Positive parenting: 5 tips to be a more positive parent

by with One Comment Parenting

Under the principles of Positive Parenting, we will have three main goals for our children: to transmit our Christian values, to prepare them for adult life, and to guarantee their safety, including their health.

These are purposes any parent can easily identify with, as it is our mission to protect and educate our children. However, the relationship with your child may be at a delicate point or maybe a relationship in which you feel that he/she is moving away from you.

If you think this is your case, do not be afraid because I assure you that there is a solution. This is where Positive Parenting will help you make him/her feel better and act better. It will even have the same effect on you.

Positive parenting: It all starts with you

Before I start giving you tips on applying Positive Parenting in your home, I want to clarify a very important point. In order for the lessons of positive parenting to have the desired effect, you need to be the first one to work on it.

How can you do this? The first thing you must do is commit to regulating your own emotions. We are so immersed in our own conflicts that we let them affect our children when they should not.

The second thing is to be committed to and prioritize the father-child or mother-child connection. If you forget the commitments you made, why should a child respect them? You lead, you set the example. They cooperate and follow your lead.

Thirdly, the love and affection you give your children should never, I repeat, never be paused as a form of punishment; nor as a way of controlling or manipulating. You are there to be a guide, to be a coach; who, regardless of what happens, will continue to care about what happens to your children.

Tips for practicing Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting values reflection, fluid communication, and, above all, love between parents and children. But how do I apply all this in my family? Here are some tips that I know you will find very useful:

1.    Evaluate all the teachings you are giving them

Applying Positive Parenting is much more than just committing to not yelling at your child when he or she misbehaves. It is more, much more than that. It requires restructuring your relationship. You need to carefully evaluate all the behaviors you have with your children based on whether it strengthens or weakens your relationship with them.

Considering that strengthening bonds is your main focus, think of your disciplinary strategy as the most effective way to tighten your relationship with them. When a child feels attached to his or her parents, it will be natural for him or her to want to please them.

Instead of punishing, it is your job to guide them to obey the limits you set. An important detail when setting limits is that you have to be realistic about their abilities. Do not forget to be empathetic with them and help them focus on improving their behavior.

Be careful with punishments because it has been proven that they only generate resentment and prolong bad behaviors.

2.    Teach them to regulate their emotions

It is their lack of experience and level of development that makes it so easy for children to be controlled by their emotions. For them, there is no way to identify what they are feeling or why they behave a certain way sometimes.

But you, as a parent, do have the answers. And by having them, it is your duty to explain them to your children according to their level of understanding. Let them know that they are able to control themselves and improve their behaviors.

3.    Corrections should always reaffirm your connection

Children tend to misbehave when they feel bad about themselves or when they are disconnected from us. That is why it is so vital to reaffirm how connected we are, so they feel confident enough to talk about what is bothering them or to be honest with you when they misbehave, and also, to listen to your suggestions.

For example, if your younger child pushes your older one, stand at their level and talk to them while looking into their eyes. You can tell them as you take this position: “You do not have to push your brother. Pushing is wrong, you can hurt him or cause him to fall. Next time, ask him to move and say please.”

Or if you know that your daughter ate all the cookies in the kitchen, instead of accusing her in front of the whole family, take a moment alone, put your hand on her shoulder and say something like: “Are you afraid to tell me about the cookies? You know you can tell me everything.”

4.    Set limits, but with empathy

Applying Positive Parenting in your home does not mean forgetting about limits. On the contrary, they are still very necessary. However, they must be set with empathy. As an authority figure, it is your duty to enforce the rules. But, enforcing them is easier if the children know that their parents understand them and would not do things for the worse.

Think about this, if my mom imposes limits on me that does not make sense or hurt me, will I trust her? You will not, regardless of how obedient you are. Following this principle, the next time you impose limits, add sentences that validate your children’s feelings.

For example, if you tell your children to go to bed early, let them know that you understand how sad it makes them, but how necessary it is for them to do it. Or if they are afraid to face their guilt, explain to them that being afraid is normal and that it is more important to always tell the truth.

When there are physical fights between siblings, I advise you to intervene immediately; but once the conflict is neutralized, it will be time to empathize with both parties. Emphasize that hitting is not the solution and that problems can be solved more easily by talking.

5.    The way you treat your children will be the way they learn to treat themselves

Have you ever wondered why children from strict parents believe so little in themselves? It is because the way our parents treat us in our childhood will be the way we see ourselves in the future as adults.

That said, you have great power in your hands. If you are hard on them, they will be hard on themselves, but if you are too permissive with them, they will be too permissive with themselves. The best option is to simply set appropriate boundaries, express them with love, and let them develop more positive self-perceptions.

When you discipline harshly, ironically, you are not raising perfect little soldiers, you are raising children who will not know how to discipline themselves. They will not know how to regulate themselves, they will not be independent and they will be unhappy. Unhappy children who will grow up to be unhappy adults.

Discipline them constructively, understand them, love them, and let them know that Our Lord is with us always, taking care of us.

If you need professional help, do not hesitate to call 407 618 0212.

Discovering Positive Parenting: keys and benefits

by with One Comment Parenting

. They also kwowOne of the highest priorities we have as parents is positive parenting. It is a parenting principle that assumes that children born with the desire to do the right thing to establish a good relationship with them.

How you relate to them will influence their mental health and self-control. It will even influence their ability to create meaningful relationships with others.

Today, parents are encouraged to discard yelling as a way to correct their children. They are replacing it with more efficient explanations, rewards, and limits. This kind of approach, more patient and sensitive to their emotional resources, is known as Positive Parenting.

But what does it entail? Do you know how to apply it and why? I would like to tell you more about it.

What is Positive Parenting?

Positive Parenting assumes that children are born with the desire to “do the right thing.” For that reason, mutual respect is key, along with the use of positive methods of discipline. Likewise, it is better to invest time in teaching proper behavior in the future than to waste it punishing past misbehavior.

