Did you fail your partner? 5 tips to rebuild their trust

If you have been unfaithful, you have realized your mistake and you feel that you love your partner, then rebuilding their trust is the next step. It is possible that, in the middle of this emotional hurricane, you do not know how to do it and that is why I want to accompany you.

Before we continue, I will tell you that rebuilding your partner’s trust is a demanding challenge and it is a slow process, but it is possible to achieve. Understanding these 3 truths will make you stay in the attempt without fainting. If you are ready, let’s go!

Some considerations to rebuild their trust

Your partner lives a roller coaster of emotions. That is why rebuilding their trust is an experience lived through feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy and doubt. Also, they ask themselves a lot of difficult questions.

Being aware of your fault will make you assume the consequences such as, for example, the fact that they are emotionally unavailable. You will have to give everything you have to restore the health of your relationship.

Today I share with you these 5 fundamental tips:

1.   Show your sincere regret

Did you tell them that you are sorry for your mistake? If you have said so, now is the time to prove it with facts. You can prove it this way:

  • Stop all contact with your lover. If you allow yourself to remain “as a friend” it is evident that you have not yet understood the hurt you have caused your spouse. Possibly, deep in your heart you want to remain attached to that person.
  • Avoid being defensive and pretending not to listen to complaints. Remember that your action has generated these traumatic feelings in your spouse. You may have to apologize often and give the details your partner requests.
  • Be honest. Always tell the truth and persist in transparency. Because if your partner discovers something that you have not explained with transparency, you will not be able to rebuild their trust and they will want to separate.

2.   Make the relationship your priority

Your daily planning, energies and interests should revolve around getting the relationship back on track. Strive to plan time together, let them know and feel that you want to be with them. Even spend time at home if you don’t feel ready to share activities outside the home.

Reflect on the things that interest your spouse. If you think you know the answer, try a little harder to find details you hadn’t considered before.

3.   Show your main interest: him or her

As a therapist, I have seen that a devastating consequence of infidelity is the personal insecurity that the partner who has been cheated on assumes. They feel unattractive, unappreciated, that they are not enough for their partner, and similar things.

Therefore, to rebuild their trust you need to help them to trust again in themselves by showing them that they are the person that you want to be committed to. The following actions can help you:

  • Acknowledge and express your gratitude for the opportunity they have given you after the damage you have caused.
  • Appreciate and praise their qualities and also be grateful that they share their wonders with you.
  • Tell them with words, gestures and actions that you love them and that you do not wish to lose them. Repeat this daily.
  • Make them feel desirable, that you like them and that you are attracted to them. Open your mind and creativity to court in a different way than you are used to.
  • Avoid lying or betraying trust again.

4.   Focus on reconnecting

After the cheating, your partner is distressed, so in trying to rebuild their trust you must provide them with a strong emotional connection. Emotional connection consists of being able to understand what they feel, attend to their needs and make them feel loved.

Expressions like “I understand your mistrust, but I won’t cheat on you again,” “I want to be with you,” and other similar expressions will make you a little closer. You may need to repeat this many times.

There is only one way to rebuild this bond: intimate communication. That is, being honest, expressing in words what you feel and understanding each other. It’s not easy to do and it can be painful, but continued practice will lead to new habits of trust.

5.   Don’t rush physical sexual contact

By connecting emotionally with your partner you can rebuild their trust in sexuality and in any aspect of the relationship. Well, when a couple feels emotionally connected they have the ability to harmonize and connect in the bedroom.

In his book The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman states that the relationship cannot begin again without the mutual pleasure of sexual intimacy. And, this mutual pleasure is born solely from the emotional connection that is built through intimate communication.

A rushed sexual encounter can be confusing and/or frustrating. For, both are emotionally vulnerable and distressed. And, what you rush into feeling can be unstable.

Make sure you make love to your partner at the right time and you will rebuild their trust completely.

God and intimacy in marriage

“A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2.24)

God is intimacy and unity and all his creation has this same quality (John 17.1). That is, what God has created lives in intimacy and connected to each other. For example, humans depend on the environment (plants, water, air) and, in turn, the environment depends on the care that humans give to it.

In marriage, to be intimate is to be one flesh. In other words:

  • The couple lives connected to each other (in intimate communication and understanding).
  • Both make themselves vulnerable and transparent in order to be known and to know the person they love.
  • Man and woman are naked sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually and are not ashamed (Genesis 2.25).

There is intimacy when there is commitment, security and trust. Renewing the commitment with your partner implies rebuilding their trust based on the true intimacy that God intended for marriage.

I will be willing and happy to accompany you to face this difficulty. Contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.

If my partner was unfaithful to me, does it mean that they will do it again?

“Pastor Duany, my partner was unfaithful to me and I want to reconcile, but I am afraid he will do it again” I have heard these words many times, both in my journey as a pastor and as a therapist.

Being hurt again is a common fear in the person who has suffered from infidelity. For, in addition to the fact that the unfaithful one has broken the trust, there are a number of social and even scientific statements or assumptions that increase the uncertainty.

Let us now address this disturbing doubt: Will the unfaithful person always be unfaithful?

Let’s see!

My partner cheated on me and promised not to repeat it, do I believe them?

I have also heard: “My partner was unfaithful to me and they say that a cheater will always be like that; cheater, is it true?” “They say that men are unfaithful by nature, should I get used to my husband’s infidelity?”

All these questions come out in conflict after an infidelity making the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation even more difficult. Especially nowadays, when science speaks of a genetic predisposition to infidelity.

Is infidelity in the genes?

A Swedish research revealed that 40% of men are predisposed to polygamy. This population possesses a gene (allele 334) that apparently makes them vulnerable to being unfaithful and desiring casual sex. For many, these statements may be a great answer or the best of excuses.

