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Myths and truths of inner peace

Plantas en macetas sobre el alféizar de una ventana soleada

The search for inner peace is a common aspiration, but it is often surrounded by myths and misunderstandings.
Inner peace, a deep sense of tranquility and well-being, is not always easy to achieve, and false beliefs can make it difficult to attain.
In this article, we will explore five myths and truths about inner peace, unraveling what it means and how we can cultivate it in our lives.

Myth 1: Inner peace means absence of problems.

One of the most common myths about inner peace is that it is a life without problems and conflicts.
This belief can lead to disappointment, since problems are an inevitable part of life.
Truth: Inner peace is not the absence of problems, but the ability to remain calm and clear-headed in the midst of them.
It is an attitude and a way of being that allows you to face challenges with serenity and equanimity.
People who have achieved inner peace have learned to accept that problems are part of life and not to be overwhelmed by them.
Instead of avoiding problems, they develop skills and strategies to handle them effectively, maintaining their emotional well-being.

Myth 2: Inner peace is achieved through the accumulation of material goods.

Another erroneous belief is that inner peace can be achieved through the accumulation of material goods and external success.
Many people believe that having more money, property or social status will bring them lasting peace of mind and happiness.
Truth: Inner peace is not bought or obtained through the accumulation of material goods.
Although material comforts give a temporary sense of satisfaction, true inner peace comes from within.
It is the result of a deep connection with oneself and one’s personal values, rather than external possessions.
Inner peace is cultivated through introspection, meditation, gratitude and acceptance of self and others.

Myth 3: Inner peace means always being happy.

Many people believe that inner peace means always being in a state of constant happiness and never experiencing negative emotions such as sadness, anger or frustration.
Truth: Inner peace does not mean always being happy.
Negative emotions are a natural part of the human experience and do not disappear because someone has achieved inner peace.
True inner peace involves the ability to accept all emotions, both positive and negative, without being dominated by them.
It means being able to observe and experience emotions without over-identifying with them, while maintaining an attitude of acceptance and compassion towards oneself. Accepting an emotion does not mean putting up with deep or lasting pain: if sadness, anxiety or hopelessness stay for weeks or begin to interfere with daily life, talking with a professional is a sign of care, not a sign that you have failed at finding peace.

Myth 4: Inner peace is a permanent state.

There is an idea that once inner peace is achieved, it is a permanent and continuous state that does not fluctuate with time and circumstances.
Truth: Inner peace is not a fixed and permanent state; it is a continuous practice.
Life circumstances change, and with them, our emotions and mental states.
Inner peace is cultivated through the daily practice of mindfulness, meditation and other self-care techniques that help maintain emotional balance.
It is normal for inner peace to fluctuate and sometimes be challenged by external events.
The important thing is to have the tools and willingness to refocus and find balance again and again.

Myth 5: Inner peace is achieved by isolating oneself from the world.

Some people believe that in order to achieve inner peace it is necessary to withdraw from the world, to live in solitude or in an environment free of distractions and challenges.
Truth: Inner peace does not require isolation from the world.
While taking time for oneself and reducing external noise is beneficial, true inner peace is that which is maintained in the midst of daily life.
It is the ability to find serenity and balance in any situation, even in noisy and chaotic environments.
Inner peace is cultivated by interacting with the world and learning to manage distractions and challenges effectively.

What is one small practice that helps you find calm in the middle of an ordinary day?

Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.

If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.

This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.

8 things you didn’t know about depression

Camino con un banco bajo los árboles en un parque

Depression is an illness that affects millions of people around the world. Despite how common it is, many aspects of depression are not well known. Understanding them can help reduce stigma and support those who live with it. Here are eight things you may not have known about depression.

1. It is not just sadness

One of the most common misconceptions is that depression is simply being sad. In reality it is more complex and includes a wide range of symptoms.

It can show up as a deep sense of emptiness, hopelessness, irritability, loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy, changes in appetite and sleep, or difficulty concentrating. It can also cause physical symptoms such as aches and pains.

Unlike sadness, which is usually temporary, depression can last for weeks, months or longer. It is a condition that needs appropriate care and treatment.

2. It is not always triggered by a specific event

It is often assumed that depression must be set off by a traumatic event or by stressful situations, but that is not always the case.

Genetic, biological, environmental and psychological factors can all play a role. Some people have a family predisposition and may develop depression for no apparent reason. Some medical conditions and medications can also contribute, so it is wise to be evaluated by a professional.

3. It can affect anyone

There is a belief that certain people are more prone to depression because of their personality or lifestyle, but depression can affect anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, income, culture or education.

No matter how successful, happy or stable someone appears from the outside, anyone can be affected. Because of stigma, many people do not seek help because they believe they “shouldn’t” feel depressed given their favorable circumstances.

4. It can be “invisible”

Sometimes people with depression look fine or even happy to others, which makes it hard to understand what they are going through.

Many learn to hide their symptoms and keep functioning in daily life, which leads to the mistaken idea that they are okay. Someone can seem to have everything under control while carrying an inner pain that others cannot see. If you are worried about someone, ask them kindly how they are really doing and listen without judging.

5. It is not cured simply by “thinking positive”

A common piece of advice is to tell a depressed person to think positive or cheer up, but depression is not resolved by a change of attitude.

