What you need to know about intimacy

by with No Comment Marriage

Today, intimacy is not fully understood. There are misconceptions about intimacy, and that is why I want to write about this topic. For example, many say that: 1) Intimacy is sexual participation with another person. 2) Intimacy is always expressed physically. 3) Marriage will naturally produce intimacy. 4) Intimacy can only be found in relationships with people of the opposite sex. 5) Intimacy is a feeling of closeness. 6) Once you develop intimacy, you will always have it.

Studies of the intimacy

Having these misconceptions about intimacy has led us to experience serious relationship problems in all dimensions. Divorce rates tell us that the lack of intimate relationships is why they have increased in the last 20 years.

Studies on the Attachment Theory in children have shown that the lack of parental attachment/intimacy with children affects the way these children develop romantic relationships (Bowlby, 1980; Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Other studies argue that the influence of these traumatic attachment experiences in childhood affects the neurobiological system that regulates social and emotional behavior (Reite & Boccia, 1994).

What is intimacy?

What does the word intimacy mean? This word derives from the Latin intimus, which means “the deepest part of us.” It is a close relationship between two people who feel safe enough to share their deepest feelings.

An intimate relationship is a gift from God. We were created to be intimate with God. God lives in intimacy with the Deity. Genesis 1:26-28 says that God created us in His image, His relational image. We were created to have an I-YOU relationship with God and our neighbor, in which intimacy is the key to the relationship, where there can be reciprocity, giving, and receiving love.

We were created so that we could live in an intimate relationship with our neighbors. Gen. 2:18 says that Adam was alone. God knows everything. God wanted to highlight the importance of intimacy, and that is why He presents man in solitude, unable to fulfill the function for which he was created.

The man needed to have another being similar to him so that he could emulate the intimate relationship he would have with the Creator. Therefore, God brought Eve to him and Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This is a person with whom I can have full intimacy.”

The Sabbath

Notice the following: the two institutions God established at the moment of the Creation were made to express the highest type of intimacy. God instituted the Sabbath so that human beings could express themselves in the highest form, the intimacy with God. God instituted marriage so that humankind could also express itself in the highest form, the intimacy with the neighbor (spouse) by becoming one flesh.

If we consider the institution of the Sabbath from the perspective of the Jewish people, the Sabbath was instituted so that humans could rest in God and procreate. This reflects the essence of mankind: created to live in intimacy with God and the neighbor.

The marriage

In the marriage sermon, God gave to Adam and Eve, the order: “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and they shall be one flesh.”

God calls for leaving the intimate relationship that the couple had in their families. So that they could join their spouse and begin to experience intimacy in the new family unit. That is why, the level of intimacy you have with your spouse will be closely linked to the level of intimacy you learned in your childhood home.

Genesis 2:25 says that “they were naked and were not ashamed.” What does God want to highlight through the biblical author in this chapter? This is the most graphic kind of marital intimacy: two different people, equal in value, with a deeply emotional, spiritual, and, physical relationship, in total transparency, without fear of being known. This is the kind of openness, acceptance, trust, and excitement I refer to when I use the word intimacy.

Types of intimacy

It is obvious that it is about physical nakedness, but he is implying spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and recreational nakedness that manifests itself in the domains of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy

You must feel free to express your feelings, without fear of being judged or rejected. A very important part of achieving this connection is self-knowledge, since the better we know how we feel and why. The easier it will be for us to explain it to our spouses and to understand situations that disturb our peace.

Intellectual intimacy

Your partner hears all your ideas (even the craziest ones). Is it easy for the two of you to stay up all night talking about several topics? That is: what we share and listen to enriches each other. This concept is super important. It has a lot to do with the admiration we feel towards the other person.

Recreational intimacy

It involves everything from going to the park to reading a book together, or sharing any activity that you enjoy doing together and are passionate about. So, some couples have hobbies in common, which is very beneficial to counteract the routine that may lead some relationships to fail.

Sexual intimacy

Kisses, caresses, massages… dare to experiment in your sexual intimacy, to get to know each other and share your likes. A passionate weekend getaway. The ideas have no limits.

Now we know the different types of intimacy that exist. We also know how important they are to a close and deep relationship with our spouse. By overcoming shame and becoming vulnerable to the other, we will achieve intimacy. It applies both in our relationship with God and in our relationship with others.

Do you want to know how we can deal with shame? How can we repair that intimate relationship that has been broken or that we have not built yet? Do you want to feel the joy of being able to establish an intimate relationship with God and with your neighbor? If your answer is yes, then, I invite you to read our next post. So you can see that there is hope amidst the shame. God bless you.

Helping your spouse overcome depression

by with No Comment Marriage

Continuing from our last post, there are several ways you can help your spouse overcome depression. Or at least be the support your spouse needs to seek professional help. Fortunately, depression is a treatable illness. While many people live with depression, they find support to go on living life. Sometimes through therapy alone, or with a combination of therapy and medication.

