Common Problems in Marriage: Money – How to Prevent Your Finances from Being a Problem?

by with No Comment Marriage

According to the Institute for the Financial Analysis of Divorce, money management is responsible for 22% of separations1; making it one of the most common problems in marriage and a potential jeopardy to its longevity.

The strain that managing finances causes on both partners in a marriage is remarkable.  Since they are two different people with different financial habits, they will have to become a team. Even Christian marriages can be affected by differences of opinion on how to manage money.

One spouse may be a spender while the other one is a saver. This is typically the case.  Whether it is due to the concept that each one has about money; the education each one of them received at home, or their expectations about the future, these two perspectives must come together; in order to achieve better communication and reduce arguments about money.

Let’s review some ideas about how to reach an understanding about money in marriage.

The Importance of a Financially Equitable Marriage

Living with your spouse and sharing the burdens in your marriage is a relief from daily stress.  Money problems in the family can be tenacious and unpleasant.

In some cases, one spouse may have to leave a well-paying job to stay home to care for the children or another family member. Oftentimes, the working spouse will take over finances and make all the decisions by him/herself. The financial stress generated by unbalanced situations like these can even lead to domestic violence2.

Decision-making within your marriage should be equitable, because a marriage that is financially equal will be a safe space for both men and women. A space where both parties are cautious about where the power resides in the relationship. The source of household income (jobs, inheritances) and spending styles (how much and how it is spent) are topics to discuss before marriage. It is unlikely to find a partner who has the same exact ideas as you do about money.

When you first enter a marriage, you may not be fully aware of your spouse’s preferences just yet, including their spending habits.

If you feel that your spouse has a different stance regarding finances, do not avoid addressing it. The first step in creating a successful financial plan between spouses is for both to begin to see each other as a partnership.

Ways to prevent money from ruining your relationship

Some of most common topics in marriage counseling are parenting and sexuality. But no one seems to want to talk about a topic that is of great importance, money. Dealing with this issue turns out to be an uncomfortable topic for many couples.

I have recognized such a big aversion toward this topic that the patterns of dysfunction around finances can become like those of sexual intimacy. Pleasure and pain can be defined through money.  A study published in the scientific journal PLOS One 3 states that the perception of injustice in the distribution of finances has a worse effect on marital balance than the perception of injustice in the distribution of household chores.

Both parties must be able to know how much the other partner earns. Financial habits are more linked to personality than to role responsibility4. Then, how do you prevent money from being a problem in your relationship?

Understand your partner’s mindset about money

Before you get married you need to understand your partner’s mindset about money. As uncomfortable as the subject may be, you should talk about pending debts, loans, sources of income, investments, and other financial obligations you have. If you are already married, and you and your partner are hiding information of this nature, bring it to light.

Having nothing to hide, it will be simpler to see the full picture of your financial situation and the perception your partner has about money. But this will not stop certain problems from happening. Why? Would you be surprised if I told you that many arguments between husbands and wives that seem to be over money, are not really about that?

It is rather a clash of tempers. You may be upset that your spouse spends too much money, but what infuriates you is not that you cannot afford those expenses, it is that you are afraid you will not be able to pay your bills in the future. In this case I would ask: “Were your parents frugal or compulsive spenders? Did they have a limited budget?” Answer those questions to learn more about yourself and your partner.

You need to have the same financial expectations and priorities

You cannot expect that both partners’ incomes and jobs will be the same as they were when you first got married. Life goes on and circumstances change.

You need to sit down, even once a year, to discuss what your expectations and financial priorities are: talk about what responsibilities or measures you can take to be on the same page so that both of you can feel comfortable with handling money.

If you want to work together so you can pay off a debt or save more, or to start thinking about your retirement, you need to have the same goals5.

Give yourselves a mutual break

Although marital finances is a topic that should be constantly pursued, I understand that talking to your spouse about each of the purchases you make can feel restrictive. Especially, when you will have to “defend” a purchase that your partner finds unnecessary or does not approve. It is the perfect recipe for disaster.

A simple solution is to have separate budgets to spend on discretionary items of your choice. Take it as “money to have fun”; an amount that will be agreed considering the possibilities of both of you and that each one may spend at your own discretion as long as you respect the budget established for this section. This will bring great success to your relationship.