It is a health condition that often requires professional treatment. Telling someone to “be positive” can minimize what they are going through and leave them feeling misunderstood. It is also not a lack of faith or of character. Prayer and the support of a faith community can accompany a person, but they do not replace professional care.

6. It can affect memory and concentration

Besides mood, depression can affect the ability to think. Many people have trouble concentrating, making decisions and remembering things, which can affect work, study and daily activities.

This symptom, sometimes called “mental fog,” can be frustrating and make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Recognizing it can help you seek the right treatment.

7. Treatment can be a long process

Treating depression is not always quick or simple. It can take time and adjustments to find what works for each person.

Supported options include psychotherapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy, and, in some cases, medication. Not everyone responds the same way: what helps one person may not help another. Medications usually take several weeks to work. The decision to start, change or stop a medication belongs to the person who prescribes it; do not make it on your own.

Be patient and work with mental health professionals to adjust the plan as needed. Do not give up too soon.

8. It is treatable

As debilitating as it can be, depression is treatable, and many people improve with the right treatment. There are no guarantees for anyone, but asking for help is the first step. There are several options, and a professional can recommend the one that fits each case best.

Seeking support, whether in therapy, in support groups or from friends and family, can make a big difference.

If you have thoughts of death or of hurting yourself, or someone close to you does, this is an emergency: seek help right away, as shown below.

Is there someone in your life, or perhaps you yourself, who would be helped today by an honest question: “How are you, really?”

Sources

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Depression”: nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression.

10 questions to ask yourself when starting a relationship

Sol que sale sobre el mar con el cielo de colores cálidos

Starting a relationship is exciting and full of expectations, but it is also a crucial time to reflect and make sure you are making an informed decision.
Asking yourself important questions can help you better understand your feelings, expectations and compatibility with the other person.
Here are ten questions to ask yourself when entering into a relationship, so you know if you are making the right choice for that person and yourself.

Am I ready for a relationship?

The first question to ask yourself is whether you are ready for a relationship.
Reflect on your emotional state and whether you have left behind any pain or conflict from previous relationships.
Consider whether you are in a healthy place mentally to share your life with someone else.
Being ready involves having the ability to commit, communicate effectively, and being willing to invest time and effort into the relationship.

What are my expectations?

When starting a relationship, it is crucial to be clear about your expectations.
Ask yourself what you expect from a partner and from a relationship in general.
Reflect on what you consider essential, such as honesty, respect, emotional support, and compatibility in values and goals.
Having clear expectations will help you communicate better with your partner and avoid future misunderstandings.

Do we share the same values and objectives?

Compatibility in values and goals is critical when starting a relationship.
Ask yourself if you and your potential partner share similar beliefs and principles about important aspects of life, such as family, career, religion and lifestyle.
Aligning on these issues can help build a strong and lasting relationship.

Can I be myself with this person?

It is essential to feel comfortable and authentic when entering into a relationship.
Ask yourself if you can be yourself with this person, without feeling the need to hide parts of your personality or change to be accepted.
Authenticity is key to a healthy and satisfying relationship.

How do we handle conflicts?

Conflict management is an inevitable part of any relationship.
Ask yourself how you and your potential partner handle disagreements and differences.
See if you can discuss respectfully and constructively, and if you are both willing to compromise and find solutions together.
Good conflict management is crucial to maintaining a strong and harmonious relationship.

Do we have common interests and activities?

Having interests and activities in common can strengthen the connection when starting a relationship.
Ask yourself if you and your potential partner enjoy similar hobbies and activities.
Sharing time together doing things you both enjoy creates positive memories and strengthens the bond between you.

Do I feel valued and respected?

Mutual respect and appreciation are essential in any relationship.
Ask yourself if you feel valued and respected by your potential partner.
Observe how he or she treats you and whether he or she shows appreciation for you and what you bring to the relationship.
Feeling valued and respected is critical to your emotional well-being and to the health of the relationship. If you feel afraid of this person, controlled, constantly criticized or pressured, take that as an important warning sign and speak with someone you trust or with a professional.

Am I willing to accept their shortcomings?

No one is perfect, and it is important to be willing to accept your partner’s flaws when entering into a relationship.
Ask yourself if you can accept your potential partner’s imperfections and weaknesses without trying to change them. Accepting imperfections is not the same as accepting disrespect, control or harm; those are not shortcomings to put up with.
Accepting your partner as he or she is, with his or her strengths and flaws, is essential to building an authentic and lasting relationship.

Do we have open and honest communication?

Open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful relationship.
Ask yourself if you communicate openly and honestly with your potential partner.
See if you both talk about your feelings, needs and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism.
Effective communication is crucial to solving problems and maintaining a strong emotional connection.

Do I feel happy and secure in this relationship?

Ask yourself if you feel happy and secure entering into a relationship with this person.
Reflect on whether the relationship brings you joy and satisfaction, and whether you feel secure.
Happiness and emotional security are key indicators of a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Which of these ten questions feels hardest to answer honestly today, and what might that be telling you?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

What does love feel like? 10 signs of true love

Love is the feeling that has most inspired human beings in absolutely all areas of life. Countless songs, books, plays and other works have been dedicated to love. However, it is very complex to identify when it is true love, given the predisposition we have to feel it.

