Today, intimacy is not fully understood. There are misconceptions about intimacy, and that is why I want to write about this topic. For example, many say that: 1) Intimacy is sexual participation with another person. 2) Intimacy is always expressed physically. 3) Marriage will naturally produce intimacy. 4) Intimacy can only be found in relationships with people of the opposite sex. 5) Intimacy is a feeling of closeness. 6) Once you develop intimacy, you will always have it.
Studies of the intimacy
Having these misconceptions about intimacy has led us to experience serious relationship problems in all dimensions. A lack of intimate relationships is one of the factors that can wear down a marriage.
Studies on the Attachment Theory in children suggest that the quality of parental attachment can shape how children later develop romantic relationships (Bowlby, 1980; Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Other authors propose that early attachment experiences are linked to the neurobiological systems that regulate social and emotional behavior (Reite & Boccia, 1994).
What is intimacy?
What does the word intimacy mean? This word derives from the Latin intimus, which means “the deepest part of us.” It is a close relationship between two people who feel safe enough to share their deepest feelings.
An intimate relationship is a gift from God. We were created to be intimate with God. God lives in intimacy within the Godhead (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). Genesis 1:26-28 says that God created us in His image, His relational image. We were created to have an I-YOU relationship with God and our neighbor, in which intimacy is the key to the relationship, where there can be reciprocity, giving, and receiving love.
We were created so that we could live in an intimate relationship with our neighbors. Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (NIV). God knows everything. God wanted to highlight the importance of intimacy, and that is why He presents man in solitude, unable to fulfill the function for which he was created.
The man needed to have another being similar to him so that he could emulate the intimate relationship he would have with the Creator. Therefore, God brought Eve to him and Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23, NIV): someone with whom he could share life fully.
The Sabbath
Notice the following: the two institutions God established at the moment of the Creation were made to express the highest type of intimacy. God instituted the Sabbath so that human beings could express themselves in the highest form, the intimacy with God. God instituted marriage so that humankind could also express itself in the highest form, the intimacy with the neighbor (spouse) by becoming one flesh.
The Sabbath invites us to rest in God and to enjoy time with those we love. This reflects the essence of mankind: created to live in intimacy with God and the neighbor.
The marriage
In the marriage sermon, God gave to Adam and Eve, the order: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV).
God calls for leaving the intimate relationship that the couple had in their families. So that they could join their spouse and begin to experience intimacy in the new family unit. That is why, the level of intimacy you have with your spouse can be influenced by the level of intimacy you learned in your childhood home.
Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (NIV). What does God want to highlight through the biblical author in this chapter? This is the most graphic kind of marital intimacy: two different people, equal in value, with a deeply emotional, spiritual, and, physical relationship, in total transparency, without fear of being known. This is the kind of openness, acceptance, trust, and excitement I refer to when I use the word intimacy.
Types of intimacy
It is obvious that it is about physical nakedness, but he is implying spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and recreational nakedness that manifests itself in the domains of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy
You must feel free to express your feelings, without fear of being judged or rejected. A very important part of achieving this connection is self-knowledge, since the better we know how we feel and why. The easier it will be for us to explain it to our spouses and to understand situations that disturb our peace.
Intellectual intimacy
Your partner hears all your ideas (even the craziest ones). Is it easy for the two of you to stay up all night talking about several topics? That is: what we share and listen to enriches each other. This concept is super important. It has a lot to do with the admiration we feel towards the other person.
Recreational intimacy
It involves everything from going to the park to reading a book together, or sharing any activity that you enjoy doing together and are passionate about. So, some couples have hobbies in common, which is very beneficial to counteract the routine that may lead some relationships to fail.
Sexual intimacy
Kisses, caresses, massages… dare to experiment in your sexual intimacy, to get to know each other and share your likes. A passionate weekend getaway. Go at a pace that is comfortable for both of you: consent and mutual respect come first, and either spouse can say no or ask to stop. If sex is painful or desire has been low for a long time, talk with your doctor or a counselor.
Now we know the different types of intimacy that exist. We also know how important they are to a close and deep relationship with our spouse. By overcoming shame and becoming vulnerable to the other, intimacy can grow. It applies both in our relationship with God and in our relationship with others.
Do you want to know how we can deal with shame? How can we repair that intimate relationship that has been broken or that we have not built yet? Do you want to feel the joy of being able to establish an intimate relationship with God and with your neighbor? If your answer is yes, then, I invite you to read our next post. So you can see that there is hope amidst the shame. God bless you.
Which kind of intimacy would you like to nurture most in your marriage this month?
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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