Lack of communication in marriage: “You never pay attention. You always do what you want. You do not respect the budget we have agreed upon. I do not understand why you bought that TV for the room. We do not need it, that expense is not in the budget. You are useless. You are a fool and inconsiderate. I am tired of you always doing whatever you want and not consulting with me.”
“Oh, my love, forgive me. I will not do it again. You know that I love you and I live for you. Do not be angry with me. I will do whatever you tell me to do. In fact, if you want, I will go to the store tomorrow and return the TV, as long as you are okay and do not get mad at me. It makes me sad to see you like that.”
“You are always telling me that you are not going to do it again, and you end up doing it anyway. Could it be that you do not understand your behavior? How long do I have to put up with these packages of yours?”
Communication in marriage is key
Communication is key in all relationships, but especially in marriages. Couples research has long pointed to communication as one of the keys to a healthy marriage. Efficient communication is not something innate in human beings, but something that is developed over the years. Several factors influence how you communicate. Besides, it is affected by the way you were raised, the emotional dynamics you experienced in your family, your attachment style, and the emotional experiences you have lived. These factors can determine whether you have positive communication or negative communication.
Virginia Satir, one of the pioneers of family therapy, emphasized the importance of communication in the family as a way to develop healthy relationships. Families that are not healthy and do not nurture themselves are families in which communication is indirect, vague, dishonest, incomplete, and unclear. In Satir’s view, this kind of communication is tied to low self-esteem and to maladaptive responses, especially when the couple is experiencing high levels of stress. For Satir, a healthy marriage is built on clear, complete, and consistent communication, in which there are clear roles to lead family processes.
Virginia Satir presents four styles of dysfunctional communication that often appear in marriages when they are under stress. These are: The Accuser, the Appeaser, The Super Reasoner, and the Irrelevant. On the other hand, she advocates the development of a functional style or form of communication.
The Accuser in the communication in marriage
The Accusing style is the one used by the wife at the beginning of this article. All that wife does is spout accusations of what he did or did not do. Behind this style there are often feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability, hidden by trying to control the other person and by expressing disagreement over his actions. The accusing style is continually looking for flaws, criticizing, and name-calling. It is as if the accuser does not feel good unless they are making the other family member feel inferior. This style presents the accuser as superior. Name-calling, insults, and contempt are not just a communication style. If you are afraid of your partner’s reactions, feel controlled, or have been threatened or hurt, that is not a communication problem to be solved with better phrasing: it is a safety concern, and the resources at the end of this article can help.
The Appeaser
Thus, the husband in the story is using the appeasing style. This husband hides his feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability by trying to appease, please, and satisfy his wife’s demands. Often he does this not because he is actually sorry, but because it is a strategy he developed, without realizing it, to get through stressful times in his relationships.
In this style, the person apologizes so that he/she pleases the other person at the cost of their own emotional needs. Deep down, in this style, the person tries to avoid rejection and seeks acceptance through approval.
Super Reasoner
With this style, the person uses the rationalization defense mechanism when she/he tries to anesthetize herself/himself and disconnects from her/his true feelings. Her/his communication exists on an intellectual or rational level, preventing the emotions from interfering with the process.
Likewise, this style of negative communication always seeks to be correct, seeks perfection, and runs away from spontaneity. People who use this style externalize their experiences and repress their feelings about the problem they are facing in their relationship.
Irrelevant
On the other hand, someone who uses this style handles stressful moments in relationships by pretending that he/she is not there. Behind this style there may be a feeling of not being loved by the family or of not belonging. This person will do everything in his/her power to refocus the communication.
She/he will do it towards something else, something unrelated to the stressful situation she/he experiences and to her/his own feelings. Someone using this style will make irrelevant comments. Comments that have nothing to do with what is being said or asked when communicating.
A good style of communication in marriage
Therefore, as you can see, the communication style you use has a powerful impact on your relationships. Especially on your marital and family relationships. Besides, your communication style will determine the level of acceptance and success you will have in building healthy relationships.
In the next post, I will talk about the functional style and about how you can improve your communication if you recognize yourself in one of the styles above.
Which of these styles do you recognize in yourself, in the way you speak when you are under stress?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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