While there is no substitute for professional help and medical advice, here are eight ways you can support your spouse through depression. You can also help sustain a healthy marriage. There is no doubt that by following these steps, you will help your spouse feel supported. Especially, when she is facing the situationa that is making him/her feel that way.

  1. Be there during her depression

Just being present with your spouse is being supportive. You do not need to try to fix the problem, or even look for a problem to fix. There may not be an obvious issue. And trying to fix a perceived problem can often make things worse for the other person. Symptoms of depression can seemingly come out of the blue, without a clear cause or trigger. What matters the most is that the person struggling feels safe and supported. Never underestimate the impact of sitting in silence with someone who is feeling down. Having someone with you in a time of suffering without feeling the pressure to do anything or say anything can ease the sense of loneliness and despair.

  1. Listen.

Invite your spouse to talk about how he/she feels, and what is on his/her mind, and then practice active listening. Active listening means paying attention and reflecting on what you have heard back to him/her and withholding judgment and advice. It can be helpful to ask your partner at the outset if he/she would like support or solutions, so you know how to approach the conversation. Do not give up on your partner if he/she isolates themselves, and let him/her know you are there if he/she wants to talk.

  1. Encourage your partner to seek professional help

When depressive symptoms persist and interfere with your spouse’s ability to take care of himself/herself, or his/her function at work, or show up in his/her relationships, encourage your partner to seek advice from a medical professional. Your family doctor can refer your partner to a mental health professional as well as prescribe medication if necessary.

A clinical counselor can help a person with mental health issues process problematic thoughts and emotions and develop healthy coping skills. Today, many mental health professionals work online, so you can receive support without leaving the comfort of your home. If counseling is not a financially viable option, visit your local church or search online for low-cost or community support groups.

  1. Remove stressors

Simple daily tasks can seem overwhelming for someone experiencing depression. Taking care of household maintenance, including laundry, cooking, cleaning, and groceries, will help ease the burden. Removing or reducing responsibilities wherever possible will help create more mental space for your spouse.

  1. Get moving, together

Set an intention to spend some time together outdoors. Exercise is a powerful mood booster, and even a short walk around the neighborhood can reap rewards. Movement, a change of scenery, and time spent together can all help change brain chemistry, and when the heart rate is increased, we breathe more deeply, leading to greater mindfulness.

There is also a proven connection between spending time in nature and reduced stress and depression[1]. Taking a walk in nature or spending time in a green space will ease symptoms and increase resilience.

  1. Focus on eating healthy foods

The brain needs vitamins, minerals, and nutrients for healthy cognition, so make sure your spouse is getting enough fruit and vegetables, healthy fats, and drinking plenty of water.

  1. Use words of affirmation

Depression can take a toll on a person’s sense of self and self-esteem, so your words of love, affirmation, and encouragement will go a long way. Encourage your spouse when they make progress, and remind them of their strengths, talents, and the many qualities you love about them.

  1. Take care of yourself

When the people we care for are unwell, the most important thing we can do for them is stay situation fit and healthy. You must continue to take care of your health and well-being, so you can be strong for your partner during a challenging time. As much as possible, keep doing the things you enjoy, connect with your support network, and seek out emotional support. For the other partner, the significant changes to their spouse’s mood, energy, and behavior can lead to a great sense of loss for the healthy and vibrant partner they know so well, and often a feeling of helplessness.

The important thing is to have an active role when our spouses are facing depression and fighting its symptoms and effects. Just by being there, we will help our partners feel better. And by showing our support, we will make them feel they are loved and that we care.

God wants us to be happy, and healthy, and to live our lives to the fullest. He has shown us how by playing our relational role. Just as He plays His in the triune deity, we will be reflecting His relational image and showing our love at its best expression.

See depression as an intruder in your marriage

Like any other illness, depression is an outside force. It is an unwanted visitor that wreaks havoc on your spouse’s health, your marriage, and your family life. Seeing it this way can allow both of you to talk about its effects without feeling guilt or shame.

“Once we start talking about it as a third party, as ‘the depression,’ we will be able to express our frustrations constructively,” says Scott-Lowe. “If Dennis doubted his worth, he might say, ‘That is just depression speaking. It is not you.’ When he is not depressed, he does not think this way. He is filling you with lies.”

Acknowledge that you cannot cure your partner’s depression

Your spouse needs your love, support, and concern. But these important qualities cannot reverse depression. Any more than they can control blood sugar levels, ease arthritis pain, or clear clogged arteries. Just as you would not rely on love alone to cure a medical condition, or withdraw love because it did not cure it. So, do not expect your feelings or attention to be able to alter your spouse’s unbalanced brain chemistry. Use your love to get help and remind your partner of his/her intrinsic worth during this challenging time.

