If my partner was unfaithful to me, does it mean that they will do it again?

by with No Comment Marriage

“Pastor Duany, my partner was unfaithful to me and I want to reconcile, but I am afraid he will do it again” I have heard these words many times, both in my journey as a pastor and as a therapist.

Being hurt again is a common fear in the person who has suffered from infidelity. For, in addition to the fact that the unfaithful one has broken the trust, there are a number of social and even scientific statements or assumptions that increase the uncertainty.

Let us now address this disturbing doubt: Will the unfaithful person always be unfaithful?

Let’s see!

My partner cheated on me and promised not to repeat it, do I believe them?

I have also heard: “My partner was unfaithful to me and they say that a cheater will always be like that; cheater, is it true?” “They say that men are unfaithful by nature, should I get used to my husband’s infidelity?”

All these questions come out in conflict after an infidelity making the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation even more difficult. Especially nowadays, when science speaks of a genetic predisposition to infidelity.

Is infidelity in the genes?

A Swedish research revealed that 40% of men are predisposed to polygamy. This population possesses a gene (allele 334) that apparently makes them vulnerable to being unfaithful and desiring casual sex. For many, these statements may be a great answer or the best of excuses.

A Finnish study noted that 63% of male infidelities and 40% of female infidelities can be attributed to genes in the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin.

So, what can we expect from the partner?

On this matter, several experts have stated that this gene does not determine the lying behavior of the carrier. For example, the secretary of the Federation of Sexology Societies of Spain, Miguel A. Cueto, explained the following:

“The behavior of the human being is influenced by biological, psychological and social factors and each factor intervenes significantly. Therefore, a biological element does not determine a person’s relationships. Interaction with the environment also helps or hurts relationships”.

To this comment I would add the freedom of decision as a conclusive factor of our behaviors. Perhaps the existence of a genetic element implies greater effort and self-control, but each one is free to choose whether or not to be honest and faithful.

In truth, our genetic, physical and psychological weakness makes us more in need of God’s presence and the help of others. But, it does not exempt us from our freedom.

Some signs to evaluate in your partner

“My partner was unfaithful to me and, even so, I have decided to have a new opportunity with them”.

If this is what you have decided, you should consider your self-care to avoid worsening your wound. It is important to honestly assess whether your partner also wants and is striving for this new opportunity. Both of you must work to make the relationship work again.

May I share with you some signs that indicate if your partner has chosen to start being faithful and regain the union. Let’s see:

1.    Give up his or her affair

If your partner feels that they can (or will) give up their affair, then they are committed to you. Conversely, if they state that they will be “just friends” with the other person, they are likely to continue their cheating.

It is necessary for the unfaithful spouse to renounce all contact with their affair. If they are not ready to give them up, then they are not ready to re-engage with you.

2.    Regrets and admits cheating

Another common statement is: “My partner was unfaithful to me and I doubt their repentance”

If they don’t blame you for what happened, it’s a good sign. People who blame are incapable of taking responsibility and, if you don’t meet their needs in the future, they will cheat on you again.

Saying “it’s your fault” or “you made me do it” is different from explaining that they felt limited because you had little sex or were criticized and neglected. In the latter case your partner lets you know what happened to him, expresses regret and opens up to a conversation to propose changes.

3.    Is willing to take care of the relationship

If there is no commitment, it is very likely that the infidelity will happen again. It is important to be clear: it is one thing to say that you want to make amends and another to make an effort and commit to your actions.

In your conversations you should propose what you are willing to do and how you will do it. Also you should reformulate the agreements of coexistence and propose everything that benefits the relationship.

4.    They listen to you

Do they talk about the infidelity? do they listen to you? are they patient at this difficult time?

Do they understand your pain and help you cope with it? Do they understand your jealousy or sudden doubts? Do they answer your doubts calmly?

If they do, your partner is taking a good step towards re-engagement. If not, they are probably not interested in reconciliation and making an effort to make the relationship work.

5.    Suspicions of cheating

If your partner flirts with others, overprotects their phone, messages and social media accounts, they may have something to hide. Their actions should build trust while you work on forgiveness and learning to trust again.

Lack of trust is the basis for instability and, in all probability, the infidelity will occur.

My partner was unfaithful and I can’t trust them again

You and your partner should be open and honest in expressing what you both feel and want. If you both try to put pressure on each other, it is unlikely to work. You should also know that to cope with infidelity you need to learn to trust again. I have posted a topic on this portal to guide you in this.

Infidelity is a choice that is made within the relationship. However, it is possible to move on. Many couples have succeeded with a lot of commitment. Initiating marriage counseling with professional help is a favorable decision.

I am willing to accompany you. Contact me at 407 618 0212.

Types of infidelity and how they impact marriage

by with One Comment Marriage

Infidelity in marriage is not only about physical-sexual contact with a third party. Did you know that? Well, there are several types of infidelity in a relationship. So, you may be being unfaithful without even knowing it.

Most people associate marital infidelity with sexual affairs. But, in the context of relationships, infidelity is about breaking a commitment of loyalty, sincerity, and respect towards your partner. And it does not only involve the sexual plane.

On this occasion, let me guide you to differentiate unfaithful friendships from unfaithful relationships. Let’s move on!

Types of infidelity in marriage

When we talk about the types of infidelity in marriage, we specify the different ways of breaking the loyalty and trust of the spouse. Infidelity is those actions or habits that interfere with the firm and constant practice of respect, commitment, and devotion to the couple.

These actions or habits can be located in the physical or emotional plane or as a combination of both. Below, we detail each of these.

Physical Infidelity

We speak of physical infidelity when there are physical encounters with the third person. This occurs with the interest of satisfying physical desires without establishing emotional bonds. And, these face-to-face encounters may involve only an “innocent” affair or an affair that includes sexual contact.

  • Sexual contact

As its name indicates, in this type of infidelity there are physical encounters where the sexual act is consummated. This mode can occur with pleasurable encounters without any kind of sentimentalism in between.