The question that many people ask themselves is what does love feel like and how do I know if we are facing true love? The first answer, thanks to science, is a little easier. Love involves biological and chemical processes, as biological anthropologist Helen Fisher has written, but it is much more than chemistry.

Certain hormones are activated in our bodies when we feel love and make us feel good about sharing with our loved one. It is not only a sexual impulse, but involves many bodily functions. Still, a feeling alone cannot prove that a relationship is healthy; that is why the signs below look at how you are treated and how you act together.

Keys to recognizing true love

Such is the importance of love in human behavior that researchers in various fields of knowledge have sought to find explanations. An empirical analysis of Sternberg’s triangular theory focuses on the combination of the three elements that identify balanced love. They are:

Intimacy
Passion
Commitment

In Sternberg’s theory, the fullest kind of love combines all three components in balance, which helps a relationship be healthy and fruitful for both people. In relation to these aspects, we bring you 10 signs so that you can recognize if what you feel for that special “someone” is true love.

1. It’s good for you and everyone notices it

The main key is well-being. Love is often accompanied by positive changes in mood and energy. If that person improves your mood, your spirits, you feel like getting ready, you feel good about yourself, that is a good sign.

2. You can be yourself

This is an extremely important point. Real love will not make you change; it will not force you to be who you are not. Rather, it will motivate you to grow as a person, as the person you already are. It will validate you even more and will never seek to extinguish your essence. If instead you feel afraid, controlled or pressured, that is more serious than an unhealthy pattern: please see the help information at the end of this article. If you are not sure, be careful: it may not be a healthy relationship.

3. You can talk to each other through looks or gestures

When there is trust between two people, communication is one of the points where it is most expressed. Understanding each other without words is a strong indicator that the connection is real, that you are developing a love language between you. You will see that it goes beyond words, too, to the actions of love.

4. You help and support each other

If there is love, there is mutual support. True love is unselfish and cares for the other as well as for oneself. In a couple, working for each other’s personal well-being will be the impetus for forming a healthy and lasting dynamic.

5. You respect each other

A very common problem in couples that do not work and where love is quickly extinguished is the lack of mutual respect. As hard as it may be at times, respecting each other’s time and God’s time in a couple is essential.

In Romans 12:10 the Bible says: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (NIV) That is the importance of respect in love. If you feel that with “that person” there is a sincere respect for each other’s times, ideas, ways of expressing yourself, tastes, etc., that is a good sign.

6. You strive to resolve every conflict

The best couples are not those who don’t fight, but those who strive to resolve every situation in the best possible way. Respect also plays a major role in conflict resolution. There should be no room for offence, anger is no justification for hurting your partner.

When there is love and respect, conflicts can be resolved in ways that bring you closer together and help your relationship grow. The bond can be strengthened rather than fissured, and can bring you closer to a broader understanding of your values and responsibilities as partners.

7. You don’t complement each other, you understand each other

It is important to uproot the idea of complementarity in love and replace it with understanding. Romantic stories have shown us an ideal version of love that, in many cases, is not possible to live in reality. These expectations end up wearing out the partners and lead to disbelief in love.

An article from the Faculty of Psychology in Uruguay points out the importance of a love based on understanding between partners. We are not “better halves”, God created us complete and whole. What you should seek is to be in one spirit with each other and with God, so you will know that it is a love of blessing for you.

8. You laugh together easily

Shared laughter is often a sign of closeness in a couple, and it can reflect a healthy relationship and sincere feelings. It’s simple, laughter is associated with the ability to express ourselves freely, healthy situations that make us happy and good chemistry between the two of us. That is a good sign.

9. You don’t need to hide anything from each other

Of course love is based on trust and full knowledge of each other. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have “secrets” from time to time, a surprise or a plan for the future. It means that there are no aspects of your personality or your past that you seek to hide.

If you feel an obligation to hide it may be because something is not right in the relationship. A relationship cannot give rise to lies or deception between partners, let alone fear of showing each other who you really are.

10. You have projects together

Finally, an indicator of love is creating projects together. When there is love, there is a desire to share every aspect of life and to plan new things together. If you try to include each other in every plan you make, it is because you truly love each other.

Analyze your relationship before moving on to the next step. No list can tell you for sure, but these signs can help you see more clearly.

Looking at these ten signs, which one do you most want to nurture in your relationship?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

Things your marriage counselor is thinking, but not telling you

When you start working with a marriage counselor you are taking the first step in changing the atmosphere of your relationship. It is a big step, and the best way to rebuild the most important bond you can have. But, in many cases, it can lead to doubts and insecurities.

Leaving your relationship in the hands of a third person is a difficult decision to make. The trust you both place in the therapist is very high, so it is logical to have doubts about what he/she will do or even what he/she thinks. That’s why today I’m bringing you your counselor’s best kept secrets.

Yes, as you read it, in this blog I will tell you what your marriage counselor thinks, but will never tell you. The next time you go for a consultation, you will feel more confident about opening the doors of your relationship to let in this new breeze.

