Blog – Page 2 – Dr Duany

Codependent or simply dependent: what is the big difference?

Dependent and codependent are two terms we hear frequently these days. But have you ever thought about what emotional dependency and codependency really mean? What differentiates one from the other? What are their most common characteristics and signs?

I think it is very important to talk about this topic, since the percentage of people suffering from dependence and codependence is quite alarming. Wegscheider-Cruse, a specialist in codependency, mentioned in one of his studies (1990) that 96% of the inhabitants of the United States are codependent.

Likewise, PSB Psicólogos estimates that 11% of the inhabitants of Mexico have a degree of affective dependence. They even pointed out that a percentage close to 50% have recognized that they suffer from dependency symptoms. The data provided is from 2008.

In my experience as a therapist I have seen many people suffer from some kind of emotional dependency, especially with their partners. Many times I am asked, Dr. Duany, how do I know if it is a simple dependency or if I am falling into codependency? Let’s talk about it below.

What does it mean to be codependent?

Before I explain what it means to be codependent, I want to share something with you. I always tell my patients that it is normal in any relationship to have a minimum degree of dependency. It is even healthy for the couple, because if we function as totally individualistic beings the relationship can also become unhealthy or dysfunctional.

However, it is necessary to set limits so that we do not end up being codependent. This term is often confused with dependency, but I must make it clear that they are not the same thing.

Codependency is a form of affective dependency, but it differs from this because here the person takes on the role of “savior” or “helper”. This is confirmed by psychologist Marcelo Aguirre, who explains that the codependent, with this role of giver, generates dependence in their partner. That is to say, they become indispensable for him/her.

How to recognize a codependent person? 7 main characteristics

The writer and creator of the RAN Method, Olga Fernandez Txasko, explains in one of her books that codependency is associated with a deep disinterest in oneself. Therefore, codependent people are focused on the needs of others.

The same author points out that codependents crave gratitude, a sense of always being needed. Likewise, marriage therapist and codependency expert Darlene Lancer, explains that the main symptoms of codependency are:

Shame
Low self-esteem
Denial
Dysfunctional communication
Control problems
Intimacy problems
Dysfunctional boundaries

In order for you to better understand how to know if someone is codependent or if you are having codependent traits, I’ll show you the 7 main characteristics of this type of person.

Desperate need to feel loved.
Exaggerated fear of abandonment, rejection or criticism.
Extreme need to control the other.
Difficulty in setting limits.
Obsessive ideas.
Judging themselves severely.
Playing the role of victim, because, although their behavior of “helping others and being their savior” is not sincere, they feel used and not valued for the help given to their partner.

Moreover, in a codependent relationship, the focus will always be on the other person, so the codependent suppresses or ignores his or her interests, needs and goals. These characteristics are mentioned by psychologist Fernando Mansilla in his work Codependency and interpersonal psychotherapy (2002).

What is a dependent person?

After talking about codependency, I want to explain to you what it means for a person to be dependent and its central characteristics. This way you will be able to realize the clear difference between them.

Often people come to my office as a therapist and tell me phrases like “I cannot live without him” or “I cannot continue my life without her”, “I am going to die if he is not with me”. This type of beliefs or affirmations are typical in people with affective dependence.

According to psychologist Aguirre (2019), affective dependence comprises a set of emotions, behaviors and beliefs that are characterized by an intense need for affection (always unsatisfied). At the same time, the dependent person persistently and exaggeratedly demands attention, usually from his or her partner.

Main characteristics of a dependent person

Being dependent is not healthy at all. It can even be dangerous, because the dependent person feels that they need the presence of another person to do their activities and fulfill their dreams and goals in life.

Pay attention to the following characteristics. Do any of these behaviors or traits sound familiar to you?

Poor self-concept and low self-esteem, to the point of complete devaluation.
Tendency to Idealize others, seeking in them security and excessive support.
Intense fear of loneliness. Just the thought of separation causes anxiety. The dependent person even endures mistreatment, humiliation and abuse of any kind in order to avoid being abandoned.
Obsessively seeking contact with the other person.
Irrational jealousy.
Prioritizing the relationship over their most basic needs.

As you can see, the dependent person suffers a lot. Several studies have pointed out that it is a disorder that can be suffered by both women and men. It often involves various pathologies such as depression, crying spells, risky behaviors, among others.

The big difference between codependent and dependent

Now that you know the traits of dependent and codependent people, you have probably been able to establish the differences yourself. It is true that they have many characteristics in common, such as inordinate fear of abandonment, extreme need for affection and low self-esteem.

However, the big difference lies in the fact that the person who is simply dependent seeks in a direct way the affection and acceptance of the other. While the codependent individual presents himself as the “savior” of the dependent person, that is, they become dependent on the other’s need for dependence.

Remember that, if you have any questions about this subject or need help to treat your affective dependence or codependence, you can call this number 407 618 0212. I will be happy to assist you.

The 3 Most Important Elements in a Lasting Marriage

Today I want to share with you the 3 most important elements in a marriage to be happy and lasting. Many experts in the field of psychology have explained over time that marriage is a difficult bonding process to maintain.

It seems that couples are becoming less and less committed or are afraid to take the risk of establishing strong and healthy bonds. To give you a better idea, the NCHS (National Center for Health Statistics) noted that the years 2017-2019 saw the lowest marriage rate ever. Even by 2020, this rate continued to decline dramatically.

It is true that, as human beings, our emotions and thoughts are very complex. Moreover, there are many external factors that can shake a marriage. So what makes a union last, what is the most important element in a marriage that keeps it from falling apart?

