How to Fix a Toxic Relationship?

by with No Comment FamilyParenting

The Bible tells us that we were created to live in a community, not in toxic relationships. Our creator lives in the community and made us in His image, the image of a relational God (Gen. 1:26,27). A God manifested in three different people who are one in mind and purpose.

From the beginning, God intended to have a relationship full of love with Adam and Eve, and they were to emulate the same love-based relationship with each other. However, we know our first parents’ sad story. They broke their relationship with God and as a result, today we experience toxic relationships in our lives.

What is a toxic relationship?

When we talk about relationships, we tend to underestimate the influence of our sinful nature on developing healthy relationships with others. Our sinful state greatly affects every interaction we have with our neighbor neighbors.

It means that many times we find ourselves establishing toxic relationships unconsciously. As Pablo said, we do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I keep doing. When are toxic relationships born, and when do they arise?

Thus, to answer this difficult question, we must consider how we develop our personality and how this affects the way we relate to others when we reach adulthood. It all starts when we are born.

According to Erickson, this is the stage of trust/distrust. At this stage, we can learn about the world through our parents’ eyes. If parents give love, affection, and attention to the child, he/she will develop a sense of trust and security in the parents’ arms.

However, if parents are too busy and so disconnected from the child that they do not have the time to become attached to him/her, expressing love and care, the child becomes confused and understands that he/she cannot trust those around him/her and develops a sense of distrust and insecurity.

Later in life, through the psychological mechanisms of integration and differentiation, the child begins to incorporate the parents’ traits into his/her personality and discards others. In other words, these traits begin to be a part of the child’s personality.

Children’s mental schemas

Then, the same way children have an innate ability to easily assimilate a language, they also have a system for adapting to a difficult environment and surviving. They assimilate what they see and build a defense mechanism to survive in their environment. These understandings about life and their environment become a part of children’s mental schemas.

What are these mental schemas? They are made up of thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs learned from experience with our family that help us to maintain a sense of personal identity during a difficult world when we are little, and also allow us to understand the environment in which we live.

In other words, the fundamental concepts are a structure that contains a representation of the reality in which that child lives. These mental schemas will have a great influence on the child’s life when he/she is an adult.

Adaptive or maladaptive mental schemas

These mental schemas can be adaptive or maladaptive. The problem with maladaptive cognitive schemas is that, like a map, they reveal approximations in the physical world. Cognitive schemas are also a map that helps us and guides us in our relationships with others. These maladaptive beliefs become the root of the relational problems we present as we go through life.

Mental schemas store in the subconscious and are not that easy to identify because they operate unconsciously. This is why you could be your best to have a healthy relationship with someone you love and still not see any progress.

These toxic behaviors often carry out unconsciously. This is why you might be stuck in a toxic relationship. People who are stuck in the past often need the help of a trained professional to identify toxic mental patterns.

How does a child develop a toxic relationship?

In general, there are four types of early life experiences that make a child vulnerable to developing toxic relationships.

  • Firstly, the toxic frustrations of needs. They occur when a child does not experience enough love and security to feel safe in his/her environment. This child learns not to trust others because he/she believes he/she could be mistreated and hurt again.
  • Second, emotional trauma occurs when a child is abused or victimized. A young person in this environment can learn to have a manipulative and abusive relationship with others, or can simply become a victim of an abuser.
  • Third, a child can be pampered or spoiled. This person may become highly dependent on others or feel entitled to special privileges. As a result, when this person does not receive what he/she expects from others, he/she can develop a mindset that is addicted to approval.
  • Fourth, the child may identify with or internalize the perspective of a dysfunctional parent. For example, a child who has been raised by an abusive parent may have the same emotional response as the parent when relating to his/her peers.

What can do with all these maladaptive basic concepts that lead to forming toxic relationships? The truth of the matter is that the damage that does a past toxic relationship cannot undo. However, there is something you can do about it.

How to deal with a toxic relationship

These toxic relationships formed from childhood can understand in the light of your new relationship with God. You cannot eliminate these mental schemas, but you can make sense of them and allow the Holy Spirit to renew your mind.

You are not alone on this journey, since we all have frustrations and disappointments when interacting with others. However, I have good news for you. The Holy Spirit’s mission is to restore the image of God in your life (Romans 8:29).

First, He will guide you to discover the full truth about who you are as a person (John 16:13). In other words, He will show you who you are in your mind and how your toxic relationships are destroying your life.

Secondly, He will renew your mind (Romans 12:2), bringing every thought (belief, mental scheme) captive to the obedience of Christ (1 Cor. 10:5).