What your marriage counselor doesn’t tell you, in sentences

Why am I sharing this with you? Not so that you will question your marriage counselor in the next session. It is for the purpose of understanding his or her work and its importance to your partner. So that you can take ownership of that time and space to work on yourself and your relationship.

Of course, each professional is different and the ways of understanding therapy and applying it to a specific case vary. However, the following phrases will surely make you feel identified. Don’t forget that if he or she doesn’t say them, it is for your growth. Keep these tips in mind when you doubt him/her.

“It’s good that they fight”

When a couple attends such a consultation it is because they detect conflict. Recognizing it is the key to begin to solve the problems in the marriage. Although it may seem contradictory, many come to the counselling office ashamed of the state of their relationship and try to minimize things.

Wrong, the marriage counselor must see clearly what is going on in order to guide the work in the right direction. If tension shows up in front of them, they will be more than grateful, because it lets them see how the two of you really talk to each other. That means that there is a mutual interest in starting to put problems on the table to visualize and heal. (This does not mean that shouting, insults or threats are acceptable.)

“Do you really want to be together?”

Many couples go to counseling without knowing if it will be the end or if there is still hope. Many therapists observe that intolerance in couples seems to be more and more frequent today. It has become “normal” to want to leave the relationship without trying to overcome conflicts.

In this context, the counselor will try to assess whether there is still genuine interest in the relationship. He or she will look at whether both partners are contributing their efforts and dedication, or whether it is a one-sided relationship. In either case, there is hope. But rebuilding that mutual love and trust will take a long process of renewal.

“I’m not going to tell you who is right, none of you are”

One of the main human reactions to conflict is to try to look for those responsible. It is not that it is wrong to look for it, nor that there is no responsibility for the problem. However, when something doesn’t work in a couple, both should take responsibility and acknowledge their part. Remember that you are also “guilty” if:

You did nothing to resolve it.
You let time go by without talking about it.
You were not clear about how it made you feel.
You didn’t give the other person space to express themselves.
You pretended you didn’t care in the first place.

There are many more reasons why both should accept your part. Without going any further, love must be protected by each person doing their part to heal the damage of conflict. The therapist will not tell you who is right but instead will guide you both to finding where you have failed and how to improve. This approach is for ordinary conflict. If one partner is afraid of the other, or there is violence, threats or control, responsibility is not shared equally: the first step is safety, not joint counseling, and a counselor should speak with each of you separately.

“Why are you asking me what you should be asking yourself?”

Have you ever felt that your counselor is not answering your questions? You are probably asking the right questions, but to the wrong person. You are the one you should be asking. That’s why your therapist doesn’t answer them directly, but wants to direct you to find that solution.

The outcome of therapy depends to a large extent on the work of each person – or of the couple. It is about the way in which each one assimilates it, and not only in the consulting room. Don’t expect someone else to answer what you need to discover in order to grow in your integrity.

“I know this scares you, that’s why I’m telling you”

Have you ever left counselling with the feeling that your counsellor has offended you? Do you feel that he or she has touched on a sensitive subject or even a fear? Don’t think that they don’t know or that they are doing it to hurt you – on the contrary! Your counselor is trying to have a positive effect, even if you don’t see it.

Fear can move us to act or make us freeze (see this article on fear in the human brain). If you hope to bring about changes in your environment and improve conditions for your partner, it helps to face your fears, step by step and with support. Through them, you will achieve new and different, more thoughtful and measured responses.

Acting on impulse can lead to unwanted actions, with harmful effects on the other person. Your counsellor wants you to work on your ability to adapt to conditions that are not your usual comfort zone. Be confident, it will help you grow on a personal level.

“I won’t tell you what to do, I’ll help you figure it out for yourself”

In relation to the previous point, your counselor will not tell you directly what to do. He or she will help you to bring about changes in your behavior progressively and with careful work on yourself. At the same time as he or she does the same work with your partner. This is similar to how behavioral therapy approaches change.

I hope these tips help you to trust the process and make the most of your sessions. If you want to know more about counseling, you are welcome to ask.

What is one question you would like to bring to your next session, and could you ask it honestly?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

What is Christian Divorce Recovery Counseling?

After divorce, many people may fall into depression or other troubling emotional states that need to be addressed. Christian Divorce Recovery Counseling is a way to receive support as you work through wounds that may still be open.

Marriage, as God intended it for our lives, is a spiritual bond designed to bring fulfilment and growth. However, God’s children are not perfect and we do make mistakes. Sometimes a marriage reaches a point where divorce seems to be the only solution, and when there is abuse or violence, safety comes first.

A study published in the Journal of the Spanish Association of Neuropsychiatry addresses the psychological disorders that can follow separation or divorce, in parents and in children. Such a break-up can affect the mind and spirit. It is therefore important to care for each of the symptoms so that they do not get worse.

What Christian Divorce Recovery Counseling Can Do for You

People who come to Christian Divorce Recovery Counseling usually feel that they have failed, that they have turned their back on God. The feeling of anguish can seem impossible to stop, yet the Word tells us of the importance of forgiving and forgiving ourselves.

In Matthew 19:5 we read about God’s design for two to become one flesh. When a marriage built under God’s blessing faces problems, the first option is always to seek help and work together toward a solution, as long as both people are safe. Even so, there are cases where divorce may be the only way out of a relationship that has no future.

