How to recover from an emotional crisis

It is not easy to go through an emotional crisis. Understanding, love, and God, is a good summary of the elements that will heal the hearts and minds of traumatized people. But they will need cooperation and support.

If you have lived through a tragic event, you should know that the strength to get up is in you. And if you have seen someone you love to suffer because of it, the strength to guide them is also in you. So, I want to guide you to healing and also teach you how to guide.

How to recover from an emotional crisis

Recovery from an emotional crisis is possible, but you will need to focus on it to find the answers you need. Here are some tips to help you heal:

Minimize exposure to memories

If you are a survivor of a natural disaster or an accident, the media may report on that case. Likewise, social media has become a space to distribute this kind of information, so try to stay away from it all, so you don’t relive those memories.

Exposure to these kinds of memories needs to be limited because it is not healthy to reminisce over and over again about a tragedy. It does not let you move forward.

Accept your feelings

You’re very like experiencing emotions that you thought you would never experience due to traumatic stress. So, try to accept all those feelings, and understand that they are normal. It is normal to feel anger, guilt, or shock.

No one has the right to judge you for the feelings you have. On the contrary, it is healthy to surround yourself with people who want to offer you unconditional support. Keep in mind that God will always be by your side, and you can talk to him for encouragement.

Start challenging your powerlessness:

To overcome, you will have to face it, so start taking positive actions that will allow you to overcome all that fear, powerlessness, and hopelessness you may feel. It may sound simple, but believe me when I tell you it will make a difference.

Some people help people who have gone through similar situations as a way to heal and gain peace of mind. Others volunteer for those in need during traumatic events. Opening that door may be scary, but once you open it, you will realize how much good it can do you.

Exercise

Exercise. It’s not a joke, it’s advice! When suffering from the kind of stress generated by these events, one way to escape is to start exercising. Being in constant motion will help burn adrenaline and release endorphins.

Your mood will improve greatly, and so will your body. Your nervous system needs to be stimulated and by doing activities like walking, running, swimming, or playing a sport, you will be doing just that. For more complete results, focus on the physical activity you do, every step, every kick, and feel more in touch with your body than ever before.

Reach out to others

A man came into the world to live in a community, that was God’s intention. That is why, in difficult times, distancing ourselves from those who care for us is not advisable. Rather, you should do the opposite and unite with those who care for us.

A traumatic event can work to bring us closer to those from whom we have distanced ourselves for one reason or another. Just the simple act of talking face to face with someone else can trigger stress-relieving hormones.

If you are afraid to talk to those people about the event, you don’t have to talk about it specifically. You can seek solace in talks that help you feel connected, or chats that are “normal.”

Six essential tools to overcome the crisis

To conclude, I would like to give you 6 very useful tools  to overcome a crisis:

#1 TIPP

Use the TIPP tool when you are close to an emotional breakdown. The name is an acronym for Temperature, Intense exercise, paced breathing, and Paired muscle relaxation.

Start by changing your body temperature by splashing water on your face. After exercising a lot, it is difficult to get upset when you are exhausted. Next is to control your breathing to decrease the emotional pain, and then relax your muscles, and let them rest.

#2 ACCEPTS

Similar to the previous tool, this is used to tolerate negative emotions until you have to face them.

You can use it by doing a healthy activity that keeps you away from negative emotions. Also doing something kind for someone else just for the joy it causes is part of this, which can help put your life in perspective.

If you feel distressed, you can invoke an opposite emotion to it. Other activities that follow in this tool include walking away from problems and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

#3 IMPROVE

This tool is perfect when you have no control over something but have to tolerate it. It uses imagination and meaning. In the first part, you must imagine yourself successfully dealing with the problem, and in the second one, you must find the meaning in the situations that hurt you.

Next is prayer. That’s right, prayer will serve to surrender your problems and allow you to tolerate the situation. You need to relax and let go of the past and the future. You should also encourage yourself with affirmative and positive phrases.

#4 LIST OF PROS AND CONS

If you want to make sensible decisions in difficult times, this tool will be useful. You just need to make a list of the positive and negative points of all the options you have.

When you finish, compare the options available to you. With this type of list, you will be able to control impulses.

#5 SELF-SOOTHE

The tool helps diminish the power of negative emotions. It advises you to focus on your senses to clear yourself of negative feelings.

Use your sight to focus on something, the colors on a wall, the pictures on an album. Use your ears to listen to birdsong or the flow of water.

The same will happen with your senses of taste, touch, and smell. Look for elements that are pleasant to you and put you in a good mood. Enjoy them. As a bonus, movement is included as a sixth sense. Move your body by dancing or walking.

#6 RADICAL ACCEPTANCE:

And if you will have to live an unpleasant situation that will not change, this tool is recommended. It serves to accept reality and move on.

In short, it will serve to get you to understand that even though the available options do not please you, you will have to choose one and adapt. Having distress over doing this is common and discouraging, but it will serve to control compulsive behavior.

How to deal with emotional crises in few steps

Emotional crises by situations that put pressure on us will have an impact on our whole self. That is why I don’t recommend that you let it go unnoticed when you feel you can’t get through something easily. You have to keep in mind that the more serious the event, the greater the effect on you.

Emotional reactions during emotional crises

Emotional crises will awaken many reactions that are impossible to ignore. These reactions usually include physical, cognitive, and interpersonal aspects.

A breakup is not the same as the death of your partner, a vehicle accident in which there were only material losses is not the same as one in which there were serious injuries.

Emotional

Emotions will be the protagonists in crises. It is also in these moments when we will sincerely understand how powerful they are and how they define us. When you go through a crisis, you will experience emotional reactions. They ca be shock and an overwhelming feeling where you may not believe what just happened to you.

Reactions can also include emotions such as anger or irritability for having witnessed the event. The pain will be inevitable, as is the guilt for not having been able to do more. The emotions will be there throughout the recovery process, and when it comes to very serious events, these emotions will return on the anniversaries of the events.

Cognitive

With the cognitive aspect, you experience feelings such as confusion, indecision, lack of memory, and trouble concentrating. Also, memory plays a very important role in the development of these events because you will have memories accompanied by an increased heart rate or excessive sweating.

Depending on the type of event that triggered this emotional crisis, these can be a milder or more intense.

Physical

Our emotions are connected to our body. This is something I always emphasize to my patients. Everything is connected, and that is why we have physical reactions during emotional crises.

Physical reactions can include tension, headaches, or fatigue/tiredness. Body aches and pains are not uncommon, nor are considerable changes in both sleep and eating habits.

