Being married to a sex addict is a complex and exhausting situation. The first thought a person might have is to give up on the marriage. However, is it advisable to classify all sexual addicts into one group?
God made men and women to be devoted to each other, in the biggest joys and the biggest sorrows. This is why my suggestion is that, first, you gather information regarding this matter and understand the possibilities within your reach.
I want you to understand that “sex addiction” is not a formal diagnosis in the DSM, and professionals disagree about the term; many describe it as compulsive sexual behavior, which can feel out of control to the person who lives it. Its causes are not fully understood and are not explained by a single factor. Suffering from any compulsive behavior is distressing, so, in cases as complex as these, the best thing to do is to take some time to reflect and learn about it.
Let us begin.
Seven things every sex addict’s partner should know
For someone to recover from compulsive sexual behavior, their own commitment to treatment is essential; a partner’s support can help, but the partner is not responsible for the recovery. I am not going to lie to you by saying it is easy. You are not obliged to stay where your safety or well-being is compromised, and the decision is yours.
Before making a decision, I recommend you consider these 7 statements that will help you open your eyes about this condition.
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Your suspicions might be real
It is difficult to admit that a husband has a sexual addiction, therefore, your first reaction might be denial. It is normal to feel this way, I witness it all the time. But when obvious signs appear, it is not healthy to deny them as though they were not there.
For example, if your husband seems depressed, and anxious, and he withdraws himself from others, including you, it is a sign that something is wrong, as well as when he disconnects from you emotionally and your mutual sex life is dying, when he avoids sexual intercourse with you or when he evades the issue of sexuality. These signs can have many causes, including stress, depression, health problems or other difficulties in the marriage, so they do not prove anything on their own.
If you talk with your husband about what you have noticed, do not expect a complete answer on the first try, and choose a time and place where you feel safe.
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It is not your fault
I am going to tell you this so that you can take it into account. You are not the one to be blamed for your husband’s sexual addiction. As an independent human being, he is free to make his own decisions regarding his sexual behavior, and the behavior may even have started before he married you.
I have worked with men who struggle with compulsive pornography use and hide it from their future wives out of shame. So, do not believe you are the cause of the problem. His distance from you is not a verdict on your appearance or your worth.
Women tend to have their self-esteem affected by this issue. And they develop a fear of being rejected, but this is useless when it comes to healing. Invite your husband to take responsibility for his behavior; you can support him, but you do not have to carry it for him.
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You cannot fix everything by yourself
You will not be able either to fix your husband’s behavior on your own, without his help. It is impossible. No one changes if he/she does not want to, and we are only capable of changing ourselves, not others.
Where am I going with this? Monitoring your husband constantly so that he does not fall into his addiction, to the point where you lose your own life, will not solve anything. The addict must want to improve himself and for you, for his family. You can ask that he seek professional help.
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It is healthy to admit your own feelings
You might be confused, sad, or angry in the face of having a husband who is a sex addict. You might experience all these stages at your own pace. Furthermore, you do not need to deny them or believe you are stronger than you are.
I want you to know that people can heal and let their feelings flow. If you feel like this is too much for you to deal with alone, seek other people’s support.
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Forgiving is not forgetting
You must not feel ashamed of trying to restore a marriage that was broken by sexual addiction. Forgiveness, if and when you are ready, can free you from resentment, and there is no deadline for it. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, and it does not mean trusting again before trust has been rebuilt.
You will not achieve anything positive by seeking revenge or a way to make your husband pay for his flaws, and forgiving him does not mean that you are renouncing your pain and grief. Forgiveness will free you from resentment and when it becomes too difficult for you to let it go, seek help for your emotional well-being.
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You are powerful
The decision to stay or to leave is in your hands. You are the one who has the power to set boundaries, fight together, or just take a path of healing in solitude.
You have control over your life, regardless of the decision you make. Whether you choose one option or the other, you will most likely need help. Remember, you must believe in yourself.
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You have worth
You have the right to have respect and love in your marriage. Maybe you do have flaws in your marriage, you are not perfect, but those flaws are not causing the sexual choices your husband is making. They do not define your worth.
If you feel that you are not enough, that it is your fault, know that none of those feeling are healthy for you. You do not have to feel fully confident to face this challenge; courage can grow one step at a time.
What do you do when your husband is a sex addict?
When you first find out that your husband is a sex addict, you do not have to decide right away: you can take time, get support and consider your options, including separating for a while, staying and working on the marriage, or leaving. If you choose the former, you must pay attention to your own needs and insecurities first. Forgiving a sexual betrayal can be traumatizing for some people.
These are some actions you can take if you decide to stay:
- Turn to professionals: The main thing is to seek professional help and go together as a couple. Also, follow the recommendations with an open mind.
- Look after your health: If your husband had sexual contact with other people, ask a physician about testing for sexually transmitted infections.
- Take care of yourself: Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Work on your self-esteem, seek social support and exercise more, or practice a new hobby, for your well-being.
- Do not have sexual intimacy with your husband until you get your confidence back. Do not push yourself to have sex with your partner after he betrayed you. Take your time to heal. Meanwhile, he can work on his own recovery with a professional or a recovery group until you are ready.
- Do not assume the responsibility for your partner’s abstinence. If you are able to forgive your addict husband, who is walking the path to recovery, you do not have to be his babysitter. He, as a grown man, is responsible for controlling himself. He is also responsible for not breaking the promises he made so that you would stay by his side.
Last words when your husband is a sex addict
Working on sexual addiction is scary for any wife. But as long as there is a commitment from the husband’s side, life is about second chances.
Do not forget that it is valid to have doubts about what is best for your case.
If at any point you feel pressured, threatened or forced into sex, or you are afraid of how your husband might react, that is not an addiction issue but a safety issue: please see the numbers below.
What do you most need right now: information, rest, or someone to talk to?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Moral Revolution, “7 Things Every Spouse of a Sex Addict Should Know” (adapted; link in the text).
- Josephs, L. (2018). “Is Your Husband a Sex Addict?” Psychology Today (link in the text).
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I have gone through this many times and have only really figured it out recently. I am in tremendous pain of this revelation and feel as though I cannot work or live a normal life. I need help and he needs help. Once he told me he would get help, then we didn’t have the money. I thought things were better for a while, but only because I was babysitting. I have no life, no intimacy, nor trust with him. He is a sex addict, drug abuser, probably psychotic, a liar and today is claiming he does not need help and giving me the ultimatums.