3 Important Elements in a Lasting Marriage

I know you are thinking that one of the most important things in a marriage is love. Let me tell you that it takes much more than that. Of course it is essential for a couple to have love, but it is not everything.

Many times in talking with my patients, with the people I help as a therapist and pastor, I find that there is love in the relationship, but there is no commitment, no willingness to change, no respect, to name a few things.

While it is true that a healthy and lasting marriage seems like an extremely difficult road to travel, it is not unattainable. There are 3 very important things that need to be in place in your relationship for your marriage to be happy.

1. Knowledge

Recent Cornell University research on happy marriages showed that, despite the different factors in a relationship, there are three common elements present in successful marriages.

The first of these is knowledge, both of yourself and of your partner. If you know yourself, your interests, what you value in life and what your goals are, you are likely to want a partner who is supportive and has similar values to yours.

As I have told you before, marriage is a union between two totally different, unique people. However, it is necessary to share a space with common interests and values in order for the marriage to have a solid foundation.

Sometimes in my consultations couples arrive with some difficulty or problem and I ask them: Do you know what your partner likes, what he/she loves, what he/she values? Do you know what he/she likes to do in his/her free time? Do you have an idea of what his/her goals or projects for the future are?

What can I do to get to know the other?

I always recommend reading and applying the Gottman method, developed by the mathematician and psychologist John Gottman. This renowned doctor explains that in a healthy marriage there must be a deep friendship, that is, the couple must know each other intimately. By intimate I mean your personality, your hopes, dreams, weaknesses, likes and dislikes and more.

It is the responsibility of each of you to know each other in depth, to know what you love, what you want in life. The best way to achieve this is by sharing experiences and having authentic communication, but this element is what I will talk about next.

2. Communication

The second most important factor in a marriage is authentic communication. In the Cornell University study I mentioned earlier, survey participants responded that they believe one of the leading causes of divorce or separation is due to communication problems.

I totally agree with that statement. That’s why one thing I repeat whenever I can to the marriages I counsel is that talking to your partner is the best thing you can do for your relationship.

Authentic communication means opening up to the other person, being honest about how you feel, sharing your emotions and aspirations, and even your fears and doubts. But authentic communication also means actively listening to your partner, not just you talking and talking, but real communication between two people who love each other.

3. Commitment

Last but not least, there is commitment. By joining in marriage, you and your partner have made a commitment, not only here on earth, but also in the eyes of God.

There is always the possibility of separation and some cases where divorce is the healthiest decision. However, experiencing your union as something unbreakable, something to protect and defend, and not as an obligation, will make your marriage much stronger and happier.

What about when things aren’t going well? my patients ask me, and my answer is that you have to respect and commit to the relationship even more! There will always be difficulties along the way, the challenge will be to find a way to resolve and emerge stronger from that situation.

Knowledge, communication and commitment as a happy formula for marriage

It is a known fact that in the United States around half of all marriages end in divorce or separation. This is according to statistical information from the CDC in the country.

Although this can happen for different reasons, how can a couple that has decided to get married make sure that they don’t end up in these statistics?

As in any relationship, marriages also go through challenges that must be overcome with the effort and commitment of both parties. There is no magic recipe to make your relationship last forever and be happy, but with the 3 common elements in every successful marriage that I presented you can achieve it.

Do you want to share some life experience or have questions about the most important things in a marriage? Contact me through this number 407 618 0212. I am here to listen to you and help you in whatever you need.

Resolving marital problems

Regardless of their severity, resolving marital problems is possible. It will take time, but if there is commitment and determination on both parts, there are strategies to move towards good results. Take note of these tips and don’t hesitate to apply them in your relationship.

1. Improve dialogue

Most conflicts are born out of a failure to communicate. Talking is not the same as having a fluid and healthy dialogue in the relationship. It involves much more than that. To ensure a healthy way of discussing problems in your relationship, keep these points in mind:

Avoid shouting.
Never disrespect or insult.
Speak about the source of the problem with transparency and honesty.
Don’t divert the focus with secondary issues or situations from the past.
Don’t involve third parties or other people’s opinions.

Clinical psychologist Elena Daprá recommends that when communicating as a couple you should take the time to listen to each other. Often, the “internal radio” can make it difficult to understand things from another perspective.

2. Regain trust in each other

When the source of the conflict involves a breakdown in the values of marriage, it is essential to heal that aspect. In order for there to be room for resolution, there must be a bond of honesty and credibility between the parties.

There are situations where trust seems hopeless, such as infidelity. If you are going through this, don’t despair, you can still rebuild trust and resolve the problems.

3. Provide emotional support

A key to avoiding and resolving conflict is mutual support. Working on emotional companionship with your partner can strengthen or help to restore bonds. Don’t just think about your feelings, in a time of crisis, taking into account other people’s emotions is a great demonstration of love.

An article in the journal of the National Autonomous University of Mexico reports on emotional bonds in marriage. How caring for each other positively affects the construction of identity, as well as the personal and social well-being of the couple.

4. Respect individuality

Although it may seem contradictory, there are times when it is wise to give each other space. This is something I often stress to couples who come to therapy. Knowing your partner will help you to detect when they need time to reflect before telling you how they feel. Trying to speed up the process can deepen the severity of the problem.

5. Renew trust in intimacy

Sexuality in a couple can be a source of conflict in many ways. If there is no fulfilment in intimacy, it can hardly translate into a happy marriage. Find a way to talk to your partner about how you feel and work together to regain this important bond in your married life.

