Is it possible to overcome an infidelity? Know the phases to achieve it

by with No Comment Marriage

Proposing to overcome infidelity is a complex task; this process involves the willingness and commitment to restore and rebuild a very battered relationship. It is not limited to an “I forgive you”, this is only the beginning of a path that is only made between two and step by step.

I am not talking about a necessarily linear process; however, in this article, I will give you a brief list of its main stages and how much progress you will make in each one. Were you a victim of infidelity? Have you been unfaithful to your partner? If you want to rescue your marriage, you will have to follow this path.

Process for overcoming infidelity

If you have already decided to overcome infidelity and move forward with your marriage, you must be patient and very persevering. In this work of reconstruction, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:8). Therefore, I think you must know, you must know the process that awaits you:

Healing phase to overcome infidelity

It is a time of trauma. It is especially difficult and the struggle to rescue the marriage begins. Both parties are expected to compromise; but the unfaithful person must have the willingness to repair the damage, through behaviors aimed at creating a minimum basis of trust. To do this, your first actions would be:

  • Ending the extramarital relationship. This is considered a high-cost or high-effort action that will demonstrate to the couple the firm decision to rescue the marriage. If you are not willing to give up the third party, there will be no reconciliation process possible.
  • Take responsibility for the fact. The denial of a notorious fact leads to infidelity, transgression, to an absolute lack of respect towards the partner. Taking responsibility for the acts committed shows honesty and willingness to repair the damage.
  • Ask for forgiveness. Infidelity deeply hurts the other person. It is essential that the unfaithful person empathizes with the pain of their partner; that they feel what the partner feels and, consequently, regret having hurt them and tell them sincerely. Being able to put oneself in “the other person’s shoes” is a great step forward.
  • Validating the suffering of the deceived person. We are still talking about empathy as a fundamental mechanism; but, in this case, it is a matter of not undervaluing the other party’s reactions. For example, expressions such as “you are exaggerating” or “it’s no big deal” deepen the gap and reduce the possibility of reconciliation.

This is a delicate moment, due to the intensity of the emotions caused by the discovery. Hence, the process begins with an explicit agreement on the minimum conditions to start the healing process.

Comprehension phase

Once the initial trauma has been overcome, a certain level of trust is established, which is required to begin to understand the events that occurred. We work on the ability to approach the subject with a certain emotional distance, without generating new crises. What are we looking for at this point?

  • To be able to talk about infidelity without aggression and without deepening the trauma.
  • To remember life together before the infidelity: dreams, good times, reasons to be together.
  • Visualization of a future together, with new plans and hopes.

In this phase, trust is still not strong because infidelity is very present; some techniques such as Christian meditation and mindfulness can be very useful to rescue the lost serenity and tranquility. And, although crises may occur from time to time, the intensity is decreasing.

Forgiveness phase

The purpose of the first stages of therapy after infidelity is forgiveness. It takes time and comes with the restoration of trust and security in the couple. Forgiveness does not mean permitting these events to happen again. It represents the release of pain, resentment, negative feelings, and thoughts that harm us physically and emotionally.

But you must understand that there is no specific time frame for forgiveness. You cannot allow pressure. Only you can know when you are ready to take this decisive step that means the healing of wounds. The Bible tells us:

“If they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them” (Luke 17:4).

Forgiving an offense is a Christian virtue, but we must do it from our heart and not from our lips. If forgiveness is not real and full, the basis for recovering the relationship will be weak and will not resist the weight of resentment.

Renewal of commitment is key to overcome infidelity

At this stage, forgiveness has occurred, trust and communication have been re-established, and the couple is ready to move on. Some people ask me if this implies that it will be easy; in my experience, couples who make it to this point in the process are successful.

I’m not talking about a road without challenges, but a strong determination to save the marriage is an advantage that will help them rediscover the reason for their union. The focus is no longer on infidelity; it becomes an experience, a learning experience that generated changes for improvement, strengthening your vows and your commitment.

What does this renewal imply to overcome infidelity?

  • In the first instance, to rescue the love that united them in marriage.
  • Establish the pillars of the relationship: respect, solidarity, and fidelity.
  • Rescue the relationship with God and strengthen spiritual values.
  • Look to the future by designing together a life project.

“Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), the Bible tells us; but if you have already committed adultery or are suffering from it, it is time to stop and think about the value of your marriage.

It is possible to overcome infidelity

Getting out of the suffering that represents infidelity is possible. If you trust in God and his infinite mercy, you will feel that you can do anything; that pain, emptiness, and insecurity have no power in your life and do not guide your actions.

