Warning Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence

by with No Comment Emotional IntelligenceMental health

Dating and marriage violence is a reality. Courtship is a facet in the relationship in which people get to know the other person and meet their families and friends. It is supposed to be a time full of good moments. However, it is also when abusers start to show certain signs of dating and marriage violence that need to be identified immediately before falling into their manipulations.

Signs of Dating and Marriage Violence

From subtle to the most obvious signs of dating and marriage violence, these are some of the signs that a courtship is unsafe1:

Insecure and possessive attitudes

A woman or a man who is stuck in an unhealthy courtship will be constantly watched by his/her counterpart. The initial excuses may sound somewhat consistent, such as the need to protect the other person or ward off bad influences, perhaps showing concern for the partner’s safety. However, the rationale behind each of these excuses will be lost as time passes.

The blame will always fall on a single party

A relationship comprises two people who share the same burden of duties and rights. The key to maintaining fruitful and healthy relationships is sharing responsibilities when something goes wrong. But for an abuser, disputes or bad times are never his/her fault, it is always someone else’s.

Pressuring their partner to do certain things

Manipulation and pressure to show “love” is what leads many victims to submit to situations they do not want. This is why they are in a vulnerable state, and what is much worse, a state where they do not know how or if they will be able to say “no.” For example, going to certain places, meeting certain people, or even pushing them to do things God does not accept. Everything is about control, control the victim will give without realizing it in order to see their partner happy.

Mocking and humiliating situations

We are usually vulnerable to what others say or the opinion that others have about us. That is why when a person goes to a social gathering with someone he/she appreciates, that person should take the other person’s side if there is an awkward moment.

But abusers do the opposite because they never miss an opportunity to humiliate someone or to let others know implicitly that their partner is irresponsible, imprudent, or not smart. While in a courtship relationship, all these offenses may be disguised with passive-aggressive words, not spoken in a direct or explicitly violent way.

Sometimes it is a matter of “harmless” expressions or comments when they are not, but, they need to be nipped in the bud. Most importantly, when the victim explains that he/she is hurt by the abuser’s attitude, he/she will minimize the situation.

1http: //www.gentediversa.org.mx/documentos/noviazgoSeguro/GuiaPrevencionViolenciaNoviazgo.pdf The abuser will not take the victim’s pain into consideration because he/she thinks that the victim caused the situation and is overreacting.

How to recognize signs of dating and marriage violence

Emotional violence within married couples creates a much greater sense of suffocation for the affected person, since the sacred union of marriage makes it difficult to face the dark side of the other human being.

By joining two lives, a man and a woman create this bond. It is thought and intended to be for the rest of their lives. Despite this, when emotional violence occurs, questions raise that should not be denied:

  • Is pain love?
  • Do I deserve to go through this?
  • Don’t I deserve happiness?

It is essential to understand that marriage is a loving bond, but is also a commitment and a space to grow. Therefore, when one of the parties does not want to admit that there is a problem and does not make an effort to change, it is that person who is failing, not the person who is trying. Trying is the key to overcoming many negative situations, because it is a team effort.

Marriage violence

The symptoms of emotional violence within marriage are usually more aggressive and notorious. There is no longer just an emotional bond, there is also a legal one. If there are children, hundreds of important factors add. And hundreds more depending on the number of children the couple has. Each child is unique and each child may react differently to witnessing this kind of violence.

Children internalize everything they see around them. They may not immediately understand what they’re feeling, but they keep it inside their memory and heart. The following are signs of violence within marriage relationships:

  • Irritability when facing any situation: Hostility and frustration exercised by the aggressor due to unjustified situations. Disguising the behavior or showing restraint is no longer as necessary as it was during courtship.
  • Intense verbal abuse6: Loud insults, provocations, and trampling their partner’s feelings. All of this will happen in marriages where emotional violence occurs.
  • Manipulating children: When children enter the picture, everything gets a lot worse. Why? Because abusers tend to turn children into tools to blackmail the partner and make them take sides. When the victims file for divorce, for example, the abuser might ask for custody of the children’s. They also make false allegations to the authorities.3  Unfortunately, when the necessary advice is not available, abusers may get what they want.

A suggested reading in these cases is “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Bill Eddy.

I would like to know what you think about this article. I invite you to share it if it has been a blessing. If you are experiencing violence in your relationship, do not hesitate to seek help. You can write to me at efrain.duany@floridaconference.com or call 407-618-0212.

2https://www.scielo.sa.cr/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S1409-00152004000100005

How to identify emotional abuse

by with No Comment Mental health

Fear, shame, and uncertainty, all those words serve to describe the feelings of someone who suffer emotional abuse in the past. Those who have been through traumatic experiences because of ex-partners tend to keep silent about their past and not express their fears for fear of being judged and not understood.

We live in a society that is so disconnected from its emotions. A society that is isolated from educational resources against emotional abuse that; often, a victim does not even know they were abused.

According to the OASH (Office of the Assistant Secretary for Health)1, abusers are also able to say that they love their partners, to pay attention to them and be helpful in certain moments of the relationship. But abusers use these acts to subdue and confuse the victim.

