Learning to Love -Key for happiness

by with One Comment Emotional IntelligenceSelf-awareness
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] I thought I knew how to love, and I won’t have to worry about learning to love. I was married to my beautiful wife, Zoraida. And was ready to make her happy for the rest of her life. So, I was confident that being raised in an Adventist home was more than enough to make me a good husband.

However, when the honeymoon ended, I began to see all my wife’s imperfections and suddenly began to mistreat her in ways I thought I never would. The good behaviors I wanted to practice with my wife, I did not do, and the bad behaviors I never thought I would show, I did. I had the same problem that Paul describes in Romans 7:19, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”

Be able of learning to love

What was the problem? The answer we usually have for this issue is that we are sinners and that we have a sinful nature. This is correct, but it is not an excuse I could use to justify my negative behavior. Another answer is that we do not know how to love. But how could I say that I did not know how to love if I had been in love for almost my entire life?

It is a different thing to say that you are in love than to say that you know how to love. I am talking about Agape love, the divine love that is sacrificial and unconditional. The love, described in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13, is not governed by emotion but by a principle.

Why the need of learning to love

So, why didn’t I know how to love? I did not know how to love because the way I showed love was connected to my lack of emotional growth. My biological growth was not proportional to my emotional growth. In other words, I could have been 50 years old, but I was still behaving like an infant emotionally.

Neuroscience generally divides the mind into two dimensions: the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. The conscious mind is the one in charge of our short-term memory — everything we have in the present. The subconscious mind is the one in control of our involuntary actions, automatic thoughts, emotions, dreams, intuition, and impulses.

The important thing about these concepts is that, according to the psychological literature, the subconscious mind is the one that directs our life. 90 percent of all the decisions we make every day come from our subconscious minds.

A life script

Our subconscious mind performs certain actions before we can think about them consciously, thereby impacting our free will. These “little voices” are nothing but mere thoughts that emerge automatically in our minds. They are part of an internal life script that tells us where to go and what to do. This script determines the way we interpret the world and our basic way of being.

Unconsciously, we have been developing a life script since our childhood. We were influenced by our attachment figures, especially our parents or the people closest to us, and now we are almost obliged to represent these individuals in our life. This explains why I was behaving in ways that were hurting my wife’s feelings. My life was guided by the life script I had received from my parents.

What a life script is?

A life script is the mental programming that affects our lives. It gives us the language we want to use and the actions we are going to develop. It is not easy to be aware of the life script that we follow, but seeking to answer complicated questions about our existence makes the difference between conforming to the flow of “what there is” and truly following the path of a healthy heart.

Today, we all live life scripts influenced by someone from our past. That is the number one reason why we need to learn how to love. We are reliving the same emotional dynamic we had in our families, and if our parents were not teaching us how to love, we are probably going to find it difficult to show love for others.

Everyone lives love in a limited way until they learn how to transform their lives, and the fact that someone does not love may be due to a lack of knowledge about love. If we want to learn about cars, we will undoubtedly do it through a diligent study of cars. If we want to be chefs, surely, we will learn the culinary arts, and maybe even try to take some cooking classes.

How do we learn to love?

Nevertheless, it seems less obvious to us that if we want to give and receive love, we should devote at least some time, like the mechanic or the chef, to studying and learning to love. No mechanic or cook would ever believe that the mere fact of just wanting to obtain knowledge in these fields would make them experts. The same goes for love. It is necessary to learn how to love and be loved. How are we learning to love?

1. we need to practice self-awareness

We cannot change what we do not know. We need to find, with the help of the Holy Spirit, the imperfections we have in our lives that keep us away from God and others. In my case, if I wanted to learn how to love Zoraida, I needed to make myself aware that I was not managing my anger correctly.

I needed to understand the memories or experiences that I had in my subconscious mind that was preventing me from expressing my anger in a godly way. The first two chapters of the book “Learning to Love” present this issue and provide practical exercises to help readers make sense of their past and change their present behavior.