A Finnish study noted that 63% of male infidelities and 40% of female infidelities can be attributed to genes in the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin.

So, what can we expect from the partner?

On this matter, several experts have stated that this gene does not determine the lying behavior of the carrier. For example, the secretary of the Federation of Sexology Societies of Spain, Miguel A. Cueto, explained the following:

“The behavior of the human being is influenced by biological, psychological and social factors and each factor intervenes significantly. Therefore, a biological element does not determine a person’s relationships. Interaction with the environment also helps or hurts relationships”.

To this comment I would add the freedom of decision as a conclusive factor of our behaviors. Perhaps the existence of a genetic element implies greater effort and self-control, but each one is free to choose whether or not to be honest and faithful.

In truth, our genetic, physical and psychological weakness makes us more in need of God’s presence and the help of others. But, it does not exempt us from our freedom.

Some signs to evaluate in your partner

“My partner was unfaithful to me and, even so, I have decided to have a new opportunity with them”.

If this is what you have decided, you should consider your self-care to avoid worsening your wound. It is important to honestly assess whether your partner also wants and is striving for this new opportunity. Both of you must work to make the relationship work again.

May I share with you some signs that indicate if your partner has chosen to start being faithful and regain the union. Let’s see:

1.    Give up his or her affair

If your partner feels that they can (or will) give up their affair, then they are committed to you. Conversely, if they state that they will be “just friends” with the other person, they are likely to continue their cheating.

It is necessary for the unfaithful spouse to renounce all contact with their affair. If they are not ready to give them up, then they are not ready to re-engage with you.

2.    Regrets and admits cheating

Another common statement is: “My partner was unfaithful to me and I doubt their repentance”

If they don’t blame you for what happened, it’s a good sign. People who blame are incapable of taking responsibility and, if you don’t meet their needs in the future, they will cheat on you again.

Saying “it’s your fault” or “you made me do it” is different from explaining that they felt limited because you had little sex or were criticized and neglected. In the latter case your partner lets you know what happened to him, expresses regret and opens up to a conversation to propose changes.

3.    Is willing to take care of the relationship

If there is no commitment, it is very likely that the infidelity will happen again. It is important to be clear: it is one thing to say that you want to make amends and another to make an effort and commit to your actions.

In your conversations you should propose what you are willing to do and how you will do it. Also you should reformulate the agreements of coexistence and propose everything that benefits the relationship.

4.    They listen to you

Do they talk about the infidelity? do they listen to you? are they patient at this difficult time?

Do they understand your pain and help you cope with it? Do they understand your jealousy or sudden doubts? Do they answer your doubts calmly?

If they do, your partner is taking a good step towards re-engagement. If not, they are probably not interested in reconciliation and making an effort to make the relationship work.

5.    Suspicions of cheating

If your partner flirts with others, overprotects their phone, messages and social media accounts, they may have something to hide. Their actions should build trust while you work on forgiveness and learning to trust again.

Lack of trust is the basis for instability and, in all probability, the infidelity will occur.

My partner was unfaithful and I can’t trust them again

You and your partner should be open and honest in expressing what you both feel and want. If you both try to put pressure on each other, it is unlikely to work. You should also know that to cope with infidelity you need to learn to trust again. I have posted a topic on this portal to guide you in this.

Infidelity is a choice that is made within the relationship. However, it is possible to move on. Many couples have succeeded with a lot of commitment. Initiating marriage counseling with professional help is a favorable decision.

I am willing to accompany you. Contact me at 407 618 0212.

Types of infidelity and how they impact marriage

Infidelity in marriage is not only about physical-sexual contact with a third party. Did you know that? Well, there are several types of infidelity in a relationship. So, you may be being unfaithful without even knowing it.

Most people associate marital infidelity with sexual affairs. But, in the context of relationships, infidelity is about breaking a commitment of loyalty, sincerity, and respect towards your partner. And it does not only involve the sexual plane.

On this occasion, let me guide you to differentiate unfaithful friendships from unfaithful relationships. Let’s move on!

Types of infidelity in marriage

When we talk about the types of infidelity in marriage, we specify the different ways of breaking the loyalty and trust of the spouse. Infidelity is those actions or habits that interfere with the firm and constant practice of respect, commitment, and devotion to the couple.

These actions or habits can be located in the physical or emotional plane or as a combination of both. Below, we detail each of these.

Physical Infidelity

We speak of physical infidelity when there are physical encounters with the third person. This occurs with the interest of satisfying physical desires without establishing emotional bonds. And, these face-to-face encounters may involve only an “innocent” affair or an affair that includes sexual contact.

  • Sexual contact

As its name indicates, in this type of infidelity there are physical encounters where the sexual act is consummated. This mode can occur with pleasurable encounters without any kind of sentimentalism in between.

It is important to clarify that this sexual contact can be only kissed, only caresses, only kisses, and caresses, or contact with the fullness of their bodies. In this sense, we can name some types of infidelity involved:

  • By Hedonisms; when the person has no deficiencies in their relationship and is moved only by desire. Therefore, they want to be unfaithful.
  • By sex addiction.
  • By impulse, when seeking to satisfy physical desires or personal needs such as reaffirming their attractiveness or self-esteem, insecurities.

Emotional Infidelity

Occurs when an affective connection between the unfaithful partners is present. The person leaves the committed relationship to satisfy their emotional needs with another person. Here there are deep conversations such as personal problems, goals, desires or fantasies, and common interests.

This is one of the types of infidelity that is often underestimated. However, this “innocent” beginning can deepen into feeling the desire to end up between the sheets and consummate sexual infidelity.

This emotional connection can be established in a physical-emotional or virtual-emotional way, and does not necessarily culminate in sexual intercourse.