An abuser will not resort to physical violence every day, but could commit other forms of abuse such as offending, manipulation, and threats. All of these damage to the victim’s mental health. While it is surmountable, it requires the necessary help. But how do you identify a victim? How can you help your partner who was a victim? To get these answers, it is necessary to delve into the subject.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that uses verbal and mental means to control, isolate, degrade, and devalue a person2. Emotional abuse can occur in countless situations and contexts. The first image that comes to mind when it comes to emotional abuse is likely in a romantic relationship. But abuse can also take the form of workplace bullying and cyberbullying, among others.

In these cases, physical violence is not necessary to violate an individual. Emotional abuse is instead used to manipulate him/her, to invade his/her personal space, and the abuser turns to insults to show his/her intentions. Women and men who have suffered emotional abuse do not leave all that suffering in the past. Instead, if they are able to free themselves from those chains, they will continue to keep the fear and ”secrets” inside themselves, which will only serve to weaken the current relationship.

How does emotional abuse begin?

There is no specific time when emotional abuse started. It can appear suddenly. This is why it causes surprise, and why it is believed that it will be a temporary stage the relationship is going through.

It is normal for abusers to act normally at first. Some abusers invest a considerable amount of effort into being a “perfect” person, behaving especially loving or caring.

1 https://espanol.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety

2 https://www.redalyc.org/articulo.oa?id=79815640003

Offering a lot of praise, or asking to see the other person, often is part of their scheme. The idea is to create the feeling that they are two against the world. But eventually, the abuse presents as the relationship is established, making leaving or breaking off the relationship more complicated.

Once the idea that they are only two people in the world is implanted, the victim, who will have been isolated from his/her family and friends, will be left without resources or other objective perspectives on his/her life.

Examples of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is subtle in its beginning. No one thinks about being attracted to be abused. So, hidden signs and feeling of discomfort represent the beginning of a dangerous situation. Some examples of emotional abuse are:

Privacy fading

An abuser will want to be with their victim all the time, round-the-clock. The contact has to be frequent and will escalate from being harmless, such as seeing each other constantly, to demands to know phone, email, and social network passwords. The abuser will give excuses based on trust. And the victim will give in for fear of jeopardizing the relationship or to avoid more conflicts and show that he/she has nothing to hide.

Extreme jealousy

Jealousy in a couple is normal behavior to some extent. However, when jealousy is constant, unjustified, and generates conflicts, it is a problem and a warning sign. People are supposed to feel loved and be happy in relationships, not unhappy.

Isolation from family and friends

Abusers separate victims from the people who care about them, the same people who could deduce what is happening because they are not the victims.

Control

The abuser’s need for power will never be satisfied because he/she will always need more and more of it. Their control may have started with suggesting not going to a certain place or not doing a certain activity, but it will escalate until he/she controls the finances and how the  money is spent. It will also go to the extreme of preventing the person from working or going to doctor’s appointments. Deciding what to wear or what to eat for another person are other behaviors that show a thirst for control.

Verbal humiliation

Words have power, and just as they are capable of uplifting the spirit and showing appreciation for the surrounding beauty, they are also capable of doing the exact opposite, destroying it. Insults about being useless, or relating to intelligence, ability, physical appearance, and other characteristics will hurt, and scar the victims’ minds.

Threats

Threats are an unpleasant extreme, and they will disrupt the ability to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. It is very common for abusers to resort to threatening to hurt themselves if the victim leaves. They do not only threaten to harm themselves, but also threaten to take their own life or partner’s. It is a cycle that will never end due to the dependency that has been created.

The negative effects of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse will not only cause short-term damage once it is experienced. It will touch the minds of those who suffer it deeply, affecting the victim’s future relationships.

The effects of toxic relationships can see by understanding the abuser himself/herself. Understanding this is part of the healing process, and can help promote healthy habits in future relationships.

The manipulation abusers

As an example, the manipulation abusers exercise may be due to the fact that they have narcissistic personality disorder. These individuals demean and manipulate every partner they have. This is called narcissistic abuse3.

In her book, “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist,” bestselling author Shahida Arabi explains that normally, pathological narcissists don’t diagnose or provide treatment to control their disorder. Therefore, it is difficult to identify one before becoming involved in a relationship with him/her.

Their manipulation tactics are different from those of other abusers. They are often covered up and disguised as good intentions. The addiction and attachment that victims build with narcissists is also surprising, as both biochemical and traumatic links generate.

Although victims manage to escape the codependency of being in a relationship with a narcissist, they will still feel, to some extent, that part of their souls and who they really have been stolen. However, we can regain everything we feel has been stolen from us, and we can start over from scratch with someone who loves us4. “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” by therapist Eleanor D. Payson, explains how it is possible to find yourself despite the abuse. But in order to accomplish this, you need to acknowledge what happened and be open with the people around you.

Identify emotional abuse and stop it

In summary, an emotionally abused person will suffer with feelings of:

  • remorse,
  • regret,
  • feelings of loneliness and
  • abandonment in the short term.

In the long term, they fear getting into another toxic relationship and/or are unable to give themselves fully in soul and heart, preventing the victim from enjoying love. And this does not only apply to loving another person, but loving himself/herself and seeing himself/herself as a person with the ability to move on.

