If you think that rebuilding trust after infidelity is not possible, you are wrong. I do not mean that it is an easy or quick task, but it can be achieved with a lot of tenacity and effort.
For God, marriage is valuable, so we must strive to strengthen it, especially after a crisis such as infidelity. Romans 12:12 tells us:
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (NIV) Scripture invites us to keep hope and to persevere with faith, even when it is hard to see the way forward.
3 Reasons to rebuild trust after infidelity
I can give you many reasons to rebuild trust after an infidelity in your relationship; however, I will limit myself to 3 whose validity has guided me during my trajectory as a therapist:
- Rescue everything invested in the relationship. And I’m not talking about material possessions, but about time, patience, love, work invested to build a marriage and a family. All the priceless things that you cannot measure in financial terms.
- Take up old projects or create new ones. It is not only about protecting memories and experiences, but also about looking towards the future. Think that you are starting a relationship with new, more solid foundations and infidelity will not define you as a couple.
- Marriage is an institution consecrated by God. Christians know the value of the institution of marriage to God. “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NIV).
For better or worse; that was the commitment before God. And, although nothing obliges you to forgive a betrayal, if you still have the hope of rebuilding your life together, do not give up without trying.
Building trust, step by step
Let’s assume that, at this point, you and your partner overcame the crisis by deciding to stay together. This is a great achievement for the relationship, but without a solid foundation of trust this decision will not be sustained for long. Mistrust that is left unaddressed can undermine a relationship deeply. What can you do about it? I guide you:
- Be consistent
This means that you must align your thoughts/feelings and what you express with what you do. Often our words tend to go in one direction and our actions in another. For example, if you call yourself an animal protectionist and you kick your pet you are being incongruent. This applies to everything, especially in your relationship with your partner.
- Leaving lies in the past
It is related to consistency, but now I am talking about lying openly. Deception, in a couple, benefits no one. On the contrary, if you are in the habit of lying, the time will come when you will have an unstable mountain of falsehoods that will collapse at any moment. A single lie can ruin everything you have done to recover your relationship.
- Repairing the damage caused
Words are not enough here; saying “I love you” is important, but you must understand that, in these circumstances, it is not enough. What you can do then: be on time for dinner with your partner, plan quality time alone, prioritize your activities with her.
- Make your life “an open book”
This is fundamental. If you were unfaithful, expect that for a time there can be no hidden spaces from your partner. I mean that there will be no more blocked cell phone, incognito visits to internet sites or private passwords.
For a period that you both agree on, and with a date to review it, openness about your messages, social networks, phone calls and spending can help your partner feel safe again. This should be agreed together, not demanded: it is meant to rebuild trust, never to control, threaten or punish. Betrayal damaged trust; open and consistent actions like these can show your partner, without words, how much you care about repairing it.
- Establish real communication
It is time to listen to each other, without noise in communication. It is necessary to talk about the relationship, to express openly, but with respect, any topic, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
If the channels of communication are not cleared, a true reconciliation will not be possible. No more half-truths; tell your partner what you want, what your expectations are, what you like and what you don’t like; what you long for your future…what you expect from them. Don’t wait for them to guess, express yourself without ambiguity.
- Be patient
Building trust after infidelity requires a great deal of patience. For many couples it takes many months, and sometimes longer, for the clouds of insecurity and suspicion to begin to dissipate; each person heals at a different pace.
Reaching normality is a process that must be nurtured every day. Does that seem like a long time? Think of it as a valuable investment in your future and that of your life partner.
Build your home on faith in God
There is no better friend to a happy marriage than God. Shared faith and trust in the Lord sustains your union and gives you strength to move forward. Love for God is the rock on which you will rebuild what you thought was destroyed.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:10, NIV)
God is present in the hard work of rebuilding, and many couples find strength in faith while they do it. Faith does not replace honesty, accountability and, often, professional help; it walks alongside them. Each person remains free to decide whether to stay.
Restoring broken trust
All marriages face difficult times as a result of living together. Difficulties are not an excuse to be unfaithful. Therefore, deciding to rescue a marriage affected by infidelity means being honest about the resentments that generate dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
This is the time to be honest and communicate assertively, for which you may need professional counseling. Someone who can help you both address the behaviors that are damaging the relationship.
Because an affair can put a partner’s health at risk, it is also wise for both of you to talk with a doctor about sexual health testing.
What is one honest step toward rebuilding trust that you could take, or ask for, this week?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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