Under the principles of Positive Parenting, we will have three main goals for our children: to transmit our Christian values, to prepare them for adult life, and to protect their safety, including their health.
These are purposes any parent can easily identify with, as it is our mission to protect and educate our children. However, the relationship with your child may be at a delicate point, or perhaps you feel that he or she is moving away from you.
If you think this is your case, do not be discouraged, because there are practical steps that can help. Positive Parenting can help your child feel more secure and cooperate more, and it often benefits the parent as well.
Positive parenting: It all starts with you
Before I start giving you tips on applying Positive Parenting in your home, I want to clarify a very important point. For the lessons of positive parenting to have the desired effect, you need to be the first one to work on it.
How can you do this? The first thing you must do is commit to regulating your own emotions. We are so immersed in our own conflicts that we let them affect our children when they should not. When you lose your patience, you can repair it with a sincere apology.
The second thing is to be committed to and prioritize the father-child or mother-child connection. If you forget the commitments you made, why should a child respect them? You lead, you set the example. They cooperate and follow your lead.
Thirdly, the love and affection you give your children should never, I repeat, never be paused as a form of punishment, nor used as a way of controlling or manipulating. You are there to be a guide, to be a coach who, regardless of what happens, will continue to care about what happens to your children.
Tips for practicing Positive Parenting
Positive Parenting values reflection, fluid communication, and, above all, love between parents and children. But how do I apply all this in my family? Here are some tips that I know you will find very useful:
1. Evaluate all the teachings you are giving them
Applying Positive Parenting is much more than just committing to not yelling at your child when he or she misbehaves. It is much more than that. It requires restructuring your relationship. You need to carefully evaluate your behavior with your children based on whether it strengthens or weakens your relationship with them.
Considering that strengthening bonds is your main focus, think of your disciplinary strategy as a way to tighten your relationship with them. When a child feels attached to his or her parents, it is natural for him or her to want to please them.
Instead of punishing, it is your job to guide them to respect the limits you set. An important detail when setting limits is that you have to be realistic about their abilities. Do not forget to be empathetic with them and help them focus on improving their behavior.
Be careful with punishments: harsh or frequent punishment tends to generate fear and resentment and does little to teach the behavior we want. Physical punishment and humiliation have no place in this approach.
2. Teach them to regulate their emotions
Because of their lack of experience and their level of development, it is easy for children to be controlled by their emotions. It is often hard for them to identify what they are feeling or why they behave a certain way at times.
But you, as a parent, can help them. It is your role to explain what they feel in words that fit their level of understanding. Let them know that they are able to learn to control themselves and improve their behaviors.
3. Corrections should always reaffirm your connection
Children are more likely to misbehave when they feel bad about themselves or when they feel disconnected from us. That is why it is so vital to reaffirm how connected we are, so they feel confident enough to talk about what is bothering them, to be honest with you when they misbehave, and to listen to your suggestions.
For example, if your younger child pushes your older one, stand at their level and talk to them while looking into their eyes. You can tell them as you take this position: “You do not have to push your brother. Pushing is wrong, you can hurt him or cause him to fall. Next time, ask him to move and say please.”
Or if you know that your daughter ate all the cookies in the kitchen, instead of accusing her in front of the whole family, take a moment alone, put your hand on her shoulder and say something like: “Are you afraid to tell me about the cookies? You know you can tell me everything.”
4. Set limits, but with empathy
Applying Positive Parenting in your home does not mean forgetting about limits. On the contrary, they are still very necessary. However, they must be set with empathy. As an authority figure, it is your duty to enforce the rules. But enforcing them is easier if the children know that their parents understand them and would not act to harm them.
Think about this: if limits make no sense to a child or hurt him or her, it will be hard to trust the person who sets them, however obedient the child is. Following this principle, the next time you set a limit, add sentences that validate your children’s feelings.
For example, if you tell your children to go to bed early, let them know that you understand how sad it makes them, but how necessary it is for them to do it. Or if they are afraid to face their guilt, explain to them that being afraid is normal and that it is more important to always tell the truth.
When there are physical fights between siblings, I advise you to intervene immediately; but once the conflict is calm, it will be time to empathize with both parties. Emphasize that hitting is not the solution and that problems can be solved more easily by talking.
5. The way you treat your children will shape the way they learn to treat themselves
Have you ever noticed how many adults who grew up with very harsh parents find it hard to believe in themselves? The way our parents treat us in childhood often shapes the way we see ourselves as adults.
That said, you have great influence in your hands. If you are hard on them, they tend to be hard on themselves, and if you are too permissive with them, they tend to be too permissive with themselves. The best option is to set appropriate boundaries, express them with love, and help them develop more positive self-perceptions.
When you discipline harshly, ironically, you are not raising perfect little soldiers. You may be raising children who find it harder to regulate themselves, who feel less free to be honest, and who carry more fear than confidence.
Discipline them constructively, understand them, love them, and let them know that Our Lord is with us always, taking care of us.
Which one of these five tips could you start practicing with your child this week?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you suspect child abuse
Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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