6. Aim for realistic expectations

When it comes to conflict resolution, expectations always come into play. This is because what we expect from the other person can be detrimental to the way we analyze and judge their actions. It is a veil that prevents us from being objective in understanding the problem and its real origin.

When seeking to resolve a crisis in marriage, start by having a clear vision of reality. The renowned Spanish psychologist, Silvia Congost, says that your standards may be influenced by your environment and the values you prioritize. Try to be aware of them so that they do not affect your perception.

7. Generate quality time together

It is almost impossible to resolve a conflict if you are not willing to give up personal time to invest in your partner. Finding quality time to share between the two of you will bring many benefits:

Optimal situations for dialogue.
Mutual trust and development of intimacy.
Breaking the routine.
Encouraging companionship.
Getting to know each other individually.
Strengthen desire and renew the passion.

Monotony can lead to the extinction of the couple’s identity. If children are involved, it is important to try to have moments of intimacy to develop the relationship beyond the role of parents.

8. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

When it comes to putting feelings on the table to solve marital problems, it is important to put oneself in the other person’s place. Empathy is the key to understanding without judging and to reach agreements that are beneficial for the couple.

9. Forgive with sincerity

Forgiveness is indispensable for closing stages of crisis. Putting aside personal egos, with a common goal of achieving the well-being of the marriage, forgiveness must be real and sincere. Doing so out of obligation or comfort will not heal the wounds of the conflict and will prevent a lasting resolution over time.

Keep in mind that an unhealed wound will reopen and deepen. Remember that just as God forgives our sins, so we must forgive the offences of others, as His Word says in Ephesians 4:32.

10. Seek professional help

Often conflicts in a couple can become too much of a stumbling block for the normal development of a marriage. If this is the case, seeking therapy or professional help is not a cause for embarrassment or personal failure – quite the contrary!

Seek help from experts who understand your needs. Your marriage can grow and learn from its conflicts. Call me at 407-618-0212 and I will give you personal attention for your situation.

10 Signs that you are in a One-sided Relationship

Do you feel that you are giving all your effort to your partner, but you are not receiving the same? If so, you may be immersed in a one-sided relationship. Today I’ll give you 10 signs so you can spot it early and work to resolve it as soon as possible. Your marriage still has hope.

As the name implies, a partnership implies parity in the efforts of both parties to grow. When this doesn’t happen, the bond begins to fray. There is research that demonstrates the importance of two-way bonding for healthy personal growth and self-fulfillment.

Trying to maintain a healthy dynamic in your partner is the key to individual and relationship growth. Even so, many couples come to therapy with problems of one-sidedness. What is the limit between making an effort in your relationship and falling into a bond without reciprocity? I will tell you how to notice it in time.

What do we mean by “one-sided relationship”?

A one-sided relationship is one in which only one of the parties contributes energy to the preservation of the relationship. This type of dynamic is extremely damaging and ends up causing severe consequences, especially in the person who is constantly self-demanding.

The greatest danger lies in naturalizing these habits, to the point where they become almost indistinguishable. That is why, as Dr. John Gottman teaches, in a relationship, it is necessary for both partners to show mutual support in all situations, even the smallest and most everyday ones.

How to find out if your relationship is one-sided

Before I go any further, I would like to tell you that even though you feel this may be the end of your relationship, it doesn’t have to be. As a therapist, I have seen many couples get out of this pit and you can do it, even if it feels like there is no love in your marriage anymore. The important thing is to find these “symptoms” early.

Here are 10 signs that can help you recognize a one-sided relationship and begin to address these situations before further damage is done. Based on the research of Dr. Jill P. Weber.

1. Insecurity

If you are reading this, it is because you feel that something is not right in your relationship. If you constantly fear that it will collapse and this feeling becomes distressing and overwhelming, it may be a one-sided relationship. Don’t try to solve it by trying too hard, the first thing is always to talk to your partner and express how you feel.

2. Low self-esteem

Insecurity and overexertion in a relationship can lead to serious self-esteem issues. Do you feel insufficient? Do you think no one could ever love you? Don’t let that feeling take root in your heart, remember that in Proverbs 31:25, God calls us to rise up with dignity and strength.

One of the consequences of low esteem is codependency. That is, an unhealthy need for your partner to depend on you at all times. Let me tell you that you are worth a lot on your own. You should not cling to the need of another to measure your worth.

3. Inability to express feelings

In a couple, the expression of mutual feelings is the fundamental way of showing love and interest. If you are afraid that they will not be well received or reciprocated, your relationship may not be two-way.

4. You invest too much time in the relationship

Not only time and physical actions, but also the constant expenditure of mental and psychic energy is a sign. Putting everything by your side without getting anything in return is a wear and tear that will not bring good results. Moreover, it will lead to habituation and will be more difficult to reverse.

5. Communication is poor or unhelpful

Arguments are normal in a relationship and most of the time they can be solved with good dialogue. However, if it has reached the point where communication is not flowing or not helping to resolve conflicts, it is a warning sign.

6. You always end up giving in every argument

Research from the National Autonomous University of Mexico reveals the relevance of negotiating. When living together and building a path together, it is important that both partners are able to give up some of their interests or desires for the common good.

Reaching a point where you always give in because you are afraid of upsetting your partner is an indicator that something is not right. Negotiations in a relationship should always be 50/50 between the two of you, in order to reach healthy agreements for both of you.

7. You don’t feel understood

In line with the previous points, when you are the only one contributing to the relationship, you end up feeling misunderstood. In a one-sided relationship there will always be a lack of understanding from one of the parties, so this is a sign you should be aware of.