Increase your knowledge about money

Finally, it will be useful if both of you learn more about how to manage your finances. You can take a course, read books about investing, or watch videos.  Bob Lotich’s Managing Money God’s Way is, for example, a good read to guide our Christian finances6.

God gives us money, and it is our duty to be the best stewards we can be so that we can take care of our homes.

Do you need to know more about the subject? I invite you to contact us at 407 618 0212.

Common problems in marriage: Communication – Learn the skills to Better Communicate with your Spouse

by with No Comment Marriage

Marriages that can resolve misunderstandings quickly and are not afraid to talk about any issues will enjoy much better communication. When having good communication, the hearts of the couple are strengthened, and respect and understanding will abide.

It is the intention of our Lord that our marriages be full of trust and good values. If we have trust in marriage, there will be love and a strong connection; one in which the commitment between husband and wife cannot be broken.

Still, healthy communication in marriage has its own challenges, which must be overcome.

It is my goal that you understand that anyone can improve the quality of communication with their spouse.

How do I improve the quality of my communication with my partner?

Nurturing good communication is a task that needs commitment and effort. It especially requires many small actions and words, but it is a challenge that will be worth taking in the long run.

I want to give you some recommendations for this purpose:

Stay focused on the present

It is tempting to bring up conflicts from the past that are related to what is happening in the present. It might feel like it is necessary to express those thoughts, but it is not the most appropriate thing to do. Doing so will only cloud the situation and block you from finding a solution.

Therefore, when you find yourself having an argument, do not resort to issues of the past that created wounds. You must focus on the present1, what you feel now. Try to understand the situation and find a viable solution. The present is all that matters2.

Listen to each other attentively

Usually there are those who believe that they are listening to their partners whenever they are having arguments, but they do not really listen, because they are focusing on having a clever rebuttal for their counterpart. That is not listening.

For communication to be efficient, both partners must be active listeners. Therefore, as hard as it may seem, you need to really listen to what your spouse is telling you. You should not interrupt what he/she has to say.

Put yourselves in the other person’s shoes

A marriage needs to have mutual understanding. It’s good to be empathetic and to put yourself in the other person’s shoes3 to understand why he/she acts a certain way.

You should consider the other person’s perspective. When both parties feel that the other is listening attentively, you will feel and communicate better.

Take accountability for your actions

Taking accountability for one’s actions is a sign of personal strength. Effective communication requires acknowledging and accepting when one is wrong.

When both partners share the blame in a situation it softens the other person’s attitude. Then you may reach a solution that meets both party’s needs.

If you have a hard time resolving conflicts with respect, you can resort to couple’s therapy. These are designed to improve communication with your spouse.  It may also help in resolving any other conflicts that you consider to be affecting your relationship.

The Value of a Christian Marriage is good Communication:

As Christians, our marriages must have empathy, and respect for our partner. We must be able to communicate with honest emotions, kindness, and, above all, respecting our faith4.

The Bible is full of marriage advice that can be applied in your own marriage, with the sole intention of improving and strengthening it. The Holy Scriptures are an excellent source of support for improving communication and its quality. Here are some biblical principles we can apply to have good communication.

Treat others the way you would like to be treated

One of the most powerful principles within every marriage is portrayed in the words of Matthew 7:12, where we read, “Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do the same for them…”

What is your response when someone yells at you or scolds you endlessly? Some may answer that they respond in  the same way.  But expressing anger or wanting to hurt the other person are not sensible ways to act.

Treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. So, if you want your partner to listen to you while you talk or want him/her to help you with household chores, you need to do the same for him/her.

Prioritize prayer within your marriage

Keeping prayer at the heart of marriage is also one of the teachings we can find in the Bible. In 1 Thessalonians 5:17 we are told to “pray continually”.  Faith is an axis in Christian families and a necessary component in marriages.

When a couple prays, they bring their problems before God, who will give them the wisdom they need in order to figure out the right answers. He knows your feelings, sorrows, and your heart.

Practice forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, as God forgave you in Christ”.

A couple will not be able to communicate well if both parties are angry or resentful. Keeping anger within both of you is counterproductive. You should forgive your spouse more often. If you feel like hurting him/her or like venting your resentment, stop. It is best to talk to your partner with honesty and solve problems as soon as they arise.

