Today’s blog post is for all the parents who want to do their best in parenting and support their child’s well-being.
It is not easy to raise a child, especially today. Do you remember the last time you bought a car? That car came with a manual, regardless of the model or brand. In that user manual, you can look up what must be done if the oil needs to be changed, if it had engine problems, or any other situation. It is all written there.
A personal experience about how to raise a happy child
When my daughter Jasmin was born, I had no such manual. And neither did you when you had your children. I had to figure out what to do to handle the situations I faced. A year after Jasmin was born, Samuel came into our lives. And I said, “Well, now I have a year of experience as a father. With Samuel, it is going to be a little easier because I already ‘have experience’.” How wrong I was! Samuel had a completely different personality from that of his sister. The manual I used for Jasmin did not work with Samuel.
My strategy for raising the children consisted of creating a relationship with them based on collaboration instead of power. And I know that for many parents, this is not the conventional way. But remember that, unconsciously, we have had a collaborative relationship with our children throughout the years.
For example, when Jasmin or Samuel cried, we tried to figure out what was happening to them, so that we could help them stop crying. If the method we used was not working, we used another method until we found the most effective one to help them stop crying.
Try to understand the focus of the problem to raise a happy child.
Ideally, we continue to do this almost every day. It is simply trying to understand and focus on some of the most important aspects of being parents: understanding our children’s worries, perspectives, and opinions, considering what troubles them, and working together to find realistic solutions that are mutually satisfactory.
Research on children’s behavior has supported this line of thought, and I have held on to it as a parent and, in my case, as a therapist, to help parents who need orientation in this area. One of the researchers who has made contributions to this area is clinical psychologist Ross Greene.
I like this thought written by Ellen G. White in her book Child Guidance: “The object of discipline is the training of the child for self-government. He should be taught self-reliance and self-control.” We must help them accomplish the goals by themselves, with our help, and under our supervision.
Children do fine if they can
If they can handle the crisis or if they have the tools needed to do a certain task or to meet an expectation, they will do fine. Many situations are out of children’s control and that may lead them to develop difficult behaviors. The truth is that maybe they do not have the needed tools to deal with those situations.
It is not easy for children to deal with certain situations, such as stress produced by life events. If I, as an adult, many times do not know how to deal with the stressful things I face in my life, do you think a child is going to be able to know how to handle stress?
Other situations children may not know how to handle
Other situations children may not know how to handle may be the parenting techniques their parents use. Some children are suffering due to the stress and consequences of a rough, hard, strict, difficult, and abusive parenting style. Some parents want to raise their children the same way they were raised: disciplined with a stick, yelling, and punches. That is abusive. This creates levels of stress and anxiety in the child and has consequences in the long term. If you are afraid you might hurt your child, or a child is being hurt, get help now: the Florida Abuse Hotline is 1-800-962-2873, and in an emergency call 911.
Another situation that children may not know how to handle could be their nervous system. Maybe the child is struggling with behavior because of a psychiatric condition that he/she may have, and if that is the case, that condition needs to be evaluated and treated.
Some disorders can affect children and make it difficult to support your child’s well-being
Some of those conditions may be oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, and conduct disorder. There are many other conditions that the child might have. If this is the case, the child is likely to struggle to behave as expected until he/she gets proper evaluation and treatment.
Perhaps the child, simply, does not know how to handle his/her temper. And, as parents, we need to help him/her achieve this and develop emotional intelligence, as well as to handle his/her emotions. All of this will help the child handle his/her inner world, so he/she can deal with the outside world.
Many times, we think the problem our child has is a motivation problem. This is something we cannot just assume. Unless the child has a condition or disorder that prevents him/her from behaving adequately, it is very rare that he/she is not meeting an expectation because he/she lacks motivation. Very often, skills are the train’s engine and motivation is the caboose.
Allow me to share with you 7 steps we can follow to support our children’s well-being:
1. Teach them to know God
The first task we must fulfill as parents is teaching our children to know God. He said to the people of Israel in Deuteronomy 6:6-7: “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (NIV). There is no higher responsibility for parents than this one, to teach their children to know God. God will not ask you to give an account of how much money you invested in your son or daughter’s career, but how you prepared them for eternity.