8. You make excuses for the other person’s mistreatment.

When the mistreatment or interest of the other starts to become a habit, it is normal for the one who has put in too much effort to look for justifications. This is where the excuses begin:

“Doctor, he doesn’t have time, he works too much.”

“He’s just not very demonstrative, he’s always been like that.”

It is no easy task to assume that you have given so much of yourself and are getting nothing. However, justifying such attitudes only gets in the way of acknowledging the situation and then working on restoration.

9. You feel jealous all the time

Lack of attention or indifference on the part of your partner is likely to lead to constant doubt about his or her feelings. You may believe that he or she will be unfaithful at every opportunity and feel insecure when you see him or her with someone else. This leads, sooner or later, to a breakdown of trust in the couple.

10. You feel stagnant on a personal level

Finally, a one-sided relationship will not allow the partners to grow together and in their individuality. Excessive effort will lead to personal abandonment and a total lack of self-knowledge.

Solving this situation before it is too late is possible. Your marriage can be restored if there is true commitment. I invite you to call 407-618-0212 to get professional attention for your case.

Stages of marriage: 7 phases that every long-term relationship goes through

Do you know what the stages of marriage are? Today I want to talk to you about this topic, which I think is fundamental to understanding the dynamics of long-term relationships. Although it is true that each couple is unique, most of them go through a series of distinct stages.

When two people get married they usually make the decision from the position of mutual illusion, which belongs to one of the first phases. But what happens later, when they live together, children arrive or a difficult situation arises?

On different occasions I have heard in my consultations questions like “Is love over, Dr. Duany?” I must tell you that it is not. It is not that love is over. The confusion lies in the fact that you do not know well the reality of love as a couple. Love is in constant movement. Everything depends on how you and your partner live and overcome the different stages of your union.

Stages of marriage: relationships go through these 7 stages

There are several theories that try to explain the stages of marriage. However, in this article I want to base myself on the 5 stages described by Jed Diamond, American psychologist, and add two more stages that I have discovered in my journey as a therapist accompanying couples.

1. “Honeymoon” or “falling in love” phase

This is the stage in which both idealize each other, there are no defects and the only thing they manage to see are the good and wonderful things they share. They want to be together all the time, avoid arguments and even have intense sexual activity. In this phase it is as if they were still in courtship.

According to psychologist Jed Diamond, at this stage large amounts of endorphins are released in the brain, so the couple can feel great happiness.

This is also explained by Dr. Cindy Hazan, a professor at Cornell University, who revealed that humans can feel passionate for 18 to 30 months. After studying more than 5,000 people, she discovered that the life span of the falling in love phase was long enough. At the end of this “initial euphoria” stage, many people doubted whether they were still in love.

2. Knowledge

I often tell people that this phase is the time when they “take the blindfold off”. The couple gets to know each other better and establishes a solid friendship within the marriage. If in the previous stage the defects were not seen, in this phase they can be seen clearly.

3. Internal crises and disappointment

This is one of the most difficult stages of marriage to overcome. The couples that manage to overcome this phase are the ones that last the longest, says psychologist Jed Diamond. I often hear in my consultations, Dr. Duany, ¿Did the man or woman I fell in love with change?

Although in phase two some defects are already visible, the couple is still able to ignore most of them. However, in the third stage, these imperfections become practically intolerable. So, if you are in this stage, your biggest challenge will be to define whether you love your partner enough to accept him/her as he/she is.

4. Overcoming internal crises and negotiation

After passing phase three and overcoming the crisis, idealizations are left behind and now a more realistic and stable relationship begins to be built. In the fourth stage, agreements, negotiations and the planning of common projects emerge.

It is possible that during this time, children may arrive (if they have not arrived during the previous stages) and the creation of joint businesses or other types of projects involving economic matters.

5. Arrival of external crises

Unlike stage three, in which internal crises arise, in this stage the crises are produced by external circumstances. They are situations that come unexpectedly and cannot be controlled. If these crises are not managed correctly, they can negatively affect the marriage. Some of these situations can be:

The illness of one of the members of the relationship or of the children.
Becoming unemployed.
The death of a relative or close friend.
Change of country or city.
Changes at work.

As a therapist I assure you that, if each of you as a couple decides to face any external crisis as an opportunity, instead of looking at it as a threat, your marriage will emerge stronger from this phase.

6. Empty nest syndrome

The children have left home and the couple is left at home alone. Although it is a necessary evolutionary stage, the couple does not always manage to cope with this new situation. In some marriages it can trigger the well-known “empty nest”.

However, this can be a phase to strengthen ties with your partner. As explained by psychologist Sonia Castro of the European Institute of Positive Psychology, one of the ways to improve this situation is to focus on the relationship, improve communication and return to those early stages of falling in love.

7. Deep connection and transcendence

After having lived together for years and having overcome the different stages, there comes a phase of tranquility, of absolute connection between you and your partner. Psychologist Silvia Sanz, an expert in marriages, explains that if you have reached this stage, you have forged a mature love. Intimacy is strengthened, common spaces are sought and you have learned to live even with discrepancies.

Have you been able to figure out what stage your marriage is in? Understanding which characteristics, challenges and work needed at each stage can help you handle the difficult times better and more wisely.

If you have been able to identify the stage your relationship is going through and need help, or if you have doubts about the stages of marriage, contact me. You can call me at this number 407 618 0212 and I will be happy to help you.

10 ways to make an effort in your relationship

Do you feel like you can’t find ways to make an effort for your partner? Are you afraid you can’t show your feelings the way you’d like to? If your relationship is showing warning signs of lack of commitment, you’ve come to the right place. This is a problem I often deal with in my consultations, I am here to help you find your way, your relationship has a future.

