Today I want to share with you the 3 most important elements in a marriage to be happy and lasting. Many experts in the field of psychology have explained over time that marriage is a difficult bonding process to maintain.
Many couples feel unsure about taking the risk of building strong and healthy bonds, and marriages face real pressures today.
It is true that, as human beings, our emotions and thoughts are very complex. Moreover, there are many external factors that can shake a marriage. So what makes a union last, what is the most important element in a marriage that keeps it from falling apart?
3 Important Elements in a Lasting Marriage
I know you are thinking that one of the most important things in a marriage is love. Let me tell you that it takes much more than that. Of course it is essential for a couple to have love, but it is not everything.
Many times in talking with my patients, with the people I help as a therapist and pastor, I find that there is love in the relationship, but there is no commitment, no willingness to change, no respect, to name a few things.
While it is true that a healthy and lasting marriage seems like an extremely difficult road to travel, it is not unattainable. There are 3 very important things that need to be in place in your relationship for your marriage to be happy.
1. Knowledge
The Cornell Marriage Advice Project, led by gerontologist Karl Pillemer, gathered advice from more than 700 people who had been married for decades. Their advice included learning to communicate, getting to know your partner very well, and treating marriage as a lifelong commitment. Drawing on these themes and on my work as a therapist and pastor, I would like to focus on three elements.
The first is knowledge, both of yourself and of your partner. If you know yourself, your interests, what you value in life and what your goals are, you are likely to want a partner who is supportive and has similar values to yours.
As I have told you before, marriage is a union between two totally different, unique people. However, it is necessary to share a space with common interests and values in order for the marriage to have a solid foundation.
Sometimes in my consultations couples arrive with some difficulty or problem and I ask them: Do you know what your partner likes, what he/she loves, what he/she values? Do you know what he/she likes to do in his/her free time? Do you have an idea of what his/her goals or projects for the future are?
What can I do to get to know the other?
I always recommend reading and applying the Gottman method, developed by the mathematician and psychologist John Gottman. This renowned doctor explains that in a healthy marriage there must be a deep friendship, that is, the couple must know each other intimately. By intimate I mean your personality, your hopes, dreams, weaknesses, likes and dislikes and more.
It is the responsibility of each of you to know each other in depth, to know what you love, what you want in life. The best way to achieve this is by sharing experiences and having authentic communication, but this element is what I will talk about next.
2. Communication
The second most important factor in a marriage is authentic communication. In the Cornell project I mentioned earlier, many of the people interviewed whose marriages had ended blamed communication problems.
I totally agree with that statement. That’s why one thing I repeat whenever I can to the marriages I counsel is that talking to your partner is the best thing you can do for your relationship.
Authentic communication means opening up to the other person, being honest about how you feel, sharing your emotions and aspirations, and even your fears and doubts. But authentic communication also means actively listening to your partner, not just you talking and talking, but real communication between two people who love each other.
3. Commitment
Last but not least, there is commitment. By joining in marriage, you and your partner have made a commitment, not only here on earth, but also in the eyes of God.
There is always the possibility of separation and some cases where divorce is the healthiest decision. However, experiencing your union as something unbreakable, something to protect and defend, and not as an obligation, will make your marriage much stronger and happier.
What about when things aren’t going well? my patients ask me, and my answer is that this is when respect, honesty and teamwork matter most. Commitment never means putting up with abuse, violence or control: in those situations, safety comes first. There will always be difficulties along the way, the challenge will be to find a way to resolve and emerge stronger from that situation.
Knowledge, communication and commitment as a happy formula for marriage
Many marriages end in divorce or separation, and this happens for many different reasons.
How can a couple that has decided to get married give their marriage the best chance to last?
As in any relationship, marriages also go through challenges that must be overcome with the effort and commitment of both parties. There is no magic recipe to make a relationship last forever, but knowledge, communication and commitment, built by both of you, give your marriage a stronger foundation.
Do you want to share some life experience or have questions about the most important things in a marriage? You are welcome to ask.
Which of the three, knowledge, communication or commitment, would you most like to strengthen in your marriage this month?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Cornell University, Cornell Marriage Advice Project (Karl Pillemer), summarized on ScienceDaily, June 2015.
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