It is important to clarify that this sexual contact can be only kissed, only caresses, only kisses, and caresses, or contact with the fullness of their bodies. In this sense, we can name some types of infidelity involved:

  • By Hedonisms; when the person has no deficiencies in their relationship and is moved only by desire. Therefore, they want to be unfaithful.
  • By sex addiction.
  • By impulse, when seeking to satisfy physical desires or personal needs such as reaffirming their attractiveness or self-esteem, insecurities.

Emotional Infidelity

Occurs when an affective connection between the unfaithful partners is present. The person leaves the committed relationship to satisfy their emotional needs with another person. Here there are deep conversations such as personal problems, goals, desires or fantasies, and common interests.

This is one of the types of infidelity that is often underestimated. However, this “innocent” beginning can deepen into feeling the desire to end up between the sheets and consummate sexual infidelity.

This emotional connection can be established in a physical-emotional or virtual-emotional way, and does not necessarily culminate in sexual intercourse.

  • Face-to-face mode.

I am referring to those face-to-face encounters motivated by the desire to see and be with that person. Here there is satisfaction in talking, sharing common hobbies, or having conversations that should reserve for the partner with whom you commit.

  • Virtual mode.

That is, it occurs completely online and there is no physical contact. It is also called sexting. Contact with sending or exchanging text messages, emails, videos, or erotic images using electronic devices.

Physical-emotional infidelity

The unfaithful spouse becomes completely involved with their lover. For many people, it is one of the types of infidelity that leads to the thought that the committed relationship loose.

It may begin with a seemingly innocent contact (virtual or face-to-face without sex) that fosters emotional connection and deepens the desire for sexual contact. Then desire, having conceived, gives birth to sin. (Santiago 1:14, 15).

Why talk about emotional infidelity?

Because sharing a close relationship with someone we consider more attractive or more understanding jeopardizes the marriage pact.

This type of romantic closeness generates a certain emotional dependence that would pave the way for a possible sexual encounter. It is also worth asking:

  • If emotional infidelity is not cheating, why does the content of extramarital conversations or encounters remain hidden?
  • Does that virtual conversation or innocent encounter please your partner, or would it break trust?

What types of infidelity cause the most damage to commitment?

Some spouses view infidelity as a sexual affair and think that emotional “affairs” are not cheating. However, the types of emotional infidelity can profoundly impact the relationship.

On the other hand, the impact will also depend on the considerations of the spouse who has been cheated on. According to studies, a large percentage of women easily forgive a sexual infidelity without emotional attachment and men have greater difficulty forgiving a sexual infidelity.

Above all, both forms of infidelity are a major breach of trust and marital commitment.

The impact of infidelity on marriage

Any of the above types of infidelity can generate confusing and very painful feelings in the  victim, such as:

  • Feeling of abandonment.
  • Sudden jealousy.
  • Confusion and personal insecurities in the face of frequent questions of how? When? Why?
  • Feeling of having been used, betrayed, and mocked.

Likewise, visualizing the spouse in contact or enjoyment with a mistress is disturbing and causes resentment to reappear. The whole situation makes it difficult for the spouse to trust again in a normal way.

Fidelity and the marriage covenant

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.”  (Song of Solomon 8:6).

And what does that mean?

That between husband and wife a strong emotional bond should be formed in altruism, trust and mutual respect. When a couple commits to form a loving and romantic bond, they do so by establishing physical and emotional exclusivity. Being one flesh does not limit to sexual intimacy (Proverbs 31:11, Ephesians 5:28,33).

If you have the desire to deepen in the subject, do not hesitate to contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.

Main causes for Infidelity in Marriage

by with One Comment Marriage

Infidelity is one of the most difficult situations a couple can face. And, if not addressed in a healthy way, it can be an irreparable situation for the relationship. Now, what does infidelity imply? and why does it happen?

Everyone may have their own beliefs about this topic. However, I want to share with you the most common causes why infidelity takes place in relationships.

What does infidelity involve and why does it happen?

Generally, the affectionate and/or sentimental union of one of the spouses with a third party has been considered infidelity in marriage. And, in this experience there may or may not be sexual involvement.

For infidelity, there are many possible implications and causes. Well, each individual has his/her own concept of loyalty, fidelity and expectations of a relationship.

So, based on these beliefs, a person can normalize and justify certain actions because he does not consider them infidelity. Each relationship is unique and there are different “motivations” behind an infidelity.

Causes of infidelity

Below, I share the causes commonly expressed by couples and that I have addressed in therapy:

Dissatisfaction with yourself or your partner

Dissatisfaction directs people to want “more” and to look outside for what they don’t get within their relationship. What you are looking for outside can be physical or emotional pleasure motivated by a need for attention, recognition, companionship, different experiences, among others.

Social pressure

Infidelity in marriage sometimes arises as a desire to be fashionable or to accept the incessant invitation of close people. Even when attracted to media advertising and social events that, currently, normalize deception and infidelity.

Desire for revenge

It occurs when the one who has been deceived or hurt in some way decides to take revenge or hurt the spouse by being unfaithful. This is one of the reasons very few mentioned, but it is practiced very often in both men and women.

Feeling of personal insecurity

It can occur if the person does not feel good about himself and is perceived as unattractive, less intelligent, among others. Infidelity serves as a form of personal reaffirmation and generates the satisfaction of being able to conquer someone else.

Pattern of emotional instability

This situation moves people who have experienced childhood traumas, abuse, suffer from a mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, addictions, among others. In these cases, infidelity is used as an escape route to their emotional situation.

Confusion

Many times, spouses often feel confused, especially after several years of relationship. They feel that “the flame went out” and the desire for their partner decreased. This is a natural process of relationships that is confused with the decay of love and can end in infidelity.

Conviction

Some people do not believe in monogamous relationships, so having a partner does not limit them to having encounters or relationships with third parties.

The root cause of infidelity

What’s behind personal dissatisfaction, a desire for reaffirmation, personal insecurity, confusion, and the other common causes of infidelity? These causes have a root or foundation.