In a relationship, interest in each other should be demonstrated every day, so that both will be aware of the love they have for each other. This is something that can flow naturally through the love language that the couple has in common. However, sometimes it takes an extra push to show it.

Don’t feel like a failure if you haven’t found a way. A little effort from both of you can radically change the reality of your relationship. All you need is the will to do it and the commitment to assume your mistakes, in order to be able to change them into solutions.

Ways to make an effort for your partner

I’ll show you 10 ways to make an effort to renew that bond and love will find its greatest expression. If you have come this far, it is because you notice that there is something you are not yet offering to your relationship. By starting by recognizing these shortcomings, you can build a process of change.

1. Evaluate your relationship and detect flaws

In 1986, psychologist Robert Sternberg published his Triangular Theory of Love. In it, he explains the relationship as a triangle where the parties join together to achieve “consummate love”, that which has all the necessary elements for a couple’s full development.

According to the author, the three key elements that cannot be missing in a mature relationship are intimacy, passion and commitment. These keys guide the search for a healthy relationship, without disproportions in any of them. If you want to know in depth what aspect you should work on, ask yourself these questions:

Does your relationship have a special connection beyond your individuality?
Does physical contact between you flow naturally and willingly?
Is there a sincere interest between the parties in building their relationship every day from the little things?

A relationship that has an excess of passion and full sexuality may not be forming a true intimacy. It must be expressed both in desire and in building a special bond between both of you. Likewise, commitment must be expressed in the way you face every situation that arises together.

2. Motivates confidence

A fundamental part of every couple is trust. In order to demonstrate your effort and commitment to your partner, creating an atmosphere of mutual understanding will be a valuable tool.

You may feel that your relationship is lacking this aspect on the part of one or both partners. If that is the case, don’t worry, you can regain trust in your partner. This process may take some time, but you can be sure that it will serve to work on your love and renew feelings.

3. Maintain companionship

When a couple consolidates, it is very common to begin to feel the discomfort of routine. In this context, the reasons that led them to choose each other and decide to share their lives may lose focus. Here, the greatest danger is that this bond is broken and the members turn to their individualities.

A report by the University of Palermo among married couples in Argentina showed that the most valued aspect by couples is companionship. This, according to the data obtained, is the greatest sign of love and the key to a lasting relationship. Support your partner in his or her projects and always make him or her part of yours.

4. Recognizes the actions of love

If you want your partner to notice that you make an effort in the relationship, make them feel that you value their gestures. No matter how small, an act of love should be received with appreciation and gratitude. Not acknowledging their attentions can lead to insecurity and frustration in your partner.

5. Look for ways to express your love in ways they like

At the same time, if you don’t pay attention to the other, they will end up believing that you are not interested in them or that there is no more love. One of the ways to make an effort in your relationship is to think of ways to convey your feelings knowing your partner’s preferences. It should not be exclusively gifts, sometimes actions are worth more.

6. Put yourself in their shoes

For years, psychology and neurosciences have been searching for answers to the complexity of emotions. In a couple, understanding and tolerating each other’s emotional processes is very important.

An article in Athenea Digital magazine points out the implications between emotions and language. Taking the time to listen and understand what your partner is feeling can heal wounds and strengthen the bond.

7. Improve communication

In line with the previous point, maintaining optimal communication in the couple will avoid conflicts and clearly demonstrate the feelings of both. From asking how your day was to talking about trivial issues can help maintain a healthy dynamic.

8. Create new activities to do together

The best way to show how much you value your partner is to let him or her know that you want to spend time together. Think of special times to share, keeping both of your interests in mind. Offer fresh ideas so you don’t fall into a rut.

9. Pay attention to their worries

Don’t forget that a relationship involves sharing everything, including worries. Bearing burdens together can lighten the effects they have on your partner’s mood. Never minimize what is oppressing them, but rather, understand and try to help them find peace.

10. Understands the different stages of love

Keep in mind that love will not always feel like that first stage of falling in love. The chemical processes that the body goes through when falling in love slow down over time. This should not discourage you, it is natural. Try to enjoy with your partner every moment of love with its virtues.

If you want to know more about this and other topics, or seek help from your partner, do not hesitate to call 407-618-0212. I will give you personalized attention from the hand of my experience as a therapist.

Is divorce the only solution if your partner cheats on you?

When you discover that your partner cheats on you with someone else, you go into a state of indescribable shock. And, in the midst of such an emotional outburst, divorce is one of the options you think about. I share with you the following true story:

After 9 years of marriage, Carol discovered her husband Johan’s virtual infidelity. He was exchanging erotic messages and images with other women.

They lived 2 years between infidelity (2 times), forgiveness and attending family counseling. Until, finally, she asked him for a divorce. Let’s dig a little deeper and find out what happened with this relationship and the decision to divorce.

If your partner cheats on you once, would you forgive him/her?

“When your partner cheats on you, you feel completely betrayed and mocked.” “Trust fades and insecurity takes over you and the relationship.” “A lot of feelings come over you.”.

These are expressions of people who were cheated on by their partner. Some of them could not stand the anguish and doubt and decided to separate for good.

However, other spouses were able to forgive and save their relationship (between 60-75%). In my journey as a therapist and spiritual counselor, I have witnessed many marital restorations.

Now, with Johan and Carol, we see that there was more than one infidelity. Besides, that each had their chance for forgiveness with no apparent success, so why not consider divorce?

Which are the alternatives to divorce?

The pain of discovering that your partner is cheating on you can lead you to make rash decisions. However, stopping to reflect on what is best for both of you allows you to discover other alternatives.