  • Face-to-face mode.

I am referring to those face-to-face encounters motivated by the desire to see and be with that person. Here there is satisfaction in talking, sharing common hobbies, or having conversations that should reserve for the partner with whom you commit.

  • Virtual mode.

That is, it occurs completely online and there is no physical contact. It is also called sexting. Contact with sending or exchanging text messages, emails, videos, or erotic images using electronic devices.

Physical-emotional infidelity

The unfaithful spouse becomes completely involved with their lover. For many people, it is one of the types of infidelity that leads to the thought that the committed relationship loose.

It may begin with a seemingly innocent contact (virtual or face-to-face without sex) that fosters emotional connection and deepens the desire for sexual contact. Then desire, having conceived, gives birth to sin. (Santiago 1:14, 15).

Why talk about emotional infidelity?

Because sharing a close relationship with someone we consider more attractive or more understanding jeopardizes the marriage pact.

This type of romantic closeness generates a certain emotional dependence that would pave the way for a possible sexual encounter. It is also worth asking:

  • If emotional infidelity is not cheating, why does the content of extramarital conversations or encounters remain hidden?
  • Does that virtual conversation or innocent encounter please your partner, or would it break trust?

What types of infidelity cause the most damage to commitment?

Some spouses view infidelity as a sexual affair and think that emotional “affairs” are not cheating. However, the types of emotional infidelity can profoundly impact the relationship.

On the other hand, the impact will also depend on the considerations of the spouse who has been cheated on. According to studies, a large percentage of women easily forgive a sexual infidelity without emotional attachment and men have greater difficulty forgiving a sexual infidelity.

Above all, both forms of infidelity are a major breach of trust and marital commitment.

The impact of infidelity on marriage

Any of the above types of infidelity can generate confusing and very painful feelings in the  victim, such as:

  • Feeling of abandonment.
  • Sudden jealousy.
  • Confusion and personal insecurities in the face of frequent questions of how? When? Why?
  • Feeling of having been used, betrayed, and mocked.

Likewise, visualizing the spouse in contact or enjoyment with a mistress is disturbing and causes resentment to reappear. The whole situation makes it difficult for the spouse to trust again in a normal way.

Fidelity and the marriage covenant

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.”  (Song of Solomon 8:6).

And what does that mean?

That between husband and wife a strong emotional bond should be formed in altruism, trust and mutual respect. When a couple commits to form a loving and romantic bond, they do so by establishing physical and emotional exclusivity. Being one flesh does not limit to sexual intimacy (Proverbs 31:11, Ephesians 5:28,33).

If you have the desire to deepen in the subject, do not hesitate to contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.

Main causes for Infidelity in Marriage

Infidelity is one of the most difficult situations a couple can face. And, if not addressed in a healthy way, it can be an irreparable situation for the relationship. Now, what does infidelity imply? and why does it happen?

Everyone may have their own beliefs about this topic. However, I want to share with you the most common causes why infidelity takes place in relationships.

What does infidelity involve and why does it happen?

Generally, the affectionate and/or sentimental union of one of the spouses with a third party has been considered infidelity in marriage. And, in this experience there may or may not be sexual involvement.

For infidelity, there are many possible implications and causes. Well, each individual has his/her own concept of loyalty, fidelity and expectations of a relationship.

So, based on these beliefs, a person can normalize and justify certain actions because he does not consider them infidelity. Each relationship is unique and there are different “motivations” behind an infidelity.

Causes of infidelity

Below, I share the causes commonly expressed by couples and that I have addressed in therapy:

Dissatisfaction with yourself or your partner

Dissatisfaction directs people to want “more” and to look outside for what they don’t get within their relationship. What you are looking for outside can be physical or emotional pleasure motivated by a need for attention, recognition, companionship, different experiences, among others.

Social pressure

Infidelity in marriage sometimes arises as a desire to be fashionable or to accept the incessant invitation of close people. Even when attracted to media advertising and social events that, currently, normalize deception and infidelity.

Desire for revenge

It occurs when the one who has been deceived or hurt in some way decides to take revenge or hurt the spouse by being unfaithful. This is one of the reasons very few mentioned, but it is practiced very often in both men and women.

Feeling of personal insecurity

It can occur if the person does not feel good about himself and is perceived as unattractive, less intelligent, among others. Infidelity serves as a form of personal reaffirmation and generates the satisfaction of being able to conquer someone else.

Pattern of emotional instability

This situation moves people who have experienced childhood traumas, abuse, suffer from a mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, addictions, among others. In these cases, infidelity is used as an escape route to their emotional situation.

Confusion

Many times, spouses often feel confused, especially after several years of relationship. They feel that “the flame went out” and the desire for their partner decreased. This is a natural process of relationships that is confused with the decay of love and can end in infidelity.

Conviction

Some people do not believe in monogamous relationships, so having a partner does not limit them to having encounters or relationships with third parties.

The root cause of infidelity

What’s behind personal dissatisfaction, a desire for reaffirmation, personal insecurity, confusion, and the other common causes of infidelity? These causes have a root or foundation.

Selfishness

Infidelity reveals the selfishness present in a person’s heart. Unfaithful partners often take into account only their pleasure or need ignoring the pleasure or well-being of their partner.

For example; “I feel dissatisfied, he/she doesn’t fulfill my needs, I need to feel safe, I want something new, I think it’s not so bad.” Each of these expressions satisfies the “I” and justifies infidelity.

The worst part is that, often society feeds these ideas and encourages this kind of “self-love”. In fact, it has been easier to promote “open relationships” than a commitment to address dissatisfaction by improving other aspects of the relationship. Instead, God tells us that “Love does not seek its own interests.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Ignorance

Ignorance of oneself and the other is a cause of infidelity and, I think, many times it is the root. For example; Do you know how to identify your concepts about loyalty and faithfulness? Do you know how your partner interprets them? What are your expectations in the relationship? What satisfies them?

