Everything has a beginning, so it is no surprise that children’s misbehavior has one too. Often disguised as “mischief” or “tantrums,” the little ones begin to show poor behaviors or act in undesirable ways, upsetting and frustrating their parents and caregivers.
Parents continually tell me about their offspring’s aggressive behaviors when seeking professional help, desperately trying to find magic solutions or simple answers to stop the snowball that has been growing. But honestly, there is no single, easy answer.
So, if you find your two-year-old daughter sticking her fingers into the electrical outlets or your five-year-old son throws his toys when he does not want to go to kindergarten, or the school calls because your ten-year-old boy is bullying other students, this will not be the end of it.
Challenging behavior often appears early, and many children need consistent, warm guidance from the adults around them to learn better ways of getting their needs met. Some behaviors fade as children grow, while others continue or get worse without support, so it helps to pay attention early.
It is time to take action as parents. However, to act, it is essential to know the root of the problem. So, I hope I can help you understand how you could be wasting valuable time that could be used to help your children become good men and women in the future.
Why is your child misbehaving?
Everything has a consequence in life, please keep this in mind. A toddler who puts her fingers in an electrical outlet is usually exploring, and she needs supervision and a safe environment rather than a label. A child who refuses to go to class or who causes problems at school may be struggling with something that deserves a closer look, such as anxiety, a learning difficulty or bullying.
You must understand that these are behaviors that must be stopped before they escalate in severity, but it takes us to the same dilemma — why do children behave like this? Are they unaware? Do they do it unintentionally? Perhaps my answer will surprise you, but, children are more intelligent than you think.
The root of the problem
To understand what I mean, we need to delve into the term purposive behavior, or intentional behavior. According to psychiatrist Alfred Adler, all social behavior will lead to a specific purpose. He believed that people do not act randomly, human behavior does not exist without a reason that explains it. It is a chain of actions that will work so that certain objectives can be achieved.
While individuals may not be aware of the link between goals and behaviors, the link is still there, it still exists, and it affects their behavior.
With all this in mind, the initial question remains: why do children behave this way? One common reason behind a child’s behavior is the wish to get our attention, although children may also be seeking a sense of control, reacting to hurt, or feeling discouraged, and behavior can also have medical, developmental or emotional causes. To see how the wish for attention works, consider the following approach: you perform an action and the action fulfills a purpose, would you not repeat the action? Of course, you would, over and over again until it stops generating results. This logical sequence is the same one child follows, even at a young age.
Why do our children seek our attention?
When a child comes out of his/her mother’s womb, he/she will do so yearning to feel loved and accepted. And for this, he/she will need attention. Attention from caregivers is a basic need of children: research on attachment shows that children grow best when they feel secure with a caring adult.
A child’s first bond with a caregiver is a source of love, security and learning, and infants depend on their caregivers to survive.
Children need attention
Every little piece of attention is absorbed by babies in those months, they practically become sponges. And, later, they will copy the behaviors that were demonstrated. At this stage, children are shapeable by:
- good examples,
- the love has given to them and,
- above all, the positive attention that is given to them,
- as well as the education.
Likewise, we must understand that we were created to experience social connections. So, when a mother or father does not pay attention to their children, they will need and seek it at all costs.
This is because they are experiencing a lack of acceptance, understanding, and love. Although at first sight, they act as though they are repelled by displays of affection. Or our presence, they will always be grateful for it within themselves.
Remember that everything created by God is interconnected. We were created in His image and likeness, and we are designed to live in a community. As it is in a community w can create transcendental bonds, allowing us to live a more stable and peaceful life.
The importance of the attention
It is extremely important to know the emotional and psychological basis that comprises the foundation of the individuals in our society. The experiences we live at an early age will determine our perception of reality as adults. And therefore our actions in each situation or challenge that we face throughout our lives. God wants us to be happy adults. It has always been His plan that we have interpersonal relationships that fill us with happiness. He wants us to have a full and happy relationship with Him.
If your child’s behavior includes hurting others or themselves, started suddenly, or is getting worse despite your efforts, talk with your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional. Yelling and physical punishment tend to make behavior worse and can harm a child; calm, consistent limits together with warmth work better. If you ever feel you might hurt your child, take a break and ask for help right away.
I ask you then, did you know these concepts? Do you consider that experiences you lived throughout your childhood have determined your actions in the present? God bless you.
Would you like to talk with a professional? Call (407) 559-7093 (Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern) or find professional help here. For general questions that are not an emergency, write to drduany@zodugroup.com. Please do not send health information by email.
If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, do not wait. Call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day, free and confidential). If there is immediate danger, call 911.
If you suspect child abuse
Florida Abuse Hotline (DCF): 1-800-962-2873, 24/7. You can also report online at reportabuse.myflfamilies.com/s/. It covers child abuse and abuse of vulnerable adults. If there is immediate danger, call 911.
This article is for education only. It does not offer diagnosis or personal advice, does not replace evaluation or treatment by a health professional, and reading it or writing to us through this site does not create a therapeutic or pastoral counseling relationship. This site is not an emergency service and is not monitored continuously: do not send health information through comments or public forms. The author is a licensed psychotherapist and pastor, and is part of ZODU.
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