Interpersonal

Regarding interpersonal reactions, there could be reactions like distrust, withdrawal, conflict, sensitivity, or feeling rejected. Depending on the age of the person, he/she could develop problems at school or at work.

What to do after a crisis

Recovering your emotional balance and rebuilding your life after a traumatic event does not happen quickly. But it is true that taking certain attitudes will be of great help when dealing with the issue.

Basic tips

Here are some basic tips on how to act after a crisis that may help you:

  • There is no right or wrong way to feel. No one can tell you how to feel about a traumatic event. Humans do not all react to trauma the same way.
  • Feelings cannot be ignored. The more you try to hide your feelings, the longer the recovery process will take. Just because you feel it is better to wait to deal with your emotions doesn’t mean that this is the right thing to do. I can assure you that those feelings may become more intense if they are not dealt with in time.
  • Don’t obsessively relive the event. Your nervous system will feel overwhelmed if you continuously evoke the traumatic event. You will not be able to think clearly when you have it replaying over and over again. You will say that you are not able to control it, so a suggestion I give you is to keep yourself distracted by reading or cooking. Whatever activity you find rewarding.
  • Get back into your routine. Routines are comfortable and comforting. So getting back into them will help you feel a little better. Events like these may be so big that they force you to change your schedule at school or work. But you can still find a routine to apply to meals or bedtime.
  • You do not have to make important decisions at this stage: Do not put pressure on yourself by making important decisions at work, at home, or in your family. Making these types of decisions while traumatized will only cause more stress. Wait until you can think clearly enough to make the right decisions.

How to help children cope with emotional crises

Children are fragile and need our protection, and you should know that some children react immediately in a crisis, while others take much longer. Also, the signs of emotional distress are closely related to the child’s age. The same goes for the child’s previous experiences and how he or she deals with stress.

One way to know how your child will act in such a situation is how you act. That’s right, children try to imitate adults at times like these, so showing them security and calmness will give them better support.

As a parent or older figure, you need to convey reassurance and confidence. One recommendation I consistently make is to talk to children about what is happening. Understand that the age of the child will influence the amount of information you give them and how you give it to them. Simpler is better.

Later, as the event passes, it will be time to address all of their behaviors and help them cope with the consequences of what they have experienced. If the child asks questions, you have to answer them. I think it is a good idea to encourage them to talk about their fears and any doubts they may have.

 

Everything you need to know about emotional crisis

We all have a different way of facing difficult situations in life. However, here is when an emotional crisis can appear. But if I have learned anything in my years of practice, it is that emotions can mark your path for better or worse. They are an essential part of our life, but understanding them is not an easy task.

Dealing with the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job or even a relationship, is not easy. This is why these situations are the ones that commonly lead to an emotional crisis.

Despite the fact that Even though God guides us every day, that He is our protection and strength, I know that it is also difficult to face life after such events. Pain frustrates us, weakens us, and prevents us from seeing the help that our Lord offers us. It is not your fault that you are blinded. You simply do not have the necessary resources to successfully face these transitions.

That is why I want to show you how you can overcome adversity, and not allow emotional crises to bring you down.

Emotional crisis: what are they, types, and stages

I would like you to keep in mind that to overcome adversity, you need to identify what adversity looks like and what causes it. Therefore, consider the following points:

What is a crisis?

A crisis is a transitory state that will affect your emotional and behavioral perception, impairing your ability to make decisions. In other words, it is a difficult situation that you will have to go through, and it will disturb your emotions. It may be that the event effects only you or on a larger scale, affecting an entire family, community, or even country.

Tragedies come with many faces. It could be the sudden death of someone you care about, or, it could be a car accident, or a hurricane. As I said, each person will respond differently, and it is that response that will outline the recovery process.

The curious thing about emotional crises is that while they are a danger for some people, for others, they are an opportunity. For example, an opportunity is when amid pain, the family unites to overcome it and becomes greater than it is. It also becomes an opportunity when solutions are sought together.

However, unfortunately, some see crises as a danger because:

  • they are paralyzed by fear,
  • their self-confidence is drained,
  • and they wait for others to solve the problem for them.

I have seen thousands of reactions to crises in my therapy sessions. I have seen thousands of reactions to crises in my therapy sessions. There are those who that even use them to reflect on life. There are also those who give up, those who look for a new purpose, those who get sick, those who take years to heal, and even those who heal quickly.

Certainly, there is no standard recovery time for crises, but if you are stuck in one, it is time to seek professional help.

Types of Emotional Crisis

Most people have gone through or will go through an emotional crisis in their lives, as within it, creation is sincere. Great challenges will be imposed on us in one way or another. So, these events will appear unexpectedly many times, confusing.

However, keep in mind that emotional crises cannot be categorized into types, but we can categorize the transitions that cause them. They can be ordered in two forms: the crises from external conditions, and the crises from internal conditions.

By external conditions, we mean crises caused by an event that is unrelated to you, for example, natural catastrophes, terrorist acts, accidents, illnesses, deceased or missing relatives. Similarly, layoffs, discrimination, and harassment are part of that list.

On the other hand, internal conditions are crises that do not depend on facts as such but subjective feelings. They have the meaning that you give them.

Such are the cases of existential crises, vocational crises, identity crises, or couple crises. There are hundreds of other forms, such as developmental crises (childhood, adolescence, old age), and spiritual crises.

The 4 stages of a crisis:

In a crisis, you will generally have to deal with four stages. These stages are the following:

  • Paralysis. The first stage of an emotional crisis usually begins with a sense of bewilderment and a feeling of not being able to reason or act. What happens in the instant is processed.
  • Uncertainty. Events that trigger emotional crises are not everyday occurrences. That is why the most common reaction is having a deep feeling of uncertainty invade you. No matter how many ideas come into your head, you will be pondering them all.
  • Intrusion. Intrusion is where you will finally accept the painful feelings, and live through and remember the tragic images. Having frequent thoughts of that event will be normal at this stage. It is a time that takes longer for certain people.
  • Elaboration and solution. In these moments, the pain is expressed in true thoughts. Although some can do it naturally, there will be those who need psychological support. In the stage of overcoming the pain, one begins to unburden oneself and reach a conclusion about what has been experienced.

The grieving process in a crisis

Curiously, understanding the origin of the word “duel” will help to better understand what it consists of. This word comes from the Latin “dolus,” meaning pain or combat between two. Researchers define grieving as a process of adaptation to reestablish family equilibrium.