When a couple has clear answers to questions like these they will know to what extent there will be a loyal commitment between them. For each one will know what he can receive and what he must give.

Many men and women do not know what they need or what they expect from the relationship, much less how to communicate it honestly. Hence the lack of strength to face temptation, the need to look for that “something more” that, it is believed, may be in another person.

Infidelity without personal filters

As I have said, talking about the implications and causes of infidelity in marriage is subject to personal interpretations. But, subjectivities aside, I invite you to understand the term considering what fidelity implies.

The word fidelity derives from the Latin fidelitas which refers to:

  • The quality of loyalty. That is, the firm and constant practice of respect for the commitment and delivery of well-being to the couple.
  • The practice of truth to sustain trust and security.

Does your concept of fidelity relate to this definition? The important thing is that you can channel your beliefs and decisions in a more comprehensive and healthy way.

Follow our guide on infidelity and hopefully find a better outlook at this painful reality. Also, if you want to delve into the subject do not hesitate to contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.

7 Secrets of Entrepreneurial Mothers

Are you a mother who wants to start a business? Well, I know some secrets of mom entrepreneurs that can help you to start your business project.

It is common knowledge that being a daughter, wife, mother, neighbor and entrepreneur can be overwhelming. However, many women have managed to overcome and, moreover, show that motherhood was not an obstacle to achieve their goals.

If you are a mother and you are thinking of becoming an entrepreneur, let me tell you these secrets that will be useful for your growth.

Secrets of entrepreneurial mothers that you should know

I have selected 7 secrets of entrepreneurial moms that can guide your entrepreneurship without putting your loved ones on the back burner. They will also help you deal with the feelings of guilt that a mother who decides to become an entrepreneur tends to experience. Below, pay attention to each one of these secrets.

1.   Validate and consolidate your own requirements

In this topic of “women’s liberation” there are still many matters to conquer, but each woman must conquer herself first. It is important that she recognizes that her individual needs are just as important as those of her partner and children.

To become an entrepreneur, you need to be clear about what goals you want to achieve, what areas you would like to explore and what you dream of in your heart. Likewise, you need to visualize your business. If you are already clear, consider:

  • What do you need to achieve it?
  • What is the first step you need to take?
  • Do you deserve to achieve what you dream of?
  • Are you willing to achieve it?

Exercising yourself in this way will strengthen you to work in harmony with the need to lovingly care for your home. The mother who validates, consolidates and satisfies her needs has already started towards her first success: the personal success of self-love.

2.   Investing in growth.

Another of the secrets of entrepreneurial mothers is that they invest what is necessary in their growth. Mothers who have decided to explore the work field invest time and money in:

  • Academic background.
  • Useful tools and resources for your job or business.
  • Personal care and attention.
  • Planning and organizational time.

This has been a difficult step for many of the women I have accompanied. They always tend to prioritize their children’s needs to the exclusion of their own. You will need to commit to yourself!

3.   Planning, organizing and separating moments

It should be noted that women have excellent planning skills due to their well-developed prefrontal cortex. This area of the brain helps regulate planning, problem solving and decision making.

For the entrepreneurial mother, it is important to organize herself and manage to harmonize the responsibilities of each role. At the beginning it will not be easy, especially if you start from home. However, the secret lies in the following practices:

  • Give the necessary attention to each activity and responsibility, whether individual, family or social.
  • Establish schedules and priorities among the different roles.
  • Schedule commitments and learn as a family to respect each member’s individual and shared activities.
  • Learn to be flexible in planning, especially if children are young or require specific attention.

4.   Exercise patience

Being patient is vital for any entrepreneurship, but for a mother who is an entrepreneur it is even more so. Therefore, it is important to enjoy the small advances and not to be in a hurry to achieve the goals. Especially when starting the project or during the difficult days with the children, the partner or the environment.

Accepting that there will be hard days, that there are limitations and that chaos is not eternal is one of the secrets of entrepreneurial mothers to be patient.

5.   Spend time alone

If there is one resource that mothers really value and have very little of, it is time. Therefore, applying the secret I mentioned before (see #6) is essential to avoid stressful situations that make you less productive in your tasks.

Also, being alone to rest, do physical activity, read, listen to music and/or socialize is time well invested in your schedule. However, I want to emphasize moments for meditation and reflection.

Some research has revealed that meditation has been found to be effective in stimulating concentration and other benefits.

6.    Build a support network

This is one of the secrets of entrepreneurial mothers that has great relevance. Recognizing that we need the help of others makes it clear that there are certain limitations and that we are not alone in addressing them.

Support can be provided by family members, other women, partners, friends, institutions, collaborators, among others. The need to seek support is palpable even in recognized organizations such as UN Women to strengthen the mission.

Women who set out for success find in God their main support, strength and sustenance (Philippians 4:13). Moreover, they recognize that He is the one who has provided them with gifts and talents and, therefore, they pray and read the Bible seeking His guidance.

7.   Entrepreneurship with meaning and purpose

The last of the entrepreneurial mother secrets I share has its basis in 1 Corinthians 13.1-3. In this passage we find that the fullness of what we do is to be found in:

  • Enjoying the satisfaction of transcending and developing in community.
  • Putting at the service of others the abilities and talents received from God.
  • Loving through honest and committed service.

Human beings were created in the image and likeness of God, so the spirit of love and service is inherent to their need for fulfillment. Therefore, beyond being a dreamed desire, a successful business is one that has a positive meaning and purpose for everyone.

In fact, when what we do has a purpose, we are more likely to put more effort and provide better service. Consequently, we will have satisfied and happy clients and family members who will continue to support our work.