It is not a new parenting method. It was introduced in the United States in the 1920s by the Viennese psychiatrists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. As is evident, many years have passed, and Positive Parenting strategies have been improved over time.

I have seen repeatedly that modern parents raised with strict rules and violent punishments see Positive Parenting as an answer. An answer to escape from this “chain” of actions. As well as a way to educate their children differently. A way that corresponds to their values and beliefs.

Fortunately, parents who are sensitive to their children’s needs are becoming more and more common in our society. Knowing what they need, according to their growth and development stages, and their temper will help you get closer to them.

Keys to know regarding Positive Parenting 

Positive Parenting promotes children’s personal development through various mechanisms. Not only that, but it also helps in their pro-social development. What happens is that by being raised under its principles, children will be able to regulate their emotions in a better way and focus their temper on more patient and productive tendencies.

All the results obtained through positive parenting are long-term, so, the abilities they can obtain thanks to this parenting style will accompany them until they get to other stages of their life, for example, improving the way they solve their problems in their adolescence.

Tools for Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting uses more tools and presents more results when applied at home. These are some of its main keys:

  • Leadership and confidence: Positive Parenting encourages both teaching and leadership in children, and these same values boost their confidence, as they perceive themselves as more independent beings with the power to make good decisions by themselves.
  • Communication and social skills: Also, with this parenting style, positive communication is often used as a resource that will favor social skills in children. Therefore, it will improve their relationships with playmates, schoolmates, and caregivers.
  • Self-esteem: By giving your children a warm upbringing, you will be giving them the power of decision and with this, their self-confidence will increase significantly.
  • Autonomy and creativity: By giving them the freedom they need to assert their tastes and preferences, you are providing them with something invaluable: autonomy. Growing up in a home where they have responsibilities and rights promotes empowerment and self-determination, as well as creativity.

In general, there are many aspects of Positive Parenting that nurture desirable behaviors in our children. As Christian parents, this parenting style is highly recommended due to the respect, understanding, the principle of love that it supports.

God does not want our homes to be battlefields, but a refuge to learn from His Word, and to strengthen what is most essential in this life — family.

Benefits of Positive Parenting

Raising your children with these principles will lead to several benefits that may not be obvious to you at this time. But they will become evident little by little as you apply them.

It should be noted that there is no specific age to apply Positive Parenting. You can do it once they take their first steps or much later in life if you just recently learned of its existence.

What are the benefits of Positive Parenting, then?

Fewer behavioral problems

Positive Parenting encourages children’s emotional growth. Meaning, that they will manage their feelings in a better way, and with this, they will not feel the need to misbehave to get your attention or misbehave as a form of protest.

It creates a more empathetic relationship between adults and children. It is quite the opposite of punitive parenting, which is very capable of causing behavioral problems. That parenting style makes parents look cold and distant. The little ones will perceive it as a sign of disinterest or even engender hatred, and problems will continue.

A better relationship between parents and children

Positive parents do not use yelling or hostile behaviors to correct their children’s misbehavior. Their dynamics are very different and are based on mutual respect and open communication.

Through Positive Parenting, it is possible to sit down and talk about what they did wrong, without the need for your children to fear you or shy away from facing their faults.

Mental well-being

High self-esteem is a direct product of this parenting style because with the messages you convey to them. You will be letting them that they are capable and intelligent enough to make their own decisions.

A confident child who is not afraid of “screwing something up”. He will grow up more resilient with a healthier mindset, capable of overcoming adversities. So, they know they have the power to do so. They also know that their parents will back them up regardless of what happened.

Other benefits such as better school performance and social competence cannot go unmentioned.

Need professional help? Do not hesitate to call 407 618 0212.

What can you do to correct your children’s bad behavior?

by with No Comment Parenting

From the day we are born, we have many needs. In order for us to become emotionally and psychologically healthy adults, these needs must be met. From a very early age, we need to feel that our parents love us, that they are giving us a secure attachment to them, that they pay attention to us, and that we are important in their lives. But, sometimes, children are not given the attention necessary for healthy emotional and physical growth and this has both short- and long-term consequences.

When our children feel the need to get our attention because they feel it is lacking, they go through four stages: trying to gain attention, power, revenge, and finally, showing inadequacy. Although stages three and four are worrying, the positive part is that most children are in stages one and two, so disciplining them can correct bad behaviors.

However, first consider what discipline is. Real discipline focuses on the bad behavior itself, not the children. The focus should be on presenting consequences for those behaviors.

Regarding this matter, Dr. Kevin Leman’s book “Why Your Kids Misbehave — and What to Do about It” talks about seven principles of real discipline that may be helpful.

These seven principles are:

Realize that your goal is to have healthy authority over your children

The authority you have over your children must be healthy, patient, and educational. I am not talking about selfish, vengeful, and controlling behavior. Our children are our mirrors, so good examples lead to good human beings. Try to let God guide you in times when your own negative feelings dominate you.

Hold your children accountable for their actions

Show your children that they are responsible for their actions and show them that you have respect for them. Never do something for your child that he/she can do for himself/herself. That homework he/she does not want to do is HIS/HER responsibility, not YOURS. That punishment or time out he/she earned in school for disrespecting a teacher is HIS/HER responsibility, not YOURS.

Be attentive to the teaching moments

Spontaneous teaching moments are always there and will change depending on the child’s age. If, for example, your child does not come down to eat when you ask him/her to do so, and he/she tries to do it one hour later, mention to him/her that lunchtime is over, and that he/she needs to wait a little longer until snack time.

Let reality be the teacher

Reality is the crudest teacher of all. It is the one that teaches with small punches, that sometimes, we, as parents, do not want our children to receive as we fear they will get hurt. That is a big mistake. They must be able to understand what the consequences of their failures are. That includes “small things” like not tidying up their room, or not washing the dishes after eating.

Use actions, not just words, and stick to them:

Children copy what you do, so you have to start being an example for them. Actions speak louder than words, and maintaining action will lead your child to positive behavior.