Selfishness

Infidelity reveals the selfishness present in a person’s heart. Unfaithful partners often take into account only their pleasure or need ignoring the pleasure or well-being of their partner.

For example; “I feel dissatisfied, he/she doesn’t fulfill my needs, I need to feel safe, I want something new, I think it’s not so bad.” Each of these expressions satisfies the “I” and justifies infidelity.

The worst part is that, often society feeds these ideas and encourages this kind of “self-love”. In fact, it has been easier to promote “open relationships” than a commitment to address dissatisfaction by improving other aspects of the relationship. Instead, God tells us that “Love does not seek its own interests.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Ignorance

Ignorance of oneself and the other is a cause of infidelity and, I think, many times it is the root. For example; Do you know how to identify your concepts about loyalty and faithfulness? Do you know how your partner interprets them? What are your expectations in the relationship? What satisfies them?

When a couple has clear answers to questions like these they will know to what extent there will be a loyal commitment between them. For each one will know what he can receive and what he must give.

Many men and women do not know what they need or what they expect from the relationship, much less how to communicate it honestly. Hence the lack of strength to face temptation, the need to look for that “something more” that, it is believed, may be in another person.

Infidelity without personal filters

As I have said, talking about the implications and causes of infidelity in marriage is subject to personal interpretations. But, subjectivities aside, I invite you to understand the term considering what fidelity implies.

The word fidelity derives from the Latin fidelitas which refers to:

  • The quality of loyalty. That is, the firm and constant practice of respect for the commitment and delivery of well-being to the couple.
  • The practice of truth to sustain trust and security.

Does your concept of fidelity relate to this definition? The important thing is that you can channel your beliefs and decisions in a more comprehensive and healthy way.

Follow our guide on infidelity and hopefully find a better outlook at this painful reality. Also, if you want to delve into the subject do not hesitate to contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.

Common Problems in Marriage: Money – How to Prevent Your Finances from Being a Problem?

by with No Comment Marriage

According to the Institute for the Financial Analysis of Divorce, money management is responsible for 22% of separations1; making it one of the most common problems in marriage and a potential jeopardy to its longevity.

The strain that managing finances causes on both partners in a marriage is remarkable.  Since they are two different people with different financial habits, they will have to become a team. Even Christian marriages can be affected by differences of opinion on how to manage money.

One spouse may be a spender while the other one is a saver. This is typically the case.  Whether it is due to the concept that each one has about money; the education each one of them received at home, or their expectations about the future, these two perspectives must come together; in order to achieve better communication and reduce arguments about money.

Let’s review some ideas about how to reach an understanding about money in marriage.

The Importance of a Financially Equitable Marriage

Living with your spouse and sharing the burdens in your marriage is a relief from daily stress.  Money problems in the family can be tenacious and unpleasant.

In some cases, one spouse may have to leave a well-paying job to stay home to care for the children or another family member. Oftentimes, the working spouse will take over finances and make all the decisions by him/herself. The financial stress generated by unbalanced situations like these can even lead to domestic violence2.

Decision-making within your marriage should be equitable, because a marriage that is financially equal will be a safe space for both men and women. A space where both parties are cautious about where the power resides in the relationship. The source of household income (jobs, inheritances) and spending styles (how much and how it is spent) are topics to discuss before marriage. It is unlikely to find a partner who has the same exact ideas as you do about money.

When you first enter a marriage, you may not be fully aware of your spouse’s preferences just yet, including their spending habits.

If you feel that your spouse has a different stance regarding finances, do not avoid addressing it. The first step in creating a successful financial plan between spouses is for both to begin to see each other as a partnership.

Ways to prevent money from ruining your relationship

Some of most common topics in marriage counseling are parenting and sexuality. But no one seems to want to talk about a topic that is of great importance, money. Dealing with this issue turns out to be an uncomfortable topic for many couples.

I have recognized such a big aversion toward this topic that the patterns of dysfunction around finances can become like those of sexual intimacy. Pleasure and pain can be defined through money.  A study published in the scientific journal PLOS One 3 states that the perception of injustice in the distribution of finances has a worse effect on marital balance than the perception of injustice in the distribution of household chores.

Both parties must be able to know how much the other partner earns. Financial habits are more linked to personality than to role responsibility4. Then, how do you prevent money from being a problem in your relationship?

Understand your partner’s mindset about money

Before you get married you need to understand your partner’s mindset about money. As uncomfortable as the subject may be, you should talk about pending debts, loans, sources of income, investments, and other financial obligations you have. If you are already married, and you and your partner are hiding information of this nature, bring it to light.

Having nothing to hide, it will be simpler to see the full picture of your financial situation and the perception your partner has about money. But this will not stop certain problems from happening. Why? Would you be surprised if I told you that many arguments between husbands and wives that seem to be over money, are not really about that?

It is rather a clash of tempers. You may be upset that your spouse spends too much money, but what infuriates you is not that you cannot afford those expenses, it is that you are afraid you will not be able to pay your bills in the future. In this case I would ask: “Were your parents frugal or compulsive spenders? Did they have a limited budget?” Answer those questions to learn more about yourself and your partner.

You need to have the same financial expectations and priorities

You cannot expect that both partners’ incomes and jobs will be the same as they were when you first got married. Life goes on and circumstances change.

You need to sit down, even once a year, to discuss what your expectations and financial priorities are: talk about what responsibilities or measures you can take to be on the same page so that both of you can feel comfortable with handling money.

If you want to work together so you can pay off a debt or save more, or to start thinking about your retirement, you need to have the same goals5.

Give yourselves a mutual break

Although marital finances is a topic that should be constantly pursued, I understand that talking to your spouse about each of the purchases you make can feel restrictive. Especially, when you will have to “defend” a purchase that your partner finds unnecessary or does not approve. It is the perfect recipe for disaster.

A simple solution is to have separate budgets to spend on discretionary items of your choice. Take it as “money to have fun”; an amount that will be agreed considering the possibilities of both of you and that each one may spend at your own discretion as long as you respect the budget established for this section. This will bring great success to your relationship.