Do you know any other way we can support our spouse when he/she is facing depression? Have you felt depressed by any circumstance? Have you felt God’s hand supporting you while going through a difficult situation? Share your answers with us, so we can enrich our experience and help others face this important issue. God bless you.

[1] Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Medical School, https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/sour-mood-getting-you-down-get-back-to-nature

How to face depression in the marriage

by with No Comment Marriage

We all know what depression is and how it affects the life of the person who is experiencing it. Let’s see now, how to face depression in the marriage. We also know that it affects family members who have close contact with that person.

Clinical or Major Depression is a more serious issue. It is practically a constant state of depression. It is one of the most common mental health disorders in the United States.

There are an estimated 17.3 million adults, or 7.1% of the population, experiencing at least one major depressive episode in a given year.[1]  With the added stress of COVID-19, those numbers are increasing. That is because all the things we considered “normal” changed, and the “new reality” is hard for most people.

How is suffering depression in the marriage?

While there are different types of depression, major depressive disorder is the most common in America[2], and unlike sadness and grief, which are normal human emotions, depression is characterized by persistent symptoms that interfere with the ability to carry out day-to-day activities, negatively impacting our work and relationships.

There is no single cause leading to depression. With life experiences, genetics, brain chemistry, and environment, there are many factors that many factors can trigger depression.

Clinical or major depression has been classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as a period of at least two weeks when a person experiences five or more of the following symptoms. With at least one being depressed mood, or loss of interest or pleasure:

  • depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day,
  • noticeable loss of interest or pleasure in activities,
  • significant weight loss or weight gain,
  • insomnia or oversleeping,
  • restlessness, fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day,
  • feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt,
  • inability to concentrate or make decisions,
  • recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying).

How does depression affect marriage?

In marriage, we vow to support our spouse in sickness and in health, and when a mental health issue arises, it can be one of the most challenging illnesses to face as a couple or family.

For the person suffering from depression, seemingly simple tasks such as taking a shower, making a meal, or driving to the store can become overwhelming or near impossible. Research shows that depressed patients spend as many days in bed as people with chronic medical conditions.[3]

For the other partner, the significant changes to their spouse’s mood, energy, and behavior can lead to a great sense of loss for the healthy and vibrant partner they know so well, and often a feeling of helplessness. The spouse can witness the change the depressed partner has suffered.

Suffering from depression is a more and more common issue nowadays. The stress we experience on a daily basis with financial, work, and health issues, just to name a few. It has affected people regardless of their social status, religion, or conditions in general.

We all feel the pressure, we all feel the pain, and we all feel burdens falling upon our shoulders. Maybe we feel tired, maybe we feel overwhelmed, maybe we feel depressed.

 Depression in the marriage is common

Does this sound familiar to you? Have you felt this way? Or maybe you have seen your spouse fighting depression? You are not alone. Even in the Bible, we can find people like David, Joseph, and Job who experienced sadness and sorrow in their lives.

In Job’s story, we can see how his wife could not stand seeing him at rock bottom. But they all had something in common, they sought God to overcome the pain and sadness. They found in God their refuge to cope and to move forward. But it is not an easy task.

You may be wondering if there is something you can do to not let depression ruin your marriage, and there is. First, motivate your spouse to seek God’s help in His Holy Word.

There are beautiful verses in which we can find the strength to talk to God, to ask Him for help, to ask Him to hold our hand while we go through the tough time. You can also help your spouse seek professional help so that both of you can have the emotional tools you need to overcome the crisis.

How to face depression in the marriage

There are ways for us to help our loved ones overcome depression, the crisis, and the tough times they could be living through. Do you want to learn other ways you can help your spouse or close relative deal with depression? I invite you to read our next post so that you can have a broader picture of what we can do to help them feel better. God bless you.

[1] National Institute of Mental Health, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression.shtml

[2] Healthline, https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/facts-statistics-infographic#Types-of-depression

[3] US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health,  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4394420/S

How to strengthen your marriage

by with No Comment Marriage

We have been comparing the structure of a house to the structure of marriage. How to strengthen your marriage? We talked about the importance of having a strong and deep foundation. Thus, we also emphasized the importance of having strong walls that do not succumb to the changes of life.

These walls are reinforced by “filling the relationship tank” or “making deposits in the emotional bank.” But what does this mean? How can I strengthen my marriage?

Exercises to strengthen your marriage

Gottman, a well-known author, recommends five exercises that, when put into practice, will allow you to fill the love tank, to fill the emotional bank with resources for the marriage relationship. These exercises are:

Exercise 1: Saying goodbye in the morning

It is recommended that you ask what your partner is going to do during the day before leaving for work. Finding out about at least one event a day in the partner’s life is a way of saying, “I care about you.” It helps to break the habit of inattention and the routine that turns couples into strangers who gradually distance from each other.