Choose your battles carefully

All children are different, some of them will be more prone to certain affinities, while others are attracted to other things. So, as a parent, do not focus your attention on dealing with small things, focus on those bigger changes. What is more important, the color of the shoes that your child wants to wear or what will he/she spends his/her free time on?

Remember that relationships come before rules

We live in a world full of rules, but before those is the relationship you have with your child. Your children are your priority in life, and their well-being is all that matters when disciplining them.

One last thought

Take time to forgive because before you realize it, your child will turn 18, and you will not be able to reach him/her the same way you could when he/she was a child.

Therefore, my final advice is that you value these precious moments, that you always seek God’s guidance, get closer to your children, respect them, and make their decision-making power to count. But do it by preserving and imposing healthy limits that prepare him/her to live his/her life on his/her own in the not-too-distant future.

By following these recommendations, we will be shaping emotionally and psychologically balanced children. With them, we can have an emotional bond, full of love and understanding. Children need real discipline that builds a good foundation for their growth process. They also need guides and helps them follow the path to being balanced and happy adults.

These adults will form healthy and loving bonds with their own children, since this is what they learned in their own homes. God wants us to build happy and loving homes.

Is it possible to apply these seven principles? Do you think applying them will be difficult? Do you think that putting them into practice could improve your children’s behavior and your relationship with them? Share your opinions with us in the comments section of this post so the way we can enrich our experiences as parents. God bless you.

Why does my child misbehave when he/she wants my attention?

by with No Comment Parenting

Previously, we talked about the importance of love and attachment in parenting. The enormous influence that these aspects have on the child will help them when they become adults with interpersonal relationships and even their perception of reality. There are many studies that support and prove the importance of both love and attachment.

Going deeper on this point, Bowen’s attachment theory on emotional connection shows us that the family functions as an organism, where everything that happens to one member will affect the others. When parents are not present enough or do not give them enough attention, the children will go into despair and develop an insecure attachment style.

But I do love my children unconditionally!

Parental love is inexhaustible, that is how God wanted it and that is how it is. However, love does not imply or guarantee that you will be a good mother or father. I see this all the time In my talks with my patients, fathers and mothers who would give their lives for their children, but still have children who lack attention and who have an insecure attachment style.

Why is this happening to you? You may need to dig into your own past to understand the reason for your unconscious behaviors. The emotional dynamics that you experienced with your parents will be the same one that you will replicate with your children. If your parents always gave you attention, love, and care, it is most likely that in a natural and unconscious way, that is what you are giving to your children.
On the contrary, if you were a boy or a girl who did not experience that, then, how can you give something that you do not know? In that case, you will be clueless about how to provide a stable emotional connection. If you do not get help regarding this matter, chances are that you will repeat the story.

Exploring your memories

Our past influences our present, especially unresolved issues. Regarding this matter, I recommend the book “Parenting From the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzwell. Through this book, you will be able to understand how your own childhood has made you who you are today.

Since most of our responses are related to our memory, our brains are able to respond to experiences by altering the connections between neurons, as well as the brain structure that creates memories, which shapes our identity. In fact, memory is how the brain responds to experiences and creates new brain connections. These brain connections will be either implicit or explicit.

Implicit memory generates responses to behaviors, emotions, and perceptions. These are non-verbal memories that will be there throughout our entire life. This also involves non-verbal models. For example, if a baby is comforted by his mother when he is distressed, he, while growing up, will associate comfort with his mother. This is why the mother is considered a figure of well-being and security. When experiences occur repeatedly, they will be embedded in our lives. The most amazing thing about implicit memory is that the person does not feel that he/she is remembering something when using it. He/she will not even be aware of it.

So, when you experience a certain behavior towards your children that you cannot explain, you need to explore your memories and make connections. Emotions, beliefs, perceptions, all of these may be getting in your way without you even realizing it.

Authoritarian parents vs. permissive parents

Do you feel the need to be overly demanding with your children with regards to their studies or hobbies? If so, what were your parents’ demands like when you were a child?
Another situation, do you think that physical punishment is the right way to correct your children’s misbehavior? How did your parents reprimand you?
We are capable of breaking the cycle of this type of behavior. But first we need to find a balance between giving and not giving. There are two opposite types of parenting that are not appropriate, controlling parents and permissive parents.
Women tend to be more permissive, giving excessively, while men tend to be more controlling, they do not give excessively. Both authoritarian and permissive parents are more alike than you might think. These parents choose for their children when they should be teaching their children how to choose according to their age.

The 4 strategies our children use to get attention

Children are able to analyze and develop games in relation to the way you respond to their actions. After all, you are their biggest role model, so children will be making notes in their heads on how to get what they want, whenever they want.

They also know how to use the perks or advantages and how to push buttons whenever is needed. That is why, as a parent, you cannot lose the advantage you have and you need to get the most out of it. Children react according to the social environment they grow up in. Regardless of the type of environment, they will adapt to it.

Turning to the teachings of Alfred Adler, his student, Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, organized the four goals children have when they manifest bad behaviors. For each objective, a series of misbehavior are shown. Also, all of these goals are sequential, that is, if one is not addressed, the next one will follow.

Attention

Every child wants his/her parents’ attention. But the problem with this kind of attention is that it needs to be gained, no matter how. Their mantra is: “I only count when others notice me and serve me.”
How do you detect children who just desperately want your attention? Simple. Those are the children who do not let their mother talk on the phone and demand her time, or the girls clinging to their parents’ legs, not letting them focus on something else.

They are also the children who are constantly in trouble at school for mischief, over and over again. They know it, but for them, continuing with this type of behavior is inevitable. Furthermore, they may stop for a few moments, but then they will come back even with more strength. If you are a permissive parent, you will most likely ask for more time, so you can finish your phone call. If you are authoritarian, you will scold him/her due to his/her misbehavior.

Power

If your child cannot get your attention, he/she will try to do it through power. His motto this time will be: “I only count when I dominate and control, when others do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it.”
How do these little ones act when seeking power? They are the children who throw tantrums, refusing to obey their parents. They are the children who yell offensive words at their parents, or tell them that they are not their “bosses.”