Increase your knowledge about money

Finally, it will be useful if both of you learn more about how to manage your finances. You can take a course, read books about investing, or watch videos.  Bob Lotich’s Managing Money God’s Way is, for example, a good read to guide our Christian finances6.

God gives us money, and it is our duty to be the best stewards we can be so that we can take care of our homes.

Do you need to know more about the subject? I invite you to contact us at 407 618 0212.

Common problems in marriage: Communication – Learn the skills to Better Communicate with your Spouse

by with No Comment Marriage

Marriages that can resolve misunderstandings quickly and are not afraid to talk about any issues will enjoy much better communication. When having good communication, the hearts of the couple are strengthened, and respect and understanding will abide.

It is the intention of our Lord that our marriages be full of trust and good values. If we have trust in marriage, there will be love and a strong connection; one in which the commitment between husband and wife cannot be broken.

Still, healthy communication in marriage has its own challenges, which must be overcome.

It is my goal that you understand that anyone can improve the quality of communication with their spouse.

How do I improve the quality of my communication with my partner?

Nurturing good communication is a task that needs commitment and effort. It especially requires many small actions and words, but it is a challenge that will be worth taking in the long run.

I want to give you some recommendations for this purpose:

Stay focused on the present

It is tempting to bring up conflicts from the past that are related to what is happening in the present. It might feel like it is necessary to express those thoughts, but it is not the most appropriate thing to do. Doing so will only cloud the situation and block you from finding a solution.

Therefore, when you find yourself having an argument, do not resort to issues of the past that created wounds. You must focus on the present1, what you feel now. Try to understand the situation and find a viable solution. The present is all that matters2.

Listen to each other attentively

Usually there are those who believe that they are listening to their partners whenever they are having arguments, but they do not really listen, because they are focusing on having a clever rebuttal for their counterpart. That is not listening.

For communication to be efficient, both partners must be active listeners. Therefore, as hard as it may seem, you need to really listen to what your spouse is telling you. You should not interrupt what he/she has to say.

Put yourselves in the other person’s shoes

A marriage needs to have mutual understanding. It’s good to be empathetic and to put yourself in the other person’s shoes3 to understand why he/she acts a certain way.

You should consider the other person’s perspective. When both parties feel that the other is listening attentively, you will feel and communicate better.

Take accountability for your actions

Taking accountability for one’s actions is a sign of personal strength. Effective communication requires acknowledging and accepting when one is wrong.

When both partners share the blame in a situation it softens the other person’s attitude. Then you may reach a solution that meets both party’s needs.

If you have a hard time resolving conflicts with respect, you can resort to couple’s therapy. These are designed to improve communication with your spouse.  It may also help in resolving any other conflicts that you consider to be affecting your relationship.

The Value of a Christian Marriage is good Communication:

As Christians, our marriages must have empathy, and respect for our partner. We must be able to communicate with honest emotions, kindness, and, above all, respecting our faith4.

The Bible is full of marriage advice that can be applied in your own marriage, with the sole intention of improving and strengthening it. The Holy Scriptures are an excellent source of support for improving communication and its quality. Here are some biblical principles we can apply to have good communication.

Treat others the way you would like to be treated

One of the most powerful principles within every marriage is portrayed in the words of Matthew 7:12, where we read, “Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do the same for them…”

What is your response when someone yells at you or scolds you endlessly? Some may answer that they respond in  the same way.  But expressing anger or wanting to hurt the other person are not sensible ways to act.

Treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. So, if you want your partner to listen to you while you talk or want him/her to help you with household chores, you need to do the same for him/her.

Prioritize prayer within your marriage

Keeping prayer at the heart of marriage is also one of the teachings we can find in the Bible. In 1 Thessalonians 5:17 we are told to “pray continually”.  Faith is an axis in Christian families and a necessary component in marriages.

When a couple prays, they bring their problems before God, who will give them the wisdom they need in order to figure out the right answers. He knows your feelings, sorrows, and your heart.

Practice forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, as God forgave you in Christ”.

A couple will not be able to communicate well if both parties are angry or resentful. Keeping anger within both of you is counterproductive. You should forgive your spouse more often. If you feel like hurting him/her or like venting your resentment, stop. It is best to talk to your partner with honesty and solve problems as soon as they arise.

Need more recommendations on Christian marriage? We can talk about it through 407 618 0212.

Common Problems in Marriage: Intimacy – How to Keep the Spark Alive?

by with No Comment Marriage

Do you want to know how you can have more intimacy to keep the spark alive in your marriage? Long-term relationships, such as marriage, generate very close bonds that require attention and effort all the time.  With this, I do not mean that they take a lot of work, but they definitely do not work automatically.

It is necessary for the parties involved to devote some time to intimacy to relive that feeling they had in the beginning.

Avoiding the problem while you are scrolling through your social networks or pretending to sleep, will not fix this situation. In fact, you will only make it worse.  It is extremely important that you know that with proper communication, effort and understanding, you can redirect your relationship to the right path.

Do not miss this article with all the information you need to know about how to keep the spark alive in your marriage. You will also find more interesting facts here. Let’s take a look!

Is it possible to keep the spark alive after years of marriage?

The reality is that keeping the spark alive is an ongoing task because it is necessary, so we don’t fall back into that feeling of monotony and lack of intimacy. However, it is entirely possible to keep it alive if you are aware that there is a problem, and you want to improve the situation for the sake of the relationship.

On the other hand, without a doubt, sex is something that can help keep the intimacy in a couple. It is well known that intimacy has different stages of evolution over the years.

After being married for 4 years, the surprises of being with the spouse decreases and the arrival of children can also be a factor that reduces intimacy. With daily activities and chores, childcare, work and more, there is practically no room left for intimacy between spouses. And, this can be harmful in the long run, and can even cause separations.

Keeping the spark alive and intimacy are necessary tasks for both spouses, which are not impossible to achieve. Without a doubt, they certainly require effort, but results are very satisfying for both parties involved.

