death, a controversial biography was published about the life of this baseball hero. This biography detailed how the image of this great athlete was all a facade.

Behind his mask, he was an egocentric, competitive, greedy, selfish person, guided by the power of money. The author of his biography, Ben Cramer, in his book Joe DiMaggio: Life of the hero, describes what he called the monotony of Joe’s life caused by his commitment to not show anything but his false self.

In DiMaggio’s story, the icon was well known, but the real self was buried. Many of us are still, like this great hero, buried in our false self, and what people know about us is a complete lie. For this reason, the Bible says in Proverbs 23:7 “for as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (KJV). You are who you are inside, not on the outside.

You cannot change what you are not aware of

Today, I want to continue our adventure in developing emotional intelligence. In our last post, we talked about the first step to developing emotional intelligence and self-awareness. We concluded that self-awareness must begin with a clear understanding of God’s love for you. That is, it does not matter what you see inside of you, God will never stop loving you.

After understanding this truth, you need to start uncovering the real you. Transformation occurs when you are brave enough to confront your shadows. Peter Scazzero in his book, The Emotionally Healthy Leader, says that “your shadow is the accumulation of untamed emotions, less-than-pure motives and, thoughts that, while largely unconscious, strongly influence and shape your behavior. It is the damaged but mostly hidden version of who you are.” You cannot change what you are unaware of.

A tool that I have used personally and recommend to my patients comes from Henry Cloud in his book Integrity. Cloud talks about standing on a boat and looking back at its wake as a way of seeing where he has been.

One side of this wake can be thought of as our achievements:

  • Have I done what I have set out to do?
  • Have I performed at the level I set for myself? If not, why?
  • Was there something unrealistic about my expectations?
  • Was there a change that prevented me from achieving a goal, and how do I feel about that?

The other side of the wake can be thought of as relationships:

  • As a leader, have the people I have led found themselves supported or neglected?
  • Are they enthusiastic in their roles or are they exhausted, or even damaged in some way?
  • Do I act as if I am the only one with a brain, and disregard other people’s suggestions?
  • Are there similar themes within the areas where I exercise influence?
  • Do I push people away and then feel alone?
  • Do I blame and judge others on my team for my faults?

Begin to discover what you are not aware of

I challenge you to sit down, be in silence, pray, and take time to meditate on these questions, asking the Holy Spirit to search your heart and guide you to confront your true self. Next, begin writing a journal every day.

As you find answers to your questions, and the Holy Spirit intervenes in your life, write down your experiences, and this action will have a powerful therapeutic effect on you.

If you are serious about developing self-awareness, contact a close friend, family member, or mentor (I suggest someone who knows you well), and invite this person to have a meal with you. During the meal, ask this person to share the one thing that annoys him or her the most about you.

Before that person answers you, tell him/her that nothing is off-limits and that you are not allowed to respond defensively, only to listen with an open heart and mind. This is another powerful life-altering exercise in self-awareness.

What is your opinion on this topic? Share it with us in the comments section. God bless you.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Emotional intelligence during the pandemic

by with No Comment Emotional IntelligenceSelf-awareness

So, the coronavirus pandemic has been a source of great stress for many people. emotional intelligence is key to keeping going. The fear and anxiety produced by this new disease is overwhelming and scary, and so is the ability this disease has to destroy families, from the poorest to the richest.

Much has been written about how to handle the crisis and how to improve our mental health. But today, more than ever, we need something more than the mere fact of practicing social distancing and using masks. We need to grow in our emotional intelligence. Being someone who behaves with high emotional intelligence has never been as important as it is in this unprecedented time.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. And, it is important, since the more we understand these aspects about ourselves, the better our spiritual and mental health, and social development will be during the pandemic.

Let me ask you today, are the decisions you make as a parent, spouse, son or daughter, employee or leader, generated by fear or despair, or by a person who has emotional intelligence? The way you answer this question will determine where you are going to be at the end of this pandemic.

