Forgiveness in a couple is a thorny issue to deal with, especially in relation to timing. Keep in mind that forgiveness will not happen magically; it tends to grow as negative patterns ease, along with grudges and resentment. It is a long process in which both partners need to commit.
I would also like to remind you that there is a way out of negativity and bitterness: mistakes or failures can be forgiven, and you can continue with a strong relationship in the face of adversity. How? Here are some valuable exercises and advice.
A word of caution before you begin. These exercises are for couples who feel safe with each other. If there is violence, threats, intimidation, or control, or if one of you is afraid of the other, please do not try them on your own: safety and individual help come first. The same applies if an affair is still going on or if hidden betrayals keep coming to light; a trained professional should guide that process.
Exercises for forgiveness in a couple
If your spouse has made a mistake, or several, getting to the point of forgiveness will be a team effort. The process of forgiveness in couples is not simple, but it is possible, so I will give you these exercises:
Exercise #1: Talk sessions
Couples need to agree to communicate and to commit to the forgiveness process. To do this, I recommend that they choose a time and place where they feel comfortable. They need to turn off their cell phones or any electronic equipment that may distract them. Distractions also include children and pets, who need to be taken care of before this moment. The couple needs privacy.
When you open these talk sessions, keep in mind that venting all your frustrations at once is counterproductive. Divide the talks into different sessions with a common theme.
You both have to agree on that topic, and each one should express himself or herself in his or her own way. Agree beforehand on how long you will talk, and take a break if either of you feels overwhelmed; you can resume later. Maintain eye contact.
Exercise #2: Listen, do not interrupt
When a couple talks, it is necessary not to interrupt the person who has the floor at that moment. Perhaps one partner tends to assume that he or she is always right, so it is essential to let the other defend his or her point of view.
You have to listen to your husband or wife with an open mind and adopt an attitude of support and companionship, where you are there to listen to each other’s feelings.
However, if those feelings get the best of you, stay calm and keep your thoughts calm. One of the most important pieces of advice I have for you is to try to look at everything as fairly as you can.
Exercise #3: Practice clarity
One factor that many couples lack is the ability to speak up. They do not practice clear enough communication, so when something is uncomfortable or you do not feel you are getting what is fair, you need to talk about it, no matter how obvious it may sound or seem.
Husbands and wives are both children of God, and each one brings a different history, personality, and way of seeing things. Seek to understand how your spouse thinks and feels instead of assuming that he or she thinks like you.
Honesty, together with kindness, cannot be lacking in a healthy marriage.
Exercise #4: Forgiving small mistakes
Forgiveness in couples should be practiced daily because, even if you do not notice it at the moment, you may have done something small that hurt your partner. Today it seems insignificant, but when the negative actions accumulate, it could seriously deteriorate this bond.
When you feel hurt by something your partner did, tell him or her gently and soon, without accusations or sarcasm, speaking about how you felt. The same applies to you. When we commit offenses, we should express our regret out loud. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand how important this situation was to you. Please forgive me,” can go a long way.
It depends on the seriousness of the offense, of course, and forgiveness may not be given instantly, but this is a demonstration of goodwill. Be patient if your partner is not yet ready to forgive you.
Exercise #5: Forgive when ready
There is no point in rushing forgiveness in couples if it is not sincere. It will backfire, so when you are ready to forgive, do it. State your intentions out loud and with all your heart. The word has power, so use it.
Once you feel able to grant forgiveness, it is time to move on. Reflect together on what happened and on what needs to change, and change the behaviors that hurt. Where one person chose to betray or harm the other, that responsibility belongs to that person alone. Gratitude and affection should remain more present than ever.
How to maintain forgiveness in a couple
When you have been able to grant forgiveness in a couple, the work is not over, because forgiveness is not the end of the process. You need to keep forgiving and show that forgiveness was a step toward a better relationship.
It is an arduous task, and there may be relapses, but you will find gains in the small details. Here are some tips:
Your dates are sacred
Despite work, children, and other responsibilities, married couples need time for themselves.
I advise having at least one weekend date, just for the two of you, where you can talk and connect more deeply about your life as a married couple. Both wife and husband need to feel important in a marriage.
If work separates the two of you, use calls to stay connected.
Many couples come to my office drained after long work days, without having shared enough during the day. In that case, a call during a break does not take much time, but it can make a big change.
Talk more in bed. Going to bed early as a couple might be more beneficial than you think. If you do this, you will most likely have time to spare before you fall asleep, and in those minutes the sweetest and most intimate conversations often take place.
Final words about forgiveness in a couple
Forgiveness in a couple is constant work and a daily learning process. But I sincerely believe that the first step toward good results is to entrust ourselves to God. With His guidance and blessing, we will be on the right path.
If you want to learn more about how forgiveness influences our lives, I invite you to read my other articles as well.
What is one small act of kindness or repair you could offer your spouse this week?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Keep reading
Emotional IntelligenceI don’t want to be a perfectionist -Please help me
There is a perfectionist everywhere. They disguise themselves behind a facade. With good performance, they pretend to…
Emotional IntelligenceHow to forgive when you cannot forget?
The complexity of romantic relationships, and how they are affected by different life events, is quite extensive. Much…
Emotional IntelligenceLet’s know the relationship between self-knowledge and attachments
Sometimes the little things we cling to do not allow us to see ourselves as we are. In this post, I call these things…