How to break the dysfunctional cycle

by with No Comment Mental health

Many of Jesus’ dysfunctional family members received restoration and were released from the chains that bound them to their past. What was the secret of men like Abraham, Jacob, and David?

The secret was the following:

  1. To recognize the dysfunctional traits, the family carries

It is good to look at our families with objective eyes, acknowledging the positive and negative aspects. We will probably find that our family has traits of dysfunction in some aspects. By recognizing those traits, we can focus on working to improve them, and eventually overcome them to be happy individuals in functional families.

  1. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you

Paul says that we often do not know how to pray the way we should (Rom. 8:26). But, the Holy Spirit prays in us and through us, and intercedes for us. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit uses temporary help in the form of a human counselor, who can help us see what the real problem is.

Other times, the Spirit can do it through the Word of God or through an incident that makes us realize what our real difficulty is. James reminds us that sometimes we do not receive what we ask for because we pray to get what we should not get (James 4:3). You may need to seek a counselor, a pastor, or a friend’s help. Then, together, you can ask the Holy Spirit to show you what your real need is.

Henry Ford and Charlie Steinmetz’s story

Do you remember Henry Ford and Charlie Steinmetz’s story? Steinmetz was a very short man. He was also ugly and deformed, but he had privileged knowledge in the field of electricity, knowledge very few had. He built big generators for Henry Ford at his first factory in Dearborn, Michigan. One day, the generators malfunctioned, and the factory had to stop.

They brought other mechanics, but there was no way to start the generators. They were losing a lot of money. Then, Ford called Steinmetz. This genius arrived and spend hours fixing the generators. He then flipped the switch and got the great Ford factory up and running again.

A few days later, Henry Ford received a bill Steinmetz sent him for a total amount of $10,000. Although Ford was a wealthy man, he sent the bill back to Steinmetz with a note: “Charlie, isn’t that a little too big for having manipulated the engines for a couple of hours?” Steinmetz sent the bill back to Ford, but this time it said: “For handling things in the engines: $100, for knowing what to touch: $9,900, Total: $10,000”. Henry Ford paid the bill.

The Holy Spirit knows what needs to be manipulated. We do not know what to ask the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we do not receive because we do not know what to ask.

  1. Tell your story

Telling our stories is a powerful act if we want to heal our emotional traumas. This act is the basis of recovery in therapeutic groups, individual therapy, and counseling. When we tell our story, we talk about what is important, significant, confusing, conflicting, and painful in our lives.

We take risks, we interact, and we discover, but mainly, we listen to other people’s stories, and we realize we are not the only ones. But, the most powerful thing about sharing ours is that we hear our own story, and it turns out differently than what we had imagined.

When you tell your story, you are rewriting the family script your parents implanted in you. But, this time, those dysfunctional behaviors are replaced by functional ones. Those emotions that you did not express before because you were afraid of being mistreated or misunderstood are now expressed freely to resolve emotional traumas.

Not everyone deserves to hear your story. It is best to sit and talk with a Christian professional counselor. If you do not know any counselors, then talk to someone you trust, to whom you can tell your problem, and who will empathize with you. And, even if it is not easy for you, you can write your story and read it to yourself.

A woman came to me at the end of a sermon to tell me her story. I was happy to listen to her intently. In the end, she told me, “After telling my story, I feel that Jesus is carrying the burden that I have carried for over 60 years.”

  1. Forgive

Forgiveness is a determining factor for happiness and emotional stability. When we do not forgive others, we carry resentment, hate, and wounds that will last a lifetime, even if we decide to ignore them. The Bible teaches us that we must forgive in the same way that God forgives us.

In dysfunctional families, the lack of forgiveness often gives room for wounds that undermine interpersonal relationships and destroy the family structure.

5. Surrender to God’s grace

If we read Mephibosheth’s story in 2 Samuel 4, we can see that he was King Saul’s grandson and Jonathan’s son. His life was marked by his grandfather’s mistakes, misfortune, and, events that inflicted physical and emotional wounds on him.

But, despite these adversities, Mephibosheth managed to obtain the mercy he needed to move forward in the eyes of God and David. And he was able to leave the traumas of his past behind for a new life, a new future.

There are many stories in the Bible, like Mephibosheth’s, which were part of Jesus’ genealogy. Dysfunctional homes and families, from which, in the future, the Savior of the world would emerge. And, today, I understand why Luke and Matthew presented Jesus’ genealogy and mentioned the dysfunctional families he had in his family tree.

They say: that God’s love for His creatures is so great that He sent His son so that he could be born in the middle of dysfunctional families. With the mission of carrying the traumas, pain, insomnia, wounds and, dysfunctional behaviors of the human family on his own body and nail them to the cross.