Many studies by several universities from around the world have shown that a person’s success in many levels of life, such as intrapersonal, interpersonal, and, social, is determined by the level of emotional intelligence that person has. These studies reveal that 80 percent of a person’s success is determined by emotional intelligence and only 20 percent is determined by rational intelligence or his/her intelligence quotient.

What is the origin of the term emotional intelligence?

Many people attribute the concept of Emotional Intelligence to Daniel Goleman, but actually, this concept had been already elaborated on by other authors before Goleman made it popular in his book Emotional Intelligence in 1995.

It is believed that the first person to develop this line of thought about emotional intelligence was Edward L. Thorndike in 1920. Back then, he used the term social intelligence to describe the ability to understand or motivate other people.

In 1940, David WeshslerWechsler described the influence that human behavioral factors that were not determined by intellect had, and he made it clear that intelligence tests would not be complete until the factors influencing human beings that were beyond intellect and people’s relationships could be properly described.

Howard Gardner and its tribute to emotional intelligence

Unfortunately, these authors’ works went unnoticed for many years, until 1983, when Howard Gardner, in his book Multiple Intelligences: the practical theory, introduced the idea that intelligence indicators, such as intelligence quotient, do not fully explain cognitive ability, since they do not consider “interpersonal intelligence” (the ability to understand intentions, motivations, or other people’s desires), nor the “intrapersonal intelligence” (the ability to understand oneself, appreciate feelings, fears, and self-motivations).

The first use of the term emotional intelligence is generally attributed to Wayne Payne in his doctoral thesis: “A study about emotions: the development of emotional intelligence” (1985). However, this expression had already appeared before in texts written by Beldoch (1964) and Leuner (1966). Stanley Greenspan also proposed an emotional intelligence model in 1989, as well as Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer. But, of all these authors, the one who popularized the concept was Daniel Goleman in his above-mentioned book.

Now, let us leave this concept’s historical background behind. LetsLet’s talk about the importance to have high emotional intelligence in the midst of amid the pandemic.

According to Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence entails five practical skills that must developed by someone who wants to grow in managing his/her emotions. Each of these 5 Practical Skills of Emotional Intelligence was also subdivided into different competencies. Let’s look at these abilities applied to the context of the pandemic.

1)Self-awareness 

This means acknowledging one’s state of mind, resources, and intuition. This skill is key while we navigate through this pandemic, since without self-awareness, we cannot understand the emotions we are experiencing amid the crisis, the resources we are counting on to face the crisis, and, we will not have the necessary intuition to t make wise decisions.

Emotional competencies that depend on self-awareness

The emotional competencies that depend on self-awareness are:

  • Emotional awareness: to identify our own emotions and the effects they may have on us and those around us. For example, the parent who does not have emotional awareness will not know how to identify the emotions his/her child is experiencing. In the end, he/she will not be able to teach his/her child how to manage emotions.
  • Self-evaluation: to know our own strengths and limitations. Every human being has strengths and limitations. Many times, we focusefocus on the limitations we have that we neglect the strengths that have led us to where we are now. In the pandemic, it is imperative to assess our strengths and limitations and focus our energy on depending on our strengths and let ourselves be influenced by others who can help us with our limitations.
  • Self-confidence: a strong feeling of self-worth and ability. The way you perceive and value yourself will allow you to navigate through troubled waters. If you do not trust yourself, no one will trust you either.

2) Self-regulation

the second skill relates to self-regulation. There may be no more essential psychological skill than the ability to resist an impulse. How many poor decisions have you made due to your lack of self-regulation? Unnecessary purchases, angry and bad moments that might have been avoided.

Besides, there are days in the midst of amid the crisis in which you get up with no motivation to do things, you want to stay in bed. But, self-regulation is what moves you to manage your state of mind and it pushes you to reach the goals you have set for that day.

