Do you know what the stages of marriage are? Today I want to talk to you about this topic, which I think is fundamental to understanding the dynamics of long-term relationships. Although it is true that each couple is unique, most of them go through a series of distinct stages.
When two people get married they usually make the decision from the position of mutual illusion, which belongs to one of the first phases. But what happens later, when they live together, children arrive or a difficult situation arises?
On different occasions I have heard in my consultations questions like “Is love over, Dr. Duany?” Very often it is not that love is over. The confusion lies in the fact that you do not know well the reality of love as a couple. Love is in constant movement. Everything depends on how you and your partner live and overcome the different stages of your union.
Stages of marriage: relationships go through these 7 stages
There are several theories that try to explain the stages of marriage. However, in this article I want to base myself on a five-stage model associated with American psychologist Jed Diamond, and add two more stages that I have noticed in my journey as a therapist accompanying couples.
1. “Honeymoon” or “falling in love” phase
This is the stage in which both idealize each other, there are no defects and the only thing they manage to see are the good and wonderful things they share. They want to be together all the time, avoid arguments and even have intense sexual activity. In this phase it is as if they were still in courtship.
At this stage the brain’s reward systems are very active, so the couple can feel great happiness.
The intense passion of the first stage does not stay at the same level forever, and this is normal. At the end of this “initial euphoria” stage, many people doubt whether they are still in love.
2. Knowledge
I often tell people that this phase is the time when they “take the blindfold off”. The couple gets to know each other better and establishes a solid friendship within the marriage. If in the previous stage the defects were not seen, in this phase they can be seen clearly.
3. Internal crises and disappointment
This is one of the most difficult stages of marriage to overcome. In this model, the couples that work through this phase are the ones that build the most lasting bond. I often hear in my consultations: “Dr. Duany, did the man or woman I fell in love with change?”
Although in phase two some defects are already visible, the couple is still able to ignore most of them. However, in the third stage, these imperfections become practically intolerable. So, if you are in this stage, your biggest challenge will be to define whether you love your partner enough to accept him/her as he/she is. Accepting your partner as they are never means accepting disrespect, control or violence.
4. Overcoming internal crises and negotiation
After passing phase three and overcoming the crisis, idealizations are left behind and now a more realistic and stable relationship begins to be built. In the fourth stage, agreements, negotiations and the planning of common projects emerge.
It is possible that during this time, children may arrive (if they have not arrived during the previous stages) and the creation of joint businesses or other types of projects involving economic matters.
5. Arrival of external crises
Unlike stage three, in which internal crises arise, in this stage the crises are produced by external circumstances. They are situations that come unexpectedly and cannot be controlled. If these crises are not managed correctly, they can negatively affect the marriage. Some of these situations can be:
- The illness of one of the members of the relationship or of the children.
- Becoming unemployed.
- The death of a relative or close friend.
- Change of country or city.
- Changes at work.
Facing an external crisis together, as a team rather than as a threat, can help your marriage emerge stronger from this phase.
6. Empty nest syndrome
The children have left home and the couple is left at home alone. Although it is a necessary evolutionary stage, the couple does not always manage to cope with this new situation. In some marriages it can trigger the well-known “empty nest”.
However, this can be a phase to strengthen ties with your partner. According to the European Institute of Positive Psychology, one way to cope is to focus on the couple relationship, improve communication and do again some of the things you enjoyed before having children.
7. Deep connection and transcendence
After having lived together for years and having overcome the different stages, there comes a phase of tranquility, of absolute connection between you and your partner. If you have reached this stage, you have likely forged a mature love. Intimacy is strengthened, common spaces are sought and you have learned to live even with discrepancies.
Have you been able to figure out what stage your marriage is in? Understanding which characteristics, challenges and work needed at each stage can help you handle the difficult times better and more wisely.
If you have doubts about the stages of marriage or about the stage your relationship is going through, you are welcome to ask.
Which stage do you recognize in your own marriage today, and what would help you move through it together?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- European Institute of Positive Psychology (IEPP), Síndrome del nido vacío.
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