The thing with these children is that repressing them will only stimulate their desire to have more power. If you tell them not to do something, they will do it only because they want to win at any cost. Anything you do will increase their response. Angry responses are very common when facing these attitudes, but they are not helpful either.

Revenge

If, as a parent, you do not respond the way they want you to respond to their need for power, their mantra will be: “I only count if I can hurt others the way they have hurt me.”
They already know that they have no real power, so they try to get their revenge with negative behaviors.

This is a stage that needs to be reached, so these are preteens or teenagers who take “rebelliousness” to another level. They are the children who create fake accounts on social networks to hurt other people, or the son who stole and crashed his father’s car because he felt the car was more important to the father than his own son. It is even the children who threaten to hurt themselves to make others feel bad. This stage is characterized by wanting to hurt others.

If you are a permissive parent, you will either feel like a victim or extremely guilty, while authoritarian parents will want to show their own power or revenge, continuing the cycle, and the only way to stop it is for parents do something that favors the healing process.

Assumed inadequacy

When you continue to feed your child’s thirst for revenge, he/she will get tired. At this point, he/she will realize that what he/she does will not be enough to get your attention, and he/she will have already internalized how “stupid or useless” he/she is.

Furthermore, he/she will understand that he/she does not belong anywhere, or that there is no purpose in his/her life. Their mantra will be: “I am not good. Nobody believes that I have any value. I cannot do anything right, so why bother doing anything? I give up.” This stage is characterized by wanting to hurt themselves.

These are the young introverts who are unable to socialize, work in a team, and who prefer solitude to company. The adults who grow up with no attachment to their parents, away from concepts like love, understanding, and from God. Parents do not know what to do, and they end giving up. The bond is broken, and it only remains as a reminder that this situation can happen again at any time in the next generation.

These four aspects should be of interest to us as parents. It is not easy to analyze our memories, to delve into experiences, but if we do, we will start on the right foot our way to healing our relationship with our children, and we will be heading towards the possibility of enjoying happiness in our family bonds. That is the plan that God has for us as families, that we enjoy love and happiness with those around us.
Were you aware of these four goals that children use to get the attention they crave so much? Have you ever felt their effect on your relationship with your children? I invite you to share your experience and your opinions with us in the comments section of our post. God bless you.

What is the root of your child’s misbehavior?

by with No Comment Parenting

Everything has a beginning, so it is no surprise that children’s misbehavior has one too. Often disguised as “mischief” or “tantrums,” the little ones begin to show poor behaviors or act in undesirable ways, upsetting and frustrating their parents and caregivers.

Parents continually tell me about their offspring’s aggressive behaviors when seeking professional help, desperately trying to find magic solutions or simple answers to stop the snowball that has been growing. But honestly, there is no single, easy answer.

So, if you find your two-year-old daughter sticking her fingers into the electrical outlets or your five-year-old son throws his toys when he does not want to go to kindergarten, or the school calls because your ten-year-old boy is bullying other students, this will not be the end of it.

Misbehavior appears at a very early age, and it does not stop until we, as parents, can put an end to it. Something may seem small to you today and you may assume it will disappear as your child grows up, but it probably won’t. What seems to tiring to correct today will probably continue, getting worse and affecting the child’s social development, which will follow them as adolescents and then adults.

It is time to take action as parents. However, to act, it is essential to know the root of the problem. So, I hope I can help you understand how you could be wasting valuable time that could be used to help your children become good men and women in the future.

Why is your child misbehaving?

Everything has a consequence in life, please keep this in mind. That reckless little girl who placed her fingers where she was not supposed to place them, in the future, could be someone clueless or forgetful. The same happens with the child who does not want to go to class or the one who causes problems at school.

You must understand that these are behaviors that must be stopped before they escalate in severity, but it takes us to the same dilemma — why do children behave like this? Are they unaware? Do they do it unintentionally? Perhaps my answer will surprise you, but, children are more intelligent than you think.

The root of the problem

To understand what I mean, we need to delve into the term purposive behavior, or intentional behavior. According to psychiatrist Alfred Adler, all social behavior will lead to a specific purpose. He believed that people do not act randomly, human behavior does not exist without a reason that explains it. It is a chain of actions that will work so that certain objectives can be achieved.

While individuals may not be aware of the link between goals and behaviors, the link is still there, it still exists, and it affects their behavior.

With all this in mind, the initial question remains: why do children behave this way? The intention behind the behavior is to get our attention. If you do not think that children use our attention as some kind of secret weapon, consider the following approach: you perform an action and the action fulfills a purpose, would you not repeat the action? Of course, you would, over and over again until it stops generating results. This logical sequence is the same one child follows, even at a young age.

Why do our children seek our attention?

When a child comes out of his/her mother’s womb, he/she will do so yearning to feel loved and accepted. And for this, he/she will need attention. But, such attention, according to ethologist Konrad Lorenz, is derived from a biological need. It is demonstrated through the principle of imprinting.

Imprinting refers to rapid learning that occurs in a critical phase of life. It is explained through the famous experiment with ducklings. When a duckling is born, it will consider the animal or object it sees first as its “mother.” It may see the mother right after, but it will not consider it to be its mother.

Attachment to the mother figure is explained by the need to survive in this world. The first source of love, security, and teaching on how to feed. Ducks and humans, as strange as it may sound, are similar since infants are inseparable from their mothers during lactation.

Children need attention

Every little piece of attention is absorbed by babies in those months, they practically become sponges. And, later, they will copy the behaviors that were demonstrated. At this stage, children are shapeable by:

  • good examples,
  • the love has given to them and,
  • above all, the positive attention that is given to them,
  • as well as the education.

This is why a child can learn a second language more easily in his/her first years of life. Likewise, we must understand that we were created to experience social connections. So, when a mother or father does not pay attention to their children, they will need and seek it at all costs.

