“Pastor Duany, my partner was unfaithful to me and I want to reconcile, but I am afraid he will do it again” I have heard these words many times, both in my journey as a pastor and as a therapist.
Being hurt again is a common fear in the person who has suffered from infidelity. For, in addition to the fact that the unfaithful one has broken the trust, there are a number of social and even scientific statements or assumptions that increase the uncertainty.
Let us now address this disturbing doubt: Will the unfaithful person always be unfaithful?
Let’s see!
My partner cheated on me and promised not to repeat it, do I believe them?
I have also heard: “My partner was unfaithful to me and they say that a cheater will always be like that; cheater, is it true?” “They say that men are unfaithful by nature, should I get used to my husband’s infidelity?”
All these questions come out in conflict after an infidelity making the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation even more difficult. Especially nowadays, when headlines speak of genes and infidelity.
Is infidelity in the genes?
A Swedish study (Walum et al., 2008) found that a variation in a vasopressin receptor gene was associated, in men, with how strongly they reported bonding with their partner and with marital problems. That is not the same as a gene that makes a person unfaithful. For many, these headlines may be a great answer or the best of excuses.
A Finnish twin study of 7,378 people (Zietsch et al., 2015) estimated that genetic differences explained about 62% of the variation in recent infidelity among men and 40% among women. That describes differences across a group, not the chance that any one person will cheat. The study found no link to the oxytocin receptor gene in either sex.
So, what can we expect from the partner?
On this matter, it helps to remember that a gene is only one influence among many, and that a pattern found in a group of people does not decide what any one person will do.
I would add the freedom of decision as a conclusive factor of our behaviors. Perhaps the existence of a genetic element implies greater effort and self-control, but each one is free to choose whether or not to be honest and faithful.
In truth, our genetic, physical and psychological weakness makes us more in need of God’s presence and the help of others. But, it does not exempt us from our freedom.
Some signs to evaluate in your partner
“My partner was unfaithful to me and, even so, I have decided to have a new opportunity with them”.
If this is what you have decided, you should consider your self-care to avoid worsening your wound. It is important to honestly assess whether your partner also wants and is striving for this new opportunity. Both of you must work to make the relationship work again.
May I share with you some signs that indicate if your partner has chosen to start being faithful and regain the union. Let’s see:
1. Give up his or her affair
If your partner feels that they can (or will) give up their affair, then they are committed to you. Conversely, if they state that they will be “just friends” with the other person, they are likely to continue their cheating.
It is necessary for the unfaithful spouse to renounce all contact with their affair. If they are not ready to give them up, then they are not ready to re-engage with you.
2. Regrets and admits cheating
Another common statement is: “My partner was unfaithful to me and I doubt their repentance”
If they don’t blame you for what happened, it’s a good sign. People who blame you may find it hard to take responsibility, and that makes rebuilding trust harder.
Saying “it’s your fault” or “you made me do it” is different from explaining that they felt limited because you had little sex or were criticized and neglected. In the latter case your partner lets you know what happened to him, expresses regret and opens up to a conversation to propose changes.
3. Is willing to take care of the relationship
If there is no commitment, the relationship stays fragile. It is important to be clear: it is one thing to say that you want to make amends and another to make an effort and commit to your actions.
In your conversations you should propose what you are willing to do and how you will do it. Also you should reformulate the agreements of coexistence and propose everything that benefits the relationship.
4. They listen to you
Do they talk about the infidelity? do they listen to you? are they patient at this difficult time?
Do they understand your pain and help you cope with it? Do they understand your jealousy or sudden doubts? Do they answer your doubts calmly?
If they do, your partner is taking a good step towards re-engagement. If not, they are probably not interested in reconciliation and making an effort to make the relationship work.
5. Suspicions of cheating
If your partner flirts with others, overprotects their phone, messages and social media accounts, they may have something to hide. Their actions should build trust while you work on forgiveness and learning to trust again.
Lack of trust is the basis for instability and makes rebuilding much harder.
My partner was unfaithful and I can’t trust them again
You and your partner should be open and honest in expressing what you both feel and want. If you both try to put pressure on each other, it is unlikely to work. You should also know that to cope with infidelity you need to learn to trust again. I have posted a topic on this portal to guide you in this.
Infidelity is a choice that is made within the relationship. However, it is possible to move on. Many couples have succeeded with a lot of commitment. Initiating marriage counseling with professional help is a favorable decision.
I am willing to accompany you. Contact me at (407) 559-7093.
Sources
- Walum, H., Westberg, L., Henningsson, S., Neiderhiser, J. M., Reiss, D., Igl, W., Ganiban, J. M., Spotts, E. L., Pedersen, N. L., Eriksson, E., & Lichtenstein, P. (2008). Genetic variation in the vasopressin receptor 1a gene (AVPR1A) associates with pair-bonding behavior in humans. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 105(37), 14153-14156. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.0803081105
- Zietsch, B. P., Westberg, L., Santtila, P., & Jern, P. (2015). Genetic analysis of human extrapair mating: Heritability, between-sex correlation, and receptor genes for vasopressin and oxytocin. Evolution and Human Behavior, 36(2), 130-136. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2014.10.001
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