Positive parenting: 5 tips to be a more positive parent

Under the principles of Positive Parenting, we will have three main goals for our children: to transmit our Christian values, to prepare them for adult life, and to guarantee their safety, including their health.

These are purposes any parent can easily identify with, as it is our mission to protect and educate our children. However, the relationship with your child may be at a delicate point or maybe a relationship in which you feel that he/she is moving away from you.

If you think this is your case, do not be afraid because I assure you that there is a solution. This is where Positive Parenting will help you make him/her feel better and act better. It will even have the same effect on you.

Positive parenting: It all starts with you

Before I start giving you tips on applying Positive Parenting in your home, I want to clarify a very important point. In order for the lessons of positive parenting to have the desired effect, you need to be the first one to work on it.

How can you do this? The first thing you must do is commit to regulating your own emotions. We are so immersed in our own conflicts that we let them affect our children when they should not.

The second thing is to be committed to and prioritize the father-child or mother-child connection. If you forget the commitments you made, why should a child respect them? You lead, you set the example. They cooperate and follow your lead.

Thirdly, the love and affection you give your children should never, I repeat, never be paused as a form of punishment; nor as a way of controlling or manipulating. You are there to be a guide, to be a coach; who, regardless of what happens, will continue to care about what happens to your children.

Tips for practicing Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting values reflection, fluid communication, and, above all, love between parents and children. But how do I apply all this in my family? Here are some tips that I know you will find very useful:

1.    Evaluate all the teachings you are giving them

Applying Positive Parenting is much more than just committing to not yelling at your child when he or she misbehaves. It is more, much more than that. It requires restructuring your relationship. You need to carefully evaluate all the behaviors you have with your children based on whether it strengthens or weakens your relationship with them.

Considering that strengthening bonds is your main focus, think of your disciplinary strategy as the most effective way to tighten your relationship with them. When a child feels attached to his or her parents, it will be natural for him or her to want to please them.

Instead of punishing, it is your job to guide them to obey the limits you set. An important detail when setting limits is that you have to be realistic about their abilities. Do not forget to be empathetic with them and help them focus on improving their behavior.

Be careful with punishments because it has been proven that they only generate resentment and prolong bad behaviors.

2.    Teach them to regulate their emotions

It is their lack of experience and level of development that makes it so easy for children to be controlled by their emotions. For them, there is no way to identify what they are feeling or why they behave a certain way sometimes.

But you, as a parent, do have the answers. And by having them, it is your duty to explain them to your children according to their level of understanding. Let them know that they are able to control themselves and improve their behaviors.

3.    Corrections should always reaffirm your connection

Children tend to misbehave when they feel bad about themselves or when they are disconnected from us. That is why it is so vital to reaffirm how connected we are, so they feel confident enough to talk about what is bothering them or to be honest with you when they misbehave, and also, to listen to your suggestions.

For example, if your younger child pushes your older one, stand at their level and talk to them while looking into their eyes. You can tell them as you take this position: “You do not have to push your brother. Pushing is wrong, you can hurt him or cause him to fall. Next time, ask him to move and say please.”

Or if you know that your daughter ate all the cookies in the kitchen, instead of accusing her in front of the whole family, take a moment alone, put your hand on her shoulder and say something like: “Are you afraid to tell me about the cookies? You know you can tell me everything.”

4.    Set limits, but with empathy

Applying Positive Parenting in your home does not mean forgetting about limits. On the contrary, they are still very necessary. However, they must be set with empathy. As an authority figure, it is your duty to enforce the rules. But, enforcing them is easier if the children know that their parents understand them and would not do things for the worse.

Think about this, if my mom imposes limits on me that does not make sense or hurt me, will I trust her? You will not, regardless of how obedient you are. Following this principle, the next time you impose limits, add sentences that validate your children’s feelings.

For example, if you tell your children to go to bed early, let them know that you understand how sad it makes them, but how necessary it is for them to do it. Or if they are afraid to face their guilt, explain to them that being afraid is normal and that it is more important to always tell the truth.

When there are physical fights between siblings, I advise you to intervene immediately; but once the conflict is neutralized, it will be time to empathize with both parties. Emphasize that hitting is not the solution and that problems can be solved more easily by talking.

5.    The way you treat your children will be the way they learn to treat themselves

Have you ever wondered why children from strict parents believe so little in themselves? It is because the way our parents treat us in our childhood will be the way we see ourselves in the future as adults.

That said, you have great power in your hands. If you are hard on them, they will be hard on themselves, but if you are too permissive with them, they will be too permissive with themselves. The best option is to simply set appropriate boundaries, express them with love, and let them develop more positive self-perceptions.

When you discipline harshly, ironically, you are not raising perfect little soldiers, you are raising children who will not know how to discipline themselves. They will not know how to regulate themselves, they will not be independent and they will be unhappy. Unhappy children who will grow up to be unhappy adults.

Discipline them constructively, understand them, love them, and let them know that Our Lord is with us always, taking care of us.

If you need professional help, do not hesitate to call 407 618 0212.

Discovering Positive Parenting: keys and benefits

. They also kwowOne of the highest priorities we have as parents is positive parenting. It is a parenting principle that assumes that children born with the desire to do the right thing to establish a good relationship with them.

How you relate to them will influence their mental health and self-control. It will even influence their ability to create meaningful relationships with others.

Today, parents are encouraged to discard yelling as a way to correct their children. They are replacing it with more efficient explanations, rewards, and limits. This kind of approach, more patient and sensitive to their emotional resources, is known as Positive Parenting.

But what does it entail? Do you know how to apply it and why? I would like to tell you more about it.

What is Positive Parenting?

Positive Parenting assumes that children are born with the desire to “do the right thing.” For that reason, mutual respect is key, along with the use of positive methods of discipline. Likewise, it is better to invest time in teaching proper behavior in the future than to waste it punishing past misbehavior.

It is not a new parenting method. It was introduced in the United States in the 1920s by the Viennese psychiatrists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. As is evident, many years have passed, and Positive Parenting strategies have been improved over time.

I have seen repeatedly that modern parents raised with strict rules and violent punishments see Positive Parenting as an answer. An answer to escape from this “chain” of actions. As well as a way to educate their children differently. A way that corresponds to their values and beliefs.

Fortunately, parents who are sensitive to their children’s needs are becoming more and more common in our society. Knowing what they need, according to their growth and development stages, and their temper will help you get closer to them.