What obstacles may get in the way?

It is also important to consider other factors. For example, work, family problems, or financial concerns can also drain your energy significantly. This can drive a wedge between partners.

Another difficulty that often arises is that feeling of inequality that appears in some marriages. That feeling of imbalance of power between partners. To solve this problem properly, it is essential to communicate and understand each other through empathy. Another positive approach is to share how your day went with each other. This will help the other person have a better understanding of how you’re feeling.

It should also be a common goal for both partners to become each other’s confidant. Confiding in your spouse can help you feel safe and loved and will improve your desire to do things together.

How can I improve intimacy with my partner and keep the spark alive?

As we have already mentioned in this article, skills such as communication, understanding, attention and empathy are fundamental tools. Next, I will mention some tips to keep the spark alive in your marriage and solve the difficulties you may have. Let’s take a look!

Express your desires

To express what truly motivates you and leads you to have intimacy, you need to identify it first. Know yourself, explore and discover new things that motivate you to have intimacy and then share them with your partner.

Focus on intimacy

While you have already acknowledged that there is an intimacy-related problem, the solution lies in the desire and effort to leave that problem behind. Pay attention and take the initiative at times to kindle the spark in your marriage.

Date your spouse

Having a free night every now and then can be very helpful in these cases. You can take advantage of that time with your partner by going out to have dinner together or by going to places that you both enjoy, thus, keeping the spark alive in the best possible way.

Look your best

It is true that, as the relationship grows, the sensual side of it is affected. But, you should know that this is not an obstacle that prevents you from surprising your partner again, if you want to do so. Looking good and feeling good about ourselves is something we all notice.

Redefine Intimacy

If you think that when talking about sexuality in a marriage, the only option is intercourse, then you should know that you have many new worlds to discover. Hugs, massages, caresses, redefining what can be done in this type of situation will open new paths.

As you can see, there is a number of things you can do to keep the spark alive in your marriage. You just have to take your first steps and start paying attention to the details so that everything falls back into place.

Feeling truly alive in a marriage is vital for its success. So, without a doubt, it is worth dedicating time for intimacy.

Spark and intimacy

Now you know more ways and tools to keep the spark alive and improve intimacy in your relationship. Remember that communication and understanding between both parties will be vital to reach an agreement and solve any hiccups.

If you have more questions or if you want to learn more information on this regard, you can contact us through the following number 407 618 0212.

My husband is a sex addict: What do I do?

by with One Comment Marriage

Being married to a sex addict is a complex and exhausting situation. The first thought a person might have is to give up on the marriage. However, is it advisable to classify all sexual addicts into one group?

God made men and women to be devoted to each other, in the biggest joys and the biggest sorrows. This is why my suggestion is that, first, you gather information regarding this matter and understand the possibilities within your reach.

I want you to understand that a sexual addiction is caused by neurotransmitters in the brain. They force compulsive behavior. Suffering from any type of addiction is unpleasant, so, in cases as complex as these, the best thing to do is to take some time to reflect and learn about it.

Let us begin.

Seven things every sex addict’s partner should know

For a sex addict to recover from their addiction, their partner’s contribution will be essential. I am not going to lie to you by saying it is easy. Neither you are obliged to stay where your happiness is compromised, just that love tends to mean sacrifices.

Before making a decision, I recommend you consider these 7 statements that will help you open your eyes about this condition.

  1. Your suspicions might be real

It is difficult to admit that a husband has a sexual addiction, therefore, your first reaction might be denial. It is normal to feel this way, I witness it all the time. But when obvious signs appear, it is not healthy to deny them as though they were not there.

For example, if your husband seems depressed, and anxious, and he withdraws himself from others, including you, it is a sign that something is wrong, as well as when he disconnects from you emotionally and your mutual sex life is dying, when he avoids sexual intercourse with you or when he evades the issue of sexuality. A healthy couple should not have problems making love or talking about this subject.

If you confront your husband with circumstantial proof, do not expect him to admit it on your first try. Many times, they must be caught in the act before they will admit the problem.

  1. It is not your fault

I am going to tell you this so that you can take it into account. You are not the one to be blamed for your husband’s sexual addiction. As an independent human being, he is free to make his own decisions regarding his sexual behavior, and he could even assure you that maybe these sexual deviations started before he married you.

I have had patients who are addicted to pornography, and they hide this addiction from their future wives because they know it is wrong, but they can not help themselves. So, do not believe you are the cause of the problem. His sexual aversion towards you has nothing to do with the way you look, it has to do with your husband’s inability to create a sexual connection with you.

Women tend to have their self-esteem affected by this issue. And they develop a fear of being rejected, but this is useless when it comes to healing. Make your husband take responsibility and walk with him through this path in an objective way.

  1. You cannot fix everything by yourself

You will not be able either to fix your husband’s sexual deviation on your own, without his help. It is impossible. No one changes if he/she does not want to, and we are only capable of changing ourselves, not others.

Where am I going with this? Monitoring your husband constantly so that he does not fall into his addiction, to the point where you lose your own life, will not solve anything. The addict must want to improve himself and for you, for his family. Your role will be to demand that he seek help.

  1. It is healthy to admit your ow feelings

You might be confused, sad, or angry in the face of having a husband who is a sex addict. You might experience all these stages at your own pace. Furthermore, you do not need to deny them or believe you are stronger than you are.

I want you to know that people can heal and let their feelings flow. If you feel like this is too much for you to deal with alone, seek other people’s support.

  1. Forgiving is not forgetting

You must not feel ashamed of trying to restore a marriage that was broken by sexual addiction. You will not make this process easier if you do not forgive your husband. However, if you believe that forgiving equals forgetting, you are making a big mistake.

You will not achieve anything positive by seeking revenge or a way to make your husband pay for his flaws, and forgiving him does not mean that you are renouncing your pain and grief. Forgiveness will free you from resentment and when it becomes too difficult for you to let it go, seek help for your emotional well-being.