I would like to know your opinion on this matter. Do you know someone who has been a victim of abuse? Or maybe you were that victim. If you wish, please share your experience. Remember, if you need professional help, you can write to us at efrain.duany@floridaconference.com or call us at 407-618 0212.

Mental Health Implications of COVID-19

by with No Comment Mental health

As we enter the second year of the COVID-19 pandemic, mental health implications of coronavirus have evolved as a significant concern. The coronavirus outbreak has affected a significant number of people worldwide, halting everyday life as we knew it.

Day-to-day life was already stressful before the pandemic. However, new challenges during COVID-19 have taken a heavy toll on mental health and overall well-being for many people.

The pandemic has challenged us with severe lifestyle changes, interrupting our routines. In addition to everyday struggles, people now worry about getting sick or losing their job They also worry about going through financial hardship, and losing social connections.

The new social distancing rules, the necessity of wearing face masks, and lockdowns are enormous challenges for most people. For many people, the fear of dying or losing loved ones is just overwhelming. These challenges need to be addressed to prevent psychological consequences of the greatest health crisis in history.

Speaking about the mental health impact of COVID-19, mental health experts predict an increase in the following mental illnesses shortly:

Anxiety and Depression

From remote working and virtual homeschooling to coping with sickness and death due to the virus, COVID-19 challenges have contributed to increased mental health concerns, triggering mental health conditions, or aggravating existing ones in millions of people worldwide.

A rise in anxiety and depression symptoms is expected in a crisis like this. When we feel threatened, the amygdala in our brain activates the cognitive-emotional-physiological reaction known as the “flight or fight” response to help us adapt to stress.

Therefore, it is natural to experience anxiety in a crisis. However, excessive or continuous worry and fear can destabilize your resilience, harming your health and quality of life.

Mental health professionals are concerned that the incidence of anxiety, depression, and self-harming behaviors will increase significantly in the pandemic’s aftermath.

According to a recent study, the frequency of negative moods among children and their families increased significantly during the lockdown. Social isolation missed social development opportunities, childcare burdens, unemployment, income loss, and illnesses caused a decline in children’s and parent’s mental health.

For many people, uncertainty is one of the biggest COVID-19 challenges. A combination of uncertainty and responsibility can have a profound effect on one’s mental health, triggering or exacerbating symptoms of anxiety, depression, mood disorders, and other psychological concerns.

Burnout Syndrome

Apart from health care workers, who are beyond burned out, the state of complete exhaustion affects many people these days. Burnout is described as a state of exhaustion caused by excessive or chronic stress. It occurs due to emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion over a more extended period, and it differs from feeling stressed out now and then.

Burnout causes you to constantly feel exhausted without relief from it, triggering other health problems, reducing your motivation and productivity, and impairing your relationships.

Signs of burnout

Some common signs of burnout involve:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Mood swings
  • Self-esteem issues
  • Self-doubt
  • Feeling helpless and hopeless
  • Disturbed sleep
  • Social withdrawal
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Weakened immune system

Loneliness

Social distancing, quarantine, and lockdowns lead to isolation and loneliness, affecting people of all ages. Most frontline workers have stayed separated from their loved ones for weeks or even months.

The inability to travel has kept us separated from our families – many of us have not seen our parents, children, or spouses for a long time. Young people have missed out on social interaction opportunities, as school lessons, camps, proms, and sports events were canceled. This leads to loneliness and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Also, there is growing evidence that loneliness and isolation are linked to an increased risk of physical illness.

Parents worldwide are concerned about the increase in their children’s screen time. In the past year, children and adolescents have been engaging with technology more than ever.

Studies show that the false impression of connection that we get from technology and social media aggravates feelings of isolation and loneliness. The pandemic added fuel to the flames of alienation that our society has already absorbed.

Eating Disorders

Mental health experts say that specific mental illnesses such as eating disorders, social anxiety, or addictions thrive in isolation. People who struggled with addiction and eating disorders before the pandemic are struggling even more.

Spending more time in an environment that triggers unhealthy behaviors and being unable to get support, many people have sunken deeper into mental illnesses and substance abuse.

Eating disorders are about much more than food. These severe mental health conditions require evidence-based treatment and can worsen in times of increased anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns commonly related to eating disorders.

How to Cope with the COVID-19 Pandemic

Resilience to stress is crucial to finding a breather from the pandemic. How you manage stress in times of crisis can affect your mental and physical health, work productivity, relationships, and well-being in general.

Make Self-Care Your Priority

Self-care strategies such as getting enough sleep, mindful meditation, nutritious meals, regular physical activity, and safely spending time outdoors can help you manage coronavirus anxiety and improve your overall health.

Also, spending time with your loved ones and pets can have therapeutic benefits and help you manage anxiety and depression symptoms. Research shows that connecting with nature has uplifting effects because it can help you relax and let go of negative emotions and thoughts.

Regular physical activity is known to promote a variety of changes in the brain. Exercise has the power to stimulate the release of dopamine and endorphins, neurotransmitters also known as hormones of happiness. An increase of these neurotransmitters in your blood causes effects similar to what antidepressant medications do, revitalizing your spirits and making you feel good.