On the other hand, according to Kaplan’s Treatise on Psychiatry, a normal mourning process usually consists of three stages. They are not completely linear, as it is possible to regress to one of these.

The first of these is the phase of shock and denial. In this phase, denial and bewilderment will be the predominant feelings exhibited. The second phase is that of acute distress and isolation, consisting of a mixture of suffering, anger, and difficulty resting.

Finally, there is the phase of reorganization. Here, the loss finally assimilates in all its meaning, however much it may have cost. This phase is the one that will mark the beginning of restarting life, going back to the previous roles, and starting from scratch.

 

Forgiveness in a couple: exercises and tips

Forgiveness in a couple is a thorny issue to deal with, especially in relation to timing. Keep in mind that, for example, forgiveness will not happen magically, but only when the negative patterns cease, along with grudges and resentment. It is a long process and one in which both parties need to compromise.

I would also like to remind you that there is a way out of negativity and bitterness. That mistakes or failures can be forgiven and you can continue with a strong relationship in the face of adversity. How? Here are some valuable exercises and advice.

 Exercises for forgiveness in a couple

If your spouse has made a mistake, or several, getting to the point of forgiveness will be a team effort. The process of forgiveness in couples is not simple, but it is possible, so I will give you these exercises:

Exercise #1: Talk sessions

Couples need to agree to communicate and to commit to the forgiveness process. To do this, I recommend that they choose a time and place where they feel comfortable. They need to turn off their cell phones or any electronic equipment that may distract them. Distractions also include children and pets. They need to be taken care of before this moment. The couple needs privacy.

When you open these talk sessions, I suggest that you keep in mind that venting all your frustrations at once is counterproductive. Divide the talks into different sessions with a common theme.

You both have to agree on that topic, and each one should express himself/herself in the way he/she wants. There are no time limits for this kind of meeting, and you should maintain eye contact.

Exercise #2: Listen, do not interrupt

When a couple talks, it is necessary to not interrupt the person who has the right to speak at that moment. Maybe the couple’s problem is that one partner always assumes they are right, so it is essential to let him or her defend his or her points of view.

You have to listen to your husband or wife with an open mind and adopt an attitude of support and  companionship, where they are there to listen to each other’s feelings.

However, if those feelings get the best of you, you need to stay calm and keep your thoughts calm. One of the most important pieces of advice I have for you is to look at everything objectively.

Exercise #3: Practice clarity

One factor that many couples lack is the ability to speak up. They do not practice clear enough communication, so when something is uncomfortable or you don’t feel you are getting what is fair, you need to talk about it, no matter how obvious it may sound or seem.

Men and women are children of God, but at the same time, our minds work very differently. As a man, you must understand this. As a woman, you must also understand this.

Sincerity cannot be lacking in a successful marriage.

Exercise #4: Forgiving small mistakes

Forgiveness in couples should be practiced daily because even if you don’t notice it at the moment, you may have done something small that hurt your partner. Today it seems insignificant, but when the negative actions accumulate, it could seriously deteriorate this bond.

Every time you feel that your partner committed an offense, point it out to him or her. The same applies to you. When we commit offenses, we should express our regret out loud. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand how important this situation was to you. Please forgive me,” can work wonders.

It depends on the seriousness of the offense, of course, and forgiveness may not be given instantly, but it is a demonstration of goodwill. Be patient if your partner is not yet ready to forgive you.

Exercise #5: Forgive when ready

There is no point in rushing forgiveness in couples if it is not sincere. It will backfire, so when you are ready to forgive, do it. State your intentions out loud, and with your heart in your hand. The word has power, so use it.

Once you feel able to grant forgiveness, it’s time to move on. Analyze where you both failed as a couple, and change the offending behaviors. Gratitude and affection should remain more present than ever.

How to maintain forgiveness in a couple

When you have been able to grant forgiveness in a couple, the work is not over. This is because forgiveness is not the end of the process. You need to keep forgiving and demonstrate that forgiveness was a step towards a better relationship.

It is an arduous task, and there may be relapses, but you will find gains in the small details. Here are some tips:

Your dates are sacred

Despite work, children, and other responsibilities, married couples need time for themselves.

I advise having at least one weekend date, just for yourselves, where you can talk and connect more deeply about your life as a married couple. Both wife and husband need to feel important in a marriage.

If work separates the two of you, use calls as a method of communication.

Many couples come to my office drained after long work days. Those that do not share enough in the day. In that case, a call during a break does not take much time, but it will make a big change.

Talk more in bed

Going to bed early as a couple might be more beneficial than you think. If you do this, you will most likely have plenty of time to spare before you can fall asleep. In those minutes, the sweetest and most intimate chats take place.

Final words about forgiveness in a couple

Forgiveness in a couple is constant work and a daily learning process. But I sincerely believe that the first step for good results is to entrust ourselves with God. With His guidance and blessing, we will be on the right path.

If you want to learn more about how forgiveness influences our lives, I invite you to read my other articles as well. Do you have doubts or questions? Let me know them, too.

What can you do to correct your children’s bad behavior?

From the day we are born, we have many needs. In order for us to become emotionally and psychologically healthy adults, these needs must be met. From a very early age, we need to feel that our parents love us, that they are giving us a secure attachment to them, that they pay attention to us, and that we are important in their lives. But, sometimes, children are not given the attention necessary for healthy emotional and physical growth and this has both short- and long-term consequences.

When our children feel the need to get our attention because they feel it is lacking, they go through four stages: trying to gain attention, power, revenge, and finally, showing inadequacy. Although stages three and four are worrying, the positive part is that most children are in stages one and two, so disciplining them can correct bad behaviors.

However, first consider what discipline is. Real discipline focuses on the bad behavior itself, not the children. The focus should be on presenting consequences for those behaviors.

Regarding this matter, Dr. Kevin Leman’s book “Why Your Kids Misbehave — and What to Do about It” talks about seven principles of real discipline that may be helpful.

These seven principles are:

Realize that your goal is to have healthy authority over your children

The authority you have over your children must be healthy, patient, and educational. I am not talking about selfish, vengeful, and controlling behavior. Our children are our mirrors, so good examples lead to good human beings. Try to let God guide you in times when your own negative feelings dominate you.

Hold your children accountable for their actions

Show your children that they are responsible for their actions and show them that you have respect for them. Never do something for your child that he/she can do for himself/herself. That homework he/she does not want to do is HIS/HER responsibility, not YOURS. That punishment or time out he/she earned in school for disrespecting a teacher is HIS/HER responsibility, not YOURS.