2. We need to increase our emotional intelligence

How do we grow in this area? By reflecting on our emotions and labeling them. Practice empathizing with yourself and others. Know your stressors. Be resilient. Practice responding rather than reacting. Increasing our emotional intelligence is a lifetime process, so do not give up.

3.  We need to renew our minds

The transformation of our minds is the work of the Holy Spirit. In the end, the most important task we have is to learn how to love God and others. The Apostle Paul said:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

We want to challenge our families and communities to learn how to love and be loved. We will conduct seminars in churches, schools, and many other institutions. And we also provide resources for every person who wants to learn how to love. Be part of this movement, #learningtolove. Visit our section where we provide more information about Learning to Love.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Your thoughts define your reality in your mind

by with No Comment Emotional Intelligence

The things you say to yourself determine the way you perceive reality and how you act when facing it. Dare to discover the script of your life and rewrite it, so you can be yourself and reach your potential.

Have you ever wondered why things always go wrong for you? Why you are not happy? Or, why is it so hard for you to reach the dream you have for your life? Why, even though you call yourself a Christian, do you find yourself stuck repeating the same unhealthy behaviors you experienced when you met the gospel? If you are one of those who constantly wonders what the difference is between those who do achieve what they aspire to and those who do not, this topic will interest you.The reality in Israel mind

The people of Israel experienced the same thing we often experience. They left Egypt free by the mighty hand of God. They had God’s presence with them at all times. So, they saw impressive miracles throughout their journey, but despite all that, a whole generation of men, except for Joshua and Caleb, were buried in the desert.

The argument we have been developing in the book “Learning to Love” is that the people of Israel did not grow emotionally. Emotional and spiritual growth must be intentional, and both must go hand in hand. You cannot grow spiritually if you do not grow emotionally. Human beings have three dimensions: spiritual, physical, and emotional.

All three must be integrated and balanced. If I care about the spiritual and physical dimensions and neglect the emotional dimension, I will not have balance in my life. And the result will be that I will not be able to grow to reach maturity.

All this becomes more relevant when we consider the cognitive development process of the human mind. God brought me into existence through my parent’s intimate relationship, they should have been my example of how to interpret the world around me. In other words, my parents had the responsibility of being the first teachers in my emotional growth.

The reality in our mind

The first seven years of my life were key in this process because in this period. I was forming my life script. In that script of life, all the emotional dynamics were reflected. They are the command, orders, and limiting or empowering beliefs that I received from my parents. That is why a script is a life plan that contains the most significant of what is going to happen to a person.

It is not a destiny determined by the gods. But it has its origin in the beginnings of life, in childhood. In the early decisions that a child makes to adapt and survive in his/her environment. So, they are installed as a program that leads the person in the future unconsciously. Unless he/she decides to become aware of the beliefs and unconscious decisions that rule them.

That life script is a part of your subconscious that dominates your life. Thus, the problem is that what you say to yourself determines how you perceive reality and how you act before it. The limiting beliefs written in our life scripts do not allow us to reach our full potential. Limiting beliefs are a perception of reality that prevents you from progressing, growing, making decisions aligned with yourself, or reaching your potential. In my blog, I will continue developing this concept.

Emotional growth is not proportional to biological growth

by with No Comment Emotional IntelligenceSpiritual growth

Your emotional growth is not proportional to your biological growth.

Why did the people of Israel fail? Why, from that entire generation that left Egypt, did only two people, Joshua and Caleb, get into the Promised Land? The people of Israel failed due to their sinful nature. And perhaps, the reason why you have failures in your marriage or your family is because of the sinful nature you have.

But, even though we have this nature, we do not consider it an excuse for not achieving our dreams or having healthy families because the same God who freed the people of Israel from Pharaoh’s hands is the same God who is present in our lives today and frees us from Satan’s hands, so we can experience a new transformation and a new life in Jesus Christ.

Emotional growth

Let’s study this subject a little deeper. There is a factor that we do not often consider when studying spiritual growth, and that is our sinful nature. This has to do with the fact that we do not often grow spiritually because we do not grow emotionally. Your emotional growth greatly influences how you behave with your family and in your relationships.