Keys to know regarding Positive Parenting 

Positive Parenting promotes children’s personal development through various mechanisms. Not only that, but it also helps in their pro-social development. What happens is that by being raised under its principles, children will be able to regulate their emotions in a better way and focus their temper on more patient and productive tendencies.

All the results obtained through positive parenting are long-term, so, the abilities they can obtain thanks to this parenting style will accompany them until they get to other stages of their life, for example, improving the way they solve their problems in their adolescence.

Tools for Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting uses more tools and presents more results when applied at home. These are some of its main keys:

  • Leadership and confidence: Positive Parenting encourages both teaching and leadership in children, and these same values boost their confidence, as they perceive themselves as more independent beings with the power to make good decisions by themselves.
  • Communication and social skills: Also, with this parenting style, positive communication is often used as a resource that will favor social skills in children. Therefore, it will improve their relationships with playmates, schoolmates, and caregivers.
  • Self-esteem: By giving your children a warm upbringing, you will be giving them the power of decision and with this, their self-confidence will increase significantly.
  • Autonomy and creativity: By giving them the freedom they need to assert their tastes and preferences, you are providing them with something invaluable: autonomy. Growing up in a home where they have responsibilities and rights promotes empowerment and self-determination, as well as creativity.

In general, there are many aspects of Positive Parenting that nurture desirable behaviors in our children. As Christian parents, this parenting style is highly recommended due to the respect, understanding, the principle of love that it supports.

God does not want our homes to be battlefields, but a refuge to learn from His Word, and to strengthen what is most essential in this life — family.

Benefits of Positive Parenting

Raising your children with these principles will lead to several benefits that may not be obvious to you at this time. But they will become evident little by little as you apply them.

It should be noted that there is no specific age to apply Positive Parenting. You can do it once they take their first steps or much later in life if you just recently learned of its existence.

What are the benefits of Positive Parenting, then?

Fewer behavioral problems

Positive Parenting encourages children’s emotional growth. Meaning, that they will manage their feelings in a better way, and with this, they will not feel the need to misbehave to get your attention or misbehave as a form of protest.

It creates a more empathetic relationship between adults and children. It is quite the opposite of punitive parenting, which is very capable of causing behavioral problems. That parenting style makes parents look cold and distant. The little ones will perceive it as a sign of disinterest or even engender hatred, and problems will continue.

A better relationship between parents and children

Positive parents do not use yelling or hostile behaviors to correct their children’s misbehavior. Their dynamics are very different and are based on mutual respect and open communication.

Through Positive Parenting, it is possible to sit down and talk about what they did wrong, without the need for your children to fear you or shy away from facing their faults.

Mental well-being

High self-esteem is a direct product of this parenting style because with the messages you convey to them. You will be letting them that they are capable and intelligent enough to make their own decisions.

A confident child who is not afraid of “screwing something up”. He will grow up more resilient with a healthier mindset, capable of overcoming adversities. So, they know they have the power to do so. They also know that their parents will back them up regardless of what happened.

Other benefits such as better school performance and social competence cannot go unmentioned.

Need professional help? Do not hesitate to call 407 618 0212.

My husband is a sex addict: What do I do?

Being married to a sex addict is a complex and exhausting situation. The first thought a person might have is to give up on the marriage. However, is it advisable to classify all sexual addicts into one group?

God made men and women to be devoted to each other, in the biggest joys and the biggest sorrows. This is why my suggestion is that, first, you gather information regarding this matter and understand the possibilities within your reach.

I want you to understand that a sexual addiction is caused by neurotransmitters in the brain. They force compulsive behavior. Suffering from any type of addiction is unpleasant, so, in cases as complex as these, the best thing to do is to take some time to reflect and learn about it.

Let us begin.

Seven things every sex addict’s partner should know

For a sex addict to recover from their addiction, their partner’s contribution will be essential. I am not going to lie to you by saying it is easy. Neither you are obliged to stay where your happiness is compromised, just that love tends to mean sacrifices.

Before making a decision, I recommend you consider these 7 statements that will help you open your eyes about this condition.

  1. Your suspicions might be real

It is difficult to admit that a husband has a sexual addiction, therefore, your first reaction might be denial. It is normal to feel this way, I witness it all the time. But when obvious signs appear, it is not healthy to deny them as though they were not there.

For example, if your husband seems depressed, and anxious, and he withdraws himself from others, including you, it is a sign that something is wrong, as well as when he disconnects from you emotionally and your mutual sex life is dying, when he avoids sexual intercourse with you or when he evades the issue of sexuality. A healthy couple should not have problems making love or talking about this subject.

If you confront your husband with circumstantial proof, do not expect him to admit it on your first try. Many times, they must be caught in the act before they will admit the problem.

  1. It is not your fault

I am going to tell you this so that you can take it into account. You are not the one to be blamed for your husband’s sexual addiction. As an independent human being, he is free to make his own decisions regarding his sexual behavior, and he could even assure you that maybe these sexual deviations started before he married you.

I have had patients who are addicted to pornography, and they hide this addiction from their future wives because they know it is wrong, but they can not help themselves. So, do not believe you are the cause of the problem. His sexual aversion towards you has nothing to do with the way you look, it has to do with your husband’s inability to create a sexual connection with you.

Women tend to have their self-esteem affected by this issue. And they develop a fear of being rejected, but this is useless when it comes to healing. Make your husband take responsibility and walk with him through this path in an objective way.

  1. You cannot fix everything by yourself

You will not be able either to fix your husband’s sexual deviation on your own, without his help. It is impossible. No one changes if he/she does not want to, and we are only capable of changing ourselves, not others.

Where am I going with this? Monitoring your husband constantly so that he does not fall into his addiction, to the point where you lose your own life, will not solve anything. The addict must want to improve himself and for you, for his family. Your role will be to demand that he seek help.

  1. It is healthy to admit your ow feelings

You might be confused, sad, or angry in the face of having a husband who is a sex addict. You might experience all these stages at your own pace. Furthermore, you do not need to deny them or believe you are stronger than you are.

I want you to know that people can heal and let their feelings flow. If you feel like this is too much for you to deal with alone, seek other people’s support.