Consider Reaching Out to a Professional

If you feel that you are not equipped to manage stress, anxiety, and other mental health concerns on your own, seek help from a mental health professional. Counseling and psychotherapy can be a safe environment to address the issues you face and develop effective coping strategies.

Build an intimate relationship with God

The most important step you must take to cope with this pandemic and its effects on your daily life is to build an intimate and strong relationship with God. There is no stronger foundation than His very own being. There is no greater shelter than being surrounded by His loving arms. But can you cultivate an intimate relationship with God?

  • First, recognize Him as your Creator and Savior.
  • Secondly, try to spend some quality time with Him. You can do it through reading the Bible, praying, meditating about His word, and telling Him about our anxieties, worries, and problems.

The closer we get to God, the more sheltered we are going to feel. Remember what Philippians 4:6-7 says:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

This is the resource we have always had in times of crises, anguish, and uncertainty. In Psalm 94:19, we can see how David felt when he turned to God: “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” God can help you navigate these turbulent times. God bless you.

Resources

https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/living-with-loneliness-as-covid-19-pandemic-rages-on/

https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/covid-19

https://www.revistapcna.com/sites/default/files/008_0.pdf

https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/01/12/covid-mental-health-how-cope-emotional-exhaustion-and-burnout/4134289001/

https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00295-3

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

Self-compassion in the opposition of self-judgment

by with No Comment Mental health

Self-judgment is the opposite of self-compassion because with self-compassion, according to Dr. Kristin Neff, a widely recognized world-leading expert on self-compassion, we “Give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

According to Dr. Neff, compassion, as opposed to mere pity, means realizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of our human experience. But to understand compassion, first, kindness needs to be considered. Compassion alludes to kindness.

To err is human. Jesus was a man, a man who lived here on earth, breathed our air, and felt our pain. He embraced all the attributes of God, and he had compassion for his people.

We are moved to speak of a Savior who suffered for the world, giving his life for us because he was moved to compassion. His gift of salvation moves us lovingly to live and act compassionately.

Why self-compassion is so difficult

However, when we find ourselves in situations that cause us anger or stress and cause us to lose control over our words or actions, it is possible to react without thinking. Unfortunately, a quick reaction can lead to mistakes. Looking to justify our lack of control or weakness, we quickly judge others or others and/or and/or blame ourselves or others.

We can all experience distressing moments at any time, and we can end up not only suffering a lot, but criticizing others and/or ourselves even more harshly.

Self-compassion can help us

However, the good news is that self-compassion can help us and others in many ways. First, to practice self-compassion, you have to be kind to yourself. Acting kindly and understandingly toward yourself means having the confidence to say to yourself, “It’s okay that I made a mistake, but I know I did my best and I won’t judge myself harshly for it.”

Intentionally find ways to be kind to yourself. When you feel like you’ve failed, seek the warmth and support of your inner voice. Most likely, you need to invite the presence of the Holy Spirit. Start a short sentence focusing on using affirmative words.

Other common ways to be kind to yourself include spending time with yourself. Now and then, spend some time doing something that brings health and joy, such as hobbies.

Hobbies give people a chance to decompress and relax. Hobbies allow us to free ourselves from stress while remaining mentally productive. According to the Mayo Clinic, having hobbies promotes better health and can reduce the risk of high blood pressure.

Be careful to provide the same care and kindness that you would give to others and extend it to yourself. Whenever you run into frustrations, failures, and … fill in the blank, forgive yourself first.

How to show self-compassion

When we fail, we judge ourselves quickly. Self-judgment is the opposite of self-compassion. Self-compassion, remember, begins with kindness to yourself. As Christians, when we fail and make mistakes, God forgives us. Likewise, God calls us to forgive others and to treat others as we would treat ourselves. How are you treating yourself? How are you treating others? Are these in agreement? Are you treating yourself and others with compassion and kindness?

To forgive yourself, mental health counselors recommend that their clients focus on acknowledging their present emotions. They also encourage clients to acknowledge the mistake and then rephrase it out loud as a learning experience. One element to keep in mind is understanding self-criticism and replacing it with objective self-recognition.

Another aspect of self-compassion is applying it to ourselves as if we are our good friends. The common consensus states that it is good to have friends, especially those who encourage you, do not blame you, and restore you.

A cross-sectional study of 271,053 adults, published in early 2017 by Michigan State University, revealed that valuing friendships was related to better health and well-being throughout life. It is good to have good friends who build you up and with whom you share joy. Likewise, it is important to be good friends with ourselves.

Even more, however, is being good friends of our Jesus, “I have called you friends,” Jesus said (John 15:15). He who understands how wonderfully we were made (Psalm 139: 14). Jesus was sensitive to the needs of all people. Let us also be sensitive to our needs and the needs of others. He practiced self-compassion. By being compassionate towards yourself, you will increase your chances of becoming even more compassionate towards others.

Test your level of self-compassion here!

By Kate-J.Life
M.Ed., MHFA

Source: Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

Can I ask you all of my ignorant questions?

by with No Comment Mental health

Can I ask you all of my ignorant questions? Honestly? Most people’s answer to this particular question is no. What would be your most immediate response to this question?