This is due to they are experiencing a lack of acceptance, understanding, and love. Although at first sight, they act as though they are repelled by displays of affection. Or our presence, they will always be grateful for it within themselves.

Remember that everything created by God is interconnected. We were created in His image and likeness, and we are designed to live in a community. As it is in a community w can create transcendental bonds, allowing us to live a more stable and peaceful life.

The importance of the attention

It is extremely important to know the emotional and psychological basis that comprises the foundation of the individuals in our society. The experiences we live at an early age will determine our perception of reality as adults. And therefore our actions in each situation or challenge that we face throughout our lives. God wants us to be happy adults. It has always been His plan that we have interpersonal relationships that fill us with happiness. He wants us to have a full and happy relationship with Him.

I ask you then, did you know these concepts? Do you consider that experiences you lived throughout your childhood have determined your actions in the present? Share your answers and your opinion with us in the comments section of this post. God bless you.

What do I do if my child is looking at pornography?

by with No Comment Parenting

Marta is a mother who called me some time ago. There was anguish and despair in her voice. Between sobs I could hear: “I am a failure as a mother,” “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” “My son is addicted to pornography and it’s my fault.” After reassuring her and asking her to explain what was happening, she was able to tell me about her experience.

Her son is 13 years old. He has been receiving online classes via Zoom at home throughout the pandemic. The mother was initially able to stay with him at home to supervise him, but after two months of isolation, she had to return to work while her son stayed home taking his classes online.

Clues for the mother whose child was looking pornography

At first, the teenager commented that he was very happy to receive the online classes. However, it seems that as time passed, and he realized the complexity of his situation: not being able to play with his friends and feeling that online classes were boring. He began to reject the Zoom classes, to the point that he preferred to stay in bed for most of the morning.

But, things took another turn when her son shared his situation with a classmate, and was waiting for the activity that kept him from being bored — seeing a man and a woman having sex. Pornography.

Immediately, the boy began to visit web pages with pornographic content. Thus, while he had Zoom open in one window on his computer, in the other, he was watching pornography.

Marta realized what was happening when one day when she couldn’t go to work and entered her son’s room without warning. She watched what he was doing in horror as she listened to the teacher giving the class. Furious and outraged, she turned off the computer and began beating the teenager for it.

Her son, who was also confused and ashamed, did nothing but say he would not do it anymore, as the mother took her anger and frustration out on him. One day after this incident, Marta called me and said, “I am a failure as a mother,” and she proceeded to tell me her story, and questioned whether she acted correctly.

Statistics about children and pornography

In 2015, C.S Mott Children’s Hospital said that cybersecurity ranks fourth among the most worrisome issues for children today. According to TopTenReviews.com, the average age of the first exposure to pornography is 11 years old.

Also, according to LDSLiving.com, 79 percent of young people who were intentionally exposed to pornography were exposed from their homes. As we can see, these statistics are alarming.

So this issue is an epidemic that we need to talk about more often. Sooner or later, other parents will face a situation similar to Marta’s story. The question is: What should a parent do if his / her child is looking at pornography?

When Their Children are looking Pornography

Many parents make the following mistakes when they realize that their sons or daughters have been exposed to pornographic content:

Using shame as punishment

A large majority of parents believe that shaming their children for watching pornographic material is a good way to get them to change their behavior. But studies prove the opposite. Children who are embarrassed may eventually come to see themselves as bad people, rather than good people who made wrong decisions. This shame even leads children to hide their behavior instead of getting the help they need in this situation.

Taking away the children’s access to technology

While we believe that setting limits and punishments is very important in raising minors, it is imperative to also understand that we need to be sensitive to modern online culture, the one our children were born into. Taking away all access to technology can result in isolation. Therefore, this solution can become a problem because the opposite of addiction is being disconnected from your environment.

Seeing yourself as a failure

In my therapy sessions, I meet parents who base their identity on their perceived success as parents. They view their children’s negative behavior as a reflection of their ability as mother or father figures. But the truth is that your children’s negative actions not define you are as a parent.

Making assumptions

The first thing Marta, the mother in today’s story, did was assume the worst about her son. She said: “My son is addicted to pornography, he is going to become a sexual predator. He will be a failure in life.”

These negative reactions don’t help your son or daughter understand the consequences of their negative decision. What they will do is distance him/her from you, and close the door of communication.

If your son / daughter believes they cannot talk to you about their struggles in life, who do you think is going to educate them about their sexuality? Sadly. Friends and the internet will take the place that a father should occupy.

What can a parent do if their child watches pornography?

Rather than pulling out her hair and feeling like a failure, Marta should handle the situation with grace and truth. What does this mean? Instead of losing control and exploding with anger, she can control herself and invite her son to pray.

I know you are thinking that the last thing you want to do is invite your child to pray when you want to scream at them and beat them up. But when you invite your child to pray with you and to talk about it, you are inviting them to have a dialogue about a topic that is embarrassing for both the parents and children.

Communication is key

As long as you keep the lines of communication open with your child, there is hope of influencing their life to help them make better decisions. What should you talk about? Ask your child open-ended questions, such as: How long have you been looking at pornography? How do you feel about it? What do you think should be the punishment for this negative choice?

Present the truth with love

Explain to your child with love that pornography literally alters our brain, desensitizes, and affects the personality. Sex was created by God, and it is a good and positive thing. But pornography misrepresents God’s truth about man’s sexuality. The decisions we make create direction. We cannot erase images with pornographic content that we store from our minds. Your decisions affect your destiny.

Help your child understand that he / she is not the problem: The problem is pornography. Viewing pornography as the problem and not your child will allow you to handle the situation more efficiently. Since the problem is pornography and not your child, you must seek a solution to the problem together.

Actions to avoid pornography

Encourage them to think of ways to stay safe. Solutions may include:

  • Avoid using keywords that lead to these types of images.
  • Update security levels on devices.
  • Keep devices in public places.
  • Avoid friends, relatives, and neighbors who view pornography.
  • Have regular conversations about what your son or daughter watches.