  1. Forgiving is not forgetting

You must not feel ashamed of trying to restore a marriage that was broken by sexual addiction. You will not make this process easier if you do not forgive your husband. However, if you believe that forgiving equals forgetting, you are making a big mistake.

You will not achieve anything positive by seeking revenge or a way to make your husband pay for his flaws, and forgiving him does not mean that you are renouncing your pain and grief. Forgiveness will free you from resentment and when it becomes too difficult for you to let it go, seek help for your emotional well-being.

  1. You are powerful

The decision to stay or to leave is in your hands. You are the one who has the power to set boundaries, fight together, or just take a path of healing in solitude.

You have control over your life, regardless of the decision you make. Whether you choose one option or the other, you will most likely need help. Remember, you must believe in yourself.

  1. You have worth

You have the right to have respect and love in your marriage. Maybe you do have flaws in your marriage, you are not perfect, but those flaws are not causing the sexual choices your husband is making. They do not define your worth.

If you feel that you are not enough, that it is your fault, know that none of those feeling are healthy for you. You have to face this challenge feeling fully confident, with self-love and courage.

What do you do when your husband is a sex addict?

When you first find out that your husband is a sex addict, you have two options: to leave him or to work to save your marriage. If you choose the former, you must pay attention to your own needs and insecurities first. Forgiving a sexual betrayal can be traumatizing for some people.

These are some actions you can take if you decide to stay:

  • Turn to professionals: The main thing is to seek professional help and go together as a couple. Also, follow the recommendations with an open mind.
  • Take care of yourself: Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Work on your self-esteem, seek social support and exercise more, or practice a new hobby, for your well-being.
  • Do not have sexual intimacy with your husband until you get your confidence back. Do not push yourself to have sex with your partner after he betrayed you. Take your time to heal. Husbands can use time for activities such as meditation, exercising. They can even attend motivational groups until their wives are ready.
  • Do not assume the responsibility for your partner’s abstinence. If you are able to forgive your addict husband, who is walking the path to recovery, you do not have to be his babysitter. He, as a grown man, is responsible for controlling himself. He is also responsible for not breaking the promises he made so that you would stay by his side.

Last words when your husband is a sex addict

Working on sexual addiction is scary for any wife. But as long as there is a commitment from the husband’s side, life is  about second chances.

Do not forget that it is valid to have doubts about what is best for your case. Have you gone through this situation? Let me know in the comments.

What is sexual addiction and how to recognize it?

Addictions are invisible enemies that can destroy everything in their way: marriages, families, jobs, and the legacy of an entire life in a matter of months. And even though we often associate the term “addict” with addiction to substances such as alcohol, drugs, or gambling, sexual addiction is one of the most dangerous ones.

I have lost count of the homes that have been wrecked by sexual addiction, a terrible evil that puts the couple at spiritual and physical risk. Not only are the principles of a sacred union such as marriage in danger, but it also exposes the other partner to several sexual illnesses.

In an over-sexualized world, it is getting more and more difficult to find the boundaries between what is adequate and what is not. The line that has been drawn by our God to practice sex as an encounter of deep love and trust has been blurred over the years.

Three to six percent of Americans have sexual addiction, according to Dr. Patrick Carnes in his book Don’t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction. So, how can a sexual addict be identified before it is too late? I want to talk to you about this next.

What is sexual addiction?

As I mentioned before, addictions come in many forms. But why or what are they specifically? The easiest way to explain what addictions are is that they are pathological attractions to a place, thing, or even a person.

These addictions are actually unconscious attempts to find something that is outside of us. Something we believe we need so that we can feel complete. This is why if you ask any addict why he/she abuses drugs, he/she will tell you that they do it to feel relaxed, to escape from reality, to forget, etc.

The roots of addictions are so deep that they can be found as a tendency in families, through either genetic predisposition, or due to the way someone was raised.

However, you must understand that the Lord does not want you to be an addict your whole life. Nobody is born to live in suffering, but it is going to be a personal challenge that you must face.

Understanding the sexual addiction cycle

A good reading to understand the sexual addiction cycle is Relationship Sabotage: Unconscious Factors That Destroy Couples, Marriages, and Families written by therapist William J. Matta. From this book, you will be able to learn how an addiction advances little by little. These are the stages:

First stage: Use

The first stage in an addiction is when someone starts to abuse a substance or behavior. An alcoholic will abuse alcohol, a sexual addict, sex. Family members may notice this behavior, but the addict does not, he/she will insist that the worrying is exaggerated.

Second stage: Payment

For the second stage, addicts obtains a type of reward from the consumption or practice of the addiction, whether it is a relaxing feeling, euphoria, peace, or excitement.

Third stage: Negative consequences

No matter how good an addiction might make you feel, that pleasure is momentary and will last only a short period of time, since, one it is over, negative consequences follow. He makes denial one of the most powerful mechanisms for addicts. According to them, there are no bad consequences for their bodies or souls.

Justifying and minimizing their acts might also be mechanisms that appear, since for an addict, his/her addiction is just a means to obtain something, or he/she believes that they can control it.

Fourth stage: Negative feelings

Shame, guilt, fear, and anger are some of the most common feelings I have seen in my addict patients in this fourth stage. They can appear in conscious and unconscious ways, but regardless, the person suffers, and if he/she does not get help from his/her loved ones, he/she will repeat the cycle over and over again.

The sexual addiction nightmare

Sexual addiction consists of the compulsion to practice sexual acts, whether alone or with someone else. There are many ways in which sexual addiction can manifest, one more harmful than the other.

For example, there are people who are addicted to masturbating compulsively, or who watch pornography regardless of the time or the place. People who have compulsive sex with prostitutes or multiple unknown partners also suffer from sexual addiction.

I do not have to elaborate on how these behaviors can destroy a marriage. But, what I do have to elaborate on is how this specific addiction can silently contaminate an individual for years.

As a husband or wife, it might take months before you notice that your partner is addicted to pornography because, usually, part of the addiction consists of hiding it from everyone else.

How to recognize the signs of sexual addiction

Sexual compulsive behaviors are a risk for the addict and his/her surroundings. They could show signs such as:

  • Inability to stop the behavior, and provide excuses for it
  • Won’t settle for a monogamous sexual life or conventional sex
  • Tendency to sexualize other people and situations that are not sexual
  • Spend a large amount of money pursuing and continuing the activity
  • Feelings of excessive euphoria when in contact with the stimulus
  • The need to elevate the danger or severity of the sexual behavior

Unconscious needs that drive sexual addiction

According to my professional experience, behind every addiction there is a story with similarities between them. In the case of sexual addicts, many of them have suffered some kind of traumatic experience during their childhood or adolescence and therefore need to “feel power in their adulthood.”