Exercise 2: Talk at the end of the day

When you get home, try to mitigate the stress accumulated during the workday though conversation. Many times, when couples get home, they do not speak due to fatigue, or because they focus on complaints or interrupt the other person.

In order to do this, it is advisable to spend a few minutes discussing work issues, how the day went, what you did, etc., without mixing them with those of the couple. By elaborating on concern verbally, we will avoid placing tension on the loved one. It is important to resist the tendency to give advice or to reproach the other person. Instead, it is best to seek solutions and to show support and understanding.

Exercise 3: Show appreciation

At least once a day, verbally express admiration, appreciation, and value the other person for something he/she has done, directly or through a phone call or sending him/her a message.

Exercise 4: Express affection physically

Words and sexual contact are not the only important factors. Outside the bedroom, it is also necessary to exchange hugs, kisses, or caresses, to express tenderness and use skin-to-skin contact with each other.

Exercise 5: The weekly appointment

Once a week, organize a date with your spouse, like when you started dating. Go somewhere together or stay home alone, chatting, getting intimate and expanding the love map.

Following these exercises, we will have dedicated time and attention to our partner, who will gradually help enrich the intimate relationship.

You may be wondering if those elements are the foundation and the walls, then what would the ceiling be? This would be conflict resolution. That is, solving problems that have a solution.

Strengthen your marriage when you face problems

There are two types of problems: solvable and unsolvable. According to Gottman and Silver (2014), 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of unsolvable.

  • What would be a solvable problem? It would be, for example: house cleaning, child discipline, sexual relations, mothers-in-law, situational problems, non-basic problems, that is, problems in which the solution can be reached and solved.
  • What would be the unsolvable problems? Problems centered on differences in personality and lifestyle. If the person feels rejected by the partner when the conflict appears, if he/she feels that the couple is not moving forward when talking about the problem, if he/she feels less and less willing to give in and stronger when maintaining his/her position regarding the subject, if he/she talks about the subject and notices that there is no affection or good humor.

How to regulate conflicts and strengthen your marriage

So, what would be the steps to follow to regulate conflicts and move towards solving problems? Let us start by indicating that the beginning of a discussion in which we seek to solve a problem should have a soft, non-discordant beginning, through a neutral description of facts: “I feel like… and I need that …”. We must be careful about the words we use.

In addition, we must accept our partner’s influence and understand his/her point of view, accept the things that we cannot change, try to relax our body and not be tense (physiological relaxation), make sure that the problem is not due to some sinful situation. Involve God and seek His principles in order to be guided to the solution. Do not talk too much, start with something positive, use “I” instead of “YOU.” Describe, do not judge. Speak clearly about what you need, express appreciation, do not hold grudges or dislikes. Finally, be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is one of the most important steps, as it will help you lower your guard and it will also allow you to follow all the steps to resolve conflicts.

By following these exercises and steps, we can move towards having a healthier, deeper relationship, one of love and understanding that supports all the changes that befall it, just the house that was built on the rock. May our rock be Jesus Christ. God bless you.

Foundations of a healthy marriage

by with No Comment Marriage

Do you know how a house is structured? Do you know the process for building a house? A house is made of several parts, each is important and has a specific role. Did you know that a marriage is built the same way as a house? Let’s see how to build a healthy marriage.

Foundations of a healthy marriage

A house requires three things: a foundation, walls, and ceiling. The house we are currently living in was built recently. We followed every step of its construction. The foundations, the walls, and the ceiling, everything were done in order, according to the architect’s design. Not following the architect’s plan is certain to lead to failure.

My wife loves decorating the house. She has plants all over the house, as well as mirrors, paintings, figurines, and furniture. But none of that is of any use if the house does not have a solid foundation, walls that resist storms, and a roof that protects everyone inside from inclement weather. Every aspect of the construction has an order and a purpose.

It’s the same in a marriage, which must have a good foundation, a good basis. It must have walls that protect it, and a ceiling. Everything must follow an order. Many people get married and believe that making love all day is enough and everything else in the marriage will work out just fine.

I have met men who have told me, “If my wife cooks well, that is enough for me.” Others say, “If she has a nice body, that is all I need.” This is like saying, “if my house has nice decorations, that is enough,” or, “if it has the right furniture, that is enough.” It is pointless to have decorations, furniture, flowers, or expensive items if the house does not have a good foundation and has not been built correctly. When the storms arrive, everything will collapse.

The Book of Matthew describes Jesus speaking about two builders: the one who built on rock and the one who built on sand.

What is building on the sand when it comes to marriage?

It is saying “I love you” on the wedding night and not repeating it ever again. In my office, I see many patients who come to me with complaints about husbands who do not tell them they love them and that they do not receive hugs from them.