Be attentive to the teaching moments

Spontaneous teaching moments are always there and will change depending on the child’s age. If, for example, your child does not come down to eat when you ask him/her to do so, and he/she tries to do it one hour later, mention to him/her that lunchtime is over, and that he/she needs to wait a little longer until snack time.

Let reality be the teacher

Reality is the crudest teacher of all. It is the one that teaches with small punches, that sometimes, we, as parents, do not want our children to receive as we fear they will get hurt. That is a big mistake. They must be able to understand what the consequences of their failures are. That includes “small things” like not tidying up their room, or not washing the dishes after eating.

Use actions, not just words, and stick to them:

Children copy what you do, so you have to start being an example for them. Actions speak louder than words, and maintaining action will lead your child to positive behavior.

Choose your battles carefully

All children are different, some of them will be more prone to certain affinities, while others are attracted to other things. So, as a parent, do not focus your attention on dealing with small things, focus on those bigger changes. What is more important, the color of the shoes that your child wants to wear or what will he/she spends his/her free time on?

Remember that relationships come before rules

We live in a world full of rules, but before those is the relationship you have with your child. Your children are your priority in life, and their well-being is all that matters when disciplining them.

One last thought

Take time to forgive because before you realize it, your child will turn 18, and you will not be able to reach him/her the same way you could when he/she was a child.

Therefore, my final advice is that you value these precious moments, that you always seek God’s guidance, get closer to your children, respect them, and make their decision-making power to count. But do it by preserving and imposing healthy limits that prepare him/her to live his/her life on his/her own in the not-too-distant future.

By following these recommendations, we will be shaping emotionally and psychologically balanced children. With them, we can have an emotional bond, full of love and understanding. Children need real discipline that builds a good foundation for their growth process. They also need guides and helps them follow the path to being balanced and happy adults.

These adults will form healthy and loving bonds with their own children, since this is what they learned in their own homes. God wants us to build happy and loving homes.

Is it possible to apply these seven principles? Do you think applying them will be difficult? Do you think that putting them into practice could improve your children’s behavior and your relationship with them? Share your opinions with us in the comments section of this post so the way we can enrich our experiences as parents. God bless you.

Why does my child misbehave when he/she wants my attention?

Previously, we talked about the importance of love and attachment in parenting. The enormous influence that these aspects have on the child will help them when they become adults with interpersonal relationships and even their perception of reality. There are many studies that support and prove the importance of both love and attachment.

Going deeper on this point, Bowen’s attachment theory on emotional connection shows us that the family functions as an organism, where everything that happens to one member will affect the others. When parents are not present enough or do not give them enough attention, the children will go into despair and develop an insecure attachment style.

But I do love my children unconditionally!

Parental love is inexhaustible, that is how God wanted it and that is how it is. However, love does not imply or guarantee that you will be a good mother or father. I see this all the time In my talks with my patients, fathers and mothers who would give their lives for their children, but still have children who lack attention and who have an insecure attachment style.

Why is this happening to you? You may need to dig into your own past to understand the reason for your unconscious behaviors. The emotional dynamics that you experienced with your parents will be the same one that you will replicate with your children. If your parents always gave you attention, love, and care, it is most likely that in a natural and unconscious way, that is what you are giving to your children.
On the contrary, if you were a boy or a girl who did not experience that, then, how can you give something that you do not know? In that case, you will be clueless about how to provide a stable emotional connection. If you do not get help regarding this matter, chances are that you will repeat the story.

Exploring your memories

Our past influences our present, especially unresolved issues. Regarding this matter, I recommend the book “Parenting From the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzwell. Through this book, you will be able to understand how your own childhood has made you who you are today.

Since most of our responses are related to our memory, our brains are able to respond to experiences by altering the connections between neurons, as well as the brain structure that creates memories, which shapes our identity. In fact, memory is how the brain responds to experiences and creates new brain connections. These brain connections will be either implicit or explicit.

Implicit memory generates responses to behaviors, emotions, and perceptions. These are non-verbal memories that will be there throughout our entire life. This also involves non-verbal models. For example, if a baby is comforted by his mother when he is distressed, he, while growing up, will associate comfort with his mother. This is why the mother is considered a figure of well-being and security. When experiences occur repeatedly, they will be embedded in our lives. The most amazing thing about implicit memory is that the person does not feel that he/she is remembering something when using it. He/she will not even be aware of it.

So, when you experience a certain behavior towards your children that you cannot explain, you need to explore your memories and make connections. Emotions, beliefs, perceptions, all of these may be getting in your way without you even realizing it.

Authoritarian parents vs. permissive parents

Do you feel the need to be overly demanding with your children with regards to their studies or hobbies? If so, what were your parents’ demands like when you were a child?
Another situation, do you think that physical punishment is the right way to correct your children’s misbehavior? How did your parents reprimand you?
We are capable of breaking the cycle of this type of behavior. But first we need to find a balance between giving and not giving. There are two opposite types of parenting that are not appropriate, controlling parents and permissive parents.
Women tend to be more permissive, giving excessively, while men tend to be more controlling, they do not give excessively. Both authoritarian and permissive parents are more alike than you might think. These parents choose for their children when they should be teaching their children how to choose according to their age.

The 4 strategies our children use to get attention

Children are able to analyze and develop games in relation to the way you respond to their actions. After all, you are their biggest role model, so children will be making notes in their heads on how to get what they want, whenever they want.

They also know how to use the perks or advantages and how to push buttons whenever is needed. That is why, as a parent, you cannot lose the advantage you have and you need to get the most out of it. Children react according to the social environment they grow up in. Regardless of the type of environment, they will adapt to it.

Turning to the teachings of Alfred Adler, his student, Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, organized the four goals children have when they manifest bad behaviors. For each objective, a series of misbehavior are shown. Also, all of these goals are sequential, that is, if one is not addressed, the next one will follow.

Attention

Every child wants his/her parents’ attention. But the problem with this kind of attention is that it needs to be gained, no matter how. Their mantra is: “I only count when others notice me and serve me.”
How do you detect children who just desperately want your attention? Simple. Those are the children who do not let their mother talk on the phone and demand her time, or the girls clinging to their parents’ legs, not letting them focus on something else.

They are also the children who are constantly in trouble at school for mischief, over and over again. They know it, but for them, continuing with this type of behavior is inevitable. Furthermore, they may stop for a few moments, but then they will come back even with more strength. If you are a permissive parent, you will most likely ask for more time, so you can finish your phone call. If you are authoritarian, you will scold him/her due to his/her misbehavior.