Psychologists agree that when people ask other people “ignorant” questions, most people feel uneasy and are often upset when asked.

So, what questions can be classified as ignorant questions?

Why ask an ignorant question?

For some, an ignorant question is when a person believes the question has already been answered, so why bother asking it?

It is scientifically proven that we learn about life by asking questions. Some common questions people ask about life are, for example:

• How do people see me?
• What / to whom did I do good today?
• Am I true to my values?

More importantly, answers to the most complicated life questions are resolved on our own.

Ask life questions

When faced with life questions, we pull from our life experiences to formulate the best possible answers. So living life is a great way to become a life expert. Over time, the compilation of our lived experiences shapes who we are in one way or another.

This is not yet evident when children are just beginning to go through life. For this reason, they love asking all kinds of questions. For example, through questions, children learn cause and effect relationships.

When thinking critically about storytelling, identifying cause and effect relationships within the story helps young readers focus their understanding of the story. The story’s focus is on what happens in the story and how it happened. What and how are two important elements of understanding. As an educator, it is important to develop a good understanding among young readers. Good understanding helps readers determine what is important, what and is a fact.

Going back to the types of questions, while some people will agree and others will disagree with the definition of an ignorant question, the most affirmative common denominator is the what and why questions.

Nonetheless, there are misinformed questions or poorly formulated questions. Poorly formulated questions can be dangerous. Misinformed questions typically contain incorrect assumptions. For this reason, it is important to understand the what and the why of questions to avoid making incorrect assumptions.

Sadly, most incorrect assumptions lead to negative reactions. Negative reactions invite conflict and misunderstandings. The good news is that we can avoid conflict and misunderstandings by avoiding negative assumptions.

Avoid making negative or incorrect assumptions

To avoid making negative or incorrect assumptions, we must clarify our communication. Most people make assumptions, but unfortunately, these assumptions tend to be negative.

Patience allows a person’s ideas to be fully communicated. And yes, an individual’s ideas are important but not more important than anyone else’s, and these ideas sometimes take time to be fully expressed and understood. A key takeaway here is always clarifying the assumptions about the sender and receiver parts of the message.

A receiver can do this by listening carefully, taking notes, or rephrasing what is being said by restating the message using their own words. By doing this, a listener can communicate to a speaker that they care about what is being said.

It is also recommended to avoid interrupting the speaker. If one must interrupt, one can gently indicate a pause to reflect on all that has been said.

Be a good listener

Overall, based on the Harvard Review, good listening skills help workers avoid conflict and misunderstandings by clarifying potentially incorrect assumptions. We benefit when we communicate well with each other.

Another issue with incorrect assumptions is inadvertently reacting to a perceived situation that may not accurately reflect what is happening due to hasty assumptions and judgments about the other person’s behavior.

Good listening skills improve human relationships and are an important tool for clarifying assumptions. Good listening skills help us develop the confidence necessary to lead and inspire a team, or to learn from others.

A word of caution. Although good listening skills allow the senders and receivers of messages to receive and interpret and process messages accurately, it is important to remember that this mainly comes from being willing to listen to others.

Here is the best example. There were Adam and Eve, who could eat fruits from all the trees except one. Yes, there were many trees in the garden. But God said that Adam and Eve could eat fruit from all but one tree. Then Adam and Eve ate the fruit and hid from God. Sometime later, God joined them and pretended not to know where and how they were. Adam and Eve felt vulnerable and were naked.

In these passages, God asked Adam, “Adam, where are you?” Theologically, this is a topic of a long conversation. Yet, Bible scholars agree that when God asks, “Adam, where are you?” the LORD intended to bring Adam to a place of responsibility. Accountability makes us better communicators and also encourages us to communicate expectations effectively. We benefit from being accountable for how we communicate.

Research about asking this kind of questions

Research has found that good listening skills promote positive workplaces. Organizations and decision-makers agree that good listening skills facilitate communication with the people they lead. Good listening skills increase employee confidence and reduce conflicts in the workplace.

In short, regardless of how we feel about or define an ignorant question, by asking a question, we communicate a need or desire to learn. A key takeaway is having the willingness to listen, to honor the question, and, more importantly, to honor the need or desire to learn.

A question is an open invitation to relate to others and build others. By answering others, we build ourselves.

By Kate-J.Life
M.Ed., MHF

How to make peace with your past II

by with No Comment Mental health

In our last post, we talked about how our past can affect us and how our mind processes it, affecting not only in the way we perceive things, but also our physical health.

The daily rush that we are used to doing not let us realize that many things we are feeling are actually linked to things we are dragging along from our past, triggering emotions and stress in the present.

We also talked about why we should let go of the past. It is the best thing to do if we want to have a healthy body and a healthy mind. But, how can we start making peace with our past to eventually let it go and have the inner peace we are longing for? Here are seven steps that can help you accomplish it:

  1. Self-acceptance and self-compassion

You are not your trauma, and your trauma does not define you. Wherever you are in your healing process, accept that that is where you are for now, and be gentle and patient with yourself as you progress. Treat yourself as you would treat a small child, having compassion for the most vulnerable part of yourself, and what you have been through. Practice treating yourself with loving kindness and the respect you deserve.