Would you like more information? Well, I am here to help you. Contact me through this number 407 618 0212.

Character Traits of Resilient Children

Are the characteristics of resilient children different from those of other children? Most definitely. But we will not focus on comparisons; we will focus on the positive traits of children raised under the precepts of resilience. I will show you some of the competencies and behaviors that distinguish them and make them stand out in any context.

God tells us in the Scriptures “I command you: be strong and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed…” (Joshua 1:9). Resilient children acquire courage and steadfastness which are evident in the characteristics I will show you below.

These are the main characteristics of resilient children

The characteristics of resilient children describe their ability to use internal and external resources to cope with adverse conditions, overcome them and become stronger. I will tell you a little about the ones you will be able to recognize most easily:

  • They solve problems skillfully

First of all, a resilient child has developed a special ability to handle and solve different kinds of problems. When faced with an obstacle, they calm down, calm their thoughts and emotions and act without losing their cool. They think carefully, choosing the solution that seems best for them.

If they do not get it right, they do not let themselves be overcome by negativity. They reflect again on the problem and make, once more, what they consider to be the best decision. This ability makes them confront any adverse situation with a healthy and positive attitude. Moreover, they are prepared to assimilate and manage change.

  • They practice emotional intelligence

They are children who have learned to recognize, accept, name, and express their emotions. This allows them to have greater emotional control, especially when it comes to negative emotions such as anger or panic.

A resilient child or adolescent is not afraid of his or her emotions because they have been raised in a context of acceptance and respect. They are aware of them, they know emotions are a part of themselves and they cannot lose control.

  • They are empathetic

When you raise a resilient child, you are helping them to develop empathy; not only towards other people but towards any living being. They are able to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and understand, from their heart, the motivation behind a smile, a cry, a tear.

This is essential in a world where ” egoism ” and the inability to feel the needs of others are often prevalent.

  • Have positive self-esteem

Some parents ask me if self-esteem can turn into pride or arrogance. Yes, it can, but resilient children are aware of their capabilities. Our role as parents, in these cases, is to remind them that humility is a virtue and that they should not allow their self-esteem to end up running over others.

In addition, they learn not to let themselves get carried away by the arrogance of believing that a problem is too easy when it is not. Trial and error are the best teachers for a resilient child.

  • They show a good sense of humor

This is a very common trait in resilient children. They are very pleasant to deal with and have a healthy sense of humor. They can face even the most difficult moments with a smile or a joking remark that takes the tension out of the moment.

This is not because they do not take the situation seriously or underestimate the seriousness of a problem; this attitude stems from their emotional control. In many cases, it stems from their faith and trust in God, so they seek to cheer up (even if only a little) people who are going through a bad time.

  • They know their creative potential

Having the freedom to solve problems, make decisions, and think increases their creative potential. This ability is not restricted to the imagination; it includes generating creative and original solutions to complex situations. A difficult circumstance in the hands of a resilient child can be transformed into something beautiful and useful.

  • They are optimistic

I am not talking about delusional optimism, but about optimism focused on reality and on the chances of success in the face of a setback. In general, their understanding of the world and of life is positive, because they know their resources and capabilities.

Other unique features

What I have just listed are perhaps the most outstanding qualities of resilient children. But there are many that you may have already noticed in your child, look for them in this list:

  • They are perceptive and knowledgeable about human nature.
  • They are tenacious and persevering. Do you think your child is stubborn? Take a closer look, what do you see now?
  • These children are organized and autonomous.
  • They are systematic, but not inflexible.
  • They are not controlling.
  • These children are not trapped by guilt.
  • They suffer from low levels of uncertainty.

If these qualities seem familiar to you and you think your child has them, look for ways to maximize them. Don’t forget that “To give an appropriate answer is a joy; how good is a word at the right time” (Proverbs 15:23). This is the right time to give your child the tools of resilience and strengthen the ones they already have.

Resilient children for an adult world

Sometimes, when we leave childhood and adolescence behind, we tend to forget what we were; we refuse to remember that being a child in an adult world is not as easy as it seems. We love our children, we care for them, we provide them with everything materially necessary, but what tools do we put in their hands for life?

Let us reflect a little; let us raise our eyes to God and ask ourselves, are we educating them to face adversity? Because they will experience adversity, whether we want them to or not: a change of country, the death of a parent, economic bankruptcy. These are events that happen when we least expect them.

A study of children aged 9 to 12 from single-parent families found high resilience in these children; the children were encouraged to develop autonomy and problem-solving skills, traits that can be enhanced before such situations occur.

Do you have any questions on this subject? If you would like more detailed and personalized guidance, call 407 618 0212 and ask all your questions.

What is bullying and how to know if a child is being bullied?

What is bullying? For anyone responsible for a child, it is important to know what bullying is and to recognize its signs. This problem affects thousands of young people worldwide; unfortunately, many parents do not realize that their children are subject to this hostile behavior.

My experience as a therapist has taught me that the role of parents in bullying situations is essential. That is why I invite you to join me in this article and to reflect, in the name of God, on this delicate subject.

What is bullying?

What is bullying? A persistent and abusive behavior from a bully that can cause physical or emotional harm to a child or adolescent. It may be group or individual aggression that exposes the victim to sustained public humiliation and ridicule.

The Bible tells us «Do not hurry yourself (…) to become offended» (Ecclesiastes 7:9); but the victims of bullying are generally vulnerable to mistreatment and often suffer serious psychological consequences that remain after the physical consequences have disappeared.