A dear friend who is reading these lines today,

I invite you to follow these steps that will help you break the family patterns that have marked your life and undermined your own family and interpersonal relationships.

God can transform your story into a blessing and well-being. Seek Him first and decide to transform your life, your home, and your dysfunctional family into functionality and happiness.

Characteristics of dysfunctional families

by with One Comment Family

 

Let’s continue on the dysfunctional families topic. It is a broad issue that affects numerous homes today, and to which we must pay attention, as the family is the foundation from which human beings perceive reality and the world around us.

Let’s also analyze the following story: a boy was the son of a middle-class man who worked for the government. His father demanded absolute obedience from his children, and the family suffered due to his uncontrollable anger. When this boy was three years old, he witnessed how his father brutally beat his mother because she replied to him.

A story of dysfunctional families

When the boy was 4 years old, his father began to abuse him physically, practically daily. He remembers getting 30 lashes on his back when he was 6 years old. When his father needed him, he would whistle for him to come, just as people do when they call a dog. When he was 11 years old, his father almost beat him to death when he tried to run away from home.

Before this child was born, three of his siblings had died of diphtheria, all before the age of three and all with a difference of a month. His mother, fearing she’d lose another son, kept her distance from this son and did not develop an attachment with him. His father, always drunk, complained a lot about how Jews and minorities were causing all the problems in the world. The boy grew up hating his father, but could not find a safe way to vent his emotions.

The beginning of the problem

He began to mistreat other children, play violent war games, and give hate speeches focused on Jews and other minorities. This boy grew up and became a hateful man, who never got married or had a family of his own with whom he could share his emotions. Instead, he found a large audience to whom he was able to express his feelings of hate. He got to subdue an entire race with his hate and anger. That little boy grew up to be Adolf Hitler (Miller, 1983).

As parents, we often ignore the influence our dysfunctional patterns have on future generations. If you are honest, you will remember that when some of these things happened to you when you were a child, you made a vow never to treat your children that same way. And now, sadly, you find yourself in stressful situations, repeating the same words and behaviors of your parents towards your children.

Characteristics of a dysfunctional family

There is no such thing as a dysfunctional family. However, if you see that your family has some characteristics and traits listed below, your family is likely dysfunctional in some areas.

 Disappointment and denial

They deny their problems, thus problems are never solved. They also deny freedom to their members.

Forming rigid and static roles

Roles are created due to the need for the family system. Children give up their own needs to meet the needs of others.

Breaking boundaries

The members of a dysfunctional family have permeable boundaries. The boundaries are not respected and are mutually invaded.

Needs sacrificed

Members of a dysfunctional family cannot meet their needs. Individual needs are set aside to meet the needs of the family. There is almost always a certain amount of anger and depression in the members of a dysfunctional family. Individual needs are sacrificed to satisfy the requirements of the family.

Conflicting and Confluent Communication

They use open conflict or confluence (they agree not to disagree) as a communication style. Very rarely do they manage to make real contact.

 Irrevocability of the rules and control

in dysfunctional families, rules are set, and they do not change.

We must control our feelings and behaviors at all times. This is the most important defense mechanism.

Perfectionism

We have to do everything right. The fear of not fulfilling what others expect of us is the main motivation. Family members spend their lives focused on their image.

Blaming

When things do not go as planned, we blame ourselves or others. This keeps the balance in the dysfunctional family when controlling does not work.

Family members cannot speak

This rule forbids the free expression of any feeling, need, or desire. No one talks about loneliness or problems.

There cannot be any mistakes

Making mistakes implies vulnerability. This is not allowed. Family members have to cover up any error at all costs to avoid criticism.

There are other deeper characteristics, but the ones mentioned in the previous paragraphs we can observe easily in the daily life of many families, even those with Christian beliefs. The way parents raise their children will determine what kind of family future generations will have since they will repeat the learned patterns and will apply them to their family relationships.

The challenges of a dysfunctional family

It is not easy to be part of a dysfunctional family. The communication and interaction channels affect by the disrupted dynamics that take place. It does not matter what religion, culture, ethnicity, or social status family members comes from, dysfunction can be the foundation of any family.

  • Do these characteristics and rules of dysfunctional families seem familiar to you?
  • Do you think your family could be going through this?
  • Is it difficult to talk about important and deep issues in your family?
  • Do you feel that you cannot express yourself or be who you are?

If so, let me tell you that you are not alone in this. In our society, it is more and more common to see these family traits. But, remember, it is possible to transform family dysfunction into functionality.

I invite you to read our next post, in which we will continue talking about dysfunctional families. So, you can learn what can do to overcome this “family script.”

God bless you.