If you have found yourself in need of divorce, don’t despair or feel defeated. Counseling is a safe place to work on rebuilding your self-esteem and to care for your wounds.

How to work on recovery after divorce

It is possible to rebuild your life despite the pain, though the path and the pace are different for each person. In many cases, you need the help of a professional to guide you through the process. Asking for help is not synonymous with failure; on the contrary, it demonstrates strength.

The guidance of a Christian counselor may be useful when going through each of the different stages after separation. It can help you to find the direction you thought you had lost and to notice the little things that are not allowing you to move forward. Here are some of the goals to work toward.

Leaving the past behind

Scripture speaks to us more than once about leaving the past behind and about new life in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Beginning a journey of rebuilding involves, as Isaiah 43:18 says, letting go of the old in order to look toward the future.

Forgiving the other person and oneself

Forgiveness can be an important part of leaving a painful relationship behind, and it is something you do at your own pace. In counseling, we often hear, “How can I forgive so much hurt?” It is a fair question, and no one should be pressured to answer it quickly.

When Peter asked how many times to forgive, Jesus answered, “not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22, NIV; some translations read “seventy times seven”). This does not mean a count of 77 or 490, but a life of forgiveness without keeping score. It can be hard to forgive, even if:

The other person was to blame
It was a great hurt
The other person does not take responsibility
You can’t tell them personally

Forgiving is not the same as reconciling, and it never requires you to stay in contact with someone who continues to hurt you or to put yourself at risk.

In the same way, forgiveness is not only toward the person who hurt us, but also toward ourselves. If we cannot forgive the hurt we caused or the ways we feel we “failed” in our relationship, it will be harder to move forward. In Isaiah 43:25 God reminds you that He offers you forgiveness; you can receive it.

Caring for children and seeking the best for them

Divorce of the parents can be especially hard on children. At the same time, sometimes it is necessary to end the relationship so that they do not grow up in an environment of violence and lovelessness.

There are studies about the effects of separation and divorce on children, as well as on the parents. It is therefore important to attend to these wounds and to care for the bonds despite the divorce, whenever it is safe to do so.

Building quality relationships

Quality relationships in our environment are protective and supportive. Often, after a divorce, people feel that they do not deserve the love or affection of others; however, being connected to people who care is important for personal growth.

Christian Divorce Recovery Counseling can be a companion at every stage and can help in building new, healthy relationships. Surrounding yourself with people who encourage you will matter in the process of restoration and, furthermore, in growing your relationship with God.

Restoring one’s integrity

You may feel singled out, ashamed or judged after a separation. You may want to close yourself off from all possible environments for fear of other people’s opinions. That’s why in counseling we work on:

Self-esteem
Personal integrity
Self–forgiveness

Social attitudes toward divorce can add to the shame some people feel. The sociological article Sociology of Divorce is offered here as further reading on how social context shapes the experience of divorce.

But I want to tell you that He is our only judge. Don’t feel judged or challenged by society, because you have the forgiveness of the Creator. Take hold of that, live your identity in Christ and lift up your head to be restored.

Setting new goals

In Isaiah 43:19, the Bible speaks of God opening new paths. When a relationship ends, the goals and projects associated with it end too. The lack of new projects can bring stagnation, sadness and anguish. Working on personal growth is an important part of recovery.

With Christian Divorce Recovery Counseling, renewing your goals is possible. If you want to reclaim your life and give it a new direction as you work through the pain of a separation, you do not have to do it alone.

What is one small step toward a new beginning that you could take this week, and who could walk beside you?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

Sources

Scripture: NIV (Matthew 18:21-22). Other references are given by chapter and verse only.
Journal of the Spanish Association of Neuropsychiatry (2004), article on psychological disorders after separation or divorce (link above).
Fariña, F., Novo, M. and Seijo, M. D. (2002). Repercusiones del proceso de separación y divorcio (Dialnet, link above).

Does couples counselling work? The pros and cons that will surprise you

Many couples who go to couples counselling report that their relationship improves, although results vary with the couple’s commitment, the problem they are facing and the therapist.

There are many reasons why a couple decides to seek therapy, but most of them have doubts about its effectiveness.

Sometimes, in my consultations as a therapist, patients start their session saying: Dr. Duany, there are many arguments in my home with my partner, I am upset, but the truth is that I don’t know if this counseling will work. To which I respond: “it will work if you commit yourself to the process, whatever the outcome”.

What is couples counselling?

First of all, couples counselling is not a magic act. It is not about the therapist pulling out a magic wand and solving all your marital problems. Much of the success of counselling depends on the couple.

Marriage counselling is a type of therapy in which the counsellor or therapist provides a safe space for the couple to resolve their conflicts, improve their bond or, if necessary, bring their relationship to a respectful end.

As a therapist, I offer tools and support to couples who wish to find solutions so that their relationship can thrive and remain united by respect, love, understanding and listening.

No couple is perfect, nor can they expect their marriage to be. The healthiest thing to do is always to turn to a professional when the situation becomes complicated. That’s why today I want to share with you the pros and cons of counselling. This way you will be able to decide more clearly if you are ready to make the decision to seek help.