Seeking professional counseling is one of them. Carol relates:

“Nothing can justify infidelity. But, in every couple counseling, Johan and I became aware of the weaknesses in our relationship. I couldn’t decide to end it without first giving us a chance to fix what was going on. For a moment, infidelity was no longer the focus of discussion.”

What’s behind the infidelity

According to the experience of this couple, behind the infidelity you are faced with several alternatives. These can be:

Standing in the victim position or opening up to the opportunity to acknowledge what you are both doing wrong.
Remaining in wounded pride or having the humility and willingness to make the necessary changes.
Succumbing to the pain or fighting back and exhausting all available resources.
Rediscover love.
Listen to your inner voice. If you still love that person, your heart will guide you toward forgiveness and finding the opportunity to be closer. Love is never tired of waiting (1 Corinthians 13).
Keep your eyes on what God has arranged for you and your happiness. To make the path of forgiveness, God must be the source of love and direction.

Carol also commented that, despite the willingness of both of them to change, it was very difficult to live through it. Especially when Johan was unfaithful again in the same way. And it was at that moment when she decided to ask her husband for a divorce, and he had to leave the house.

Is divorce ever an option?

At this point we have made it clear that, if your partner cheats on you with someone else, divorce is not the only option. Seeking professional help and embarking on a path of forgiveness and reconciliation are alternatives. However, divorce may be an option when previous actions do not end well.

Undoubtedly, when instead of finding strength and restoration the pain and damage continues, the healthiest thing to do is to separate. Especially when there are children involved who suffer the consequences.

Nor should we forget that each couple is unique in their experience. So, we see that Carol and Johan would not be part of the above statistic. What confused Carol the most was that Johan said he loved her and, actually, they had both made very favorable changes. So, what had happened?

What determines the possibility of divorce?

The level of marital commitment determines the possibility of divorce. When your partner cheats on you, he/she breaks a commitment of loyalty and exclusive union with you.

That is why, after the infidelity, it is essential to rethink what is the commitment between you and your partner and to express whether you are willing to fulfill it. To do this, you should review:

What have been their expectations of the relationship?
What satisfies them and what does not?
How do you think about loyalty and fidelity?
What makes them feel respected, secure, and trusting of each other?
What does God say about marriage?

If either spouse is unwilling to fulfill his or her commitment of loyalty, there is no point in staying together.

Understanding the marriage covenant is fundamental

In a subsequent counseling encounter, after the physical separation, Johan admitted that initially his action was because he felt insecure about his masculine capacity. But he also added:

“Deep down, I believe that these messages with other women are a passing thing and that I will never get to the sexual act with anyone. I only love and desire her.”

Here we see the root of his infidelity:

He believed that infidelity was limited to sexual encounters with other people.
He had not understood that his union with Carol established both physical and emotional exclusivity.

Since then, both renewed their covenant of marital fidelity, understanding that being one flesh is not limited to sexual intimacy (Proverbs 31:11, Ephesians 5:28,33).

There are new opportunities

If you have discovered that your partner cheats on you, you may feel anger, frustration and betrayal. And, this combination of feelings is not the best guide for making decisions.

Johan and Carol were able to save their marriage by choosing first:

Trust in God.
Speak honestly.
Listen and understand.
Renew your covenant of marital fidelity.
Make the necessary changes.

Infidelity should not be the means to strengthen the relationship, but if it happens it can be an opportunity to grow.

I can accompany you in your experience. Contact me at 407 618 0212.

Keys to building solid trust after infidelity

If you think that rebuilding trust after infidelity is not possible, you are wrong. I do not mean that it is an easy or quick task, but it can be achieved with a lot of tenacity and effort.

For God, marriage is valuable, so we must strive to strengthen it, especially after a crisis such as infidelity. Romans 12:12 tells us:

“Rejoice in Hope, Be Patient in Suffering, Persevere in Prayer.” Thus, God indicates that there is always a way to recover what is believed to be lost: with perseverance and faith.

3 Reasons to rebuild trust after infidelity

I can give you many reasons to rebuild trust after an infidelity in your relationship; however, I will limit myself to 3 whose validity has guided me during my trajectory as a therapist:

Rescue everything invested in the relationship. And I’m not talking about material possessions, but about time, patience, love, work invested to build a marriage and a family. All the priceless things that you cannot measure in financial terms.
Take up old projects or create new ones. t is not only about protecting memories and experiences, but also about looking towards the future. Think that you are starting a relationship with new, more solid foundations and infidelity will not define you as a couple.
Marriage is an institution consecrated by God. Christians know the value of the institution of marriage to God. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24).

For better or worse; that was the commitment before God. And, although nothing obliges you to forgive a betrayal, if you still have the hope of rebuilding your life together, do not give up without trying.

Building trust, step by step

Let’s assume that, at this point, you and your partner overcame the crisis by deciding to stay together. This is a great achievement for the relationship, but without a solid foundation of trust this decision will not be sustained for long. It is a proven fact that mistrust undermines a relationship, damaging it irreversibly, if you do not work on its reconstruction. What can you do about it? I guide you:

Be consistent

This means that you must align your thoughts/feelings and what you express with what you do. Often our words tend to go in one direction and our actions in another. For example, if you call yourself an animal protectionist and you kick your pet you are being incongruent. This applies to everything, especially in your relationship with your partner.

Leaving lies in the past

It is related to consistency, but now I am talking about lying openly. Deception, in a couple, benefits no one. On the contrary, if you are in the habit of lying, the time will come when you will have an unstable mountain of falsehoods that will collapse at any moment. A single lie can ruin everything you have done to recover your relationship.