  1. You are powerful

The decision to stay or to leave is in your hands. You are the one who has the power to set boundaries, fight together, or just take a path of healing in solitude.

You have control over your life, regardless of the decision you make. Whether you choose one option or the other, you will most likely need help. Remember, you must believe in yourself.

  1. You have worth

You have the right to have respect and love in your marriage. Maybe you do have flaws in your marriage, you are not perfect, but those flaws are not causing the sexual choices your husband is making. They do not define your worth.

If you feel that you are not enough, that it is your fault, know that none of those feeling are healthy for you. You have to face this challenge feeling fully confident, with self-love and courage.

What do you do when your husband is a sex addict?

When you first find out that your husband is a sex addict, you have two options: to leave him or to work to save your marriage. If you choose the former, you must pay attention to your own needs and insecurities first. Forgiving a sexual betrayal can be traumatizing for some people.

These are some actions you can take if you decide to stay:

  • Turn to professionals: The main thing is to seek professional help and go together as a couple. Also, follow the recommendations with an open mind.
  • Take care of yourself: Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Work on your self-esteem, seek social support and exercise more, or practice a new hobby, for your well-being.
  • Do not have sexual intimacy with your husband until you get your confidence back. Do not push yourself to have sex with your partner after he betrayed you. Take your time to heal. Husbands can use time for activities such as meditation, exercising. They can even attend motivational groups until their wives are ready.
  • Do not assume the responsibility for your partner’s abstinence. If you are able to forgive your addict husband, who is walking the path to recovery, you do not have to be his babysitter. He, as a grown man, is responsible for controlling himself. He is also responsible for not breaking the promises he made so that you would stay by his side.

Last words when your husband is a sex addict

Working on sexual addiction is scary for any wife. But as long as there is a commitment from the husband’s side, life is  about second chances.

Do not forget that it is valid to have doubts about what is best for your case. Have you gone through this situation? Let me know in the comments.

What is sexual addiction and how to recognize it?

by with No Comment Marriage

Addictions are invisible enemies that can destroy everything in their way: marriages, families, jobs, and the legacy of an entire life in a matter of months. And even though we often associate the term “addict” with addiction to substances such as alcohol, drugs, or gambling, sexual addiction is one of the most dangerous ones.

I have lost count of the homes that have been wrecked by sexual addiction, a terrible evil that puts the couple at spiritual and physical risk. Not only are the principles of a sacred union such as marriage in danger, but it also exposes the other partner to several sexual illnesses.

In an over-sexualized world, it is getting more and more difficult to find the boundaries between what is adequate and what is not. The line that has been drawn by our God to practice sex as an encounter of deep love and trust has been blurred over the years.

Three to six percent of Americans have sexual addiction, according to Dr. Patrick Carnes in his book Don’t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction. So, how can a sexual addict be identified before it is too late? I want to talk to you about this next.

What is sexual addiction?

As I mentioned before, addictions come in many forms. But why or what are they specifically? The easiest way to explain what addictions are is that they are pathological attractions to a place, thing, or even a person.

These addictions are actually unconscious attempts to find something that is outside of us. Something we believe we need so that we can feel complete. This is why if you ask any addict why he/she abuses drugs, he/she will tell you that they do it to feel relaxed, to escape from reality, to forget, etc.

The roots of addictions are so deep that they can be found as a tendency in families, through either genetic predisposition, or due to the way someone was raised.

However, you must understand that the Lord does not want you to be an addict your whole life. Nobody is born to live in suffering, but it is going to be a personal challenge that you must face.

Understanding the sexual addiction cycle

A good reading to understand the sexual addiction cycle is Relationship Sabotage: Unconscious Factors That Destroy Couples, Marriages, and Families written by therapist William J. Matta. From this book, you will be able to learn how an addiction advances little by little. These are the stages:

First stage: Use

The first stage in an addiction is when someone starts to abuse a substance or behavior. An alcoholic will abuse alcohol, a sexual addict, sex. Family members may notice this behavior, but the addict does not, he/she will insist that the worrying is exaggerated.

Second stage: Payment

For the second stage, addicts obtains a type of reward from the consumption or practice of the addiction, whether it is a relaxing feeling, euphoria, peace, or excitement.

Third stage: Negative consequences

No matter how good an addiction might make you feel, that pleasure is momentary and will last only a short period of time, since, one it is over, negative consequences follow. He makes denial one of the most powerful mechanisms for addicts. According to them, there are no bad consequences for their bodies or souls.

Justifying and minimizing their acts might also be mechanisms that appear, since for an addict, his/her addiction is just a means to obtain something, or he/she believes that they can control it.

Fourth stage: Negative feelings

Shame, guilt, fear, and anger are some of the most common feelings I have seen in my addict patients in this fourth stage. They can appear in conscious and unconscious ways, but regardless, the person suffers, and if he/she does not get help from his/her loved ones, he/she will repeat the cycle over and over again.

The sexual addiction nightmare

Sexual addiction consists of the compulsion to practice sexual acts, whether alone or with someone else. There are many ways in which sexual addiction can manifest, one more harmful than the other.

For example, there are people who are addicted to masturbating compulsively, or who watch pornography regardless of the time or the place. People who have compulsive sex with prostitutes or multiple unknown partners also suffer from sexual addiction.

I do not have to elaborate on how these behaviors can destroy a marriage. But, what I do have to elaborate on is how this specific addiction can silently contaminate an individual for years.

As a husband or wife, it might take months before you notice that your partner is addicted to pornography because, usually, part of the addiction consists of hiding it from everyone else.

How to recognize the signs of sexual addiction

Sexual compulsive behaviors are a risk for the addict and his/her surroundings. They could show signs such as:

  • Inability to stop the behavior, and provide excuses for it
  • Won’t settle for a monogamous sexual life or conventional sex
  • Tendency to sexualize other people and situations that are not sexual
  • Spend a large amount of money pursuing and continuing the activity
  • Feelings of excessive euphoria when in contact with the stimulus
  • The need to elevate the danger or severity of the sexual behavior

Unconscious needs that drive sexual addiction

According to my professional experience, behind every addiction there is a story with similarities between them. In the case of sexual addicts, many of them have suffered some kind of traumatic experience during their childhood or adolescence and therefore need to “feel power in their adulthood.”