Characteristics of bullying

Although bullying is a complex phenomenon, it has a few outstanding characteristics:

  • It is intentional. The aggressor has every intention of assaulting their victim.
  • Bullying is consistent. The acts of harassment are sustained; they have been performed over and over again, repetitively and consistently.
  • It is carried out among peers. It is usually carried out by young people of the same age as the victim: schoolmates, teammates, neighbors, and even siblings or cousins.
  • Bullying has different manifestations. Abuse can be verbal (insults, threats, name-calling); sexual (touching the victim or making fun of his or her sexual orientation); physical (hitting, pushing); social (isolation, spreading rumors); cyberbullying (harassment by telephone or social networks).
  • Seeks defenseless victims. The aggressor or aggressors always choose physically or emotionally weaker victims to attack them. Children with a physical disability, with self-esteem problems, belonging to minority groups are the most bullied.
  • The absence of empathy prevails. The bully does not have the ability to «put him/herself in the shoes» of the assaulted. There is a complete disconnection with the suffering of the victim.
  • According to a study conducted by Spanish researchers, many adults perceive bullying as a transitory act; however, it has been proven that the dominance-submission relationship generated lasts over time; as well as its consequences in the adult life of the bullied.

How do you know if a child is suffering from bullying?

What is bullying and how to know if a child is being bullied? Changes in a bullied child’s behavior may not be noticeable if you are not paying attention. An attentive parent, however, will notice that:

  1. Has decreased school performance

In my conversations with parents, I often tell them that this is one of the most obvious signs that something is wrong. When a child begins to drop grades and performance in school, there is an urgent need to investigate what is happening.

  1. Presents anxiety problems

Anxiety usually manifests itself in situations such as lack of sleep, nightmares, irritability and loss of appetite. There are other more physical signs such as generalized malaise, breathing problems and exhaustion. It can also manifest itself in quick mood swings.

  1. Does not want to go to school

School is the child’s and adolescent’s personal space. It is the place to meet with classmates and share common activities and interests. Therefore, if a child is recurrently absent from school or expresses fear of attending, something negative is happening there.

  1. Is always on the defensive

They may be alert and defensive all the time. Also feel guilty about anything in their environment; or assume that someone is blaming them, even if it is not true.

  1. Suffer extreme emotional reactions

They may burst into tears, have episodes of anger or panic in irrelevant situations. I suggest you dig deeper and look for the real cause of these seemingly exaggerated outbursts.

  1. Is afraid of being alone

A victim of sustained harassment may be afraid of being alone; going out alone to the supermarket, going for a bike ride or playing in the park may be situations in which he or she is likely to encounter the aggressors. The fear may be such that he or she does not want to be alone even at home.

  1. Behaves aggressively at home

Irritability and aggressive behavior are consequences of the harassment that the child suffers at school. The child is overwhelmed and may explode in an environment where he/she feels it is safe to let out all the accumulated anger and resentment.

  1. Isolates or locks themselves in their room

The victim of bullying may show a tendency to isolate themselves, not only from their family, but also from their friends. It is normal for a teenager to spend time in their room and jealously guard their space, but excessive isolation and apathy can be a sign of bullying.

What can parents do in these cases?

Now you know the answer to the question: what is bullying? But what can you do in these cases? Specialists agree that bullying is a serious problem that must be tackled from all angles. In some cases, when the bullying situation disappears, children return to their normal life; in others, they require psychological and/or psychiatric support. Regarding home care, some actions that I can recommend for you are:

  • Establish a two-way communication channel with your child.
  • Show them that they can trust you.
  • Investigate the situation, the parties involved and the seriousness of the problem.
  • Contact teachers and school officials.
  • Consult a therapist to discuss assertive actions to confront the bully.
  • If your child feels very affected get professional help. This support is highly recommended in any case.

Something very important is to keep faith in God and not encourage your child to take revenge. It is essential to be positive, «Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult» (1 Pedro 3:9), acting firmly, but without hatred.

Regarding therapeutic care, do you have doubts about how to manage it? Call 407 618 0212 and I will be happy to answer your questions.

Suicide in children and adolescents: What is the reason for the increase during and after the pandemic?

The high suicide rate in children and adolescents is one of the devastating facts aggravated by the COVID-19 pandemic. The rates recorded between 2020 and 2021 are alarming. And it is even more worrying that one more year has passed and the aftermath seems to have no end.

What could be so harmful for a child or adolescent to think about ending his or her life? Well, it is just the beginning. This is a very sensitive subject and I want us to understand it together.

Did suicide occur in children before the pandemic?

The answer is yes. Unfortunately, the occurrence of suicide in children and adolescents has been recorded for many years. The associated causes have been diverse and despite the efforts of parents, caregivers and interested organizations, it has not been possible to avoid it.

In records from UNICEF’s State of the World’s Children 2021, we find that the child population was already showing a need for mental health care before the pandemic. Also other statistical media make comparative averages with infant suicide rates in the year 2019.

Why did the rates increase during the pandemic?

It is very important to mention that, based on the above data, we cannot look at the arrival of the pandemic as the cause of the suicides. But, yes, as a trigger for these to continue happening and in a higher percentage, according to the  statistics.

Now, before committing suicide, the person (of any age) will have experienced an altered mental condition; that is to say, far from healthy conditions and with poor self-esteem.

Of course, confinement (social isolation), uncertainty and the fatal losses of family members and thousands of people worldwide were ideal conditions to cause anxiety, restlessness and depression. Undoubtedly, the mental conditions conducive to suicide in children and young adults.

Confinement, Uncertainty and Death: A Child’s Eye View

Those of us who know about human development and behavior know that children are especially sensitive to changes in their routine and habits. Thus, isolating them from their loved ones, friends and activities of their liking is not easy for a child or a young teenager.

Infants are beginning to explore their environment, and young adolescents are eager for independence, freedom and integration. How do you endure isolation and control these needs that are part of them?