Pros of couple counselling

Many people think that going to counselling is only for venting their sorrows or trying to keep the relationship going. This is not entirely true, because counselling can also help if you want to make a break-up as respectful and as free of conflict as possible.

In this respect, some case studies describe the advantages of couple counselling for those who are willing to commit themselves to the process of growth and healing.

Tools for resolving conflict and managing change in the relationship

One common difficulty in marriage counselling is that each partner blames the other for the problems. In addition, each may place the responsibility for improving the relationship on the other.

In this respect, one of the greatest advantages of counselling is the number of tools the therapist provides to resolve conflicts. It also allows both partners to listen to each other, to empathize with each other’s emotions and to express their feelings and vulnerabilities in a respectful atmosphere.

Increased communication

Many couples find couple counselling a helpful way to communicate with their partner. Many also report that after talking freely, with both partners listening to each other, they feel greater marital satisfaction.

Contributes to reaffirming and improving the couple’s commitment to each other

When a couple comes to marriage counselling, they often realize that they are both responsible for the situation they are in. I am not talking about guilt, but about responsibility, which is very different.

By becoming aware of the individual responsibility that each of them has within the relationship, they are able to reaffirm their commitment and achieve a more harmonious coexistence.

Increases empathy and mutual support

After several sessions, I have noticed that couples who attend couples counselling are often more open and empathetic towards each other. Remember that both you and your partner come from different families, each have their fears, insecurities and shortcomings or areas for improvement.

In some cases, family or self-esteem problems of one partner may be the source of the problem. By reviewing this in counselling, the other partner can perceive their partner’s humanity and provide support as needed.

Cons of couple counselling

As much as marriage counselling has its benefits, I must also tell you that it has some aspects that can be categorized as “cons”. Let’s see what these elements are.

It is necessary to attend on an ongoing basis. The couple must be committed to the process. Several sessions are required to achieve the above-mentioned benefits.
The couple attending counselling should do so freely. They should not go to please the other, nor should they go out of obligation.
There may be discharge of intense emotions, such as anger, rage, resentment.
It is not the right first step when there is violence, threats or control. If one partner is afraid of the other, safety comes first, and each person should be able to speak with a professional separately.
Culmination of the sentimental commitment. While it is true that therapy seeks to resolve conflicts and create meeting spaces in the relationship, it is possible that after several sessions the couple may realize that the best thing for both of them is to separate.
The professional may cause confusion in the relationship. If the therapist who is accompanying the process does not have sufficient experience or only understands one version of the problem, it is likely that instead of helping, he or she will confuse the couple even more.

Remember that marriage counselling is not just for couples who have major conflicts or argue on a regular basis. Counselling is for all relationships that want to get to know each other better, reach agreements and find common ground that will make them grow as individuals and as a couple.

If you have doubts about this topic, you are welcome to ask.

What would you hope to learn about yourself and your partner if you decided to begin counselling?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

Codependent or simply dependent: what is the big difference?

Dependent and codependent are two terms we hear frequently these days. But have you ever thought about what emotional dependency and codependency really mean? What differentiates one from the other? What are their most common characteristics and signs?

I think it is very important to talk about this topic, because many people struggle with emotional dependence in their relationships without knowing it.

In my experience as a therapist I have seen many people suffer from some kind of emotional dependency, especially with their partners. Many times I am asked, Dr. Duany, how do I know if it is a simple dependency or if I am falling into codependency? Let’s talk about it below.

What does it mean to be codependent?

Before I explain what it means to be codependent, I want to share something with you. I always tell my patients that it is normal in any relationship to have a minimum degree of dependency. It is even healthy for the couple, because if we function as totally individualistic beings the relationship can also become unhealthy or dysfunctional.

However, it is necessary to set limits so that we do not end up being codependent. This term is often confused with dependency, but I must make it clear that they are not the same thing. One more note: “codependency” is a popular term, not a formally recognized disorder in the DSM, so the traits below are a guide for reflection, not a diagnosis.

Codependency is a form of affective dependency, but it differs from this because here the person takes on the role of “savior” or “helper”. In my experience, the codependent, with this role of giver, generates dependence in their partner. That is to say, they become indispensable for him/her.

How to recognize a codependent person? 7 main characteristics

In my experience, codependency is often associated with a deep disinterest in oneself. Therefore, codependent people are focused on the needs of others.

Codependents often crave gratitude, a sense of always being needed. Common signs of codependency include:

Shame
Low self-esteem
Denial
Dysfunctional communication
Control problems
Intimacy problems
Dysfunctional boundaries

In order for you to better understand how to know if someone is codependent or if you are having codependent traits, I’ll show you the 7 main characteristics of this type of person.

Desperate need to feel loved.
Exaggerated fear of abandonment, rejection or criticism.
Extreme need to control the other.
Difficulty in setting limits.
Obsessive ideas.
Judging themselves severely.
Playing the role of victim, because, although their behavior of “helping others and being their savior” is not sincere, they feel used and not valued for the help given to their partner.

Moreover, in a codependent relationship, the focus will always be on the other person, so the codependent suppresses or ignores his or her interests, needs and goals.

What is a dependent person?