Power

If your child cannot get your attention, he/she will try to do it through power. His motto this time will be: “I only count when I dominate and control, when others do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it.”
How do these little ones act when seeking power? They are the children who throw tantrums, refusing to obey their parents. They are the children who yell offensive words at their parents, or tell them that they are not their “bosses.”

The thing with these children is that repressing them will only stimulate their desire to have more power. If you tell them not to do something, they will do it only because they want to win at any cost. Anything you do will increase their response. Angry responses are very common when facing these attitudes, but they are not helpful either.

Revenge

If, as a parent, you do not respond the way they want you to respond to their need for power, their mantra will be: “I only count if I can hurt others the way they have hurt me.”
They already know that they have no real power, so they try to get their revenge with negative behaviors.

This is a stage that needs to be reached, so these are preteens or teenagers who take “rebelliousness” to another level. They are the children who create fake accounts on social networks to hurt other people, or the son who stole and crashed his father’s car because he felt the car was more important to the father than his own son. It is even the children who threaten to hurt themselves to make others feel bad. This stage is characterized by wanting to hurt others.

If you are a permissive parent, you will either feel like a victim or extremely guilty, while authoritarian parents will want to show their own power or revenge, continuing the cycle, and the only way to stop it is for parents do something that favors the healing process.

Assumed inadequacy

When you continue to feed your child’s thirst for revenge, he/she will get tired. At this point, he/she will realize that what he/she does will not be enough to get your attention, and he/she will have already internalized how “stupid or useless” he/she is.

Furthermore, he/she will understand that he/she does not belong anywhere, or that there is no purpose in his/her life. Their mantra will be: “I am not good. Nobody believes that I have any value. I cannot do anything right, so why bother doing anything? I give up.” This stage is characterized by wanting to hurt themselves.

These are the young introverts who are unable to socialize, work in a team, and who prefer solitude to company. The adults who grow up with no attachment to their parents, away from concepts like love, understanding, and from God. Parents do not know what to do, and they end giving up. The bond is broken, and it only remains as a reminder that this situation can happen again at any time in the next generation.

These four aspects should be of interest to us as parents. It is not easy to analyze our memories, to delve into experiences, but if we do, we will start on the right foot our way to healing our relationship with our children, and we will be heading towards the possibility of enjoying happiness in our family bonds. That is the plan that God has for us as families, that we enjoy love and happiness with those around us.
Were you aware of these four goals that children use to get the attention they crave so much? Have you ever felt their effect on your relationship with your children? I invite you to share your experience and your opinions with us in the comments section of our post. God bless you.

What is the root of your child’s misbehavior?

Everything has a beginning, so it is no surprise that children’s misbehavior has one too. Often disguised as “mischief” or “tantrums,” the little ones begin to show poor behaviors or act in undesirable ways, upsetting and frustrating their parents and caregivers.

Parents continually tell me about their offspring’s aggressive behaviors when seeking professional help, desperately trying to find magic solutions or simple answers to stop the snowball that has been growing. But honestly, there is no single, easy answer.

So, if you find your two-year-old daughter sticking her fingers into the electrical outlets or your five-year-old son throws his toys when he does not want to go to kindergarten, or the school calls because your ten-year-old boy is bullying other students, this will not be the end of it.

Misbehavior appears at a very early age, and it does not stop until we, as parents, can put an end to it. Something may seem small to you today and you may assume it will disappear as your child grows up, but it probably won’t. What seems to tiring to correct today will probably continue, getting worse and affecting the child’s social development, which will follow them as adolescents and then adults.

It is time to take action as parents. However, to act, it is essential to know the root of the problem. So, I hope I can help you understand how you could be wasting valuable time that could be used to help your children become good men and women in the future.

Why is your child misbehaving?

Everything has a consequence in life, please keep this in mind. That reckless little girl who placed her fingers where she was not supposed to place them, in the future, could be someone clueless or forgetful. The same happens with the child who does not want to go to class or the one who causes problems at school.

You must understand that these are behaviors that must be stopped before they escalate in severity, but it takes us to the same dilemma — why do children behave like this? Are they unaware? Do they do it unintentionally? Perhaps my answer will surprise you, but, children are more intelligent than you think.

The root of the problem

To understand what I mean, we need to delve into the term purposive behavior, or intentional behavior. According to psychiatrist Alfred Adler, all social behavior will lead to a specific purpose. He believed that people do not act randomly, human behavior does not exist without a reason that explains it. It is a chain of actions that will work so that certain objectives can be achieved.

While individuals may not be aware of the link between goals and behaviors, the link is still there, it still exists, and it affects their behavior.

With all this in mind, the initial question remains: why do children behave this way? The intention behind the behavior is to get our attention. If you do not think that children use our attention as some kind of secret weapon, consider the following approach: you perform an action and the action fulfills a purpose, would you not repeat the action? Of course, you would, over and over again until it stops generating results. This logical sequence is the same one child follows, even at a young age.

Why do our children seek our attention?

When a child comes out of his/her mother’s womb, he/she will do so yearning to feel loved and accepted. And for this, he/she will need attention. But, such attention, according to ethologist Konrad Lorenz, is derived from a biological need. It is demonstrated through the principle of imprinting.

Imprinting refers to rapid learning that occurs in a critical phase of life. It is explained through the famous experiment with ducklings. When a duckling is born, it will consider the animal or object it sees first as its “mother.” It may see the mother right after, but it will not consider it to be its mother.

Attachment to the mother figure is explained by the need to survive in this world. The first source of love, security, and teaching on how to feed. Ducks and humans, as strange as it may sound, are similar since infants are inseparable from their mothers during lactation.

Children need attention

Every little piece of attention is absorbed by babies in those months, they practically become sponges. And, later, they will copy the behaviors that were demonstrated. At this stage, children are shapeable by:

  • good examples,
  • the love has given to them and,
  • above all, the positive attention that is given to them,
  • as well as the education.

This is why a child can learn a second language more easily in his/her first years of life. Likewise, we must understand that we were created to experience social connections. So, when a mother or father does not pay attention to their children, they will need and seek it at all costs.

This is due to they are experiencing a lack of acceptance, understanding, and love. Although at first sight, they act as though they are repelled by displays of affection. Or our presence, they will always be grateful for it within themselves.

Remember that everything created by God is interconnected. We were created in His image and likeness, and we are designed to live in a community. As it is in a community w can create transcendental bonds, allowing us to live a more stable and peaceful life.