Thirdly, the Holy Spirit will put the mind of Christ in you (1 Cor. 2:16) and He will make you a new creation so you can enjoy healthy relationships.

Set your mind up today to ask the Holy Spirit to transform your mind. May this be your prayer today: Give me a new heart, Lord

What’s the biggest thing you’re struggling with right now that I can help you with?

How Can I Help my Children Deal with Emotions?

by with No Comment FamilyParenting
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]How can I Help my Children Deal with Emotions?

How can I Help my Children Deal with Emotions? In his book, The Stress Factor, Dr. Harry Stanton says that the great enemy of human health is not a danger, an emotional convulsion, or an occasional crisis (like that of the coronavirus). On the contrary, it is the extended, unrelieved state of worry and anxiety.

There is no doubt that the moments in which we are living are moments of worry and anxiety. Isolation, uncertainty, and changes in our routines power a state of worry that we have never experienced before. In the previous articles, we have explained how to view emotions as the messenger who wants to help us collect the experience we are living and what is important about it.

How to help children deal with emotions

In today’s article, the question I will try to answer is the following: How can I help my children deal with emotions? If it is not easy for adults to navigate the turbulent waters of this crisis, how can it be for our children’s fragile minds? We are very concerned about the increasing number of cases of children with serious emotional problems.

They are growing up in a volatile environment, where schools are closed, nor can they go to the parks to freely play their favorite sport. The environment they are in has changed overnight, and now they wake up worrying about the coronavirus catastrophe coming to their homes.

What are the symptoms that show us children are experiencing anxiety? Children find it difficult to concentrate, they cannot sleep easily, wake up at night with nightmares, do not eat properly, get angry and irritated quickly, and are out of control. They have negative thoughts, they use the bathroom frequently, they cry more than usual, and they may have a stomachache or feel sick due to the stress they experience.

Even though parents may not feel capable of dealing with their emotions, they have the responsibility to look after the spiritual, physical, and emotional development of their children. Many times, we emphasize that we must take care of the spiritual and physical aspects of our children’s lives. We do our best to get them to go to church with us and ensure they eat well. But, how committed are we to our children’s emotional growth, especially in COVID-19 times?

Intelligence to deal with emotions

Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, Marc Brackett, says parents are co-creating their children’s emotional system. The first school of emotional intelligence our children have in their homes. They learn to relate to the world around them through their eyes.

The emotional dynamic that we are experiencing in the COVID-19 pandemic is the same emotional dynamic that our children are going to experience in the present and even as adults. Experts in this matter indicate that 80 percent of success in life is linked to the emotional intelligence of the individual. That is why, to help our children learn emotional intelligence, as parents, we must first learn to regulate our emotions because we are role models for them.

How should we respond to signs of anxiety in our children?

The system God placed in our brains to process our emotions is an alarm or signal system that lets us know the experience we are living within, and it determines the way we will approach the task or situation we have in front of us. When parents try to read and interpret emotions in their children, they also send a signal to their brains.

For example, if I look at you, and you are frowning, with anger showing on your face, the message my mind receives is “do not get any closer.” Normally, when we are dealing with adults, we can say, “this person needs space right now.” And, our reaction is to provide the space that the persona is looking for.

How can I help my children deal with emotions?

When it comes to raising our children, our reactions must be different. When they experience emotions of anxiety, anger, or frustration, they are saying: “I need you to get closer to me, not to get further away.” For human beings, especially for children, emotional security is as important as eating.

That is why when children experience a lack of emotional connection, their reaction is the same biological reaction that any human or mammal has: flee, fight or become paralyzed. Every father and mother must perceive the message that the child is sending through his/her emotions, get closer, and d not push them further away, to provide the emotional security that is so important for their survival.

Model your stress tolerance during the COVID-19 pandemic

As parents, we have the responsibility to be role models for our children to follow, and not only through direct interaction with them. The indirect interaction of the parents or their examples of how they handle their emotions or experience the outside world greatly influences the development of the personality and social skills of their children.

Put into practice the strategies that we taught you in the previous articles to be a role model in your children’s lives. Strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing is so important for us to connect with the neuro cortex of the brain. It is in charge of our decisions.

You can model your children how to manage stress through the anxiety box technique. That technique we learned to do in the previous articles. You can even invite your children to help you prepare this box. The way you manage your stress will influence the response that your child will have to the crisis that he/she is experiencing today.

Explain how you deal with emotions

Accepting the fact that we are human and full of limitations and imperfections makes us great. Our children need to see that reality that we often try to hide from them. Many parents hide their human frailty from their children. And that is why children grow up not knowing how to deal with emotions in times of crisis.