I invite you to put yourself in the shoes of a child and to think about the following:

  • How do I limit my desire to run (and others) to the space of the house and without friends or people other than mom and dad?
  • Add the question, “What is going on and when is this going to end?” and wait for the response from parents or adults who are noticeably overwhelmed and in crisis; anxious and, many times, angry.
  • “Nothing will ever be the same because many of them I will never see again.”
  • “Mom, Dad, are we going to die too?” and wait for the response from parents or adults angered by so many questions you ask. You feel that your concerns “take time away” from them to think about what to do, and besides, they are more overwhelmed than you are.
  • How would you handle it? Respond in the same position as a child.

The unknown trigger of suicide in children

The crisis of the inner self and therefore of the family is the root of suicide in children and young people. And, it is not talked about often because it is still a stigmatized subject.

It is no secret that we live in a world where the meaning of life has been driven by having and doing. The pandemic suppressed everyone from what they did and had; jobs, games, entertainment, studies, titles, money, control, status, security, vices. This was the greatest uncertainty.

Each member of the family was immersed in their own activities and their own experiences and individualities. The pandemic brought them all together in one place, the home, and in theory this should have been beneficial. But, with it, deep personal and family voids began to surface.

This emergency situation in which everyone needed to feel understood, listened to and valued, made them feel attacked, singled out, questioned, ignored, minimized. Not that this didn’t take place before the pandemic, but in the hustle and bustle of everyday life it had not been as noticed.

Sweet or bitter company at home

Being at home with those we love should be a sweet companionship for everyone, especially for our little ones. When the opposite happens, it generates in young people a sense of loneliness that has a profound impact on their worth and dignity.

When the feeling of worthlessness remains in a young and less mature mind there is a tendency to suicide. Now you will understand why, after confinement, suicide in children and adolescents has increased.

What happens after the pandemic?

The health crisis still remains, but we are resuming our activities by adopting and maintaining biosecurity measures. The confinement has ceased, the uncertainty has diminished; however, the aftermath remains and child suicides continue.

How to restart mental health? By giving greater presence to love and taking back the true meaning of life. The pandemic has shown that having and doing are not essential to being fulfilled; let us be guided by the presence of love, and God is love (1 Juan 4.8; Colossians 3.14).

It’s in the lack of closeness, listening, support, coverage and that feeling of lack of love that precedes the thought of suicide in children and adolescents. On the other hand, love is what gives meaning to people’s lives (1 Corinthians 13.2).

In that same love I want to extend to you the help you need in any situation of difficulty with your children and your family. You can contact me at this number 407 618 0212.

Six Strategies to prevent bullying at school

Learning about bullying is something that must be assumed by society worldwide. Especially, due to the increasing rate of occurrences in every country.

Recent research reveals that for every 10 children and adolescents, 6 of them have suffered bullying. Research also reveals that every year, approximately 200,000 children and young people around the world die at the hands of this silent enemy.

The good news is that, the same organization that reveals this data declares “we can defeat this enemy and save many lives”. And on the other hand, you and I are part of this and can contribute with good practices at home and at school.

Bullying can be prevented by giving it global visibility

It is possible to avoid bullying or school harassment by understanding that it is a reality and must be made visible. This is what Dr. Javier Miglino, expert in Child Protection, founder of Bullying Without Borders and creator of the World Day Against Bullying, states.

This NGO has presented global statistics on harassment (2020/2021) with the support of 50,000 professional collaborators in more than 30 countries. Some of the results obtained were:

  • 85% of the cases take place in school institutions.
  • More than 90% of cases are not reported to teachers.
  • 74% of children between 8 and 14 years have experienced bullying.

On the other hand, organizations such as the UN, UNICEF and UNESCO also state that bullying is a “real scourge” worldwide. For this reason, they have planned actions to address it and urge the inclusion of government policies in each nation to deal with it.

What can we do in our homes and schools?

Home and school are the main places where bullying takes place. Moreover, these are the main environments for the formation of the behavior of our children. Let us briefly share 6 fundamental strategies or actions to prevent bullying.

1.   Understand the definition of bullying

According to the World Health Organization, bullying is any form of physical, psychological or sexual intimidation or attack; it occurs repeatedly and causes harm, distress and/or fear to the victim.

Lack of clarity makes bullying go unnoticed. Expressions such as “it’s kid stuff”, “it’s no big deal,” or “I don’t think it’s bullying” are triggers. These can normalize the bully’s attitude or silence the victim. I have often recorded this in my consultations.

2.   Do not ignore irregular situations

A common mistake is to believe that it will disappear soon and that children can solve it on their own. To prevent bullying, it is important to know how to assess the situation. The following questions can help you:

  • Have there been previous conflicts?
  • Does the child feel that there is no equality of power?
  • Does the child fear that it will happen again?
  • Have those involved been meeting? (especially among adolescents)
  • Find out the background of those involved Are any of them supported by a gang or have they been assaulted before?
  • Does he/she prefer to isolate him/herself?

3.   Talk about bullying, take action and report it

Before speaking, listen attentively and with a commitment to the needs of each individual; understand their interests, possible fears, beliefs, or what they see as a challenge.

Lean on activities that encourage working together as well as altruism and empathy.

4.   Do your research and stay informed

UNICEF has made available a teaching and approach space to prevent bullying or school harassment; it’s called Guided against Bullying. In this program several parents, students, teachers and influencers share their personal experiences about bullying.

Learn about the support work done by organizations such as Bullying Without Borders and other related NGOs.

5.   Strengthen weak points

We can prevent bullying by knowing the weakness of the enemy. It is the misperception of themselves and the feeling of worthlessness present in each person involved. Let’s see briefly:

  • The bully seeks to be recognized and/or reproduce the aggression he/she suffers or suffered.
  • The bullied, is almost always someone who is insecure, isolated and/or has low self-esteem.
  • Permissive or silent witnesses remain insecure in the face of others’ pain.