  • Building a marriage on sand can also happen when, for example, a woman is willing to cook very good meals, but she does not want to be intimate with her husband. Intimacy is important in marriage.
  • Building a marriage on sand is when you drive a nice car for the year, but there is no money to pay for it. Financial problems are one cause of marital conflicts.
  • Marriage is also built on the sand when people want to be married, but they do not share quality time.
  • A marriage is built on the sand when there are no limits and there is room for other people, such as a mother-in-law or others, to interfere in the relationship.
  • It is also built on the sand when there is no time for God in the marriage. When people begin to have problems, during a hurricane, everything will collapse without God.

In the next posts, we will be talking about how to build a marriage on the firm rock that is Jesus Christ. But, to be able to build effectively on the rock, we must be clear about how to structure our marriage in such a way that it lasts and withstands all the changes that will come.

We will start by understanding the foundation that marriage must be built on to make it a happy, healthy, and blessed marriage.

The foundation of a healthy marriage

A marriage is built the same way a good foundation is laid when building a house. The foundation we lay to build our marriage will determine how strong it will be when all the life changes come. If it is a strong foundation, built on Jesus, our Rock, the marriage will be steady on the Rock no matter what problems come, or what storms hit.

On the contrary, if the foundations are anchored to banalities, appearances, deceptions, or lack of intimacy, storms will come and hit the weak foundations and the marriage will collapse in the face of change.

What foundation must every marriage have?

The answer is God. Yes, the foundation of every marriage is God! Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain (Psalm 127: 1). God instituted marriage, and He wants to be the center of it.

God said, “let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” What does this mean? That man was created in the image of God. Marriage is God’s invention and must show the relational image of God, a triune God manifested in three persons.

Since we are God’s creation, in his image and likeness, when building the marriage, we must put into practice the conception of love that comes from God, in which intimacy (not only sexual intimacy), understanding, respect, acceptance, harmony, and working together constitute the pillars of the foundations on which the rest of the structure of the house will lie.

And when we understand this great truth, we might ask ourselves, how do I build my marriage on that foundation that God provides? The answer is found in the truths and advice that God has left in his Word.

Spend time alone with God

the couple should have time to be alone with God. The couple takes time to pray together and stays together. This must be a priority in every Christian home. Pray as a married couple and family.

Follow God’s will

A couple who has God as the foundation of the relationship makes the decision to let God’s will define their lives. If God instituted marriage, don’t you think He knows which decisions are best to make in a marriage? How many relationships today are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt because they left God’s will aside to satisfy their desires and whims?

This was exactly what happened with Adam and Eve. They put God’s will aside to satisfy what seemed right before their eyes. That is why every couple must take the time to seek God’s will through the Holy Scriptures.

Forgiveness

A couple that has God as the foundation in their relationship forgives in the same way that God forgives us. One of the main teachings we can find in the Bible is that we must forgive, just as God forgives us. Forgiveness in marriage is one of the strongest foundations a relationship can have.

To err is human, but forgiving comes from God. He taught us that we must forgive. With forgiveness, wounds will heal, problems and conflicts will be resolved, and an opportunity will be given to correct mistakes. And, this way, the marriage will remain anchored to the rock, no matter how strong the storm that hits.

A healthy marriage

Everything said above will be supported by love as a strong basis, which will be the main material for not only the foundation of marriage but the entire structure. Unconditional love for God as your creator and unconditional love for your partner.

Have you stopped to think about the foundations of your marriage? Do those foundations reflect the relational image of God? Are those foundations strong, or are they weak foundations? Have you been beaten and weakened by life experiences?

Is there any other foundation you think could be of great importance? Share your answers with us in the comment section. This way we can enrich our experience together. God bless you.

How To Heal Attachment Injuries In Marital Relationships

by with 3 Comments Marriage
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I remember, a while back, when my wife came home from work feeling very depressed, overwhelmed, and emotionally drained. She had some attachment injuries. She came to me looking for understanding and validation in the safety of my arms. Yet, instead, I must confess, I made a huge mistake and mistook that opportunity since I suggested making love.

She got very upset and angry with me and complained that I had been insensitive towards her pain and vulnerability at the time. My careless action produced an attachment injury within her.
Later, when I realized that she was experiencing an attachment injury, I changed my approach toward her and I tried to reconnect emotionally with her by listening to her concerns and giving her affirmation and validation. I took responsibility for my insensitivity and asked her for forgiveness before the situation had an opportunity to escalate.

How to recognize attachment injuries in marriages?

Does this experience with my wife sound familiar to you? Be honest with yourself. I am being vulnerable here. Perhaps, my wife will want to kill me after reading this post. So, if you see that I’ve stopped writing, pray for me because you know what may have happened to me, lol… So, going back to the subject at hand:

Do you feel your partner has ever failed to support you in a crucial time in your relationship? Maybe you are still unsure. Ask yourself the following questions and if most of the answers are yes, then your relationship may have suffered an attachment injury.