The feeling of helplessness in these cases is very strong, so they desperately try to find “power” in sex. This is why a victim of sexual abuse ends up being promiscuous. He/she will feel that choosing with how many people he/she is going to sleep with is a manifestation of “power”.

Sexual addiction is a consequence of a need that needs to be met. Which one depends on your life story.

Last words about sexual addiction

The power addicts think they get through sex is fake and ephemeral. Fake, because sex is not a tool to subjugate and show the courage or strength a person has. Ephemeral, because in the same way it is gotten easily, it will also easily lead to remorse and guilt.

The answer is in God, and how He can guide you so that you can determine what is wrong and heal. Do you need help or have a doubt? I can help you in the comments section. You will find a friendly hand in me.

4 negative styles of communication in marriage

by with No Comment Marriage

Lack of communication in marriage: “You never pay attention. You always do what you want. You do not respect the budget we have agreed upon. I do not understand why you bought that TV for the room. We do not need it, that expense is not in the budget. You are useless. You are a fool and inconsiderate. I am tired of you always doing whatever you want and not consulting with me.”

“Oh, my love, forgive me. I will not do it again. You know that I love you and I live for you. Do not be angry with me. I will do whatever you tell me to do. In fact, if you want, I will go to the store tomorrow and return the TV, as long as you are okay and do not get mad at me. It makes me sad to see you like that.”

“You are always telling me that you are not going to do it again, and you end up doing it anyway. Could it be that you do not understand your behavior? How long do I have to put up with these packages of yours?”

Communication in marriage is key

Communication  is key in all relationships, but especially in marriages. Many studies confirm that a marriage’s success is in communication. Efficient communication is not something innate in human beings, but something that is developed over the years. Several factors influence how you communicate. Besides, it is affected by the way you were raised, the emotional dynamics you experienced in your family, your attachment style, and the emotional experiences you have lived. These factors can determine whether you have positive communication or negative communication.

Virginia Satir, one of the pioneers of family therapy, emphasized the importance of communication in the family as a way to develop healthy relationships. Families that are not healthy and do not nurture themselves are families in which communication is indirect, vague, dishonest, incomplete, and unclear. This negative communication leads to low self-esteem, which results in maladaptive responses, especially when the couple is experiencing high levels of stress. For Satir, a healthy marriage is built on clear, complete, and consistent communication, in which there are clear roles to lead family processes.

Virginia Satir presents four styles of dysfunctional communication that often appear in marriages when they are under stress. These are: The Accuser, the Appeaser, The Super Reasoner, and the Irrelevant. On the other hand, she advocates the development of a functional style or form of communication.

The Accuser in the communication in marriage

The Accusing style is the one used by the wife at the beginning of this article. All that wife does is spout accusations of what he did or did not do. She hides her feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability by trying to control her husband, expressing her disagreement over his actions. The accusing style is continually looking for flaws, criticizing, and name-calling. It is as if the accuser does not feel good unless they are making the other family member feel inferior. This style presents the accuser as superior.

The Appeaser

Thus, the husband in the story is using the appeasing style. This husband hides his feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability by trying to appease, please, and satisfy his wife’s demands. He does this not because he is actually sorry, but because it is the strategy he has unconsciously developed in order to survive stressful times in his relationships.

In this style, the person apologizes so that he/she pleases the other person at the cost of their own emotional needs. Deep down, in this style, the person tries to avoid rejection and seeks acceptance through approval.

Super Reasoner

With this style, the person uses the rationalization defense mechanism when she/he tries to anesthetize herself/himself and disconnects from her/his true feelings. Her/his communication exists on an intellectual or rational level, preventing the emotions from interfering with the process.

Likewise, this style of negative communication always seeks to be correct, seeks perfection, and runs away from spontaneity. People who use this style externalize their experiences and repress their feelings about the problem they are facing in their relationship.

Irrelevant

On the other hand, someone who uses this style handles stressful moments in relationships by pretending that he/she is not there. The person who uses this style feels that she/he is not loved by the family and has no sense of belonging. This person will do everything in his/her power to refocus the communication.

She/he will do it towards something else, something unrelated to the stressful situation she/he experiences and to her/his own feelings. Someone using this style will make irrelevant comments. Comments that have nothing to do with what is being said or asked when communicating.

A good style of communication in marriage

Therefore, as you can see, the communication style you use has a powerful impact on your relationships. Especially on your marital and family relationships. Besides, your communication style will determine the level of acceptance and success you will have in building healthy relationships.

In the next post, I will talk about the functional style. We also talk about how you can improve your communication style if you are using one of the dysfunctional ones mentioned in this post.

There is no intimacy without vulnerability

by with No Comment Marriage

Let’s continue with the previous post. Intimacy is the basis for us to know God and our neighbor, which also includes our spouse. But it is difficult to put into practice if we have not learned to have intimacy in our families.

Sadly, history tells us that Adam and Eve disobeyed and sinned by breaking their close relationship. Sin is the number one enemy of intimacy. The first four commandments deal with going against intimacy with God. And the other six are about going against intimacy with our neighbor.

Intimacy and vulnerability between God and mankind

When the intimate relationship that existed between God and mankind was broken as a result of disobedience, the intimate relationship between men and their neighbors was also broken.

Gen. 3:7 says: “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.”

The expression “the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked” speaks of the powerful effect of guilt. This is the emotion that is felt when we have failed God, our neighbor, or ourselves. When we violate God’s trust or our neighbor’s, guilt is experienced.

“Their eyes were opened” refers not to the physical transformation, but the knowledge of good and bad. It means that they recognized that they had sinned, and the result of their discovery was experiencing guilt and shame. This feeling of guilt led them to understand that they were naked before God and their neighbor.