This means that if you are learning to love, you need to learn something: love is something you learn and your ability to manage your emotions, your emotional intelligence, has a lot to do with how you are going to learn how to love, how you are going to express the love you have for your wife or husband, your children, and your family.

Emotional growth according to the Bible

Many times, we do not grow because we do not mature emotionally. And this was the problem with the people of Israel. They were released from Egypt. God was present, but they never grew emotionally. What does this mean? Let’s analyze it. Whenever they had a problem, stress, or a crisis in their lives, how did they handle their emotions? The Bible has many examples that show us that they lost control. In the first moment, they tended to curse Moses, the leaders of God’s people, and even God Himself.

They threw stones to eliminate and kill the leaders of God’s people because they were not satisfied with the way God had been leading their lives. And nowadays, the same thing often happens in many relationships: family members argue, fight, and they lose control because they cannot control their emotions. That is why there are many families in crisis.

Emotional growth according to example of life

As a therapist, I have many cases with people coming to the office, destroyed, saying: “My husband (or wife) said words that hurt me emotionally, my husband (or wife) did things that I cannot name here.” This happens because the husband or wife did not know how to manage their emotions.

Often, we do not grow spiritually because we do not grow emotionally. A person can be 50 years old and behave like an emotional child or adolescent because his or her emotional growth is not proportional to biological growth. Many people are confused about this subject, and in my practice, I find many cases in which people do not understand the importance of growing emotionally.

Your emotional growth

Your emotional growth will not be proportional to your biological growth unless you intend to grow, mature, and change the way you think, to reflect Christ’s mind. Otherwise, you will not grow emotionally. And, this is why in your relationship as a husband or a wife, you manifest behaviors that surprise you, and you wonder, “Where did these behaviors come from? Why do I not do the good thing I want to do and do the bad thing I do not want to do?”

That happens because you have not grown emotionally. And since you have not done it, you do not know how to handle your emotions, you do not have emotional intelligence, you do not understand your wife’s emotions, your husband’s, your children’s emotions, and you end up screaming, manifesting negative emotions in a way that God does not want you to manifest them. All because you have not grown emotionally.

Your emotional growth should be proportional to your spiritual growth. This means that in the same way you grow spiritually, you need to grow emotionally. The same Spirit that produces spiritual growth produces emotional growth.

What you can do for reaching emotional growth

Maybe you have been in the Kingdom of God for many years and know the Bible completely. Maybe you are married and have a family, but none of this is going to be important or relevant unless you grow up emotionally. A person who grows spiritually and does not grow emotionally is inconceivable because the same Spirit that produces both kinds of growth must be present.

If we go to the book of Ephesians, we will see that Paul talks about the fruit of the Spirit. That is love, joy, and peace. Those fruits are produced by the Holy Spirit. These fruits will not be produced even if you go to church, sing, and read the Bible. But then go home and mistreat your husband or wife, your children, and talk to them improperly. Because you do not have patience, tolerance, or self-control. The same Spirit that leads you to worship and to have the presence of God in your life is the same one that helps you control your emotions.

Due to this confusion, we have decided to present the program “Learning to Love.”

Learning to Love

Yale University has proven and has written many articles that show that 80 percent of people’s success is based on their emotional ability and intelligence.

Maybe you are struggling with your family, with your marriage. Maybe you want a healthy marriage, or to learn to love God and others, but you see that in the middle of that fight, you fail, and like the people of Israel, you give up because you do not know how to do it.

Today, I challenge you to learn something new. If you want to learn how to love, you need to grow, t mature emotionally, to reach Christ’s stature and His mind. This means that you need to reach and develop the emotions Jesus experienced. That is, to have Christ’s mind. You can do it. I also challenge you to start growing emotionally. And, through these posts, we will show you how to grow and develop emotional intelligence.

Through these lines, we want to help you achieve this goal. You can also buy the book Learning to Love on Amazon or contact us.

You can learn how to love and that way, you can transform future generations.

God bless you.