The emotional competencies that depend on self-regulatio

– Self-control: to stay vigilant about disturbing emotions and impulses. There are toxic emotions we have to keep an eye on. Resisting the impulse to lose control is the basis for emotional self-control, since each emotion is a desire to act in the face of the problem and that desire is not always the right response.

– Trustworthiness: to keep adequate standards of honesty and integrity.

– Awareness: to take responsibility for our work performance. Many blame the economy or social distancing for their family crisis. Awareness helps you take responsibility for what you have to do when facing the crisis and stop blaming others for the things you do not have in your life.

– Adaptability: flexibility in managing changing situations. Everyone who has found a way to thrive during this pandemic has had to adapt themselves to changes. Adapting to Zoom meetings, to having to live with a family member that you use to seeing for only a few hours. Flexibility and adaptability are two elements that successful people have.

– Innovation: to be comfortable with new information, new ideas, and situations. While many companies have ended in bankruptcy, many others have grown in the middle of the crisis. What is the difference? The people in charge and the innovation competency. Ask yourself, how much innovation have you brought to your family in order to improve your emotional connection with your loved ones?

3) Motivation

It refers to the emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate meeting established goals.

  • Impulse of achievement: the effort to improve or reach a standard of excellency in your family.
  • Commitment: Developing a commitment to your family’s goals.
  • Initiative: the availability to react to opportunities. Opportunities cannot be wasted. Your motivation will lead you to be aware of initiatives that might change your life or your family’s.
  • Optimism: the persistence in chasing the goals despite obstacles and setbacks. This pandemic may have affected your family in several ways, but your optimism is what will allow you to rise from the ruins of despair and to continue towards the goals you have set for yourself.

4) Empathy

It is the other ability that will take you down a path to hope in the middle of the crisis. There are so many people who are in need around you right now, people who are looking for someone who can feel empathy for them. Empathy means being aware of other people’s feelings, needs, and concerns. It does not mean that the other person must think like us, but understand the way other people think and respect it. If we do the opposite, it could lead us to be self-centered.

Emotional competences that depend on empathy

Thus, the emotional competences that depend on empathy are:

  • Understanding other people: to understand the feelings and perspectives of the family members. Maybe your children are exhausted from having online classes. A smart parent understands his/her children and will take advantage of this opportunity to teach them how to manage their emotions.
  • To help others to blossom: being aware of the developmental needs of others and helping them strengthen their skills. In marriage and family therapy, we emphasize this aspect. We talk about discovering the needs the children and spouses have so we can help them grow. In the end, we all need the person we have beside us in order to survive.
  • Orientation service: to anticipate, acknowledge, and satisfy your family’s real needs.
  • Enhancing diversity: to cultivate opportunities to bring diversity to your family. Not everyone has to be like you. Accept diversity of opinions and ideas, and you will have a healthy family. 
  • Political awareness: to be able to read your family’s emotional currents and the power of the relationships they have among them.

5) Social skills

The last skill relates to the social field. It means being an expert in providing the desired answers to other family members. This goal depends on the following emotional skills:

  • Influence: to come up with effective persuasion tactics. 
  • Communication: to know how to listen openly to others and to provide convincing messages.
  • Conflict management: to know how to negotiate and solve disagreements within your marital and family relationships.
  • Leadership: the ability to inspire and guide your family members.
  • A catalyst for change: being a starter or administrator of new situations.
  • A bond builder: to nurture and strengthen interpersonal relationships among family members.
  • Collaboration and cooperation: to work with other family members in order to achieve shared goals.
  • Team abilities: to be able to create synergy in the pursuit of collective goals in your family.

How have you put emotional intelligence into practice in the midst of the pandemic? Maybe you feel disappointed with yourself because you have not managed your emotions well. But remember, it is never too late to start.

Start today by developing each one of these skills so you can manage stress and distress in the midst of the pandemic. Remember that a fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back (Pro. 29:11).