2. Set boundaries
There are boundaries in life. God set boundaries for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Establishing clear boundaries protects relationships and keeps them healthy. When these are broken, relationships are affected. Boundaries protect both parts. Children who are raised without clear boundaries may later find it harder to respect other people’s boundaries and to build healthy relationships.
3. Teach them to have emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is learned in our homes. Emotional skills matter for a child’s well-being and relationships, alongside other abilities. Emotionally intelligent parents teach their children to handle their emotions from a very young age. They do this by demonstrating correct management of emotions and taking advantage of every opportunity possible to help the child identify the emotion he/she is experiencing so he/she can manage it correctly.
4. Teach them how to love
Loving is something we learn. It is learned in our homes, especially in the first 12 months of children’s lives. The way the father or mother develops an emotional connection with their children strongly influences the mindset they develop later.
Parents can develop a secure attachment with the child that will allow him/her to identify a range of emotions that will show him/her how to receive and give love. When the bond has been insecure, the child may learn that primary caregivers are not always to be trusted. This can make it harder for the child to trust and to give and receive love, although safe relationships later in life can help repair this.
If you have heard about the five love languages, a popular idea that can be a useful conversation starter, you may try to speak the same love language your child speaks: express affirming words, share quality time, give physical touch the importance that it has, give him/her gifts, and be helpful. This way your child can feel that you love him/her and learn to express love to others.
5. Be aware of your own needs and limitations as a parent
The problem many parents have is that they are not aware of their limitations. Children are hurt when we, as parents, do not acknowledge the limitations we may have. Every parent can ask himself/herself, what limitations do I have in raising my children? The parenting style we are using to raise our children is very connected to the way we were raised in our families. We can unconsciously project the painful experiences we have lived in the past onto our children. A parent who is aware recognizes his/her limitations when raising the children and seeks professional help and psychoeducation to do it optimally and with love.
6. Identify the limitations your children have regarding certain skills
Dr. Greene suggests that parents begin by identifying the challenges their children face. There is a term, “lagged skills,” which refers to the skills that make it difficult for children to adapt to challenges in life at a cognitive level. Identifying when the child finds things difficult may help parents understand why they behave the way they do. Besides, it will help them understand that the child cannot do it differently until he/she receives help to grow in these lagged skills.
In Dr. Greene’s work, children who display defiant or explosive behavior often lack important skills, especially flexibility/adaptability, tolerance to frustration, and problem-solving. This is why they explode or display defiant behaviors when certain situations demand those skills. A wise parent works hard to help his/her children grow in those skills.
7. Solve problems with your children in a collaborative way
Many parents solve their children’s behavioral problems unilaterally, imposing rules and high expectations. And, when children do not meet those expectations, parents get frustrated. So, they call their children undisciplined and rebellious, and sometimes even fall into emotional abuse. Solving problems together with your children can help: both become partners, teammates, and not enemies or adversaries.
My desire as a parent is reflected in this prayer I read a while ago and I want to share it with you:
Father in heaven, make me a better parent.
Teach me how to understand my children, patiently listen to what they say, and kindly answer their questions.
Help me not to interrupt them or contradict them.
Make me polite towards them in the same way I want them to be towards me.
Prevent me from laughing at their mistakes.
Prevent me from ridiculing them when they do not do what I like them to do.
Bless me with the greatness of giving them all their reasonable requests,
Bless me with the courage to deny them privileges I know will hurt them.
Make me fair and kind.
And help me, oh Lord, be loved and respected, and imitated by my children, amen.
Which one of these seven steps could you start practicing with your child this week?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If you suspect child abuse
Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- Ellen G. White, Child Guidance, chapter “Objectives of Discipline” (the same sentences appear in Education, chapter 34, “Discipline”), text copied from ellenwhite.info on 2026-10-24.
- Scripture: Deuteronomy 6:6-7, New International Version (NIV), copied from BibleGateway.
- Ross Greene, the collaborative approach and the idea of “lagged skills” (author named in the text).
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