Let’s continue on the dysfunctional families topic. It is a broad issue that affects numerous homes today, and to which we must pay attention, as the family is the foundation from which human beings perceive reality and the world around us.
Many adults describe growing up in homes where anger, fear, or silence ruled. Children learn patterns of survival in those homes. Some later repeat what they learned, while others find a different path, often with support.
As parents, we often ignore the influence our dysfunctional patterns have on future generations. If you are honest, you will remember that when some of these things happened to you when you were a child, you made a vow never to treat your children that same way. And now, sadly, you may find yourself in stressful situations, repeating the same words and behaviors of your parents towards your children.
Characteristics of a dysfunctional family
No family is perfect, and every family has stressful times. If you recognize several of the patterns below as constant in your home, it may help to talk with a professional. These patterns come from the author’s clinical observation, and they are not a diagnosis of any family: every family also needs to be understood in its own culture and context.
Disappointment and denial
They deny their problems, thus problems are never solved. They also deny freedom to their members.
Forming rigid and static roles
Roles are created due to the need for the family system. Children give up their own needs to meet the needs of others.
Breaking boundaries
The members of a dysfunctional family have permeable boundaries. The boundaries are not respected and are mutually invaded.
Needs sacrificed
Members of a dysfunctional family often cannot meet their needs. Individual needs are set aside to meet the needs of the family. There is often a certain amount of anger and sadness in the members. Individual needs are sacrificed to satisfy the requirements of the family.
Conflicting and Confluent Communication
They use open conflict or confluence (they agree not to disagree) as a communication style. Very rarely do they manage to make real contact.
Irrevocability of the rules and control
In dysfunctional families, rules are set, and they do not change.
We must control our feelings and behaviors at all times. This is the most important defense mechanism.
Perfectionism
We have to do everything right. The fear of not fulfilling what others expect of us is the main motivation. Family members spend their lives focused on their image.
Blaming
When things do not go as planned, we blame ourselves or others. This keeps the balance in the dysfunctional family when controlling does not work.
Family members cannot speak
This rule forbids the free expression of any feeling, need, or desire. No one talks about loneliness or problems.
There cannot be any mistakes
Making mistakes implies vulnerability. This is not allowed. Family members have to cover up any error at all costs to avoid criticism.
There are other deeper characteristics, but the ones mentioned above we can observe easily in the daily life of many families, even those with Christian beliefs. The way parents raise their children strongly influences the family future generations will have, since they may repeat the learned patterns and apply them to their family relationships. Patterns can change.
The challenges of a dysfunctional family
It is not easy to be part of a dysfunctional family. The communication and interaction channels are affected by the disrupted dynamics that take place. It does not matter what religion, culture, ethnicity, or social status family members come from, these patterns can appear in any family.
- Do these characteristics and rules of dysfunctional families seem familiar to you?
- Do you think your family could be going through this?
- Is it difficult to talk about important and deep issues in your family?
- Do you feel that you cannot express yourself or be who you are?
If so, let me tell you that you are not alone in this. Many families recognize these patterns, and many find that change is possible with time, effort, and support.
If someone in your home is being hurt, threatened, or afraid, that is more than a family pattern: it is a safety issue. In an emergency call 911. To report child abuse in Florida, call the Florida Abuse Hotline, 1-800-962-2873.
Which of these patterns would you most like to see change in your home, and who could help you take the first step? God bless you.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
If you suspect child abuse
Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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