Self-judgment is the opposite of self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a widely recognized researcher of self-compassion, self-compassion means giving ourselves the same kindness and care that we would give to a good friend.
As Neff describes it, self-compassion also includes realizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, rather than something that sets us apart. To understand compassion, though, kindness needs to be considered first, because compassion alludes to kindness.
To err is human. Jesus was a man, a man who lived here on earth, breathed our air, and felt our pain. He embraced all the attributes of God, and He had compassion for His people.
We are moved to speak of a Savior who suffered for the world, giving His life for us because He was moved by compassion. His gift of salvation moves us lovingly to live and act compassionately.
Why self-compassion is so difficult
When we find ourselves in situations that cause us anger or stress and make us lose control over our words or actions, it is possible to react without thinking. Unfortunately, a quick reaction can lead to mistakes. Looking to justify our lack of control or our weakness, we quickly judge or blame ourselves or others.
We can all experience distressing moments at any time, and we can end up not only suffering a great deal but also criticizing others, or ourselves, even more harshly.
Self-compassion can help us
The good news is that self-compassion can help us and others in many ways. First, to practice self-compassion, you have to be kind to yourself. Acting kindly and understandingly toward yourself means having the confidence to say to yourself, “It’s okay that I made a mistake. I did the best I could with what I knew, and I won’t judge myself harshly for it.”
Intentionally find ways to be kind to yourself. When you feel that you have failed, look for the warmth and support of your inner voice. For many believers, this is a good moment to invite the presence of the Holy Spirit and to remember God’s mercy. Try a short, kind sentence that uses affirming words.
Other common ways to be kind to yourself include spending time with yourself. Now and then, spend some time doing something that brings health and joy, such as a hobby.
Hobbies give people a chance to decompress and relax. They allow us to free ourselves from stress while remaining mentally engaged.
Be careful to give yourself the same care and kindness that you would give to others. Whenever you run into frustrations, failures, and disappointments, treat yourself with kindness and forgive yourself first.
How to show self-compassion
When we fail, we judge ourselves quickly. Self-judgment is the opposite of self-compassion. Self-compassion, remember, begins with kindness to yourself. As Christians, when we fail and make mistakes, God forgives us. Likewise, God calls us to forgive others and to treat others as we would like to be treated. How are you treating yourself? How are you treating others? Are these in agreement? Are you treating yourself and others with compassion and kindness?
To forgive yourself, mental health counselors often recommend that their clients focus on acknowledging their present emotions. They also encourage clients to acknowledge the mistake and then restate it out loud as a learning experience. One element to keep in mind is recognizing self-criticism and replacing it with a realistic view of yourself.
Another aspect of self-compassion is treating ourselves as we would treat a good friend. It is good to have friends, especially those who encourage you, do not blame you, and restore you.
A 2017 study led by William Chopik at Michigan State University, which surveyed 271,053 adults, found that valuing friendships was related to better health and well-being, especially among older adults. It is good to have good friends who build you up and with whom you share joy. Likewise, it is important to be a good friend to ourselves.
Even more, it is wonderful to be a friend of Jesus: “I have called you friends,” Jesus said (John 15:15, NIV). He knows how wonderfully we were made: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14, NIV). Jesus was sensitive to the needs of all people. Let us also be sensitive to our own needs and to the needs of others. By being compassionate toward yourself, you can become even more compassionate toward others.
Self-compassion is a practice, not a cure-all. If harsh self-criticism, sadness, or hopelessness are with you most days, please talk with a professional.
Test your level of self-compassion here!
What would you say to a good friend who was carrying the same mistake you are carrying today? Can you say it to yourself?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
- Chopik, W. J. (2017). Associations among relational values, support, health, and well-being across the adult lifespan. Personal Relationships, 24, 408-422.
- Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV).
- Article by Kate-J.Life, M.Ed., MHFA.
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