The impact of stress on our identity

by with No Comment Self-awareness

In 2019, the World Health Organization reported that one in five people experiencing conflict or crisis will have depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. It is very likely that these statistics increase throughout the COVID-19 crisis.

Pastors are experiencing a great amount of stress and exhaustion, and some of them are even leaving the ministry. Pastoral identity is part of the problem.

What statistics show about the stress in pastors

The struggle to clarify one’s identity creates stress that has very real consequences for the pastors’ health and the churches they serve. For example:

  • 75% of pastors report being “extremely stressed” or “very stressed” (1)
  • 90% of them work between 55 and 75 hours per week (2)
  • 90% feel fatigued and exhausted every week (1)
  • 70% say they are underpaid (2)
  • 40% report having a serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a month (1)
  • 91% have experienced some kind of burnout in their ministry and 18% say they are “fried right now” (7)

According to the Mayo Clinic, job burnout is a special type of work-related stress, a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that also involves a sense of reduced achievement and loss of personal identity.

Burnout, a special type of work-related stress

This burnout occurs when the results you get do not meet your expectations for an extended period of time. If you think burnout is a sign of weakness, think again. The symptoms of fatigue, being overwhelmed, insomnia, irritability, anxiety, sadness, and depression are simply the fire alarms. They activate in your body to tell you to turn them off before you burn. To understand this problem, it is necessary to understand how stress works.

Stress is the body’s way of dealing with events that change or threaten to change the world around us.

Robert M. Sapolsky, in his book “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers,” describes it like this: “A stressor is anything in the outside world that hits and affects homeostatic balance, and the response to that stress is what the body does in order to restore homeostasis”[1].

Sapolsky uses the example of a zebra on the African plains. If the zebra thinks it hears, sees, or smells a lion, a stress response is triggered, sending it into fight or flight mode.

The first thing the zebra’s body does is mobilize the bodily functions it needs in order to survive. This happens when the hypothalamus in the brain sends chemicals through the body to respond to the stressor, and hormones are released into the bloodstream.

Blood pressure increases so that if the zebra has to run, the body is ready. The body’s energy reserves are opened, so the zebra can keep running. At the same time, there is an “additional storage inhibition” of new energy. In other words, the body stops doing anything that uses a lot of energy so that all energy is available to escape.

The same process takes place when a pastor feels stress

This may be due to having a lot of work, conflicts with a leader, a situation that he does not know how to handle, or a broken family relationship. But the interesting thing about all this is that the pastor’s brain makes no distinction between the false factors that produce stress or the real ones, like the lions that will eat the zebra.

People can feel stress by two types of lions: external and internal. External stressors are things that are out of the person’s control. These include: a new job, health problems, pain, tense relationships, uncertainty about the future, a person harassing or attacking them, or even, of course, real lions. It can also include another person’s stress because humans, like zebras, pick up on and react to the stress of others.

Internal stressors, on the other hand, come from within the person’s thoughts or actions. These could include destructive personality traits, undisciplined thoughts and concerns, suspicions, unhealthy eating and exercise habits, the inability to say “no,” a need to make other people like you, or perfectionism.

Stress and exhaustion

If stress is hyper-attention and a response to stressors in a person’s life, then exhaustion is the opposite effect. Exhaustion is when the body and mind can no longer respond to stressors. A person’s emotions and stress responses turns off. Exhaustion is often described in the literature because of its differences compared to stress.

Researcher Anne Jackson compares both in several ways. If stress is being overly committed, then exhaustion is disconnection.

Stress affects physical energy, while exhaustion affects motivation and drive.[2]

Stress produces a loss of fuel and energy, while exhaustion produces a loss of ideals and hope.

It is this exhaustion that leads the pastor to develop an identity crisis. In this crisis, his identity breaks and his heart wounds until he loses all of his strength. It is this exhaustion that leads you to an existential void and to wonder if it is worth it to keep fighting or to throw in the towel.

Furthermore, it is this exhaustion that leads you to disconnect emotionally from your wife or children and eventually lose them. It leads you to use pornography, to commit adultery, and it leads you to lack of motivation and loss of interest. Physical exhaustion produces an identity crisis in the pastor, resulting in a broken identity.

Symptoms of a broken identity

If you suffer from a broken identity, you might:

  • Feel distracted and unmotivated
  • Experience a feeling of disorientation and lack of direction.
  • Develop a negative perspective of yourself, the world, and your future.
  • Feel anguish over not knowing what your vital purpose is.
  • Have a general feeling of dissatisfaction, regardless of how things are going in your life.
  • Find it difficult to make decisions because you do not know what you really want.
  • Feel instability or emotional exhaustion, as though you do not know what you want.
  • Fear the future because you cannot see it clearly.
  • Feel unable to face changes that are occurring in your life.

