Let’s see some examples of financial infidelity. Santiago and Mary are the typical couple who fight tirelessly to achieve the American Dream. Santiago works in the banking industry and Mary works as a high school teacher. They have been married for more than 10 years. But even though they have steady jobs, they have serious financial problems. These problems have grown over the years. Now they find themselves on the verge of separation because trust and respect have been lost.
Mary alleges that Santiago never shows her the status of their finances. And he always tells her that there is no more money left. Santiago controls what spends and what does not spend at home. He gives Mary a monthly amount of money for her personal expenses. But, other than that, Mary does not have access to more money. She feels that her husband is hiding the family’s financial status from her.
However, Santiago confessed in therapy that he has a money issue. He spends the money buying unnecessary electronics without telling his wife, and justifies it by saying that he needs them to be able to work. But the most serious problem is that Santiago, secretly, sends money to his relatives in his home country so that they can build a house. Mary never knew about this expense. Santiago said he does not know how his wife will react to this and that he feels obliged to help his family. So, he came seeking professional help, so he can tell his wife what he has been doing for years.
Financial infidelity is very common
This is a typical problem in many marriages today, financial infidelity. This consists of spending money, owning credit cards or loans, having secret accounts or money deposits, borrowing money, or incurring debt without the spouse or partner knowing it. Financial infidelity in a relationship can include any financial decision made by one of the spouses that may affect, overload, strain, or delay the financial planning in the relationship, as we see in Mary and Santiago’s case.
The most serious problem with this situation is that it results in a loss of intimacy and trust in the relationship. In a 2021 Harris Poll survey for the National Endowment for Financial Education, 43 percent of U.S. adults who had ever combined finances with a partner said they had committed at least one financial deception, such as hiding a purchase or an account or misstating debt.
Why does financial infidelity happen?
In my experience, social media can add pressure to look like you have more than you do.
While some people rely on photos prepared cleverly to keep up with the Joneses. Others may actually be immersed in debts or go bankrupt in order to maintain an image or to keep their pride afloat.
Not everyone who hides money is a compulsive spender. Many families carry some debt, and hiding it adds secrecy on top of stress.
How harmful is financial infidelity?
Financial infidelity can seriously damage trust in a relationship. Research on 4,574 U.S. couples (Dew et al., 2012) found that disagreements about money predicted divorce more strongly than other common marital disagreements. Given the role that finances play in the health of relationships, consumers benefit from being aware of financial infidelity and its consequences.
How to prevent financial infidelity
Be transparent about household finances. There is no magic formula. It is not easy to overcome the fear, guilt, and anxiety that goes with being completely transparent about your expenses. A key to developing this habit is to impose a rule on yourself: frequent and open communication, without exception. Especially if only one member of the family retains control over the household finances.
Develop an action plan
In my experience, the best way to avoid surprises is to establish a well-defined plan and stick to it. It is important to establish a family budget. It must consider not only regular expenses like mortgage or rent and utilities, but also long-term goals and emergencies.
Have only one bank account
Some financial experts suggest keeping only one shared account. But others recommend each spouse keep a separate account for the little things they want for themselves. I believe that a single shared account will prevent financial infidelity. If there is a fund in the budget meant for one half of the couple. Then that specific amount can be placed in a personal account.
If you are experiencing financial infidelity in your life, maybe it is time to seek professional help. Do not let finances destroy your relationship. Find the courage to confront your problem and heal your relationship.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- National Endowment for Financial Education. (2021, November). 2 in 5 Americans admit to financial infidelity against their partner (The Harris Poll survey, June 28-30, 2021). https://www.nefe.org/news/2021/11/2-in-5-americans-admit-to-financial-infidelity-against-their-partner.aspx
- Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61, 615-628. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/facpub/4526
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