The feeling of helplessness in these cases is very strong, so they desperately try to find “power” in sex. This is why a victim of sexual abuse ends up being promiscuous. He/she will feel that choosing with how many people he/she is going to sleep with is a manifestation of “power”.

Sexual addiction is a consequence of a need that needs to be met. Which one depends on your life story.

Last words about sexual addiction

The power addicts think they get through sex is fake and ephemeral. Fake, because sex is not a tool to subjugate and show the courage or strength a person has. Ephemeral, because in the same way it is gotten easily, it will also easily lead to remorse and guilt.

The answer is in God, and how He can guide you so that you can determine what is wrong and heal. Do you need help or have a doubt? I can help you in the comments section. You will find a friendly hand in me.

Do you know what anger means and how we can manifest it?

Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity. It varies from minor irritation to intense rage. Like other emotions, it goes alongside psychological and biological changes.

When you experience fury, your heart rate and blood pressure increase and the same happens with your energy hormones, adrenaline, and, noradrenaline.

Many people justify their expression of this feeling by saying that Jesus got angry at the religious leaders of his day, and even he said offensive words. This false belief regarding anger often uses to mistreat other people.

God and Anger

This is an emotion that God put in our bodies. It allows us to react against injustice, sin, and things that are wrong. Pablo says, “in your anger do not sin.” This means that there is a limit where anger becomes a sin.

Every manifestation of anger must do inside the concept of Agape love. But, for this to happen, the Holy Spirit must live inside us to help provide the love and self-love necessary to express it within the limits, those that reflect the relational image of God.

People who get angry easily usually have what we call low tolerance to frustration. It means that they feel they should not be subjected to frustration, irritability, or drawbacks. They cannot take things calmly, and they get angry, especially if the situation seems somewhat unfair. For example, when other people correct them because of a small mistake.

What makes these people behave this way?

There are several factors. One of them might have a genetic or physiological origin. There is evidence that shows that some children are born irritable and sensitive, and they get angry easily. These signs are present from a very early age. Another factor might be linked to the way they are taught to deal with anger.

Fury is often considered something negative. Many of us have been taught that it is fine to express anxiety, depression, and other emotions, but it is not fine to express anger. As a result, we do not learn how to deal with it and channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family history plays an important role. Usually, people who get angry easily come from troubled and chaotic families in which there is no room for emotional communication.

Anger styles

One part of learning how to control anger, and also part of the lessons a professional might teach you, is based on managing different types of anger. Not everyone expresses their anger the same way. Also, there is no need to feel fear or guilt because of being angry. Anger is a normal reaction in life.

But the way we express anger is what can make of it something dangerous, both for the couple or for ourselves.

A person can express more than one type of irritation, depending on the situation. There are four basic ways in which we show anger. Let´see.

Aggressive:

This is the type of aggressiveness that is visible and externalized. It is not intended to be hidden. Many people yell and scream and “vent” when they are angry. They explode, lashing out against others, either verbally or physically. This can provide a satisfactory relief for them in the short term, but it can have devastating consequences in the long term for them and their relationships.

“Stupid #@$%!”

“I am right; all the other people are wrong, and they deserve to pay!”

Passive-aggressive:

With this type of fury, aggressiveness is shown, but not violently. Rather, it’s a well-disguised way, for example, with indirect actions or sabotage.

The rage is locked inside the person. It causes harm inside him/her as they pretend that everything is fine. Some people consider anger something scary or unacceptable. They avoid recognizing or expressing feelings of anger and, instead, convince themselves that they are not angry. The problem this coping mechanism presents is that people do not set their feelings free or express them, which can lead to building resentment and unhappiness.

They say, “it is fine” when it is not or when they want to say “no.” These are passive-aggressive behaviors. They express negative emotions indirectly instead of manifesting them openly. Passive-aggressive people are sneaky when it comes to their anger. They say one thing but do a different thing. They do not show that they are angry, but they get even.

Avoidant anger:

Some people find it difficult to deal with this feeling, so they do everything they can to avoid it. They bottle anger up. They try to hide inside their “caves” every time they feel angry or when people around them are mad. Often, they say things like:

  • “I cannot deal with this right now.”
  • “Let’s talk about something else and let’s get along.”
  • “I cannot say anything because it would cause a fight.”
  • “It is not that bad.”
  • “Nothing is going to change.”

Assertive:

Now, anger is properly managed and communicated if necessary. It is what each individual should do when dealing with anger.

It is important to know the types of anger since by doing so, we can be aware of the way we act and how we can take actions that will allow us to handle it in a better way so that we do not hurt ourselves and the people around us.

Do you identify with one of the types? Do you feel that one of them defines the way you act? How could you improve the way you react when you feel angry?

Share your answers with us in the comments section so that we can enrich our experience of having better interpersonal relationships with the people around us and so that we can have a balanced inner world. God bless you!

Can we be thankful and pray to God in the midst of difficulties?

We are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, a special date to pray to God. It is also a date in which we can reflect on all the aspects concerning our lives, both good and bad, to learn from them, and thank God for all the things our hearts feel happy and grateful for.

Why pray to God

It is easy to be happy and grateful in good circumstances, for example, when:

  • everything goes well in our lives,
  • we manage our daily life without any mishaps,
  • we move forward in our jobs,
  • our family is healthy,
  • we feel we have been blessed
  • and nothing compromises our well-being.

With this in mind, I ask you, has it happened to you that you get out of the house on a sunny and beautiful day, breathing fresh air, and thank God for His wonderful creation?

Have you felt fully satisfied, grateful for having everything go well? But how have you felt on other days when the sky was gray and rainy? Have you given God thanks for a day like that, too? Are we grateful to God when it is a rainy day?

Why pray to God during difficulties

How do we feel when things do not go the way we planned? What do we do when we lose our jobs when the doctor tells us we have a terminal illness, when we lose a loved one, or when we have a child who is on drugs? Do we praise God, or do we murmur? What do we do? Are we grateful?