You are not willing to lose your marriage because of infidelity? Lean on God and seek professional guidance by calling 407 618 0212.

Main causes for Infidelity in Marriage

by with One Comment Marriage

Infidelity is one of the most difficult situations a couple can face. And, if not addressed in a healthy way, it can be an irreparable situation for the relationship. Now, what does infidelity imply? and why does it happen?

Everyone may have their own beliefs about this topic. However, I want to share with you the most common causes why infidelity takes place in relationships.

What does infidelity involve and why does it happen?

Generally, the affectionate and/or sentimental union of one of the spouses with a third party has been considered infidelity in marriage. And, in this experience there may or may not be sexual involvement.

For infidelity, there are many possible implications and causes. Well, each individual has his/her own concept of loyalty, fidelity and expectations of a relationship.

So, based on these beliefs, a person can normalize and justify certain actions because he does not consider them infidelity. Each relationship is unique and there are different “motivations” behind an infidelity.

Causes of infidelity

Below, I share the causes commonly expressed by couples and that I have addressed in therapy:

Dissatisfaction with yourself or your partner

Dissatisfaction directs people to want “more” and to look outside for what they don’t get within their relationship. What you are looking for outside can be physical or emotional pleasure motivated by a need for attention, recognition, companionship, different experiences, among others.

Social pressure

Infidelity in marriage sometimes arises as a desire to be fashionable or to accept the incessant invitation of close people. Even when attracted to media advertising and social events that, currently, normalize deception and infidelity.

Desire for revenge

It occurs when the one who has been deceived or hurt in some way decides to take revenge or hurt the spouse by being unfaithful. This is one of the reasons very few mentioned, but it is practiced very often in both men and women.

Feeling of personal insecurity

It can occur if the person does not feel good about himself and is perceived as unattractive, less intelligent, among others. Infidelity serves as a form of personal reaffirmation and generates the satisfaction of being able to conquer someone else.

Pattern of emotional instability

This situation moves people who have experienced childhood traumas, abuse, suffer from a mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, addictions, among others. In these cases, infidelity is used as an escape route to their emotional situation.

Confusion

Many times, spouses often feel confused, especially after several years of relationship. They feel that “the flame went out” and the desire for their partner decreased. This is a natural process of relationships that is confused with the decay of love and can end in infidelity.

Conviction

Some people do not believe in monogamous relationships, so having a partner does not limit them to having encounters or relationships with third parties.

The root cause of infidelity

What’s behind personal dissatisfaction, a desire for reaffirmation, personal insecurity, confusion, and the other common causes of infidelity? These causes have a root or foundation.

Selfishness

Infidelity reveals the selfishness present in a person’s heart. Unfaithful partners often take into account only their pleasure or need ignoring the pleasure or well-being of their partner.

For example; “I feel dissatisfied, he/she doesn’t fulfill my needs, I need to feel safe, I want something new, I think it’s not so bad.” Each of these expressions satisfies the “I” and justifies infidelity.

The worst part is that, often society feeds these ideas and encourages this kind of “self-love”. In fact, it has been easier to promote “open relationships” than a commitment to address dissatisfaction by improving other aspects of the relationship. Instead, God tells us that “Love does not seek its own interests.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Ignorance

Ignorance of oneself and the other is a cause of infidelity and, I think, many times it is the root. For example; Do you know how to identify your concepts about loyalty and faithfulness? Do you know how your partner interprets them? What are your expectations in the relationship? What satisfies them?

When a couple has clear answers to questions like these they will know to what extent there will be a loyal commitment between them. For each one will know what he can receive and what he must give.

Many men and women do not know what they need or what they expect from the relationship, much less how to communicate it honestly. Hence the lack of strength to face temptation, the need to look for that “something more” that, it is believed, may be in another person.

Infidelity without personal filters

As I have said, talking about the implications and causes of infidelity in marriage is subject to personal interpretations. But, subjectivities aside, I invite you to understand the term considering what fidelity implies.

The word fidelity derives from the Latin fidelitas which refers to:

  • The quality of loyalty. That is, the firm and constant practice of respect for the commitment and delivery of well-being to the couple.
  • The practice of truth to sustain trust and security.

Does your concept of fidelity relate to this definition? The important thing is that you can channel your beliefs and decisions in a more comprehensive and healthy way.

Follow our guide on infidelity and hopefully find a better outlook at this painful reality. Also, if you want to delve into the subject do not hesitate to contact me by dialing 407 618 0212.