The importance of the attention

It is extremely important to know the emotional and psychological basis that comprises the foundation of the individuals in our society. The experiences we live at an early age will determine our perception of reality as adults. And therefore our actions in each situation or challenge that we face throughout our lives. God wants us to be happy adults. It has always been His plan that we have interpersonal relationships that fill us with happiness. He wants us to have a full and happy relationship with Him.

I ask you then, did you know these concepts? Do you consider that experiences you lived throughout your childhood have determined your actions in the present? Share your answers and your opinion with us in the comments section of this post. God bless you.

The healing process for domestic violence victims

The healing process for domestic violence victims is complex and painful. Like any other process of this nature, it takes time. Many times, the person who comes to me seeking help does not understand. They don’t understand that part of the process consists of deprogramming the conscious and unconscious mind of all the lies that the abuser has sown. And whose fruits keep the patient tied and defenseless. This is not accomplished overnight. It takes perseverance and time.

The first thing we do with the victim has assessed the level of security that she/he has. Is the victim or his/her children in danger from the abuser? Is the victim in danger of hurting himself/herself because of the hopelessness he/she experiences in his/her life? Many times, the emotional abuse these victims have experienced is so damaging that they succumb to severe depression.

Often, these people do not understand the emotional damage the abuser has caused them. After this initial evaluation is completed, we begin to walk the victim through the stages of the healing process. In this post, I will talk about the four stages that Shannon Thomas presents.

Despair Stage

This stage’s name describes the experience the person who begins this process lives. The victim is confused and in despair. He/she wonders what he/she has done to deserve to be treated that way. “What do I have to do to make this relationship work? In which way do I have to improve? Why, if I am not such a bad person?” Questions that show the doubts the person has about himself/herself. Why is it so difficult for these people to understand what the real problem is?

The answer is, because these that survivors, who are hating themselves, are so busy wondering why they are failures that they ignore the source of the real problem and how they can get out of it. These survivors, who continually believe they are the problem, are hurt, broken, and do not consider themselves to be enough. They will have a hard time identifying the abuse they receive as the problem in their relationship.

What happens in this stage

Victims, at this stage, say “I can no longer fight this problem. It is too much for me.” It is an expression of despair. Many times, to get to this point and begin the healing journey, it is necessary to reach the extreme in which we give up and say that we can no longer fight, and that is when we seek external, professional, and spiritual help, which will allow us to get out of our despair.

But even though the victim is at this point, he/she is not always ready to leave the toxic relationship they are in. Or, simply, he/she does not believe that he/she is strong enough to make firm decisions. As therapists, we tell these patients that this is okay. This is all part of the process. The Despair Stage is not the time to make drastic changes, but it is the time to start taking small baby steps toward that longed-for place, emotional healing.

Education Stage

One of the biggest problems with domestic violence is that psychological abuse is exceptionally insidious, and therefore misunderstood. This is one of the tactics abusers often use. They isolate their victims from reality and from those around them as a way of exercising control over them. This is why the Education stage is important. Unless the victims can describe what has happened to them, they will not be able to begin the healing process. Victims need to know when any of these forms of domestic violence occur with certainty.

Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a term popularized by the psychotherapist Susan Forward. It refers to a type of violence that consists of the manipulation a person exercises over another using fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) as transactional dynamics between the manipulator and the manipulated person.

Minimizationsubtly

In the face of the victim’s achievements, whether they are professional or personal, the abuser will not praise the victim’s qualities. He/she will not praise him/her or recognize what he/she has accomplished.

The abuser will not do it abruptly, but subtly, using phrases such as: “That is fine for you”and subtly, “You are very lucky, now do not ruin it with nonsense and miss the opportunity.”

Control

This is one of the most detectable signs of this often invisible type of abuse. He/she will try to know where the victim is, who is with him/her, and what he/she is doing at all times.

The abuser will know the victim’s schedule, he/she will appear unexpectedly and more frequently wherever the victim is in a given moment, whether in the victim’s spare time or at work, using the excuse of “I wanted to surprise you.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting normally occurs very gradually in a relationship. The band’s abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. However, over time, these abusive patterns continue, and the victim may feel confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed.

Also, he/she may lose all sense of what is happening. Then, he/she begins to depend on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a situation from which it is very difficult to escape.

Awakening Stage

After the patient has discovered the entire manipulation system the abuser used to lead him/her to submission and abuse, he/she enters the Awakening stage. In this stage, a new awareness of the reality that has been lived is experienced, but despair is also experienced once more.

The combination of awareness and despair is because they feel empowered by the facts they discovered in the previous stage, but, on the other hand, they still cry because they miss the abuser. Do not judge them. Only someone who has been through a similar experience understands the damaging effects of psychological abuse.

The abuser has been a part of the victim’s life. The bonds that bind them are close and the victim longs to believe the abuser can change. I have seen how many victims look for excuses to justify the abuser’s behavior.

Common excuses to justify the abuser’s behavior

They say things like: “he/she was abused when he/she was a child,” “he/she has a personality disorder,” “God has put me in his/her way to help him/her,” “If  I leave him/her, who is going to help him/her?” “I have to let myself be used by God.”

Although all of this may sound altruistic, the reality is something completely different. All of this is the product of how difficult it is to confront the truth of what our loved ones are and mean to us.

On the other hand, these victims also feel a certain peace. It happens because, in the second stage, they understood that they are not crazy as their abusers told them. I have seen these people remain in that deep silence, meditating on the new reality that they are beginning to live and on what it could be tomorrow.

At this stage, victims that deepofdeep in domestic violence needsneedneeds need a lot of emotional support from family members and church members. Churches need to provide the place of safety that these people need, a shelter, a place where they are listened to and accepted unconditionally.

It is at this stage where victimsthatvictimsin of domestic violence begin to dream of the reality in which healing and restoration iaresarefares are possible.

Limits Stage

There can be no healing without clear limits. Therefore, the next stage in the healing process is learning to set limits. But how do we set limits for a person foroffor whom we are afraid or who is controlling? It is here, at this stage, that many victims give up and quit dreaming of their liberation. Learning to set limits in any relationship is a challenge since we often do not know where to start or how to do it.

No map or manual can guide us in this stage because each case has its peculiarities. Each victim must study how setting limits would work for him/her. That is why we recommend that, if needed, professional help be sought to navigate this stage.

When it comes to setting limits, we talk about two types of contact: Detached Contact, and No contact. The decision regarding the type of limits will be determined by the victim. If their life is in danger, if the relationship has reached a level where the person feels it is unbearable and the children are in danger.