If you have these symptoms, it is time for you to stop for a bit and perhaps seek professional help. If you need to talk to a professional in these areas, you can call 407 618 0212

[1] Robert M. Sapolsky, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress- Related Diseases, and Coping (New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2004), 6. Italics in original.

[2] Anne Jackson, Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2009), 95.

 

Helping your spouse overcome depression

by with No Comment Marriage

Continuing from our last post, there are several ways you can help your spouse overcome depression. Or at least be the support your spouse needs to seek professional help. Fortunately, depression is a treatable illness. While many people live with depression, they find support to go on living life. Sometimes through therapy alone, or with a combination of therapy and medication.

While there is no substitute for professional help and medical advice, here are eight ways you can support your spouse through depression. You can also help sustain a healthy marriage. There is no doubt that by following these steps, you will help your spouse feel supported. Especially, when she is facing the situationa that is making him/her feel that way.

  1. Be there during her depression

Just being present with your spouse is being supportive. You do not need to try to fix the problem, or even look for a problem to fix. There may not be an obvious issue. And trying to fix a perceived problem can often make things worse for the other person. Symptoms of depression can seemingly come out of the blue, without a clear cause or trigger. What matters the most is that the person struggling feels safe and supported. Never underestimate the impact of sitting in silence with someone who is feeling down. Having someone with you in a time of suffering without feeling the pressure to do anything or say anything can ease the sense of loneliness and despair.

  1. Listen.

Invite your spouse to talk about how he/she feels, and what is on his/her mind, and then practice active listening. Active listening means paying attention and reflecting on what you have heard back to him/her and withholding judgment and advice. It can be helpful to ask your partner at the outset if he/she would like support or solutions, so you know how to approach the conversation. Do not give up on your partner if he/she isolates themselves, and let him/her know you are there if he/she wants to talk.

  1. Encourage your partner to seek professional help

When depressive symptoms persist and interfere with your spouse’s ability to take care of himself/herself, or his/her function at work, or show up in his/her relationships, encourage your partner to seek advice from a medical professional. Your family doctor can refer your partner to a mental health professional as well as prescribe medication if necessary.

A clinical counselor can help a person with mental health issues process problematic thoughts and emotions and develop healthy coping skills. Today, many mental health professionals work online, so you can receive support without leaving the comfort of your home. If counseling is not a financially viable option, visit your local church or search online for low-cost or community support groups.

  1. Remove stressors

Simple daily tasks can seem overwhelming for someone experiencing depression. Taking care of household maintenance, including laundry, cooking, cleaning, and groceries, will help ease the burden. Removing or reducing responsibilities wherever possible will help create more mental space for your spouse.

  1. Get moving, together

Set an intention to spend some time together outdoors. Exercise is a powerful mood booster, and even a short walk around the neighborhood can reap rewards. Movement, a change of scenery, and time spent together can all help change brain chemistry, and when the heart rate is increased, we breathe more deeply, leading to greater mindfulness.

There is also a proven connection between spending time in nature and reduced stress and depression[1]. Taking a walk in nature or spending time in a green space will ease symptoms and increase resilience.

  1. Focus on eating healthy foods

The brain needs vitamins, minerals, and nutrients for healthy cognition, so make sure your spouse is getting enough fruit and vegetables, healthy fats, and drinking plenty of water.

  1. Use words of affirmation

Depression can take a toll on a person’s sense of self and self-esteem, so your words of love, affirmation, and encouragement will go a long way. Encourage your spouse when they make progress, and remind them of their strengths, talents, and the many qualities you love about them.

  1. Take care of yourself

When the people we care for are unwell, the most important thing we can do for them is stay situation fit and healthy. You must continue to take care of your health and well-being, so you can be strong for your partner during a challenging time. As much as possible, keep doing the things you enjoy, connect with your support network, and seek out emotional support. For the other partner, the significant changes to their spouse’s mood, energy, and behavior can lead to a great sense of loss for the healthy and vibrant partner they know so well, and often a feeling of helplessness.

The important thing is to have an active role when our spouses are facing depression and fighting its symptoms and effects. Just by being there, we will help our partners feel better. And by showing our support, we will make them feel they are loved and that we care.

God wants us to be happy, and healthy, and to live our lives to the fullest. He has shown us how by playing our relational role. Just as He plays His in the triune deity, we will be reflecting His relational image and showing our love at its best expression.

See depression as an intruder in your marriage

Like any other illness, depression is an outside force. It is an unwanted visitor that wreaks havoc on your spouse’s health, your marriage, and your family life. Seeing it this way can allow both of you to talk about its effects without feeling guilt or shame.