Need more recommendations on Christian marriage? We can talk about it through 407 618 0212.

Common Problems in Marriage: Intimacy – How to Keep the Spark Alive?

by with No Comment Marriage

Do you want to know how you can have more intimacy to keep the spark alive in your marriage? Long-term relationships, such as marriage, generate very close bonds that require attention and effort all the time.  With this, I do not mean that they take a lot of work, but they definitely do not work automatically.

It is necessary for the parties involved to devote some time to intimacy to relive that feeling they had in the beginning.

Avoiding the problem while you are scrolling through your social networks or pretending to sleep, will not fix this situation. In fact, you will only make it worse.  It is extremely important that you know that with proper communication, effort and understanding, you can redirect your relationship to the right path.

Do not miss this article with all the information you need to know about how to keep the spark alive in your marriage. You will also find more interesting facts here. Let’s take a look!

Is it possible to keep the spark alive after years of marriage?

The reality is that keeping the spark alive is an ongoing task because it is necessary, so we don’t fall back into that feeling of monotony and lack of intimacy. However, it is entirely possible to keep it alive if you are aware that there is a problem, and you want to improve the situation for the sake of the relationship.

On the other hand, without a doubt, sex is something that can help keep the intimacy in a couple. It is well known that intimacy has different stages of evolution over the years.

After being married for 4 years, the surprises of being with the spouse decreases and the arrival of children can also be a factor that reduces intimacy. With daily activities and chores, childcare, work and more, there is practically no room left for intimacy between spouses. And, this can be harmful in the long run, and can even cause separations.

Keeping the spark alive and intimacy are necessary tasks for both spouses, which are not impossible to achieve. Without a doubt, they certainly require effort, but results are very satisfying for both parties involved.

What obstacles may get in the way?

It is also important to consider other factors. For example, work, family problems, or financial concerns can also drain your energy significantly. This can drive a wedge between partners.

Another difficulty that often arises is that feeling of inequality that appears in some marriages. That feeling of imbalance of power between partners. To solve this problem properly, it is essential to communicate and understand each other through empathy. Another positive approach is to share how your day went with each other. This will help the other person have a better understanding of how you’re feeling.

It should also be a common goal for both partners to become each other’s confidant. Confiding in your spouse can help you feel safe and loved and will improve your desire to do things together.

How can I improve intimacy with my partner and keep the spark alive?

As we have already mentioned in this article, skills such as communication, understanding, attention and empathy are fundamental tools. Next, I will mention some tips to keep the spark alive in your marriage and solve the difficulties you may have. Let’s take a look!

Express your desires

To express what truly motivates you and leads you to have intimacy, you need to identify it first. Know yourself, explore and discover new things that motivate you to have intimacy and then share them with your partner.

Focus on intimacy

While you have already acknowledged that there is an intimacy-related problem, the solution lies in the desire and effort to leave that problem behind. Pay attention and take the initiative at times to kindle the spark in your marriage.

Date your spouse

Having a free night every now and then can be very helpful in these cases. You can take advantage of that time with your partner by going out to have dinner together or by going to places that you both enjoy, thus, keeping the spark alive in the best possible way.

Look your best

It is true that, as the relationship grows, the sensual side of it is affected. But, you should know that this is not an obstacle that prevents you from surprising your partner again, if you want to do so. Looking good and feeling good about ourselves is something we all notice.

Redefine Intimacy

If you think that when talking about sexuality in a marriage, the only option is intercourse, then you should know that you have many new worlds to discover. Hugs, massages, caresses, redefining what can be done in this type of situation will open new paths.

As you can see, there is a number of things you can do to keep the spark alive in your marriage. You just have to take your first steps and start paying attention to the details so that everything falls back into place.

Feeling truly alive in a marriage is vital for its success. So, without a doubt, it is worth dedicating time for intimacy.

Spark and intimacy

Now you know more ways and tools to keep the spark alive and improve intimacy in your relationship. Remember that communication and understanding between both parties will be vital to reach an agreement and solve any hiccups.

If you have more questions or if you want to learn more information on this regard, you can contact us through the following number 407 618 0212.