All couples go through conflict, so learning how to solve marital problems with appropriate strategies is a must. Even if your relationship is going well, keeping these tips in mind can save you from future crises.
A study of older married adults found a link between the quality of the marriage and cardiovascular risk, with negative marital quality weighing more than positive. This does not prove that one causes the other, but it is one more reason why working through conflict is worth the effort.
Resolving marital problems
Regardless of their severity, resolving marital problems is possible. It will take time, but if there is commitment and determination on both parts, there are strategies to move towards good results. Take note of these tips and don’t hesitate to apply them in your relationship.
1. Improve dialogue
Most conflicts are born out of a failure to communicate. Talking is not the same as having a fluid and healthy dialogue in the relationship. It involves much more than that. To ensure a healthy way of discussing problems in your relationship, keep these points in mind:
- Avoid shouting.
- Never disrespect or insult.
- Speak about the source of the problem with transparency and honesty.
- Don’t divert the focus with secondary issues or situations from the past.
- While the argument is happening, keep it between the two of you; afterwards, you can seek support from a trusted person or a professional if you need it.
When communicating as a couple, take the time to listen to each other. Often, the “internal radio” can make it difficult to understand things from another perspective.
2. Regain trust in each other
When the source of the conflict involves a breakdown in the values of marriage, it is essential to heal that aspect. In order for there to be room for resolution, there must be a bond of honesty and credibility between the parties.
There are situations where trust seems hopeless, such as infidelity. If you are going through this, don’t despair, you can still rebuild trust and resolve the problems.
3. Provide emotional support
A key to avoiding and resolving conflict is mutual support. Working on emotional companionship with your partner can strengthen or help to restore bonds. Don’t just think about your feelings, in a time of crisis, taking into account other people’s emotions is a great demonstration of love.
An article in the journal of the National Autonomous University of Mexico discusses emotional bonds in marriage.
4. Respect individuality
Although it may seem contradictory, there are times when it is wise to give each other space. This is something I often stress to couples who come to therapy. Knowing your partner will help you to detect when they need time to reflect before telling you how they feel. Trying to speed up the process can deepen the severity of the problem.
5. Renew trust in intimacy
Sexuality in a couple can be a source of conflict in many ways. If there is no fulfilment in intimacy, it can hardly translate into a happy marriage. Find a way to talk to your partner about how you feel and work together to regain this important bond in your married life.
6. Aim for realistic expectations
When it comes to conflict resolution, expectations always come into play. This is because what we expect from the other person can be detrimental to the way we analyze and judge their actions. It is a veil that prevents us from being objective in understanding the problem and its real origin.
When seeking to resolve a crisis in marriage, start by having a clear vision of reality. Your standards may be influenced by your environment and the values you prioritize. Try to be aware of them so that they do not affect your perception.
7. Generate quality time together
It is almost impossible to resolve a conflict if you are not willing to give up personal time to invest in your partner. Finding quality time to share between the two of you will bring many benefits:
- Optimal situations for dialogue.
- Mutual trust and development of intimacy.
- Breaking the routine.
- Encouraging companionship.
- Getting to know each other individually.
- Strengthen desire and renew the passion.
Monotony can lead to the extinction of the couple’s identity. If children are involved, it is important to try to have moments of intimacy to develop the relationship beyond the role of parents.
8. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
When it comes to putting feelings on the table to solve marital problems, it is important to put oneself in the other person’s place. Empathy is the key to understanding without judging and to reach agreements that are beneficial for the couple.
9. Forgive with sincerity
Forgiveness is indispensable for closing stages of crisis. Putting aside personal egos, with a common goal of achieving the well-being of the marriage, forgiveness must be real and sincere. Doing so out of obligation or comfort will not heal the wounds of the conflict and will prevent a lasting resolution over time.
Keep in mind that an unhealed wound will reopen and deepen. Ephesians 4:32 says: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (NIV) Forgiveness is not the same as trusting again right away, and it never means accepting mistreatment or staying in danger.
10. Seek professional help
Often conflicts in a couple can become too much of a stumbling block for the normal development of a marriage. If this is the case, seeking therapy or professional help is not a cause for embarrassment or personal failure – quite the contrary!
Seek help from a professional who understands your needs. Many couples grow and learn from their conflicts.
What is one conversation you have been putting off that you could begin this week, calmly and with respect?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Liu, H., & Waite, L. (2014). Bad Marriage, Broken Heart? Age and Gender Differences in the Link between Marital Quality and Cardiovascular Risks among Older Adults. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 55(4), 403-423. Link
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