  • Do you constantly bring up the past in a fight with your partner?
  • Are there any specific events for which you cannot or will not forgive your partner?
  • Have you felt abandoned by your partner at a crucial moment in your relationship?
  • Do you feel that you are constantly trying to communicate with your partner and still do not feel heard or understood?
  • Do you get very emotional or angry when remembering a specific event regarding your partner and your relationship?
  • Is there a negative moment in your relationship that you constantly relive or ruminate about?
  • Do you feel there was a specific point in your relationship where it took a turn for the worse?

If your answer is yes to any of these questions, you have suffered an attachment injury. If you know someone who may be experiencing an attachment injury, please share this post with that person.

What are attachment injuries?

“Attachment injuries” is a term coined by psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson. In its plural sense, attachment injuries are relationship wounds that make the relationships unsafe and limit emotional engagement. An attachment injury is a specific type of betrayal that is experienced in a couple’s relationship. It is characterized as a perceived or real abandonment, or a violation of trust. It is an incident in which one partner is inaccessible and unresponsive in the face of the other partner’s urgent need or vulnerability (Johnson, 2004).

Likewise, it is important to understand how this injury occurs in the marital relationship. The attachment system was created by God, and it is a marvelous combination of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs, all wired into the brain to help human beings stay in relationships with those with whom they have bonded. For example, in marriage, this system is natural and purposefully designed to keep the couple emotionally and physically connected.

However, since spouses are not perfect, make mistakes, and have vulnerabilities, sometimes cycles of conflict prevent them from being able to meet the attachment needs of the other. When the attachment is threatened, the attachment behavior system is triggered in an attempt to get the attention of the spouse to recover the emotional and physical connection.

This emotional reactivity is often a desperate cry from the soul of one of the partners to get the other to reach out and restore his or her heart to its rightful place of safety. If you wish to restore the attachment, then it is probably because your marital relationship has developed bad patterns of relating, which may include yelling, nagging, and fighting, amongst other behaviors.

How to recognize attachment injuries

When this attachment injury happens, you can experience feelings of abandonment and betrayal. The events that often precipitate this type of attachment injury are the following: Time of transition or changes in your life, attachment loss (death, separation, etc.), physical danger, uncertainty, the birth of a child, and a time of physical illness. Also, each partner’s manageable level of stress is different. Thus, what may be a manageable hurt for your spouse may be momentary interpersonal chaos for you.

In addition, the injury is connected to how the injured partner interprets the event, and how the other partner reacts to expressions of hurt by the injured party. When the spouse who caused the injury denies or gets defensive about this damage to the attachment, it can become a topic of constant bickering, although sometimes it may lay dormant and unexpressed for a prolonged period.

Healing attachment injuries

Johnson (2004) wrote about healing attachment injuries using the following outline:

  1. It is important for the injured spouse to begin to describe the incident in which he/she felt abandoned and helpless. And how it damaged the relationship as a secure bond.
  2. The “injured” spouse must stay in touch with the injury. She must begin to express its impact and its attachment significance. It allows the anger to evolve into expressions of hurt, helplessness, fear, and shame.
  3. The “non-injured” partner needs to begin to hear and understand the significance of the injury event. He also needs to understand it in attachment terms to know its importance to the injured spouse.
  4. The injured spouse slowly moves toward a more integrated and complete discussion of the injury. While expressing grief due to the loss and the fear about the attachment injury.
  5. Then, the other spouse must become more emotionally engaged. He must admit responsibility for his or her part in the attachment injury, while expressing feelings of regret and remorse for what has happened to the spouse.
  6. The injured spouse must risk asking for the spouse’s comfort and care. Since the spouse was unavailable because of the injury event(s).
  7. The other partner needs to respond in a caring manner that can act as an antidote to the trauma of the attachment injury.
  8. Once the attachment injury is resolved, the focus needs to be on the fostering growth and trust. And the beginning of positive cycles and connections.

Begin the healing process of your attachment injuries

Today, I challenge you to begin the healing process of your attachment injury. If you do not know how to start this process, write to me personally, or ask me a question in the comments section.

In my next post, I will talk about the importance of forgiveness in the healing process of attachment injuries. May God bless you, and remember, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).

​Reference: Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotional focused therapy. Creating connection. New York: Brunner-Routledge.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Is the sexual act something innate or something we learn?

by with 3 Comments Marriage

Talking about sexual acts in some religious circles is a controversial topic and makes many people uncomfortable. It is not difficult to understand why if we consider that sex is a gift from God. Someone said that when Adam and Eve got married, the gift God gave the newlyweds was sex. The Bible presents sex as one of the greatest blessings human beings have ever received. That is why Satan has done all he can to misrepresent this divine blessing. Today, I want to talk about a subject that could bring joy to many and make others uncomfortable. But there is nothing to worry about when the truth illuminates our understanding.

