Do you know how a house is structured? Do you know the process for building a house? A house is made of several parts, each is important and has a specific role. Did you know that a marriage is built the same way as a house? Let’s see how to build a healthy marriage.
Foundations of a healthy marriage
A house requires three things: a foundation, walls, and a ceiling. The house we are currently living in was built recently. We followed every step of its construction. The foundations, the walls, and the ceiling were all done in order, according to the architect’s design. Not following the architect’s plan is likely to lead to failure.
My wife loves decorating the house. She has plants all over the house, as well as mirrors, paintings, figurines, and furniture. But none of that is of any use if the house does not have a solid foundation, walls that resist storms, and a roof that protects everyone inside from inclement weather. Every aspect of the construction has an order and a purpose.
It’s the same in a marriage, which must have a good foundation, a good basis. It must have walls that protect it, and a ceiling. Everything must follow an order. Many people get married and believe that making love all day is enough and that everything else in the marriage will work out just fine.
I have met men who have told me, “If my wife cooks well, that is enough for me.” Others say, “If she has a nice body, that is all I need.” This is like saying, “if my house has nice decorations, that is enough,” or, “if it has the right furniture, that is enough.” It is pointless to have decorations, furniture, flowers, or expensive items if the house does not have a good foundation and has not been built correctly. When the storms arrive, everything can collapse.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus speaks about two builders: the one who built on rock and the one who built on sand (Matthew 7:24-27).
What is building on the sand when it comes to marriage?
It is saying “I love you” on the wedding night and not repeating it ever again. In my office, I see many patients who come to me with complaints about husbands who do not tell them they love them and who do not hug them.
- Building a marriage on sand can also happen when emotional and physical intimacy fade and the couple never talks about it. Intimacy is important in marriage, and it grows when both spouses feel safe, respected, and free to speak honestly.
- Building a marriage on sand is when you drive a nice car for the year, but there is no money to pay for it. Financial problems are a common source of marital conflicts.
- Marriage is also built on sand when people want to be married, but they do not share quality time.
- A marriage is built on sand when there are no limits and there is room for other people, such as a mother-in-law or others, to interfere in the relationship.
- It is also built on sand when there is no time for God in the marriage. When storms come, a couple that has never learned to lean on God together may feel that they have nothing to hold on to.
In the next posts, we will be talking about how to build a marriage on the firm rock that is Jesus Christ. But, to be able to build effectively on the rock, we must be clear about how to structure our marriage in such a way that it lasts and withstands all the changes that will come.
We will start by understanding the foundation that marriage must be built on to make it a happy, healthy, and blessed marriage.
The foundation of a healthy marriage
A marriage is built the same way a good foundation is laid when building a house. The foundation we lay to build our marriage will determine how strong it will be when all the life changes come. If it is a strong foundation, built on Jesus, our Rock, the marriage will be steady on the Rock no matter what problems come, or what storms hit.
On the contrary, if the foundations are anchored to banalities, appearances, deceptions, or lack of intimacy, storms will come and hit the weak foundations, and the marriage can collapse in the face of change.
What foundation must every marriage have?
The answer is God. Yes, the foundation of every marriage is God! “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1, NIV). God instituted marriage, and He wants to be the center of it.
God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness” (Genesis 1:26, NIV). What does this mean? That humankind was created in the image of God. Marriage is God’s invention and must show the relational image of God, a triune God manifested in three persons.
Since we are God’s creation, in His image and likeness, when building the marriage we must put into practice the conception of love that comes from God, in which intimacy (not only sexual intimacy), understanding, respect, acceptance, harmony, and working together constitute the pillars of the foundations on which the rest of the structure of the house will lie.
And when we understand this great truth, we might ask ourselves, how do I build my marriage on the foundation that God provides? The answer is found in the truths and advice that God has left in His Word.
Spend time alone with God
The couple should have time to be alone with God. The couple takes time to pray together and stays together. This must be a priority in every Christian home. Pray as a married couple and as a family.
Follow God’s will
A couple who has God as the foundation of the relationship makes the decision to let God’s will define their lives. If God instituted marriage, don’t you think He knows which decisions are best to make in a marriage? How many relationships today suffer, emotionally and spiritually, because they left God’s will aside to satisfy their desires and whims?
This was exactly what happened with Adam and Eve. They put God’s will aside to satisfy what seemed right before their eyes. That is why every couple must take the time to seek God’s will through the Holy Scriptures.
Forgiveness
A couple that has God as the foundation of their relationship forgives in the same way that God forgives us. One of the main teachings we can find in the Bible is that we must forgive, just as God forgives us. Forgiveness in marriage is one of the strongest foundations a relationship can have.
To err is human, but forgiving comes from God. He taught us that we must forgive. With forgiveness, wounds can heal, problems and conflicts can be resolved, and an opportunity is given to correct mistakes. And this way, the marriage can remain anchored to the rock, no matter how strong the storm that hits.
Forgiveness and a strong foundation never mean putting up with violence, threats, or control. God’s design for marriage is built on love and respect, and no one is asked to stay in danger in the name of marriage or forgiveness. If you are afraid of your spouse, please seek help (see the information below).
A healthy marriage
Everything said above will be supported by love as a strong basis, which will be the main material for not only the foundation of marriage but the entire structure: unconditional love for God as your creator and unconditional love for your partner.
Have you stopped to think about the foundations of your marriage? Do those foundations reflect the relational image of God? Are those foundations strong, or are they weak? Have they been beaten and weakened by life experiences? Is there any other foundation you think could be of great importance?
What is one thing you and your spouse could do this week to strengthen the foundation of your marriage? God bless you.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If there is violence in your home
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. These lines are free and confidential.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Available 24/7.
- If you are thinking of harming yourself: call or text 988 (press 2 for Spanish).
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV).
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