  1. Practice forgiveness

While holding onto anger can serve to protect us from the pain that lies beneath it, eventually, it ends up hurting us and holding us back from being free and living the life we deserve. If you are holding onto self-blame, guilt, or shame, forgive yourself for being human and vulnerable – it is not your fault. If someone has hurt or betrayed you, forgiving them does not mean you have to condone their actions or accept their behavior, it is deciding that they no longer have power over you or your future.

  1. Seek support

Isolating and withdrawing are common after a traumatic event, but it is important to stay connected to people and seek out someone safe who can support you and help you feel less alone. Speak to your family doctor about services available in your community, or seek the support of a therapist, pastor, or a support group, either in person or online.

  1. Express your feelings

Your feelings are valid and important. When you commit to doing the work of feeling and processing your feelings, you will begin to release the trauma from your body and mind. Working with a licensed therapist is one of the most effective ways to do this, and they can provide access to evidence-based treatments including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), to re-frame problematic thoughts and thought patterns, Eye-Movement and Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, where memories are processed without needing to relive the traumatic experience, and Somatic Experiencing, a body-based therapy to help release trauma held in the body.

  1. Journal

You have the power to re-write your story and determine where you go from here. Documenting your healing journey can help you process thoughts and feelings and also deepen your therapeutic work.

  1. Self-care

Taking good care of your physical health will support your mental and emotional health. Begin by eating healthy and nutritious food, getting plenty of rest, and making time for exercise. Trauma is stored in the body, so it is important to get regular exercise to help restore balance, and at the same time, vigorous exercise where the heart rate is elevated for even 20 minutes a day will help decrease anxiety and lift your mood and overall feeling of well-being.

Mindful breathing, also known as conscious breathing, can help keep you anchored in the present moment, bringing your attention back into your body when the mind wanders into the past or projects into the future.

Positive self-talk and affirmations are beneficial, too. Remind yourself that by overcoming the challenges of the past, you can face whatever life brings your way. You are stronger than you think, and having survived the past, you can now take control of the future.

  1. Have an intimate relationship with God

When we take God’s hand and walk with Him, we become more and more aware of the good and bad things we have done in our lives, we understand what we have learned, we start living and appreciating the present and let go of the past. When we have an intimate relationship with God, we ask Him for His forgiveness, and He sees our true hearts and our true intentions, if we are being honest when asking for His forgiveness. So, when we receive His forgiveness, we start forgiving ourselves and forgiving those who have harmed us.

This way, our wounds can start healing, and our present becomes a new opportunity for us to start over and think about our future.

They are very powerful tools for us to use if we want to start letting go of the past and start healing from the inside. Our well-being is important, so we have to start taking care of our present so that we can enjoy it, and, in order to succeed, we need to star making peace with our past.

Do you know any other way to start making peace with our past? Have these steps helped you? Leave your answers in the comments section. God bless you.

References

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

How to Make Peace with Your Past

by with No Comment Mental health

:Let’s talk about a subject that is very important in human life: How to make peace with your past.  When handled properly, it can be overcome, but when handled the wrong way, it can jeopardize relationships to the point of ending them and hurting people. We are talking about our past.

Why to make peace with your past

We all have had experiences that have marked us for good or for bad. Furthermore, we have good memories printed on our minds, moments, people, and places, but we all have bad memories too. They could even be traumatic ones.

Some people go through experiences we cannot even imagine, who have had difficult lives and need to process these experiences to overcome them and have a happy life. But, first, let’s see how our mind works in these scenarios.

How does your mind process traumatic experiences?

When an event overwhelms our ability to cope, either physically, mentally, or emotionally, we experience trauma, which can leave us feeling unsafe, helpless, and struggling with disturbing memories, emotions, and anxiety.

Trauma changes the way we perceive and experience the world and can have a lasting effect on the brain, affecting the behavior of people who did not previously have a mental health condition or even a predisposition to mental health issues.[1] For trauma survivors, after a disturbing or distressing event is over, the brain continues to react to the original stressor, keeping them in a constant state of hypervigilance. It is as if the mind is a soldier prepared for battle, on high alert, ready to face an enemy even though the war is over.

The symptoms of trauma

This scenario brings many symptoms that are not easy to handle. We might notice them, or we might not. The truth is that they can be there without us having the ability to relate them to what we are feeling inside, what we have in our minds, and the experiences we have dealt with. The symptoms of trauma can include:

  • intrusive thoughts,
  • anger,
  • irritability,
  • anxiety, and depression,
  • guilt or shame,
  • isolation or withdrawal from others,
  • dissociation,
  • feeling sadness or hopelessness,
  • and feeling disconnected or numb,
  • among others.

Other symptoms can reflect physically in our bodies due to what we feel in our minds. They may be immunological reactions, digestive symptoms, skin conditions, and others.

Psychological trauma causes the brain to activate mental alarm systems and defenses to protect itself from the perceived threat. The emotional response center of the brain, the amygdala, connects to the sympathetic nervous system. It is responsible for our fight, flight, or freeze response.

