Fear, shame, and uncertainty: all those words describe the feelings of someone who suffers or has suffered emotional abuse. Those who have been through traumatic experiences because of a partner or ex-partner often keep silent about their past and do not express their fears, for fear of being judged and not understood.
We live in a society that is so disconnected from its emotions, and so far from educational resources about emotional abuse, that a victim often does not even know they are being abused.
In my experience, abusers are also able to say that they love their partners, to pay attention to them, and to be helpful at certain moments of the relationship. But abusers can use these acts to subdue and confuse the victim.
An abuser will not resort to physical violence every day, but could commit other forms of abuse such as offending, manipulation, and threats. All of these damage the victim’s mental health. Recovery is possible, but it requires the necessary help. How do you identify a victim? How can you help a partner or a loved one who is a victim? To get these answers, it is necessary to delve into the subject.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that uses verbal and mental means to control, isolate, degrade, and devalue a person. Emotional abuse can occur in countless situations and contexts. The first image that comes to mind is likely a romantic relationship, but abuse can also take the form of workplace bullying and cyberbullying, among others.
In these cases, physical violence is not necessary to hurt a person. Emotional abuse is used to manipulate him/her, to invade his/her personal space, and the abuser turns to insults to show his/her intentions. The effects often do not end when the relationship ends. Many survivors carry fear and a habit of keeping “secrets” for a long time, which can make it harder to trust and open up in a new relationship, though this can change with support.
How does emotional abuse begin?
There is no specific time when emotional abuse starts. It can appear suddenly. This is why it causes surprise, and why people often believe it is a temporary stage the relationship is going through.
It is common for abusers to act normally at first. Some abusers invest a considerable amount of effort into being a “perfect” person, behaving especially loving or caring.
Offering a lot of praise, or asking to see the other person all the time, is often part of the pattern. The idea is to create the feeling that they are two against the world. But eventually, the abuse appears as the relationship is established, making leaving or breaking off the relationship more complicated.
Once the idea that they are only two people in the world is implanted, the victim, who will have been isolated from his/her family and friends, will be left without resources or other objective perspectives on his/her life.
Examples of emotional abuse
Emotional abuse is subtle in its beginning. No one is attracted to being abused. So, hidden signs and a feeling of discomfort can mark the beginning of a dangerous situation. Some examples of emotional abuse are:
Privacy fading
An abuser will want to be with their victim all the time, round-the-clock. The contact has to be frequent and will escalate from being harmless, such as seeing each other constantly, to demands to know phone, email, and social network passwords. The abuser will give excuses based on trust. And the victim will give in for fear of jeopardizing the relationship or to avoid more conflicts and show that he/she has nothing to hide.
Extreme jealousy
Jealousy in a couple is normal behavior to some extent. However, when jealousy is constant, unjustified, and generates conflicts, it is a problem and a warning sign. People are supposed to feel loved and be happy in relationships, not unhappy.
Isolation from family and friends
Abusers separate victims from the people who care about them, the same people who could see what is happening because they are not the victims.
Control
The abuser’s need for power is rarely satisfied because he/she will always need more of it. Control may start with suggesting not going to a certain place or not doing a certain activity, but it can escalate until he/she controls the finances and how the money is spent. It can also go to the extreme of preventing the person from working or going to doctor’s appointments. Deciding what to wear or what to eat for another person are other behaviors that show a need for control.
Verbal humiliation
Words have power, and just as they are capable of uplifting the spirit and showing appreciation for the surrounding beauty, they are also capable of doing the exact opposite, destroying it. Insults about being useless, or relating to intelligence, ability, physical appearance, and other characteristics will hurt, and scar the victims’ minds.
Threats
Threats are an unpleasant extreme, and they make it harder to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Some abusers threaten to hurt themselves if the person leaves. Others threaten to kill their partner or to take their own life. A threat to kill, or to die by suicide, must always be taken seriously. If there is immediate danger, call 911. If your partner talks about hurting themselves, call or text 988 with them, or call 911 if the danger is immediate. If you are being threatened, a domestic violence advocate can help you plan for your safety. You are not responsible for another person’s threats or choices, and you do not have to carry them alone.
The negative effects of emotional abuse
Emotional abuse does not only cause short-term damage while it is happening. It can touch the mind deeply, and it can affect how a person trusts in future relationships.
Manipulation and control
Some people who abuse show a pattern of control and contempt that is often called “narcissistic abuse”. This is a popular term, not a diagnosis. Abusive behavior alone does not mean a person has narcissistic personality disorder; only a professional assessment of that person can tell. What matters most for you is what happens in your relationship: the pattern of control, humiliation, and fear, and what it is doing to you.
Many survivors describe an intense attachment to the person who hurt them, often called a trauma bond. Even after they get away, they may feel, to some extent, that part of who they really were has been taken from them. Many survivors find that, with support, they can rebuild trust and a sense of self. To accomplish this, it helps to acknowledge what happened and to be open with people you trust and with a professional.
Recognizing emotional abuse and getting support
Emotional abuse is never the victim’s fault. If you are afraid of your partner, or if there are threats, you can contact the hotlines listed below. In summary, an emotionally abused person may experience feelings of:
- self-blame,
- regret,
- loneliness, and
- abandonment in the short term.
These feelings are common reactions to being mistreated. They do not mean that you did something wrong. In the long term, some survivors fear getting into another harmful relationship or find it hard to trust, which can make love feel risky. Healing is possible with support. And this applies not only to loving another person, but to loving yourself and seeing yourself as a person with the ability to move on.
Do you know someone who may be living this, or is some of this your own story, and who is one safe person you could talk to this week? Please do not share health or personal details in the comments; use the options below instead.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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