If you have been unfaithful, you have realized your mistake and you feel that you love your partner, then rebuilding their trust is the next step. It is possible that, in the middle of this emotional hurricane, you do not know how to do it and that is why I want to accompany you.
Before we continue, I will tell you that rebuilding your partner’s trust is a demanding challenge and it is a slow process, but it is possible to achieve. Understanding these 3 truths will make you stay in the attempt without fainting. If you are ready, let’s go!
Some considerations to rebuild their trust
Your partner lives a roller coaster of emotions. That is why rebuilding their trust is an experience lived through feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy and doubt. Also, they ask themselves a lot of difficult questions.
Being aware of your fault will make you assume the consequences such as, for example, the fact that they are emotionally unavailable. You will have to give everything you have to restore the health of your relationship.
Today I share with you these 5 fundamental tips:
1. Show your sincere regret
Did you tell them that you are sorry for your mistake? If you have said so, now is the time to prove it with facts. You can prove it this way:
- Stop all contact with your lover. If you allow yourself to remain “as a friend” it is evident that you have not yet understood the hurt you have caused your spouse. Possibly, deep in your heart you want to remain attached to that person.
- Avoid being defensive and pretending not to listen to complaints. Remember that your action has generated these traumatic feelings in your spouse. You may have to apologize often and give the details your partner requests.
- Be honest. Always tell the truth and persist in transparency. Because if your partner discovers something that you have not explained with transparency, you will not be able to rebuild their trust and they will want to separate.
2. Make the relationship your priority
Your daily planning, energies and interests should revolve around getting the relationship back on track. Strive to plan time together, let them know and feel that you want to be with them. Even spend time at home if you don’t feel ready to share activities outside the home.
Reflect on the things that interest your spouse. If you think you know the answer, try a little harder to find details you hadn’t considered before.
3. Show your main interest: him or her
As a therapist, I have seen that a devastating consequence of infidelity is the personal insecurity that the partner who has been cheated on assumes. They feel unattractive, unappreciated, that they are not enough for their partner, and similar things.
Therefore, to rebuild their trust you need to help them to trust again in themselves by showing them that they are the person that you want to be committed to. The following actions can help you:
- Acknowledge and express your gratitude for the opportunity they have given you after the damage you have caused.
- Appreciate and praise their qualities and also be grateful that they share their wonders with you.
- Tell them with words, gestures and actions that you love them and that you do not wish to lose them. Repeat this daily.
- Make them feel desirable, that you like them and that you are attracted to them. Open your mind and creativity to court in a different way than you are used to.
- Avoid lying or betraying trust again.
4. Focus on reconnecting
After the cheating, your partner is distressed, so in trying to rebuild their trust you must provide them with a strong emotional connection. Emotional connection consists of being able to understand what they feel, attend to their needs and make them feel loved.
Expressions like “I understand your mistrust, but I won’t cheat on you again,” “I want to be with you,” and other similar expressions will make you a little closer. You may need to repeat this many times.
There is only one way to rebuild this bond: intimate communication. That is, being honest, expressing in words what you feel and understanding each other. It’s not easy to do and it can be painful, but continued practice will lead to new habits of trust.
5. Don’t rush physical sexual contact
By connecting emotionally with your partner you can rebuild their trust in sexuality and in any aspect of the relationship. Well, when a couple feels emotionally connected they have the ability to harmonize and connect in the bedroom.
In his book The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman states that the relationship cannot begin again without the mutual pleasure of sexual intimacy. And, this mutual pleasure is born solely from the emotional connection that is built through intimate communication.
A rushed sexual encounter can be confusing and/or frustrating. For, both are emotionally vulnerable and distressed. And, what you rush into feeling can be unstable.
Make sure you make love to your partner at the right time and you will rebuild their trust completely.
God and intimacy in marriage
“A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2.24)
God is intimacy and unity and all his creation has this same quality (John 17.1). That is, what God has created lives in intimacy and connected to each other. For example, humans depend on the environment (plants, water, air) and, in turn, the environment depends on the care that humans give to it.
In marriage, to be intimate is to be one flesh. In other words:
- The couple lives connected to each other (in intimate communication and understanding).
- Both make themselves vulnerable and transparent in order to be known and to know the person they love.
- Man and woman are naked sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually and are not ashamed (Genesis 2.25).
There is intimacy when there is commitment, security and trust. Renewing the commitment with your partner implies rebuilding their trust based on the true intimacy that God intended for marriage.
I will be willing and happy to accompany you to face this difficulty. Contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.