When the amygdala activates in response to trauma, it prepares us to escape or confront the threat or attack. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulating attention, awareness, and reasoning, is impeded by a trauma response, leading to difficulty paying attention and making decisions. Also, it impacts the hippocampus, the part of the brain associated with memory and learning, often leading to problems in those areas.

Why you should make peace with your past

Being in a constant state of fear, hypervigilance, or hyperarousal consumes a great deal of energy and focus, which can lead to mental and physical exhaustion, and potentially manifests itself as physical health issues.

Carrying trauma can impact our ability to trust others, and therefore our ability to build and maintain healthy relationships, including preventing us from fulfilling intimate relationships. While we live in the past, our memories will continue to drive behaviors that sabotage our life and hold back our freedom and the life we deserve.

However, the good news is that the brain can be re-wired to effectively heal from trauma. This malleability of the brain is called neuroplasticity. Thus, it is the ability to grow and create new healthy pathways and replace the maladaptive patterns keeping the mind in a trauma response. With the right treatment and support, you can:

  • heal your past,
  • take back control of your life,
  • and learn to feel safe mentally, physically, and emotionally.

When you make peace with your past

When you heal from past trauma, your relationships will improve, first with yourself as you restore trust and build self-confidence, and also with the people you care about. You will feel more inspired and engaged in life, ultimately living life with greater creativity, joy, meaning, and purpose.

Have you experienced any traumatic situations in your life? Do you identify with some of these symptoms? Did know that the way we process our experiences can have an impact on the way our brain and bodywork? Then, share your answers with us in the comments section. So we can all enrich our experiences when dealing with these issues. God bless you.

[1] American Psychological Association, https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2007/05/brain-function

The benefits of solitude according the Science

by with No Comment Mental health

In our last post, we talked about what solitude is, and now we will talk about the benefits of solitude. But, what does science say about solitude? Are there any scientists who have used solitude to improve their skills? Many great minds have used solitude, for example:

“I take time to go for a long walk on the beach so I can listen to what is going on inside my head. If my work is not going well, I lie down in the middle of a workday and gaze at the ceiling while I listen and visualize what goes on in my imagination.” Albert Einstein

“The mind is sharper and keener in seclusion and uninterrupted solitude. Originality thrives in seclusion, free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind. Be alone — that is the secret of invention: be alone, that is when ideas are born.” Nikola Tesla

Science talks about the benefits of solitude

In the scientific journal Nature, author Kerri Smith reviews brain research regarding the importance of solitude. In a resting “do nothing” state, the brain is not doing anything. It is completing the unconscious tasks of integrating and processing conscious experiences.

According to Ester Buchholz, a psychologist and psychoanalyst and the author of The Call of Solitude, solitude is an important  —  and normal  —  part of human existence. And it is also essential for our best creative work.

Solitude has been associated with building our identity. Individuals who practice solitude become more self-sufficient and less dependent on others. They learn to become intimate with themselves.

When practicing solitude, people avoid burnout because they rediscover their natural rhythms and align their lives accordingly. Solitude helps with problem-solving. It is widely recognized that it is often useful to get away from everything to think things through.

However, there is a catch to all of this: for solitude to be beneficial, certain preconditions must be met. Kenneth Rubin, a developmental psychologist at the University of Maryland, calls them the “ifs.” Solitude can be productive only: if it is voluntary if one can regulate one’s emotions “effectively,” if one can join a social group when desired, and if one can maintain positive relationships outside that group. When such conditions are not met, yes, solitude can be harmful.

The difference between solitude as rejuvenation and solitude as suffering is the quality of self-reflection one can generate while in it and the ability to return to social groups when one wants to.

Solitude without God is meaningless

I am not here to promote solitude as a psychological skill, but as a spiritual discipline because solitude without God is meaningless. Today’s psychologists avoid recognizing the role that solitude plays in developing the spiritual dimension of humanity.

Solitude was part of the Creator’s master plan to allow humanity to connect and worship Him. Solitude was the discipline introduced by God to allow human beings to know and to be known.

So, solitude is not a psychological theory or exercise. It is the journey of men to know their Creator. In St. Augustine’s famous statement, “Thou has made us for Thyself and the heart is restless until it finds rest in Thee.”

He was suggesting that at least part of the loneliness people experience in life is a result of the desire to connect with God. For these reasons, we believe that solitude is not just a form of loneliness, but a spiritual discipline to connect with the Living God.

The benefits of solitude in our life

This is why we seek solitude by ourselves, even when we do not know that it could benefit our relationship with God. We try to escape from all the daily noise, rush, crowded places, and places with a lot of pollution to find “peace and refreshment”.

Now, imagine what could happen if you dedicate that time to reconnecting with God. If you dedicate time to building a solid foundation for your relationship with Him. It would make a big difference, not only regarding your being, but the way you can feel God in your life. It could help you get closer to Him than you have ever been.

Solitude is a wonderful gift God has set aside for us, so we can reconnect with Him, ourselves, and others.

Do you save some time during your day to be in solitude? If you do, what would you say is the most important thing you have accomplished while in solitude? Share your answers with us in the comment section. God bless you.

Let´s know the power of solitude

by with No Comment Mental health

One of the biggest complaints I hear from my patients, and also people in general, is being overscheduled, overcommitted, and overextended, especially during this pandemic, where we are working from home. Let’s know the power of solitude, especially in these cases.

