Do you think you are trapped in a loveless marriage and can’t find a solution? Do you love your partner, but don’t feel the same from them? Or is it your feelings that have changed? Don’t despair or rush to consider that you have failed. Many couples find ways to rebuild their connection, although no outcome can be guaranteed.
When you think of marriage, the concept of “love” is hardly missing from its meaning. However, love is something that has to be built every day, and it expresses itself differently in each person. You and your partner must choose to love each other every day and learn to express it in the language you understand together.
Note that a loveless marriage does not always involve abuse or violence. Indifference can also be a sign of a lack of love in the couple.
How to identify a loveless marriage?
Having a booklet that symbolizes a union does not imply an unequivocal formula of love. Many marriages fail to find the way in which they both need to give and receive it. This does not have to mean the end of the relationship. If there are honest intentions on both sides, it may be possible to work through it.
For it to be possible to work out the love in the marriage, it is essential that both parties recognize that they need to build this bond again. If you feel that yours might be a loveless marriage, try thinking about the following questions about your relationship:
- What is communication like?
- Is fluid dialogue possible without verbal or physical aggression?
- How much time do you spend with your partner?
- Do you share quality time together?
- Do you talk about your personal projects to support each other?
- Is there physical contact between the two of you?
- Do they feel comfortable giving and receiving physical demonstrations of affection?
- Is there trust in the couple?
Feeling understood and accepted by your partner is widely seen as a key ingredient of a close relationship. When that feeling is missing, couples often feel a distance between them that can be worked on. Letting a relationship move forward without love can lead to conflict and deep dissatisfaction.
A marriage without love is not the same as an unsafe marriage. If your partner threatens you, controls what you do, monitors you or hurts you, or if you are afraid of them, working on the relationship together is not the right first step: your safety comes first. Talk privately with a professional, or contact a domestic violence helpline (the numbers are at the end of this article), before deciding what to do next. If you have thoughts of ending your life, do not wait: call or text 988. If your partner talks about hurting themselves, call 988 with them, or 911 if there is immediate danger.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
It is possible to rebuild love in your marriage
Are you convinced that you are in a loveless marriage and want to rebuild it? Fortunately, that is the first step: recognizing and being willing to do so. All couples go through situations that challenge their ability to love. If they manage to overcome them, that love can be strengthened.
There are situations where trust is broken in such a way that rebuilding it involves a long process and a full commitment from both parties. In therapy, the most recurrent are cases of infidelity. Although it may seem difficult, many couples are able to rebuild trust with time and support, although results cannot be guaranteed.
God speaks of love more than once in His Word. In Philippians 2:2 we read: “make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” (NIV). That shared joy, common feeling and union are what love needs in order to grow. Therefore, the first step in finding the solution to the lack of love in a couple is to look for it together.
Talk to your partner
If you both recognize that the feeling has faded or never existed, speak honestly. Be honest with each other in expressing what you feel. You may find, in that dialogue, the fruitful path to building your own intimate love language.
Remember that it may take more than one long, emotional talk between the two of you. Don’t try to rush the process. If you let it happen naturally, it will be easier to reach a successful conclusion, even if it takes a long time. The important thing is that you don’t lose sight of your goal as a couple.
On the other hand, it is possible that only one partner recognizes the lack of love. If that is the case, don’t lose hope. If you feel safe doing so, start by finding a way to express your feelings to your partner. If necessary, work on communicating with each other and then move on to building your love.
Spend quality time with each other
A fundamental key to building the language through which you and your partner can express and live your love is the quality time you spend together. In order to work on rebuilding your love, it is essential that both of you bring some of your time to the marriage.
When we talk about quality time, we do not mean the total number of hours spent in the same room or the same house. You should find space to dedicate yourselves fully to activities that strengthen the couple. It is also important not to neglect intimacy in marriage in order to preserve love.
Something as simple as watching a movie together and talking about it afterwards can create quality time and open a conversation, and it can support good communication.
Build new projects together
Setting goals together will help to strengthen the union. A marriage is a team, and the goal of every team is to achieve goals and overcome obstacles. Working towards a common interest will bring opportunities to enhance dialogue and share unique moments.
When thinking about these projects, it is imperative that you look for something you are both passionate about. Don’t try to drag your partner into something they don’t want to do. Setting goals that help you both grow individually will bring a sense of satisfaction to the couple as a couple.
Forge your personal growth together with your partner. Supporting each partner’s personal growth can also keep the relationship from feeling stifling.
What is one small thing you could do this week to reconnect with your partner, or to take care of yourself?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
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