Let us remember what the Word of God says in 1 Thess. 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” In this verse, we have a reflection that is hard for us to process and accept: give God thanks in all circumstances. It is not an easy task. It is not something that comes naturally to human beings. Adversities absorb us, and we feel unhappy and experience setbacks. We do not feel like giving thanks. Many times, we even murmur things against God.

Pray to Good, don’t murmur

Did you know that it is easy for us to murmur that so many times that we do not even notice it? But murmuring is the opposite of giving thanks. Complaints are the opposite of trust. Murmuring against your spouse when the rice he/she made burns or when the food is not ready on time is the opposite of loving acceptance. At that point, are we grateful for having food on our table? Are we grateful for our wife or husband serving food that he/she perhaps has made with dedication? Are we grateful?

The dictionary defines a complaint as an accusation. When lamenting and complaining, the person is accusing God of not managing the details of his/her life well. But, on the contrary, praising releases God’s power into our lives. Therefore, today, we are going to discover three steps that we must take to unleash God’s power in us by being thankful and praising Him.

Acknowledge that God is in control

In order to unleash God’s power in us is to acknowledge that He is in control. But you may wonder, how can I acknowledge that God is in control when pain and suffering overwhelm me? If God is in control, why does He not do something to ease what I have? Why does He not help me solve this problem that keeps me up all night and jeopardizes my health? Why am I still unemployed, in need? It just seems that God has turned His back on me, on my problem.

Pray to God when we have problems

There are two things you can do when you have a problem. The first thing is to acknowledge that God is in control and praise to God by saying: “God, I do not understand what is happening, I have lost everything, all I see is darkness in my life, but, despite the adverse circumstances of life, I know that You know what you are doing and that You are in control.”

The second is: to pull your hair out in despair, having a spirit of criticism and murmuring. You will hurt yourself this ay. When you react this way, when you opt for this negative attitude, you are simply telling God that He does not know how to handle your life, and you will begin to walk down the path of ingratitude.

Nothing that happens escapes God’s knowledge, nothing escapes His will because God is the King of all the Earth. So says Psalm 47:7, “Sing praises to our King, sing praises! Because God is the King of all the earth; sing praises with understanding.” God is the sovereign King of all the Earth. Everything that happens is allowed by the King. He is above all the problems that may exist in the universe.

Pray to God, He is not the perpetrator of the negative things

We need to understand something. God is not the perpetrator of the negative things that happen in your life. He is not the originator of the death and pain you might be experiencing right now. God loves us, He wants our well-being, He works for our happiness. You must understand the context of the world in which you live.

What is the origin of the suffering

You live in a sinful world. Our first parents had the opportunity to live eternally happy, but they decided to sell everything good and delicious that God had given them for their well-being by eating the forbidden fruit God had instructed them not to eat. God had told them that they would die the day they ate the forbidden fruit. We know the rest of the story.

Adam and Eve disobeyed, and sin entered this world and therefore eternal death. Today we receive the results, as an outcome of the carelessness our first parents displayed.

The effects of the sin

Reflecting on their disobedience and its effects on the world, we can say that the problems that overwhelm us today come from three sources.

  • The first of these sources is the sin of a world that is mortally wounded.
  • The second one, the sinful actions of people who are close to us, around us.
  • Thirdly, sin that exists in us, that leads us to make mistakes and sinful acts.

We are surrounded by sin and under its influence. God is in control, and He has the last word against sin in this world. He tells us: there is pain, death, and misery, but one day, not that far, I will give you eternal life.

We have this salvation in the midst of this world that is sinking into a sea of problems, complications, situations that make us feel sad and miserable. We have a God in happiness in the midst of adversity.

Pray to God when we have suffered injustice

Perhaps there is someone who has committed sinful acts against you, someone who has violated your rights, abused you sexually, physically, or emotionally. Perhaps you have been abused, slandered, or hurt. God can take all those destructive  actions and turn them into eternal blessing in your life.

Let us take, for example, Joseph and his brothers’ case in their biblical story. They took Joseph, threw him into a well, sold him as a slave, falsely accused him, and put him in a prison. From there, God took him out so that he could be the second most important person in the world’s largest empire at that time.

God used all the negative things that had happened in Joseph’s life so that he could grow and have emotional well-being, training him to be powerful in His cause (God). God can also take everything negative that has happened to you and use it to transform your life and help you become a giant for his Kingdom.

Bad things happens

You may have been fired from your job, or maybe you have received the news that you have a serious or terminal illness, maybe one of your family members has died, or you feel that problems overwhelm you, that you have no rest, that you cannot take it anymore. But God is above everything. God is there by your side to make all these things a blessing for you. God never leaves you.

Pray to God, He loves us

Romans 8:26 tells us that for those who love God, all things work for good. Regardless of what you have experienced in your life, God is more powerful than what has happened to you. God created you and tells you:

“I love you so much that if you leave what is happening to you to Me, if you surrender it totally to My will, if you believe that I am in control and you have a grateful attitude, I will take everything that is jeopardizing your life, what is making you unhappy, what saddens and worries you, and I am going to use it to bless your life. From all this, a blessing may arise for which you will feel grateful to God. Everything will be for your own good.”

God has a perfect plan for your life and mine

Perhaps we look at the circumstances that surround us and think that we have stood still forever, static in a painful place, stuck. We feel that the more we ask and cry out to God to help us, the more adverse circumstances around us seem to pile up. The highlight, in which that situation stops, cannot come until we acknowledge that God is in control and wants us to give Him control of everything.

He loves us, He wants us to be happy, God wants to bring blessings to our lives, blessings that in us will rekindle that love we have for Him, blessings that will make us feel grateful and praise Him in the midst of difficulties. God is that light in the midst of the dark world in which we live, He is our refuge in our difficulties. Let us come to God today with praise and thanks, and thank him for every blessing that He has given to our lives.

Even when we do not understand the good that will come from an unfavorable and adverse situation, let us show gratitude and praise. God expects this of us. It will be a blessing.

How to forgive when you cannot forget?

The complexity of romantic relationships, and how they are affected by different life events, is quite extensive. Much more so if we get into the subject of how to forgive when you cannot forget.

A grudge or resentment is something we have all experienced at one time or another, but when the person to whom this burden is being directed is someone close, the consequences will be greater. A father, a mother, a child or sibling, and of course, our romantic partners.