Emotions that influence our intimacy

Guilt is a primary emotion. The primary emotional responses are a direct reaction from the amygdala, consistent with the immediate situation, helping Adam and Eve give the appropriate response to the situation. If guilt is not dealt with properly, it leads the person to feel shame. This is exactly what happened. The last part of verse 7 says that they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings because they were ashamed of their nakedness. Shame is enemy number one of intimacy.

The maladaptive or secondary emotions are also direct reactions to situations, but they no longer help the person deal with the situation that provoked them constructively. Rather, they interfere with effective functioning.

Secondary reactive emotions follow a primary response. In the secondary emotions, Adam and Eve reacted against the initial primary adaptive emotion (guilt), and it was replaced with a secondary emotion, shame. This “reaction to reaction” darkens or transforms the original emotion (guilt) and leads to actions that, again, are not entirely appropriate for the situation.

Before sin, it was natural for them to be naked before God and their neighbor, but guilt showed that they had broken God’s trust and their neighbor’s, and they felt ashamed. They now had something to be ashamed of, something to hide. They could no longer afford to be transparent because being so would lead to judgment.

Shame and vulnerability

What is shame? It is the intense, painful feeling or experience that comes from believing that you are inferior and therefore not worthy of being loved and belonging. Shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of having failed and not being capable enough as a human being. It feels like you are bleeding inside.

That is why our insecurities push us to put on some clothes, to cover ourselves so that we are not known and rejected, just as Adam and Eve did. We want to avoid being hurt. We try to keep things as quiet as possible, so we do not share anything that someone could question about us. Many of us have covered ourselves with emotional clothes.

Emotional clothes that prevent intimacy

Does all this sound familiar to you? Many times, we feel the same way Adam and Eve did, ashamed of what we have done, for having broken our intimate relationships, either with God or with others.

Sometimes it happens that our spouses have no idea who we are. Our thoughts, desires, frustrations, and feelings are all buried under protective layers because we have not established an intimate relationship. We have been hurt, and we hurt others. We have been victims of abuse, and we abuse others. Sadly, many people respond by adding another layer of isolation and hiding from their spouses, children, friends, and church members and that is why intimacy does not exist nowadays.

Three reactions to shame

Dr. Linda Hartling talks about three reactions to shame. There is the group we just have mentioned, the ones who leave, hide, or retreat. The other group are those who move toward other people, but not to be intimate, but to appease and please. These are the ones who become addicted to pleasing others but do not get intimate.

The last group moves against others by trying to gain power over others by being aggressive and using shame to combat shame. These are the ones who have problems with anger management, who are aggressive, who use any means they can to produce shame in those around them, to calm the emotional pain they feel from their past.

The pain that is felt due to rejection and shame, the pain that leads us to hide and avoid intimacy at all costs, is very deep.

In 2011, a study sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health found that when it comes to the brain, physical pain and the intense experience of social rejection hurt equally. Advances in neuroscience have confirmed that emotions can turn into wounds and cause pain. This is the pain that leads many to react the way they do.

Shame is an enemy of intimacy

You cannot experience shame and intimacy at the same time. The deepest wound carried by a person driven by shame is the inability to establish intimate relationships.

Do you understand now why when God approaches Adam and Eve to talk to them, they run and hide? There is no intimacy when your shame leads you to hide your true identity.

Do you understand why it seems difficult for you to be intimate with God? Your family’s shame, mistakes, tragedies, trauma, abuse, and generational shame has led you to distance yourself from God. Or maybe all of this has led you to seek God but not in the right way, or perhaps your shame has led you to rebel against God, blaming Him for the sad things that have happened to you.

Do you understand why it is hard for you to be intimate with your children? It is because you live hidden behind fig leaves to cover your shame. You hide behind the trees using perfectionism, the victim mentality that leads you to mistreat your children by demanding they live a holy life, a life that you have not been able to live.

Vulnerabitity with your children

How can you be intimate with your children when your shame leads you to live a false life? How can you experience true intimacy with your spouse when you hide the truth of your past from him/her, and the only time you want to be intimate is when you want to have sex? God did not create sex just to satisfy a glandular desire. You cannot be intimate as long as your true is hidden behind emotional clothes.

The lack of intimacy developed in our families is why this society is building men and women with anxious, ambivalent, and avoidant attachments. These people with insecurity problems find it difficult to develop intimacy with others.

A couple that is emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically intimate does not get divorced because true intimacy is the antidote to divorce.

The secret to regaining intimacy

In Genesis 3:9-13, God is looking for Adam and Eve. They were afraid and hid because they were naked. What would have happened if they had not come out from hiding? If we analyze it, Adam and Eve made themselves vulnerable before God, they showed their nakedness and told Him what had happened.

Therefore, the first element of the formula is to be vulnerable. But there is a false concept: I cannot take the risk of revealing my deepest feelings. If I let others know what I am, I might be rejected. This false concept stops many, preventing them from becoming vulnerable and thus achieving intimacy.

What the word vulnerability means?

Have you ever wondered what the word vulnerability means? The word vulnerability comes from the Latin vulnerable, which means to hurt. Being vulnerable means being open to attack, exposed, and powerless.

Vulnerability in a relationship requires the courage to love, but openly, to be honest regarding your feelings and doubts. It also involves the willingness to risk exposing the truth about a painful past and some emotional difficulty. Vulnerability is being open to pain, but it also opens the door for the blessing of intimacy.

To you

A dear friend who is reading these lines.

I challenge you today to take your mask off and have the courage to be imperfect and to love yourself. Have the courage to let go of what you believe you should be, so you can become what you are. And how can you do it? By being authentic and asking for Heavenly help, and, if necessary, professional help. Besides, if you accept negative emotions, you will be on your way to true intimacy with God and others.

Have you ever experienced the benefit of allowing vulnerability in your life, in your interpersonal relationships? What effect or changes did it make in your life? Share your answers with us in the comments section. God bless you.