After talking about codependency, I want to explain to you what it means for a person to be dependent and its central characteristics. This way you will be able to realize the clear difference between them.

Often people come to my office as a therapist and tell me phrases like “I cannot live without him” or “I cannot continue my life without her”, “I am going to die if he is not with me”. This type of beliefs or affirmations are typical in people with affective dependence.

In my experience, affective dependence comprises a set of emotions, behaviors and beliefs that are characterized by an intense need for affection (always unsatisfied). At the same time, the dependent person persistently and exaggeratedly demands attention, usually from his or her partner.

Main characteristics of a dependent person

Being dependent is not healthy at all. It can even be dangerous, because the dependent person feels that they need the presence of another person to do their activities and fulfill their dreams and goals in life.

Pay attention to the following characteristics. Do any of these behaviors or traits sound familiar to you?

Poor self-concept and low self-esteem, to the point of complete devaluation.
Tendency to Idealize others, seeking in them security and excessive support.
Intense fear of loneliness. Just the thought of separation causes anxiety. The dependent person even endures mistreatment, humiliation and abuse of any kind in order to avoid being abandoned.
Obsessively seeking contact with the other person.
Irrational jealousy.
Prioritizing the relationship over their most basic needs.

As you can see, the dependent person suffers a lot. Emotional dependence can affect women and men alike, and it can bring a great deal of pain. If it is weighing on you, a professional can help you understand what is going on.

The big difference between codependent and dependent

Now that you know the traits of dependent and codependent people, you have probably been able to establish the differences yourself. It is true that they have many characteristics in common, such as inordinate fear of abandonment, extreme need for affection and low self-esteem.

However, the big difference lies in the fact that the person who is simply dependent seeks in a direct way the affection and acceptance of the other. While the codependent individual presents himself as the “savior” of the dependent person, that is, they become dependent on the other’s need for dependence.

Remember that, if you have any questions about this subject or need help to treat your affective dependence or codependence, you can call this number (407) 559-7093. I will be happy to assist you.

The 3 Most Important Elements in a Lasting Marriage

Today I want to share with you the 3 most important elements in a marriage to be happy and lasting. Many experts in the field of psychology have explained over time that marriage is a difficult bonding process to maintain.

Many couples feel unsure about taking the risk of building strong and healthy bonds, and marriages face real pressures today.

It is true that, as human beings, our emotions and thoughts are very complex. Moreover, there are many external factors that can shake a marriage. So what makes a union last, what is the most important element in a marriage that keeps it from falling apart?

3 Important Elements in a Lasting Marriage

I know you are thinking that one of the most important things in a marriage is love. Let me tell you that it takes much more than that. Of course it is essential for a couple to have love, but it is not everything.

Many times in talking with my patients, with the people I help as a therapist and pastor, I find that there is love in the relationship, but there is no commitment, no willingness to change, no respect, to name a few things.

While it is true that a healthy and lasting marriage seems like an extremely difficult road to travel, it is not unattainable. There are 3 very important things that need to be in place in your relationship for your marriage to be happy.

1. Knowledge

The Cornell Marriage Advice Project, led by gerontologist Karl Pillemer, gathered advice from more than 700 people who had been married for decades. Their advice included learning to communicate, getting to know your partner very well, and treating marriage as a lifelong commitment. Drawing on these themes and on my work as a therapist and pastor, I would like to focus on three elements.

The first is knowledge, both of yourself and of your partner. If you know yourself, your interests, what you value in life and what your goals are, you are likely to want a partner who is supportive and has similar values to yours.

As I have told you before, marriage is a union between two totally different, unique people. However, it is necessary to share a space with common interests and values in order for the marriage to have a solid foundation.

Sometimes in my consultations couples arrive with some difficulty or problem and I ask them: Do you know what your partner likes, what he/she loves, what he/she values? Do you know what he/she likes to do in his/her free time? Do you have an idea of what his/her goals or projects for the future are?

What can I do to get to know the other?

I always recommend reading and applying the Gottman method, developed by the mathematician and psychologist John Gottman. This renowned doctor explains that in a healthy marriage there must be a deep friendship, that is, the couple must know each other intimately. By intimate I mean your personality, your hopes, dreams, weaknesses, likes and dislikes and more.

It is the responsibility of each of you to know each other in depth, to know what you love, what you want in life. The best way to achieve this is by sharing experiences and having authentic communication, but this element is what I will talk about next.

2. Communication

The second most important factor in a marriage is authentic communication. In the Cornell project I mentioned earlier, many of the people interviewed whose marriages had ended blamed communication problems.

I totally agree with that statement. That’s why one thing I repeat whenever I can to the marriages I counsel is that talking to your partner is the best thing you can do for your relationship.

Authentic communication means opening up to the other person, being honest about how you feel, sharing your emotions and aspirations, and even your fears and doubts. But authentic communication also means actively listening to your partner, not just you talking and talking, but real communication between two people who love each other.

3. Commitment

Last but not least, there is commitment. By joining in marriage, you and your partner have made a commitment, not only here on earth, but also in the eyes of God.

There is always the possibility of separation and some cases where divorce is the healthiest decision. However, experiencing your union as something unbreakable, something to protect and defend, and not as an obligation, will make your marriage much stronger and happier.