Even so, you have to consider a great truth of life, one that I am going to reveal to you at this moment, and that is that you do not have to forget to forgive. Forgiveness is often just remembering without hurting, getting rid of negative burdens and moving on.

God has taught us over and over again the value of forgiveness, its importance in this world, and how capable we are of doing His will. So, it is up to you to find the best tools for this purpose.

The keys for how to forgive

In my consultations, it is painful to see how some marriages consider that forgiveness a one-time event. Forgiveness is a process. In the same way that a wound takes time to heal, the emotional wound produced by the wrongdoing also takes time to heal. For this reason, after you decide to extend the gift of forgiveness, you will find yourself remembering the painful experience.

If your spouse decides to forgive you today for forgetting the wedding anniversary, it does not mean that tomorrow everything will be solved with a “sorry.” The same thing happens with bigger mistakes, so if you as a couple and as individuals have decided to provide the gift of forgiveness to your spouse, it is important to be patient through this healing process.

Hiding feelings, disguising resentment, and consistently being paranoid is not healthy for anyone. The pain may not go away instantly, but it can be worked through. The process will depend on the seriousness of the offense. If you are committed to forgiving a difficult spouse, a book that I recommend reading is Dr. Gary and Ted Cunningham’s From Anger to Intimacy., which talks more in depth about the digressions that marriages face in relation to forgiveness.

I would also like to give you some tips on how to forgive a difficult spouse in a wise and emotionally healthy way:

Combating the retaliatory attitude

As children, we learn to retaliate against what we don’t like. For example, if your playmate hits you, you hit back. If they said something bad to you, you do the same, or you may have done something worse. This is a behavior that we probably continue to repeat as adults, but in a more disguised way. Why?

Because we believe that by responding in the same way, we will hurt the other person as much as they hurt us. So, it shouldn’t “hurt as much,” right?

When we commit ourselves before God to another person, we form a very intimate bond, one capable of revealing weaknesses never said in public. So therein lies a very sensitive piece of information. The husband knows how to hurt the wife, and vice versa, leading to serious retaliation in marriages.

God has always known this, and that is why He warns that retaliation is forbidden. “Retaliation” will feel good immediately, of course, but at what cost? Our Lord knows the harm of retaliation and how it can destroy human life. Don’t fall for it.

Recognize that you can only change yourself

You are not responsible or capable of changing your spouse’s behavior, so keep this in mind. When hope for fighting for a marriage vanishes on one side, the relationship will decline.

But it is never too late for hope to revive. So when, for example, a spouse speaks discouraging words or is not expressive enough with his or her emotions, you need to talk to him or her. In the first instances, they may not understand, but you must insist until you see the results.

Two people who were married in love do not stop being in love because they got married. It is right to blame the lack of communication or the lack of capacity to cheer up. All of this can be solved. By speaking up, expressing yourself and committing, the road to change is possible.

You can work on yourself with passion and devotion, accepting God’s grace in your heart. It is a task for both of you.

Love your spouse unconditionally

When we marry, we place no conditions or invisible rules on love and commitment. Jesus teaches us that love for a spouse is unconditional, just as God loves us.

Sometimes it is necessary to take the first step. Did Jesus wait for the spectators to repent as He hung on the cross? No, He asked His Father to forgive them because they did not have the capacity to understand what they were doing. You are capable of showing this attitude to those you love.

Responding to God instead of reacting to your spouse

If you are not able to forgive, you should question your relationship with God.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give, but if time passes, and you continue to harbor negative feelings, only the Lord can help you lighten your burdens.

Are you really listening to Him?

How to forgive and therapeutic change

What happens when you can’t forgive no matter how hard you try and keep stalling? Signs of this are avoidant, defensive, and depressive behaviors, all of which indicate that forgiveness is missing in the relationship. This is confirmed by the study “The efficacy of the Christian-adapted reach forgiveness intervention with African American Christian women.”

At the therapeutic level, this fear needs to be eliminated, but when the process is not adequate, the neural pathways created by the conditioning will only serve to reduce that fear. That fear will eventually return in the form of negative memories, thoughts, and feelings.

Therefore, in these cases, guidance and therapies customized to the particular experiences will be needed.

Final words

To forgive every day is a sign of virtue and overcoming, a sign that God’s grace is in us. That is why I would like you to share your experiences or opinions about this article, so that I may be able to help you.

Forgiveness and its meaning in the Bible

We talk about forgiveness every day. But do you know what forgiveness really means? I have noticed that many of my patients do not look at forgiveness with the same criteria, hence my approach.

We all learn according to the education we have, the people we know, and the emotional intelligence we have developed. So when they explain to me how they are not able to forgive, most of the time, the problem is that their definition of forgiveness is wrong.

It is impossible to practice something that we do not know, hence I would like for us to learn more about what forgiveness means and the myths that surround it together.

What is forgiveness?

According to the Royal Spanish Academy, to forgive is the action of remitting an offense, debt, or fault, while the Greek word “Aphiemi” translated as forgiveness implies letting go or to release. Similarly, another Greek word used for forgiveness, Charizomai, means to give free and unconditional forgiveness.

To exempt or release from contracted obligations is a way of analyzing it further. Also, forgiveness is seen as a kind of gift or an act of kindness to be given to another person, which at the same time is positive for the giver.

Keep in mind that the action of forgiving is not a feeling, it is an act of will, a decision where you choose not to talk or think about the negative aspects you experienced. By giving it, you will be exempting the guilty party from responsibility.

For my part, I recommend that the action of forgiving be seen more as an added benefit to the person to whom it will be granted because the truth is that those of us who are able to forgive are the ones who benefit the most.

Forgiveness is more than a feeling

It is a liberating action, but one that is still conflicting. It is not petty to feel afraid to give relief to the one who hurt you. Thinking of forgiveness as a gift to someone else, while believing that this person does not deserve it, and actually wanting them to suffer for their mistakes, are all thoughts that make us human. They are common. They are also heavy and exhausting.

However, if you think that not forgiving is a form of punishment for that person, I must make it clear to you that you are wrong.

You may think that not forgiving is a way to take care of our own wounds, to proclaim that the suffering still exists, and to validate your own feelings. If the person is not able to admit or understand how they hurt you, it is natural for you to conclude that they do not deserve your forgiveness.

Nevertheless, the only thing you are doing by holding on to forgiveness is slowly hurting yourself.