For example, if at one point you lost control and yelled at your child because you were worried or anxious, later, you can go to him or her and recognize your mistake in managing your emotion. And you can process that experience together, taking accountability for the way you expressed your emotions.

In the end, you can talk with your children about more effective ways to deal with emotions in the future. By talking to your children this way about your emotions, you are permitting them to experience stress and anxiety. And, it also lets them know that stress can be managed.

Have an action plan for dealing with your emotions

If you know that a particular situation is stressing you out, you can plan how to manage this situation more functionally beforehand. So that you do not have to regret later that you did not handle it more effectively.

For example, if being confined causes stress and anxiety. Or if you notice that at the end of the day you do not have patience with your children, do something. You can plan activities around your house. This way, you will be proactive and intentional in the way you deal with emotions. You will model emotional intelligence to your children.

Find a support group

Try to find a support group for parents. Trying to be parents in these critical moments is not easy. Support groups have proven to be very effective in treatments and self-help. Many churches have these community support groups. You can also find them on the internet. Or maybe you can create a support group that meets through Zoom.

Teach them how to trust God in difficult times

The last tip is the most important of all. Your relationship with God is the most powerful example you can give your children. The way you handle your stress and anxiety with God is priceless for your children’s emotional and spiritual growth. Therefore, take time every day to pray and study the Bible with them. Talk about how God’s men handled their stress in difficult times. Talk also about how God’s Word encourages you today and gives you hope for the future.

We all have times when we overreact, especially when we are under a lot of stress. But the good news is that we are more resilient than we imagine we are. We cannot change how we reacted in the past, but we can change how we will react in the future.

We can change the way we manifest our emotions. It is never too late to grow in your emotional intelligence and help your children grow. Your child’s brain is plastic. Thus, the moment you begin to regulate your emotions effectively, your child’s brain will reflect the change you are making. May your desire be to let Jehovah build your house and help you be an example for your children.

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Love is a skill learned at home from childhood

by with 2 Comments Emotional IntelligenceParenting

Love is a skill learned at home. Let’s see an example. Joaquin was a 35-year-old man, a widower without children. He went to seek professional help to overcome depression.

Let’s start with understanding Joaquin’s relationship with his parents, specifically with his mother. He was the youngest of five brothers. His father had been dead for five years, and Joaquin was not close to his mother. The memories he had of his childhood in his home were difficult to process.

Although Joaquin was his father’s favorite son, he never felt his mother’s affection, care, and love. Although she was always physically there cooking and washing his clothes, she never hugged him, nor told him that she loved him. Since his father was not home because he was working most of the time, Joaquin grew up developing an insecure attachment to his parents, especially to his mother.

Joaquin’s problem was not only the distance between him and his mother. His brothers did not give him space in the home either. They were much older than him and did not like him being his father’s favorite son, so there was a distance between them, which contributed to him feeling an emotional void even in his adult life.

Love is a skill learned according real experiences

He was mistreated and suffered harassment from his brothers to the point that he sometimes questioned his existence in this world and thought about taking his own life. He felt he did not fit in the world around him.

Now, Joaquín is an adult and has serious depression problems that negatively affected him while he was married and still affect him today. He feels that not even God loves him, since if He is as good as they say, then, why has He not interfered in his life? Since he does not feel God’s love, he cannot feel the love of the people around him.

His depression was activated when he lost his wife in an accident and since then, he began to question God. He also has problems that have developed in his life. He does not feel fulfilled, he is an insecure person, and he does not know how to have relationships, especially with people of the opposite sex.

Joaquin’s main problem has been the lack of love he experienced in his childhood while developing an attachment to his parents. Emotional damage is almost irreparable when a child does not receive a secure attachment, full of love and affection. Love is a skill learned at home, and when parents do not have a loving relationship with their children, the consequences are terrible. A person is unlikely to be satisfied with life when security at home and love are not received.

Love is a skill learned according Science

It was proven by a study of Romanian orphans abandoned in orphanages. They were rescued and adopted by loving parents with good economic status. Despite establishing loving contact with the adoptive parents and improving their quality of life, contact with others continued to be superficial and fragile.

Considering Joaquin’s parents, it is clear so far that they did not model the essential aspect in their son. He was to know true love and teach him how to love because love is learned. He grew up with limited love, and not feeling loved. So, he did not know how to express his feelings in his relationships. At home, he began to feel out of place.

From his mother’s womb, Joaquin began to develop an effective deficiency. Unfortunately, this first mother-child interaction will remain throughout life. Thus, it is what we call attachment. It is, without a doubt, a natural mechanism. Through it, we seek security. In our next post, we will continue developing this concept.