Love is a skill learned at home. Let’s see an example. Joaquin was a 35-year-old man, a widower without children. He went to seek professional help to overcome depression.
Let’s start with understanding Joaquin’s relationship with his parents, specifically with his mother. He was the youngest of five brothers. His father had been dead for five years, and Joaquin was not close to his mother. The memories he had of his childhood in his home were difficult to process.
Although Joaquin was his father’s favorite son, he never felt his mother’s affection, care, and love. Although she was always physically there cooking and washing his clothes, she never hugged him, nor told him that she loved him. Since his father was not home because he was working most of the time, Joaquin grew up developing an insecure attachment to his parents, especially to his mother.
Joaquin’s problem was not only the distance between him and his mother. His brothers did not give him space in the home either. They were much older than him and did not like him being his father’s favorite son, so there was a distance between them, which contributed to him feeling an emotional void even in his adult life.
Love is a skill learned according to real experiences
He was mistreated and suffered harassment from his brothers to the point that he sometimes questioned his existence in this world and thought about taking his own life. He felt he did not fit in the world around him. Thoughts of ending one’s life are a sign of deep pain and a reason to reach out for help right away.
Now, Joaquin is an adult and has serious depression problems that negatively affected him while he was married and still affect him today. He feels that not even God loves him, since if He is as good as they say, then, why has He not interfered in his life? When pain is this heavy, it can be hard to feel the love of God or the love of the people around us.
His depression worsened when he lost his wife in an accident, and since then, he began to question God. He is grieving, and he has other difficulties that have developed in his life. He does not feel fulfilled, he is an insecure person, and he does not know how to have relationships, especially with people of the opposite sex.
A painful childhood is an important part of Joaquin’s story, together with the loss of his wife, his years of depression, and his isolation. When a child does not receive secure attachment, full of love and affection, the wounds can run deep and can affect how a person relates to others and how satisfied he or she feels with life. But these wounds are not a life sentence. People can learn safer, more secure ways of relating through supportive relationships and, when needed, through therapy. Love is a skill learned at home, and when parents do not have a loving relationship with their children, the consequences can be serious. The good news is that love, even if it was not learned at home, can be learned later.
Love is a skill learned: what research shows
Research on children who spent their first years in severely deprived institutions in Romania and were later adopted in the United Kingdom (the English and Romanian Adoptees study) points in the same direction. Most of the children adopted before six months of age appeared to have caught up by age six, while a minority who experienced longer deprivation continued to have specific psychological difficulties into young adulthood. Early loving care matters, and recovery is possible.
In Joaquin’s story, he did not receive the warm, expressed love that children need, so he did not learn how to express his feelings in his relationships. At home, he began to feel out of place.
Our earliest relationships, especially with our mothers or primary caregivers, leave a deep mark. This is what we call attachment. It is, without a doubt, a natural mechanism through which we seek security. These early patterns tend to influence us, but they can also change. In our next post, we will continue developing this concept.
If you, like Joaquin, are carrying depression, grief, or thoughts of ending your life, please reach out for help today (see below).
What did you learn about love at home, and what would you like to learn now?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
Sources
- University of Southampton. English and Romanian Adoptees study.
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El amor es una destreza aprendida en el hogar.
Estoy muy de acuerdo contigo. Como padres tenemos en nuestras manos la bendición y la maldición. Si tomamos tiempo para enseñar a nuestro hijos como amar con nuestro ejemplo, estaremos bendiciendo futuras generaciones.