What is not forgiveness?

In order to forgive, we need to go through with four promises, which are: not to think about the incident, not to relive it, not to talk about it, and not to allow it to damage your present.

You may think I am talking about forgetting, when in reality, I am not. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process that needs time, which is different from the act of forgiving, an active process.

So, when God says, “and I will remember your sin no more (Isa 43:25),” He is implying that He is not able to forget our faults, but in forgiving us, He chooses not to mention or take these into account. We must follow his example. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing others. It is the opposite.

The consequences of not forgiving

When you are not able to forgive, you will believe that you are in your right. It is more important for you to continue justifying your version of the truth and claiming some sort of recompense for the unfair treatment you received.

If you don’t grant your forgiveness, it will mean that the other person is the one who is wrong. It is an act of confirming and validating your pain.

I can’t help but mention how I have seen over and over again a thought process that by forgiving someone, you are “okay” in the present with what they did, leading to thoughts like, “Are my feelings no longer relevant?” “Will all be forgotten?” “Is it over?”

Forgiveness is not the same as saying that your suffering is meaningless, or that your pain has disappeared. Nor is it the same as saying that you have returned to being the same person you were before. Forgiveness is an act of liberation that we all need, first, for ourselves.

What does the Bible say about forgiving?

The Bible gives us hundreds of lessons about forgiveness and how to apply it in our daily lives, the main one being that forgiveness is shown as the spiritual deliverance necessary to continue.

For example, in Romans 8:1, it is said that the forgiveness we have in Christ implies the release of sinners from God’s just penalty and the complete dismissal of all charges against us. Also, in Ephesians 4:32, it is explained that the forgiveness God shows us for our sins is the same forgiveness we should show to others.

As the Holy Scriptures tell us, forgiveness is inexhaustible. Besides, rather than a source of weakness, it is a source of healing and power. Power and strength do not lie in denial or in pretending to be superior to pain, but rather in accepting who we are, how we feel, and acting in the best possible way to live by the counsel of our Lord.

Remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, and is not granted primarily because the person involved deserves it. Instead, look at forgiveness as a deliberate act of love, mercy, and grace.

5 Myths about forgiving

Resentment, bitterness, and even despair all come from living in a state of denial of forgiveness. But I understand how not understanding what it entails and the good it will do could lead you away from it. With this in mind, I would like to tell you about five very famous myths about forgiveness, and that you need to know that they are just that, myths.

1. Equals forgetting:

If you think that forgiveness is the same as forgetting the acts, you are wrong. As we have already read, it does not mean that what was done will be erased. Forgiving and forgetting is even seen as psychologically impossible.

2. It implies that the pain is gone:

Nor does forgive mean that your feelings are not there. You are not a robot, you have emotions that are valuable and that we should all respect. Forgiving is a step towards healing.

3. If you are forgiving, you have already surrendered in the search for justice:

Desiring justice is not a bad thing. So by forgiving, you are not admitting that you do not want it to happen. God’s timing is perfect, so sooner or later, He will make it happen.

4. It is an invitation to be hurt again:

This is one of the most problematic myths, because no, forgiveness is not an act of submission or weakness; it is the opposite.

5. If you forgive once, it’s done:

The process of forgiveness takes more than a few minutes, and more than one stage. Only you can decide which stage is the right one, and it will not be a short one.

Final words

The act of forgiving enhances our spirit and our mind. I invite you to continue reading my articles on how to forgive and how to understand the process. Would you like to tell me about your case? I will be glad to answer any questions you may have about this.

How to teach our children emotional intelligence

As a parent, you will not be able to encourage emotional intelligence in your children without first understanding it in detail, and your role as a guide. That is why I want us to go deeper into what makes up emotional intelligence. Besides, we should also know what kind of behavior is appropriate for this task.

What are the components of emotional intelligence?

Talking about emotional intelligence without looking into the work of Daniel Goleman would be a mistake, thus it is necessary to understand his work. According to Goleman, emotional intelligence can be understood as a type that goes beyond the rational or logical.

It is composed of five principles that work together to help us resolve conflicts. These components or principles are:

Emotional Self-Awareness

Emotional self-awareness refers to the ability to understand one’s own emotions and moods. It consists of an intellectual process in which we can relate what we feel to what we express and what others experience.

It is through it that we can analyze how our actions affect others and understand that the emotions you feel can change the world around you.

Emotional Self-Regulation

Emotional self-regulation is the ability to control impulses and emotions with assertiveness. Self-regulation is what prevents us getting carried away by our primary instincts, controlling them instead. A person lacking emotional self-regulation will tend to cause conflicts and altercations in their environment because they do not know how to control themselves.

Lack of control over emotions is dangerous because it will create a bad self-image. On the other hand, those who do have this kind of self-regulation are able to adapt to their environment and do not let emotions overflow. Thinking before speaking is a good way to summarize emotional self-regulation.

Motivation

The third component of emotional intelligence is motivation, which is a psychological process composed of our ability to direct our emotional states towards a specific goal. This has to be in a positive and energetic way, as it will help to face setbacks with vigor.

Motivation helps us stay on track in our lives, to be persistent, and avoid distractions. When there is no motivation, you will notice that fatigue and boredom will set in. So will sadness and negativity.

Empathy

Empathy is a very valuable quality in the world we live in. I think this because of how blind we can sometimes be to the feelings of others, and how distant we feel from our neighbor, when it should be the opposite.

Empathy contributes to emotional intelligence as the ability to put ourselves in the place of others, allowing us to interpret others’ feelings and live their emotions.

Using it, we can be more open-minded and we can also be of more help in complicated moments when we do not know how to act.

Social Skills

The last of the elements are social skills, which are a series of abilities that allow us to relate better to the surrounding individuals. They are recognized as being key to professional and personal development.

Without social skills, we would not be able to communicate effectively, nor know the needs of our environment. That is what we are made for, to live in community and togetherness, just as God teaches us through His word. The problem is that those who lack highly developed social skills feel nervous when interacting with others, for example.

Here, we come back to the issue of the importance for children. They are constantly being pushed to socialize in their schools from a very young age. And a child who finds it difficult to work in a team will have a more difficult time adapting in the educational system.

The first school to teach emotional intelligence is at home

Do you want your children to have high emotional intelligence? My main advice is that everything starts at home. It is not the first time I have said it, but this is the reality that I need to emphasize again and again. Children are the reflection of their parents. Therefore, it is necessary for them to see how emotional intelligence works at home.