“Once we start talking about it as a third party, as ‘the depression,’ we will be able to express our frustrations constructively,” says Scott-Lowe. “If Dennis doubted his worth, he might say, ‘That is just depression speaking. It is not you.’ When he is not depressed, he does not think this way. He is filling you with lies.”

Acknowledge that you cannot cure your partner’s depression

Your spouse needs your love, support, and concern. But these important qualities cannot reverse depression. Any more than they can control blood sugar levels, ease arthritis pain, or clear clogged arteries. Just as you would not rely on love alone to cure a medical condition, or withdraw love because it did not cure it. So, do not expect your feelings or attention to be able to alter your spouse’s unbalanced brain chemistry. Use your love to get help and remind your partner of his/her intrinsic worth during this challenging time.

Do you know any other way we can support our spouse when he/she is facing depression? Have you felt depressed by any circumstance? Have you felt God’s hand supporting you while going through a difficult situation? Share your answers with us, so we can enrich our experience and help others face this important issue. God bless you.

[1] Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Medical School, https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/sour-mood-getting-you-down-get-back-to-nature

How to face depression in the marriage

by with No Comment Marriage

We all know what depression is and how it affects the life of the person who is experiencing it. Let’s see now, how to face depression in the marriage. We also know that it affects family members who have close contact with that person.

Clinical or Major Depression is a more serious issue. It is practically a constant state of depression. It is one of the most common mental health disorders in the United States.

There are an estimated 17.3 million adults, or 7.1% of the population, experiencing at least one major depressive episode in a given year.[1]  With the added stress of COVID-19, those numbers are increasing. That is because all the things we considered “normal” changed, and the “new reality” is hard for most people.

How is suffering depression in the marriage?

While there are different types of depression, major depressive disorder is the most common in America[2], and unlike sadness and grief, which are normal human emotions, depression is characterized by persistent symptoms that interfere with the ability to carry out day-to-day activities, negatively impacting our work and relationships.

There is no single cause leading to depression. With life experiences, genetics, brain chemistry, and environment, there are many factors that many factors can trigger depression.

Clinical or major depression has been classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as a period of at least two weeks when a person experiences five or more of the following symptoms. With at least one being depressed mood, or loss of interest or pleasure:

  • depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day,
  • noticeable loss of interest or pleasure in activities,
  • significant weight loss or weight gain,
  • insomnia or oversleeping,
  • restlessness, fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day,
  • feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt,
  • inability to concentrate or make decisions,
  • recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying).

How does depression affect marriage?

In marriage, we vow to support our spouse in sickness and in health, and when a mental health issue arises, it can be one of the most challenging illnesses to face as a couple or family.

For the person suffering from depression, seemingly simple tasks such as taking a shower, making a meal, or driving to the store can become overwhelming or near impossible. Research shows that depressed patients spend as many days in bed as people with chronic medical conditions.[3]

For the other partner, the significant changes to their spouse’s mood, energy, and behavior can lead to a great sense of loss for the healthy and vibrant partner they know so well, and often a feeling of helplessness. The spouse can witness the change the depressed partner has suffered.

Suffering from depression is a more and more common issue nowadays. The stress we experience on a daily basis with financial, work, and health issues, just to name a few. It has affected people regardless of their social status, religion, or conditions in general.

We all feel the pressure, we all feel the pain, and we all feel burdens falling upon our shoulders. Maybe we feel tired, maybe we feel overwhelmed, maybe we feel depressed.

 Depression in the marriage is common

Does this sound familiar to you? Have you felt this way? Or maybe you have seen your spouse fighting depression? You are not alone. Even in the Bible, we can find people like David, Joseph, and Job who experienced sadness and sorrow in their lives.

In Job’s story, we can see how his wife could not stand seeing him at rock bottom. But they all had something in common, they sought God to overcome the pain and sadness. They found in God their refuge to cope and to move forward. But it is not an easy task.

You may be wondering if there is something you can do to not let depression ruin your marriage, and there is. First, motivate your spouse to seek God’s help in His Holy Word.

There are beautiful verses in which we can find the strength to talk to God, to ask Him for help, to ask Him to hold our hand while we go through the tough time. You can also help your spouse seek professional help so that both of you can have the emotional tools you need to overcome the crisis.

How to face depression in the marriage

There are ways for us to help our loved ones overcome depression, the crisis, and the tough times they could be living through. Do you want to learn other ways you can help your spouse or close relative deal with depression? I invite you to read our next post so that you can have a broader picture of what we can do to help them feel better. God bless you.

[1] National Institute of Mental Health, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression.shtml

[2] Healthline, https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/facts-statistics-infographic#Types-of-depression

[3] US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health,  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4394420/S