So, I will start with a question: is the sexual act something innate or something we learn? As you can see, this is a complex question and one that has produced many debates. Let us try to learn together.

The sexual act was established by God

God created us as sexual beings. We were born with the innate ability to experience sexual pleasure. Our genes, hormones, body shape, genitalia, and method of reproduction show God’s intention that our sexuality would be directed towards the establishment of loving intimacy, sexual pleasure, and reproduction.

Sex is an instinct for human beings. An instinct is something innate, natural, and part of our body. Based on this definition, we can also say that human beings have several different instincts, such as the instinct to be thirsty, hungry, secure, belonging, and more. All of these instincts are part of human survival. Just like sex.

What is interesting about this is that these natural or innate instincts are susceptible to anxiety and can be altered, overridden, or manipulated by our thoughts, emotions, or competitive motivations. For example, the instinct to eat is influenced by personal experiences, thoughts, and emotions, and is the reason many people have eating disorders. The same can be said regarding the instinct for safety and security. That instinct can be altered by the stress and anxiety that a person experiences, leading to anxiety disorders.

So, what can we say about sex?

If the sexual act were something simply natural, not something learned or developed, I would not have needed to study to be a marriage therapist because people would never have problems with their “sexual instinct.” Taking part in a sexual act would be as natural for us as breathing or eating. We would do it even without thinking.

This is true for animals, but not for human beings, who have the brain to think and process their experiences. How nice it is to think that men would have erection problems only due to diseases such as diabetes and not due to psychological problems! And women would never have problems with low libido, orgasms, or worry about how these conditions will affect their relationships.

Studies about the sexual act

So, we can conclude that while the sexual instinct is part of our human nature because we are sexual beings, this does not mean that it also comes with built-in knowledge about sex, and what to think about it. That is why we can conclude that sexual activity is something we learn. This argument is the opposite of the one presented by Master and Johnson.

They based their recognized pioneering study of sexuality on a biological model. The sexual act is more than a biological model. It is so complex that it crosses the borders of biology and integrates all dimensions of the human being.

Tiefer, in his book Sex, is Not a Natural Act, uses the analogy of learning to ride a bike to understand sexual acts. Although we naturally have everything we need to ride a bike, we also need instructions, guidance, and help to enjoy doing it. The same is true with sexual acts.

We learn to enjoy a good sexual act with our spouse through learning. To have a good time, we must learn to give and receive pleasure. This is not a one-way thing, as, contrary to popular belief, women do not exist purely to give men pleasure. We learn to have a good sexual act by discovering the power of human touch in expressing love and affection.

The sexual act also depends on knowing the moods, reactions, and desires of our spouse. Learning from the other’s body. Learning through the years, not just days, weeks, or months. Besides, learning as true partners throughout many seasons, not just as newlyweds. Learning to give and receive feedback. Learning to be sexually vulnerable. I am convinced that no one is born knowing how to have good sex. Nobody. This is something we learn.

The sexual act is natural

We have spent a lot of time preparing human beings to function at their full capacity as adults by teaching them about reading, math, good manners, how to drive a car, develop career skills, and how to get along with other people. But why haven’t we invested the same energy into helping human beings learn to have a sexual act that fulfills God’s original plan?}

Oh, I know what you are thinking. This cannot be discussed in our churches because it is a private matter. When was the last time your church talked about this topic? I understand that it is a private matter, but it does not mean that we must live in ignorance about it.

Let us ask ourselves, where do our young people go to learn about sexual acts? There is a great intellectual void in this area. And, our young people learn about sex at school, with their friends, on television, but most of all, sadly, using pornography or romantic novels.

Michael Cattleman, in his book Great Sex, compares learning about sex by watching porn with learning how to drive by watching action movies with cars racing at a high speed. Action movies are very entertaining, but at the end of the movie, you know that this is not how to drive in real life.

What do you think of my argument? Do you agree with me? If you do not, that is fine. Share your criteria. How could we make our society aware of the need to learn how to have a good sexual act?

How to deal with the insecurity in love

by with No Comment AddictionMarriage

When we talk about the basis on which our affections work, we can easily think that the experiences that a person has lived can determine the lens through which he/she perceives life and the interpersonal relationships that he/she has built. But how important are the early experiences we live in our childhood? Can they affect the process of developing insecurity in love?

Let’s start with the concept of attachment style from Jhon Bowlby. What is attachment? It is the behaviors that result in a person obtaining or retaining the proximity of another differentiated and preferred individual. The importance of early relationships with parents or primary caregivers, that is, with attachment figures, is a crucial element in the formation of dependent personality traits. 