Repairing the damage caused

Words are not enough here; saying “I love you” is important, but you must understand that, in these circumstances, it is not enough. What you can do then: be on time for dinner with your partner, plan quality time alone, prioritize your activities with her.

Make your life “an open book”

This is fundamental. If you were unfaithful you must understand that you will no longer have hidden spaces from your partner. I mean that there will be no more blocked cell phone, incognito visits to internet sites or private passwords.

Even if you decide not to do so, your partner must have access to your social networks, messages and phone calls, bank transactions, online purchases. You violated the cohabitation pact by destroying trust; these high-effort actions will tell your partner, without words, how much you care about them.

Establish real communication

It is time to listen to each other, without noise in communication. It is necessary to talk about the relationship, to express openly, but with respect, any topic, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

If the channels of communication are not cleared, a true reconciliation will not be possible. No more half-truths; tell your partner what you want, what your expectations are, what you like and what you don’t like; what you long for your future…what you expect from them. Don’t wait for them to guess, express yourself without ambiguity.

Be patient

Building trust after infidelity requires a great deal of patience. It is a process that will probably require six months to two years for the clouds of insecurity and suspicion to begin to dissipate.

Reaching normality is a process that must be nurtured every day. Does that seem like a long time? Think of it as a valuable investment in your future and that of your life partner.

Build your home on faith in God

There is no better friend to a happy marriage than God. Shared faith and trust in the Lord sustains your union and gives you strength to move forward. Love for God is the rock on which you will rebuild what you thought was destroyed.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you” (James 4:10)

There are no impossible things for God, not even to rescue a marriage badly wounded by betrayal. If you and your partner are truly committed to this purpose, from the Lord’s hand everything is possible, even if it requires effort and dedication.

Restoring broken trust

All marriages face difficult times as a result of living together. Difficulties are not an excuse to be unfaithful. Therefore, deciding to rescue a marriage affected by infidelity means being honest about the resentments that generate dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

This is the time to be honest and communicate assertively, for which you may need professional counseling. Someone to help you address those behaviors that are damaging the relationship. If you call 407 618 0212, I can help you to start a new path together, with more maturity and mutual understanding.

Is it possible to overcome an infidelity? Know the phases to achieve it

Proposing to overcome infidelity is a complex task; this process involves the willingness and commitment to restore and rebuild a very battered relationship. It is not limited to an “I forgive you”, this is only the beginning of a path that is only made between two and step by step.

I am not talking about a necessarily linear process; however, in this article, I will give you a brief list of its main stages and how much progress you will make in each one. Were you a victim of infidelity? Have you been unfaithful to your partner? If you want to rescue your marriage, you will have to follow this path.

Process for overcoming infidelity

If you have already decided to overcome infidelity and move forward with your marriage, you must be patient and very persevering. In this work of reconstruction, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:8). Therefore, I think you must know, you must know the process that awaits you:

Healing phase to overcome infidelity

It is a time of trauma. It is especially difficult and the struggle to rescue the marriage begins. Both parties are expected to compromise; but the unfaithful person must have the willingness to repair the damage, through behaviors aimed at creating a minimum basis of trust. To do this, your first actions would be:

Ending the extramarital relationship. This is considered a high-cost or high-effort action that will demonstrate to the couple the firm decision to rescue the marriage. If you are not willing to give up the third party, there will be no reconciliation process possible.
Take responsibility for the fact. The denial of a notorious fact leads to infidelity, transgression, to an absolute lack of respect towards the partner. Taking responsibility for the acts committed shows honesty and willingness to repair the damage.
Ask for forgiveness. Infidelity deeply hurts the other person. It is essential that the unfaithful person empathizes with the pain of their partner; that they feel what the partner feels and, consequently, regret having hurt them and tell them sincerely. Being able to put oneself in “the other person’s shoes” is a great step forward.
Validating the suffering of the deceived person. We are still talking about empathy as a fundamental mechanism; but, in this case, it is a matter of not undervaluing the other party’s reactions. For example, expressions such as “you are exaggerating” or “it’s no big deal” deepen the gap and reduce the possibility of reconciliation.

This is a delicate moment, due to the intensity of the emotions caused by the discovery. Hence, the process begins with an explicit agreement on the minimum conditions to start the healing process.

Comprehension phase

Once the initial trauma has been overcome, a certain level of trust is established, which is required to begin to understand the events that occurred. We work on the ability to approach the subject with a certain emotional distance, without generating new crises. What are we looking for at this point?

To be able to talk about infidelity without aggression and without deepening the trauma.
To remember life together before the infidelity: dreams, good times, reasons to be together.
Visualization of a future together, with new plans and hopes.

In this phase, trust is still not strong because infidelity is very present; some techniques such as Christian meditation and mindfulness can be very useful to rescue the lost serenity and tranquility. And, although crises may occur from time to time, the intensity is decreasing.

Forgiveness phase

The purpose of the first stages of therapy after infidelity is forgiveness. It takes time and comes with the restoration of trust and security in the couple. Forgiveness does not mean permitting these events to happen again. It represents the release of pain, resentment, negative feelings, and thoughts that harm us physically and emotionally.

But you must understand that there is no specific time frame for forgiveness. You cannot allow pressure. Only you can know when you are ready to take this decisive step that means the healing of wounds. The Bible tells us:

“If they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them” (Luke 17:4).

Forgiving an offense is a Christian virtue, but we must do it from our heart and not from our lips. If forgiveness is not real and full, the basis for recovering the relationship will be weak and will not resist the weight of resentment.