God has placed the greatest task of creation in the hands of mothers and fathers, that of conceiving life, and guiding it along the right path. To give immeasurable love, as He Himself gives us in his infinite mercy as our creator.

So have you evaluated whether you are a good example of emotional intelligence for your children? If the answer is negative after analyzing yourself, you must understand that parents who are not emotionally intelligent will not be able to teach their children to practice it. You can’t give what you don’t have, it’s as simple as that.

You must also internalize that the emotional dynamic that parents experience is the same that their children experience. Children will handle their emotions the same way their parents do. You are the mirror in which your child will reflect, so it is a team effort. It is work that not only depends on the little ones, but also on the adults in the house.

What kind of parent are you?

The relationship between parents and children is a beautiful bond. It must be strengthened and enriched day by day. However, we agree that it will not be easy to keep it stable all the time due to its complexity. It is true especially during the development stage, a fundamental stage to solidify this sacred bond. The path of emotional growth is full of responsibility and requires constant self-education.

One of the ways to do this is to identify the type of parent you are. For this task, the American psychologist and clinician John Gottman has classified parents according to several types:

  • Careless parents. They are the type of parents who belittle and ridicule their children’s negative emotions.
  • Punishing parents. They are the ones who impose punishments and reprimand their children. They abound in negative feelings.
  • Parents who do not set limits. These parents are in a middle. Although they accept the child’s negative emotions, they are not able to set limits on their behaviors.
  • “Emotional Coach” Parents. This is the ideal. These parents identify their children’s feelings and encourage them to talk about it and try to find a solution together.

You yourself have the power to be your child’s emotional coach. But for that, you must have skills such as:

  • knowing how to identify the child’s emotions,
  • taking advantage of opportunities to teach them,
  • listening to them with empathy and
  • validating their feelings.

It is also necessary teaching them to define them. As well as establishing limits to negative feelings and giving them accessible solutions.

Why Emotional Intelligence is important for children?

I have lost count of the number of parents who have called me concerned about their children’s erratic behavior. For that reason, we will see what is Emotional Intelligence and how important is it for our children?

From little ones who are aggressive with their schoolmates, to withdraw children who have a hard time relating to others. As their parent, you will feel it is your responsibility to help them overcome these issues, so you may be looking for reasons to blame them or punishments to correct them.

Even so, have you ever wondered if your child is capable of handling their own emotions? The complexity of human relationships begins very early in life, therefore, a lack of emotional intelligence will result in the inability to control or manage their emotions.

Emotional intelligence is as important as other types of intelligence because it helps you know yourself and others as you grow up. By encouraging it in children, their learning will improve, they will be able to resolve conflicts more easily, and it will encourage better personal and social well-being.

If you feel that you invest a lot of effort into making your child do their homework, get good grades, or behave the way you want them to, keep in mind that proper development is not only focused on academic intelligence. It’s time for me to teach you what emotional intelligence is. Let’s start.

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills for the correct management of emotions, for example, motivation, empathy, enthusiasm, and self-control. These skills can be acquired from birth or learned throughout life. That is why both adults and children are able to develop them.

This concept was first used by the American psychologists Peter Salovey & John Mayer in 1990. Later, it became the title of a book by author Daniel Goleman.

Unlike what you may believe, emotional intelligence does not having no emotional reaction to stimuli. On the contrary, it is about the reactions you have to them. You may be surprised by this, but the reactions provoked by emotions are many times greater than the emotion itself.

That is why an emotionally intelligent person will have the following characteristics:

  • They have a deep knowledge of their emotions: Those who develop emotional intelligence can analyze their emotions and interpret them. They just don’t just feel them.
  • These people do not repress their feelings: They show sincerity and authenticity regarding their feelings. Besides, they can also express their feelings clearly.
  • They show a balance in their emotions: It’s all about balance, and how they are able to identify the bad and the good. They are always looking for helpful solutions.

Considering all the above, it is logical to want our children to have this kind of intelligence. However, first it is fundamental that, as parents, we are able to educate ourselves and follow the path that has been established by our God.

What are emotions?

In a technical way, emotions are physiological reactions that we have to adapt to the environment we are in. In other words, our brain has the great capacity to modify our cognition to use behaviors that allow us to survive depending on the situation. Basically, emotions are adaptive functions.

At the same time, this function has physiological components (an involuntary reaction, such as accelerated breathing), cognitive components (a subjective experience), and behavioral components (the change of behavior, such as movements or facial gestures).

According to Paul Ekman, there are six basic or primary emotions:

  1. Fear: Associated with nervousness, restlessness, and anxiety.
  2. Anger: Associated with hostility, indignation, and rage.
  3. Joy: Associated with pleasure, amusement, and ecstasy.
  4. Surprise: Associated with discovery, expectation, and dynamism.
  5. Disgust: Associated with disgust or rejection.
  6. Sadness: Associated with isolation or decreased energy.

Why is emotional intelligence important?

If your child is, for example, not good at math, but instead of asking for your help, he or she screams and gets frustrated easily, you will understand the importance of emotional intelligence. Children who have it are able to solve problems by managing their emotions wisely.

But giving it to your children, it is not really something you can measure. There are no tests such as the intelligence quotient (IQ) to know if they have it. But vitality of emotional intelligence in child development is remarkable. A child who is emotionally intelligent will be able to respond well to the surrounding environment. Likewise, he/she will be able to establish better relationships with other children and adults.

I feel that encouraging emotional intelligence is ideal, especially for children who have difficulty concentrating or learning. With emotional intelligence, they will be able to improve their learning skills, and develop in this way.

As a parent, you need to put yourself in your child’s position at every difficult moment. So just imagine that you have learning and attention difficulties, you can’t solve tasks that are easy for your other classmates. Children with these kinds of complications often feel embarrassed and intimidated by learning. But by stimulating their emotional intelligence, you can prepare them for new challenges.

You should also consider the fact that having problems with emotional intelligence could be a sign that the child will have learning or attention difficulties in the future. This is why children with ADHD tend to develop their social skills later and have difficulty interpreting situations accurately.

If your child fits this description, or you identify with what I have said here, do not feel like there is no solution. It is quite the opposite, actually. Emotional intelligence can be modified for each child.