Security or insecurity in love

In some cases, people do not establish an adequate secure attachment style and can establish dependent relationships with others. Such relationships create a feeling of insecurity in the person. It is due as their family and their home do not constitute the secure base of love, care, and attention that they needed during their formation and growth. So, it is here where the basis of a secure or insecure attachment determine. It is the way of perceiving and developing an individual’s interpersonal relationships that will depend on it.

When an infant receives affection, spoken with love and with words of encouragement while in his/her mother’s womb, the infant can enjoy the loving touches from the parents after the infant is born. The infant’s needs can be met when he/she is comforted in moments of anxiety or sadness, and when the parents are available whenever they are needed. 

When affective needs meet, the infant will build a secure attachment toward his/her primary caregivers. He will have a solid foundation to build future interpersonal relationships. This happens when concepts of love and what it means to interact with other people are clear, and later, in adult life, the person will be able to enjoy healthy interpersonal relationships in which he/she can feel happy, fulfilled, and loved.

Insecurity in love since the beginning of life

When the opposite happens: when, from his/her life in the womb, the baby feels rejected, feels neither loved nor expected, when he/she is born and does not receive enough love, words of affection, or caresses, when he/she cries and is not comforted, his/her needs are not met. When he/she experiences difficulties due to having poor communication and/or relationship with the parents or primary caregivers, the attachment formed will be an insecure one, leading to experiencing insecurity in love. 

That baby will not feel loved or supported and will feel that his/her needs are not important. He will feel that the demands for affection are illogical and have no foundation. So, he/she must seek his/her value in other people because it has not been given to them.

He/she will feel that they must seek to increase his/her self-esteem through the approval and admiration of others, he/she will not know how to establish a healthy interpersonal relationship; He/she will not know how to face and solve problems effectively. His/her concepts and guidelines for life as a couple or family will be distorted because he/she was a victim in his/her early childhood.

Two possible scenarios

As we can see, they are two different scenarios. In one scenario, those who have formed a secure attachment since childhood will be able to establish healthy interpersonal relationships. He will do it from a base of emotional intelligence, love, happiness, understanding, high self-esteem, and self-worth.

The second scenario generates insecurity in love

However, the other scenario is a negative one. There the person has a base of insecurity, fear, anxiety, fear of abandonment, and unmet needs. In this scenario, the person will function for manipulation, emotional dependence, and a search for the approval of other people. He will do that to achieve the value that was not received and the level of self-esteem that is so needed. He will seek the love that is longed for, though the person does not know how to achieve it.

When a person is based on insecure attachment, he/she feels empty or with his/her emotional needs unmet, he/she will try to fill that inner emptiness through a relationship with another person, and will not know how to be alone in his/her internal world.

That person will seek the interpersonal relationship he/she has established — with a friend, counselor, church pastor, family member, boyfriend (or girlfriend), or spouse — to feel the love and security that experiences have not provided.

The problem arises when the fear of rejection, of not acceptance by others, or of not being loved dominates the person’s behavior. It distorts the fundamental concepts of healthy human interactions.

How to make a self-analysis

It is not an easy task to analyze our interpersonal relationships from an “outside” perspective or to be objective. For this, we would need to visit internal spaces in our memory. Places that store painful memories about experiences that scarred us. These places determined our perception of friendship, love, attachment, and all the foundations of a healthy relationship.

But, to overcome the effects of insecure attachment, you must first understand what love is from God’s point of view. In 1 John 4:18, we read: “In love, there is no fear, but perfect love casts out the fear; because fear carries with its punishment. Whence, he who fears has not been perfected in love.”

In true love, there is no room for fear. You must accept and understand that you must love yourself as God loves you: with infinite, constant, unconditional love. Love yourself as you are. Love your essence so that you can fully see who you are and who others are.

Value yourself so that you do not seek your value in the other person. Work on the emotional deficiencies that you can identify. If you have resentment or hate towards someone from your past, ask God to help you forgive that person. To overcome what he/she made, you must not seek to solve the things of the past while seeking approval in the present.

How to deal with your insecurity in love

 If you feel abandoned, understand that God is with you and always will be. He accepts you as you are and will help you value yourself for who you are. Love without expecting to be loved the same way, not all of us love with the same love language. Do not seek other people for the qualities that you do not find in yourself. So, work to improve and give the best of you, without looking for them to approve of everything you do.

Get some alone time, do not become careless or lose yourself in trying to meet other people’s expectations. Do not disappear into who you are. You will do it by trying to please your friends, your partner, co-workers, church brothers or sisters, pastors … nobody. Have a sincere and true relationship with God. This way, you will be able to fill the emptiness you feel inside. Besides, you will be able to love and receive love as God loves you to be from the moment He created you.

Pray to God and ask him to transform your heart, to break your schemes and preconceptions based on fear. Love without expecting to receive anything in return. Strengthen your love and self-worth so that you can establish interpersonal relationships of full happiness and love.