Renewal of commitment is key to overcome infidelity

At this stage, forgiveness has occurred, trust and communication have been re-established, and the couple is ready to move on. Some people ask me if this implies that it will be easy; in my experience, couples who make it to this point in the process are successful.

I’m not talking about a road without challenges, but a strong determination to save the marriage is an advantage that will help them rediscover the reason for their union. The focus is no longer on infidelity; it becomes an experience, a learning experience that generated changes for improvement, strengthening your vows and your commitment.

What does this renewal imply to overcome infidelity?

In the first instance, to rescue the love that united them in marriage.
Establish the pillars of the relationship: respect, solidarity, and fidelity.
Rescue the relationship with God and strengthen spiritual values.
Look to the future by designing together a life project.

“Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), the Bible tells us; but if you have already committed adultery or are suffering from it, it is time to stop and think about the value of your marriage.

It is possible to overcome infidelity

Getting out of the suffering that represents infidelity is possible. If you trust in God and his infinite mercy, you will feel that you can do anything; that pain, emptiness, and insecurity have no power in your life and do not guide your actions.

You are not willing to lose your marriage because of infidelity? Lean on God and seek professional guidance by calling 407 618 0212.

What to do if you live in a loveless marriage

Do you think you are trapped in a loveless marriage and can’t find a solution? Do you love your partner, but don’t feel the same from them? Or is it your feelings that have changed? Don’t despair or rush to consider that you have failed. You can get out of this. Don’t give up.

When you think of marriage, the concept of “love” is hardly missing from its meaning. However, love is something that has to be built every day, and it expresses itself differently in each person. You and your partner must choose to love each other every day and learn to express it in the language you understand together.

Note that a loveless marriage does not always involve abuse or violence. Indifference can also be a sign of a lack of love in the couple, as the psychologist George Levinger (1979) theorized in his work on the stages of marital relationships.

How to identify a loveless marriage?

Having a booklet that symbolizes a union does not imply an unequivocal formula of love. Many marriages fail to find the way in which they both need to give and receive it. This does not have to mean the end of the relationship. If there are honest intentions on both sides, it can be resolved.

For it to be possible to work out the love in the marriage, it is essential that both parties recognize that they need to build this bond again. If you feel that yours might be a loveless marriage, try thinking about the following questions about your relationship:

What is communication like?
Is fluid dialogue possible without verbal or physical aggression?
How much time do you spend with your partner?
Do you share quality time together?
Do you talk about your personal projects to support each other?
Is there physical contact between the two of you?
Do they feel comfortable giving and receiving physical demonstrations of affection?
Is there trust in the couple?

According to the renowned humanist psychologist Carl Rogers, in order to feel love, it is indispensable to be fully understood and accepted by the other. When this does not happen, it means that there is no love in the marriage. Letting a relationship move forward without love can lead to conflict and deep dissatisfaction.

It is possible to rebuild love in your marriage

Are you convinced that you are in a loveless marriage and want to rebuild it? Fortunately, that is the first step: recognizing and being willing to do so. All couples go through situations that challenge their ability to love. If they manage to overcome them, that love will be strengthened.

There are situations where trust is broken in such a way that rebuilding it involves a long process and a full commitment from both parties. In therapy, the most recurrent are cases of infidelity. Although it may seem difficult, it is possible to restore your marriage in such circumstances.

God speaks of love more than once in His Word. In Philippians 2:2, we read about the shared joy, the common feeling and the union that is necessary for love to exist. Therefore, the first step in finding the solution to the lack of love in a couple is to look for it together.

Talk to your partner

If you both recognize that the feeling has faded or never existed, speak honestly. Be honest with each other in expressing what you feel. You may find, in that dialogue, the fruitful path to building your own intimate love language.

Remember that it may take more than one long, emotional talk between the two of you. Don’t try to rush the process. If you let it happen naturally, it will be easier to reach a successful conclusion, even if it takes a long time. The important thing is that you don’t lose sight of your goal as a couple.

On the other hand, it is possible that only one partner recognizes the lack of love. If that is the case, don’t lose hope. Start by finding a way to express your feelings to your partner. If necessary, work on communicating with each other and then move on to building your love.

Spend quality time with each other

A fundamental key to building the language through which you and your partner can express and live your love is the quality time you spend together. In order to work on rebuilding your love, it is essential that both of you bring some of your time to the marriage.

When we talk about quality time, we do not mean the total number of hours spent in the same room or the same house. You should find space to dedicate yourselves fully to activities that strengthen the couple. It is also important not to neglect intimacy in marriage in order to preserve love.

According to a study by the University of Rochester, there is a close relationship between a successful marriage and watching romantic movies together and discussing them afterwards. This is because it involves quality time together as a couple, as well as opening up dialogue and helping with good communication.

Build new projects together

Setting goals together will help to strengthen the union. A marriage is a team, and the goal of every team is to achieve goals and overcome obstacles. Working towards a common interest will bring opportunities to enhance dialogue and share unique moments.

When thinking about these projects, it is imperative that you look for something you are both passionate about. Don’t try to drag your partner into something they don’t want to do. Setting goals that help you both grow individually will bring a sense of satisfaction to the couple as a couple.

Forge your personal growth together with your partner. Nowadays, psychological research has shown that the self-realization of the partners individually contributes to their durability. In addition, it prevents the feeling of suffocation in the couple.

There is still time to save your marriage. If you would like to receive individual help, do not hesitate to contact us. Each case is different, that’s why we want to get to know you. Call 407 618 0212 to be attended.