No contact at all

No Contact is recommended, followed by seeking help at a shelter for victims of domestic violence, or perhaps, seeking help from friends and family. I must say that several studies state emphatically that this is the most dangerous time for the victim.

It is when the victim decides to leave the toxic relationship. It is when criminal acts have been committed against him/her and the other victims. Besides, It occurs because the abuser cannot process the fact that the person who was under his/her control is leaving the relationship. This drives the victim to despair.

Detached Contact is mostly determined by the environment in which the victim exists. For a victim who lives with the abuser, it could consist of limiting conversations with that person, saying “NO” more often, threatening to call the police, practicing assertiveness, calmly presenting the truth, and rejecting the lies the abuser has told.

All of this can be accomplished by taking small steps toward healing. The idea is to find ways to keep the abuser away so that he/she does not cross the emotional limits that have caused so much damage and pain in the past. Detached Contact is about remaining emotionally distant in the presence of toxic people. It is not about limiting contact while provoking the abuser.

Restoration Stage

After the victim has passed the stages of Despair, Education, Awakening, and Limits, he/she is ready for Restoration. You might be asking yourself, restoration of what? Restoration of your material things, life moments, financial stability, physical and mental health, or anything that you have lost in your past life as a victim of domestic violence.

How does a victim know that he/she has reached this stage? When he/she feels the need to have a hobby in his/her free time, an activity that has nothing to do with the educational process that he/she has been experiencing. This is the moment when the victim decides to live again and to bring hope to his/her life.

Remaining Stage

This is the final stage, the stage in which the survivor will look back to the previous stages and continue to deepen his/her healing and restoration. In this stage, the person also learns to identify healthy relationships and avoid toxic people. Remaining is when a survivor lives his/her recovery life fully, with the confidence and skills to stay safe from future abuse.

A key component in the Remaining stage is recognizing that you are a new person. You have grown, you have changed, and you are an improved version of yourself.

It is important to see yourself in the new you. There are sad consequences to not acknowledging that our old “me” has vanished. Uncertainty and the lack of safety will lead us to alienate happy and successful people. It happens because we believe we do not deserve their attention. Our internal dialogue and self-esteem will determine the types of people we allow or reject in our lives.

Throughout this process, God will be your Shepherd and you will lack nothing. The one who is most interested in you reaching this final stage is God, your Creator. He suffers when He sees you being abused and not knowing how to defend yourself.

God will be by your side as a mighty giant. He will be always ready to protect you and give you the freedom you need if you only dare to begin a new healing process. I am not telling you that this is easy, but it is possible. And, if at any time you need a friendly hand to help you or hold you, or maybe you need professional help, you can call me at 407-618-0212 or write to efrain.duany@floridaconference.com

Warning Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence

Dating and marriage violence is a reality. Courtship is a facet in the relationship in which people get to know the other person and meet their families and friends. It is supposed to be a time full of good moments. However, it is also when abusers start to show certain signs of dating and marriage violence that need to be identified immediately before falling into their manipulations.

Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence

From subtle to the most obvious signs of dating and marriage violence, these are some of the signs that a courtship is unsafe1:

Insecure and possessive attitudes

A woman or a man who is stuck in an unhealthy courtship will be constantly watched by his/her counterpart. The initial excuses may sound somewhat consistent, such as the need to protect the other person or ward off bad influences, perhaps showing concern for the partner’s safety. However, the rationale behind each of these excuses will be lost as time passes.

The blame will always fall on a single party

A relationship comprises two people who share the same burden of duties and rights. The key to maintaining fruitful and healthy relationships is sharing responsibilities when something goes wrong. But for an abuser, disputes or bad times are never his/her fault, it is always someone else’s.

Pressuring their partner to do certain things

Manipulation and pressure to show “love” is what leads many victims to submit to situations they do not want. This is why they are in a vulnerable state, and what is much worse, a state where they do not know how or if they will be able to say “no.” For example, going to certain places, meeting certain people, or even pushing them to do things God does not accept. Everything is about control, control the victim will give without realizing it in order to see their partner happy.

Mocking and humiliating situations

We are usually vulnerable to what others say or the opinion that others have about us. That is why when a person goes to a social gathering with someone he/she appreciates, that person should take the other person’s side if there is an awkward moment.

But abusers do the opposite because they never miss an opportunity to humiliate someone or to let others know implicitly that their partner is irresponsible, imprudent, or not smart. While in a courtship relationship, all these offenses may be disguised with passive-aggressive words, not spoken in a direct or explicitly violent way.

Sometimes it is a matter of “harmless” expressions or comments when they are not, but, they need to be nipped in the bud. Most importantly, when the victim explains that he/she is hurt by the abuser’s attitude, he/she will minimize the situation.

1http: //www.gentediversa.org.mx/documentos/noviazgoSeguro/GuiaPrevencionViolenciaNoviazgo.pdf The abuser will not take the victim’s pain into consideration because he/she thinks that the victim caused the situation and is overreacting.

How to recognize signs of dating and marriage violence

Emotional violence within married couples creates a much greater sense of suffocation for the affected person, since the sacred union of marriage makes it difficult to face the dark side of the other human being.

By joining two lives, a man and a woman create this bond. It is thought and intended to be for the rest of their lives. Despite this, when emotional violence occurs, questions raise that should not be denied:

  • Is pain love?
  • Do I deserve to go through this?
  • Don’t I deserve happiness?

It is essential to understand that marriage is a loving bond, but is also a commitment and a space to grow. Therefore, when one of the parties does not want to admit that there is a problem and does not make an effort to change, it is that person who is failing, not the person who is trying. Trying is the key to overcoming many negative situations, because it is a team effort.

Marriage violence

The symptoms of emotional violence within marriage are usually more aggressive and notorious. There is no longer just an emotional bond, there is also a legal one. If there are children, hundreds of important factors add. And hundreds more depending on the number of children the couple has. Each child is unique and each child may react differently to witnessing this kind of violence.

Children internalize everything they see around them. They may not immediately understand what they’re feeling, but they keep it inside their memory and heart. The following are signs of violence within marriage relationships:

  • Irritability when facing any situation: Hostility and frustration exercised by the aggressor due to unjustified situations. Disguising the behavior or showing restraint is no longer as necessary as it was during courtship.
  • Intense verbal abuse6: Loud insults, provocations, and trampling their partner’s feelings. All of this will happen in marriages where emotional violence occurs.
  • Manipulating children: When children enter the picture, everything gets a lot worse. Why? Because abusers tend to turn children into tools to blackmail the partner and make them take sides. When the victims file for divorce, for example, the abuser might ask for custody of the children’s. They also make false allegations to the authorities.3  Unfortunately, when the necessary advice is not available, abusers may get what they want.

