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Let’s see an example that shows that you cannot change what you are not aware of. Joe DiMaggio was a baseball player for the New York Yankees, and for many Americans he was a real hero. He is widely remembered as one of the best baseball players of the twentieth century.
Wherever he went, from restaurants to public events, crowds were glad to see him, and for years news reporters praised his extraordinary talent.
Joe married one of the most prominent women in Hollywood, Marilyn Monroe. She was a beautiful and talented woman, and in the eyes of the public this was another precious pearl in his crown. After Joe’s death, however, a controversial biography was published about the life of this baseball hero, and it portrayed a man much more guarded and distant than his public image suggested.
The author, Richard Ben Cramer, in his book Joe DiMaggio: The Hero’s Life, describes a man who guarded his private self closely behind the image of the hero. Some readers dispute Cramer’s portrait, so I use this story only as an illustration.
In DiMaggio’s story, the icon was well known, but the real self was largely hidden. Many of us are a little like this great hero: what people see of us can be only part of the story, and sometimes we hide parts of ourselves even from ourselves. Scripture reminds us that “people look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7, NIV). You are who you are inside, not only on the outside.
You cannot change what you are not aware of
Today, I want to continue our adventure in developing emotional intelligence. In our last post, we talked about the first step to developing emotional intelligence and self-awareness. We concluded that self-awareness must begin with a clear understanding of God’s love for you. That is, it does not matter what you see inside of you, God will never stop loving you.
After understanding this truth, you need to start uncovering the real you. Transformation occurs when you are brave enough to look honestly at your shadows. In his book The Emotionally Healthy Leader, Peter Scazzero describes the shadow as the part of us made of untamed emotions and mixed motives that we are largely unaware of, yet that strongly shape our behavior. You cannot change what you are unaware of.
An exercise that I have used personally and with the people I counsel is based on an image Henry Cloud uses in his book Integrity: standing on a boat and looking back at its wake as a way of seeing where you have been.
One side of this wake can be thought of as our achievements:
- Have I done what I have set out to do?
- Have I performed at the level I set for myself? If not, why?
- Was there something unrealistic about my expectations?
- Was there a change that prevented me from achieving a goal, and how do I feel about that?
The other side of the wake can be thought of as relationships:
- As a leader, have the people I have led found themselves supported or neglected?
- Are they enthusiastic in their roles or are they exhausted, or even damaged in some way?
- Do I act as if I am the only one with a brain, and disregard other people’s suggestions?
- Are there similar themes within the areas where I exercise influence?
- Do I push people away and then feel alone?
- Do I blame and judge others on my team for my faults?
Begin to discover what you are not aware of
I invite you to sit down, be in silence, pray, and take time to reflect on these questions, asking the Holy Spirit to search your heart and show you the truth about yourself. Next, begin writing in a journal every day.
As you find answers to your questions, and the Holy Spirit works in your life, write down your experiences. Putting your thoughts and feelings into words can be helpful to you.
If you are serious about developing self-awareness, choose a close friend, family member, or mentor who knows you well, who is kind, and who wants your good, and invite this person to have a meal with you. During the meal, ask this person to share the one thing that annoys him or her the most about you.
Before that person answers you, tell him or her that you want an honest answer and that you will not respond defensively, only listen with an open heart and mind. This can be another powerful exercise in self-awareness. Choose carefully: do not ask someone who has been harsh, controlling, or unsafe with you, and if what you hear stirs deep shame, sadness, or old wounds, pause and talk with a counselor or pastor.
What is one thing you are beginning to see about yourself, and who could you trust to help you look at it with grace? God bless you.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- 1 Samuel 16:7, New International Version (BibleGateway).
- Richard Ben Cramer, Joe DiMaggio: The Hero’s Life.
- Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader.
- Henry Cloud, Integrity.
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