It has not been easy to set limits at home and the typical response we are hearing is “I am too busy,” “crazy,” “I am working more from home than from the office,” often said with a mixed tone of desperation and pride.

To use the power of solitude is a lost art

Even when we have time off, we are insanely busy exercising, texting, working, or watching TV. And when there are a few minutes in between all these activities, what do we do? We are constantly checking our smartphones for voice mail, missed calls, email, and our social media. I have to confess that this has been my experience many times.

Sherry Turkle, professor of Social Studies of Science and Technology at M.I.T., has interviewed hundreds of people of all ages about their daily fixations on social media and new technologies like smartphones and tablets. In a recent interview with Scientific American, Turkle stated that she is worried that there is at least one hidden cost to our addiction to technology, the loss of solitude. Turkle says:

“I do some of my fieldwork at stop signs, at checkout lines at supermarkets. Give people even a second, and they are doing something with their phone. Every bit of research says people’s ability to be alone is disappearing.”

Study shows the power of solitude

Do you remember the last time you were alone for more than 15 minutes without any distraction or noise? Are people afraid of being alone? In 2014, Science Magazine published a study performed at the University of Virginia in which several participants — a quarter of them women and two-thirds of them men — were placed in a room for fifteen minutes by themselves, and they were told to just sit there with their thoughts and an electric shocker.

These participants had previously stated that they would pay money to avoid being shocked with electricity. Even though they did not want to get an electrical shock, it was found that most of the participants placed in this room shocked themselves with the electric shocker. They did that just by spending 15 minutes in solitude. They could not handle being alone.

Furthermore, they needed to do something to feel alive. And the only thing they had in their hand was an electrical shocker. So they preferred to shock themselves than to be alone with their thoughts. We are afraid of being alone.

People are afraid of being alone because they do not know the power of solicitude

Think about this. Ever since we were in preschool or starting elementary school, we were taught to get involved with others (which is good, there is nothing wrong with getting involved with others). But how many of us were taught how to practice solitude in our daily life? We do not know how to be alone in solitude.

Humans have long stigmatized solitude. It considers it an inconvenience, something to avoid, a punishment, a realm of loners. Today, I want to rediscover the lost art of solitude, and challenge you to begin practicing this discipline in your life because it is the secret to reconnecting with God, yourself, and others.

The power of solitude

We cannot confuse loneliness with solitude because these are two completely different experiences. So, the first thing I want to do is to clarify the difference between loneliness and solitude.

Loneliness is the feeling of being alone or the lack of social connection. It is a state of deep anguish. Loneliness is the feeling of having less affection and closeness than we would desire in intimate or relational areas.

Solitude is the state of being alone without experiencing loneliness (Gorsky). It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself with enough wonderful company.

Traditionally, throughout history, the practice of solitude has been associated with a spiritual discipline. However, in the mid-seventeenth century, there was a perceptible change. It reflects in the literature and poems of the day that indicates that solitude had become more inward-focused.

Solicitude and God

Individuals sought solitude to focus on the self rather than God. When the field of psychology began to take a more prominent place in our society, solitude used as a practice not to bring people closer to God, but themselves.

However, in the Bible, we can learn how great men of God found shelter, renewal, and a deeper connection to God after learning how to spend time in solitude, time alone with the Creator.

In solitude, we can find the place, time, and inspiration that allows us to get away from the day-to-day rush and allows us to reconnect with God.

Would you like to learn more about how solitude can help you reconnect with God? Do you know any Bible stories about people who had a close encounter with God in solitude? Share your answers with us in the comments section. God bless you.

Collective grief -When we grieve as a nation

by with No Comment Mental health

This year has been a time in which we have all lost something in our lives. What can we do when we grieve as a nation? We are experiencing what is called collective grief. What does that mean? Collective grief happens when a community, society, village, or nation experiences extreme change or loss. This was our experience throughout 2020 with COVID-19.

Many people are dealing with individual losses this year, such as illnesses, death, unemployment, losing their freedom, the sense of predictability, control, justice, and losing the belief that we can protect our loved ones. But even if you have not lost any of these things, as a community, we are experiencing collective grief because when our neighbor suffers, we all suffer and grieve too. We are human beings, and we feel the impact of other people’s pain.

Things to consider as we grieve

  • Grief is natural: it is about turning inward, recalibrating, and thinking about how we need to adapt to the situation.
  • Also, grief is transient: the process is not linear.
  • Grief is an individual experience: we all grieve differently from each other.

Physical symptoms of grief

  • Fatigue
  • Nausea
  • Lowered immunity
  • Weight loss or weight gain
  • Aches and pains
  • Insomnia

Stages of grieving (Davidsen-Nielsen)

  1. Accepting that the loss is a reality
  2. Entering into the emotions of grief
  3. Acquiring new skills
  4. Reinvesting energy in new ways

How to deal with grieving

  • Face your feelings
  • Express your feelings in a tangible way
  • Do not let anyone tell you how to feel, and do not tell yourself how to feel either
  • Take care of your physical health
  • Plan ahead for grief “triggers”
  • If grief does not go away, seek professional help