A suggested reading in these cases is “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Bill Eddy.

I would like to know what you think about this article. I invite you to share it if it has been a blessing. If you are experiencing violence in your relationship, do not hesitate to seek help. You can write to me at efrain.duany@floridaconference.com or call 407-618-0212.

2https://www.scielo.sa.cr/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S1409-00152004000100005

How to identify emotional abuse

Fear, shame, and uncertainty, all those words serve to describe the feelings of someone who suffer emotional abuse in the past. Those who have been through traumatic experiences because of ex-partners tend to keep silent about their past and not express their fears for fear of being judged and not understood.

We live in a society that is so disconnected from its emotions. A society that is isolated from educational resources against emotional abuse that; often, a victim does not even know they were abused.

According to the OASH (Office of the Assistant Secretary for Health)1, abusers are also able to say that they love their partners, to pay attention to them and be helpful in certain moments of the relationship. But abusers use these acts to subdue and confuse the victim.

An abuser will not resort to physical violence every day, but could commit other forms of abuse such as offending, manipulation, and threats. All of these damage to the victim’s mental health. While it is surmountable, it requires the necessary help. But how do you identify a victim? How can you help your partner who was a victim? To get these answers, it is necessary to delve into the subject.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that uses verbal and mental means to control, isolate, degrade, and devalue a person2. Emotional abuse can occur in countless situations and contexts. The first image that comes to mind when it comes to emotional abuse is likely in a romantic relationship. But abuse can also take the form of workplace bullying and cyberbullying, among others.

In these cases, physical violence is not necessary to violate an individual. Emotional abuse is instead used to manipulate him/her, to invade his/her personal space, and the abuser turns to insults to show his/her intentions. Women and men who have suffered emotional abuse do not leave all that suffering in the past. Instead, if they are able to free themselves from those chains, they will continue to keep the fear and ”secrets” inside themselves, which will only serve to weaken the current relationship.

How does emotional abuse begin?

There is no specific time when emotional abuse started. It can appear suddenly. This is why it causes surprise, and why it is believed that it will be a temporary stage the relationship is going through.

It is normal for abusers to act normally at first. Some abusers invest a considerable amount of effort into being a “perfect” person, behaving especially loving or caring.

1 https://espanol.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety

2 https://www.redalyc.org/articulo.oa?id=79815640003

Offering a lot of praise, or asking to see the other person, often is part of their scheme. The idea is to create the feeling that they are two against the world. But eventually, the abuse presents as the relationship is established, making leaving or breaking off the relationship more complicated.

Once the idea that they are only two people in the world is implanted, the victim, who will have been isolated from his/her family and friends, will be left without resources or other objective perspectives on his/her life.

Examples of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is subtle in its beginning. No one thinks about being attracted to be abused. So, hidden signs and feeling of discomfort represent the beginning of a dangerous situation. Some examples of emotional abuse are:

Privacy fading

An abuser will want to be with their victim all the time, round-the-clock. The contact has to be frequent and will escalate from being harmless, such as seeing each other constantly, to demands to know phone, email, and social network passwords. The abuser will give excuses based on trust. And the victim will give in for fear of jeopardizing the relationship or to avoid more conflicts and show that he/she has nothing to hide.

Extreme jealousy

Jealousy in a couple is normal behavior to some extent. However, when jealousy is constant, unjustified, and generates conflicts, it is a problem and a warning sign. People are supposed to feel loved and be happy in relationships, not unhappy.

Isolation from family and friends

Abusers separate victims from the people who care about them, the same people who could deduce what is happening because they are not the victims.

Control

The abuser’s need for power will never be satisfied because he/she will always need more and more of it. Their control may have started with suggesting not going to a certain place or not doing a certain activity, but it will escalate until he/she controls the finances and how the  money is spent. It will also go to the extreme of preventing the person from working or going to doctor’s appointments. Deciding what to wear or what to eat for another person are other behaviors that show a thirst for control.

Verbal humiliation

Words have power, and just as they are capable of uplifting the spirit and showing appreciation for the surrounding beauty, they are also capable of doing the exact opposite, destroying it. Insults about being useless, or relating to intelligence, ability, physical appearance, and other characteristics will hurt, and scar the victims’ minds.

Threats

Threats are an unpleasant extreme, and they will disrupt the ability to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. It is very common for abusers to resort to threatening to hurt themselves if the victim leaves. They do not only threaten to harm themselves, but also threaten to take their own life or partner’s. It is a cycle that will never end due to the dependency that has been created.

The negative effects of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse will not only cause short-term damage once it is experienced. It will touch the minds of those who suffer it deeply, affecting the victim’s future relationships.

The effects of toxic relationships can see by understanding the abuser himself/herself. Understanding this is part of the healing process, and can help promote healthy habits in future relationships.

The manipulation abusers

As an example, the manipulation abusers exercise may be due to the fact that they have narcissistic personality disorder. These individuals demean and manipulate every partner they have. This is called narcissistic abuse3.

In her book, “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist,” bestselling author Shahida Arabi explains that normally, pathological narcissists don’t diagnose or provide treatment to control their disorder. Therefore, it is difficult to identify one before becoming involved in a relationship with him/her.

Their manipulation tactics are different from those of other abusers. They are often covered up and disguised as good intentions. The addiction and attachment that victims build with narcissists is also surprising, as both biochemical and traumatic links generate.

Although victims manage to escape the codependency of being in a relationship with a narcissist, they will still feel, to some extent, that part of their souls and who they really have been stolen. However, we can regain everything we feel has been stolen from us, and we can start over from scratch with someone who loves us4. “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” by therapist Eleanor D. Payson, explains how it is possible to find yourself despite the abuse. But in order to accomplish this, you need to acknowledge what happened and be open with the people around you.

Identify emotional abuse and stop it

In summary, an emotionally abused person will suffer with feelings of:

  • remorse,
  • regret,
  • feelings of loneliness and
  • abandonment in the short term.

In the long term, they fear getting into another toxic relationship and/or are unable to give themselves fully in soul and heart, preventing the victim from enjoying love. And this does not only apply to loving another person, but loving himself/herself and seeing himself/herself as a person with the ability to move on.

I would like to know your opinion on this matter. Do you know someone who has been a victim of abuse? Or maybe you were that victim. If you wish, please share your experience. Remember, if you need professional help, you can write to us at efrain.duany@floridaconference.com or call us at 407-618 0212.