These are data that can be confirmed by experts in human behavior and development. Each person involved suffers and is a victim; they also reveal, from their place, their lack of love, security, empathy, self-esteem and protection.

As a therapist, I can assure you that no child learns to love, be safe and empathetic by reading a book. We need to love our little ones committedly and let them know that they are important.

6.   Lean on the love that drives away fear

As we have just mentioned, any situation in which abuse is exercised or permitted is related to a lack of attention and self-esteem. To prevent bullying, our children need to feel loved.

Children who know they are loved will not need to attack or seek the attention they already have; they know they will be protected if they tell what is happening to them; they will know how to love and empathize and will not support abuse. However, in order to love your children, parents need to feel loved as well.

The good news is that above any affective deficiency you may have had, the love of God prevails and renews (1 Juan 4.8, 16,18). The Presence of God makes us close and attentive to ourselves and to others.

You have my full support to transcend the difficulty. The gifts that God has given me are at your service. You can contact me at this number 407 618 0212.

Common Problems in Marriage: Money – How to Prevent Your Finances from Being a Problem?

According to the Institute for the Financial Analysis of Divorce, money management is responsible for 22% of separations1; making it one of the most common problems in marriage and a potential jeopardy to its longevity.

The strain that managing finances causes on both partners in a marriage is remarkable.  Since they are two different people with different financial habits, they will have to become a team. Even Christian marriages can be affected by differences of opinion on how to manage money.

One spouse may be a spender while the other one is a saver. This is typically the case.  Whether it is due to the concept that each one has about money; the education each one of them received at home, or their expectations about the future, these two perspectives must come together; in order to achieve better communication and reduce arguments about money.

Let’s review some ideas about how to reach an understanding about money in marriage.

The Importance of a Financially Equitable Marriage

Living with your spouse and sharing the burdens in your marriage is a relief from daily stress.  Money problems in the family can be tenacious and unpleasant.

In some cases, one spouse may have to leave a well-paying job to stay home to care for the children or another family member. Oftentimes, the working spouse will take over finances and make all the decisions by him/herself. The financial stress generated by unbalanced situations like these can even lead to domestic violence2.

Decision-making within your marriage should be equitable, because a marriage that is financially equal will be a safe space for both men and women. A space where both parties are cautious about where the power resides in the relationship. The source of household income (jobs, inheritances) and spending styles (how much and how it is spent) are topics to discuss before marriage. It is unlikely to find a partner who has the same exact ideas as you do about money.

When you first enter a marriage, you may not be fully aware of your spouse’s preferences just yet, including their spending habits.

If you feel that your spouse has a different stance regarding finances, do not avoid addressing it. The first step in creating a successful financial plan between spouses is for both to begin to see each other as a partnership.

Ways to prevent money from ruining your relationship

Some of most common topics in marriage counseling are parenting and sexuality. But no one seems to want to talk about a topic that is of great importance, money. Dealing with this issue turns out to be an uncomfortable topic for many couples.

I have recognized such a big aversion toward this topic that the patterns of dysfunction around finances can become like those of sexual intimacy. Pleasure and pain can be defined through money.  A study published in the scientific journal PLOS One 3 states that the perception of injustice in the distribution of finances has a worse effect on marital balance than the perception of injustice in the distribution of household chores.

Both parties must be able to know how much the other partner earns. Financial habits are more linked to personality than to role responsibility4. Then, how do you prevent money from being a problem in your relationship?

Understand your partner’s mindset about money

Before you get married you need to understand your partner’s mindset about money. As uncomfortable as the subject may be, you should talk about pending debts, loans, sources of income, investments, and other financial obligations you have. If you are already married, and you and your partner are hiding information of this nature, bring it to light.

Having nothing to hide, it will be simpler to see the full picture of your financial situation and the perception your partner has about money. But this will not stop certain problems from happening. Why? Would you be surprised if I told you that many arguments between husbands and wives that seem to be over money, are not really about that?

It is rather a clash of tempers. You may be upset that your spouse spends too much money, but what infuriates you is not that you cannot afford those expenses, it is that you are afraid you will not be able to pay your bills in the future. In this case I would ask: “Were your parents frugal or compulsive spenders? Did they have a limited budget?” Answer those questions to learn more about yourself and your partner.

You need to have the same financial expectations and priorities

You cannot expect that both partners’ incomes and jobs will be the same as they were when you first got married. Life goes on and circumstances change.

You need to sit down, even once a year, to discuss what your expectations and financial priorities are: talk about what responsibilities or measures you can take to be on the same page so that both of you can feel comfortable with handling money.

If you want to work together so you can pay off a debt or save more, or to start thinking about your retirement, you need to have the same goals5.

Give yourselves a mutual break

Although marital finances is a topic that should be constantly pursued, I understand that talking to your spouse about each of the purchases you make can feel restrictive. Especially, when you will have to “defend” a purchase that your partner finds unnecessary or does not approve. It is the perfect recipe for disaster.

A simple solution is to have separate budgets to spend on discretionary items of your choice. Take it as “money to have fun”; an amount that will be agreed considering the possibilities of both of you and that each one may spend at your own discretion as long as you respect the budget established for this section. This will bring great success to your relationship.

Increase your knowledge about money

Finally, it will be useful if both of you learn more about how to manage your finances. You can take a course, read books about investing, or watch videos.  Bob Lotich’s Managing Money God’s Way is, for example, a good read to guide our Christian finances6.

God gives us money, and it is our duty to be the best stewards we can be so that we can take care of our homes.

Do you need to know more about the subject? I invite you to contact us at 407 618 0212.