Remember how God treats you as a parent when you make a mistake. God treats you with grace, love, and compassion. When he met the adulterous woman, he did not shame her, but stood by her side, pouring out grace. That is the call that God makes of us as parents.

Treat your children the same way He treats us. God is committed to helping you save your child. You are not alone in this task. If you follow God’s plan, He will help you educate your child for eternity.

If you need help in this area, do not hesitate to contact me at 4076180212. Similarly, if you have any comments or questions on this topic, you can write them in the comments section below.

3 ways to prevent child abuse

by with No Comment Parenting

Stories of child abuse can be seen everywhere. Someone told me that her mom left her with a neighbor and despite her begging not to be left there, her mom did anyway and she was sexually abused by her neighbor. The neighbor told her he would kill her if she told her mother. She spent 10 years living with that trauma until one day, she decided to share her secret with her mom. Sadly, as she said it with tears in her eyes, her mom didn’t show any remorse at all. Her abuser died three months after she was raped.

Stories like this one are found everywhere. The US has one of the worst records among industrialized nations, losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect. A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds. However, what concerns me the most is that sometimes the abuser tries to use the church as a haven to continue with this depraved behavior. Abuse is found in churches too.

In this post, I would like to talk to parents about three little-known ways to prevent child abuse. Our children will not know about child abuse unless they are taught. For this reason, parents need to make home a safe place for their children. Parents must create an atmosphere of trust and security where they can talk openly about difficult, but age-appropriate topics. After creating an atmosphere at home where the child feels safe and secure, you need to teach your children to say NO to inappropriate touching, bad secrets, and strangers.

Say NO to inappropriate touching

Parents need to teach their children the following: “my body is mine and no one should touch it without my permission”. Our children need to know from an early age which parts of their body are private and the importance of saying NO when someone tries to touch them. Teach your child to report any touching that feels uncomfortable or wrong, even if it is by a family member, teacher, coach, pastor, or church official.

Say NO to bad secrets

Explain to your child that there are good and bad secrets. The good secrets come from things that you love and wish to receive, such as gifts, surprises, etc. The bad secrets are the unpleasant ones. If someone touches your body in secret, without your authorization, it is a bad secret and needs to be reported immediately. Child abuse data show that the majority of children keep their abuse a secret. As a parent, you need to keep the line of communication open with your children. So they can come to you with difficult subjects, such as abuse.

Say NO to strangers

Even though the vast majority of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, you still need to teach your child not to talk or have any contact with strangers. The devil is looking for an opportunity to destroy our children.

These three pieces of advice could help your child stay away from abuse. But keep in mind that there are other forms of abuse, such as being exposed to sexual acts or sexually explicit materials not intended for minors, as well as indecent exposure. Encourage your child to talk to designated safe adults any time they feel unsafe.

Get the child professional help right away

The best thing you can do for a child who has been abused is to get professional help right away. Psalm 127:3 says that children are a heritage from the Lord. We are responsible before the Lord for our children. Let’s protect them from the evil one by providing a safe place at home where they could feel secure.

Let’s teach them to say NO to inappropriate touching, bad secrets, and strangers. If you have any questions about this topic, feel free to write to me.

May God bless you. And remember: A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22).

An appeal for a better parent-child relationship

by with One Comment FamilyParenting

In this blog post, I would like to talk about the importance of the parent-child relationship. And I want to study this concept by analyzing the creation of Adam and Eve.

When God created Adam and Eve, he intended that they should live in intimacy with Him and with each other. When the unborn baby is inside his/her mother’s womb, the baby begins to develop a bond or connection with her. This bond prepares him/her for the parent-child attachment later in life. This relationship represented the affiliation and interaction of the parent with the unborn baby. And also, the parents’ desire to welcome him/her.

Parent-child relationship since pregnancy

After pregnancy, the baby moves from his/her mother’s womb, where all his/her needs met automatically, to a world where the newborn has to depend on fallible humans to survive. At this moment, the child begins to form an attachment behavioral system that will guide him/her when relating to others and surviving in a sinful world.

For the infant to learn how to interact with the new environment, he or she needs to develop biologically and cognitively. Whereas many mammals are physically able to defend themselves or run away from a threat right after being born, God created humans in a way that requires them to be dependent for years before they develop the capacity to adapt to the world and live in it. Infants need to depend on a caregiver to defend them in the face of many threats.

Parent-child relationship and intimacy with God

This fact shows the importance of intimacy with God. The Creator intentionally created human beings to live in a community as reciprocating selves. A reciprocating self exemplifies an I-Thou relationship based on the Christian concept of the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit).

Just as God lives in a community with the other members of the Godhead, human beings are supposed to relate with other-selves. Adam and Eve were created to represent the relational image of God. It was a relationship of intimacy, but at the same time, one of differentiation.

Analyzing the process that human beings follow to establish relationships, it seems that first, the child needs to develop an attachment behavioral system with his/her parents, which will teach him/her how to reciprocate love with another self. Later, as an adult, he or she may form a romantic relationship that may lead to matrimony.

The profound message of this concept is that before the child can be an “I,” he or she needs to be a “we.” He or she needs to form an I-Thou relationship with another human self before being an “I.” The importance of this process of attachment formation should not be underestimated.

The importance of life

Bowlby argued that the attachment of a child to his/her parents is very influential in determining the quality of the child’s future relationships. For this reason, parents need to value the importance of their influence and develop a healthier relationship with their children.

The future of our communities lies in the type of relationship we build with our little ones. These little ones will live tomorrow through the same emotional dynamics they have experienced in their family during childhood. I think we could do better in this area. What is your opinion? Share it with us in the comments section. God bless you.

Who is educating your child?

by with No Comment FamilyParenting

.How important is the influence parents have on raising their children? Have we asked ourselves that question? The answer is: it is very important. The influence of parents may work for good, favoring personal growth, or for evil, destruction and, failure. Educating your child is not easy.