What about when things aren’t going well? my patients ask me, and my answer is that this is when respect, honesty and teamwork matter most. Commitment never means putting up with abuse, violence or control: in those situations, safety comes first. There will always be difficulties along the way, the challenge will be to find a way to resolve and emerge stronger from that situation.

Knowledge, communication and commitment as a happy formula for marriage

Many marriages end in divorce or separation, and this happens for many different reasons.

How can a couple that has decided to get married give their marriage the best chance to last?

As in any relationship, marriages also go through challenges that must be overcome with the effort and commitment of both parties. There is no magic recipe to make a relationship last forever, but knowledge, communication and commitment, built by both of you, give your marriage a stronger foundation.

Do you want to share some life experience or have questions about the most important things in a marriage? You are welcome to ask.

Which of the three, knowledge, communication or commitment, would you most like to strengthen in your marriage this month?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

Sources

Cornell University, Cornell Marriage Advice Project (Karl Pillemer), summarized on ScienceDaily, June 2015.

Resolving marital problems

Regardless of their severity, resolving marital problems is possible. It will take time, but if there is commitment and determination on both parts, there are strategies to move towards good results. Take note of these tips and don’t hesitate to apply them in your relationship.

1. Improve dialogue

Most conflicts are born out of a failure to communicate. Talking is not the same as having a fluid and healthy dialogue in the relationship. It involves much more than that. To ensure a healthy way of discussing problems in your relationship, keep these points in mind:

Avoid shouting.
Never disrespect or insult.
Speak about the source of the problem with transparency and honesty.
Don’t divert the focus with secondary issues or situations from the past.
While the argument is happening, keep it between the two of you; afterwards, you can seek support from a trusted person or a professional if you need it.

When communicating as a couple, take the time to listen to each other. Often, the “internal radio” can make it difficult to understand things from another perspective.

2. Regain trust in each other

When the source of the conflict involves a breakdown in the values of marriage, it is essential to heal that aspect. In order for there to be room for resolution, there must be a bond of honesty and credibility between the parties.

There are situations where trust seems hopeless, such as infidelity. If you are going through this, don’t despair, you can still rebuild trust and resolve the problems.

3. Provide emotional support

A key to avoiding and resolving conflict is mutual support. Working on emotional companionship with your partner can strengthen or help to restore bonds. Don’t just think about your feelings, in a time of crisis, taking into account other people’s emotions is a great demonstration of love.

An article in the journal of the National Autonomous University of Mexico discusses emotional bonds in marriage.

4. Respect individuality

Although it may seem contradictory, there are times when it is wise to give each other space. This is something I often stress to couples who come to therapy. Knowing your partner will help you to detect when they need time to reflect before telling you how they feel. Trying to speed up the process can deepen the severity of the problem.

5. Renew trust in intimacy

Sexuality in a couple can be a source of conflict in many ways. If there is no fulfilment in intimacy, it can hardly translate into a happy marriage. Find a way to talk to your partner about how you feel and work together to regain this important bond in your married life.

6. Aim for realistic expectations

When it comes to conflict resolution, expectations always come into play. This is because what we expect from the other person can be detrimental to the way we analyze and judge their actions. It is a veil that prevents us from being objective in understanding the problem and its real origin.

When seeking to resolve a crisis in marriage, start by having a clear vision of reality. Your standards may be influenced by your environment and the values you prioritize. Try to be aware of them so that they do not affect your perception.

7. Generate quality time together

It is almost impossible to resolve a conflict if you are not willing to give up personal time to invest in your partner. Finding quality time to share between the two of you will bring many benefits:

Optimal situations for dialogue.
Mutual trust and development of intimacy.
Breaking the routine.
Encouraging companionship.
Getting to know each other individually.
Strengthen desire and renew the passion.

Monotony can lead to the extinction of the couple’s identity. If children are involved, it is important to try to have moments of intimacy to develop the relationship beyond the role of parents.

8. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

When it comes to putting feelings on the table to solve marital problems, it is important to put oneself in the other person’s place. Empathy is the key to understanding without judging and to reach agreements that are beneficial for the couple.

9. Forgive with sincerity

Forgiveness is indispensable for closing stages of crisis. Putting aside personal egos, with a common goal of achieving the well-being of the marriage, forgiveness must be real and sincere. Doing so out of obligation or comfort will not heal the wounds of the conflict and will prevent a lasting resolution over time.

Keep in mind that an unhealed wound will reopen and deepen. Ephesians 4:32 says: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (NIV) Forgiveness is not the same as trusting again right away, and it never means accepting mistreatment or staying in danger.

10. Seek professional help

Often conflicts in a couple can become too much of a stumbling block for the normal development of a marriage. If this is the case, seeking therapy or professional help is not a cause for embarrassment or personal failure – quite the contrary!

Seek help from a professional who understands your needs. Many couples grow and learn from their conflicts.

What is one conversation you have been putting off that you could begin this week, calmly and with respect?

If there is violence in your home

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).

Sources

Liu, H., & Waite, L. (2014). Bad Marriage, Broken Heart? Age and Gender Differences in the Link between Marital Quality and Cardiovascular Risks among Older Adults. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 55(4), 403-423. Link