So important is the education that it becomes a determinant of children’s happiness and success in life. The influence parents have on their children may work for good, favoring personal growth, or for evil, destroying and leading to failure.

The importance of educating your child

The first school a person has is his/her own home, where he/she receives all the teachings from his/her parents, on moral, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects. And, we have seen that there are homes in which children have almost no contact with their parents and where their education is not a priority because it is not important, or it is preferred that children receive education only at their schools. It becomes “someone else’s problem.”

The problem we cannot see (“iceberg effect”) is that parents are currently destroying their children because they are not meeting their children their educational needs. Nowadays, children are being educated by Satan. He uses his socializing agencies, such as public schools, the media, and their friends or classmates, to do his malevolent work, so a whole generation who does not know God can rise.

This is why parents must fulfill their educational responsibility and, when the time comes to go to school, the children will not be handed over to Satan to educate them. Instead, they will receive a Christian education that can endure for all eternity.

What Bible says of educating your child

In the book of Deuteronomy 6:4-7, the foundation of the educational process is established by using the imperative “LISTEN”:  “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

These verses show us a vital function we must fulfill if we want to help a new generation to know God. The people of Israel called this portion of the teachings Shema. In the Shema, the Lord established a basis that was vital for the church and education.

Shema in Israel

First, the church was called to establish God as a supreme priority in the life of each believer. That is why it says: the Lord is one. Therefore, since He is one, love and loyalty to God must prevail in the life of the believer. A person cannot change if he/she does not have a relationship with God. This is why when young people fall in love with God, then, they come to Him automatically.

Secondly, the content of Christian education can be found in “these commandments that I give you today,” as in the verse we mentioned earlier. The teaching content is embraced by these words. These words mean all the things God has revealed to His church.

Our children’s education must emphasize and at the same time must be guided by God’s Word. This is why, under no circumstances, should we send our children to public schools. There the basis of education does not emphasize God’s Word, nor is it guided by it.

Third, the vital element in education is the teacher. The Lord has commanded that our children’s teachers must have His Word in their hearts. No teacher who lacks the Lord’s Word inside his/her heart. No teacher who does not speak of it is qualified to teach the children of God. It means that the non-Christian educational system cannot be accepted by God’s children as the avenue to bring education to their sons and daughters.

“From the most ancient times, the faithful people of Israel paid much attention to the matter of education. The Lord had indicated that children, even from their first days of life, must be instructed about His kindness and greatness, especially as it was revealed in His commandments and the history of Israel.

Educating your child according to God’s Word

Through songs, prayers, and lessons about God’s Word, mothers had to teach their children. They learned about God’s commandments as an expression of His character. And as they received the principles in their hearts, God’s image would delineate in their minds and souls. In school and their homes, a big part of the teachings transmitted orally. But young people learned also how to read the Hebrew Scriptures, and the scrolls about the Old Testament Scriptures would be opened for them to study” (Christian Education, page 386).

Secular education is focused on helping students know what the teacher knows. By contrast, Christian education is focused on helping students be similar to their teachers. To reflect Jesus’ character through the fulfillment of the teachings that are in God’s Word.

Educating your child from home

If we, as parents, are dedicated to studying God’s Word, and to applying it to our daily life, Jesus’ character will be reflected through us. We will be showing our children a window through which they can know their Savior’s image. The influence we have on them will favor their personal growth, values, kindness, love, respect, and righteousness.

Thus, their faith will increase and will be reflected in their good deeds. We will be giving them the foundations of a Christian teaching for eternal life in our own homes.

And, if in addition, we can take our children to Christian schools, we will complement their formation. They will have teachers who know and teach God’s Word. And they also interest in contributing to children’s formation for eternal life.

Dear parents who read this post,

I invite you to read and deepen God’s Word. I invite you to strengthen the basis of God’s commandments in your life and the teachings for eternal life. This way, you can have a positive influence on your children that will help them grow and glorify God. There is no better school than our own homes, there are no better teachers than parents, and there is no better teaching than God’s Word.

Do you know any other ways we can have a good influence on our children? Share your opinion in the comments section! So we can all enrich our parenting experiences in forming children who live with the purpose of reaching eternal life in Jesus Christ.

 

7 steps to raise a happy child

by with No Comment Parenting

Today’s blog post is for all the parents who want to succeed in parenting and raise a happy child.

It is not easy to raise a child, especially nowadays. Do you remember the last time you bought a car? That car came with a manual, regardless of the model or brand. In that user manual, you can look up what must be done if the oil needs to be changed if it had engine problems, or any other situation. It is all written there.

A personal experience about how to raise a happy child

When my daughter Jasmin was born, I had no such manual. And, neither did you when you had your children. I had to figure out what to do to handle the situations I faced. A year after Jasmin was born, Samuel came into our lives. And, I said, “Well, now I have a year of experience as a father. With Samuel, it is going to be a little easier because I already ‘have experience’.” How wrong I was! Samuel had a completely different personality from that of his sister. The manual I used for Jasmin did not work with Samuel.

My strategy for raising the children consisted of creating a relationship with them based on collaboration instead of power. And I know that for many parents, this notis the conventional way. ut remember that unconsciously. We have had a collaborative relationship with our children throughout the years.

For example, when Jasmin or Samuel cried, we tried to figure out what was happening to them. So that we could help them stop crying. If the method we used was not working, we used another method until we found the most effective one to help them stop crying.

Try to understand the focus of the problem to raise a happy child.

Ideally, we continue to do this almost every day. It is simply trying to understand and focus on some of the most important aspects of being parents: understanding our children’s worries, perspectives, and opinions, considering what troubles them, and working together to find realistic solutions that are mutually satisfactory.

Science, nowadays, has provided many studies that support this line of thought, studies we have held on to in the last few years as parents, and in my case, as a therapist, to help parents who need orientation in this area. One of the researchers who has made contributions to this area is clinical psychologist Ross Greene.

I like this thought written by Helen G. White in her book Child Guidance: “The object of discipline is to educate the child so he can govern himself. Self-confidence must be taught and self-control.” We must help them accomplish the goals by themselves, with our help, and under our supervision.

Children do fine if they can

If they can handle the crisis or if they have the tools needed to do a certain task or to meet an expectation, they will do fine. Many situations are out of children’s control and that may lead them to develop difficult behaviors. The truth is that maybe they do not have the needed tools to deal with those situations.

It is not easy for children to deal with certain situations, such as stress produced by life events. If I, who am more than 50 years old, many times do not know how to deal with stress producedstressproduced stress-produced things I face in my life, do you think a child is going to be able to know how to handle stress?

Other situations children may not know how to handle

Other situations children may not know how to handle may be the parenting techniques their parents use. Some children are suffering due to the stress and consequences of a rough, hard, strict, difficult, and abusive parenting style. Some parents want who want wh to raise their children the same way they were raised: disciplined with a stick, yelling, and punches. That is abusive. This creates levels of stress and anxiety in the child and has consequences in the long term.

Another situation that children may not know how to handle could be their nervous system. Maybe the child is being rebellious due to a psychiatric condition that he/she may have, and if that is the case, that condition needs to be diagnosed and treated.

Some disorders can affect children an make it difficult to raise a happy child

Some of those conditions may be Oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, conduct disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. There are many other disorders that the child might have. If this is the case, until the child gets proper treatment, he/she will not be able to behave correctly because he/she will not know how.

Perhaps the child, simply, does not know how to handle his/her temper. And, as parents, we need to help him/her achieve this and develop emotional intelligence, as well as handle/her emotions. All of this will teach the child to handle his/her inner world successfully, so he/she can deal with the outside world. 

Many times, we think the problem our child has is a motivation problem. This is something we cannot just assume. Unless the child has a condition or disorder that allows him/her to behave adequately, it is very rare to assume that he/she is not meeting an expectation because he/she lacks motivation. Very often, skills are the train’s engine and motivation is the caboose. 

Allow me to share with you 7 steps we can follow to raise happy children:

1. Teach them to know God

The first task we must fulfill as parents teaching our children to know God. He said to the people of Israel in Deuteronomy 6:6-7: “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” There is no higher responsibility for parents than this one, to teach their children to know God. God will not ask you to give an account of how much money you invested in your son or daughter’s career, but how you prepared them for eternity.

2. Set boundaries

There are boundaries in life. God set boundaries for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Establishing clear boundaries protects relationships and keeps them healthy. When these are broken, relationships are affected. Boundaries protect both parts. Children who are not raised with boundaries are children who later will violate other people’s boundaries and will develop poor relationships later in their lives.

3. Teach them to have emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is learned in our homes. It has been proven that a person’s success lies in his/her emotional intelligence and not just in the intelligence quotient. Emotionally intelligent parents teach their children to handle their emotions from a very young age. They do this by demonstrating correct management of emotions and taking advantage of every opportunity possible to help the child identify the emotion he/she is experiencing so he/she can manage it correctly.

4. Teach them how to love

Loving is something we learn. It is learned in our homes, especially in the first 12 months of children’s lives. The way the father or mother develops an emotional connection with their children will determine the mindset they are going to develop later.

Parents can develop a secure attachment with the child that will allow him/her to identify a range of emotions that will show him/her how to receive and give love. On the contrary, if parents have developed an insecure attachment, it will show the child that primary caregivers are not to be trusted. Therefore, they will lack love and affection and their ability to receive and give love will be greatly affected.

If you have heard about the five love languages, try to speak the same love language your child speaks: express affirmative words, share quality time, give physical touch the importance that it has, give him/her gifts, and be helpful. This way your child will understand you love him/her and will express love to others.

5. Be aware of your own needs and limitations as a parent

The problem many parents have is that they are not aware of their limitations. Children are hurt when we, as parents, do not acknowledge the limitations we may have. Every parent must ask himself/herself, what limitations do I have in raising my children? We as parents must understand that the parenting style we are using to raise our children is very connected to the way we were raised in our families. We unconsciously project the traumatic experiences we have lived in the past onto our children. A parent who is aware recognizes his/her limitations when raising the children and seeks professional help and psychoeducation to do it in an optimal wayoptimallyway optimally and with love.

6. Identify the limitations your children have regarding certain skills

Dr. Greene suggests that parents begin by identifying the challenges their children facdifferentlye. There is a term, “lagged skills,” which refers to the skills that make it difficult for children to adapt to challenges in life at a cognitive level. Identifying when the child finds things difficult may help parents understand why they behave the way they do. Besides, it will help them understand that the child cannot do it differently until he/she receives help to grow in these lagged skills.

Several studies performed in the last 40 or 50 years tell us that children who defy good behaviors lack important skills. Especially flexibility/adaptability, tolerance to frustration, and problem-solving. This is why they explode or display defiant behaviors when certain situations demand those skills. A wise parent works very hard to help his/her children overcome those limitations.

7. Solve problems with your children in a collaborative way

Many parents solve their children’s behavioral problems unilaterally, imposing rules and high expectations. And, when children do not meet those expectations, parents get frustrated. So, they call their children undisciplined and rebel, sometimes even committing emotional abuse. There are studieSomestudied some studies proves that provesprove that hat success can be reached if you and your children solve problems together. When it is done this way, both become partners, teammates, and not enemies or adversaries.

My desire as a parent is reflected in this prayer I read a while ago and I want to share it with you:

Father in heaven, make me a better parent.

Teach me how to understand my children, patiently listen to what they say, and kindly answer their questions.

Help me t not interrupt them or contradict them.

Make me polite towards them in the same way I want them to be towards me.

Prevent me from laughing at their mistakes

Prevent me ridiculing from them when they do not do what I like them to do.

Bless me with the greatness of giving them all their reasonable requests, 

Bless me with the courage to deny them privileges I know will hurt them.

Make me fair and kind.

And help me, oh Lord, be loved and respected, and imitated by my children, amen.